Mistied: Star Trek: A Royal Mess. (2/4)
Suzanne Schroeder
(Crow and Tom are the only ones in the room. They're reading Tiger Bot
and Melody Maker. They're half way paying attention to each other).
Tom: Hey, Crow.
Crow: Hey, what?
Tom: I was thinking.
Crow: Hard not to.
Tom: Not of the experiment, but the fact that everyone involved in Star
Trek is so famous for no reason. I mean, I want fame like that. Look at
James Dean. He made about two movies, and today you can still buy
posters of him.
Crow: Yeah, but James Dean died to get his fame. What have you done to
deserve yours?
Tom: Glad you asked.
Crow: (looks up) Huh?
Tom: I know this isn't as dramatic, but I thought about trying to bring
Sherwood-Schwarz out of retirement and giving me my own sitcom.
Crow: Them?
Tom: Yeah. Everything they touch is gold. First, I thought I might
start out in cable and build a following. I would then get a movie made,
but only after a couple of the cast members leave for greener pasteurs.
Crow: They'll be the ones who have to appear on Dick Clark's Rockin Eve!
Tom: (snickers) Yeah, they'll be the equivalent of the 5th Beatle!
Crow: Or, they'll have to appear on Circus of the Stars!
Joel: (walking in) Hey, what are you guys up to?
The bots: Nothing.
Joel: Yeah, right.
(Lights Flash)
All : Fanfic Sign!!!!
(6..5..4..3..2..1..)
>Chapter One
All: (applause)
Crow: Yes, folks, after the epilogue and prologue comes chapter one!
Next, we will be reading chapter 7.
> Commander William T. Riker was learning a lot about his
>Captain's adopted daughter while the Captain and Doctor were on their
>honeymoon.
Tom: (as Will) ..Say, is it tough ruling a planet with no name all by
your self?
Letıs discuss it over drinks. You know, Iım a captain. I can get us
into parts of this
ship that you had never imagined. Come look at my warp engines.
>The first thing he learnt was that it was impossible to
>keep up with her without the aid of a computer.
Joel: Itıs a good thing, too, because the ship is filled with dark woods
in which she could get lost in.
Tom: Yeah...huh?
> Marrissa's
>schedule was just that busy.
Crow: She was seeing this guy named Buttafuocco.
Tom: Yeah, heh heh, buttowipe-o.
> The next thing he learnt was that Marrissa
>had some form of strawberries at every meal.
Joel: You know, that *is* very interesting.
> Not that Marrissa didn't
>learn anything. She did learn how to cook and intended to show off that
>new-found skill when her father and the Doctor returned.
Crow: She is now :²The Nanny!²
Tom: This story wonıt be complete until she burns the dinner. I can
feel it.
>However,
>Commander Riker had not learn one very important thing. Never take a bet
>with Marrissa.
> "The name of the game is Find Home, Commander,"
Joel: Home plate? Alright!!
>Lieutenant Marrissa
>Picard said as she and Commander William T. Riker entered the Holodeck.
>"The game lasts about twenty minutes. The object is to find your base
>somewhere inside this asteroid field."
Crow: If you do, then you will be qualified to be a Domino's pizza
driver.
> "That simple, Lieutenant?" Commander Riker commented looking at
>the shuttles they were going to pilot. Marrissa's was named Sweet Success
>and Commander Rikers was named No Quarter.
Tom: His ship doesn't carry spare change after dark.
> "Of coarse it isn't that simple,"
Tom: Thereıs that phrase again. Does Ratliff mean that this game is
rough?
Crow: After all, it is coarse.
>Marrissa replied. "You must
>also avoid the enemies of the Federation, and I do mean enemies.
Joel: Network execs?
>You
>have no weapons, but other than that these are the best shuttles in the
>Federation. If you can beat me, then I will concede that you are a better
>pilot."
Crow: Whooppee! What a prize!
> As they examined their simulated shuttles, Commander Riker
>asked the thirteen year-old blond-haired adopted daughter of his Captain,
Tom: ...and then when she didn't answer, he asked Marrissa....
>"And if you win?"
> "Then I guess you will be taking CONN for next week,
Crow: KHAAAANNNN!!!!!!!
Joel: Wait, she said Conn.
Crow: Oooh. She hails from the land of Mr. B Natural.
Tom: She will awaken the musical spirit within Riker!
> while I
>catch up on paperwork," Marrissa replied.
> "And if you lose you will have my job for three days, while I
>take a vacation," Commander Riker replied.
Joel: Sounds like a theory on how Shatner got his command.
> "Don't make me want to lose, Commander," Marrissa smiled. "I
>accept the bet. Lets get going." Commander Riker and Marrissa shook
>hands.
All: (joybuzzers) Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!
Crow: (as Marrissa) Nyah nyah, I had my fingers crossed.
> The two shuttles paralleled each other into the asteroid field.
>Marrissa in Sweet Success immediately ducked behind the first asteroid.
Joel: Next, on "Space: Above and Below....."
>Commander Riker meanwhile took the direct approach. From behind another
>asteroid directly ahead, a Cardassian warship emerged and opened fire
>on Riker's No Quarter. No Quarter turned to the port and began evasive
>maneuvers.
Tom: Please, don't spare us any detail.
> The Cardassian ship persued No Quarter as Marrissa slipped by
>its rear. As Sweet Success ducked behind the asteroid were the Cardassian
>came from a Romulan Warbird decloaked. Rearing around Marrissa piloted
>her shuttle, after a quick and short 160 degree turn headed for a narrow
>gap in between asteroids.
Crow: Wow! This is just like Star Wars!
> Meanwhile back in No Quarter,
Tom: What the hell kind of name is that?
> Commander Riker had found that
>port was not the way to go as a Romulan decloaked directly ahead. Both
>the Romulan and the Cardassian opened fire. Commander Riker's No Quarter
>ducked behind an asteroid on the starboard side.
Crow: And as you know, if you duck behind an asteroid, you can't be seen
or killed.
>Meanwhile the
>Romulan and Cardassian ships blew up as a result of their attempt to
>destroy Riker.
Joel: They apparently got so angry, they exploded.
> As Commander Riker piloted around the asteroid, he spotted
>Marrissas Sweet Sucess shooting between two asteroids. A Romulan Warbird
>was attempting to follow. Unfortunately for the Warbird, the gap between
>the asteroids was closing and it was already to small. As the gap
Crow:...between David Letterman's teeth....
>closed further the Romulan Warbird was crushed between the two asteroids
>and exploded.
Tom: This is such a dissapointment. The enemy should at least be
equipped with evasion skills.
> Commander Riker however had paid too much attention to
>Marrissa's efforts and as he came around the asteroid, a Romulan warbird
>decloaked.
Joel: If Riker had called his psychic friend, he would have known that
the Warbird was declaoking.
>"Shit," he muttered and turned No Quarter to the starboard
>and around and between another asteroid.
Tom: Oh, and another question. Why the hell would you build a base in
the middle of an asteroid field? Everyone knows asteroids are always
bumping into each other.
Crow: Well, these asteroids are not co-dependents. They don't invade
each others space.
> Marrissa, meanwhile, exited the tight clump of asteroids she had
>escaped her first Romulan with, only to find another one directly to port.
>She turned to the starboard and another asteroid and pushed her shuttle
>to the limit.
All: Floor it! Gun it!
>The Romulan opened fire, but the Sweet Success nimbly
>avoided the disrupter bolts.
Joel: This is exactly why the Japanese are beating us. They build these
nimble and quick space ships while we are still building Merimacks with
no sense of aim.
>Commander Rikers No Quarter came
>out behind Marrissas second Romulan.
Tom: You know folks, it was like he was playing Mad Libs and posted the
results as this story.
>It cut across the rear of the
>vessel and in-between a pair of asteroids. Marrissa meanwhile began to
>plot a coarse around several asteroids in hopes of losing the persueing
>warbird.
Crow: Actually, I was thinking that this is like Austin traffic.
> Commander Riker meanwhile had run into the biggest trouble in
>the game.
Joel: A ship commanded by Eddie Murphy's entourage has decloaked.
>Directly ahead of him was the cube shaped vessel of the Borg.
Tom: The hell? The Borg don't assimilate individuals.
>A Borg cutting beam shot out at him.
Tom: Ah, so they were going to perform minor surgery on him.
>Riker avoided the beam.
Crow: ...and went straight for the Everclear.
>Noticing that an asteroid was on a collision coarse with the one to starboard,
>Riker set a coarse between the two,
Joel: He sent a rough between the two?!?!
Crow: Woohoo! That was number three!!!!
>hoping to do what Marrissa had done
>earlier with the Romulan. Riker moved between the asteroids. The Borg
>followed. The whole forward half of the Borg cube was sheared off as
>the asteroid continued it's unalterable coarse.
Tom: When the Cube sheared, Bjork took off on a solo career.
Crow: I can't believe the Federation once ran in terror from these
morons...
Joel: Why isn't anyone's sensers working?
Tom: Cheap imported crap!
> In the meantime, Marrissas Sweet Success was avoiding the
>Romulan.
Crow: She wasn't returning their phone calls.
>As it came around an new asteroid, a new ship came into view.
>It was a Jem'Hadar ship.
Joel: Now you're just making up people!
Crow: The Israelies are joining in the fun.
Joel: Is that a Hebrew word?
Crow: Hell if I know. Looks like it could be one.
>As it opened fire, Marrissa sent her shuttle
>on an upward coarse. The shot missed her by just a few
>centimeters and continued past the Sweet Success and into the Romulan
>ship. The shot only marred
Tom: Johnny Marred?
>the Romulan warbird. However it apparently
>enraged the Romulan Commander
Crow: Ooooh I'll harm you!
>and the Romulan and Jem'Hadar ships began
>fighting each other.
Tom: What did I say? Just let them kill each other off. Why are they
trying to make this so hard?
>Marrissa piloted her way away from them.
Joel: She would have made a great pilot at Pan Am.
> As she passed between two more asteroids, Marrissa spied the
>base she and Commander Riker were looking for.
Crow: Thank you for flying Delta...We'll be arriving at D/FW in a few
minutes. The Captain has turned on the fasten seat belt signs. Please
put up all articles and put your chair in an upright position....
>Commander Riker had also
>spotted the base, however he had another problem.
(Tom humming string base music)
Joel: Riker has a problem....
>A Jem'Hadar warship
>came up behind him and Commander Riker spotted him a little too late.
Crow: (as Jem'Hadar) Say, you're a pretty boy, ain't ya?
>The Jem'Hadar opened fire and No Quarter and Commander Riker were out of
>the game.
Tom: Gave over, man, Game over!
> Meanwhile, Marrissa had entered the base's shuttlebay and
>won the game.
Joel: Riker was scared because he was already behind with his bookie.
> As Commander Riker and Lieutenant Marrissa Picard exited the
>holodeck, the thirteen-year-old girl remarked, "I guess that you'll be
>at CONN
Tom: COOONNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>during Alpha Shift for the next week, Commander."
> "I still think you rigged the test," Riker replied.
> "The odds of me running into any ship was the same as yours
>were," Marrissa responded. "Except you forgot to look to see what was
>sneaking up from behind.
Crow: If he had spent a few years in a prison, he would have been better
skilled in that area.
>Do you really think that I knew where everything
>was?
>All 2048 asteroids, 32 Cardassains, 32 Romulans, 64 Jem'Hadar
>ships, 4 Renegade Klingons, a Base and a Borg Ship;
Joel: ..and a partridge in a pair tree.
Tom: Danny Bonaduce?
>all of the moving.
Crow: Try a Ryder rental truck next time.
>Really Commander, I may have a photographic memory
Tom: ...but my memory only takes instant film and they quit making
that....
>and an good grasp of
>tactics, but that is going a little too far. Don't make excuses, you
>lost fair and square."
> "You're right, but when can I have a rematch?" Commander Riker
>asked.
> "How about STARDATE 48751?" Marrissa inquired.
Joel: (as Riker) What? Yesterday?
> "I'll reserve a Holodeck," the First Officer replied.
> "Bridge to Commander Riker."
Tom: His bridge is talking? I've heard of people with fillings
receiving radio signals, but this....
> Commander Riker tapped his comm badge,
Tom: COOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!
Joel: Cut that out.
>"Riker here."
Crow: (Bridge) Where else would you be, sir?
> "Captain and Doctor Picard's shuttle is on approach."
Joel: (as Riker) Um, Oh poopie...Marrissa, can you hide that nose
ring? Oh, they're going to kill me.
> "We will meet them in Shuttlebay 2, Riker out," Commander Riker
>said. "Marrissa, let's see what your father and the Doctor have been up
>to this last week."
Tom: Hmm. A honeymoon? Maybe they have the video tape.
> Meanwhile back on the planet Essex, Lady Victoria was rushing
>back to the Palace on foot.
Crow: Did her car vanish?
>As she rushed though the trees
Joel: ...swinging from limb to limb...
>she thought,
>Maybe someone escaped. Maybe Aunt Princess Beatrice was out on her balcony
>stargazing and was thrown clear.
Tom: Yeah, that will help if it was a ten story fall.
>Maybe Cousin Edward, Earl Kenya was out
>with a girl in the bushes again.
Joel: These are definitely royals, alright.
> All her hopes were dashed as she came into the site of the
>Palace. The once proud home of the Royal Family of Essex was gone.
Crow: Wow. When they threaten to reposess something, they really mean
it.
>In
>its place stood a pile of blackened rubble nearly three time the area
>the Palace had covered.
Tom: Someone stole the palace and left a pile of rubble in its place!
>Not a single brick was attached to a brick that
>it had been attached to before the blast.
Joel: There was a mass divorce among the brick population.
>Orange flames still towered
>over the ruins and Lady Victorias hope fled. She slumped against a
>nearby tree and began sobbing.
Crow: (as Victoria) Oh, my poor cat. I'll never have another like him.
> A minute later, the Prime Minister arrived on the scence
Tom: Scene, or science? You make the call.
>from
>his residence accross the street from the Palace. The scence of
>distruction was enough to force him to look away.
Crow: Berg was so emotional about this scene that he could barely
proofread it through the tears....
Joel: Hey, don't make Berg pay for Ratliff's mistakes.
>As he did so he spied
>his sobbing girl friend, the Lady Victoria. He rushed to her side and
>asked, "What happened, Tory?"
Crow: Heh heh, he wanted to know Lady Victoria's Secret....
> "I don't know," Lady Victoria sobbed. "They were all in there;
>My Grandfather, the King; Uncle Stephen, the heir; cousin Edward, who
>always had the girls.
Joel: (Marrissa) The professor and Maryann...
>They where all in there."
Crow: It's time to call in John Goodman.
> "How did it happen, Tory?" the Prime Minister asked.
> "I don't know." Tory replied. "It started out so normally.
Tom: (Victoria) We were beating the crap out of each other.
>We
>were watching a holomovie and I was sent for more pizza, leaving them all
>behind. My Aunt Beatrice and her two daughters, Lady Mary and Lady Ann.
>I left them all behind."
Joel: "Vivid and in your prime/ You will leave me behind..."
> "Calm down Tory, Its not your fault," the Minister soothed.
Crow: "So, you lost your family. We'll buy you a new one."
> "Then whose fault is it?" Lady Victoria asked, suddenly becoming
>enraged. "My mother, my older brother and sister, Great Uncle Charles,
>Duke of Yorkshire, and all his children and grandchildren. Great Uncle
>Henry, Duke of Greenwich, all dead.
Tom: "The Queen is Dead."
>Whose fault is it?"
Crow: Hmm. My first guess is Beavis and Butthead were playing with
matches.
> The Prime Minister had no aswer, but one really wasn't needed
>for the present. He held his girl friend tight in his arms while she
>cried herself to sleep.
Joel: I wish I could sleep just anywhere like that.
>Chapter Two
Crow: Electric Boogaloo.
> Captain and Doctor Picard's shuttle was entering the bay as the
>senoir staff and Lieutenant Marrissa Picard, his adopted daughter assembled.
Joel: Who is this second daughter he keeps mentioning?
Tom: We'll have to start calling him Woody.
>The rear of the shuttle opened and the newlyweds exited, holding hands.
Crow: Apparently, the tourist shops were out of shrunken heads. They
were holding hands! Get it?
>Both of them were in uniform (Class B), however they appeared to have
>been put on hastily, as neither the rank pips nor the comm badges were
>straight.
Joel: Wow, that was some command meeting.
> As they approached the assembled group, Commander Riker said,
>"Welcome back, sir."
Tom: (as Riker) Oh thank you! Please take this brat you left me with.
> "Anything interesting happen while I was gone?" Captain Picard
>inquired.
Crow: (as Riker) I found out Marrissa eats strawberries.
> "Nothing much, sir," Commander Riker replied. "Unless you count
>Lieutenant Picards beating me in a piloting exercise on the Holodeck."
Tom: I don't remember the game taking that kinky a turn....
> "So she finally got the courage to go against the one person on
>board with a better piloting rating,"
Joel: Captain Hazelwood.
>Doctor Beverly Picard responded.
Crow: These Picards are multiplying like tribbles.
>"So Marrissa how badly did he lose?"
> "Not too badly," Marrissa replied. "If he had remembered to
>scan behind him he would have been a very close second.
Tom: "He came in third place which was really weird since there were
only two of us."
>However, since he
>did not a Jem'Hadar got him about ten kilometers from the base."
> "That's better than I did," Captain Jean-Luc Picard said. "A
>Romulan got me about two minutes into the game.
Joel: I know your crew takes comfort in that.
>I would like to find more
>time to participate in Marrissa's training simulations. They are always
>challenging."
Crow: Hmm. The challenge of Multimedia. That would make a great course
title at U.T.!
> "Thank you, Captain," Marrissa replied. "Which one are you
>thinking of trying again?"
Tom: No, let me guess. The shuttle game.
> "What and when are the next three," her father asked.
> "Kobayshi Maru, evaulated by Data, tomorrow during Beta Shift,"
>Marrissa replied. "Shayna Sachs
Crow: You mean, without Taye?
>and Alexander Roshenko are scheduled.
>Shuttle Tag two days from now 0900 Holodeck One.
Joel: ...and shuttle mud wrestling will begin at noon with
shuttle-mother-may-I scheduled after that......
>It will immediately be
>followed by Find Home II
Tom: ...the sequel to Homeward Bound....
>at 1200 hours, Holodeck Two."
> "Schedule me for Shuttle Tag, Marrissa," the Captain replied.
> With a smile, Commander Riker suggested, "Captain maybe you
>should put Marrissa in charge of shipwide training."
Crow: Hear! Hear!
> "Commander, I have enough paper work creating jobs,"
Joel: In the 24th century, we've wiped out hunger and poverty, yet we
still have bureaucracy.
>Marrissa
>responded. "Until someone gives me an office and a yeoman, please don't
>ask me to do anything that will increase my paper work.
Tom: Boy, you're really obsessed about this, aren't you?
Joel: (as Picard) You little generation X slacker. I could have made
you get a McJob.
>Between the
>reports that I have to file as Kids crew commanding officer,
Crow: You were in charge of the movie Kids?
>Kids
>Crew Fleet Supervisior, and Chief Helmsman and my homework for school
Tom: ..headlining at The Funny Bone, compiling an ad campaign, running a
planet with no name, eating strawberries, passing out flyers for the Dan
Qualye fan club....
>it's a wonder I get to the Bridge at all."
>
> Meanwhile on the Planet Essex, Lady Victoria woke up in a
>familar bedroom
Joel: Senator Packwood's.
>-- that of the Prime Minister of Essex.
Tom: Close enough.
>Sitting up
>against the pillows she observed the said minister sleeping in
>a nearby recliner. Hearing Victorias movement,
Crow: Hey! Tell her to shut the bathroom door next time!
>the Prime Minister
>awoke, yawning.
> "I keep ending up in your bed every time I meet you," Victoria
>commented.
Joel: He sounds like a regular Tyrone Slothrop.
> "Yes, you do seem to do that," Prime Minister William Lancaster
>replied.
Tom: So, she's in the house of Lancaster right now.
>"There was that time during my fathers ministry when you where
>16 and had just had your first taste of real alcohol."
Crow: ...and you're first real taste of blood....
> "Then there was that time, when you got elected Prime Minister
>suceeding your father at the tender age of 23,"
Tom: He then threw his dad out when he didn't want to live with the new
rules.
>Victoria remembered.
Joel: She and her family were watching the battle with their
binoculars.
>"I still can't fingure out how I tripped and broke my leg like that."
> "Then there was that Romulan Diplomatic Party we entertained on
>thier way to Earth last week," William Lancaster continued. "You
>apparently thought Romulan ale wouldn't get you drunk.
Crow: (as frat boy) Yeah, I didn't put a lot of alcohol in it. It's
okay. I'll watch ya if you start to stumble.
>Then, your
>Majesty ..."
> "Your Majesty! I'm not even a Princess, so don't call me that,"
>Victoria responded.
Joel: Say, are those JAP jeans you're wearing?
> "I beg your pardon, but how should the Prime Minister of Essex
>address his Queen?" William asked.
Tom: Uh, "I saw those nudie pictures of your daughter-in law?" No! D'oh!
Crow: "I wish I had your parenting skills." Oh, sorry..sorry...
Tom: "Can you explain Prince Charles' looks?"
Joel: OK. That's enough.
> "Queen, you mean last night wasn't some hideous nightmare?"
Tom: (Lancaster)Yes. It's true, your majesty, Alan Thicke's show was
renewed.
>Queen Victoria said, beginning to return to last night's tears.
> "A nightmare it was, but real none the less," William replied.
>handing his Queen a tissue.
Joel: Yeah, and you kind of wonder where the hell the press is....
Crow: They're digging through the rubble looking for survivors to
interview.
> "Did anyone survive?" Victoria asked, tearfully.
Tom: "No, and the topless bars down the street are starting to suffer
from lack of business."
> "No, you are the sole surviving member of the Royal family of
>Essex on Essex,"
Crow: ..."So, by default, you are our new Monarch!"
Others: (Making crowd cheering noises).
>Prime Minister William Lancaster informed his Queen
>gravely.
Joel: Peter Gravely?
> "Who did this?" she questioned.
> "We may never know," the Prime Minister replied honestly. "Our
>Police force is simply not able to deal with such a crime."
Tom: (Lancaster) They'll run a segment in 'Crime Stoppers' next week and
see if anyone calls.
> "What about Starfleet?" Queen Victoria asked.
> "Starfleet?" Minister Lancaster replied, puzzled.
> "We are a member of the United Federation of Planets," Queen
>Victora pointed out. "Surely as the main protector of the Federation,
Joel: " ...and defender of the Kolaces....."
>Starfleet would want to help find out who killed the Head of State
>of one of its members."
Crow: (Lancaster) Well, no, you see, we forgot to pay our club dues.
> "Excellent idea, Your Majesty," the Prime Minister replied.
Joel: (Victoria) Of Course it's an excellent idea! Quit kissing up!
> "Merely execising one of my rights as a constitional monarch,
>Bill," Victoria replied. "Let's see, I've been consulted, I've advised,
Crow: (Marrissa) Now, I know exactly what hair cut I will get.
>oh what the heck, Let's do all three on my first day on the job.
Tom: She's done more in one afternoon than her ancestors have done in 50
years.
>Mister Lancaster, I must warn you that if you ever call me Your
>Majesty, my Queen, Queen Victoria, or anything of the like, I will have
>your head."
Joel: (Lancaster) Saaay....
> At the Queen's fierce expression the Prime Minister gulped
>involuntary.
Crow: ...and after he did that, he gulped involuntarily...
> On the starship Independence, Captain Morris was surprised.
Tom: Ten forward was having a special happy hour and was delivering
beers to bridge.
>She
>expected the Romulan,
Crow: Well, she could have prevented the whole thing if she was
expecting him!
>but the other race was a mystery to her. "What are
>you doing on my ship?" she said quite calmly for a Captain in her situation.
> "Quite simple, Captain," the Romulan said. "We are taking
>control. We already have Engineering and several other areas of the
>ship. The Bridge was the next step.
Tom: (Romulan) Oh, and here's the rest of our plan.... Wait, you're not
paying attention... I'll tell you where our weaknesses are.... You're
ruining it for me!
>Now if you will follow my black
>friend here,
Joel: *ahem* You're african-american friend....
>I believe you are about to move to new accommodations on
>deck 10."
Tom: (Romulan) You'll really like it there. We installed a jacuzzi in
the rec area while we invaded Engineering.
> Back on the Enterprise NCC-1701-E, Marrissa was showing her
>adopted father and his new wife where everything had moved to when the
>quarters had been expanded to make room for Doctor Beverly Picard.
Crow: Man, did she get huge, or what?
>"Your bedroom and bathroom are though this door,
Tom: (Picard) Marrissa and I will get this room over here.
>Captain and Doctor."
Tom: Oh.
>Marrissa said. "The new book shelf you requested is on the right side
>of the door. You'll notice that the desk has been replace with a larger
>one.
Joel: (Marrissa) By the way, I bought the entire collection of
Time/Life Home Repair books while you were gone.
>Some workman shattered the old one and it had to be replace so I
>got something a little larger since it will problely be used a little
>more.
Crow: So, that's where Bob Villa's been!
>My quarters and bathroom are through the other door. Notice the
>viewscreen on the wall near my door and the cooking surface below it.
>I will be cooking breakfast tomarrow so please get up before 0900 hours."
Tom: (Marrissa) Sometimes the smoke detector goes on the fritz and I
want to give you a head start.
> "Marrissa Amber Picard, what makes you think that we won't be up
>by then?" Captain Picard asked.
Suzanne: Oh. You people are just like my roommate. They'll probably
wake her up slamming doors and talking with their goofy brothers on the
phone. Why the hell don't you people sleep in after 7 in the morning for
once in your life for crying out loud?!?!
Tom: Wait, how'd you get in here?
Suzanne: Oops. Um, pay no attention to the person behind the curtain...
> "Perhaps the fact that all three newlyweds I have had in my
>department since I took command have arrived for duty an average of 3
>hours late on their first day back," Marrissa replied.
Crow: Yeah, once you're married, you forget how to set an alarm clock.
> "I didn't know you could cook, Marrissa," Doctor Beverly Picard
>commented.
Joel: It's not that difficult. Just stick the tray in the oven and set
it for defrost.
> "Commander Riker taught me while you were on your honeymoon,"
>Marrissa said. "He says I now make the best pancakes on the ship."
Crow: And he should know since he was judge at the annual ship food fair.
> "Bridge to Captain Picard," Data's voice said.
Tom: Wow. Everyone's dental work is active in this story.
> "Go ahead, Data," Captain Picard replied.
> "Incoming communication from Admiral Tpurroc
Joel: ...Shakkur...
>of Starfleet
>Security," Data replied.
> "Pipe down to my new large viewscreen,"
Tom: The viewscreen must have sensitive hearing.
>Captain Picard
>responded. Admiral Yrev Tpurroc apppeared on the viewscreen.
Crow: He was joined by his assistant Snoop Doggy Dog.
>He was
>from a cat-like species and had jet black fur. He wore the typical
>yellow starfleet security uniform with Vice Admirals pips.
Joel: It was a sexy little number that made him popular with his command.
>Behind him
>his office had obvously not been his for long as the office was
>decorated in feathers.
Tom: What does that have to do with anything???!!!!
Joel: Maybe he decorates his office with furballs.
> "Captain Picard," Admiral Tpurroc began,
Crow: (Tpurroc. singing) Was down with his gang in the crib with
.44s.......
>"I sure you will be
>glad to hear that your charting mission has been cut short.
Tom: He was charting hits for Billboard?
> A
>Federation planet has requested immediate assistance in investigating
>the bombing of its Royal Palace which resulted in the death of its
>head of state.
Crow: (Tporroc) There were others, but it isnıt very important.....
>You are ordered to proceed at once to the Planet Essex
>and assist them in what ever they need."
Tom: (Tporroc) You need to give your crew the necessary equipment to
enter the palace compounds like money for the cover charge.
> "Correct me if I'm wrong but isn't this a job for the Federation
>Bureau of Investagation?" Captain Picard asked.
Joel: Yes! Bring in Mulder and Scully! Cross over story! That would
be great!
> "Normally, yes it would,"
Crow: Ratliff shoots......and he misses! Oh, and he was wide open, too!
>Admiral Tpurroc replied. "However,
>they can not get anyone there for at least another week so the Director
>of the FBI, Colin Khristen asked me to find a nearby starship to do the
>job.
Joel: They have to give Cancerman a chance to get to the scene first.
>He wanted it to be just until his officers could get there, but I
>told him that if Starfleet starts an investigation, Starfleet finishes it
>as well, being a former starship captain, he agreed."
Tom: You know, thereıs not much of a need for the F.B.I. if theyıre in
such a poor location.
Crow: Yeah, maybe they need to expand it into a franchise.
> "What are our orders?" Captain Picard asked.
Joel: (Tporroc) I just told you, you nit wit.
> "You are to precede to the Planent Essex in the Angle System and
>investigate the bombing of the Royal Palace, with all due haste,"
Tom: Because haste makes waste, except in this case.
>Tpurroc ordered. "You will be in complete control of the investigation.
>In addition, Captain, you are to assist the Government of Essex in
>locating a heirs to the throne
Crow: A heirs? Well, which one is it?
> as this bomb killed all but one of the
>known members of Royal Family of Essex.
Joel: (Picard) You know, it seems pretty cut and dried....
> Any additional help they need
>you may see to at your discretion."
> "Thank you, Admiral," Jean-Luc Picard replied. "Will that be
>all?"
Tom: (Tporroc) Thatıs it, except bring plenty of protection and always
have a designated driver.
> "No, Captain, Admiral Necheyev would like a few words, Admiral,"
>Tpurroc said.
> Admiral Necheyev appeared on screen, her blond hair done up in
>it's usual loose bun.
Joel: She should experiment with it being in a croissant.
>"Captain Picard, you are the senior-most captain
>in the fleet and we at Starfleet Command have been trying to find
>something to do about it," she said.
Tom: (Necheyev) Weıve finally convinced your teachers to let you pass
English and to graduate this year.
> "You will never get me out of the center seat," Captain Picard
>said.
> "Perhaps, but we don't want to anyway,"
Crow: (Necheyev) You will remain a fry cook for the rest of your life.
> the Admiral replied.
>"Starfleet Command recently recieved a suggestion which solved the
>problem of not promoting a man who has been in that center seat for
>almost 30 years."
Joel: Retirement?
> "And what would that be?"
> "Someone asked why the Federation Flagship didn't have a Flag
>officer in command of it. So we are rectifing that effective about five
>minutes ago, Jean-Luc Picard, as commanding officer of the starship
>Enterprise,
Crow: (Necheyev) ...and guardian of the Enterprise FAQ....
>you are hearby promoted to Rear Admiral.
Tom: Oh, he feels like such an ass as it is.
>As such you are
>now the acting commanding officer of any sector in which no one has
>equal or better rank which you are in.
Crow: (Necheyev) If there is someone of equal rank, then you have to
mud wrestle for it.
>Congratuations,
All: Yay.
>Starfleet Out."
> "Marrissa, would you be the 'someone' who put that idea in
>Starfleets bonnet?" Jean-Luc Picard asked.
Tom: You know, I can write a sonnet about that bonnet.
> "Whatever gave you that idea, Dad?" Marrissa replied, trying to
>hide a grin.
> "I just had a feeling, and I see I was right," Admiral Jean-Luc
>Picard said. "Captain, I mean Admiral Picard to the Bridge."
Joel: (Picard) Wait, dammit, why am I ordering myself to the bridge?
> "Data here."
> "Set a course for the planet Essex, warp 8," Admiral Picard
>said. "Inform the senior staff that there will be a mission briefing in 20
>minutes."
Crow: (Picard) Itıs BYOB this time.
> "Commander Riker is changing course now," Data answered.
>"Bridge out."
> "Riker at CONN,
Tom: COOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>Marrissa how in the world did you get him to
>take CONN?"
Tom: COOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Joel: Stop.
> Admiral Picard inquired.
> "He lost a bet," Marrissa responded.
Joel: (Marrissa) Yeah, I bet him that I could out act him.
> "I'm curious, Marrissa," her father inquired, "what would have
>happened if he won."
> "The Commander would be on a three day vacation and I would have
>his duty schedule,"
Crow: (Picard) Yeah, well you know where his mop buckets are, but stay
away from his stack of magazines in the basement. A little advice if you
did lose.
>Marrissa said. "To tell the truth I would have won even
>if he won."
Joel: Itıs great that we can all be winners!
> "That's the truth," the Captain's new wife responded.
Tom: Oh, weıve gotta go, guys.