MiSTed: Ratliff's "Premier Ma[r]qui{s}" (2/4)
Loren Haarsma
========================== Part 2/4 ===================================
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[Mike and bots stumble into the theater.]
>> From: srat...@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
>> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>> Subject: DS9 Premier Maqui part 3
>> Date: 17 Sep 1996 19:06:55 GMT
>> Organization: Radford University
>> Lines: 198
>> Message-ID: <51mssf$9...@newslink.runet.edu>
CROW: You gonna be OK, Mike?
MIKE: Yeah. <cough> *Man* I hate it when he does that.
>> NNTP-Posting-Host: plunky.sunlab.cs.runet.edu
>> X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0]
>>
TOM: "Plunky"?
>>
>> Premier Maqui*
>> by Stephen Ratliff (srat...@runet.edu)
>> part 3
>>
>> * Note: I'm trying to use the singular here. Maquis (as in the episode)
>> is refering to the group. I'm refering to just one.
CROW: Ha ha! That's our Ratliff! For every spelling error he corrects,
he has to make another one right away to balance it out!
MIKE: Does this mean Ratliff's gonna introduce us to the leader of the
Maquis movement?
CROW: Maybe it's Marrissa's evil twin!
MIKE: Either bite your tongue, or I'll rip out your voice box.
CROW: Hey, come on, at least that would give us someone to root for!
>>
>> Chapter Two
>>
>> Captain's Log
>> USS Stargazer
>> STARDATE 50378.4
>> Captain T'Gwen Washington recording
>> Captain Zimbata of the Victory, having arrived to relieve me of
>> the Miranda, I hereby accept command of the USS Stargazer, NCC-2893, the
>> first ship of the Stargazer class.
CROW: Why is she recording this for Captain Zimbata? And how did she
arrive to relieve herself of the Miranda?
MIKE: It's Ratliffian syntax, Crow....
>> I look forward to beginning our
>> mission to reduce tensions in the demilitarized zone
MIKE: Ratliff is sending armed ships into a "demilitarized zone" to
reduce tensions?
TOM: He probably thinks it's a zone that suddenly has lots of demilitar
crystals in it or something....
>> by restraining the
>> Marqui and their Cardassian counterpart, the Hi'den order, or the order
>> of the forgotten and abandoned.
CROW: So ... they'll be playing "Hi'den Seek!"
>> Joining me on this mission will be my Cardassian first officer,
>> Gusat, and several other members of the Cardassia Central Command.
MIKE: [as T'Gwen] The Maquis believe that Starfleet is cooperating with
the Cardassian government to destroy the Maquis. To convince them
otherwise, we're inviting a Cardassian crew onto our Star Fleet ship.
>> In
>> addition, I have the pleasure of one Lieutenant Commander Marrissa A.
>> Picard,
TOM: I hope she's not implying that there could be *more than one*
Marrissa. [*shudder*]
>> serving as my Second Officer and Fighter Commander. Her youth
>> and vigor,
ALL: Saaaaaay!!!
>> not to mention ability will be a refreshing change from the
>> Miranda, where all my officers were older than 40,
MIKE: [as T'Gwen] ... and therefore totally incompetent.
CROW: Never trust anyone over forty!
>> 5 years older than
>> myself at the least.
TOM: Do you get the idea that Ratliff saw "Logan's Run" once, and
decided that they really had the right idea for how to run a
society?
>> Most of our personnel have arrived. However, I am distressed by
>> the lack of a Chief Engineer. Currently no one is assigned there. I am
>> now meeting with each of my command officers to get to know them better.
MIKE: [as T'Gwen] I'm gonna get sloshed with them down at the bar and
try to figure out what we did wrong to deserve getting stuck with
The Little Princess....
>>
>> "So Glinn," Washington asked. "What do you think of our young
>> fighter commander?" As they lounged in her Ready Room.
CROW: ... or readied in her Lounge Room....
TOM: Oh, great, strap yourselves in for yet another "All Sing the
Praises of Commander Marrissa Amber Flores Picard" scene!
>> "If she does as well with fighters against Marqui; as she does
>> with a saucer section, and a top-of-the-line Cardassian warship," Glinn
>> Gusat stated, "then she has my confidence.
CROW: Wait a minute ... when did she fly a Cardassian warship?
>> I certainly don't want to be
>> the pilot of the ship facing her again, and as for the weapons officer,
>> perish the thought."
MIKE & CROW: Huh?
TOM: Red alert! Syntax breach is imminent!
>> "Good, then I can expect few conflicts between you and our strong
>> willed fighter commander," the half-Vulcan replied.
MIKE: [announcer voice] ... Can two power-mad officers from different
species live on the same ship ... without driving each other crazy?
BOTS: [start humming the "Odd Couple" theme]
>> "And by the way,
>> you might want to pass the word not to call her Risa.
CROW: [as Gusat] No pleasure planet. Got it.
>> According to our
>> Chief Tactical Officer, that makes her mad enough to resort to practical
>> jokes under the guise of a drill."
>> "Practical jokes during a drill," Gusat responded. "I'd like to
>> know how she does that."
TOM: I'd like to know why she hasn't been court-martialed and flogged
for it!
MIKE: Annoying fellow crew members with childish pranks is easy ... once
you know the secret!
>> "I'm sure Lieutenant Ross Lockard will inform us," Washington
>> said.
CROW: [heavy sigh of despair] The "comic relief" scene, ladies and
gentlemen. The "comic relief" scene.
>>
>> At that moment, Lieutenant Ross Lockard was greeting the fighter
>> pilots in the Fighter bay. Twenty-nine Cardassians and an equal number
>> of Starfleet personnel stood in ranks by seniority in the over 10,000
>> square foot bay.
TOM: Isn't that kind of small for a fighter bay? That's, like, one
third the size of a football field!
MIKE: Oh, it's not the real fighter bay, it's just the Fisher-Price
Kids Crew fighter bay.
>> "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am the Chief Tactical Officer
>> on this vessel, Lieutenant Ross Lockard," he began.
ALL: Hi Ross!!!
>> "Your Commanding
>> Officer, the Fighter Commander, Lieutenant Commander Marrissa Picard,
ALL: [reciting in unison, dully] ... Second Officer of the USS Stargazer,
Fighter Commander of the USS Stargazer, Lord High Admiral of Star
Fleet Kids Crews, Princess and heir to the throne of Essex, and the
greatest teenager in the history of humanity....
>> had 'affairs of state' to finish
MIKE: So *that's* what kids call it these days.
CROW: [British] You know, "affairs of state," wink wink, nudge, nudge,
he said, knowingly, say no more, say no more....
>> and will be joining us later.
>> Meanwhile, it is my job to introduce you to the rules and regulations
>> of this vessel.
CROW: [as Ross] Rule #1: Marrissa is God. That's all. Any questions?
>> "First, you are expected to keep your fighters in order. We
>> only have fifty of them and a rather short engineering staff.
TOM: Hey, discrimination against the vertically-challenged is illegal
in the 24th century!
>> In fact
>> we are still waiting for a Chief Engineer.
CROW: [as Ross] Any of you guys feel like going down to Engineering and
giving it a try?
>> "Secondly, as to obeying orders, you are to obey all the orders
>> of those ranked above or positioned above you.
CROW: I don't know whether to read that line as blatantly obvious, stupid,
or kinky.
MIKE: Ratliff? Come here and let me slap you. I think that little-
known tidbit of military discipline was covered in basic training,
don't you?
>> Your direct superiors
>> will be the Fighter Commander, the First Officer, Glinn Gusat, and the
>> Captain, T'Gwen Washington.
>> As Ross concluded his remarks, Marrissa Amber Picard entered the
>> bay.
TOM: The air chilled noticeably and an eerie chanting began in the
background.
>> Noticing her Ross
CROW: [as Marrissa] That's *my* Ross!
>> announced, "Now here is your commanding officer,
>> Lieutenant Commander Marrissa Picard."
ALL: [reciting in unison, dully] ... Second Officer of the USS Stargazer,
Fighter Commander of the USS Stargazer, Lord High Admiral of Star
Fleet Kids Crews, Princess and heir to the throne of Essex, and the
greatest teenager in the history of humanity....
>> As he moved to leave, he
>> whispered in Marrissa's ear, "I got them ready for you, enjoy."
CROW: [as Ross] I warmed 'em up for you. Now make 'em laugh, kid!
>> "Fellow pilots," she began. "As Ross has no doubt informed you,
>> I am the fighter commander on this vessel. I am also the second officer
>> as well.
CROW: [as Marrissa] And a princess! Did I mention that I'm a princess
too?
TOM: Yes, she is also, additionally, concurrently, and simultaneously
a princess as well, besides, at the same time, too.
>> Since I have the honor of serving as fighter commander, it is
>> my duty to organize this department and provide a chain of command. A
MIKE: [as Marrissa] Here... take these chains and put them on!
>> full chain of command in the department will take awhile but organizing
>> it will not. After I have dismissed you, you will find your wing and
>> quarters assignment on the wing status display board on the right side
>> wall as you exit the bay toward engineering. I am now also prepared to
>> announce your wing commanders.
TOM: Ooo, a new Wing Commander! Does Mark Hamill fight the Kilrathi in
this one, too?
>> This is based on those tests you all
>> took in the past couple days.
MIKE: [as Marrissa] You remember... that "Are You Compatible With Your
Fellow Pilots" test that I got out of last month's "Cosmo"?
>> Red wing, Lieutenant junior grade
>> Katherine Lockard, Blue wing, Lieutenant junior grade Matthew Grubb,
CROW: Age 12....
>> Green wing, Lieutenant junior grade Tibek,
TOM: Age 11....
>> Black wing, Dar Dukat Mikor,
>> Brown wing, Assist Dar Ekat, Orange wing, Assit Dar Davek, and last but
>> not least our combined wing, Yellow, Lieutenant junior grade Tanis
>> Solar.
TOM: Hey, it's the Rainbow Coalition! 'Cause it's different races,
see, and all those colors... ah, forget it!
>> Please report to the conference lounge on deck 7 at 1100 hours,
>> tomorrow. That is the Wing Debriefing Room, so please make sure you
>> know where it is."
MIKE: [as Marrissa] Ha ha, I lied! It's another of my brilliant
practical jokes! It's not on deck 7, it's on deck 14! Ha ha,
you're all demoted!
>>
>>
>> Twelve-year-old Kerstin Szustakowski was in class when it all
>> began on the Roanoke.
TOM: Oh no....
>> First the ship went to Yellow Alert.
TOM: Don't tell me....
>> Then the
>> ship shook and went to Red Alert. Finally her teacher collapsed.
TOM: Miiiiiiiike! He's doing it again, isn't he?!
MIKE: I'm afraid so, guys.
BOTS: [bone-chilling wails of anguish]
>> As the rest of her class was sitting there shocked at the
>> teacher's collapse, only Kerstin could take the initiative.
MIKE: [as Kerstin] Come on, everybody! Let's *PARTY*! SCHOOL'S OUT
FOREVER!!
>> "Classroom
>> Two to Sickbay, Medical Emergency," she said. There was no response.
BOTS: [Whimper] Mike, make it stop! Please!
MIKE: C'mon guys, don't give in. Help me out here!
>> "Medical Emergency in Classroom Two." Still no response.
MIKE: Looks like the doctor's been writing his own prescriptions
again....
CROW: Brace yourself! Ten seconds to plot device!
BOTS: [shudder]
>> "Kerstin to
>> Engineering." No Response.
CROW: ... seven ... six ...
>> "Kerstin to the Bridge." No Response.
TOM: Kerstin, take the hint! Nobody wants to talk to you!!!
CROW: ... four ... three ...
>> "Computer, crew status, authorization Kerstin Alpha Five Four Oh Kids."
>> "Adult crew out of commission due to
CROW: [as computer] ... cheesy plot device.
>> unknown compound in
>> ventilation," the Computer responded. "Activating Kid's Crew, Kerstin
>> Szustakowski now in command. Intruder alert, on the Bridge."
MIKE: Just when you thought the adults in this story were already
useless enough, Ratliff invents a gas to complete the job!
TOM: No, no, no, NOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Not again! I refuse to acknowledge
that Ratliff is *yet again* writing a plot contrivance with a
mysterious unknown compound that disables adults, but somehow
leaves members of the Kids Crew completely unharmed! Not only is
it the most blatantly contrived and overused plot device in
Ratliff's entire body of work, but it MAKES NO SENSE!!!!! If
anything, the kids should be *more* susceptible to all the unknown
compounds and chemicals and stuff! Lalalalalalalalalalalalala!!!!
I'm not listening to you, Ratliff! It's not happening!
Lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala!!!!!
>> "Transfer command to Classroom two, lock down the bridge and
>> change all command codes
CROW: Do you think Marrissa has been using this "Ratliff gas" in smaller
doses all along to assist in her rise to power? It would explain
a lot!
>> to settings in file
>> KidsCrew/Operation/Codes/Kerstin," the eleven year old girl ordered.
MIKE: She's only been in command for a few seconds, and already she's
a year younger!
CROW: Think Tom's gonna be all right?
MIKE: I don't know....
TOM: [still shuddering] HmmHmmHmmHmmHmm!
>> "Seal all sections that Intruders occupy with force fields."
MIKE: What about the sections that intruders occupy with other means?
>> "Unable to comply, system disabled," was the computer's
>> response.
>> "Great," was Kerstin's reply, as she tapped her combadge. "All
>> Kid's Crew members report to Classroom Two.
CROW: [as Kerstin] Recess is over!
>> Computer, their is
>> decompression problems on the bridge and the other areas the Intruders
>> occupy, lower bulkheads."
>> "No pressure drop located."
TOM: [as Hal] I'm afraid I can't do that, Kerstin....
CROW: He'll be OK.
>> "There is a sensor malfunction, lower bulkheads, authorization
>> Kerstin Alpha Four Oh Five Beta Princess."
MIKE: Isn't that a Japanese cartoon show? A Sailor Moon spin-off or
something?
CROW: Yeah, but you have to call it "anime."
>> "Lowering bulkheads."
TOM: You're pronouncing it wrong, Crow. It's "ah-nee-may," not "a-neem."
CROW: Oh, bai-tee may!
>>
>> The next mornings staff meeting on the Stargazer was held in the
>> conference lounge below the bridge at 0800 hours.
CROW: The conference lounge would be above the bridge from 1200 to
2400 hours.
>> In attendance were
>> Captain T'Gwen Washington, Commander Gusat,
MIKE: [as Gusat] <mumble grumble> ... stupid morning meetings ...
<mumble grumble> ... coffee....
>> and Lieutenant Commander
>> Marrissa Picard. The new Chief of Operations, the Cardassian Assist
>> Duvet, and the Chief Tactical Officer, Lieutenant Ross Lockard were also
>> there. Just arriving was the Doctor and Chief of Security.
>> The half-Vulcan, half human
MIKE: [as announcer] ... All Action!
>> Captain began, "Ladies and
>> Gentlemen, welcome to the Stargazer,
CROW: [as T'Gwen] Please enjoy the buffet.
>> since not all of you have met, we
>> will begin with introductions. Please tell us your name, and your duty
>> assignments.
TOM: Ratliff? Hello? We covered this in the preceding paragraph!!!
MIKE: Sorry, Tom ... it's like some kind of ritual with this guy.
TOM: Just *once*, can't Ratliff just say, "They introduced themselves
to each other."?!?
>> I am T'Gwen Washington, Captain. My job is commanding
>> officer."
MIKE: [as T'Gwen] I'll do Captain things and generally be the Captain
when a Captain is needed.
CROW: Must be the remedial staff meeting for guys who only got into
Starfleet Academy on football scholarships.
>> She gestured to her right.
>> A Cardassian spoke up, "I am Gusat, Glinn. I am the First
>> Officer."
MIKE: [as Gusat] I'll do the Captain stuff when she's not around.
>> Next to him, another Cardassian spoke up, "Duvek, Assist Glinn,
>> Chief of Operations."
CROW: Czar of unnecessary medical procedures.
>> Beside him was yet another Cardassian, "Assist Gavek, Chief of
>> Security."
>> Beginning down the other side was a brown haired man, who
>> stated. "Ross Lockard, Lieutenant, Chief Tactical Officer."
CROW: [as Ratliff] Hi, my name is Stephen Ratliff, and I'm an
introduce-aholic.
MIKE & TOM: HI STEPHEN!
>> Next was a man in medical attire with straw-like hair.
>> "Lieutenant Commander Jackson Johnson, Chief Medical Officer," he
>> drawled.
MIKE: [as CMO] I heal people when they're sick and injured and stuff.
TOM: [as CMO, with drawl] Y'all c'mon dawwn t' Sic Bay any time'n ya
want chitlins an' gravy. It's mah spec-i-al-ity.
>> And last but certainly not least
ALL: Oh, *certainly* not!
>> was the blond girl on the left
>> of the Captain. She recited.
MIKE: ... Here it comes again....
>> "Princess Marrissa Amber Picard,
>> Lieutenant Commander, Second Officer, Fighter Commander.
CROW: [as Marrissa] But I just *hate* titles....
>> Shall I go on
>> to my duties that do not pertain to this ship?"
TOM: [as officers] Oh, sure, just go ahead and drone on about things
which are absolutely irrelevant to doing our jobs, but will inflate
your ego even more than it already is. We'll all sit here and
pretend to be enthralled since you control who lives and who dies....
>> "Go ahead, I'd like to know what else you have to do," Gusat
>> responded.
MIKE: [as Gusat] ... so they'll know what to put on your obituary after
you die at my hand.
>> "Coordinating Officer of the Kid's Crew program, Heir to the
>> throne of Essex," Marrissa finished.
CROW: "Finished?" Ha! She's only *begun* to collect power and titles!
TOM: [as commercial announcer] The introduction sequence! It serves a
much needed purpose in today's fanfic, much like Roger Corman's
walking scenes, the rock-climbing in "Lost Continent," and almost
all of the movie "Sidehackers"! So the next time *you* need to pad
out a story, be sure to consider the padding method preferred by
Stephen Ratliff! Introduction sequences! Ask for them by name!
>> "I have just found us a Chief Engineer, Lieutenant Virginia
>> Szustakowski. She will be joining us in the zone," Captain Washington
>> concluded.
>> "Bridge to Captain Washington," Katherine Lockard interrupted.
>> "Go ahead Lieutenant," Washington replied.
>> "A priority one signal has come in from Captain George Siena of
>> the Fearless," Lieutenant Katherine Lockard announced.
TOM: Along with Commander Bart Tungsten and Lieutenant Cliff Beefpile,
Captain George "Burnt" Siena kicked butt across the galaxy!
>> "Request for
>> immediate assistance.
CROW: Ironically, the Fearless is in a panic!
>> Captain Sisko has asked if we can handle it, since
>> Commander Worf has the Defiant in the Gamma Quadrant."
>> "Inform Sisko that we will be underway as soon as he gives us
>> clearance," Captain Washington replied, standing up.
CROW: Umm, maybe I'm missing something here, but doesn't "immediate
assistance" imply that they've got clearance or whatever?
MIKE: In the Ratliverse, all requests for emergency assistance have
to be filed in triplicate and cleared with both Starfleet Command
and Kids Crew Headquarters before anybody's allowed to help.
>>
>> From the stairs to the deck below, the Command crew of the USS
>> Stargazer emerged onto the bridge.
MIKE: No one will be seated during the gripping stair-climbing scene.
>> Lieutenant Katherine Lockard
>> relinquished the Command chair to Captain T'Gwen Washington as the rest
>> of the Command crew filed in. She took over the helm from some junior
>> officer.
TOM: [as announcer] Ensign Throwaway is back! And this time,
it's personal!
MIKE: [as T'Gwen] Wait! Hold everything! There's a junior officer here
whose name we don't know! We're not going *anywhere* until we start
another round of introductions!!!
>> Glinn Gusat took his seat beside the Captain. Duvek relieved
>> his second, Lieutenant Lavelle and Lieutenant Lockard and Assist Gavek
>> both took up tactical as Lockard was helping Gavek learn the system.
CROW: Oh, this is encouraging. Let's go into a crisis situation with
half of our crew learning on the job!
TOM: At least they don't have to wait until next Tuesday for most of
their equipment....
>> Lieutenant Commander Marrissa Picard
ALL: [reciting in unison, dully] ... Second Officer of the USS Stargazer,
Fighter Commander of the USS Stargazer, Lord High Admiral of Star
Fleet Kids Crews, Princess and heir to the throne of Essex, and the
greatest teenager in the history of humanity...
>> sat down at the Fighter Commander
>> console.
>> "Ops, do we have clearance?" Captain Washington asked.
TOM: [as Ops] Yes, up to 50 percent off all items in the store.
>> "Clearance from Deep Space Nine has been logged," Duvek replied.
MIKE: "Got your clearance, Clarence?"
CROW: "What's your vector, Victor?"
TOM: "Roger, Roger."
MIKE: The "Airplane" sketch, ladies and gentlemen, the "Airplane" sketch.
>> "CONN?"
TOM: COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!
MIKE: Oh, come on, Tom, we've done that joke about 58 times by now!
TOM: Yeah, I know, but it's not a joke, it's primal scream therapy
to stave off the despair and horror of knowing that this Ratliff
fanfic has barely even *started* yet.
>> "Departure course laid in and awaiting your command," Katherine
>> Lockard replied.
CROW: Maybe we should just give up and scream through the entire fanfic.
>> "Release Docking clamps, forward and aft thrusters to station
>> keeping. Port thrusters to one quarter," T'Gwen Washington ordered.
>> "Take us out, Lieutenant."
TOM: Always obedient, the Lieutenant drew her phaser and took out the
entire bridge crew. Marrissa was instantly, irrevocably and
permanently disintegrated. Then she pointed the weapon at her own
head and fired. The End.
MIKE: I can see that scream didn't last very long....
>>
>> Stargazer pulled away from lower pylon two of Deep Space Nine.
>> Sliding sideways she
CROW: She slides sideways by the seashore!
>> cleared the port and then pulled out of Deep Space
>> Nine away from the wormhole.
MIKE: The raucous "No More Marrissa" party at Quark's could almost be
heard through the vacuum of space.
>>
>> "Now clear of Deep Space Nine," Kathy announced.
>> "Captain Sisko sends his best wishes," Assist Glinn Duvek
>> informed.
TOM: [as Duvek] Oh, he also said: "Don't come back if *she's* on board."
>> "Thank him for me. CONN course, one five two, mark six two,"
>> Captain Washington ordered. "Warp eight, it's time we see what this
>> ship can do. Commander Picard, have two wings ready to take off on a
>> moment's notice."
CROW: [as Marrissa] Yes, Captain, but it'll take time for me to grow
them, and it's really going to hurt to remove them!
>> "Blue and Black wings will be ready in five minutes," Marrissa
>> replied. "Please note that in the future I intend to cut that time to
>> two minutes."
TOM: [as Marrissa] Beatings will continue until the pilots bend
to my will.
MIKE: [as Marrissa] I've been studying up on 20th Century KGB torture
and blackmail techniques to keep my people in line!
>> "So noted," Captain Washington said.
CROW: [as T'Gwen] And please note that in the future I intend to cut
your throat at the first opportunity....
>>
>> --
>> Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University.
>> srat...@runet.edu Marrissa Stories Author
>> homepage: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/
>> FAQ Maintainer for alt.startrek.creative FAQs/
>>
>> "Sticks and stones won't break my bones, so you could imagine how I
>> would feel about being called names."
>> - The Doctor, "Basics pt II" Star Trek Voyager.
MIKE: Yup. Ratliff *is* feeling testy these days.
>>
>> From: srat...@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
>> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>> Subject: DS9 Premier Maquis pt 4
MIKE: Check it out, guys. He got the title right this time!
CROW: Now let's see if he sticks with it.
>> Date: 24 Sep 1996 14:01:43 GMT
>> Organization: Radford University
>> Lines: 66
>> Message-ID: <528pk7$2...@newslink.runet.edu>
>> NNTP-Posting-Host: rucs2-gw.runet.edu
>> X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0]
TOM: I didn't know Yassir Arafat was an empath.
>>
>>
>>
>> Chapter Three
>>
>> The Maquis did not expect any resistance from the Roanoke, after
>> all
MIKE: ... everyone had mysteriously disappeared from that colony centuries
ago.
>> they had a drug that caused instant loss of consciousness in the
>> adults they had tested it on. However
TOM: ... their plan failed, due to the well-known scientific fact that
human children are biologically an entirely different species from
adults.
>> almost as soon as they arrived
>> the bulkheads went down, trapping them on the Bridge and Engineering.
>> Kerstin and her Kid's crew had destroyed their ship.
CROW: Kerstin panicked and activated the self-destruct?
MIKE: We wish!
TOM: Chalk up another several dozen deaths for Marrissa and her army of
the damned.
>> They couldn't
>> access the Computer.
MIKE: [as Maquis] Damn that password-protected screen saver!
>> They did manage to sabotage the ship's engines by
MIKE: ... pulling the distributor cap?
CROW: ... plugging the exhaust pipe with a potato?
TOM: ... pouring sugar in the warp core?
>> manually removing key computer components, but that was all they could
>> do.
>> Kerstin Szustakowski had their number, and was about to call it.
MIKE: [as Kerstin] B ... Eight!
CROW: Bingo!
>> As soon as reinforcements arrived that is. Two dozen children versus two
>> scores of Maquis, that just wasn't odds that Kerstin liked.
MIKE: Aw, that's just because this is Kerstin's first Ratliff story.
CROW: The touching naivete of youth....
TOM: I'm sure she'll get with the program before too long.
>>
>> "Someone has stolen Captain Seina's ship," Washington stated
>> before her assembled bridge crew.
MIKE: Stargazer bridge crew comes with everything you see here. Some
assembly required. Batteries not included.
>> "Excuse me Captain, did you say stole?" Lieutenant Ross Lockard
>> asked, shocked. "You don't steal a starship ... we haven't had one
>> stolen since Kirk stole the Enterprise."
TOM: Hey, didn't somebody steal a starship in "Time Speeder?"
CROW: Yeah, but this story takes place somewhere before "Time Speeder."
Isn't Marrissa a full Captain in "Time Speeder?"
TOM: No, "Time Speeder" actually occurs shortly before this story in
Ratliff's timeline. She's in command, of course, but she's not
a captain.
CROW: I guess even Ratliff wants to forget about that story!
>> "Captain Seina believes the Maquis commandeered his vessel,"
>> Washington replied.
MIKE: I don't know what frightens me more --- that Ratliff created this
insanely detailed timeline for his stories and promptly ignores it,
or that we've got the damn thing memorized now....
>> "He also suspects his Doctor, who he left in
>> command, has something to do with it."
>> "Makes sense," Glinn Gusat responded.
TOM: [as Gusat] ... except for the parts about leaving a Doctor in
command, and giving almost your whole crew shore leave while in
hostile territory....
>> "After all someone had to
>> arrange for the right people to come aboard."
CROW: [snooty voice] We only allow the *right* people onto our starships.
>> "The ship's Chief Medical Officer, even one with his commander's
>> pips doesn't have that much power," Doctor Johnson observed. "Someone
>> else must have been involved."
TOM: [as Johnson] I think it was the guy behind the grassy knoll.
>> "Agreed, Doctor," T'Gwen Washington responded. "But I'm afraid
>> we may never find out who. Admiral Ellis has imposed a gag order.
CROW: [as T'Gwen] We have orders to put a gag on Marrissa!
ALL: [cheering and applause]
MIKE: So, has anybody else spotted the subtle clues that Admiral Ellis
might secretly be one of the bad guys?
TOM: Have *you* guessed the identity of the secret villain? If so,
turn to page 125 and see how Encyclopedia Marrissa solved
"The Case of the Evil Admiral Ellis!"
>> We
>> may search for the Fearless, but no one is to speak of suspected reasons
>> for her disappearance."
>> "Makes sense," Glinn Gusat commented.
TOM: [as T'Gwen] It's also been rumored that the Fairy Godmothers of
Xanadu gave the Maquis a magic powder that let them transform the
Fearless into a polka-dotted rhinoceros so that they could pass
through Federation territory without being noticed!
CROW: [as Gusat] Makes sense.
MIKE: [as T'Gwen] We've also determined that the Borg invasion was
*really* triggered by the Masons and Communists of old Earth under
the leadership of Adolf Hitler in order to provide a cover for their
plan to gain a controlling interest in the dilithium mining industry!
CROW: [as Gusat] Makes sense.
>> "I'm glad it makes sense to you, Glinn," Marrissa replied. "It
>> makes very little for me."
>>
>> Kerstin Szustakowski had just reached Admiral Ellis. Apparently
>> an urgent call from the Captain of a Kid's Crew was not urgent to the
>> Admiral.
TOM: Finally, an admiral with some brains.
CROW: Have we *ever* seen one of those in Star Trek?
TOM: Hmm.... Well, Kirk, I guess, but I think that's the reason
they had to demote him....
>> "What is it? I've got Personnel Review Forms to finish," the
>> Admiral snapped.
CROW: 9-1-1 emergency, please hold....
TOM: [as Ellis] How am I supposed to get this paperwork done when you
people keep interrupting me with your Priority 1 distress calls?!!
>> "I need immediate assistance," Kerstin stated. "I've got forty
>> Maquis Officers on board occupying my bridge, all the adults are
>> unconscious and I just have two dozen untrained children at my
>> disposal."
MIKE: [as Kerstin] And to top it all off, the replicators won't give me
any hot chocolate!
>> "And you are?" Ellis said with contempt.
>> "Kerstin Szustakowski, Captain, Kid's Crew USS Roanoke," she
>> replied. "When can I expect assistance?"
CROW: [as Ellis] You kids should be able to handle this by yourselves!
Haven't you ever seen "Home Alone"?!
>> "What assistance," Ellis sneered. "You aren't worth the
>> trouble. Ellis out."
TOM: Ah, I love the subtle, devious manipulations of a Ratliff villain!
MIKE: He could have at least *pretended* to send out assistance, but I
guess that would have been just too subtle.
CROW: Well, at least he's not named "Yrev Tpurroc" this time....
>>
>> Kerstin wasn't happy with the latest development. She'd done
>> just like the manual said.
MIKE: Guess it's time to call the toll-free tech support line.
CROW: [as Kerstin] I don't understand! I don't *have* an "any" key!
>> But the Bastard wouldn't help her as the
>> regulations required.
MIKE: Hey, watch your language, little girl!
TOM: I tell you, this Kids Crew program is a breeding ground for
juvenile delinquency, Communism, and beatnikkery!
>> Fortunately, Kerstin followed the advice of her
>> Kid's Crew supervising officer,
CROW: Kill 'em all, and let God sort 'em out?
>> always have a back up plan.
TOM: Deus ex Machina, to the rescue!
>> In fact she
>> was about to contact that very officer.
TOM: ... same thing.
MIKE: [as Marrissa] What do you want?! I've got paperwork to do!!!
Just go down with your ship and quit whining, you big baby!
>>
>> --
>> Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University.
>> srat...@runet.edu Marrissa Stories Author
>> homepage: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/
>> FAQ Maintainer for alt.startrek.creative FAQs/
>>
>> "Sticks and stones won't break my bones, so you could imagine how I
>> would feel about being called names."
>> - The Doctor, "Basics pt II" Star Trek Voyager.
>>
>>
>> From: srat...@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
>> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>> Subject: DS9 Premier Maquis part 5 - New
CROW: ... "and Improved?"
MIKE: What do you think?
>> Date: 1 Oct 1996 14:21:41 GMT
>> Organization: Radford University
>> Lines: 85
>> Message-ID: <52r9dl$r...@newslink.runet.edu>
>> NNTP-Posting-Host: rucs2-gw.runet.edu
>> X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0]
>>
>>
>> Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
>> The Marrissa Stories
>> Premier Maquis*
>> by Stephen Ratliff (srat...@runet.edu)
>>
>> *other parts had Marqui, due to my spell checker insisting that that was
>> the correct spelling. Marqui is a noble rank. Maquis is a resistance
>> movement.
CROW: [as Ratliff] It was the spellchecker! The spellchecker made me do
it! I knew it was wrong all along, but the spellchecker forced
me to write it like that!
>>
>> Part 5
>> other parts available by request or on the web at:
>> http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/works/stories.html
MIKE: That, my friends, is the scariest line of the whole story.
>>
>> Chapter Four
>>
>> "Commander Picard, urgent communication for you from Kerstin
>> Szustakowski, USS Roanoke," Assist Glinn Duvek said from Operations.
CROW: [as Duvek] Will you accept the charges?
MIKE: Where does he come up with these names, anyhow? "Assist Glinn
Duvek?"
TOM: I think that's a TV show --- like a really lame version of "Get
Christie Love!"
>> "I'll take it in the Observation Lounge," Marrissa Picard
>> replied,
MIKE: [as Marrissa] Stupid old bridge doesn't give me any privacy when
my friends call!
>> then remembering that she had been left in command,
CROW: Marrissa had become so obsessed with her plans for galactic
domination that little details began to slip away from her.
>> she
>> continued. "You have the Bridge Duvek." She got up out of her station
>> above the stairs and walked around to and down the stairs.
TOM: To the Bat Pole!
>> Duvek
>> meanwhile took to the command chair as Lieutenant Lavelle replaced him
>> at Ops.
MIKE: Whew! The action here is leaving me breathless.
TOM: Remember, the first rule of fiction writing is: "Never, ever, let
your readers be confused about the precise geographical locations
of your minor characters!"
>>
>> Minutes later Captain Washington entered the bridge. "Where is
>> Lieutenant Commander Picard?" she asked.
CROW: [as Duvek] Duhh, I dunno, I'm just a temp.
MIKE: Hey!
>> "The Commander had a call from a Kerstin Szustakowski, acting
>> Captain USS Roanoke," Duvek said as he returned to his station.
TOM: [as Duvek] She wanted to know if Marrissa could "come out and
play."
>> "Kerstin Szustakowski?" T'Gwen Washington mused. "Kid's crew in
>> command, again.
CROW: [as T'Gwen] The horror ... the horror....
>> Can't Captain Mary Szustakowski keep her children out of
>> the command chair?"
TOM: Not as long as Ratliff continues to warp space and time and
stretch credibility to the breaking point to put them there!
>> "Careful Captain," Katherine Lockard said from the helm. "I'm
>> one of those children."
MIKE: [as Dennis Hopper] Do you know what would happen if Marrissa heard
about that little comment? Ooooo ... bad things, man!
>> "No offense intended, Lieutenant," the Captain apologized.
>> "None taken, Captain," Kathy replied.
TOM: [as Lockard] But I am taking notes. Once we rule Starfleet, say
hello to the wonderful world of the Starfleet Sanitation Corps,
Crewman Fourth Class Washington!
>> "I know Mom has spent a
>> lot of time out of the chair in the past couple years, most of the time
>> with one of my little sisters taking her place.
CROW: [as Kathy] Other times with her pet schnauzer Fluffy taking her
place.
>> It seems some Star
>> Fleet Admirals have found a little trick that allows him to send a
>> Captain Szustakowski even when Mom gets herself injured."
CROW: It's called "nepotism," kid....
MIKE: Actually, it's a stupid plot device called "The Ratliff Maneuver."
>> "I wish I hadn't told Admiral Okie of that little trick,"
CROW: You and me both, kiddo.
>> Marrissa Picard said, emerging from the stairs. "At the time it seemed
>> like the only way to stop that war in the Naklab system though."
TOM: Please, Steve, *must* you torture us with these memories?
>> "Hey, my sisters aren't objecting," Katherine responded. "After
>> all, Hope has a treaty and Kerstin has two to her names."
MIKE: [as T'Gwen] Thank God there were no trained diplomats or
experienced officers available.
>> "Yeah but diplomacy makes dealing with Maquis taking over your
>> ship positively look easy," Picard replied. "Until you get them
>> confined that is.
CROW: Yeah, sure, I know what you... *huh*?! What blue sky did *that*
remark come out of?
TOM: I think that was Ratliff's idea of a witty segue.
MIKE: [as Marrissa] Gee, I'm sorry, was I bragging about my
accomplishments again and putting off talking about something
important? Oh well ... that'll happen!
>> Now poor Kerstin is having trouble getting help.
TOM: [as Marrissa] Her insurance won't pay for counseling.
>> Admiral Ellis just refused to send any."
>> "He did?" Washington stated. "That was not logical. CONN set a
>> course to the Roanoke, warp seven. Picard, have your fighters standing
>> by. If that young Captain of yours has managed to curtail the
>> activities of some Maquis, they logically would have called for help."
MIKE: It'd be the first logical thing to happen in this fanfic.
CROW: ... in *any* Ratliff fanfic.
>> "Kathy, you won't mind if I borrow your wing?" Marrissa asked.
MIKE: [as Marrissa] My fighter is missing one.
>> "Kerstin suggested that you'd be ready to decode her messages."
>> "I'll be ready," Kathy replied.
>> Marrissa nodded and tapped her communicator. "Attention all
>> Fighter Wings,
TOM: [as Marrissa] There's a blue-light special on all poopie suits in
Aisle 5!
>> red wing, blue wing, to launch status. Green wing, black
>> wing, to ready status. All other wings standby for deployment orders."
TOM: [as Luke Skywalker] Red Five standing by....
>> Closing the channel she continued. "With your permission Captain, I'll
>> go down to the fighter bay now."
>>
>> Ro Laren was not in good sprits.
MIKE: Her mast was shaky and her sails tattered.
CROW: [as Ratliff] The spellchecker did it! I knew that "sprit" was
a sailing term that had nothing to do with this story, but the
spellchecker threatened to kill my dog if I didn't go along with it!
TOM: [as Ro, depressed] Should have known I couldn't avoid being in a
Ratliff story forever....
>> She had lead the Maquis on
>> board the Roanoke, after gassing its crew. Ro knew of no way she could
>> have been blocked in her takeover of the starship.
CROW: [as Ro] It *must* be some cheesy plot device.... But what?
>> She knew about the
>> fact that the gas was ineffective on children. Could it be that the
>> children had command of the ship? No, she dismissed the thought. No
>> Captain would allow the children to have command level access.
MIKE: Yes, that's what any *mentally competent* person would think.
TOM: So Ro was the only person in the entire galaxy not to buy a copy
of Marrissa's biography?
>> And who
>> ever was fighting her off
ALL: Hi Keeba!
>> had to have that. Even with that Kid's Crew
>> regulation they passed just before she left Star Fleet.
>> The Roanoke had destroyed her ship, and all who remained aboard.
TOM: Ah, the joys of childhood. First day of school, first crush,
first taste of bloodlust and indiscriminate slaughter....
MIKE: And since this all happened off-camera, just take our word for it.
CROW: Actually, we should be thankful for that! We were spared another
excruciating Ratliff battle scene.
>> At least that wouldn't happen to any one else. Ro had ordered phaser
>> power conduits disconnected. It was now time to call for back up.
>> "Maquis Croatan to Marqui Defiance, help requested,"
CROW: My God, he can't even keep it consistent within *the same
friggin' sentence*!!!!!
>> Ro said over her
>> portable communications equipment. "I've been locked out."
TOM: [as Fred Flintstone] WIIIIIIIL - MAAAAAAAA !!!!!
MIKE: [as Ro] And I would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for
those meddling kids!
CROW: [as Defiance] Listen, we've got a lot of paperwork to do over
here ... call us back later!
>>
>> --
>> Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University.
>> srat...@runet.edu Marrissa Stories Author
>> homepage: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/
>> FAQ Maintainer for alt.startrek.creative FAQs/
>>
>> "Sticks and stones won't break my bones, so you could imagine how I
>> would feel about being called names."
>> - The Doctor, "Basics pt II" Star Trek Voyager.
>>
>>
>> From: srat...@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
>> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>> Subject: New DS9 Premier Maquis part 6
>> Date: 8 Oct 1996 14:15:05 GMT
>> Organization: Radford University
>> Lines: 100
>> Message-ID: <53dnl9$o...@newslink.runet.edu>
>> NNTP-Posting-Host: rucs2-gw.runet.edu
>> X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0]
>>
>> Premier Maqui
>> by Stephen Ratliff
>> A Marrissa Story
>> Stargazer Mission, DS9
>> part 6
>>
>> Chapter Five
>>
>> In classroom two on board the Roanoke, the panic had just begun
>> again.
MIKE: In viewing room one on board the Satellite of Love, the torture had
been going on for some time....
>> The temporary command center was experiencing another crisis.
MIKE: [as command center temp] Look, you've *got* to sign my time card!
>> "Multiple contacts coming out of warp," the boy taking care of sensors
>> announced. "A dozen Maquis raiders and one Intrepid class Starship, in
>> formation."
>> "Tactical, weapons status?" Kerstin asked.
CROW: [as tactical] Spitballs loaded and ready, sir!
>> "No power to phasers," a girl replied. "Torpedo launching
>> systems jammed."
>> "And no way to run either," Kerstin responded.
TOM: [singing] No where to run, baby ... no where to hide.
>> "ETA on the
>> Stargazer."
>> "Three minutes," a boy replied.
>> "Three minutes, we can do that," Kerstin smiled. "Tell me,
>> Ashaya, is the loading system still OK for the torpedoes?"
CROW: [as Ashaya] That's a rather personal question, isn't it?
>> "Yes, Kerstin," the tactical officer responded. "But what good
>> is that going to do?"
>> "Transporters are still on line aren't they?" Kerstin asked. A
>> boy responded with a nod. "Then we'll transport them. I just love
>> Tactics Monthly."
TOM: [as announcer reading headlines] "31 New Ways to Maim and Kill!"
CROW: [same] "New covert-action fashions for the 90's!"
MIKE: [same] "Does your enemy still respect you? Take this qwik quiz."
TOM: I don't suppose anybody thought of transporting the *Maquis
invaders* into space?
MIKE: Space? Why not just transport them into the brig?
TOM: No, Marrissa trained them too well: "Always choose the solution
that achieves the highest body count, because that's how we keep
score!"
>>
>> Eddington smiled as his fleet approached the drifting Roanoke.
>> It was just waiting for his forces.
MIKE: [as Eddington, smugly] God, I'm good.
>> He wondered why Ro hadn't been able
>> to take over the ship.
CROW: [as Wicked Witch of the West] These things must be done
deeeeeelicately.
>> She was one of the Maquis' most experienced
>> operatives, that's why she had been assigned the task of taking the
>> Nebula class starship. In any case, with the Maquis Defiance's support,
>> the Roanoke would soon be Maquis.
MIKE: [as Eddington] It's mine! Do you hear?! All mine!
>> "Incoming hail from the Roanoke," his operations officer
>> announced.
>> "On screen," Eddington responded, his Star Fleet training
>> evident.
CROW: Oh yeah, Starfleet people are the only ones who know how to put the
words "on" and "screen" together in that situation, right?
MIKE: Starfleet Academy drills them for *months* on that until they get
the proper technique honed to perfection.
>> All that training went out the window when Kerstin appeared on
>> screen. He muttered, "a child, a child."
TOM: My kingdom for a child!
>> "Yes a child," Kerstin replied.
CROW: [as Kerstin] There! I said it! I said it, and I'm proud!!!
>> "Kerstin Szustakowski, Kid's
>> Crew Captain, presently in command of the USS Roanoke. I suggest you
>> withdraw immediately."
MIKE: You know, sometimes I wonder if Ratliff is too subtle and too
infrequent in presenting the central thesis of his stories.
>> "Why? Ro informs me that your ship is currently disabled,"
TOM: Actually, the ship prefers to be called "differently abled".
>> Eddington responded, dryly. "You couldn't hurt a flea."
>> "Well I may not be Marrissa Picard,
MIKE: I'll grant you that, Kerstin, but right now it's kinda hard to
tell the difference!
>> but you'll find than no
>> Kid's Crew Captain has a bark worse than their bite, Mister," the young
>> girl replied.
CROW: [as Eddington] In that case, I think it's only appropriate to
say ... bite me!!!
>> "Roanoke out."
>>
>> In the classroom that was serving as the control center of the
>> Roanoke, Kerstin turned toward her tactical officer and said,
TOM: [as Kerstin] I have no idea what I'm doing! WE'RE ALL GOING TO
DIE!!!
>> "Ashaya,
>> transport one torpedo directly in front of the lead Maquis raider. Set
>> it to explode on impact."
>> On the classroom's view screen, a Maquis raider's nose was
>> obscured by the explosion.
CROW: Got your nose...!
>> When the blast cleared, half the ship was
>> gone.
CROW: [as used car salesman] We're having a *blowout* sale! Check out
this used Maquis ship! Half off!
MIKE & TOM: Booooooooooo!
>> It drifted aimlessly toward the Roanoke.
>> "Dusty," Kerstin ordered a boy at the rear of the classroom.
TOM: Ironic name there, Steve! 'Cause, see, the Maquis ship was
blown into dust, and ... heh ....
>> "Look for known Maquis with the name Ro. I want to know about our
>> opponent."
>> "Kerstin, shields have gone up on all remaining vessels," a boy
>> announced.
TOM: ... but soybeans are down one and a quarter.
>> "They should have had them up before," Ashaya responded.
CROW: [sarcastically] Ooooooh, are the Maquis just not as perfect as the
great Ashaya?
>> "Agreed," Kerstin replied. "Send another torpedo at that
>> half-destroyed ship, I don't want it drifting into us. Also that raider
>> at seventy mark eight looks a little weak.
MIKE: [as Kerstin] Give him a trial membership at Bally's Health Club.
>> Give him a torpedo in thirty
>> seconds."
TOM: [as Kerstin] There's no kill like overkill!
>> "Aye sir," Ashaya replied.
>> "Another vessel has arrived ...," a boy said. "... it's the
>> Stargazer."
CROW: [as boy, in monotone] Yay. We're saved.
>> On the bridge of the Stargazer, Captain T'Gwen Washington
>> surveyed the scene surrounding the Roanoke.
MIKE: [as Washington] Excuse me, Mr. Scene, would you like to take a
survey? How would you feel about a movie that showed George
Wendt eating beans?
>> A half destroyed hull blew
>> up as they watched. The remaining ships were beginning to surround
>> the Roanoke, the Intrepid class ship being on the other side from
>> the Stargazer.
CROW: This sentence being almost incomprehensible.
>> "Launch fighters," she ordered. "Ops status of the Roanoke,
>> CONN plot a course to bring us along side the Intrepid Class vessel.
MIKE: [as T'Gwen] Quartermaster, mints on pillows every day from now on.
>> Tactical fire on raiders as your phasers come to bear."
ALL: Teddy Ruxpin! NOOO!
>> "The Roanoke's warp and impluse engines are offline," Duvek
>> responded. "No power to phasers. Transporter activity indicates that
>> they are using transporters to launch torpedoes."
>> "Fascinating,"
CROW: That word looks *so* out of place in this story....
>> Washington responded. "Gusat, take the upper
>> warp pair. We are going to give who ever took the Fearless a chase.
>> Duvek, take the bridge, I'll be in the lower warp pair. Once we split,
MIKE: [as T'Gwen] ... the fighters will stay with each of us on
alternate weekends.
>> I want you to move to cover the top of the Roanoke. If you can,
>> transport security teams on board the Roanoke to clear out those Maquis.
>> Warp pair separation in one minute mark."
MIKE: [as Duvek] Yes, sir. But my name's "Duvek!"
>> The Captain and First Officer left the bridge of the Stargazer,
>> and Duvek settled into the command chair. "Rotate us 90 degrees onto
>> our port side. Set a course looping around the raiders terminating in
>> front and facing the Fearless at separation."
CROW: [Duvek] That way we'll be right in their sights just when we're
at our most vulnerable!
TOM: [as helmsman] Sir, before I set that course ... what the *HELL*
did you just say?!
MIKE: So, with that exciting cliffhanger, we reach the end of another
chapter!
>>
>> --
>> Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University.
>> srat...@runet.edu Marrissa Stories Author
TOM: ... speaking of cliffhangers....
[Mike and bots get up to leave theater.]
>> homepage: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/
>> FAQ Maintainer for alt.startrek.creative FAQs/
>>
>> "Sticks and stones won't break my bones, so you could imagine how I
>> would feel about being called names."
>> - The Doctor, "Basics pt II" Star Trek Voyager.
>>
[..1..]
[..2..]
[..3..]
[..4..]
[..5..]
[..6..]
[SOL control room]
MIKE: And now, it's my pleasure to present our musical tribute to
Stephen Ratliff --- creator of Marrissa, her Kid's Crew and other
related horrors. I have to take a few minutes to get into costume
for my song, so for the first musical number I'll just turn the
floor over to our very own Tom Servo....
[Mike sweeps his arms in Tom's direction, then exits stage left.]
TOM: Thank you, Mike. My tribute to today's experiment is adapted from
Johann Strauss' lovely opera, "Die Fliedermaus." *Ahem* The name
of the aria is "Premier Maquis." Cambot, whenever you're ready....
[Sung to the tune of "My Dear Marqui," a.k.a. "The Laughing Song."]
Premier Maquis
It seems to me
Should be thrown in the trash!
If I may advise
I would think it wise
To have it burnt to ash!
The story is lame and too long, ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!
The intro's absurd and just wrong, ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!
When Steve writes of the Kid's Crew,
Oh, the torment we go through!
A Corman film, you know,
Would not abuse us so!
A Corman film, you know,
Would not abuse us so!
Steve, you write abominably!
You owe us an apology!
What a painful ... ow! ow! ow!
Situation ... ow! ow! ow!
What a horrible ... ow! ow! ow!
Tribulation ... ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
What a painful ... ow! ow! ow!
Situation ... ow! ow! ow!
To see it scrolling on the screen!
[Mike returns to the SOL control room wearing the Star Trek:TNG uniform
from Laserblast, but with less padding at the chest. He is also wearing
the blond wig from his stint as Fabio. Crow and Tom scream in horror as
Mike enters and takes his place at front and center. He kneels behind
the console to simulate the height of the character whose role he is now
playing.]
MIKE: [as Marrissa] All right crew, listen up! My song is about the
only subject worth writing about --- ME! So shut up and give
me center stage! Cambot, load the tune, and ... ENGAGE!
[All Marrissa Wants]
[Sung to the tune of Alanis Morissette's "All I Really Want."]
Do I make you retch?
You watch as I make adults play dead and fetch
And you say how ridiculous.
But I wouldn't have it any other way.
I poured strawberry juice on Worf today
And I just love it.
And there I go again making the pros look just like fools,
Beating them at their own game.
I do just what I please and I can make up my own rules.
Who else could make the Borg Queen look tame?
And all I really want is some patience
With those who aren't as great as me.
And all I really want is adulations.
[Insert incomprehensible Alanis shriek here.]
Do I drive you insane?
You must wonder why I'm driven and spoiled and vain
And consumed by the need to command.
I love the captain's chair.
You can boss around lowly crewmen there,
And they jump to your every demand.
And I am happy making sure that my will is obeyed,
Beating up negotiators.
And many want to shut us down, but I am not afraid.
I make hash of Starfleet haters.
And no, I never want to be a grown-up,
'Cause maybe if I get that old
Then they wouldn't let me be so stuck-up.
[Insert incomprehensible Alanis shriek here.]
Enough about you, let's talk about me for a minute.
Enough about life, let's talk about me for a while.
The conquests, the adventures, and the sound of enemies
Falling all around... all around....
Why do you guys always make fun of me?
Here, can you handle this?
[Complete silence for ten seconds. During this time, Mike holds up a
picture of Marrissa holding a scepter while wearing royal robes and a
crown. Surrounding her is a group of beings from many races. There are
representatives from the Federation, the Klingon, Romulan and Cardassian
Empires, the Borg, and many others. They are all bowing to the floor in
front of Marrissa and they all have signs attached to their backs that
read: "We were beaten by a bunch of kids."]
Did I mention I'm the founder of the Kid's Crew
And the future queen of Essex too?
Did you know that I'm just getting started?
And you might say I'm just a bit ambitious for my age.
For me, things couldn't get much cooler!
And I will fight to keep my place at front and center stage...
If only I could rule the rulers!
And all I really want is fascination
With all the Fleet will let me do.
And all I really want is domination.
[Insert incomprehensible Alanis shriek here.]
And what I wouldn't give for more authority
To lord it over all I see!
And what I wouldn't give to reach divinity!
[Insert bone-grating Alanis banshee wail here.]
[As the music fades out, Mike removes his blond wig and stands up again.]
CROW: Mike ... there are no words to describe how disturbing that was.
But personally, I think that both of you are really giving Ratliff
too much of a hard time. I think he deserves some sympathy!
MIKE & TOM: Huh?!?
CROW: That's right! And on that note ... hit it, Cambot!
[Familiar sounding bongo drums play the intro as Crow sings this song
to the tune of the Rolling Stones' "Sympathy For The Devil."]
Please allow me to introduce myself;
A Comp Sci diploma is my goal.
I've been around for over twenty years,
Crushed many a man's mind and soul.
I hung around on a.s.c.,
Then I figured it was time for a change,
'Cause far too many of the characters
Were of post-adolescent age.
Pleased to meet you!
Hope you guessed my name!
But let me tell you how I
Rose to fanfic fame....
I watched an episode called "Disaster,"
Then created a disaster of my own!
I took the kids and gave them attitudes
And left them unchaperoned.
Then I made sure the Kid's Crew
Found enough plot holes to see them through!
Pleased to meet you!
Hope you guessed my name!
I posted "Enterprized," and things were
Never quite the same!
[Mike and Tom start singing "Woo woo!" at this point.]
Now Marrissa's such a pushy girl,
But I think she's really pretty keen!
If I have my way, she'll draw admiral's pay
At the ripe old age of sixteen.
Let me please introduce myself,
I'm a Comp Sci student by trade.
I'll pick a problem that adults can't solve,
And have Marrissa fix it right away!
Pleased to meet you!
Hope you guessed my name!
I try for epic tales, but my
Writing is so lame!
Yes, all my villains are idiots,
And all my heroes tots!
Hey, at this point, just call me Ratliff,
'Cause I'm in need of better plots!
So if you meet me, have some empathy,
Have some courtesy, and some tact!
It could be worse, just think what I could do
With a sitcom writing contract!
Pleased to meet you!
Hope you guessed my name!
Yes, Stephen Ratliff's my name, and
Verbal torture's my game!
[After a couple more "Woo woo!"s, cut to commercial sign with the
"Woo woo!"s and the music playing while the MST3K logo is on screen.]
===============================================