REPOST: MiSTing "The Odyssey" (pt.4)
Tjats
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Mike and Crow come back into the theater, bur Mike's hair is messed up and
Crow's left arm and his lacrose net are gone.
Mike: Sorry about that.
Crow: It's okay, Mike.
>'Strangers,' he said, 'who are you? And where from?
>What brings you here by seaways-a fair traffic?
Servo, Crow, and Cambot make honking noises.
>Or are you wandering rouges,
Mike hums the X-Men theme.
Crow: Stop that, Mike.
Mike: Sorry.
>who cast your lives
>like dice, and ravage other folk by sea?'
Servo: If so, you win one million dollars!
>
>We felt a pressure on our hearts,
Gypsy: Because the Cyclops was sitting on them.
>in dread
>of that deep rumble and that mighty man.
>But all the same I spoke up in reply:
>
>'We are from Troy, Achaeans, blown off course
>by shifting gales on the Great South Sea;
Servo: What an origonal name.
>homeward bound,
Crow: First Out to Sea, now Homeward Bound? What is this?
>but taking routes and ways
>uncommon;
Mike: Oh. He refuses to ask for directions.
>so the will of Zeus would have it.
>We served under Agamemnon,
All: Gesunthiet.
>son of Atreus-
>the whole world knows what city
>he laid waste, what armies he destroyed.
Mike[announcer]: If you didn't read "The Illiad", then you are totaly
clueless.
>It was our luck to come here; here we stand,
>beholden for your help, or any gifts
>you give-as custom is to honor strangers.
>We would entreat you, great Sir, have a care
>for the gods' courtesy; Zeus will avenge
>the unoffending guest."
Crow[as Odysseus]: In other words; be nice to us, or Zeus will poke your eye
out!
>
>He answered this from his brute chest, unmoved:
>
>'You are a ninny,
All snicker.
>or else you come from the other end of nowhere,
>telling me, mind the gods! We Cycolpes
>care not a whistle for your thundering Zeus
>or all the gods in bliss; we have more force by far.
>I would not you go for fear of Zeus-
>you or your friends-unless I had a whim to.
>Tell me, where was it, now, you left your ship-
>around the point, or down the shore, I wonder?'
Gypsy: Where else would you put a boat?
>
>He thought he'd find out, but I saw through this,
>and answered with a ready lie:
>
>'My ship? Poseidon Lord, who sets the earth a-tremble,
Servo: I thought Poseidon was god of the sea?
Mike: He's also god of earthquake.
Servo: Oh. Huh?
>broke it up on the rocks at your land's end.
Crow: Where Ator lives.
>A wind from seaward served him, drove us there.
>We are survivors, these good men and I.'
>
>Neither reply nor pity came from him,
>but in one stride he clutched at me companions
>and caught two in his hands like squirming puppies
Cambot does a dog whimpering sound, which is quite good because he has access
to all the satelite's SFX.
Mike[to Cambot]: That's cheating. You have to do it yourself.
Cambot: Sorry. I'm new here.
>to beat their brains out, splattering the floor.
Crow: The Cyclops moonlights as a schoolyard bully.
>Then he dismemberedthem and made his meal,
>gaping and crunching like a mountain lion-
>everything: innards, flesh, and marrow bones.
>We cried aloud, lifting our hands to Zeus,
>powerless, looking on at this, appalled;
Mike: What do you expect? He's a Cyclops!
>but Cyclops went on filling up his belly
>with manflesh and great gulps of whey,
>then lay down like a mast among his sheep.
>My heart beat high now at the chance of action,
>and drawing the sharp sword from my hip
Servo: where it was lodged, causing much pain.
>I went
>along his flank to stab him where the midriff
>holds the liver. I had touched the spot
>when sudden fear stayed me:
Gypsy: Sudden fear stayed him? What's that all about?
>if I killed him
Cambot: He would die.
>we perished there as well, for we could never
>move his ponderous doorway slab aside.
Servo[advertiser]: Ponderous doorway stones: They think a lot. From the same
company that brought you the eating floppy disk drive.
>So we were left to groan and wait for morning.
All groan and say things like: "I don't wanna go to shcool today, mommy." and
"This cheesburger is cold. Whaaaaaa!"
>
>When the young Dawn with fingertips of rose
All: Huh?
>lift up the world,
All[singing]: He's got the whole world in his hands..."
>the Cyclops built a fire and milked his sucklings to the mothers. Then,
>his chores being all dispatched,
Gypsy: He sent all his chores out to sea?
>he caught
>another brace of men to make his breakfast,
Mike: Unfourtunately, none of them knew how to cook.
>and whisked away his great door slab
>to let his sheep go through-but he, behind,
>reset the stone as one would
Cambot: push a reset button.
>cap a quiver.
>There was a din of whistling as the Cyclops
>rounded his flock to higher ground, then stillness.
>And now I pondered how to hurt him worst,
Mike: He's gonna make the doorway help him.
>if but Athens granted what I prayed for.
>Here are the means I thought would serve my turn:
>
>a club, or staff, lay there along the fold-
>an olive tree, felled green and left to season
>for Cyclops' hand. And it was like a mast
Crow: No, you used that simile already.
>a lugger of twenty oars, broad in the beam-
>a deep-sea-going craft--might carry:
>so long, so big around, it seemed. Now I
>chopped out a six foot section of this pole
Servo: No, it's a TREE, Odysseus, a TREE.
>and set it down before my men, who scraped it;
>and when they had it smooth, I hewed again
>to make a stake with pointed end.
Gypsy: Oh, how nice. They're making a toothpick for the Cyclops.
>I held this
>in the fire's heart
Mike: Where it quickly burned to ashes.
>and turned it, toughening it,
>then hid it, well back in the cavern, under
>one of the dung piles in profusion there.
All: Eeeeeeeewwwwwww!
>Now came the time to toss for it: who ventured
>along with me?
Crow: To where?
>whose hand could bear to thrust
>and grind that spike in Cyclops' eye, when mild
>sleep had mastered him?
Cambot: Fitzgerald goofed again! There should be a capital W in front of that
question.
>As luck would have it,
>the men I would have chosen won the toss-
Servo: Then why didn't you just choose them instead of tossing a coin?!?
>four strong men, and I made five as captain.
Mike: So, one of his crewmembers is named Five?
Crow: No, the fifth guy.
Mike: Oh.
>
>At evening came the shepherd with his flock,
Gypsy: What about the Cyclops?
>his wolly flock. The rams as well this time,
>entered the cave:
Mike: So, he left the rams out there all day yesterday?
>by some sheepherding whim-
>or a god's bidding-none were left outside.
>He hefted
All: Eeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwww!
Mike plugs his nose.
>his great boulder into place
>and sat him down
Crow: sat him*self* down.
Servo: This translation is so clumsy.
Mike: That's Robert Fitzgerald for ya.
>to milk the bleating ewes
>in proper order,
Gypsy: This guy just loves to milk his animals!
>put the lambs to suck,
Crow: Why are you dissin' the lambs? They're the best things in this epic!
>and swiftly ran through all his evening chores.
>Then he caught two more men and feasted on them.
Mike: So, he but tablecloths on them and laid all his food on them and ate off
them?
>My moment was at hand, and I went forward
>holding an ivy bown of my dark drink,
>looking up, saying:
Crow: Bite me.
>'Cyclops, try some wine.
Servo[as Hugo]: I want some wine.
Mike[as The Great Verelli]: No, Hugo, you ugly little cocroach infested dummy.
>Here's the liquor to wash down your scraps of men.
>Taste it, and see the kind of drink we carried
>under our planks.
Mike[as the Cyclops]: Okay, your ship was sunk, but you had enough time to get
that huge barrel of wine? Okay, I'll buy that.
>I meant it for an offering
>if you would help us home. But you are mad,
>unbearable, a bloody monster! After this,
>will any other traveler come to see you?'
Crow: After I said this, he promptly ate me.
Mike and the 'Bots leave the theater.
(commercial)
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Questions? Concerns? Comments? Complaints?
e-mail Tj...@aol.com
Jim, the Mistie, Trekker, X-Phile, comic freak(take your pick)
"Watch out for snakes!"
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