(MSTing) "the time i met wil wheaton"
Joe Coughlin
website last night and I was inspired to write it. For more info on
the circumstances surrounding it, go to my LiveJournal at
http://jcoughlin.livejournal.com
In the not too distant future...
(Satellite of Love. Tom Servo and Crow are watching TV.)
Mike: Hey, fellas. Whatcha watching?
Servo: Oh, just this old episode of "Star Trek: The Next Generation".
Mike: Oh yeah? Which one?
Crow: The one where the Enterprise is about to blow up, but Wesley
Crusher and Geordi come up with an elegant, yet improbable solution to
the problem which, of course, works.
Mike: Huh. Well, that narrows it down to...um...well, no, it doesn't
narrow it down at all.
Servo: Come on, Mike. It's the episode where Worf tells the captain
that they have to fire on the enemy first! You know the one!
Crow: Yeah, the one where Troi collapses because she's feeling too
much?
Mike: Nope, not helping. (Light flashes) Gee, who could that be at
this hour? Hello?
(Deep 13)
Dr. Forrester: Hello, Mike. It's me!
(SOL)
Mike: What the- you're dead!
(Deep 13)
Dr. Forrester: Dead? Nah, I feel fine. In fact. I feel so great that
I'm going to show you my latest evil invention.
(Camera pulls back to reveal a cardboard cutout of a young Wil
Wheaton)
Dr. Forrester: Like it? It's my latest and greatest. It's
actor/author/BBC correspondent/ninja Wil Wheaton. I call it the "Stand
By Me Standee". Look. He even talks.
Wheaton Standee: "Suck my big fat one, you cheap dime store hood"
(SOL)
Mike: How are you going to take over the world with that?
(Deep 13)
Dr. Forrester: Who said I was going to take over the world with this?
Getting over a case of death is expensive, Mike. Especially when you
don't have health coverage. No, this is a capital building engine.
According to my library of "Tiger Beat", the kids today love the Wil
Wheaton.
(SOL)
Servo: I hate to break it to you, Clay, but you might want to take a
look at the date on that issue...
Crow: Besides, what are you doing with Tiger Beat magazine?
(Deep 13)
Dr Forrester (looks up from magazine, mouth open wide): Never mind
that, Benny and the Jerks! Oh, have I got something special for you!
It's a little something cooked up by a fellow who goes by the name of
"Bird". Seems he's got an ax to grind with young Master Wheaton. Fresh
pain, Mikey-poo!
(Forrester looks at the Wheaton Standee)
Dr Forrester: You never did look anything like Richard Dreyfuss.
(Back to the SOL, lights flashing, alarms sounding)
Mike: Oh no, we've got bitter fanboy sign!
(Doors...6...5...4...3...2...1)
>the time i met wil wheaton
Servo: A one act play...
Mike: (as Chris Farley) 'member that time you met Wil Wheaton? Tha-
that was awesome!
>I went to this Star Trek convention in Pasadena a while back, and
> Wil Wheaton was there signing autographs.
Crow: I was working the daywatch out of Fannet. My partner is JJ. My
name is Bird...I'm a fanboy.
All: DUM DA DUM DUM!
> For those of you who don't know >who he is, he was a child actor
>who is perhaps best known for playing Wesley Crusher on "
>Star Trek: The Next Generation", the son of Dr. Beverly Crusher.
Mike: And as far as I can tell, never convicted of anything.
Crow: What an accomplishment!
Servo: I'm so glad he added that Wesley was the son of Dr Beverly
Crusher. Because before that, I was so lost!
> He was written out of the show in the third or fourth season,
>and now he's nothing but a bad memory to us Star Trek
>fans.
Crow: Us Star Trek fans? Is he the spokesman of Trek fans everywhere
now?
Servo: (clears throat) As fans, we have been aware of the existence of
Enterprise and we have come to the conclusion that T'pol is indeed
hot.
Crow: Mr. Spokesman! Mr. Spokesman! Do you have any comment on the
more naked people on Trek initiative?
> He must have really annoyed the hell out of the producers of the
>show, because he was supposed to have a speaking part in STAR TREK:
>NEMESIS, but they cut out all his scenes, reducing it to a
>blink-and -you-miss-it cameo.
Crow: Yeah, so pissed they wrote him into the movie in the first
place.
Mike: (as producer) Man, I hate him so much, I'm gonna give him money
to hang out with us for a few days.
Servo: Yeah, that's annoyance right there.
> He's still popping up
Servo: (Make Pop Up Video "pop up" sound)
Mike: Will you cut that out?
> , hosting Star Trek marathons on TV and
>appearing at conventions, but this sad sack of shit hasn't had
>any real part in Star Trek for years now.
Crow: How many episodes of Star Trek has the sad sack who wrote this
been in?
> Years.
Servo: So? Nimoy hasn't been in Star Trek for 12 years.
Crow: Years.
> This is a young man, too. These are prime working years for an actor.
Mike: (as Bird): And I should know all about actors, too. I watch them
on TV all the time!
>If the producers felt they had anything at all, they would have found
>a way to incorporate him into the show by now.
Crow: Um...what show? "Enterprise"?
Servo: So, by his logic, anyone not in a Star Trek show at any given
time has a career that's over?
> But no. There is no hope for Wil Wheaton. If you saw what he
>looks like now, you'd understand why, too. He looks like utter
>shit these days. But I digress...
Mike: Bitter much?
Servo: (As Marv Albert) YES!
>So at this Star Trek convention in Pasadena, I approached
>Wil Wheaton for an autograph. He obliged, and I got to to talk
> to him for a few minutes.
Crow: Whoa! How often do you wait in line for an autograph from
someone you think is a "bad memory" and who you apparently don't like?
Servo: Point to Mr Crow T. Robot.
>"Thanks for the John Hancock, Wil. Love the show. Big fan
>since the early days," I said, in what I thought was a polite manner.
Mike: (as Bird) Though in retrospect, I shouldn't have spit on him
when I said "Big fan".
> Wil looked up at me, and I remember his eyes looked unfriendly.
> That's the best way I can describe them.
> Unfriendly.
Servo: And I'm sure Bird was the ultimate gentleman around this person
he didn't like...
>"Cool," he said, and I could immediately tell this kid thought he was
>some kind of a big shot. This was around 1989-1990, so he was at the pinnacle of
>his career, and Mr. Wil Wheaton had a big head.
Mike: What?
Crow: Oh, Mike, didn't you know? The word cool had a different meaning
in 1989. It meant, "I hate you so much you arrogant "Young Guns"
loving jerk. Oh, and I rock and you suck, dickweed."
Mike: You learn something new every day.
>"I hear they're making a sequel to YOUNG GUNS, Wil? What do you
>think about that?" I asked, genuinely interested.
Servo: (as Bird) Wil, I'm a huge fan. You know that movie that you
weren't in? They're making a sequel! Isn't that great? No, really. I'm
genuinely interested and not being a dickweed in any way.
>"I wasn't in YOUNG GUNS," was his reply. Fucking guy. How's that for self-centered?
Crow: About as self-centered as thinking your question about "Young
Guns" was relevant or appropriate...
>"Uh.. yeah, I know. But wasn't that a cool movie? Wouldn't you like a
>part in the sequel?" I was simply trying to find a common ground between us.
> I thought a guy his age might like YOUNG GUNS. Hell, I dug it.
Mike: Sheesh, why not mention Batman while you're at it, Bird?
Crow: Though I'm sure if he ever met Michael Keaton, he'd be sure to
mention "Young Guns" and how great it was.
>"I guess. I thought YOUNG GUNS was kind of stupid, to be honest with
>you. The plot was full of holes. It was just a bunch of Brat Pack posturing and
>Billy the kid shooting and laughing, shooting and laughing. It really kind of bored
>me," Wil said, suddenly a geiser of information. Who knew he had such
>strong opinions about YOUNG GUNS?
Servo: Well, you know the old saying, "Ask someone what they thought
about 'Young Guns' and you'll get their opinion of what they thought
about 'Young Guns'."
>Wil gave me my picture back and I looked at his lousy signature,
>regretting it before the ink was even dry.
Mike: Stupid "Young Guns" hater...
> I wish I hadn't given that bastard the pleasure.
Crow: WHOA! In the middle of the convention floor in Pasedena?
> Years later, I tried selling that very autographed picture of Wil Wheaton
>on ebay. Believe it or not, I couldn't sell it because I didn't get a
>single bid!
Servo: Yeah, the eBay description was just "Stupid Jerk Picture signed
by Stupid Jerk Who Hates Young Guns"
Crow: I have no idea why anyone wouldn't have jumped at the chance
with that peppy sales pitch.
> I'm glad his career's in the toilet.
Mike: "Love, Bird"
>Wil Wheaton can presently be found being a big time nerd on his website, www.wilwheaton.net.
Mike: And Bird can be seen complaining about things that probably
didn't happen 14 years ago at www.jjandbird.com.
Servo: Okay, guys. That's it. Let's go.
(Door Sequence)
Servo: I just don't get it, guys. Why did Bird get Wil Wheaton's
autograph if he didn't like him?
Crow: I think it's because he just had to spread the Good News of
"Young Guns"
Mike: The Good News of "Young Guns"?
Crow: Oh yes, Mike, it's the latest thing. Forget Madonna and the
Kabbalah and pooh pooh to Sting and his tantric sex. "Young Guns" is
sweeping the nation. Well, Pasadena for now...but soon "THE NATION".
Mike: And what are the central tenets of Young Gunianism?
Crow: First, an almost complete lack of respect for history and those
who dare to speak ill of the Holy Duology. Second, they make it their
life's work to see that Young Guns is remade with current Hollywood
pretty boys and third, they want the character of Gil Grissom to be
replaced by Patrick Wayne.
Servo: The guy who hosted the rapping dragon version of Tic Tac Dough?
The Duke's son? Why?
Crow: They call it "The Circle of the Gun". Basically they want Wayne
to take William Petersen's job just as Petersen took the role of Pat
Garret away from him in the sequel.
Mike: That's...um...that's weird, man.
Crow: What? Weirder than the Goreans?
Mike: I'll admit, you got me there.
(Meanwhile...in Deep 13, Dr F watches CSI with cardboard Wil Wheaton)
Dr Forrester: Got that, Petersen? I'M BRUSHY BILL! I'M BRUSHY BILL!
Wheaton Standee: "Suck my fat one, you cheap dime store hood."
(Standee falls over and pushes button)
(WHOOSH!)
(Forrester laughs evilly over credits.)
MSTing by Joe Coughlin (jcoughlin.livejournal.com)
Original Text by Bird (www.jjandbird.com)
DISCLAIMERS:
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and
situations are trademarks of and (c) 2003 by Best Brains, Inc.
All rights reserved.
Use of copyrighted/trademarked material are for entertainment/parody
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or
trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. or by the creator of the material
MiSTed is intended or should be inferred.
"I wish I hadn't given that bastard the pleasure."
JoeC
***********
http://jcoughlin.livejournal.com
http://www.unrealisticexpectations.com
Joseph Nebus
>This is my first MSTing. It came about from a post on Wil Wheaton's
>website last night and I was inspired to write it.
Congratulations, Joe, and welcome to the club. I hope Web Site
Number Nine is back sometime soon so we can have it neatly archived.
>(Deep 13)
>Dr. Forrester: Hello, Mike. It's me!
>(SOL)
>Mike: What the- you're dead!
>(Deep 13)
>Dr. Forrester: Dead?
Minor haggling here: do you need to have the dicussion about Dr.
Forrester's mild case of death? If I can still be writing Joel MiSTIngs
in 2003 there's no reason yours can't simply be 'set' in the season 5-to-7
range. I pick on this only because it seems like the setup for something,
and if I haven't read it wrong, you didn't mean to set anything up; you
just wanted to have Dr. Forrester show off an evil invention.
The other nit --
>(SOL)
>Mike: How are you going to take over the world with that? [ Wheaton
Standee ]
>(Deep 13)
>Dr. Forrester: Who said I was going to take over the world with this?
>Getting over a case of death is expensive, Mike. Especially when you
>don't have health coverage. No, this is a capital building engine.
>According to my library of "Tiger Beat", the kids today love the Wil
>Wheaton.
I don't quite get how the Wil Wheatonish clone is meant to
raise capital, either. It's fine for Dr. Forrester's plans to be absurd
and impractical; if they were workable plans he wouldn't be mad. This
feels like the punch line is missing, though.
I don't mean to be excessively harsh, either, by the way; I just
want you to be confident that it was read.
>>I went to this Star Trek convention in Pasadena a while back, and
>> Wil Wheaton was there signing autographs.
>Crow: I was working the daywatch out of Fannet. My partner is JJ. My
>name is Bird...I'm a fanboy.
>All: DUM DA DUM DUM!
This joke I liked probably far out of proportion to how funny
it ``really'' is, since I've been listening to a lot of old-time radio
courtesy the American Council for the Blind's internet radio stations,
and both Dragnet and Dragnet parodies (like Jack Webb on the Bob Hope
Show) are steady fare there.
>> This is a young man, too. These are prime working years for an actor.
>Mike: (as Bird): And I should know all about actors, too. I watch them
>on TV all the time!
Quite a nice line, there.
>>"Cool," he said, and I could immediately tell this kid thought he was
>>some kind of a big shot. This was around 1989-1990, so he was at the
>> pinnacle of his career, and Mr. Wil Wheaton had a big head.
>Mike: What?
>Crow: Oh, Mike, didn't you know? The word cool had a different meaning
>in 1989. It meant, "I hate you so much you arrogant "Young Guns"
>loving jerk. Oh, and I rock and you suck, dickweed."
>Mike: You learn something new every day.
Minor glitch here -- you telegraphed the ``Young Guns'' thing.
The ``Young Guns'' stuff lifts the rant out of the ordinary and into the
bizarre land that makes really special rants, though. Nice and easy to
run with.
>>... Wil said, suddenly a geiser of information. Who knew he had such
>>strong opinions about YOUNG GUNS?
>Servo: Well, you know the old saying, "Ask someone what they thought
>about 'Young Guns' and you'll get their opinion of what they thought
>about 'Young Guns'."
That's a really good Tom Servo line, though ``their opinion of''
is redundant. I can hear Kevin Murphy saying it, though.
Joseph Nebus
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joe Coughlin
>Joe Coughlin <inturn...@comcast.net> writes:
>
>>This is my first MSTing. It came about from a post on Wil Wheaton's
>>website last night and I was inspired to write it.
>
> Congratulations, Joe, and welcome to the club. I hope Web Site
>Number Nine is back sometime soon so we can have it neatly archived.
>
Yes, me too. I miss the old place. Ah, well, at least we have Google
for now.
<snip>
> Minor haggling here: do you need to have the dicussion about Dr.
>Forrester's mild case of death? If I can still be writing Joel MiSTIngs
>in 2003 there's no reason yours can't simply be 'set' in the season 5-to-7
>range. I pick on this only because it seems like the setup for something,
>and if I haven't read it wrong, you didn't mean to set anything up; you
>just wanted to have Dr. Forrester show off an evil invention.
>
Well, the beginning was written after the rest of the story. The
original just had Dr F sending the post and they bitter fanboy line
from Mike on the SOL.
The whole thing was just something I whipped up because the MSTee's
friend had posted something on Wil Wheaton's message board about how
they were having a disagreement about Wil Wheaton. I went to the link
provided in his post and did the whole thing in about an hour. So, it
isn't as polished as it should be, but it accomplished what I wanted
it to accomplish.
People laughed.
One other thing to think about is that most of the people who read
this were unfamiliar with the concept of MSTing. In retrospect, I
should have done a Dr F/Frank thing and set it there without comment.
No need to reinvent the wheel.
> The other nit --
>
>>(SOL)
>>Mike: How are you going to take over the world with that? [ Wheaton
>Standee ]
>
>>(Deep 13)
>>Dr. Forrester: Who said I was going to take over the world with this?
>>Getting over a case of death is expensive, Mike. Especially when you
>>don't have health coverage. No, this is a capital building engine.
>>According to my library of "Tiger Beat", the kids today love the Wil
>>Wheaton.
>
> I don't quite get how the Wil Wheatonish clone is meant to
>raise capital, either. It's fine for Dr. Forrester's plans to be absurd
>and impractical; if they were workable plans he wouldn't be mad. This
>feels like the punch line is missing, though.
Well, in my mind, he was going to sell these things in "Tiger Beat" or
at Star Trek conventions. But really it was just a way to come up
with a Wil Wheaton based invention and for me to work with the
fun-sounding phrase "Stand By Me Standee".
But as I said, it was a late addition.
>
> I don't mean to be excessively harsh, either, by the way; I just
>want you to be confident that it was read.
>
No, it's very cool, man. I am glad that you did and I invite the
comments. Some of these will go towards a revision.
<snip>
>>> This is a young man, too. These are prime working years for an actor.
>
>>Mike: (as Bird): And I should know all about actors, too. I watch them
>>on TV all the time!
>
> Quite a nice line, there.
I was worried about that one, too. I didn't know if it would come
across as it played in my mind. I'm glad it worked.
>
>>>"Cool," he said, and I could immediately tell this kid thought he was
>>>some kind of a big shot. This was around 1989-1990, so he was at the
>>> pinnacle of his career, and Mr. Wil Wheaton had a big head.
>
>>Mike: What?
>>Crow: Oh, Mike, didn't you know? The word cool had a different meaning
>>in 1989. It meant, "I hate you so much you arrogant "Young Guns"
>>loving jerk. Oh, and I rock and you suck, dickweed."
>>Mike: You learn something new every day.
>
> Minor glitch here -- you telegraphed the ``Young Guns'' thing.
>The ``Young Guns'' stuff lifts the rant out of the ordinary and into the
>bizarre land that makes really special rants, though. Nice and easy to
>run with.
Good catch. The line was changed in a rewrite that happened right
before I posted it and I wasn't rewriting linearly.
>
>>>... Wil said, suddenly a geiser of information. Who knew he had such
>>>strong opinions about YOUNG GUNS?
>
>>Servo: Well, you know the old saying, "Ask someone what they thought
>>about 'Young Guns' and you'll get their opinion of what they thought
>>about 'Young Guns'."
>
> That's a really good Tom Servo line, though ``their opinion of''
>is redundant. I can hear Kevin Murphy saying it, though.
>
'tis high praise. I was just hoping that someone wouldn't point out
that Bird never asked him what he thought of Young Guns.
Still, not bad for an hour. If I put in a little time for revision, it
might be worth a chuckle. ;)