[MiSTing] "The Odyssey" (2/5) THE SPECIAL EDITION
Tjats
(We are viewing this portion of the episode through Rocket Number Nine, which
was dragged inside the
Satelite and into the theater so Cambot could riff this portion)
>The Cyclops
>
>In the next land we found were Cyclopes,
MIKE: Huh? Wouldn't it be easier to say Cyclopses?
CROW: Or cyclopseseses?
GYPSY: How about Cyclops?
OTHERS: Huh?
>giants, louts, without a law to bless them.
>In ignorance leaving the fruitage of the earth in mystery
MIKE: I think I forgot to bring a universal translator in here with us.
>to the immortal gods, they neither plow
>nor sow by hand, nor till the ground,
SERVO: Till the ground what? What did the ground do? WHAT?!?
MIKE: Calm down, Servo.
>though grain-
>wild wheat and barley-grows untended, and
CAMBOT: Why all the comas and hyphens?
>wine grapes, in clusters, ripen in heaven's rains.
>Cyclopes have no muster and no meeting,
>no consoltation or old tribal ways,
MIKE: So they don't have jobs and they aren't Indians?
SERVO: Please, Mike, *Native Americans*.
MIKE: Sorry.
>but each one dwells in his own mountain cave
>dealing out rough justice to wife and child,
CAMBOT: So they're luthrin monks.
>indifferent to what the others do....
CROW: I hate to be picky, but don't you usualy only put three dots after
things like that?
SERVO: Hey, It's a Fitzgerald translation.
>As we rowed on, and nearer to the mainland,
>at one end of the bay, we saw a cavern
>yawning
SERVO[as cavern]: Oh, boy, am I tired.
>above the water, screened with laurel,
>and many rams and goats avout the place
GYPSY[as Elmyra]: Ooohhh! Aminals!
>inside a sheepfoldfrom slabs of stone
>earthfast between tall trunks of pine and rugged
>towering oak trees.
>A prodigious man slept in this cave alone, and took his flocks
>to graze afield-
>remote from all companions,
MIKE: Won't the sheep get lonely?
>knowing none but savage ways, a brute
>so huge, he seemed no man at all
CAMBOT: But, he *isn't* a man! He's a Cyclops!
>of those
>who eat good wheaten bread; but he seemed rather
>a shaggy mountain reared in solitude.
>We beached there, and I told the crew
SERVO: to look out for icebergs.
>to stand by and keep watch over the ship;
>as for myself I took my twelve
MIKE: disciples.
> best fighters
>and went ahead. I had a goatskin full
>of that sweet liquor that Euanthes' son,
>Maron, had given me. He kept Apollo's
>holy grove at Ismarus; for kindness
>we showed him there, and showed his wife and child,
>he gave me seven shining
SERVO: pennies and told me to take a hike.
>golden talents
MIKE: Cambot, what does he mean?
[Cambot buzzes for a second and displays a definition on the screen.]
Cbot1:>talents: Units of money in ancient Greece.
OTHERS: Oh.
>perfectly formed, a solid silver winebowl,
>and then this liquor-
SERVO: Which I rapidly drank.
>twelve two-handled jars
>of brandy, pure and fiery.
GYPSY: Why are they bringing all this wine on their trip?
> Not a slave
>in My houseold knew this drink; only
>he, his wife and the storeroom mistress knew;
>and they would put one cupful-ruby-colored,
>honey-smooth--in twenty more of water,
>but still the sweet scent hovered like a fume
>over the winebowl.
MIKE: Oops, Fitzgerald is accidentaly translating an old Greek cookbook.
>No man turned away
>when cups of this came round.
SERVO: I hope it doesn't contain pee and Odysseus is going to throw it at
them.
>
>A wineskin full I brought along, and victuals in a bag,
>for in my bones I knew some towering brute
>would be upon us soon-all outward power,
>a wild man, ignorant of civility.
>
GYPSY: Why all the pauses?
SERVO: Ol' Robert probably had to go to the bathroom while he was writing
this.
>We climbed, then, briskly to the cave. But Cyclops
>had gone afield, to pasture his fat sheep,
>so we looked round at everything inside:
>a drying rack that sagged with cheeses, pens
>crowded with
MIKE: ink.
>lambs and kids,
CAMBOT: He put his children in there!
>each in its class:
>firstlings
MIKE: first. Get it? First *lings* instead of *things*? Ha, ha.
CROW: Get bent.
>apart from middlings, and the 'dewdrops,'
>or newborn lambkins, penned apart from both.
>And vessels full of whey were brimming there-
SERVO: Hey! He stuffed the starship Enterprise full of grains!
MIKE: They deserve it.
SERVO: No they don't.
MIKE: Who were you talking about?
SERVO: Picard and crew.
MIKE: Oh. I ment Kirk.
CROW: Really? Well, I just so happen to find Kirk's ship to be the best,
Mike!
>bowls of earthenware
CAMBOT: Mother Earth is trying to outsell China in dinner plates.
CROW: So, you're saying Kirk sucks? Huh?
MIKE: No, I'm not, and stop using foul language.
>and pails for milking.
>My men came pressing round me, pleading:
CROW: Comeon! You want a piece of me? Huh?
[Crow starts hitting Mike.]
>'Why not take these cheeses, get them stowed, come back,
>throw open all the pens, and make a run for it?
SERVO[as Odysseus]: Yeah! Let's do that!
MIKE: Ow! Stop!
CROW: C'mere!
>We'll drive the kids
CAMBOT: to school.
MIKE: Crow, cut it out!
[Mike throws Crow out of his seat.]
>and lambs aboard. We say
>put out again on good salt water!'
[By now the othe bots aren't paying attention to the epic and are looking at
Mike and Crow fighting.]
>Ah, how sound that was! Yet I refused. I wished
>to see the cave man, what he had to offer-
>no pretty sight, it turned out, for my friends.
[Crow jumps on top of Mike who starts whining.]
MIKE: Ow, ow, ow! Get off!
>We lit a fire, burnt an offering,
>and took some cheese to eat; then sat in silence
>around the embers, waiting. When he came
>he had a load
SRVO[focusing his attention back on The Odyssey]: Oh, great. LeFarge is with
him!
>of dry boughs on his shoulder
>to stroke his fire at suppertime. He dumped it
>with a great crash into that hollow cave,
>and we all scattered fast to the far wall.
>Then over the broad cavern floor he ushered
>the ewes he meant to milk.
[Mike drags Crow out of the theater. Gypsy, Cambot, and Servo focus back on
The
Odyssey.]
>He left his rams
>and he-goats
SERVO[heroish]: I am the mighty He-Goat!
>in the yard outside, and swung
>high overhead a slab of solid rock
>to close the cave.
SERVO: Oh, no. It's the Eegah predicament.
>Two dozzen four-wheeled wagons,
GYPSY: Ancient Greek sport utility vehicles.
>with heaving wagon teams, could not have stirred
>the tonnage of that rock from where he wedged it
>over the doorsill.
CAMBOT: I found that out later while talking to Mr. Clops.
>Next he took his seat
>milked his bleating ewes.
SERVO: So, when's he gonna notice the fire burning with all the little people
around it?
>A practiced job
>he mad of it, giving each ewe her suckling;
>thickened his milk, then, into curds and whey,
GYPSY: Now Rob's translating Mother Goose rhymes!
>sieved out the curds to dip in whithy baskets,
>and poured the whey to stand in bowls
>coolng untill he drank it for his supper.
>When all these chores were done, he poked the fire,
>heaping on brushwood. In the glare he saw us.
CAMBOT: He couldn't see them in clear sight, but make him look through a
glaring fire and he's got 20/20 vision?!?
SERVO: More like 20 vision, Cambot.
[Mike and Crow come back into the theater, bur Mike's hair is messed up and
Crow's left arm and his lacrosse net are gone.]
MIKE: Sorry about that.
CROW: It's okay, Mike.
>'Strangers,' he said, 'who are you? And where from?
SERVO: We're refugees from the Gulf.
>What brings you here by seaways-a fair traffic?
[Servo, Crow, and Cambot make honking noises.]
>Or are you wandering rouges,
MIKE[as Cyclops]: If so where is your squadron?
>who cast your lives
>like dice, and ravage other folk by sea?'
SERVO: If so, you win one million dollars!
>
>We felt a pressure on our hearts,
GYPSY: Probably because the Cyclops sat on us.
>in dread
>of that deep rumble and that mighty man.
>But all the same I spoke up in reply:
>
SERVO[as Odysseus]: Get bent!
>'We are from Troy, Achaeans, blown off course
>by shifting gales on the Great South Sea;
SERVO: They're on Mobius!
>homeward bound,
CROW: First Out to Sea, now Homeward Bound? What is this?
>but taking routes and ways
>uncommon;
MIKE: He refuses to ask for directions.
>so the will of Zeus would have it.
>We served under Agamemnon,
ALL: Gesunthiet.
>son of Atreus-
>the whole world knows what city
>he laid waste, what armies he destroyed.
MIKE[announcer]: If you did not read "The Illiad", then you are totaly
clueless by now.
>It was our luck to come here; here we stand,
>beholden for your help, or any gifts
>you give-as custom is to honor strangers.
GYPSY: He's trying to teach the Cyclops social etiquette.
>We would entreat you, great Sir, have a care
>for the gods' courtesy; Zeus will avenge
>the unoffending guest."
CROW[as Odysseus]: In other words; be nice to us, or Zeus will poke your eye
out!
>
>He answered this from his brute chest, unmoved:
CAMBOT: His chest answered for him.
>
>'You are a ninny,
[All snicker.]
>or else you come from the other end of nowhere,
MIKE: How is that possible?
>telling me, mind the gods! We Cycolpes
>care not a whistle for your thundering Zeus
>or all the gods in bliss; we have more force by far.
>I would not you go for fear of Zeus-
>you or your friends-unless I had a whim to.
>Tell me, where was it, now, you left your ship-
>around the point, or down the shore, I wonder?'
GYPSY: Where else would you put a boat?
>
>He thought he'd find out, but I saw through this,
>and answered with a ready lie:
SERVO[as Odysseus]: It's at the dock. D'oh!
>
>'My ship? Poseidon Lord, who sets the earth a-tremble,
CROW: I thought Poseidon was god of the sea?
MIKE: He's also god of earthquake.
CROW: Oh. Huh?
>broke it up on the rocks at your land's end.
SERVO: Where Ator lives.
>A wind from seaward served him, drove us there.
>We are survivors, these good men and I.'
>
>Neither reply nor pity came from him,
>but in one stride he clutched at my companions
>and caught two in his hands like squirming puppies
[Cambot does a dog whimpering sound, which is quite good because he has access
to all the Satelite's SFX.]
MIKE[to Cambot]: That's cheating. You have to do it yourself.
CAMBOT: Sorry. I'm new here.
>to beat their brains out, splattering the floor.
CROW: The Cyclops moonlights as a schoolyard bully.
>Then he dismembered them and made his meal,
>gaping and crunching like a mountain lion-
>everything: innards, flesh, and marrow bones.
>We cried aloud, lifting our hands to Zeus,
>powerless, looking on at this, appalled;
MIKE: What do you expect? He's a towering one-eyed monster!
>but Cyclops went on filling up his belly
>with manflesh and great gulps of whey,
>then lay down like a mast among his sheep.
SERVO: His performance is so wooden. Hah, ha!
>My heart beat high now at the chance of action,
>and drawing the sharp sword from my hip
CAMBOT: ...where it was lodged, causing much pain.
>I went
>along his flank to stab him where the midriff
>holds the liver. I had touched the spot
>when sudden fear stayed me:
GYPSY: "Sudden fear stayed him"? What's that all about?
MIKE: It's that thing where you know you should move to save yourself, but the
author
won't let you.
GYPSY: Oh.
>if I killed him
CAMBOT[mater-of-factly]: He would die.
>we perished there as well, for we could never
>move his ponderous doorway slab aside.
SERVO[advertiser]: Ponderous doorway stones: They think a lot. From the same
company that brought you the Invisible Screen Saver. It won't alter the screen
appearance at
all so you'll always know what application you were on.
>So we were left to groan and wait for morning.
[All groan and say things like: "I don't wanna go to shcool today, mommy."
and
"This cheesburger is cold. Whaaaaaa!"]
>
>When the young Dawn with fingertips of rose
ALL: Huh?
>lift up the world,
>the Cyclops built a fire and milked his sucklings to the mothers. Then,
>his chores being all dispatched,
GYPSY: He sent all his chores out to sea?
>he caught
>another brace of men to make his breakfast,
MIKE: Unfourtunately, none of them knew how to cook.
>and whisked away his great door slab
>to let his sheep go through-but he, behind,
>reset the stone as one would
CAMBOT: ...push a reset button.
>cap a quiver.
>There was a din of whistling as the Cyclops
>rounded his flock to higher ground, then stillness.
>And now I pondered how to hurt him worst,
>if but Athens granted what I prayed for.
>Here are the means I thought would serve my turn:
SERVO: A roll of duct tape, twelve malt liquor labels, and a sponge.
>
>a club, or staff, lay there along the fold-
>an olive tree, felled green and left to season
>for Cyclops' hand. And it was like a mast
CROW: If an olive tree was left in a cave wouldn't it die?
>a lugger of twenty oars, broad in the beam-
>a deep-sea-going craft-might carry:
>so long, so big around, it seemed. Now I
>chopped out a six foot section of this pole
SERVO: No, it's a *tree*, Odysseus, a *tree*.
>and set it down before my men, who scraped it;
>and when they had it smooth, I hewed again
>to make a stake with pointed end.
GYPSY: Oh, how nice. They're making a toothpick for the Cyclops.
>I held this
>in the fire's heart
MIKE: Where it quickly burned to ashes.
>and turned it, toughening it,
>then hid it, well back in the cavern, under
>one of the dung piles in profusion there.
ALL: Eeeeeeeewwwwwww!
>Now came the time to toss for it: who ventured
>along with me?
CROW: To where?
>whose hand could bear to thrust
>and grind that spike in Cyclops' eye, when mild
>sleep had mastered him?
CAMBOT: Hey! There should be a capital W in front of that
question.
>As luck would have it,
>the men I would have chosen won the toss-
SERVO: Then why didn't you just choose them instead of tossing a coin?!?
>four strong men, and I made five as captain.
MIKE: One of his crewmembers is named Five?
>
>At evening came the shepherd with his flock,
GYPSY: What about the Cyclops?
>his wolly flock. The rams as well this time,
>entered the cave:
MIKE: He left the rams out there all day yesterday?
>by some sheepherding whim-
>or a god's bidding-none were left outside.
>He hefted
ALL: Eeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwww!
[Mike plugs his nose.]
>his great boulder into place
>and sat him down
CROW: sat him*self* down.
SERVO: This translation is so clumsy.
>to milk the bleating ewes
>in proper order,
GYPSY: This guy just loves to milk his animals!
>put the lambs to suck,
CROW: Why are you dissin' the lambs? They haven't done anything bad!
>and swiftly ran through all his evening chores.
>Then he caught two more men and feasted on them.
MIKE: So he but tablecloths on them and laid all his food on them and ate off
them?
>My moment was at hand, and I went forward
>holding an ivy bowl of my dark drink,
>looking up, saying:
Crow: Bite me.
>'Cyclops, try some wine.
Servo[as Hugo]: I want some wine.
Mike[as The Great Vorelli]: No, Hugo, you ugly little cocroach-infested dummy.
>Here's the liquor to wash down your scraps of men.
CAMBOT[as Odysseus]: In fact, would you like some more men? Here's a few guys
that pushed
me overboard back at Troy...
>Taste it, and see the kind of drink we carried
>under our planks.
MIKE[as the Cyclops]: Your ship was sunk, but you had enough time to get
that huge barrel of wine? Okay, I'll buy that.
>I meant it for an offering
>if you would help us home. But you are mad,
>unbearable, a bloody monster! After this,
>will any other traveler come to see you?'
CROW: After I said this, he promptly ate me.
Mike and the 'Bots leave the theater.
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