MSTed A Galaxy Far Away 2 1/2

[Amy Ashton]

> * * *
>"I understand your position Cmdr,
>but we may be dealing with more than
>we bargained for. These people are freedom fighters of some kind and
>from the sounds of it this Empire isn't very friendly, to anybody.

CROW: Uh-huh. And I suppose you believe everything you read, too,
don't you?

>The
>Prime Directive may not shield us from this,

TOM: [as Picard] ...mostly because we don't want it to.

>if they are able to track
>these rebels and follow them here. General Solo thinks that they were
>pushed a huge distance by a freak accident, but it is possible for the
>Imperials to show up."

MIKE: Thanks for the plot update, Captain.

>"I understand, Captain, but this is my station
>and my security regulations.

CROW: [as Sisco] And if you don't give them back, I'm taking
my toys and going home.

>I must ask that they be obeyed, it is for
>everyone's safety." "Agreed." "Sisco out." Picard's image
>disappeared from the view screen. "Major, Chief,

TOM: McCloud!

>I want you to go
>down to security bay six and aid their repairs and keep an eye on them."

CROW: And now it's "Blade Runner."
MIKE & TOM: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeewwww!
CROW: Heh.

>Major Kira and Chief O'Brien left Ops on the lift and Sisco went to
>his office.

TOM: Meanwhile, Karen and David were smooching in engineering, while
on the Promenade, the doctor was talking to Garak while eating
crullers imported from a little shop in Chicago, while Keiko --
CROW: Okay, stop!
TOM: -- suspecting her husband to be a government agent, was
making a secret call to her contact in the CIA. But what of Marcia?
And is Bruce really gay? Will Peter's cancer spontaneously heal
itself? Will Melissa's love for Marlon ever be returned? Can --
CROW: AAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH!

> * * *
>Geordie let a long sliding whistle despite himself when he saw the
>three battle scarred ships, and set his tool case down.

MIKE: [as Geordi] Oh man, you're screwed. These are 220 ships,
and we only have a 110 outlet.

>Han glared
>back at him for a second, but didn't say anything. He opened the main
>hatchway to the _Falcon_ and went in toward the cockpit. Threepio met
>him already complaining. "Quit your bellyaching," Han spat.

CROW: Eew. I hope he cleans that up.

>Do you
>know what's wrong with the _Falcon_?" "No sir, I..." "What the hell
>have you been doing all of this time?"

TOM: [as Threepio] Playing Doom, sir.

>"Sir, The computer is damaged,
>the power reserves are drained and..." "Shut up! I don't want any
>excuses. Go outside and coordinate with the guy with the glasses

CROW: Glasses? More like a banana comb painted gold.
TOM: '80s fashion strikes again.

>and
>the android."
>Threepio's eyes lit up at the mention of android.

MIKE: [as Threepio] That Data is just *dreamy*!

>He
>turned around and went down the ramp. Han sat in the pilot's seat and
>flipped the power selector. Nothing. He punched it.

MIKE: It's a wonder anyone hangs out with this guy. He's always
punching something.

>Power came on for
>a moment, but quickly drained. Han shook his head and left the
>cockpit. He took off a wall panel and ducked into the compartment.
>There was a loud crash and a scream and

CROW: ... blood sprayed the walls of the docking bay as carnage
ensued!
MIKE: Crow, I think that's the last time I let you watch "Pulp
Fiction" before bedtime.
CROW: But Miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiike!

>the power flicked back on.
>"CHEWIE! Get in here!" Outside, Luke and Geordie were trying to
>extract the scorched lump of metal that was Artoo-Detoo. Threepio
>would have been fretting, but he was too busy bragging to Cmdr Data
>about his six million forms of communication. Wedge was pulling Luke's

ALL: Wha -- ?!

>hyperdrive apart

ALL: Oh.

>and trying to separate the hyperdirve motivator from
>the power converters and the alluvial dampers.

CROW: [as mechanic] Well, ma'am, whatchu got here is a bad hyperdrive
motivator. See, it's fused to these here power converters and alluvial
dampers. That'll be $4,000, I'll have to order the parts, I can't take
it before next Friday, and you won't get it back for three months. Have
a nice day.
TOM: I think that was dark, but I'm not sure.

>Chewbacca came out and
>handed a data card to Data.

MIKE: [as Data] It says "Death." What the -- ?

>"Chewbacca says those are the _Millenium
>Falcon_'s star charts," Threepio translated the Wookie's growls.

TOM: [as Threepio] And he wants a doggie biscuit.

>"Good I shall get started assimilating the information

CROW: Resistance is futile. Your star charts will be assimilated.

>immediately,"
>Data said and turned to Threepio. "I may need some assistance."

TOM: [as Data] Seeing as how you're from another galaxy and
all, so I probably won't be able to read your writing or use
this data card.

>"I
>would be glad to assist you Lt. Cmdr Data," Threepio volunteered. As
>the two were leaving the security bay, two maintenance men came in
>with an anti-grav cart. "Take that unit over there to main
>engineering aboard the _Enterprise_."

MIKE: Magic Voice?

>"Yes sir," the men
>acknowledged. Data and Threepio left for the _Enterprise_, and passed
>O'Brien and Kira on their way into the bay. "Chief! Good to see you,"
>Geordie welcomed his old friend. "I understand you could use some
>help here," Miles

MIKE: How much Brien does this fanfic have?
ALL: Miles O'Brien!

>asked looking around at the piles of debris that
>were accumulating as the rebels tore their ships apart.

TOM: Commander, tear this ship apart until you've found those plans!
CROW: Whoa.
MIKE: Yeah, total deja vu.

>"Could we
>ever! Some of these systems are as foreign as anything in the
>universe.

CROW: Gee, I wonder why, seeing as how they're from another
*galaxy* and all.

>I could use some help figuring out how to fix them without
>the proper parts." "Let's get cracking then shall we?" O'Brien and
>LaForge began helping Luke and Wedge piece Luke's hyperdrive back
>together. Major Kira was lurking

MIKE: ... on alt.startrek.creative, getting a real kick out of the
things people were making her do.

>around taking mental notes of things
>that were being said.

CROW: [as Kira] Hmmm... well, *that* will come in handly during
his court-martial.

>Hoping to gain some information about what these
>newcomers might be up to.

TOM: Speaking in incomplete sentences.

>She looked around, wondering where Odo
>was. Han came out of the _Falcon_ and saw Major Kira from the rear.
>"Hey!

CROW: [as Han] Nice hinder!
MIKE: [smacks Crow upside the head]
CROW: Ow!
MIKE: Well, you asked for it.

>Could you give me a hand with this power cable?" She turned
>around and Han's eyes lit up.

TOM: [as Han] Erp... never mind. I seem to have connected...
the power... cable... Could you pull me away from the socket
with that board over there?

>"Excuse me?" "Uh, I need to pull this
>power cable into the main energizer." "Oh," she said and picked up the
>black tube. They carried it through the main corridor past the
>gunwell. It was full of debris and scorched. The upper gunwell had
>taken a direct hit, or several.

CROW: One or the other. Whichever. It's not that important.

>Han cringed as he passed by it. "What
>happened here?" Kira asked.

MIKE: [as Han] An accident with a time machine and a contraceptive.
Don't ask.

>"We were in a fire fight with a star
>destroyer and it took a direct hit from a turbolaser battery. My
>friend was nearly killed," Han explained.

TOM: [as Han] It's sad, really. He was the only who would hang
out with me.

>He continued on and stopped
>to plug the power cable into the main energizer. "General Solo!"
>Geordie's voice echoed through the corridor. "Yeah?" Han yelled back.
>"Permission to come aboard?" "Yeah," Han thought for a second, "Come
>on up here, I might need a hand."

TOM: I hear Luke has one you can borrow.
CROW: D'oh!

>Geordie found Han and Kira in the
>cargo bay at the engineering station. Han was looking frustrated

CROW: [as Han, grumbling] With Riker around, how's a man supposed
to attract any female attention in this place?

>as
>the amount of work the ship needed was becoming more and more clear.
>"Is there any way to get some materials to seal up some of this
>damage?" "What kind of materials?

TOM: [as Han] Duct tape'll do.

>What needs sealed up?" "Over
>here," Han led him to the gun well. Geordie hissed at the sight of
>the wreckage.

MIKE: Unbeknowst to his friends, Geordi was a snake-man.

>"What was here?" "A gun, just like that one," Han
>indicated the almost spotless lower quad.

CROW: [as Geordi] A gun? How... quaint.

>"How would you like a new
>gun?" "Really?" Han's face lit up for a second, then he frowned.
>"What'll it cost?"

MIKE: [as Geordi] $29.95, plus shipping and handling. No CODs.

>"Just a good look at your drive system. I've never
>seen anything like it." "Few people have kid," Han said looking
>around.

CROW: It's an Infinite Improbability Drive, protected by
a Somebody Else's Problem field.

>"How are you going to do it?" "I'll have to get the specs and
>we can replicate the parts and put it together. In fact any parts that
>you need we can replicate." "Are you any good with computers?" Han
>was beginning to like this blind kid. "Depends," Geordie shrugged.

TOM: [as Geordi] Mac or DOS?
MIKE: Don't even start.

>"Hold on, let me get a crew started on this gun." He tapped his
>communicator, "LaForge to _Enterprise_. Send a replicating crew to DS9
>security bay six." Han shook his head at the unusual level of
>efficiency

CROW: Unusual for what? The U.S. government?

>and led Geordie to the nav computer in the cockpit. *
>The following morning, after all of the repairs had been made to the
>_Falcon_ and the X-wings, the rebels woke up in their luxurious cabins
>on the _Enterprise_.

CROW: [hums the "Love Boat" theme]
TOM: [narrator voice] They found themselves in sunny St. Kitts, where
a day of frolicing in the surf and an evening of dancing to the sounds
of Menudo awaited them.
MIKE: Oh, so it *is* a prison ship.

>Each was well rested and feeling much better.
>Han took a sonic shower and shaved his now well-grown beard. He
>pulled out clean clothes and put the old ones in the duffle that he'd pulled
>off the _Falcon_ last night.

TOM: You know, the word concerning this level of detail... the word
that comes to mind is...
CROW: Boring?
TOM: No...
MIKE: Mind-numbing.
TOM: Yep. There it is.

>Chewbacca was milling aroud the cabin,

CROW: And when Chewie mills around the cabin, he really mills
*around* the cabin, ifyaknowhatImean.

>having found that the sonic shower was not nearly as satisfying as Han
>had found it.

MIKE: Han used up all the hot sonic waves before it was Chewie's turn.

>He had slept on the floor, not wanting to be away from
>his friend. The doorbell bleeped, "Yeah?"

CROW: So now the door talks?
TOM: It's better than that annoying chime on the show.

>Han said looking for his
>other sock. Wedge came in the door. "Hey Wedge. How ya feelin'?"
>"Good, This is a great ship isn't it?"

TOM: It's a ship! It's a red ship! It's a red ship with a radio!
It's --
MIKE: Okay, stop.
TOM: Sorry.

>"Yeah. Pretty cushy," Han
>agreed finding his sock and pulling on his boots. "I was talking to
>the android, Data,

CROW: As opposed to all the other androids on board?

>and he was explaining some of the technology to me.
>Not only is it powerful, it's fast!" Han stopped and looked up. "How
>fast?" He asked defensively. "They use a totally different drive
>system, technically the can't even break lightspeed, they use a warp
>field, it kind of bends space as near as I can tell."

MIKE: [as Han] You've been getting into Chewie's catnip again,
haven't you?

>"I wouldn't
>mind having a few ships like this in the fleet." "I know what you
>mean."

TOM: [as Han] Let's steal it!

>The door bleeped again, this time it was Leia. "They're ready
>for us in the conference room. Let's see if we can find a way home,
>shall we?" The four of them left the room.

ALL: [singing] Weeeeeee're of to see the wizard...

>"Where's Luke?" Asked
>Wedge." "Probably lost," quipped Han, Chewie growled at him.

ALL: [muted trumpet] Mwah mwah mwah mwaaaaaaaaaah!
TOM: Oh, that wacky Han! He's a laugh riot in *two* galaxies!

>* They
>walked into the conference room. Luke and Lando were there in uniform.
>Picard and Riker stood as the four rebels entered. Luke and Lando were
>in a discussion

TOM: [as Lando] Seriously, I think "Corvette Summer" is a really
bad idea.
CROW: [as Luke] Oh, like "Deadly Illusion" is a smart move.

>as were Beverly and Deanna. "Welcome," Picard
>indicated some seats. "We can begin as soon as the station liaison and
>Cmdrs Data and LaForge arrive." Han sat nearest Picard and Leia took
>a seat offered by the grinning Cmdr Riker.

MIKE: It's a Cheshire Commander Riker.

>"Captain," Han asked. "Has
>there been any progress finding out where we are and if it is possible
>to get back?" "I believe so General. Cmdr Data has the details and he
>will brief us in a moment.

CROW: [as Han] As long as he doesn't debrief us, I'm all for it.

>You all seem very anxious to get back to
>what seems like a rather tense situation." "We're at war," Han
>stated. "We're fighting for the freedom of the Galaxy..." he said a
>little louder than he wanted to. Leia looked at him and a smile
>crossed her lips.

MIKE: Ow.

>"There is a rumor that the Empire is building a
>super weapon.

TOM: It'll be really keen!

>Powerful enough to destroy an entire planet."
>Picard's
>face went blank. The thought crossed his mind that

MIKE: ... he'd left the cap off his toothpaste that morning.

>these people may be
>battling the Borg, but he dismissed it. "We're expected at Sullust in
>a week..." The door opened and Artoo-Detoo rolled in looking as good
>as new. See-Threepio followed him in. Data, Geordie and Sisco were
>right behind. "Let's begin shall we?" Picard sat down. "Mr. Data..."
>"Aye, sir," Data walked to the holoscreen and turned it on.

CROW: Unfortunately, no one had taken the A/V class at Starfleet
Academy, so they spent the rest of the meeting watching "Love
Connection" reruns.

>"After
>studying the star charts provided by General Solo, I have found

TOM: ... that I can't understand them at all, so I guess you're
stuck here, too bad, the end.
MIKE: No such luck, my bubble-headed friend.

>what I
>think to be your probable point of origin." The animation on the
>screen was of federation space, but expanded out to show the whole
>galaxy and zoomed out faster until the screen was filled with what
>looked like stars, but were actually galaxies. One galaxy illuminated.
>"This, I believe is your galaxy some 300 trillion light years away."
>The room was filled with gasps and exchanged glances.

TOM: [as Picard] So many gasps and exchanged glances... there's
hardly room for us anymore!
CROW: [weenie voice] Does that mean we can leave, sir?
TOM: [Picard] Sit down and shut up, lieutenant.
CROW: [weenie] Sitting and shutting, sir.

>"It appears
>that an anomaly caused by an exploding star caused a rift in the
>hyperspace, in which your ships travel.

MIKE: [as Data] This may be unusual in your part of the universe,
but it happens all the time around here.

>You arrived in the Gamma
>quadrant and basically fell into the wormhole.

TOM: [as Threepio] But the chances of this actually happening
are nine gazillion to one!

>The anomaly, if it is
>as I theorize it to be, should remain stable for several days and
>should work in reverse. It essentially acts as a "hyperwormhole."

CROW: Wow, this guy is nearly as good at technobabble as a
Star Trek writer!

>However, it can also be used by others, if the Imperial ship were to
>track you, it would end up at the other end of the wormhole, and may
>be able to track you through it to this system." Again, faces were
>shocked

MIKE: Ow! Quit it.

>and glances were shot across the table. Geordie stood up and
>Data sat down,

TOM: [as Geordi] But you didn't say, "Simon says"!

>"We think that we can create an opening at this end
>using a hyperdrive on a photon torpedo modified with an experimental
>Carbon-60 zero-point detonator.

CROW: Oh, sure, I... huh?

>We think we can create an explosion
>large enough to create an opening, luckily, it doesn't have to be as
>strong as a supernova. Unfortunately, It must be fired from the other
>side of the wormhole,

TOM: [as Geordi] Again, I'm not sure why. Just trust me here.

>so if the Star Destroyer shows show up, we may
>be in for a bit of a situation." Geordie sat down again. All eyes
>were on Captain Picard. "Mr. LaForge and Mr. Data, you are to work on
>that torpedo.

MIKE: [as Picard] See if you can get it to talk.

>Cmdr Sisco, I think you will agree that we are in a very
>real danger of attack by these Imperials."

TOM: [as Picard] And we know they're bad because our new
friends here told us so.

>"Yes sir," Sisco agreed.
>"It is my belief that these Imperials are not going to take well to
>negotiation.

MIKE: [as Sisco] I just know this somehow. Trust me on this one.

>We should still try, but I think we would be best to plan
>for the worst."

TOM: [as Sisco] While we're at it, sir, have you considered
buying a cemetery plot?

>"Agreed. I'll send a Runabout to the far side of the
>wormhole as a lookout." "The _Enterprise_ will undock so we can
>maneuver. I suggest that the Alliance ships be brought aboard the
>_Enterprise_ in the main shuttle bay."

MIKE: I wonder if these guys have ever heard the story
of the Trojan horse.
CROW: Nah. The author knows they're good guys, so the
characters know they're good guys.
MIKE: Oh, sure, that makes perfect -- huh?!

>"Agreed," Sisco nodded. He
>turned to Han, "General, we will make the arrangements within the
>hour." He tapped his communicator, "Sisco to DS9 Ops." "O'Brien here
>sir." "O'Brien, you and Kira take the _Nile_ to the other side of the
>wormhole and stand lookout for unfriendly visitors."

CROW: [as Sisco] Jehovah's Witnesses, encyclopedia salesmen, the
fuzz... you know, unfriendly visitors.

>"Aye, sir,
>O'Brien out." Picard stood "Dismissed."

TOM: Okay!

[Exeunt]
--
I always suspect an artist who is successful before he is dead.
--Edgar Degas
http://members.aol.com/rfothree/