REPOST: MSTING-Tonya Harding Video Offer
BERTMARCH
(The SOL-Season 6. A Golden Age lost in the mists of Time)
(M&TB are standing at the desk, looking as glum as glum can be. Except for
Crow, who seems rather chipper.)
MIKE: Oh, hi everybody. Mike Nelson on the Satellite of Love. Things have been
really rough lately.
TOM: Those Mad Scientists have been brutal lately. A whole string of really
awful movies.
CROW: Awful, awful movies.
MIKE(hoarsely): Gummo.
TOM(as if he were about to cry): Kicked in the Head.
CROW(surpirsingly chipper): A Smile Like Yours.
TOM(sniffling): Almost the entire body of work of Gregg Araki.
MIKE(dully): And the film version of American Buffalo. It almost makes one
nostalgic for movies like 'The Atomic Brain' or even 'Wild World of Batwoman'.
TOM:(dully)Normally, Mike, I would raise a strong objection to that but I must
agree.
CROW(again, chipper): Me too.
TOM:(indignant) Oh, like you were any help. When we were suffering under the
Kinnear onslaught of 'A Smile Like Yours', you kept making lewd comments about
Lauren Holly.
MIKE(dully): And let's face it, you just lost control during those scenes in
Araki's 'Nowhere'.
TOM(huffy): I think you're enjoying the chance to be naughty, C3PO. Even as we
suffer...how could you?
CROW(huffier): Bite me. I found something to get me through. Too bad if you
don't like it!
TOM: Well, I don't like it! So IT IS TOO BAD FOR YOU, PINKBOY!
MIKE: I'd try to break you too up, but I'm just to depressed.
(The 'bots fight. Commercial sign.)
(Commercials for psychic phone lines. Has-beens humiliate themselves for
nickles as spokespeople.)
(o/` Back in the S-O-O, Back in the S-O-O, Back in the S-O-O-Lllllll o/`)
(Tom is lying on his back, crying. Crow is looking smug. Mike is drinking
coffee and seems a bit more alert.)
CROW: Well, too bad you were too depressed to really fight me, Tommy Boy. Maybe
next time. (Starts whistling 'We Are The Champions')
TOM: Oh, leave me alone. (sniffle) I just had a 'Kissed' flashback.
MIKE: Ok, boys, Mack Bolan and Able Team are calling.
(Deep 13-buried deep below the earth-the stench of evil pervades. Incompetent
evil, but evil nonetheless.)
(Dr. F is gloating, while Frank works the console.)
Dr. F: Well, Nelson. Glad to see you AREN'T feeling well. It was a stroke of
pure genius to expose you to the world of small, mostly-independent,
pretentious film. Nothing can drain the strength away like the vision of a
25-year old film-school graduate who thinks he knows it all. (sighs) But we
have something special for you today, Nelson. It may be the key to your
undoing.
(SOL. Of all the SOLs, it's the SOLest)
MIKE: Please say it's not another Araki film...oh please.
TOM: Pleasepleasepleaseplease...let it be Ed Wood, or Roger Corman...(sob)
CROW(acting chipper):Oh, go ahead, Doc. I can take it!
TOM: Crow, silencio!
(Deep 13, the deepest 13 you've ever seen)
Dr. F: Well, I was saving Araki's 'Totally F***ed Up' for today, but I found
the most intriguing sex spam.
Frank: We think it just drips evil, don't we, Steve?
Dr. F: But of course, Frank. But of course. So you're getting 'Tonya Harding
Wedding Night Sex Video Available!' Let the HURTING BEGIN, boobie! HAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(Back on The Big Rock Candy SOL...)
MIKE: We've got SEX SPAM SIGN!
MIKE AND TOM: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
CROW(lecherous): Oooh, sex spam. This could hold many bountiful possibilites.
Hee hee hee.
(Movie sign. Into the theater, our bold champions go.)
Subj: Tonya Harding Wedding Night Sex Video Available!
TOM: Hold on guys, this is going to be one bumpy-ass ride.
CROW: I don't know...it could be interesting, heh heh heh.
MIKE: Perv.
CROW(chipper): Different strokes for different folks, meatsack.
Date: 98-03-30 04:13:15 EST
From: fast...@altavista.net
MIKE: Welcome to 'Alta Vista', a Planned Community for Senior Citizens.
Attention!
TOM: Achtung baby!
Warning! Adults Only!
Warning! Adults Only!
MIKE:(unethusiastic)Ooh. La. La.
TOM: (same) Oh. Yes. Right. On. Momma.
CROW:(huffily) Neo-puritans.
If you are under 21 years of age,
MIKE: Or just have good taste and a sense of decency
or not interested in sexually
explicit material...
CROW:(giggles)Oh, gee. I'm not interested at all. (giggles some more)
TOM: Mike, can I hit him after we blast out of this pop stand?
please hit your keyboard delete button now
MIKE: If only we had one of those in here. (sigh)
and please excuse the intrusion.
TOM: There is NO excuse for the intrusion.
MIKE: Tell 'im, Mr. Servo! Let the bastards know it!
CROW: Quiet! I'm trying to get into my pre-arousal state!
TOM(coldly): Please, never use the words 'pre-arousal' around me again,
Goldenrod.
CROW:(whisper) Crybaby.
Removal instructions appear
at the end of this email.
MIKE: As for removing the the stain from your soul, well, sorry, can't help you
with that one.
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TOM: The hyphen, the sex-spammer's friend.
[NEW! Now Also Available TONYA HARDING [the Ice Skating Shame
of the Olympics]
MIKE: Isn't that a little harsh? All she did was have a thug attack some helium
voiced little twerp, and the resulting scandal is something annoying people
still refuse to shut up about.
CROW: You'd think some people would be a little considerate of the feelings of
ice-skating white trash.
WEDDING NIGHT VIDEO [See Details Below]!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------
TOM: So, those are details, huh? Never knew details looked like "----------".
Available NOW for only $9.95! Next 10 Days Only!
MIKE: Order now and we'll throw in the Decorative Potato Slicer absolutely
FREE! Operators are standing by!
TOM: Offer void in Oklahoma and Rhode Island.
The Uncensored Authentic Underground
MIKE: Oh, it's a video about the London subway system!
TOM: Oh, I hope.
CROW(dismissvely): Prudes.
PAMELA ANDERSON LEE & TOMMY LEE
SEX VIDEO TAPE!
CROW: Wait a minute...did I see what I thought I saw?
TOM: What's the matter, Crow? Getting cold feet?
CROW: NO! I'm fine. (sotto vocce) I starting to not feel so excited by this.
Warning! This video tape shows vivid scenes of oral sex and
TOM: And should not be ingested internally!
MIKE: Well Tom, I was mildly irritated a few seconds ago, but now I'm starting
to fell just the tiniest bit queasy.
TOM: Thank you, Mike. Nice to get feedback on my riffing.
sexual intercourse in living color and is offered to adults over 21
years of age only!
MIKE: In sex-spammer speak, 'adults over 21 years of age only' roughly
translates into 'we don't really care what your age is, just fork over the
dough into our grubby little paws.'
[Check out the March 1998 issue of Penthouse Magazine to see
uncensored stills from this video!]
TOM: And be sure to read the informative article about military base closures!
You have probably heard and/or read about this controversial video which Pamela
and Tommy claim was stolen from their Malibu home.
MIKE: Or heard Jay Leno beat the topic into the ground a few months back in his
monolouges.
They even sued Penthouse Magazine to prevent reprints from this video.
TOM: "How dare they try to publish it! It's our own secret homegrown porn!"
Pamela Anderson Lee,
MIKE: Rhodes scholar and Nobel candidate.
star of the hit TV show "Baywatch"
TOM: also known for featuring a certain fat lip-synching German music idol and
'Knight Rider' star.
and Playboy Magazine Cover Girl has been called the Sexiest Girl in the World!
Her famous tatooed husband Tommy Lee,
TOM: 'Her famous, tatooed, stringy, bony, grungy, wasted looking...'
MIKE: Is it really fair to make fun of peoples looks in order to ease our pain?
TOM: Any port in a storm, Mike.
is the drummer for the Rock Group "Motley Crew".
CROW: It is also important to mention that he sucks.
MIKE: (weary and resigned) Crow.
CROW: I meant drumming-wise, meat sack.
Together, they shot these explicit home movies for their private pleasure
never dreaming that they would be stolen and released for all to see.
TOM: Instead, they dreamed their secret shame would be carefully hidden away
from the prying eyes of a sick world.
CROW:(sobs) I'm just not as jazzed about this as I was earlier.
In this sizzling video, you'll see and hear Pam giving Tommy oral sex in their
car as they swerve recklessly down highway 15 towing a boat!
MIKE: See it on 'World's Most Nauseating Car Chases' on FOX!
TOM(as Tommy Lee): "Wee-hoo! Let's just swereve around will fornicating like
animals! Who cares about the safety of those mere mortals sharing the highway
with us!"
CROW: I'm going to have to agree with you guys, this is pretty bad.
TOM: Welcome back from the Dark Side, Brother Crow. The veil of deceit has been
lifted from your eyes.
MIKE: Praise the Lord.
You'll see and hear Pam and Tommy performing oral sex and having intercourse
TOM: "intercourse"? No need to get all clinical on us, Mr./Ms. Sex-spammer.
CROW(Martin Lawrence): "They was doin' the bumpity bump!"
MIKE(Austin Powers): "They were shagging like minks!"
TOM(Dr. Ruth): "Zey vere merely experimenting vif zere sexuality and explorink
each ozers erogenouns zones."
CROW: In a word, they were f...
MIKE: Crow...
CROW(Jerry Falwell):"...orinicating! Fornicating like the filth they are!"
on their private yacht on Lake Mead, near Las Vegas while they celebrate Pam's
birthday.
You'll see close-up's of Pam's famous breasts, nipples and vagina and see Pam
in the bathtub, swimming pool and much, much more!
CROW: Will we get to see any of her famous acting talent?
TOM: You mean like a display like 'Barb Wire'?
CROW: Sure! Hee hee.
TOM: Glad to see you've rejoined us.
This video is a genuine collectors item...
MIKE: If you're interested in collecting crap.
a real conversation piece...
TOM(Minnewegan housewife voice): Oh, Mildred, nice to have ya over! Would ya
like to see our copy of that Miss Pamela Lee porn tape?
CROW(Same): Oh, that's real good porn, donchaknow.
a great gift item for the right person
CROW: If you want that person to hate you for the rest of your life.
and will be a big hit at your next bacherlor party!
MIKE: And maybe even at your next 'bachelor' party as well!
CROW: Mike...aw forget it. They deserve a grammar flame.
It's also a big turn-on for a romantic two-some!
MIKE: All who are now thoroughly disgusted, say 'aye'.
ALL: Aye.
26 minutes of hot action sound and full color video!
TOM: If your looking for that, get yourself another video!
Others are charging $39.95 and more for this video!
MIKE: Which is a travesty! For this video is worth it's weight in...
CROW: ...bat guano.
Now for The Next 10 Days Only...you can own your own copy for only $9.95 plus
$3 shipping and handling [total $12.95] if you order NOW!
TOM:(tearfully, as if he's been told miraculous news) R-really? (sniffle) Oh,
I'm beside myself with joy! It's like my heart's desire is coming true!
CROW: Is that sarcasm, Tom?
TOM: You damn skippy it is.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------
TOM: Pretty little hyphens, all in a row.
NOW ALSO AVAILABLE!!! TONYA HARDING VIDEO -
The unedited Live Action Amateur Sex Video of the Nuptial
Antics of America's Infamous "BAD GIRL" Figure Skating
Queen and her one time Groom Jeff Gillooly engaging in
Oral Sex and Sexual Intercourse with plenty of good quality
close-ups!
(stunned silence from the peanut gallery. Tom starts quaking in his seat.)
TOM(stiffly)Must not let head...explode...only...a few...spares...left
MIKE: Must ignore...what I just...read...argh!
CROW: Easy boys! We made it this far, we're not going to flame out this late in
the game!
30 Minutes of Hot Action!
MIKE: 30 minutes of Hot action...they must mean 'Madox-01'!
TOM: Actually, 'Madox-01' is 48 minutes long...plus the five minutes of
Japanese Defense Force recruitment film/agitprop footage afterwards...
Only $9.95 plus $3
for Shipping and Handling.
CROW: $0.25 cents for your self-respect after you buy this.
Why Pay More?
MIKE: Why ask why?
TOM: Drink Bud Dry!
Your order will be shipped via
TOM: Fourteenth Class Rubbish.
First Class Mail.
TOM: Oh.
All Shipments in plain unmarked wrapper.
MIKE: All sense of good taste in a state limbo.
For Priority Mail - Add $5
For Overnight Express - add $15
CROW: For Delivery By Guy Wearing A Rocket Pack - Add $2500000
You can order by Phone, Fax or Mail or Email.
TOM: Email Estevez?
We accept all Major Credit Cards and checks by phone or fax.
Visa - MasterCard - American Express - Discover
MIKE: Diner's Club, PBS Pledgecard, whatever. Just so as we get our hand on the
green.
10 Day Money Back Guarantee! We know that you will be pleased with this Video!
TOM: LIES! ALL LIES!
Send email to our special email address below:
CROW: evilsex...@ninthcircleofhell.com
[Note: If you order by email and do not receive an email acknowledgement within
24 hours, please phone our office at
718-287-3800]
MIKE: Even though by we'll have cleaned out our office because the Feds got
wind of our little scheme.
Phone our office 9am to 10 pm [eastern standard time]
[718] 287-3800 to Order By Phone for FASTEST SERVICE!
TOM: We'll make sure that you end up on hold for many hours listening to Muzak
versions of songs like 'Eye of the Tiger' even quicker than usual!
We can accept your credit card or check by phone
Fax Your Order 24 hours per day to [718] 462-5920
You can fax your credit card information or your check
CROW: and kiss your money good bye! So long suckers, we're hauling ass for
Tahiti!
Order by mail by sending $12.95 per video, cash, check, money order or major
credit card [Visa, MasterCard, American Express or Discover] to
TCPS, INC.
MIKE: Truly Coarse and filthy Porno Services?
CROW: The Crap Provider Services?
4718 18th Ave. Suite 135
Brooklyn, NY 11204
Make Checks & Money Orders Payable to TCPS, Inc.
New York State Residents Please Add 85 cents for Sales Tax per Video!
TOM: We just want to get all we can from you poor saps before we run off to a
non-extradition country!
You must be over 21 years of age to order and give us your date of birth with
your order!
MIKE: Though we really don't care.
The Following Order Form is for Your Convenience!
TOM: Oh, even more wicked lies, villian!
CROW: Bawdy, bloody villian!
MIKE: Sex spams most foul.
..........................................................................
...................................
CROW: I'm so happy they've upgraded from hyphens to dots.
TOM(stupid voice): Duh, pretty.
Please ship me the following video tape[s]!
#____________Pamela & Tommy Lee Sex Video Tape
#____________Tonya Harding Wedding Night Sex Video Tape
TOM: "#__________ Red Zone Cuba/I Accuse My Parents/The Atomic Brain Gift Pack"
MIKE: I never fail to be surprised at how many symbols you 'bots can pronounce.
CROW: It's a gift, Mikey-boy.
at $9.95 each plus $3.00 for shipping and handling per tape
[$12.95 per video or $25.90 for both]
Credit Card #______________________________Exp Date___
I hereby represent that I am over 21 years of age.
CROW(nerdy teen voice) See, I even have I.D. that IS NOT FAKE and...and
everything!
My date of birth is_________________________________
MIKE: "..over 500 years ago in Scotland. My name is Connor MacLeod. I am an
Immortal and cannot die'.
Signature______________________________________________
Ship to: Name_______________________________________
TOM: My name? Puddin' Tame. Ask me again and I'll tell ya the same.
Address____________________________________________
MIKE: Address me as 'Your Highness'. It is only proper Palace protocol, after
all.
City________________________State___________Zip________
Area Code and Home Phone [ ]___________________________
TOM: 1-512-55LOSER
Fax #
CROW(Joe Friday) Just the Fax ma'am. We're working on the Sex-spammer case and
need to ask you a few questions.
[ ]_______________________________
Email Address___________________________________________
To remove your name from our mailing list, send us an email with
remove in the subject line. This is a one time offer and you should not hear
from us again!
MIKE: If there is goodness in the universe...
FOREIGN ORDERS -Add $15us if you desire Air Parcel Post Shipment. We ship all
over the world.
TOM: And the world thanks you, Mr./Ms. Sex-spammer.
CROW: From the bottom of our lower intestines.
TOM: OK, time to roll.
(They leave the confines of the theater, with a certain spring in their step.)
(Satellite of Love. Where a young man's thoughts turn to romance in the
summer.)
(M&tB seem more cheerful than they before the experiment)
MIKE: Well, we actually came out of that experience stronger!
TOM: We managed to put aside our differences and rise above the hideous drek
upon the screen!
CROW: I can whistle 'We Are the Champions' and feel chipper guiltlessly now! I
no longer feel awful about getting by on naughty quips! I am a changed 'bot! I
will celebrate Christmas in my heart!(to no one in particular offstage) You,
boy, what day is it?(snaps out of it) Sorry.
MIKE: No reason to be sorry buddy. We have triumphed yet again. What should
have broken us, has only made us stronger and more united! Tis truly a time for
jubilation! I'm going to break out the RC Cola and Sno-balls later today!
ALL: WOOHOOO!
(They start signing 'We Are The Champions', loudly and with feeling. Mike puts
his arms on the bot's shoulders[if they had shoulders] and they start to sway
back and forth, like performers during the recording of 'We Are the World')
(Down down down in Deep Thirteen.)
(Dr. F is livid, while Frank continues fooling with the console.)
Dr. F: Don't feel so cocky now, Mister! I ordered a copy of 'She's the One' and
it should be coming today. Soon, prepare to eat white hot Ed Burns!
(A postman carrying a package enters from stage right. He carries a package and
a clipboard.)
Postman: 'Scuse me. 'S there a Dr. Clayton Forrestor here?
Dr. F: Yes! Here, my good man, let me take that off your hands.
(Signs the postman's clipboard, grabs the package, which is in...a plain brown
paper wrapper.)
(Postman leaves, while the Doc tears open the wrapping.)
DR. F: And let me see, what have we...'Tonya Harding's Wedding Night'?
B-b-b-but, I never ordered this...I...
(Frank suddenly becomes really interested in the ceiling.)
(Dr. F glares daggers at Frank)
Dr. F: Well, untill next time...Push the button Frank. Then we'll have us a
little lecture on 'Not Using Dr. Forrestor's MasterCard'. And we'll use Mr.
Cattle Prod as an educational aid.(goes over to a locker and starts rummaging
around in it)
Frank:(pleading, really fast)I was just getting it for a 'bacherlor'
party...You know Jimmy, the manager of the Big G Burger joint up topside? Well,
some of us lower-echelon guys here at the Institute decided to throw him a
party cause he's getting married Friday
and he really does a good job of running the burger place and we needed some
entertainment and...Steve, what are you getting out of...NO!
(Fade to black. We hear a humming noise, as if a device was powering up.)
Dr. F: Now, you see, Frank, there's a little thing called 'credit'...
(ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!!!)
Dr. F: Frank, try not to jolt around so much...
FINIS
MST3K is the property of Best Brains, Inc. 's not mine, none of the characters
are mine and never will be.
This sex spam...whoever it belongs to can keep it.
-------------
"Carnation Milk is the best in the land
Here I sit with a can in my hand
No tits to pull, no hay to pitch
You just punch a hole in the son of a bitch."
-Anon., circa 1900.