[MiSTing] Are You Ready??? (1/2)
Tjats
disclaimer:
All MST3K-related characters and situations are trademarked by Best Brains,
Inc.
--------------------
episode 203 of SFT1B
Turn down your lights...(if you want to.)
In the not-too-distant future,
In a castle near Iran,
Pearl Forister and her two sidekicks
Were hatchin' up a nasty plan.
They bougt some pizza from a guy named Jim,
A guy who obeyed their every whim.
They figured that his soul was just too free,
So they stuffed him in a capsule and they launched him out to sea!
(Jim: When do I get paid!?!)
"We'll send him cheesy stories,
The worst we can find.(lalala)
He'll have to sit and read them all,
And we'll monitor his mind!"(lalala)
Now keep in mind Jim can't controll
Which story she'll send him next.(lalala)
He'll try and think of a way out
With the help of his robot friends!
ROBOT ROLL CALL
CAMBOT("Hit it!")
GYPSY("Oh, my!")
TOM SERVO("Buck up, newmeat!")
CROOOOOOOOOOW!("You know you want me, baby!")
If you're wondering how they work and play,
And other science facts,(lalala)
Go get a degree in physics,
Or really just relax!
for Science Fiction Theater 1,000,000,000!
1...2...3...4...5...6...
[SOL int.] Jim has set up a lunch counter on the bridge. He's wearing a lunch
lady hair net.
Servo, Gypsy and Crow each have plates and are waiting for Jim to serve them.
JIM[as overly mean lunch lady]: Hi, everybody, and welcome to the Submarine of
Love.
I'm Jim Whaley, your lunch lady for today, and these are my customers.
[to 'Bots] And you are...?
CROW: Starving! When are you going to let us eat?
JIM: Now, calm yourelf, Mr. Starving. You have to fill out these medical
disease waivers.[hands
Crow a paper]
CROW: Jim, my arms don't work! Come on, let me at some of those string beans
with gravy!
JIM: Now hold your horses, sir. I also need to see your lunch pass.
CROW: Lunch pass?
GYPSY: Jim, let us eat!
JIM: If you don't have your lunch pass, you're not supposed to have this lunch
period. Let me
see your schedule.
CROW: I don't have a schedule, Jim! I want to eat!
JIM: I'm sorry, but you need to give me your signed nurse's lunch aproval
before you eat anything.
[accidentaly knocks over the baked potatoes] Aw, crap. [ducks under the
counter, picks up the tray
and begins putting the fallen potatoes back on.
SERVO: Yuck!
CROW: Never mind, Jim. I'm sure I can find a more easily obtained, less
dirt-riddled source
of nutrition. [leves in disgust]
GYPSY: Jim, I think you're an old, underpaid, badly influenced, retarded hag.
JIM: Why thank you, Gypsy. Here's some baked bean salad for you. [dishes out
disgusting
amalgamation of beans, lettuce and tomatoes.
GYPSY: Thanks.
JIM: That'll be $20.50 and I'll need to see your senior ID.
GYPSY: Ah, to Hell with you. [leaves]
-commercial sign-
JIM: We'll be right back.
SERVO: Can I have some of those fried eggs with rat droppings?
JIM: Sure, but I need to know if you've ever survived Jack-in-the-Box.
[brain coral logo]
[commercials]
[SOL int.] Jim, back in his plain-color t-shirt, stands behind the counter
with Servo and Crow,
who are rapidly munching down potato chips.
JIM: I'm sorry I never gave you anything to eat, but if you did I could have
been in horrible
legal trouble.
CROW: We forgive you, Jim. Look what Gypsy found for us under the couch.
JIM: ugh
-Mad's sign-
JIM: Hey, Harry and Mrs. Henderson are calling.
[Castle Forrster] Pearl and Bobo are on screen.
PEARL: Hey, Jimmy, Brain Guy decided we weren't good enough for him, so he
packed up and left to
some unknown dimension. That means I'm going to have to try a makeshift little
invention out on you...
[pulls out a combination of a megaphone and a boom box marked "Observer In A
Box"] This thing
should do everything the old Observer did...and more! Let's try it out...
[pushes a button
on OIAB. Recorded Observer sound plays]
[SOL] The Submarine is rocked violently and everyone falters.
ALL: Aaaaahhhhg!
[Gypsy enters]
GYPSY: Red Alert! Red Alert! Our shields have failed! The forcefields
around the hull breaches are
failing! We're being flooded!
JIM: Oh, great! We're mimiking "Star Trek Voyager: Splashdown"!
GYPSY: Hull stress is minimal...we're okay I guess.
JIM: What happened?
[CF]
PEARL: I just meant to open the garage door! Oh, well. Your experiment today
is "Are You
Ready to Get $40,000 in 6 Weeks with Only 8 Bucks", and you've got a short,
titled simply, "Help Me".
Enjoy.
[SOL] -movie sign-
JIM: Agg! We got movie sign!
6...5...4...3...2...1...
[Jim, Servo, and Crow]
SERVO: Maybe we should buy one of those Observer things.
>Subject: Indroduction and plea
>From: M Benjes <MBe...@xtra.co.nz>
CROW: M Benjes?
SERVO: Trans: Left MBenjes at extra dots. Come, dots. New Zeland. Right.
>Date: Sun, Aug 9, 1998 14:58 EDT
JIM: Eastern Demoted Time?
CROW: Eating Does Things?
SERVO: Every Dad Tolerant?
JIM: Easter Day Tikes?
CROW: Excerpts Drool Telephones?
>Message-id: <35CDF173...@xtra.co.nz>
>
SERVO: I don't even *want* to know what that stands for.
CROW: It's the number of times Clinton's had to apologize for his affair.
JIM: Now can't we leave out references to him and Monica?
CROW: Who's Monica? I'm talking about Hillary.
JIM: But, Crow, you're *supposed* to have an affair with your wife.
CROW: That's not the norm any more, my friend.
>Mw name is DW
SERVO: Darkwing Duck?
> and im a new user on the net.
>I took about 5 minutes or so the other day to download the messages on
>the altfansonic...
CROW: Sonic's evil twin brother.
>group but Im afraid that i really cannot make head nor tails(not a joke)
JIM: Of my SHIFT key.
>of what I found .
SERVO: I found Sonic posts.
>Do you really talk of anything.
JIM: Is that a statement, or...?
>Do you really communicate at all.
SERVO: No, not at all. I have never communicated in my entire life.
>Are you all 23 year olds who have become computer programers and with no
>child left in you.
CROW: If so, you win ONE MILLION DOLLARS!!!!!
>Although I found many things amusing such as Sonic characters
>represented as fruit .
JIM: The hell?
SERVO: Sonic was a rotted old prune, right?
>I would consider using it more as a basis for a philological thesis then
>daily reading .
CROW: Huh. I've read some philolicalological books, myself.
>I would really like to get to know you all better .
JIM: Robot Roll Call; CAMBOT!
CAMBOT: You're on!
JIM: GYPSY!
[Gypsy enters]
GYPSY: My stars!
[Gypsy leaves]
JIM: TOM SERVO!
SERVO: Check me out!
JIM: CROOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!
CROW: I'm different!
>Get a general idea of things and learn from you all what you have to
>offer.
SERVO: Uh, I've got some lint. You want it?
>Surly you must admit that the complexities of your discussions baffle a
>more inexperienced person such as myself.
CROW: And *he's* upset about complexity?
>Please help me .
>
ALL: No, goodbye.
>THANKS
>DW
>
[Jim, Servo and Crow leave the theater]
6...5...4...3...2...1...
[SOL int.] Crow is the only one in sight, illuminated in a spot light.
CROW: Hello, I'm CR. I feel that, after wandering around here at the Dibs
List, I have come to realize
that your discussions seem overall in-depth and conclusive. Although I have
found some topics
amusing, such as Mystery Science Theater 3000 characters potrayed as grease
stains. This has
led me to beileve that there are some of you out there with a high inteligence
level. Please bite me.
[the spotight dims and the normal lights come back on. Jim(claping) and
Servo(cheering) enter from the left]
JIM: Hey, Crow, that was pretty good.
SERVO: You were rockin'!
CROW: Thank you.
[we hear a thundering creak, sounding like the metal structure bending under
the water pressure]
-commercial sign-
MAGIC VOICE: Warning, hull stress is increasing. Two seconds since commercial
sign.
JIM: Uh, oh. We'll be right back.
SERVO: What's Mystery Science Theater 3000?
CROW: If I told you, I would have to kill you.
SERVO: Oh, okay.
[brain coral logo]
[commercials]
[Jim, Servo, and Crow re-enter the theater]
>Subject: *******************************************************
>From: kygp...@hotmail.com
SERVO: Weird! I knew a Bob Kygpajhc once.
>Date: 9/16/1998 10:41 PM Eastern Daylight Time
>Message-id: <360076dd.0@p3>
>
>
>An unregistered version of Newsgroup AutoPoster PRO
>posted this article!
>---
JIM: Here we go, fellas. Another spam.
CROW: I'm ready for anything.
>ARE YOU READY TO GET $40,000 IN 6 WEEKS WITH ONLY 8 BUCKS !!!??
CROW: Except that.
>******************************************************
>If everyone justs sends $6.00
SERVO: Already we're started off on the wrong foot.
>And posts to at least 200 groups, we will
>all be happy!!!!!!! Happy all the way to the BANK!!!!!!!
JIM: How the hell can you possibly post to 200 newsgroups?
>
>I found this posted in another group and thought I'd try it
>just for a laugh.
>Guess what?
SERVO: I tried it just for a laugh!
>I'm laughing the whole way to the bank. I already earned
>$2,500 in almost 3 weeks! Following is that original post.
JIM: It's a chain letter/spam.
CROW: You don't see many of those, let me tell you.
>Take a minute to read it.
SERVO: We'll have to.
>I'm telling you--I'm a very skeptical,
CROW: person,
>but even a skeptic likes to make money. And the initial investment
>is insignificant
JIM: next to the power of the Force.
>....LESS THAN $8.00!!!
>
CROW: It's not a small investment if you only have ten dollars now is it?
SERVO: This spam isn't very all-inclusive.
>Here is the original post:
>*******************************************************
>
JIM: Thank you, and good night!
>Awhile back, I was browsing these newsgroups, just like you are now,
CROW: We are? Wow.
SERVO: He's talking about Pearl reading the newsgroups for fanfics!
>and came across an article similar to this that said you could make
>thousands of dollars within weeks with only an initial investment of
CROW[as Satan]: Your soul.
>$6.00 plus stamps!
>So I thought, "Yeah, right, this must be a scam!" But like most of us I
>was curious and kept reading. It said that if you send $1.00 to each of
>the 6 names and addresses listed in the article, you could make
SERVO: beautiful ice sculptures.
>thousands in a very short period of time.
JIM: thousands of cents, probably.
>You then place your own name
>and address at the bottom of the list at #6,
SERVO[real nicely]: And before you now it, you'll be robbed by every cat
burgler in the state!
>and post the article to at
>least 200 newsgroups.
JIM: Yeah, that was covered already.
>
>(There are about 32,000 of them out there and that's quite a large
CROW: package you got there, mind if I had a look inside?
JIM[thinks]: That's not funny, Crow.
CROW: That's because you're too stupid.
>market pool). No catch, that was it.
>Even though the investment was a measly $6, I had three questions that
>needed to be answered before I could get involved in this sort of thing.
SERVO: Am I a gullible idiot who spend all his money on things like this?
>
>1. IS THIS REALLY LEGAL??
CROW: Of course not!
>I called a lawyer first. The lawyer was a little sceptical that I would
>actually make any money but he said it WAS LEGAL if I wanted to try it.
JIM: Uh, oh. He's slipping into the Sonic Comic word emphasising format.
SERVO: This AMAZING OFFER was COMPLETELY LEGAL until the usurping DOCTOR IVO
ROBOTNIK
took over THE PLANET MOBIUS.
>I told him it sounded a lot like a chain letter but the details of the
>system (SEE BELOW) actually made it a legitimate legal business.
CROW: If you're greedy and stupid.
>
>2. IS OK WITH THE POST OFFICE OR IS IT MAIL FRAUD?
JIM: Yes.
>....I called them:
CROW: Weenie and Momma's Boy.
>1-800-725-2161 and they confirmed THIS IS ABSOLUTELY LEGAL! (See
>Title18, h sections1302 NS 1341 of Postal Lottery Laws).
JIM: Assuming you actualy have a copy of it in your house.
>This clarifies
>the program of collecting names and addresses for a mailing list.
>
>3. IS IT MORAL?
JIM: No, it is not a fable, it is non-fiction.
>Well, everyone who sends me a buck has a good chance of
CROW: Getting it stolen back by me after a few days.
>getting A LOT of money ... a much better chance than buying a lottery
>ticket!!!
CROW: Hey, maybe we should check this out!
>
>
>So, having these questions answered, I invested EXACTLY $7.92 ... six
>$1.00 bills and six 32 cent postage stamps ... and boy am I glad I
>did!!!
SERVO: He must have had a labotamy prior to this incident.
>Within 7 days, I started getting
CROW: strange phone calls and death threats.
>money in the mail! I was shocked! I
>figured it would end soon and didn't give it another thought. But the
>money continued coming in.
JIM: Right.
>In my first week I made between $20 to $30.
CROW: Okay, that's believable.
>By the end of the second week I had a made a total of $1,000.00.
SERVO: That's pushing it.
>In the third week I had over $10,000.00 and it was still growing.
JIM: That's downright wrong.
>This is now my fourth week and I have made a total of just over $42,000
>and it's still coming in .....
>It's certainly worth $6.00 and 6 stamps !!!
CROW: And soon a guy will drive by my house and start shooting through the
windows.
>
>
>Also, make sure you print a copy of this article NOW, so you can get the
>information off of it as you need it. I promise you that if you follow
>the directions exactly,
SERVO: Then nobody'll get hurt.
>that you will start making more money than you
>thought possible by doing something so easy!
CROW: Mail six envelopes and post to 200 newsgroups? Easy as cake.
>
>Suggestion: Read this entire message carefully! (print it out or
>download it.) Follow the simple directions and watch the money come in!
>It's easy.
JIM: 200 newsgroups?
>It's legal.
CROW: Maybe in Russia.
>And, your investment is only $6.00 (Plus postage)
>
>IMPORTANT: This is not a rip-off; it is not indecent
CROW: exposure, it's a mailing list.
>; it is not illegal;
>and it is virtually no risk - it really works!!!! If all of the following
>instructions are adhered to, you will receive extraordinary dividends.
JIM: I don't want dividends, I want money!
>
>PLEASE NOTE:
SERVO: This is all crap.
>Please follow these directions EXACTLY, and $50,000 or more can be
>yours in 20 to 60 days.
CROW: Give or take a decade.
>This program remains successful because of the
>honesty and integrity of the participants. Please continue its success
>by carefully adhering to the instructions.
JIM: I don't wanna.
>
>You will now become part of the Mail Order business. In this business
>your product is not solid and tangible, it's a service. You are in the
>business of developing Mailing Lists. Many large corporations are happy
>to pay big bucks for quality lists.
SERVO: Wait a minute, I thought this was just a way to get money.
>However, the money made from the
>mailing lists is secondary to the income which is made from people like
>you and me asking to be included in that list.
JIM: I think the writer's trippin'.
>
>Here are the 4 easy steps to success:
>
SERVO: Get a job, do good work, be respectful to your boss, make lots of
money.
>STEP 1: Get 6 separate pieces of paper and write the following on each
>piece of paper "PLEASE PUT ME ON YOUR MAILING LIST." Now
>get 6 US $1.00 bills and place ONE inside EACH of the 6 pieces of
>paper so the bill will not be seen through the envelope (to prevent
>thievery).
CROW: But what if you write "One dollar bill enclosed" in big red letters on
the back?
>Next, place one paper in each of the 6 envelopes and seal
>them. You should now have 6 sealed envelopes, each with a piece of
>paper stating the above phrase, your name and address, and a $1.00 bill.
JIM: Now burn them and do it again.
>
>What you are doing is creating a service. THIS IS ABSOLUTELY
>LEGAL!
CROW: How legal is it?
JIM and SERVO: ABSOLUTELY LEGAL!
>You are requesting a legitimate service and you are paying for
>it! Like most of us I was a little skeptical and a little worried about
>the legal aspects of it all. So I checked it out with the U.S. Post Office
>(1-800-725-2161) and they confirmed that it is indeed legal! Mail the 6
>envelopes to the following addresses:
SERVO: Didn't these last few paragraphs repeat things stated before over and
over?
JIM: Yes.
>
>
>
>#1) Brian Michels
CROW: Mitchel!
>6 Bristol Downs
>Coram, NY 11727
>
>#2) Spencer Lucas
SERVO: George Lucas is making anatomicaly correct Star Wars action figures for
Spencer's Gifts.
>320 Caloosa Dr.
>LaBelle, Fl 33935
>
>#3) Yvonne Halvaei
JIM: Wow.
CROW: That's Dutch for Jill Smith.
>PO Box 513
>Odessa, FL 33556
>
>#4) Steve Harris
>253 College St. #136
>Toronto, ON M5T 1R5
CROW: MST IRS?
JIM: Best Brains demands the money!
>CANADA
SERVO[singing]: Oh, I wish I was back in old-
CROW: Not now, Servo.
>
>#5) Vincent
>DelPrior
>8740 26 ave
>Bklyn,
JIM: Even their writing reflects the accent!
>NY 11214
>
>#6) Amir Hermelin
>27 Igaal Alon St.
>Haifa 32983
>ISRAEL
CROW: Of course this is legal! It sneaked by the foreign customs office just
fine!
SERVO: I gotta get out of here!
JIM: I'm with you, Servo.
[Jim and Servo leave the theater]
[commercials]
[SOL int.] Jim and Servo are behind the counter. A loud rumbling can be heard
and it increases
and decreases in volume through the rest of the host segments.
JIM: Geez, that noise is getting worse.
SERVO: Yeah, it's like Titanic in surroundsound.
[Gypsy comes in left]
GYPSY: Hey, guys, we've got trouble!
JIM: What is it, Gypsy?
GYPSY[begining to panic]: It's a horrible catastrophe! An unearthly
circumstance that, if not
corrected, could destroy the fragile life we all live!
JIM[nervous]: Uh...the water's breaking through the hull?
SERVO: We're sinking into a huge crevice?
JIM: A gang of sharks is bombarding the Submarine?
GYPSY: Even worse! [dramatic "dun, dun, DUUUN!"] We're all out of Folgers
Crystals!
JIM: Oh, my God! Get down to the cargo hold and look for some subtitute that
can tide us over!
Servo! Get on the line to Starbucks and get us some quality cafinated morning
brew! Crow!
[pause] Crow?
CROW[muffled]: I'm still in the theater! [pause] Ah, hahahaha! That was the
weirdest anicdote!
This chain spam is hilarious!
-movie sign-
JIM: Oh, no, we got SPAM SLASH CHAIN LETTER SIGN!
6...5...4...3...2...1...
[Jim enters the theater]
JIM: Heya, Crow.
CROW: Hi.
[Servo enters, running and screaming]
SERVO: AAAARRRRGGGGHHHHHHH! Oh, hi.
JIM and CROW: Hi.
>
>
>
>STEP 2: Now take the #1 name off the list that you see above,
CROW: And ram it!
JIM: -chuckles-
CROW: You're not going to yell at me?
JIM: Why?
CROW: Never mind.
>move the
>other names up (6 becomes 5, 5 becomes 4, etc...) and add YOUR
>Name as number 6 on the list.
SERVO: That's great. Like I want the entire internet community to know where
I live.
>
>STEP 3: Change anything you need to,
JIM: Let's mess with the names.
>but try to keep this article as
>close to original as possible. Now, post your amended article to at least
>200 newsgroups. (I think there are close to 32,000 groups) All you need is
>200, but remember, the more you post, the more money you make!
CROW: If anyone actualy sends any money.
>
>This is perfectly legal!
SERVO: Did Prince of Space write this?
CROW[as Prince of Space]: Your weapons are completely and utterly without a
doubt useles against
me! Ha, ha! This is perfectly legal!
>If you have any doubts, refer to Title 18 Sec.
>1302 & 1341 of the Postal lottery laws. Keep a copy of these steps for
>yourself and, whenever you need money, you can use it again, and again.
JIM: The world's first reusable chain letter.
>
>PLEASE REMEMBER that this program remains successful because of
>the honesty and integrity of the participants and by their carefully adhering
CROW: the postal stamps. Remember to put them on the top right side about a
centimeter away from
the edges. Lick once, not more or less. Use validated postage and correct
cost.
JIM: I'll just not worry about the postage on this letter, thanks.
>to the directions. Look at it this way. If you are a person of
>integrity, the program will continue and the money that so many others
>have received will come your way.
SERVO[singing]: Have it your way, have it your way.
CROW: Please, Servo!
>
>NOTE: You may want to retain every name and address sent to you,
>either on a computer or hard copy and keep the notes people send you.
>This VERIFIES that you are truly providing a service. (Also, it might be
>a good idea to wrap the $1 bill in dark paper to reduce the risk of mail
>theft.)
CROW: Mail servie or get rich quick scheme? You decide.
>
>So, as each post is downloaded and the directions carefully followed,
>six members will be reimbursed
SERVO: That looks naughty.
>for their participation as a List Developer
JIM: 4.0
CROW: Huh?
JIM: List Developer 4.0.
CROW: Whatever.
>with one dollar each. Your name will move up the list geometrically
ALL: Huh?
>so that when your name reaches the #1 position you will be receiving
>thousands of dollars in CASH!!! What an opportunity for only $6.00
>($1.00 for each of the first six people listed above)
JIM: Yeah, I think you covered that already.
>Send it now, add
>your own name to the list and you're in business!
SERVO: Ah, the rewarding business of List Maintaning!
>
>---DIRECTIONS ----- FOR HOW TO POST TO NEWSGROUPS------------
>---DIRECTIONS ----- FOR HOW TO POST TO NEWSGROUPS------------
CROW: One: Always double post.
CROW: One: Always double post.
>
>Step 1) You do not need to re-type this entire letter to do your own
>posting. Simply put your cursor at the beginning of this letter and drag
>your cursor to the bottom of this document, and select 'copy' from the
>edit menu. This will copy the entire letter into the computer's memory.
SERVO: If someone is using a computer I think he would know how to cut and
paste.
>
>Step 2) Open a blank 'notepad' file and place your cursor at the top of
>the blank page. From the 'edit' menu select 'paste'. This will paste a
>copy of the letter into notepad so that you can add your name to the list.
CROW: We don't care. Can we move on, please?
>
>Step 3) Save your new notepad file as a .txt file. If you want to do
>your postings in different settings, you'll always have this file to go
>back to.
JIM: Silence, guys. Let's see how long we can go without making a riff.
>
>Step 4) Use Netscape or Internet explorer and try searching for various
>newsgroups (on-line forums, message boards, chat sites, discussions.)
>
>Step 5) Visit these message boards and post this article as a new
>message by highlighting the text of this letter and selecting paste from
>the edit menu. Fill in the Subject, this will be the header that everyone
>sees as they scroll through the list of postings in a particular group,
>click the post message button. You're done with your first one!
>Congratulations...THAT'S IT! All you have to do is jump to different
>newsgroups and post away, after you get the hang of it, it will take
>about 30 seconds for each newsgroup!
>
>**REMEMBER, THE MORE NEWSGROUPS YOU POST IN, THE
>MORE MONEY YOU WILL MAKE!!
>BUT YOU HAVE TO POST A MINIMUM OF 200**
>That's it! You will begin receiving money from around the world within
>days! You may eventually want to rent a P.O.Box due to the large amount
>of mail you will receive. If you wish to stay anonymous, you can invent
>a name to use, as long as the postman will deliver it.
>**JUST MAKE SURE ALL THE ADDRESSES ARE CORRECT.**
JIM: I WAS BEING SARCASTIC!
CROW and SERVO: Oh!
>
>Now the WHY part:
SERVO: To overload your mail box.
>Out of 200 postings, say I receive only 5 replies (a very low example).
CROW: Actualy, considering the willingness of today's internet community,
that's pretty good.
>So then I made $5.00 with my name at #6 on the letter. Now, each of the
>5 persons who just sent me $1.00 make the MINIMUM 200 postings,
JIM: And how would you know?
>each with my name at #5 and only 5 persons respond to each of the
>original 5, that is another $25.00 for me, now those 25 each make 200
>MINIMUM posts with my name at #4 and only 5 replies each, I will
>bring in an additional $125.00! Now, those 125 persons turn around and
>post the MINIMUM 200 with my name at #3 and only receive 5 replies
[Jim whips out a calculator and starts performing equations]
>each, I will make an additional $626.00! OK, now here is the fun part,
>each of those 625 persons post a MINIMUM 200 letters with my name
>at #2 and they each only receive 5 replies, that just made me
>$3,125.00!!! Those 3,125 persons will all deliver this message to 200
>newsgroups with my name at #1 and if still 5 persons per 200
>newsgroups react I will receive $15,625,00! With an original investment
>of only $6.00!
[Jim's calculator blows up]
SERVO: Woah!
JIM: ow
>
>AMAZING!
CROW: RANDO!
[Servo cheers]
>When your name is no longer on the list, you just take the
>latest posting in the newsgroups, and send out another $6.00 to names on
>
>the list, putting your name at number 6 again. And start posting again.
JIM: The newsgroup community would be sooo tied up by now.
>The thing to remember is: do you realize that thousands of people all over
>the world are joining the internet and reading these articles everyday?,
>JUST LIKE YOU are now!!
SERVO: Well, congraducraptions!
>
>So, can you afford $6.00 and see if it really works?? I think
CROW: not.
>so...
>People have said, "what if the plan is played out and no one sends you the
>money? So what! What are the chances of that happening when there are
>tons of new honest users and new honest people who are joining the
>internet and newsgroups everyday and are willing to give it a try?
JIM: Is this still the quote?
>Estimates are at 20,000 to 50,000 new users, every day, with thousands
>of those joining the actual internet.
CROW: Tying up the phone lines, jamming access, and crowding disk space.
>
>Remember, play FAIRLY and HONESTLY and this will really work. ]
SERVO: Where's the first bracket?
>
>** By the way, if you try to deceive people by posting the messages with
>your name in the list and not sending the money to the rest of the
>people already on the list, you will NOT get as much. Someone I talked
>to knew someone who did that and he only made about $150.00, and that's
>after seven or eight weeks!
>Then he sent the 6 $1.00 bills, people added
>him to their lists, and in 4-5 weeks he had over $10k.
JIM: They shipped him memory expanders?
>
>This is the fairest and most honest way I have ever seen to share the
>wealth of the world without costing anything but our time!!! You also
>may want to buy mailing and e-mail lists for future dollars.
CROW: Is this a pleasure scheme or a marketing tool?
SERVO: We may never know.
JIM: Let's book, guys.
[Jim, Servo, and Crow leave the theater]
1...2...3...4...5...6...
[SOL int.]
Crow and Gypsy are behind the counter.
GYPSY: So how's the spam going, Crow?
CROW: Really bad, I'm afraid.
GYPSY: That's okay, Crow. I'll always be here for you.
CROW: Thanks, Gyps.
[A metal bending noise is heard, followed by the rush of water and Jim's and
Servo's screams]
GYPSY: Sounds like I've got to seal another breach...
[Servo rushes in with Jim, who has a blue shark on his head. Jim's muffled
screams can be heard
through the shark's jaws]
SERVO: Gypsy! Crow! Help! A shark just punched through the hull and ate
Jim!
CROW: Well, what are we supposed to do? We don't have working arms!
GYPSY: Yeah!
JIM[muffled]: Help!
SERVO: We have to do something!
GYPSY: Maybe we have the Jaws of Life under the counter! [she ducks down and
emerges biting a
large metalic scisor-like thing] Hegr, Jig!
[Jim takes the Jaws and rushes out with them]
GYPSY: Well, we didn't have the Jaws of Life, but we did have the Jaws of
Death. You think that matters?
CROW: Probably not.
[an explosion happens off-camera. Jim walks back in. The shark is gone, and
his head is charred
black. His hair is a mess as well as his t-shirt. He holds the exploded Jaws]
JIM[sarcastic]: Thanks a lot, Gyps. You really helped me out.
GYPSY[cheerfuly]: You're welcome. [leaves]
-commercial sign-
SERVO: What happened to the shark?
JIM: What do you think?
[commercials]
Jim, that Mistie
"This is where the fish lives."
"I *KNOW*!"
"I'm cahmeeng!"
"There has to be a more substantial explanation than the whammy." -Agent Dana
Scully