Misted: "New Mutants Volume 2 #1" (3/3)

[do...@earlham.edu]

[The crew re-enters the theater.]

MIKE: Boy, action scenes are a lot more fun to read than to
experience.
CROW: Wuss.

PAGES TWENTY-FOUR-TWENTY-FIVE:
At Stevie's place.
PANEL ONE: Teleportation flash.
PANEL TWO: The Three are in the living room. Stevie:
"Have a seat, Sam."
Sam: "Can I take my coat off now?"
Stevie: "Sure."

TOM & CROW: [hum bump & grind music]

PANEL THREE: Big panel. We see what Sam really looks
like.

MIKE: Well, what?
TOM: I get the impression that there were a bunch of
character files the Mads didn't send us. Either that or the
authors couldn't agree.
CROW: He's probably the "little grey night-flier." I'm
guessing he's really Mothra's cousin.

Sam: "Thanks. It gets really hot in that thing."

Stevie: "..."

CROW: Oh, no! The horror has reduced her to a row of three
dots!

Sam: "You'll get used to it."
Lila: "Stevie, would you like me to fix something?"

CROW: [Stevie] Yeah, start with his face.

Stevie: "Huh? Oh, sure, thanks."
Sam: "So. You were about to tell me about the school."
Stevie: "Oh...yes. Have you heard of the X-Men?"
Sam: "Yes."

MIKE: [Sam] Crappy American superhero cartoon. I watched
about fifteen minutes of it once.

Stevie: "They were based at a school in New York, called
Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters. [seeing his
expression] Okay, he was young and idealistic when he
named it.

TOM: [stentorian] But the young Charles Xavier would only
grow more arrogant as time went on...

The purpose of it was to train young mutants in the use
of their powers. His first team was the original X-Men.
His next team wasn't all teenagers, and a few years
later he organized the New Mutants.

MIKE: Boy, I'm really learning a lot here!
CROW: Mike, this is the stuff they put above the splash panel
in every issue.

They weren't supposed to be a combat team; they were
just being trained. I worked with them as their dance
teacher.

TOM: [Stevie] Xavier's goal was to bring peace between man
and mutant through the use of interpretive dance. Kind of
weird, but as long as the checks kept coming I didn't say
anything...

Anyway, the team broke up recently, and Lila and I
wanted to form another school to train mutants." (About
halfway through, Lila comes back in with a tray.)
Sam: "Okay..."
Stevie: "So, you're our first student."
Sam: "Beats staying with the RCX."
Stevie: "Oh, yes, tell us about that."

CROW: [Diana Rigg] Plot exposition, it has to go somewhere.

Sam: "They just wanted to train us to be their perfect
little operatives, with propaganda everywhere we looked.

TOM: Still the Conservative government, right?
MIKE: Oh yeah.

I saw through it, which is probably why they sent me
here."
Lila: "I bet it was Benjamin's idea..."
PAGE TWENTY-SIX:
Nova Roma. The capital.
PANEL ONE: A messenger runs up to below a balcony where
Lucius, Amara, and Manuel are hanging out.

CROW: To dry.

Messenger: "Senator Aquilla, the visitors have arrived!"
PANEL TWO: Stevie and Sam are escorted down the street,
as Lucius awaits them at the doorway. Lucius: "Ah,
hello. I am honored. Please, walk this way."
PANEL THREE: They walk up the stairs. Sam: (muttered to
self) "If I could walk that way..."

CROW: Old joke, Tom.
TOM: Old joke, Crow.

PANEL FOUR: They enter a room, with Amara, who stands
up, and Manuel. Amara: "Stevie!"

MIKE: How do we know she's standing up? These are
*stationary* panels!

PANEL FIVE: Stevie: "Hello, Amara. This is Sam, your
teammate."
Amara: "Oh...hello, Sam."

CROW: She's much more blase than Stevie, no?
TOM: Well, once you've used the bathroom after Wolverine,
other events lose much of their horror.

Sam: "Hi. Nice place."
Stevie: "I'd like to speak with the Senator and Amara
alone, if I may."
Sam: "Sure, no problem."
Amara: "Manuel, that means you, too."
PAGE TWENTY-SEVEN:
Sam is outside the capitol, looking around, for one
panel.

MIKE: [Sam] Man, I've gotta re-do my place in Late Imperial
Roman...

Empath approaches him...

CROW: [Empath] Pardon me, Sam, have you heard about what the
Lord and his insurance plan can do for you?

Empath: "Hello."

CROW: [Empath] I am Manuel de la Rocha. You looked at my
girlfriend. Prepare to die.

Sam: "Hello. You're Manuel, right?"
Empath: "Yes. You will be part of the group that Amara
is leaving with, yes?"
Sam: "Well...yeah. So?"
Empath: (eyes glowing) "Wouldn't it be better if she
stayed here...with her friends and family...where she
belongs..."

TOM: [Empath] She will not switch to Ameritech...she will
remain with MCI...

PANEL: Fairly big one as Sam punches Empath, hard, in
the jaw.

MIKE: Yes! Action scene!
TOM: Maybe this fanfic is the sort of thing those ultra-
violent Image books were reacting against. Yak yak yak.

Sam: "Get...one...thing...straight, jerk.
DON'T...TRY... TO...PLAY...WITH...MY...MIND." He storms
off.

CROW: You sort of get the impression that one author wrote
the first twenty-six pages and now the other guy took over?

Empath: (struggling to feet) (thought balloon) "That dog
has dared lay his hands on me? I swear he shall pay for
this indignity!"

TOM: I *knew* Empath was being too nice.
CROW: Fortunately, he's reverted to the stilted-talking
bastard we know and love.

PAGE TWENTY-EIGHT:
Sam re-enters the room.
Amara: "Hello. Where's Manuel?"
Sam: "Gee...he was just around a second ago..."
Empath staggers into the room.
Lucius: "Hello, Manuel. Because Amara is leaving the
city, your teacher and I thought it best that you return
to your school. Somebody will pick you up soon."
Empath: Some sort of curdled facial expression.

MIKE: "Curdled?" Interesting euphemism for "broken"...

Cut to: the Massachusetts Academy. Caption: "Interlude
Six: Afternoon in Massachusetts." Frost, in White Queen
regalia,

MIKE: Hmmm...Tom, do you still have any back issues of the
mutant books around?

addresses her assembled Hellions, in uniforms.
Frost: "I have an announcement of interest to you,
students. Apparently somebody is forming a new team of
New Mutants..."

CROW: [Emma] I have chosen to revive the Intramural Mutant
School Softball Team. Failure will be dealt with...most
harshly.
MIKE: [Hellions] No, Miss Emma, not the lash!

PAGES TWENTY-NINE-THIRTY:
Caption: "After the group is dismissed..."
The team stands around in a group.
Jetstream: "Well, what do you think of the idea of a new
Xavier's group?"
Beef: "Well, I never met da last one..."

TOM: [Beef] I'm the big, dumb one. I like bread.

Catseye: "Newfriends?"
Jetstream: "Perhaps...but please try to remember this
time that they are supposed to be our *rivals*."

CROW: So no more rubbing against their legs and purring!

Catseye looks bewildered.
Tarot is dealing out a hand of cards. Roulette, behind
her: "So, whatcha doin'?" Tarot: "I am attempting to
determine who will be in the new team, using my cards."

MIKE: Lots of Tarot usage in this comic.
TOM: "Each issue of the September mutant books will be
polybagged with a promotional all-Chromium tarot card! One
in fifty will contain the ultra-rare Death hologram
redemption card!"

Roulette: "You'd get better results breaking into her
office, y'know." We see the cards. In order:
Judgement. Queen of Pentacles. Temperance. Strength.
The Magician.

CROW: Justice, Mockingbird, Iron Man, The Hulk, and David
Copperfield?
TOM: Judge Judy, Xena, Murphy Brown, Arnold Schwarzenegger,
and the Amazing Rando?

Cut to: Stevie in her study. Caption: "Meanwhile, at
Stevie's house:"
Stevie, on phone: "Hello, may I please speak with
Amanda?"
Stevie: "Hello, Amanda?"

TOM: I don't know if you've considered how valuable a full
set of encyclopedias can be...

Stevie: "My name is Stevie Hunter. I'd like to speak
with you about some of the things you can do..."

ALL: [singing] When yoooou...do that thing you doooo...

Stevie: "I mean, your abilities."
Stevie: "Yes, that ability. I'm trying to organize a
school for mutants to learn the use of their powers, and
your name was given to us as a possibility."

CROW: [Stevie] No, we're not a cult. No, we're--hello?
Hello?

Stevie: "Well, probably Massachusetts."
Stevie: "No, we'll pay for everything. Oh, and we know
somebody in the government who could...alter your file."

MIKE: And delete all references to the "Noodle Incident," if
you know what I mean.

Stevie: "We could send you a ticket for a few days from
now."
Stevie: "Okay, I'll be in touch."
Enter Sam.
Stevie: "Well, I just recruited our next student."
Sam: "What, on the phone? What if someone listened in?"
Stevie: "Don't be silly, Sam, why would someone listen
in? Almost nobody knows about us, and I doubt anyone
would bother anyhow."
Cut to: A mysterious figure in a dark room, obviously
listening to a linetap. Mysterious figure: "Indeed."

CROW: After she's hung up? Man, that's one magic linetap!
MIKE: Is this The Mysterious Shadowy Clawed Hand, or a new
guy?
TOM: I think it's a new guy.
MIKE: Lot of shadowy mysterious strangers in this comic.
TOM: Actually, for a mutant book, it's a little sub-average.
CROW: Yeah, there's no one with a dark, mysterious past who's
named after an airport.

PAGE THIRTY-ONE:
Caption: "Interlude Seven: Evening in Manhattan"
A businessman stands at an airport desk.
Businessman: "I'd like the reserve ticket for Stone,
please."

MIKE: Stone Phillips, no!

Ticketperson: "Yes, sir. Here you go."
Businessman: "Blast! I left my briefcase. Could you
hang onto the ticket a few minutes?"
Ticketperson: "Sure."
Businessman leaves. He comes back without the briefcase
and the ticketperson gives him the ticket.
'Businessman': "Thanks, babe."

TOM: Well, obviously this is someone else. Who hasn't
appeared yet?
CROW: Trent Darnell, Lara Ventura, and Lara's Father.
MIKE: Yay, Lara's Father!
[the 'bots just look at him]
MIKE: Well, he's going to be dead soon, we might as well give
him some support.

Businessman returns with briefcase.
Businessman: "Well, where's my ticket?"
Ticketperson: "I just gave it to you, sir."
The last panel shows the 'businessman' boarding a plane
to Boston.

TOM: Next week on the X-Files...
MIKE: [Mulder] I tell you, there's a shapechanger out there
stealing peoples' Frequent Flyer Miles!
CROW: [Scully] But, Mulder, why would he do that?
MIKE: [Mulder] NEVER QUESTION ME!!!!

PAGES THIRTY-TWO-THIRTY-THREE:
Caption: "Portland, Oregon"
Lara is reading in the living room. Her father enters.
Father: "What are you doing? You know you're not
supposed to read until you're done with your homework!"
Lara: "But--"
Father: (dialogue is in Pilipino Tagalog) "<Don't give
me any backtalk! If your grades slip, you won't be able
to get into a good school!

MIKE: Uh, I changed my mind about this guy.

We came to this country so you could have the best
opportunities available! I'm working hard to pay for
your education, and this is how you repay me!>"

ALL: Booooo!

Lara: "<But-->" She looks very flustered by now.
Father: "<What did I do to deserve such an ungrateful
brat? I wanted a son, but all I got was a worthless
daughter, and a worthless *mutie* daughter at that!
I-->"

MIKE: How do you think this guy should die?

Phone rings, mercifully interrupting his monologue.

TOM: Blinded to death by the reflection off a stack of
chromium covers.

He answers the phone.

CROW: Forced to watch "Men Behaving Badly" until his face
melts.

Father: "Hello?"

MIKE: Choked to death by his own shoes.

Father: "Yes, speaking."
Father: "Yeah, what about her?"
Father: "A special school, huh?"

CROW: Now he's selling her into prostitution?
MIKE: No, he's not selling her into prostitution!

Father: "How much will it cost?"
Father: "*Full scholarship*?"
Father: "What was the name of the school?"
Father: "She can be a real problem sometimes. Can this
school maintain discipline?"

CROW: Are you *sure*, Mike?
MIKE: Geez, now he's *really* becoming unlikable...

Father: "Yeah, I think that could be arranged."
Father: "No, she can't come the phone right now. I'll
talk to her about it later."
Father: "G'bye."
Father hangs up phone. Father: "LARA!"

TOM: [Lara] One moment, Father, I'm planning your untimely
demise!
CROW: I just realized, this guy is just like Marvel Boy's
father.
MIKE: Who?
TOM: A telekinetic who killed his father. Maybe history will
pre-repeat itself.

PAGE THIRTY-SIX:
Stevie is sitting in her study. Lila enters, carrying 2
cups of tea.
Lila: "How goes the recruitment, 'o noble founder?'"
Stevie: "Well, Lara just agreed--or, rather, her father
agreed for her. I've had kids with parents like that
before in my classes.

MIKE: This week, on the "NBC Moment Of Truth Movie..."

I'll need to keep an eye on her."

CROW: The sad thing is, in the mutant books, that could be
meant literally...

Lila: "Decided on a name for the place yet?"
Stevie: "I was thinking something like 'The Charles
Xavier Memorial School for the Gifted.'"
Lila: "Isn't that a bit much?"

TOM: You're right. I'll pick a better name. How about
"Eunice?"

Stevie: "We don't have much choice. I just told one of
the parents that that's what it's called."
Lila: "What plans do you have next, then?"
Stevie: "We need to find a house--"
Lila: "I can take care of that."
Stevie: "--Some teachers, and get licensed. I figured
on Massachusetts, since it's got fairly easy
requirements.

MIKE: Clearly based on extensive research by the writers.

I need to send plane tickets, and we need to recruit our
next student."
Lila: "The psycho? Oughtta be interesting..."

MIKE: Now, is Lila the sensitive one?
TOM: [whispering] No, the loud one!

PAGES THIRTY-SEVEN-THIRTY-EIGHT:
Caption: "Final Interlude: Midnight in Massachusetts."
Emma Frost's office. The lights are dimmed,

TOM: [Emma, husky] I poured some champagne...
CROW: [Catseye] _Bubblydrink?_
MIKE: Crow!

but she reads her files in disregard for the social and
physical threat of eyestrain.

MIKE: [50's announcer] Eyestrain And You. Here we see Emma,
up late at night and reading with insufficient light.
Careful, Emma! You could go blind!

Frost: (thought) "So, they're actually going ahead with
it. Two recruits, and two more on their way. This
could prove...interesting."
Frost: (thought) "Amara could prove a weak point for
them. Manuel may still have influence over her, and she
is a known quantity, unlike the others."

TOM: Especially to the readers...

Frost: (thought) "My next order of business should be to
block them in their forward plans. Kevin could be too
great an asset to let them have...even if I can't have
him."

CROW: Really, though, doesn't Emma have "Dateline Hidden
Camera Investigation" written all over her?
TOM: [announcer] It claimed to be an exclusive private
school...but its headmistress was literally a "Head
Mistress." On the next Hard Copy...

Splash panel: Emma: (thought) "So be it, then. My next
step begins tomorrow. Beware, Stephanie Hunter, for I
am on your trail!"
Big caption at bottom: "Next issue: 'The Dull Life of an
Asylum Inmate.'"

TOM: Well, we're over the hump.
CROW: Are you sure? At this rate, the team won't be complete
until the Special Double-Sized Issue #25!

[Mike picks up Tom.]

MIKE: Yeah, but the air's laden with portent, isn't it?
CROW: Get my snorkel.

[Doors sequence. The bridge; Mike enters, flipping through
an issue of "Marvel Universe Update."]

MIKE: So, is Logan his first or last name?
TOM: You know, that's only current to the time this fanfic
was written. There've been 6 years of nonsensical
developments since then.
CROW: We haven't even mentioned "Generation X" yet...and
don't get us started on "X-Force..."
TOM: By the way, do you think the mutant books are an
extended metaphor for gay rights?
MIKE: Huh?
TOM: It's an old theory. Obviously they're about prejudice
in general, but think for a second. People aren't afraid of
supers like the Fantastic Four, who got their powers through
an accident; they're afraid of mutants, who are born into
otherwise normal families but are "different." Now, what
minority group does that match? Not a racial minority. Not
a religious minority. Obviously not a political minority.
Who does that leave? Only a sexual minority.
CROW: Hey, yeah, and don't forget that most mutants
experience "the change" around puberty...
MIKE: I dunno, though. From what I've seen, the whole "kill
the humans" vs. "can we all just get along" debate matches
the black movements of the Sixties better. Professor X as
King and Magneto as Malcolm X. Hey, "Professor X," "Malcolm
X--" that has to mean something, right?
CROW: And if we took your theory to the extreme, that would
mean that people love celebrities who become gay through
exposure to radiation!
TOM: Well, but don't forget...uh...You know that Storm and
Mirage and Iceman are all gay! And so's Element Lad!
CROW: Oh, give the old fan theories a rest. Besides, several
of the mutants are Jewish, so what does that prove?

[Light begins to flash.]

MIKE: That the only Republican mutant is the Angel? [pushes
a control]

[Deep 13. Dr. F. holds a printout, on wide greenbar paper.
Frank is in the background, made up like Neelix.]

DR. F: Enough of this banter, boobies. Let's see what our
Frank has come up with. [reads] "It was the best of times,
it was the BLURST of times?" Frank!
[KA-THUNK! groan...]
FRANK: Owie...
DR. F: Well, let's see what else there is. [flips through the
papers] "Lock hapless temp in satellite and send him Star
Trek: Voyager fanfics"..."Hire writer to produce book prequel
to 'Independence Day'"...hmmm..."An Olsen Twins Christmas..."

[SoL]

CROW: You couldn't have come up with those on your own?
MIKE: [whispering] Don't make him mad; he might forget to
send us the next issue.

[Deep 13. Frank is made up as Odo.]

DR. F: Madder than I already am, you mean? Just for that,
I'm sending you the next issue! Hold onto your hats,
fools! [KA-THUNK! groan...] Hmmm..."Purchase feeble local
public access cable program and exploit it..."

[SoL; general mayhem]

ALL: WE GOT-- [They cut off as Mike holds up his hands.]
MIKE: I always wondered; why do we always go nuts like that
when the light flashes?
TOM: I don't know; we've just always done it that way.
CROW: It's like yelling "LIVE FROM NEW YORK IT'S SATURDAY
NIGHT!" No one's really *excited* to be on SNL, it's just
tradition.
MIKE: Well, carry on then.
ALL: WE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!!

[Note: The next half will be out in a couple of days; I thought it was on
disk, but it wasn't.]

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