MiSTed: Stolen Memories (29/29)
Rottweiler
CROW: Mike, I've been wondering something.
MIKE: What's that, Crow?
CROW: Well, we never learn what Julian's dad was doing on Felistia. Why
would an ambassador be sent there?
MIKE: I think I have a pretty good idea.
CROW: You do?
MIKE: Yeah. Diplomatic missions are all pretty much the same.
(The music from "The Candy Man" begins to play)
MIKE: Who can meet some aliens who'd like to kill you
And placate the scum with a treaty or two?
Julian's dad, Julian's dad can.
Julian's dad can 'cause he tells them lots of lies
And makes peace look good.
Who can meet some aliens who want to see us die
And make sure they don't come and swat us like a fly?
Julian's dad, Julian's dad can.
Julian's dad can 'cause he tells them lots of lies
And makes peace look good.
Julian's dad makes humans seem like snakes,
Lying and malicious,
For peace is all that he wishes,
So we don't sleep with the fishes.
Who can tell lies that bring no sorrow and hardly seem mean,
Ones that let us live to see tomorrow and stay in the galactic
scene?
Julian's dad, Julian's dad can.
Julian's dad can 'cause he tells them lots of lies,
And makes peace look good.
And peace looks good,
'Cause humanity thinks it should...
(The music stops)
MIKE: Does that answer your question?
CROW: It sure does, Mike.
(Lights flash, sirens blare, movie sign pandemonium)
TOM: Fanfic sign!
[Dog Bone]
[Door 6]
[Door 5]
[Door 4]
[Door 3]
[Door 2]
[Door 1]
[SOL Theater. MIKE and the BOTS enter and take their seats.]
>
> ***************************************
>
> Alis watched her smiling mother approach, and before
> her mother could launch into her congratulations,
CROW: The fanfic ended early, much to the relief of a temp and his two
robot pals.
> Alis
> wiped the smile off her face,
TOM: (Sergeant) Wipe that smile of your face, cadet!
> by first inquiring about
> Julian's condition,
MIKE: (Matriarch) Uh, he's fine. He has life insurance, right?
> and then demanding that he be given the
> very best of treatment - as befitted her consort.
CROW: (Alis) No more of that generic litter for his litter box. I
demand
Fresh Step!
> The Prime Matriarch's fur stood on end
TOM: She'd never recovered from french kissing that light socket.
> as her daughter
> outlined exactly how she expected her consort to be
> treated,
MIKE: She had never realized that her daughter was such a stirring
orator.
> and then before the Prime Matriarch could even
> begin to gather her shocked wits together Alis produced a
> scroll.
CROW: It proclaims the Wicked Witch of the East to officially be dead.
> "The First Mother herself gave this to me, Mother, it
> is an uncorrupted copy of her laws.
TOM: (Alis) Be careful not to smudge it.
> Before you tell me what
> I demand is against all law and tradition - I suggest you
> read it - and remember this.
MIKE: (Casey Kasem) Remember to keep your feet on the ground and keep
reaching for the stars.
> The Goddess herself gave me
> these laws - She will no longer let you and others
> perpetuate the atrocities committed against sentient men."
CROW: (Alis) John Tesh, however, is fair game.
> The Prime Matriarch left the infirmary shocked into
> speechless all other thought driven away by her daughters
> words.
TOM: (Matriarch) I guess this means no more using sentient men as
hammocks.
>
> ***********************************
>
> By night fall the Prime Matriarch had read and reread
> the First Mothers uncorrupted laws,
MIKE: And submitted her review to the New York Times.
> and compared them to
> the laws as they stood, twice over.
CROW: (falsetto) There's not a word in here about eminent domain!
> She thought of her
> beloved Alistair, Alis' father.
TOM: She thought about the adorable way he belched at the dinner table.
> If she gave his precious
> daughter the permission she'd requested, to bring these
> uncorrupted laws of the First Mother to the attention of
> the council, and shoved it down their throats,
MIKE: They'd gag.
> as her first
> act as the Prime Heir - then at last she could be with her
> Beloved Alistair - in the same way their Precious daughter
> wished to be with her beloved Julian.
CROW: This story takes place in the era of "Separate and not even
pretending to be Equal".
> That he would be located was never in doubt as far as
> she was concerned, some clan sister had found him as much
> a delight to procreate with as she had.
TOM: Nine out of ten horny Felistians prefer Alistair for all their
procreating needs.
> Now, as her
> consort, there would be no need to confine their time
> together to those times when she could make time to visit
> the Harem and claim her procreational rights.
MIKE: Hey, procreation's not a right. It's a privilege, and don't you
forget it.
>
> These thoughts brought her mind back to her daughter's
> decision to make Julian her consort.
CROW: (falsetto) Was she on crack that day?
> The male's future was
> still in doubt.
TOM: (Julian) I don't need to go to college!
> The Matriarch was unsure what to do.
MIKE: (falsetto) Perhaps I should write to Dear Abby.
> If she
> did not inform his father, there would be no Medical
> treatment from those who knew how to treat a critical
> Terran male unlike her Medical staff, whose expertise was
> healing only the most minor injuries a Harem slave received
> in the course of his day.
CROW: And - breathe.
MIKE: They do love their run-on sentences, don't they?
> Those with major wounds were
> always simply left to die of their injuries.
TOM: Life under a socialist health care system.
> Then again, her people had stabilised him, though he
> was comatose and showed no sign of rousing from that state,
> there was the chance he would do so.
CROW: If he heard the ice cream truck driving by.
> If she told the manling's father of his plight, he was
> sure to take him
MIKE: To the carnival and buy him cotton candy.
> - leave this world with him, never to
> return, and then her precious daughter would lose her
> consort. That was to be avoided.
TOM: So was _Highlander II: The Quickening_.
> The decision was made, the manling's father would not
> be told that his son had been returned to the them or of
> his condition.
CROW: He also wouldn't be told that his Buick had been totalled.
> As far as he was concerned, the manling was
> dead. Why complicate the matter by telling him otherwise.
MIKE: Sure, the truth is out there, but who needs it?
>
> **************************************
>
> Ambassador Bashir fell to his knee's at Alis' beside
TOM: (Ambassador) Alis, will you marry me?
> and the tears he had held back burst forth in a storm of
> mixed emotions at the news of his sons rescue, his
> condition, how close he was to death.
> Alis watched him weep, then reached out to touch him.
CROW: Alis guest stars on _Touched by an Angel_.
> He looked up.
> "There is much we must discuss Ambassador," She
> announced.
MIKE: (Alis) Where do you think interest rates are headed?
> "My son, where is he, I must...
TOM: (Ambassador) GIVE ME BACK MY SON!
> "I will tell you where to find him, Ambassador, but
> first
CROW: A puppet show!
MIKE: Oh, for fun!
> - I must have your word, you will not leave this
> place before we have spoken on matters that require urgent
> discussion."
TOM: (Alis) Does this dress make me look fat?
> Though it was the very last thing he wanted to
> promise, he gave his word, desperation to see his son again
> bringing the words of agreement pouring from his lips.
CROW: As well as a veritable waterfall of drool.
> Alis
> told him where Julian would be found, and as he rose, she
> took hold of his wrist to stop him from bolting to find his
> son.
MIKE: (Alis) Not so fast, young ambassador. You haven't eaten all your
lima beans.
> "Ambassador, I am soon to be a mother."
> That stopped him dead, he didn't even attempt to pull
> away.
> "There has been no other man or manling for over a
> year prior to - or after Julian.
TOM: (singing) The only boy who ever nailed me was the son of a
diplomat.
MIKE: Bit of a stretch there, Tom.
> He is their father, and
> that is what we must discuss."
CROW: She has to explain the birds and the bees to him.
> This time when Julian's father gave his word to return
> to discuss things with her, he meant it and she didn't
> doubt that he'd return.
TOM: But just to be sure, she kept his car keys as collateral.
> He remained at the bedside.
> "Do you love him?" He asked her?
MIKE: Don't ask me, you guys are the authors.
> Alis understood what the Terran term love was now, and
> nodded.
CROW: (Ambassador) Feed his sheep.
> "My life would be.. empty without him and I would give
> up all that I have, my rank,
TOM: (Alis) I'm an Admiral on alt.starfleet.rpg, you know.
CROW: Tom, I thought you only made Captain.
TOM: Hey! Have you been reading my posts again?
CROW: I'm not telling.
MIKE: This has been a shameless plug for _Star Trek meets the Three
Little
Pigs_. Thank you.
> my people, my world to be with
> him always,
CROW: (singing) I love him, I love him, I love him,
And where he goes I'll follow, I'll follow, I'll
follow...
> as he has stated his willingness to do for
TOM: A klondike bar.
> me,
> many times," she replied with total honesty.
MIKE: As opposed to the partial honesty ambassadors are familiar with.
> A voice in her head reminded her of her duty and she
> looked away from the Ambassador who looked ready to begin
> a new storm of weeping.
CROW: A hurricane warning has been posted for Ambassador Bashir and
surrounding vicinities.
TOM: (Ambassador) I can't help it! Hallmark Hall of Fame movies always
make me cry!
> "But I have a duty to my people to preform before I
> can even contemplate such action,
MIKE: (Alis) I must check this fanfic for obvious spelling errors.
> and that is what we have
> to discuss, now, please go.
CROW: (Alis) We have urgent things that need to be discussed right now!
So
go away!
> Julian needs better care than
> he can receive here and the longer it takes for it to be
> delivered the graver his condition will be," She told him.
TOM: You know, guys, I'm really getting into this story. I am deeply
interested in what happens next. Sure, we know Julian will
survive,
unfortunately, but then what? What's going to happen to Alis when
she
begins her Crusade to change her culture?
MIKE: You're crazy, Tom. I've already had more than enough of Buffy the
Empire Slayer and that "tradition is bad" mantra.
> He nodded backing up, to spin and bolt from the room
> in search of his son.
CROW: And the snack bar.
> END OF "STOLEN MEMORIES" - PART NINE
>
> ******************************************
CROW: The HELL?!?
MIKE: That's not a conclusion!
TOM: Yeah! Will Alis be excommunicated? Will she commit suicide to
avoid
bearing Julian's children? Will half of the dramatis personae ever
get names? Who shot J.R.?
> The story "Stolen Memories" is a multi-part story that runs
> concurrently with "The Hunted".
MIKE: I think we can find the answers in _The Hunted_, guys.
TOM: Forget it, I don't need to know THAT badly!
> _______________________________________
CROW: (singing) Like the Red Skye at night, headful of crazy ideas...
>
> Standard disclaimers apply.
MIKE: (singing) Holding your head high,
Against the Red Skye...
> Characters copyrighted
> by Paramount.
TOM: (singing) Why is there blue sky,
Why is there Red Skye?
> Alis, Alistair and Felistians are
> copyrighted to Mission Ops Productions.
CROW: (singing) I lie dead gone under Red Skye...
MIKE: HEY! Don't be so pessimistic!
> Copyright @ 1995 Mission Ops Productions.
TOM: (singing) Red Skye burnin',
Won't be no returnin'.
So long.
> Reprinting this story in whole or in part is denied
> without the permission of Mission Ops Productions -
> except in cases of review.
CROW: (singing) The very next sound you feel,
Will be the low Red Skye bleeding...
>
> Send your comments to: 'hen...@zip.com.au'
> ___________________________________________________
MIKE: Remember, if someone steals YOUR memories, don't take the law into
your own hands, you take them to court.
(TOM hovers onto MIKE's lap. MIKE picks TOM up and ALL leave the
theater.)
[Door 1]
[Door 2]
[Door 3]
[Door 4]
[Door 5]
[Door 6]
[Dog Bone]
[SOL Bridge. TOM and CROW are behind the counter. There is a sheet of
paper on the counter. MIKE enters.]
TOM: Hey there, Nellie Nelson. My good friend Crow and I decided that
since _Stolen Memories_ lacks a conclusion, we needed to write one
ourselves. Will you do the honor of reading it?
MIKE: I'd be glad to.
(MIKE picks up the sheet of paper and begins reading)
MIKE: In the cold blackness of space near the Felistian homeworld,
Berserkers appeared. They were soon joined by the Kzinti and
Vogons.
Then the Shadows, Vorlons, the Empire, and the Borg joined the
massive armada encircling the planet like a swarm of locusts.
Meanwhile, Fred Saberhagen, Larry Niven, Douglas Adams, J. Michael
Straczynski, George Lucas, and Gene Roddenberry sat on the bridge
of
another ship. "I'm glad we were able to use our creations for a
noble purpose" said Saberhagen as the armada erased the Felistians
from the universe. Everyone nodded in agreement.
(MIKE starts to cry and puts the paper down)
MIKE: Guys, that's really beautiful. I just wish it were real.
TOM: So do we, Mike. So do we.
(MIKE puts an arm around each of the BOTS)
CROW: Hrmph. I still say that we could have slipped the Achuultani, the
Xeelee, and the Draka in there somewhere.
MIKE: Hush, Crow.
(The red light flashes)
TOM: Judas, Brutus, and Cassius are calling.
MIKE: So they are. (hits button)
[Castle Forrester. OBSERVER is sitting behind a desk. A tall woman
with
long red hair, blue-green eyes and glasses is sitting in a chair to his
left, as in the host/guest setup on any late night talk show. The woman
has a notebook on her lap and a pencil in her hand. PEARL comes
on-screen
and stands in front of them.]
PEARL: Ah, Admiral Lard Nelson. What did you and the Wonder Twins think
of
_Stolen Memories_?
[SOL Bridge. The BOTS are wearing sweaters and sport coats. MIKE has
disappeared.]
CROW: I can't recommend it.
TOM: I can't recommend it either, Gene.
(MIKE pops up from behind the counter, wearing a suit, glasses and a
fake
gray beard)
MIKE: I give it two and a half stars.
[Castle Forrester]
PEARL: That's nice. Well, I know that particular fanfic raised a lot of
questions, like "Is there a God?" and "If so, how can He allow
stories like _Stolen Memories_ to exist?". So I got Cracklin'
Oat
Brain to bring one of the guilty parties here to answer some of
those questions.
(Walks off-screen)
OBSERVER: (facing the screen) Our guest today is Red Skye, fanfic author
and head of Mission Ops Productions. We'll be talking to her
about the story _Stolen Memories_.
(OBSERVER turns to face Red)
RED: (speaking while writing) Bashir looked into her eyes and--
(OBSERVER looks annoyed and clears his throat. Red looks up, then
closes
her notebook and puts her pencil down.)
OBSERVER: I'm glad you could join us.
RED: I'm glad to be here.
OBSERVER: My first question is, are you the one who came up with the
concept for _Stolen Memories_?
RED: Yes.
OBSERVER: What was your inspiration?
RED: My cat.
[SOL Bridge. MIKE and the BOTS have ditched the movie critic outfits
and
are back to their normal attire, or, in the case of the Bots, lack of
attire. Mike is speaking while writing on a sheet of paper.]
MIKE: Cats... are... evil. Got it.
[Castle Forrester]
OBSERVER: I see. Did he come up with an outline, or just say "Meow.
Write
a story about cat-like aliens. Meow."? And how often does
your
cat speak to you, anyway?
RED: Nope, I just thought I'd write a story with aliens with feline
characteristics. We invented the species and ran with it.
OBSERVER: Why is Julian Bashir the protagonist of the story? It seems
it
would have worked with almost anyone.
RED: Because he's cute.
OBSERVER: So you gave him a verbally abusive father and physically
abusive
mother, let him be raped and tortured for three days, gang
raped
by aliens with barbed phalli, forced into sex slavery,
smothered,
nearly killed by a savage beast and raped and tortured for
nine
weeks, all because you find him attractive?
(OBSERVER turns to face the screen)
OBSERVER: Ladies and gentleman, if you hear any screams of agony in the
immeadiate future, do not be alarmed. It will merely be the
sound of men mutilating themselves, so that Red Skye won't
think
they are "cute".
[SOL Bridge]
TOM: That's not how you do an interview! Let me ask the questions!
[Castle Forrester]
(OBSERVER stands up, looking annoyed)
OBSERVER: (angrily) I'd like to see you do better.
(OBSERVER uses his brain power and TOM appears in his seat)
RED: (speaking while writing) She ran her fingers along Bashir's stiff--
(OBSERVER clears his throat again)
RED: Sorry.
TOM: Red Skye, if that IS your real name, WHY ARE SEVERAL OF THE MAJOR
CHARACTERS NEVER NAMED?
RED: I couldn't think up names for them.
TOM: Wouldn't the Felistians go extinct if sex was so painful for them?
RED: A, It's painful for cats, but their still prolific creatures,
aren't
they? B, When they worked out it could be possible and pleasurable
for them to breed with men of other species, i.e. humanoids, they
started abducting men of those species to breed with.
TOM: Why didn't the Felistians try breeding with slithers? Their
chances
of success would have been infinitely better! (sighs) Anyway, what
was Ambassador Bashir doing during all those months Julian was
missing?
RED: His job, being diplomatic and doing what he went there to do.
TOM: And he didn't nuke the planet when he found out his son had been
kidnapped?
RED: No.
TOM: Okay, next question. Is that Goddess character an actual deity, a
Q-like entity, or something else?
RED: Something else.
TOM: What?
RED: Well that's another story, _Vortex: New Day_.
PEARL: (off-screen) Has that one been posted yet?
RED: (to PEARL) No.
TOM: And finally, if there are wilderbeasts, are there wildestbeasts?
RED: No.
OBSERVER: Are you finished?
TOM: Yeah, I guess so.
(TOM disappears and reappears on the SOL bridge)
TOM: Hey! I didn't want to be sent back! (curses under his breath)
CROW: You know, I think we've learned some valuable lessons today, guys.
MIKE: Really? And what might those be?
CROW: Any two species can interbreed, people don't get angry when their
children are kidnapped, not all stories have endings, and, most
importantly... FELISTIANS ARE EVIL!
MIKE: You said it, Crow.
[Castle Forrester. RED is writing something in her notebook. JULIUS
CAESAR, played by Paul Chaplin, walks on-screen. He is dressed in a
white
tunic, purple toga, and red boots. He is holding an Orange Julius. RED
closes her notebook, stands up and turns to leave.]
CAESAR: How dare you make someone whose name is derived from mine an
idiot!
(CAESAR pulls out a dagger and plunges it into RED's chest, piercing her
heart. The notebook falls from her hand to fall to the floor, she
staggers
back a step, looking positively amazed.)
RED: Et tu, Caesar?
(RED drops dead. CAESAR removes his dagger and wipes it clean on RED's
clothes.)
CAESAR: Well, back to Britain.
(CAESAR takes a drink of his Orange Julius)
CAESAR: I won't have to kill whoever invented this. (walks off-screen)
[SOL Bridge. MIKE and the BOTS are shocked.]
MIKE: Well, that was unexpected.
CROW: Yeah, tell me about it. I thought for sure that Larry Niven would
be
the one to kill her.
TOM: Really? I was betting on Andrew Lloyd Webber.
MIKE: Speaking of cats, whatever happened to Senchy?
CROW: Oh, he's in Tom's room, watching _Sailor Moon_ tapes. He seems to
really like that show.
TOM: Uh-oh, that means...
(The SENSUALIST leaps on-screen from stage right. He is wearing a
sailor
suit.)
SENCHY: I am a Sailor Senchy!
[Fade to credits]
(MIKE and the BOTS groan)
(Mighty Science Theater begins to play as the planet appears)
Created by
JOEL HODGSON
Produced and Directed by
MICHAEL "ROTTWEILER" WALLEN - craz...@cnnw.net
Written by
JOE BLEVINS ----------------- joe...@concentric.net
Head Writer
JOHN BERRY ------------------ be...@sugar-river.net
MATTHEW BLACKWELL ----------- mbla...@ix.netcom.com
ANTAEUS FELDSPAR ------------ feld...@cryogen.com
BILL LIVINGSTON ------------- bi...@Traveller.COM
MATTHEW MILLER -------------- ma...@infinet.com
JOHN W. NOWAK --------------- John_W...@att.net
AMANDA OHLIN ---------------- al...@students.hood.edu
MELVIN POLLACK -------------- mpol...@Glue.umd.edu
MICHAEL "ROTTWEILER" WALLEN
Edited by
MICHAEL "ROTTWEILER" WALLEN
Co-Edited by
MATTHEW BLACKWELL
ANTAEUS FELDSPAR
Featuring
Crow T. Robot
BILL CORBETT
Gypsy
PATRICK BRANTSEG
Mike Nelson
MICHAEL J. NELSON
Tom Servo
KEVIN MURPHY
Cambot
KEVIN MURPHY
Also Featuring
Observer
BILL CORBETT
Pearl Forrester
MARY JO PEHL
Professor Bobo
KEVIN MURPHY
And
John Evil
JIM MALLON
Felistian
BRIDGET JONES
Winston
MICHAEL J. NELSON
Alistair
ARSENIO HALL
The Sensualist
PAUL CHAPLIN
Ned the Nanite
KEVIN MURPHY
Corvustian #1
JIM MALLON
Corvustian #2
KEVIN MURPHY
Corvustian #3
PATRICK BRANTSEG
Corvustian #4
JIM MALLON
Alis
BETH "BEEZ" McKEEVER
Wilderbeast
BILL CORBETT
Julius Caesar
PAUL CHAPLIN
With Special Guest Star
RED SKYE
As herself
Evil Enterprises Products by
EVIL OVERLORD, INC.
Fursuits by
DAVID LETTERMAN
One If by
LAND
Two If by
SEA
MST3K Love Theme
Music
CHARLIE ERICKSON
JOEL HODGSON
Lyrics
MELVIN POLLACK
"Julian's Dad"
Lyrics
MICHAEL "ROTTWEILER" WALLEN
Special Thanks to
BEST BRAINS, INC.
MISSION OPS PRODUCTIONS
ALL MISTIES WORLDWIDE
Check Out Mystery Usenet Theater 3000 At
http://neylonpc.engin.umich.edu/mst3k/
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and all its related characters and
situations
are trademarks of and copyrighted by Best Brains, Inc. All rights
reserved. _Star Trek: Deep Space Nine_ is owned by Paramount. Alistair
Mender, Alistairyen, the Felistians, and the story _Stolen Memories_ are
copyrighted by Mission Ops Productions. Use of copyrighted and
trademarked
material is for non-commercial parody, review, and commentary purposes
only. No infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by
Best Brains, Paramount, or anyone else is intended or should be
inferred.
This MiSTing is not authorized, endorsed, or supported by Best Brains,
Inc.
It should not be viewed as a personal attack on Red Skye (although I
think
the sky should remain blue) or any other member of Mission Ops
Productions.
All jabs directed at them are meant purely in jest and should not be
taken
seriously. Any resemblence to actual persons, living or dead, would
really
suprise me. This MiSTing may be distributed freely as long as nothing
is
added to or deleted from it, the writers are credited, and this
disclaimer
remains intact.
No Felistians were harmed during the making of this MiSTing. Shortly
afterward, however, a ball of yarn the size of Texas collided with their
homeworld, destroying it.
JULIAN
"Terran males are not the brainless pets your men are."
ALIS
"It's not a slave collar, Julian, it's a Consort's collar."
AMBASSADOR BASHIR
"I think you've got just enough grey matter under that thick skull of
yours
to work that out for yourself."
DE SADE
"This is fun."
ALISTAIR
"I took an oath to never cause intentional harm to another sentient."
THE SENSUALIST
"I can also sing."
THE FIRST MOTHER
"Take this, study it, it is my law - uncorrupted by those who presume to
know what my wishes are and interpret my words to suit their own
purposes."
> Alis carried him to the double bed, ready to lay him
> down on it, then stopped dead in her tracks when she saw
> the evidence that he'd been rapped on that bed.
Produced in association with the Dibs List