MiSTed: DO NOT DELETE THIS!!!

[Steve!]

Hi, everyone! This is my first MSTing, so, granted, it's probably
crappy. Please E-mail me with your comments. I just couldn't seem to
finish the entire article, so dull it was. I decided to do the opening
host segment for this, so go ahead & scroll right past it. That's what I
do on other people's & I'm not ashamed to admit it. Well, enjoy!

A flashback MSTing:
Mystery Science Theater 3000 Flashback MSTing #101 - DO NOT DELETE
THIS!!!

(Theme rolls; door sequence)

1...2...3...4...5...6...

(Everyone is in tie-dyed shirts but Gypsy, since she has no arms; Joel
is in a tie-dyed jumpsuit; Gypsy has flower pedals around her "eye";
Crow is in a daze implying that he is high)

JOEL: Oh, hi everybody. I'm Joel Robinson up here on the Sattelite Of
Love with my 3 robot buddies, Crow, Tom Servo, & Gypsy. Today is hippy
day on the SOL, because, frankly, we're all tired of wearing the normal,
drab clothes of our usual days on the job.

TOM: Uh, Joel - Crow, Gypsy, & I don't wear any clothes at all.

GYPSY: OH MY!! I'm nude!

(Gypsy rushes off the scene)

CROW: I'm not wearing any clothes right now, man.

JOEL: Crow, have you been down by the Sattelite's smoke chamber?

CROW: Uhhh- Yeah, I think so, man.

MAGIC VOICE: Incoming call from the Mads on the Hexfield Viewscreen.

JOEL: Crow! Cheese the hippy juice! It's the mads!

CROW: I thought the Mads were already here, man. Wait. I am the Mads,
man. Woah.

(Hexfield turns on to reveal Dr. Forrester & TV's Frank dressed as
beatniks; Frank has a goatee & Dr. F is smoking a cigarette in one hand
while drinking coffee in the other hand)

DR.F: Ah, we can also do the counter-culture thing too, Robinson.
Notice how stylish we are dressed as beatniks.

FRANK: Dig, Daddy-O. We is gone, cat.

DR.F: Oh, um... Make with the invention, TV's Daddy-O.

FRANK: I dig. Hold on a sec, cat.

DR.F: Well, as we're waiting, why don't you present your little
invention, Funk-Master Joel?

JOEL: Well, sirs, my invention this week has to do with the theme of
the 70's. As well all know, music had a great deal to do with what was
going on with the culture back then.

CROW: Back then? What do you mean "then", maaannn...?

SERVO: Shut up, Crow. Let the man do his stuff.

JOEL: Well, anyway, the boom-box & personal headset were quite a ways
away, & so was the tape player. So, here's my invention... It's the Sony
VinyMan!

(Joel pulls out a big record player; about 1 1/2 by 1 1/2 feet & clips
it to his belt; he then flips a switch on it & a turntable pops out)

JOEL: See? Then, you just plug in your earphones, put on your favorite
band-I've selected the Doodle-Town Pipers- and you're all set! What do
you think, sirs?

(Frank is back with a espresso machine)

DR.F: Well, Joel, our little invention also is set for who we are
dressed as, but it is more of a gag to play on the unsuspecting. Why
don't you tell 'em about it, Daddy-O Frank?

FRANK: Don't you just hate how those "cultured" yuppies try to make
everything better? I HATE that! You know, now they got their souped up
hoola hoops & their Internet, & especially Espresso.

DR.F: That's right, Frank. Anyway, we came up with an invention that
makes espresso into coffee! So, your little yuppie pal sees you have an
espresso machine, eh? Why don't you give him some? And then watch the
pained expression on his face as he realizes that it's coffee! Hah!
How's that, Joely?

JOEL: Well, sirs... Um, it's really stupid, but in a good way.

(All of the sudden, Dr. Erhardt pops up from the ground)

DR.F & E: Thank you!

DR.F: Larry? Where'd you-

DR.E: I was buried by the mole people while you were redecorating Deep
13! Thank God I finally found you! Now, I can take my old job back!

FRANK: Clay? Who's this?

DR.E: Yeah, Clay? Who is this?

DR.F: Um... Joel, this is gonna be a tough spot, so I'm send you your
E-Mail now. It's a little moneymaking ploy called "Do Not Delete This!".

DR.E: Get ready to fight, tubby!

FRANK: Why you-

(lights flashing; everyone races for cover)

ALL: Usenet sign!!!!!

DOORS: 6-5-4-3-2-1-THEATER

JOEL: Boy, that was weird. I hope everything turns out okay.

CROW: Don't worry. It should be interesting to find out who stays.

SERVO: Yeah. More interesting than this.

DO NOT DELETE THIS! MAY I PLEASE HAVE A FEW MINUTES OF YOUR TIME.

JOEL: But I've got to get to Hudson's 13 hour sale!

Dear friend,

CROW: Wait a minute. I don't even know this guy. Why am I his friend
all of the sudden?

SERVO: Well, they say a stranger is friend you haven't met. Or
something.

Do you realize hundreds of thousands of dollars are made each day by
way of the internet.

SERVO: Don't you mean wasted?

Haven't you ever thought "I wish I could find a
way to make money with my computer and my internet connection"?

JOEL: Haven't you ever thought that Carpool should have won an Oscar?

Well you can!

CROW: With Colgate!

The internet is making it possible for everyday ordinary people like
you and me to make lots of money.

JOEL: Like this here scam I'm using on you!

Many of you will read this and think
"That can't work" or "It sounds too good to be true".

SERVO: Or "I can't believe I ate the whole thing!"

But I challenge
you to discard traditional thinking and allow yourself the opportunity
to make some of those thousands of dollars that are exchanging hands
each and every hour.

CROW: In fact, discard thinking all together.

The opportunity below is no scam and is very legal.

SERVO: Legal in the sense that you live in a country with no laws or
officials.

JOEL: Boy, that sure does sound convincing!

It is a simplified
form of email marketing. The first time I saw it I deleted it
immediately.

CROW: So should you.

But the next time I saw it I figured I had nothing to lose with so very
little investment required.

JOEL: It only cost a 3rd & 4th mortgage on my house!

This is my 2nd time doing this program.
The first time I did this I made very good money.

SERVO: But the second time- Whew! See that cardboard box? That's my new
penthouse.

CROW: Yeah. You'd be suprised how many buttons I got offa this sweet
deal!

I decided to do it
again but make it even better. Please at least read this as it may be
the answer you've been looking for. You certainly have nothing to lose.

JOEL: Except for your pride, dignity, major bodily organs, & money, you
have nothing to lose!

"THREW IT AWAY"

SERVO: Well said!

"I had received this program before. I threw it away, but later
wondered if I shouldn't have given it a try.

CROW: I also wondered if my cat would make a good footstool.

Of course, I had no idea
who to contact to get a copy, so I had to wait until I was emailed
another copy of "The Program".

JOEL: Just go to the video store & rent it, stupid!

Eleven months passed, then it came. I
DIDN'T throw this one away. I made $41,000 on the first try."

CROW: At least I was TOLD I made $41,000 on the first try. Never got a
cent, lousy no good-

Dawn W., Evansville, IN

"NO FREE LUNCH"

SERVO: Ah. My school had the same policy.

"My late father always told me, 'remember, Alan, there is no free lunch
in life. You get out of life what you put into it.'

JOEL: Although he also told me that spam makes a good insulator.

Through trial and
error and a somewhat slow frustrating start, I finally figured it out.

SERVO: The more people I kill, the more room there'll be for me on this
planet!

The program works very well, I just had to find the right target group
of people to email it to.

CROW: Like suckers.

So far this year, I have made over $63,000
using this program. I know my dad would have been very proud of me."

JOEL: If only I hadn't eaten him.

Alan B., Philadelphia, PA

A PERSONAL NOTE FROM THE ORIGINATOR OF THIS PROGRAM

CROW: "DO NOT PAY ATTENTION TO THE REST OF THIS! IT WAS TYPED BY A
TOTAL LUNATIC!

By the time you have read the enclosed information and looked over the
enclosed program and reports, you should have concluded that such a
program, and one that is legal, could not have been created by an
amateur.

JOEL: Ha! It was! Take that!

Let me tell you a little about myself.

SERVO: I was a student at a small midwestern college...

I had a profitable business for
ten years.

CROW: I scammed everyone at every chance I got.

Then in 1979 my business began falling off. I was doing
the same things that were previously successful for me, but it wasn't
working. Finally, I figured it out.

SERVO: My bad breath was killing the party!

It wasn't me, it was the economy.

JOEL: Oh, sure. Blame everything on the economy!

Inflation and recession had replaced the stable economy that had been
with us since 1945. I don't have to tell you what happened to the
unemployment rate...because many of you know from first hand experience.

CROW: Anyone? Raise your hands if you do.

There were more failures and bankruptcies than ever before.

JOEL: Except for the great depression, of course.

The middle class was vanishing. Those who knew what they were doing
invested wisely and moved up. Those who did not,

SERVO: Like me, for example-

including those who
never had anything to save or invest, were moving down into the ranks
of the poor. As the saying goes, "THE RICH GET RICHER AND THE POOR GET
POORER."

CROW: Yeah, so true- Wait a minute!! I've never heard that saying!

The traditional methods of making money will never allow you
to "move up" or "get rich", inflation will see to that.

JOEL: Man, this guy is negative.

You have just received information that can give you financial freedom
for the rest of your life, with "NO RISK" and "JUST A LITTLE BIT OF
EFFORT." You can make more money in the next few months than you have
ever imagined.

SERVO: But I always think of shiny blouse buttons!

I should also point out that I will not see a penny of your money, nor
anyone else who has provided a testimonial for this program.

JOEL: You won't see it, either.

I have
already made over FOUR MILLION DOLLARS!

CROW: Did I say dollars? I meant nickels. Oh, did I say million? I
meant just plain four.

I have retired from the
program after sending out over 16,000 programs. Now I have several
offices which market this and several other programs here in the US and
overseas. By the Spring, we wish to market the 'Internet' by a
partnership with AMERICA ON LINE.

SERVO: Ah. No wonder people don't like it anymore.

Follow the program EXACTLY AS INSTRUCTED. Do not change it in any way.

JOEL: Oops.

It works exceedingly well as it is now. Remember to email a copy of
this exciting program to everyone that you can think of.

SERVO: Namely suckers.

One of the
people you send this to may send out 50,000...and your name will be on
every one of them!.

CROW: You'll be blessed with numerous hate-mails & death threats!

Remember though, the more you send out, the more
potential customers you will reach.

SERVO: Reach & then what?

So my friend, I have given you the ideas, information, materials and
opportunity to become financially independent, IT IS UP TO YOU NOW!

JOEL: Oh, I just don't know.

"THINK ABOUT IT"

CROW: Actually, don't think! Thinking is bad! we don't want you to!

Before you delete this program from your mailbox, as I almost did, take
a little time to read it and REALLY THINK ABOUT IT. Get a pencil and
figure out what could happen when YOU participate.

SERVO: Next, shove the pencil through your skull or the skull of a
loved one.

Figure out the
worst possible response and no matter how you calculate it, you will
still make a lot of money! Definitely get back what you invested. Any
doubts you have will vanish when your first orders come in. IT WORKS!

CROW: HOPEFULLY!

Paul Johnson, Raleigh, NC

REMEMBER FRIEND, THIS IS ASSUMING 1,990 OUT OF 2,000 PEOPLE YOU
MAIL TO WILL DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING... AND TRASH THIS PROGRAM!

JOEL: Like we will!

DARE TO THINK FOR A MOMENT

CROW: If you know how to.

WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF EVERYONE
OR HALF SENT OUT 100,000 PROGRAMS INSTEAD OF ONLY 2,000.

SERVO: What a bold statement!

Believe me, many people will do that and more!

JOEL: Oooooh baby.

By the way, your cost to participate in this is practically nothing.
You obviously already have an internet
connection and email is FREE!!! REPORT#3 will show you the best
methods for bulk emailing and purchasing email lists.

CROW: Now that's just plain wrong!

THIS IS A LEGITIMATE, LEGAL, MONEY MAKING OPPORTUNITY. It does not
require you to come in contact with people,

SERVO: Because we know how socially dead you are.

do any hard work,

JOEL: Because we know what a weak, lazy slob you are.

and best of all, you never have to leave the house except to get the
mail.

CROW: Just like you are doing now!!!

If you believe that someday you'll get that big break that you've been
waiting for, THIS IS IT! Simply follow the instructions, and your
dream will come true. This multi-level email order marketing program
works perfectly...100% EVERY TIME. Email is the sales tool of the
future. Take advantage of this non-commercialized method of
advertising NOW!! The longer you wait, the more people will be doing
business using email. Get your piece of this action!!

JOEL: It's time to get out of here, guys.

DOORS: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - SOL DECK

JOEL: Well, I have...nothing to say.

CROW: Yeah. That message really...uh...I don't know.

SERVO: Me either. Hmm...

(everyone just stares blankly at Cambot for a while; the mad's light
begins to blink)

JOEL: Oh....uh....The..mad's light is...uh....flashing.

SERVO: Huh. Wow.

CROW: Mmmm...

(All stare blankly at Cambot again for a while)

CAMBOT: Oh, fine! I'll get it!

(Cambot moves in & hits the button for the Mads)

CAMBOT: What do you think sirs?

(TV's Frank & Dr. Erhardt are duking it out in the background)

DR.F: Well, I think that it's about time to end this little fight. Oh
Frank! Larry!

(Frank & Larry run up to Dr. Forrester like puppies waiting for someone
to throw them a dog biscuit)

DR.F: It's time to find out which one of you will become my assistant.

(Clay takes out a big gun & aims it at them)

DR.F: Start running.

FRANK & DR.E: Aiiieee!

(They both run away; Scrotor walks up from nowhere & strangles Dr.F like
he does in the original ending of MST3K: The Movie)

DR.F: (choking)

SCROTOR: Thanks for reading Continuity Problems Theater 3000!

(The Sugar Bear from "Golden Crisp Cereal" walks on)

SUGAR: (singing) Can't get enough of that Golden Crisp!

(Sugar Bear pushes the button)

written by Steve! Seck (c) 1997 Steve!co, Inc.