[MISTING] Shadow Stepping (2/2)
Melvin Harry Pollack
are standing behind the desk in the foreground.]
Tom: [Still rambling] ....And I really hate those guys who tell you to
respond if you want to be but in a "no-spam" file, because naturally
they're against spam....
Mike: Well, I'm going to recalibrate Tom.
Crow: All right, Mike. We'll hold up the fort here.
MAFP: Clara, have you figured out how to get us back yet?
[Castle Forrester. Only Pearl, Bobo, Observer and Clara are present.
Clara is fiddling around with the "Destructo Ray Thingy" from "Phantom
Planet." Bobo and Observer are watching her.]
Pearl: She claims she figured out what happened. Something about
overlapping parallel universes, ion storms, tachyon beams, blah, blah,
blah. And of course, she just has to ruin my Destructo Ray
Thingy. I just know it won't work after this.
[SOL.]
Crow: Uh, Pearl. It never worked before this.
[Castle Forrester.]
Pearl: Thanks a lot. Why don't you rub it in?
Clara: All right. That should do it. The only problem now is to
calibrate it. Unfortunately, I'm not sure how I can do that without
upsetting the Tachyon Space Field.
Observer: The Tachyon What?
Clara: The Tachyon Space Field. Surely you know about that. I did a
white paper on that in "Starfleet Technical Monthly."
Observer: Uh, no. I must confess that my reading is a little behind.
[Clara looks at Pearl.]
Pearl: Uh, I've been reading the more intellectual "Cosmopolitan."
Bobo: Hey, wait a second. Was that the article about how the various
particle beams could become parallel universes?
Clara: You read it?
Bobo: Yeah. I was the one who sent in the corrected formula.
Clara: You mean the one that proved Tachyon Space was curved. That
helped simplify 12 theoretical models. It was brilliant.
Bobo: So, why would you have any trouble using a modified scatter pulse
to trigger the multiple effect?
Clara: Well, the problem is that it would produce an interference pattern
with the normal tachyon beam wave. I should try narrowing the
beam, but that would increase the energy inputs exponentially.
Bobo: Well, we wouldn't want that. Hey, what if we bounced the beams off
of a reflective surface and let them interfere with each other.
Clara: Maybe.... If we used the focusing crystals as a refractive
surface, we can utilize the flux capacitor.
Bobo: So all we have to do is move the Integral Infinity Field, and set
the time constant to -45.
Clara: Precisely.
[Clara moves to make the changes. Pearl and Observer stare at Bobo.]
Pearl: Bobo, when did you get so smart?
Bobo: I've always been smart, Lawgiver. I just have low self-esteem.
Clara: All right, we're ready to try it.
[SOL.]
Crow: Well, this is it. Good luck.
MAFP: Energize.
[An explosion is produced in front of Crow, who falls down.]
MAFP: I don't think it's working too well.
[Castle Forrester.]
Pearl: Hey, my Destructo Ray Thingy is working.
Clara: Wait a second. Let me see my notes.... Oh, here we are.
Possibility of producing killer ray. How about that. I even have
it underlined.
[SOL.]
MAFP: Well, I guess it's back to the drawing board, right. [Long Pause]
Right?
[Castle Forrester.]
Clara: You know, I've been thinking. About how you're always shoving me
out of the spotlight. How you've always got to be first. Things
like that.
[SOL.]
MAFP: Yeah. What does that have to do with anything?
[Explosion is produced in front of Marrissa. She ducks behind desk.]
MAFP: I take it that you're a little upset over it.
[More explosions. Marrissa starts running offscreen, screaming.]
[Castle Forrester.]
Clara: You think you're so special, huh. Let's see you get out of this!
[Activates ray again.] I'M THE GOD! I'M THE GOD!
[SOL.]
MAFP: [Runs back onscreen] This is a strange way to get a promotion.
[More explosions. Marrissa starts running offscreen in the other
direction, screaming.]
Mike: [Walks onstage, holding a repaired Tom.] Hey guys. What's new?
[An explosion is produced in front of Mike, knocking Tom's head off.]
Tom: This just isn't my day, is it.
[Lights flash.]
Mike: Whoa, we've got FANFIC sign!
Tom: Wait. Somebody grab my heeeeeaaaaaddddddd!
[6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...]
>
[All enter theater and sit down. Marrissa reattaches Tom's dome.]
Tom: Thanks.
MAFP: No problem.
Crow: I don't know about you, but I think Clara seems a bit high strung.
Mike: All engineering students are like that. I blame the caffeine
intake, personally.
> Shadow Stepping
Tom: [Singing] Me. And my shadow. Stepping along the avenue.....
>
> By Kim McFarland
Mike: Is that a name or a McDonalds special?
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Crow: [Martin Short] Line.
Mike: [Steve Martin, Whispering] Wherever there is suffering....
Crow: Right. Wherever there is suffering, you will find.....
Guys: The Three Amigos! [They do "Three Amigo Salute" in their chairs.]
MAFP: You guys are strange.
Crow: Who? Us?
>
> A small, peculiar
Crow: Say....
Mike: You couldn't even wait for the first sentence to end?
Crow: I don't know. It's probably just a mood swing.
> vehicle emerged from a large,
MAFP: Say....
Mike: See what you've done, Crow? See what a bad influence you've been?
Crow: [Lou Costello] Oh, I'm a baaaaaaaddddd boy!
> low building in a field
Tom: of dreams.
> and moved
Tom: Unlike this fanfic.
> to a straight road that did not connect to any other streets.
Tom: Well, that would make it prime real estate.... Huh?
Mike: I think Kim is trying to describe a runway.
Tom: Yeah, but there are roads connecting to a runway. How else do they
get planes into the hangars, and support trucks on the runway. Plus I'm
guessing there would be roads throughout an airport....
MAFP: Maybe their scenery budget was too low to include other roads.
> The vehicle positioned itself at one end, then rushed down the strip.
Crow: [Plane] Damn it, I'm late again.
Mike: I'm proud of you. You actually managed a clean riff for that line.
Crow: I did? Damn. Let me try it again.
MAFP: I'll do it.
Tom: Over my deactivated body.
> Before it reached the end it lifted into the air.
ALL: Say....
>
> She watched, startled.
Crow: They lost her luggage.
Tom: This surprised her? Who is she anyway?
Mike: I'm guessing Jen White.
MAFP: Who?
Mike: Skip it.
> She had never seen anything like this tiny, noisy
> machine.
Mike: [Hick voice.] Yep, them there newfangled airplane thingies sure
are unusual looking.
> It looked like a giant insect,
Tom: Jesse Helms?
> buzzing through the air on wings
> too small to hold it aloft.
MAFP: Yeah, that's how I'd describe an airplane. Think of a huge praying
mantis with small wings.
> She hid in a low cumulus cloud so its pilot
> would not see her.
Crow: So, it's a small green creature hiding in a puffy cloud.
Tom: You don't think....
Crow: I do. It's a Mario Brothers Crossover.
ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
>
> When it reached her height it began doing stranger things. It swooped
Mike: Snoopy pretending to be a vulture? NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
> and dove,
Tom: Look Jim. She's doing a double-breasted sommersault. It's the
hardest, and most beautiful, dive ever performed.
Crow: But look. She failed to keep her knees together coming out of that
dive. That'll cost her, Bob.
> spun and twisted
ALL: [Singing] Come on baby. Let's do the twist.
> in a manner strangely graceful for such an
> ungainly craft.
MAFP: Well. No pain, no gain.
Tom: So, what are we gaining?
Mike: Come on, guys. It's not that bad.
Crow: It's not that much of anything when you think about it.
> It was tinier than she had first thought;
MAFP: In other words, it was smaller than she thought?
Mike: We have a rule agains grammar flames.
MAFP: How is that a grammar flame?
Crow: Word choice. While possibly valid, there is an easier and less
confusing way of describing the thought within the context.
Hence, it's a grammar flame of the truly nitpicking.
Tom: They are to be used only during fanfics involving Marrissa Picard.
MAFP: Oh, well I'll keep that in.... Hey!
> she could see
> now
Crow: [Televangelist] It's a miracle. She was blind, but now she is
healed. Send money.
> that it did not even have room for two people inside. They were
Tom: Wait a second. If it only had room for one person, what does Kim
mean by They?
MAFP: Maybe they're the Men in Black. They're following a giant insect
craft.
Mike: I think she meant to say the plane had barely enough room for the
two people.
Crow: Good. For a second, I had a strange vision of a clown car.
> sitting as if in a boat,
Crow: They were sticking oars out of the craft?
> with only small clear screens to protect them
> from the wind.
MAFP: I'm not getting any of this. Is this a two seat plane where the
man in the front seat is facing the back of the plane, rowboat style?
Mike: No. Then there would be enough room for two passengers. I think
the author is trying to describe an old-style, one-seat
turbine engine plane that's carrying two passengers.
Crow: Which would mean that one is sitting in the lap of the other?
Gross.
Tom: Not exactly how I'd want to ride a boat, either.
> They did not have jet packs like she did.
MAFP: [Alien] So there. Nyah.
Crow: Oh, now it's a Rocketeer crossover. Damn you, Disney!
> They were
> brave!
Tom: Daring to enter her territory. She would have to make an example of
them. She would teach them fear....
Mike: Feeling dark, Tom?
Tom: Just a tad.
>
> It climbed steeply, almost directly over the cloud in which she was
> hiding.
Mike: And the crop plane accidentally dropped the insecticide all over
the alien, killing her off immediately.
Tom: Feeling dark, Mike?
Mike: Just a tad.
> While she watched, it executed a tight loop in the air, and a
> speck detached itself.
Crow: Stephanie Speck?
MAFP: How about that. It launched a probe.
>
> She watched with sudden alarm.
Mike: Oh, now it's an Alka-Seltzer commercial.
> She could hear a cry of terror coming
> from the speck.
Crow: [Speck] I'm in a DW fanfic. Help!
> Someone had fallen from the vehicle!
MAFP: This totally surprised the author, who had planned to have a
bowling ball fall from the plane.
Mike: So, that's what the "speck" is.
> And it would not be
> able to effect a rescue;
Crow: Despite the best efforts of the plane, the rescue went according to
plan.
Tom: No, that's "affect." You can use "effect" to mean "bring about."
Mike: Thank you, Kim, for being specific.
MAFP: I thought you guys didn't do grammar riffs.
Crow: We lied.
> it could not move fast enough.
Mike: [Shatner] We need more power, Scotty!
Tom: [Tim Allen] More power. Heh, heh, heh. Huh?
> She made a quick
> decision in the back of her mind
MAFP: [Alien] I should get the halter top swimsuit.
> and darted out of the cloud to
> intercept him.
Crow: She's at the 30... the 20.... Oh, she fumbled him. That's gonna
cost them, Bob.
>
> She managed to snatch his arm
Tom: Tearing it from his body due to the stresses from two opposing
forces.
MAFP: Fortunately, the arm was all she needed for her trophy case of
humans. The other Hirogen had laughed at her, but she would show them
all....
Guys: [Edge away from Marrissa.]
> and stop his fall. Her jet pack
> automatically compensated for the increased weight. He stopped screaming
> and stared at her in surprise. She stared back.
Tom: [Deep voice] Sleep!
Crow: So she came millions of miles to have a staring contest.
Mike: Sad, really.
> She had never seen an
> alien this close.
Tom: And so begins the turning point in Dana Scully's career.
Crow: Wait a second. I thought the lady was the alien and the boy was a
normal giant anthropomorphic Earth duck.
Mike: No, they proved that "Darkwing Duck" took place on another planet
during that episode where he got sucked through a helmet into the
"real world."
MAFP: He visited a show on MTV? [Shudders]
> He was just a child! He could be her age!
MAFP: He could have his own command!
Tom: You'd better smile when you say that, pardner.
>
> She sensed no fear from him, now that he was no longer falling. He was
> not afraid of her.
Tom: Would that be why she sensed no fear from him?
Crow: Well, let's not jump to any conclusions.
> He was bewildered.
Mike: He was bewitched.
MAFP: [Singing] That old black magic called love....
> She caught images of the flight
Tom: Of the navigator.
MAFP: I liked that movie.
> from his point of view; it had terrified him.
Crow: He took one look at the airline food and panicked.
Mike: It's probably why he jumped out.
> He had been afraid to fly
> in that strange, buzzing contraption. But
Mike: The other little kid needed the frequent flyer miles.
> he was not frightened of her
> and her jet-pack. In fact, they fascinated him.
Crow: Should I do it?
Mike: I suppose. Everyone's expecting it.
Crow: [Leanord Nimoy] Fascinating, Captain.
>
> She smiled.
Tom: We didn't.
> Now that she saw an alien up close,
Mike: She could sell her story to the tabloids.
MAFP: I don't get it. I see aliens up close all the time. They don't
excite me. Except for this Andorian engineer....
Guys: Marrissa!!!!
> he wasn't so strange
> after all!
Crow: That's Launchpad, right?
Mike: We'll probably get in trouble for revealing the surprise ending,
but yeah.
Crow: And he doesn't seem strange?
Mike: Not to an alien, no.
> She could even sense his thoughts
Crow: That's Launchpad, right?
> as if he were one of her
> own kind.
Tom: [Singing] When cousins... are two of a kind....
> Telepathically she asked, <<How did you fall?>>
Mike: Telepathically he answered, <<I want to call my lawyer.>>
>
> She sensed more bewilderment from him.
Crow: Duh, I fell?
> He must not be used to talking
> with his mind.
Crow: Now there's an understatement.
> But he had heard her, because the image flashed through
> his mind of the plain looping,
MAFP: Is that anything like a chocolate swirlie?
Crow: Figures. Launchpad falls out of a plane, gets picked up by an
alien, and he thinks about ice cream.
> turning upside down,
Mike: Mmm. An upside-down ice cream cake.
> and himself slipping
> out.
Tom: For a quick smoke.
Mike: Tom, I warned you about doing cigarette advertisements.
Tom: Whoops. Guess I wasn't thinking.
> His eyes squeezed shut. The fear returned. She told him, <<I won't
> let you fall.>>
MAFP: [Girl] I give you my word. Scout's honor. [Makes scout hand
sign.]
Crow: [Boy] AAAUUUGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Thud!
MAFP: [Girl] Whoops. Sorry.
[Commercials.]
>
> He opened his eyes again. The fear faded.
Mike: Along with his colors.
Crow: Should've used Cheer with Color Guard.
> Then he looked down again and
Tom: Went into a double-time panic.
> started laughing. He thought it was funny that he was flying without a
> 'plane'. He liked it.
Tom: [Launchpad] Ha, ha! I'm floating and in mortal danger. Whee!
>
> She laughed too.
MAFP: [Alien] What a moron. Heh, heh.
> Holding tightly to his hand, she began to fly over the
> landscape.
Mike: Unfortunately, she was flying rather low, so Launchpad was smacked
into the mountain.
Crow: Sad, really.
>
>-------------------
MAFP: Hey, look. Deep Space Line.
>
> He soon understood what had happened.
Crow: This is Launchpad, right?
Tom: I think we've done enough of that joke.
> She was an alien from another
> planet. He could tell that just from looking at her and her jet-pack.
Mike: And the way she panicked when the immigration guys arrived.
MAFP: INS! Open up!
> She was important somehow,
Tom: Could you be a little more vague, please?
Mike: The author probably thought we had watched every Darkwing Duck
episode in existence.
> so she was separated from most kids her age
> and had to study things instead of playing.
Crow: [Giles] Buffy, you have to accept your destined role.
MAFP: [Buffy] Yeah, yeah. I'm the slayer.
> She had snuck away from her
> caretaker so she could
Crow: have a snack.
Mike: A Voyager reference would be really nice right about now.
have a look at this strange planet her spaceship
> was visiting.
MAFP: [Alien] Geez, these guys are losers. Good thing I'm normal.
> If asked, he would not have been able to say how he knew
> all this; it simply was so.
Crow: The writer had been good to him.
> She was telling him by making him know.
Tom: So she was giving information..... by giving information.... I
CAN'T TAKE ANY MORE OF THIS!!!!
Mike: Calm down, honey. We're running low on replacement domes.
>
> "Ya wanna have some fun?" he asked.
MAFP: [Alien] What did you have in mind?
Crow: [Launchpad] I was thinking along the lines of special "alien
experiments."
MAFP: [Alien] Mmm. You must have read my mind.
Mike: I'm not warning either of you again.
>
> She looked at him in amazement. He had spoken!
Tom: He walks! He talks!
Mike: I'm thinking more along the lines of "Devil Doll," here.
> He looked too young to be
> able to talk!
Crow: [Old Man] Children should be seen and not heard.
> The people of this world did not have the ability to speak
> mentally,
Tom: The author had even fewer mental abilities.
Mike: Tom, we're not supposed to insult the author.
Tom: I'm sorry. This fanfic is just getting to me.
Mike: It's all right.
> so they had to talk out loud, even when they were children!
> But she understood him.
Crow: She's an alien unfamiliar with the concept of spoken communication,
so naturally she speaks English.
> She nodded.
MAFP: [Alien] Yep, I understood him, all right. Yep, yep.
>
> He pointed at an area in the landscape with a number of brightly colored
> buildings and strange moving things. "Let's go there."
Tom: It's the Soylent Green facility.
>
> She approached the area from a low angle, at they would not be seen.
Tom: So she becomes invisible when she flies parallel to the ground.
MAFP: Rather picky cloaking device.
> He
> threw her off balance at the last minute by struggling when the ground
> came too close; as a result they tumbled into a stack of empty cardboard
> boxes.
Crow: Hey, who knocked over those boxes?
Mike: Probably just a couple of invisible people. Forget it.
> She emerged unhurt. He had to pull a box off his head. When he
> looked around and saw the rubble he laughed.
Crow: [Launchpad] Random destruction is fun.
> Crashing wasn't so bad
> after all, she caught from his mind. It was fun!
Mike: And hence the Valuejet slogan is born.
>
> He led her by the hand into the fairgrounds.
Crow: How old are these guys, anyway?
Mike: They didn't say. I'm guessing about twelve.
Tom: And they walk around holding hands as if they were dating?
MAFP: What's wrong with dating at twelve?
Guys: [Inch away from Marrissa.]
> When they went up to a
> cotton candy stand someone
Crow: Mugged them and took their comma.
> looked at her and screamed,
MAFP: [Lady] It's the Beatles!
> "An alien!"
Mike: Sigourney Weaver in a role you won't believe.
> People fled.
Tom: I wish I could, too.
> He was surprised -
Crow: Diet Dr Pepper tastes just like Regular Dr Pepper?
> what was scary about her? So she had
> antennae; he thought they were kinda cute.
MAFP: Which brings us back to the Andorian I mentioned earlier....
Mike: Oh, all right. Make your comments. I don't care anymore.
Crow: Forget it. It's no fun to make sexual innuendos when they're
allowed.
MAFP: If I'm going to be a pervert, I want it to be WRONG, damn it!
> But she would need some way
> to go around without anyone noticing what she was.
Crow: She would need.... The Men in Black.
Tom: I can't take this any more. I just can't....
> Her face was normal
> enough, even if it was a little on the purple side.
MAFP: [Alien] Ack. Can't breathe.... in this.... atmosphere.....
> Then he looked at
> the cotton candy that he had caught when someone had run away. He
> grinned.
Crow: [Launchpad.] All right. See if you can scare a guy holding a
couple of hot dogs.
Tom: [Crying] I just can't take it any more!
Mike: Relax. We'll take a break soon.
MAFP: Besides, how much worse could it be?
>
> She spent the next hour riding the rides in the park, her head and
> antennae hidden by a "wig" of cotton candy.
All: [Stunned disbelief]
Tom: [Gets on the floor and starts crying.]
> She could hardly believe
> that she was surrounded by aliens, and they didn't notice her!
MAFP: [Alien] It's like I discovered some sort of plot hole.
Crow: [Mulder] I'm telling you, Scully. I think that little girl over
there might be an alien. It's just a hunch....
Mike: [Scully] Oh, please. It's just a giant purple duck wearing cotton
candy on her head. What's so strange about that?
> This was
> more fun than she could ever remember having. On one ride, a large,
Mike: I think it's time for a break. [Picks up the still crying Tom.]
> slowly spinning wheel with seats made to look like animals, he turned to
> her and said "I wish this could go faster, don't you?"
Crow: [Launchpad] I hate all of this waiting around. We love each
other, let's get it on....
MAFP: That was sooooooo wrong.
[1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...]
[Tom is typing a letter. Mike walks in.]
Mike: Hey, Tom. How's it going?
Tom: All right. I'm just writing a treatise about all of the Freudian
symbolism in this story and how it could lend clues to the author's
attempt to subvert our psychological profiles.
Mike: Uh, Tom. Look, I know that we've been making a few more innuendo
jokes than usual, but you don't really think that this story
classifies as erotica, do you?
Tom: Erotica? Erotica doesn't cover half of it! The huge list of
phrases that can be construed as subliminal pornographic messages
can only be the result of a secret conspiracy. In fact, paragrah
five proves how this story was written in the style of Cancer Man.
Coincidence?
Mike: All right. I'm going to go make some homemade ice cream. You have
fun, okay. [Shakes his head and leaves.]
Tom: Now, where was I? Oh, yeah, the twelve-year old couple who uses a
playground for a make-out session, and its link to the
liberal media establishment....
[Tom starts typing. Crow walks in, wearing a duck costume.]
Crow: Hey, how's it going?
Tom: Fine. I'm already on page.... YAAAAHHHHH!!!! DON'T DO THAT!
Crow: Sorry! I'm sorry!
Tom: No, it's my fault. I'm still a little jumpy.
Crow: No, it's my fault. I mean, wearing these costumes to make me look
like a character. Who else would be insane enough to do this
voluntarily?
[Marrissa comes in, wearing a cotton candy on her head. The cone is
sticking upright. Her face is covered with a duck mask similar to
Crow's.]
MAFP: Hi, guys.
Crow: I'm so proud of her. She hasn't missed a cue all day.
Tom: Who is that?
Crow: Uh, I think it's Marrissa.
Tom: It can't be her. She looks so.... so....
Bots: Normal.
MAFP: Thanks to my amazing disguise, I can now visit alien playgrounds
whenever I want.
Mike: [Comes in] Oh, hi Marrissa. Listen, I'm making homemade ice cream
and.... YAAAAHHHHH!!!!! What on Earth did you do to her?
Crow: Oh, I just helped her to fit in.
Tom: Doesn't she look normal now, Mike?
Mike: No! She looks ridiculous! And I'll bet that stuff doesn't come
off, does it.
Crow: Well, ummm....
MAFP: [Panicky] It doesn't?
Mike: Her dad is going to have a fit when he sees this?
MAFP: He will? My God, he will! Oh, this is so cool!
Mike: [Stunned.]
Tom: Yeah. Keeping our sanity is no longer an issue for any of us.
Anyway, we'll be right back.
MAFP: Hey, can I get a nose ring around here?
[Commercial Bumper.]
MAFP: How about a tattoo? Something simple.
[Commercials.]
[All enter theater. Marrissa and Crow are still wearing their costumes.]
>
> She nodded and closed her eyes. She closed her eyes
Tom: And then.... she closed her eyes a third time.
Crow: All this to describe a facial tick.
MAFP: Maybe she's got two sets of eyelids?
Mike: [Agent K from MIB] You gave a jet pack to an unlicensed
Cephalopod? You piece of slime!
> and willed the
> machinery powering the wheel to move faster. It did.
MAFP: Where do I learn how to do that?
> Soon the scenery
> outside the wheel was blurring by, too fast to see.
Mike: I'm glad to see that she's continuing to remain inconspicuous.
MAFP: [Gosalyn] Hey, I'm a kid. I'm supposed to be irresponsible.
>
> After a minute she allowed the wheel to slow and stop.
MAFP: [Alien] Oh, all right, wheel! You can stop complaining. I've
slowed down.
> He sat on the
> seat, still gripping the pole running through the animal sculpture for
> dear life.
Tom: Shouldn't that be "deer" life? Because it's animals....
Mike: We get it, Tom.
Crow: So, seeing as how the lovely couple were the only ones anywhere
near the carousel, why did he feel fear if he wanted it to go
faster?
MAFP: Maybe he was gripping the pole to get a different feeling.
Mike: Marrissa....
MAFP: Hey, you said I could make those comments now.
> She sensed his dizziness.
Mike: [Bill Clinton] I feel your pain.
> After a few seconds he opened his
> eyes and began laughing again.
Crow: It's nice that he could move on from that "close to death" episode.
> He made an odd gesture at her with his
ALL: Say....
> thumb and one finger.
Crow: The "New World Order" sign? She's a wrestling fan?
Tom: Hey, Kim! I'm making an odd gesture at you with one finger! Take
a look, pal!
Mike: Tom!
Tom: I'm sorry. This fanfic is just getting to me. The strange
wordings, the silly plot, the obvious link to Whitewater....
> She could tell from his attitude that it meant
> "good".
Tom: .... And if I see one more double entrende, I'm just going to blow
my head off. Again.
>
> They left the fair and went to the adjoining park. Nobody else was
> there; they went directly home after their time in the fair.
Crow: Wow.... I don't even know where to begin for this piece.
> She removed
> the cotton candy wig. Thankfully it was only sticky enough to stay on,
> and not enough to get messy.
MAFP: Wait, let me see if I got this straight. She put cotton candy in
her hair. It was sticky enough to stay on. But it could be removed
because it didn't make a mess.
Mike: Don't try to understand it. That way leads to madness.
> The sun was now low in the sky, almost
> touching the trees. He said, "Tag!"
Crow: [Launchpad] Yes, that was random. I couldn't think of anything
else to say.
>
> He was pointing at the ground.
Tom: [Launchpad] Duuuuhhhh. Dirt.
> She had drawn the meaning of the word
> from his mind, but he was too far away to touch her.
Crow: Obviously, he wanted to touch her....
Mike: Crow....
Tom: [head explodes]
Crow: Shoulder! I was going to say shoulder!
MAFP: Wow, he wasn't kidding.
> She looked down at
> the ground he was touching.
Crow: Wait. He wasn't touching the ground. He was only pointing to it.
> Her shadow stretched out behind herself; he
> had put his hand on that.
Crow: That what?
MAFP: Her behind, I guess.
Mike: Marrissa!
MAFP: What? She said it! Well, actually, I guess she didn't.....
> She stepped back to move her shadow away.
>
MAFP: Quick, hide! Kosh is coming this way!
Boys: [Stare at her]
MAFP: Uh, not like I've ever seen that show.
> He followed it, laughing, trying to step on it to tag her.
Tom: While my CPU is still active, may I point out that Kim chooses
some really weird places to put paragraph breaks.
> Smiling, she
> ran over to some of the strange structures in the park.
Mike: Oh, just like 2001.
> She caught an
> image from his mind that showed her that these were for children to play
> on. She ran over to an arrangement of boards hung between pairs of
> chains, leapt onto one of the boards and
MAFP: Hung herself. The end.
Mike: Feeling dark, Marrissa?
Crow: Not the first time.
> grabbed the chains on either
> side.
All: [Tarzan yells]
> It swung forward. She swung her legs to add to its momentum.
>
> She looked back.
Mike: And turned into a pillar of salt. The end.
Crow: Wow. Dark AND biblical.
> He was watching her, grinning with concentration,
Crow: Trying to see up her....
Mike: Crow!
Crow: ....nose, cause he was a really gross kid.
Mike: Close but no cigar. One more from either of you and I'll make you
watch Jack Frost.
Crow: You're bluffing.
> trying to figure out how to tag her shadow while she was swinging. He
> moved forward, about to step on her shadow,
Crow: And got hit in the nose.
MAFP: Remember, kids. Be smart around play equipment.
> then had to dart to the side
> when she swung back. Several times he tried, each time getting closer.
Mike: I don't know. You'd think Kim would think before showing kids
doing dangerous things. What if some kid read this story and
decided to emulate this behavior.
Crow: I'm betting that she didn't expect anyone to read this.
> She leapt off the swing. It swung back and hit him, knocking him over.
MAFP: [Alien] Sucker!
> She heard his surprise in his mind, and know that it had not hurt him.
Mike: In fact, it was actually kind of fun.
Crow: It had hit Launchpad in the head, thus averting possible damage.
>
> She ran over to a wheel, like the one they had ridden earlier, except
> this one had no seats. It was smaller, and had rails to hold onto while
> it spun.
MAFP: [Kim] Now that I think about it, it really didn't look anything
like the wheel that they had ridden before. Except for the
basic wheel shape. So just forget I said anything.
> She jumped on, grabbed a rail, and willed it to spin.
Crow: Would that make her a Spin Doctor?
All: [Groan]
MAFP: Say, does Tom's head explode often.
Mike: Pretty much. I can't say I blame him. One more reference about
the joys of getting hurt and my head'll probably explode.
>
> He picked himself up and ran over. He could get her this time!
Crow: [Vader] This time, there will be no escape for her.
> He chased
> her around, trying to keep up with the spinning of the wheel. She caused
> the wheel to move faster, and grinned as he struggled to keep up.
Mike: The possibility of him actually getting on the merry-go-round
failed to enter his thought processes.
> He had
> almost succeeded when his foot hit a rock, and he tumbled to the ground.
Crow: And once again felt the distinct pleasure of crashing.
Mike: [head explodes]
MAFP: Oh, yuck.
>
> She slowed the wheel and got off of it, concerned. He had fallen hard.
Crow: When he falls in love, he falls hard.
MAFP: Shouldn't we do something about Mike?
Crow: I don't know. I've never been in this situation before.
> But, again, she sensed that he was not upset by his fall. It had not
> hurt him.
MAFP: He is Invincible Man!
Crow: Hey, I know. The nanites can come in, construct a regeneration
machine, fix Mike and Tom, and dismantle it. All within a few minutes.
> He extended his hand. She barely managed to jump away before
> he could tag her shadow.
Crow: Talk about your one track minds.
MAFP: So, when do we begin?
Crow: Right about.... Now!
[Commercials.]
[All are back to normal. A strange boxlike object is suspended from the
top of the screen.]
Mike: Thanks, guys.
Ned: No problem. Okay, bring us up.
[Box raises off camera.]
>
> He got to his feet and ran after her. She darted about, changing
> directions, staying barely ahead of him.
MAFP: That was really nice of them to come over and help.
Tom: Yeah. Ned, you're the man.
> But eventually she heard a
> triumphant, "Gotcha!"
Crow: Boy, did I fool you. I had you running for no reason.
>
> She looked around. <<Really?>>
Mike: No, not really.
Tom: Oh, great. I was reactivated into a Toastidos Nachos commercial.
>
> "Yeah! You're it!" He said. His foot was touching the shadow of her
> head.
Crow: Who knows what evil feet lurks in the heads of men? The Shadow
knows.
MAFP: I think we all expected that one.
>
> Instead of turning around and chasing his shadow, she activated her jet
> pack and took his hand.
MAFP: So she just pretended to like him so that he could steal his hand.
Crow: How did she manage to detatch it, anyway?
Tom: Oh, that's easy. A rocket produces a high acceleration. So does
the hand she's holding. The rest of his body stays at rest, however....
Mike: And the resulting stresses just rip the hand from the body. Sad,
really.
> She lifted them into the air.
Crow: So she took both hands.
MAFP: Hey! Leave some for the other aliens.
> Once again they
> were flying.
All: [Singing] Up, up and away. In a beautiful balloon.
> This time she tried a few acrobatics to impress him.
Tom: And failed miserably, causing her to fall to her death.
MAFP: What we women go through to impress men.
> She
> imitated the loops that she had seen the airplane do in the air; he
> laughed and held on tightly to her hand.
Crow: [Launchpad] That was a good imitation. Now do Nixon.
>
> Soon, however, they saw a huge, metallic thing emerge from the clouds.
Mike: You know, it was this... thing.
Crow: Thanks for being specific, Kim.
Tom: Suddenly, I'm getting flashbacks to Independence Day.
> She recognized it at once; it was the spaceship that she had snuck away
Crow: Cheetos.
> from.
Tom: [English teacher] No, no. It's "She had snuck away Cheetos from
that spaceship."
Mike: After all we've gone through, we're going to get that picky about
grammar?
> They had found her.
MAFP: [Alien] Oh, no! It's the Men in Black!
> She told him in a brief image.
Crow: Was it a Sharper Image?
>
> The spaceship matched their flight in seconds. A portal opened in the
> bottom.
Tom: That's it. I'm going to blow my head off again.
Mike: Come on, Tom. It's probably not a Fruedian image....
Crow: After all the other images, can you say that for sure?
MAFP: And let's be honest. What kind of alien race would be stupid
enough to design a spaceship with a door on the bottom?
> Another alien, an adult
Crow: So she can point out the difference between a child and an adult
alien, but she can't just come out and say that it's an airplane.
> wearing an expression of annoyance,
Mike: He bought it at the Gap at half-off.
> looked out at them.
Tom: And exploded due to the sudden decompression in the cabin.
> He aimed a complicated-looking gun.
Mike: [Adult] Let's see, point it at target, set energy setting to
2.345....
Tom: [Adult] Adjust the astrophysical targeting fields.... Oh, damn. I
got another General Protection Fault.
MAFP: [Child Alien, exasperated] Dad! Do you want me to program that
for you, again?
Crow: [Launchpad] Cool. A weapon that blinks "12:00."
>
> That was the last thing he remembered.
Tom: After that, he was stricken with a major case of Alzheimers.
Mike: Tom! No! You can't make fun of Alzheimer's disease.
Crow: Yeah. What do you think this is? A Doonesbury strip?
>
> -------------------
>
> He was back in the airplane, his mind foggy.
Crow: So, his natural state, then.
> His father was still
> practicing for the airshow; he had not even noticed that he had fallen
> out.
Tom: Whoa! Time out! We established that the kid was sitting in his
father's lap.
Mike: Launchpad screamed, fell out of the airplane and disappeared for
half an hour.
Crow: And his father didn't even notice that his son was gone?
MAFP: Boy, and I thought my dad didn't give me attention.
> He looked back at his son.
Crow: Wait. We made a mistake. The father was sitting on the kid's lap.
Tom: Oh. In that case, it's easy to see how the father wouldn't notice
the kid's absence and return.
MAFP: What sort of dad sits on his KID'S lap?
Mike: Well, given the size of Launchpad....
> The boy was staring into the air in
> confusion, as if he had just awakened from a faint.
Crow: So, the father had fainted. No wonder he didn't notice that the
kid was missing.
Mike: No, I think she means that the kid looked like he had awakened from
a faint and was still getting his bearings.
Tom: [Agent K from MIB] Give the kid a new memory. Make it a happy one.
> He said, "You're
> looking a little woozy, son. Maybe we better go back down."
Tom: Wait. The kid said this?
Mike: No, the father was speaking this time.
MAFP: Hey, Kim! How about taking an English class? Huh?
Crow: In all fairness, this was an early story. She does better in
subsequent works like.... Uh, not that I've read any of them.
>
> Launchpad did not reply. He must have fainted from fear.
Crow: So, he couldn't speak because he fainted again?
Tom: No, no. He found himself transported there, so he fainted.
> But, he
> realized, he was not afraid now. He wondered why.
MAFP: Please tell me this isn't a song cue.
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mike: I think it's over.
All: Whew!
>
> This story was inspired by the Darkwing Duck episode "U.F. Foe"
Tom: For those of you who have seen *every* Darkwing Duck episode and
memorized the titles.
Crow: Thus making you even more of a loser than your average Trekkie.
MAFP: What's a Trekkie?
Mike: Uh.... I'll explain later.
> and the
> Urusei Yatsura (Lum) movie
Mike: "Ashrei Yoshvei (Vei) techa."
> "Only You".
Tom: [Singing] Could make me grow sooo much.
Crow: That was too easy.
>
> All characters copyright (c) Disney. Story copyright (c) Kim McFarland.
MAFP: Pain copyright (c) Pearl Forrester.
MIKE: MiSTing copyright (c) Annoyed Readers.
> Permission is given by the author to copy this story for personal use
> only,
Tom: Why would anyone want to copy this story? What's personal use?
Crow: Well, considering all of the innuendos of possible sexuality
between two small children.... Mike, tell me to be quiet.
> provided no changes are made to the story or the credits.
Crow: I'm not kidding Mike! Shut me up now while I still have some
sanity. AAAUUUGGHHH!!! I'm starting to visualize the personal use
of....
Mike: Crow!
Crow: Whew! Almost lost it there.
Mike: Honestly, I think you guys are just looking to hard.
Tom: That's what they pay us for.
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Back to My Etchings or The Negapage
>
MAFP: Oh, Etch you!
Tom: God bless you.
Crow: [Lloyd] We've got to go back to the future.
Mike: Let's just get out of here.
[1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...]
[Crow walks around, then trips. As he gets up, Marrissa walks in. She is
wearing a pair of "star antenna" that they give at carnivals for a buck.]
MAFP: Oh, thank God I saved you. I hope you weren't hurt.
Crow: No, definitely not. I actually find this fun. Watch. [Falls down
again.] Wheeee.
MAFP: Wow. I've never met an alien before.
Crow: Me, neither. Wanna have some fun.
Tom: [Is lowered, upside down, from the ceiling. He is holding a weapon
that looks like a cross between a BFG9000 and a Ghostbusters weapon.]
Not so fast. As the parent alien, I cannot allow this to
continue.
MAFP: Oh, come on. I just wanted to play with him.
Crow: Don't ever use that word choice again.
Tom: All, right. Now I have to zap you. [Fumbles for a bit.] Damn.
Hell of a time not to have working arms. But when I activate this ray,
you will forget ever meeting us.
[Tom drops the gun, which knocks out Crow.]
Tom: There.
[Tom and Marrissa leave. Mike runs in, wearing a mask to look like Crow.]
Mike: Oh, no. I knew that I should have done something when you fell out
of the plane half an hour ago. Are you all right, son? Say something?
Crow: [Stands up.] Actually, I'd like to take the time to talk to you
about your online business, and how it can benefit from Spam....
Mike: Tom, I think you gave him too much amnesia.
Tom: [vo] Oh, sure. Like I was the one that knocked him out.
MAFP: [vo] You were the one...
Tom: [vo] Forget it. The joke's getting old.
Mike: Never mind. Pearl's calling again.
Crow: And the best part of our offer is that you don't have to worry
about sending mail to AOL addresses....
[Castle Forrester]
Clara: All right. That should do it.
Observer: It's about time, too. [Looks to back left]
Bobo: [Looks in Observer`s face] Hey, is that a tear?
Observer: Don't be ridiculous....
Bobo: I think I see a tear.
Observer: I don`t even have a body....
Bobo: Oh, isn't that moving. [chanting] Observer has a tear.
Observer's feeling sad....
Observer: Absolutely ridiculous. [True to 9th season host segments, this
back and forth goes on for 10 minutes.] Oh, all right. Maybe I am
feeling a little moved.
Bobo: I knew it. I knew it.
Observer: However, I still cannot comprehend the thought of working with
someone as immature at this girl. So there. [Sticks out tongue.]
Pearl: [rolls eyes] Yeah, whatever. All right, Brain Girl. Let's see
this thing work.
Clara: All right. Activating. [Thingy begins to glow] Last call.
[SOL]
MAFP: [Shaking Tom's hand] Well, it was nice meeting you.
Tom: [Turns away dome, obviously sad] Yeah, get out of her you munchkin.
MAFP: Mike, thanks for letting me stick around, and do stuff.
Mike: [hugs her] It's our pleasure. Hey, you can drop in any time you
want.
Crow: Well, good luck. And remember not to spam without targeted e-mail.
MAFP: Thanks. I`ll probably miss you the most. [To Mike] You will fix
him, right?
Mike: Yeah, in a minute.
Clara: [vo] Ready to go yet?
MAFP: Yeah. Energize.
[Marrissa starts to glow red, then vanishes with the standard popping
noise.]
Crow: Say, Mike. Did you just tell Marrissa Picard that she could drop
in any time she wants?
[Closeup of Mike`s face, showing a look of panic. Dramatic music starts
playing.]
[Poof.]
All: [vo] AAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Credits and closing music. Panicked screams can be heard throughout.]
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and all characters are trademarks of
and copyright (c) 1994 by Best Brains, inc. Best Brains have absolutely
no idea about this post, so don't call them up and complain.
Star Trek: The Next Generation, and all characters, are
trademarks of Paramount Pictures. Darkwing Duck, et al, are
trademarks of Disney. They don't know about this post either.
Marrissa, Clara, and all other Kid's Crew characters are copyright by
Stephen Ratliff. Blanket permission for using Marrissa as a guest
character in a Misting was issued 4/30/96. To Ratliff, thanks.
Thanks also go to editors Jen White, Rottweiler, and Nicholas Louis Rogal
for editing this MiSTing.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes
only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks by Best
Brains, inc., or Paramount Pictures, inc., is intended or should be
inferred.
This post is copyrighted (c) 1998 by Melvin Pollack. Use of this article
or parts of this article for any purpose other than entertainment requires
my permission.
This post is for entertainment purposes, and was not designed to insult
any particular person or group. Any and all offensive remarks are
completely accidental. To any people or groups that are offended, I
sincerely apologize and wish to stress that the offense was not
intentional.
I received permission from Kim McFarland, and I would like to thank her.
This is in no way meant as a slam against her, and no copyright
infringement was intended. I also want to stress that I do not believe
that "Shadow Stepping" is an innuendo-filled erotica fic written by a
liberal elitist conspiracy. It's obviously the result of a right wing
conspiracy edited by Ken Starr.... Kidding, kidding.
This post was written without causing pain to any animals. Void where
prohibited. Post no bills.
>
> "Ya wanna have some fun?" he asked.