MiSTed: Out of the Woods (2/7)
Bill Livingston
--------------------------------------------------------------
[Mike & the bots re-enter]
CROW: All I'm sayin' is, if a dancing bandit shows up, I'm leaving!
>
>[At 30,000 feet]
SERVO: Terror at 30,000 Feet!
> Scully closed the last of the files, her mind reeling.
CROW: The Virginia Reel?
>Mass psychosis or possession by a demon named "Bob"?
CROW: Elliot?
SERVO: Dornan?
MIKE: Dobbs?
> Scully
>shook her head-
CROW: [making cartoon sound] Aieeyaheeiieyahai!
> they shouldn't have been running around in
>the woods;
SERVO: At least not naked.
> they should've been checking the lead content of
>the local drinking water!
MIKE: Hey, who dumped all these pencils in here?!?
SERVO: That's not lead, it's graphite.
MIKE: Whatever
> Whatever really happened in Twin
>Peaks, it wasn't pretty.
CROW: Huh! That's the understatement of the post so far!
> She wondered briefly why she had
>never heard of the case of Laura Palmer, or of Special Agent
>Dale Cooper.
SERVO: Low Ratings?
> Judging by what she knew of him now, she
>realized that the Bureau must've buried him like they wished
>they could bury Mulder.
MIKE: Wouldn't that get kind of expensive after a while?
CROW: Imagine the recruiting poster: JOIN THE FBI AND GET BURIED!
SERVO: Well, as long as they got a dental plan...
> Mulder leaned over and nudged Dana's shoulder with his,
>murmuring,
MIKE: "Your feet are like ice!"
> "You don't believe it."
CROW: I sure don't!
> It wasn't a question.
>Scully shifted uncomfortably in the narrow airplane seat.
SERVO: She knew her luggage was halfway to Zambia!
> "I...I believe that crimes were committed," she
>conceded,
MIKE: Just what we wanted you to believe, muah-hah-hah!
> "but Agent Cooper's methods, his theories..."
SERVO: What, that E equals MC squared thing?
CROW: His relative thought that up.
> "He was always a bit unconventional," Mulder offered.
CROW: We got a new leader in the understatement contest!
> "Unconventional?" Scully threw up her hands,
ALL: EEEEWWWWW!!
> "Mulder,
>this guy makes YOU look like a saint when it comes to
>bending the rules."
CROW: Nah, he doesn't look a *thing* like Roger Moore!
> Mulder replied calmly, "Look Scully,
SERVO: [British accent]Yes, you, too, can look scully with this
"Amazing Discovery"
> this case is too
>extraordinary for even me to think up."
CROW: I didn't know *anything* was.
> Dana hunkered down in her seat,
MIKE: Now she's a member of the Mile-High Hunkerers club
> folding her arms, a
>little indignant. "Then why isn't it an X-file?"
> "The case was closed. Laura Palmer and Madeline
>Furgeson's killer was found to be Leland Palmer.
CROW: The guy from "LA Law"?
MIKE: No that was MacKenzie.
CROW: MacKenzie Palmer?
MIKE: Huh?
>Annie Blackburn was returned unharmed and Windom Earle was
>found dead at the place of her recovery."
SERVO: [announcer] New from Windom Earle Records, "Fresh Aire XXIV"
> "I read the official report, Mulder. But what about
>the rest of this...?"
CROW: It's a new short story by Joyce Carol Oates. Like it?
> "Those other files are transcripts of Agent Cooper's
>tapes and reports about the case. Something happened to
>Cooper in those woods, Scully,
MIKE: He got an Indian rub!
> and the Bureau did nothing."
>Mulder's eyes hardened.
SERVO: That can be painful!
MIKE: But thanks to modern medical science, a cure is on the way!
> "Just locked him away- pumped him
>full of drugs."
SERVO: Like Noriega?
CROW: No, "pumped full of", not "his bank account pumped full by"
> Scully took a deep breath and tried to think
SERVO: But failed miserably.
> less like
>an agent and more like a friend. "How did you know him?" she
>asked gently, leaning closer to Mulder.
CROW: Uh, 'scuse me, you're in my personal space, here.
> Mulder's jaw unclenched and his eyes grew misty with
>memory.
SERVO: [singing] Memories, all alone in the moonlight...
> "We were at the Academy together. He was two years
>ahead of me
SERVO: So if Mulder is in 1995, Cooper's already in 1997?
CROW: Must be a Tessarect
MIKE: Time Cop!
> and already quite a character."
> Scully glanced back through some of Cooper's
>transcripts, "I'm sure." she said wryly.
SERVO: With ham & cheese
CROW: And mayo
> Mulder shook his head. "But no one bothered to peg
>him.
MIKE: Al Bundy tried, but it didn't work!
> He was too brilliant; too "out there".
SERVO: Too low for Zero!
> He was full
>of it,
MIKE: Nope!
CROW: C'mon, please?
MIKE: It would be like taking candy from a baby.
CROW: And that's a *bad* thing?
> but he was a nice guy about it. People loved him."
SERVO: And left him.
> Scully knew all about quirky appeal. "I bet you two
>hit it off."
MIKE: Not really until the third date.
> Mulder grinned, "Actually no. I hated his guts.
>People would laugh at his ideas, laugh at him. And he was
>still the sweetest guy you ever saw."
SERVO: But inside he was churning with mad, violent thoughts
of revenge!
> Scully murmured in understanding, "Ahh, I see.
MIKE: [Austrian accent] And how long have you been dating
your mother?
> You
>hated Cooper because he was big enough
CROW: And good enough, and smart enough, and doggone it,
people liked him!
> to take the put-downs
>when a certain wet-behind-the-ears trainee wasn't?"
SERVO: [drill sgt] Trainee, your ears are wet!
MIKE: [cadet] Sorry, sir, it's where I park my gum!
> Mulder shrugged. "I was full of it back then."
CROW: Say, I...
MIKE: No!
CROW: C'mon, you're killin' me here!
> Scully
>shot him a look, which he acknowledged with a lopsided grin,
>"I *wanted* to stir up trouble, be abrasive.
MIKE: So I tore that little tag off my mattress! AND I'M GLAD!!!
> But no, that's
>not why I hated him."
> "Then I don't understand."
CROW: Don't feel alone, kid!
> Mulder's tone grew somber, "Scully, people laughed at
>Cooper and his whacked-out theories.
SERVO: Then they pelted him with rocks and garbage
> But they listened to
>him too. They trusted his instincts."
> Scully sighed and couldn't look Mulder in the eye,
CROW: *Now wait a minute!*
SERVO: Must have been a muscle spasm or something
MIKE: Maybe she's one of Jerry's kids.
CROW & SERVO: FREUNLABEN!
>"In other words, they believed- him, and not you."
> "And I never understood why until I met him."
CROW: He told me the big "Crackpot" sign I wore on my back was
putting people off.
> "I imagine you couldn't stay away from someone with his
>particular interests."
MIKE: Chablis, opera, moonlight walks on the beach...
> Mulder shook his head, "Cooper sought me out.
SERVO: With blood in his eye and murder in his heart!
MIKE: You're gettin' real dark here, pal!
>He came to talk to me about a particular theory I had proposed in
>class that had made people laugh for weeks."
CROW: [falsetto, British accent] A brontosaurus is thin at one end,
much, much thicker in the middle, and thin again at the end.
> "What did he say to you?" Scully prodded when Mulder
>fell silent.
MIKE: The silence of the hams.
> Mulder looked away from Scully's searching eyes
CROW: More independent organ movement
SERVO: EYEQUEST!
MIKE: Eyequest DSV?
>and replied quietly, "He didn't laugh.
SERVO: Flop Sweat!
> We've known each other
>ever since."
CROW: Except for a brief period when we didn't know each other again.
> Mulder's voice grew heavy with emotion. "He
>was the only person at the academy, the only person from the
>Bureau,
SERVO: The only game in town!
> who never called me 'Spooky.' " He suddenly turned
>to look at Scully once again, a spark in his eyes.
CROW: Oh my God, he's a Terminator!!
>"That is, until you came along."
> Scully gave Mulder a small smile, feeling her face
>flush at his words.
MIKE: She's the Tidy-Bowl woman!
> She suddenly realized their closeness;
>they were shoulder to shoulder, heads bent close, speaking
>in hushed tones in a virtually empty Bureau airplane.
SERVO: Just like Hoover used to do.
CROW: Yeah, she's even wearing the same dress!
>Not wanting to look into his eyes,
SERVO: Thanks to conjunctivitis
> she found herself staring
>fixedly at Mulder's lips when they began to twist into a
>smile
MIKE: [as Nicholson] Ever dance with the devil in the pale
moonlight?
> and he said half-teasingly, "I know you've thunk it,
ALL: THUNK it?!?
>but you never said it. Thanks."
SERVO: Yeah, thanks for just thunking it!
> Scully leaned away from Mulder quickly, taking a deep
>breath;
CROW: Those garlic and limburger sandwiches, phew!!
> the long flight and the altitude must be getting to
>my senses, she thought. She reached out and patted Mulder
MIKE: And gave him a Scooby-Snack!
CROW: Rokay, Raggy!
>on the arm, turning to look at him at last, only to find him
SERVO: A putrid and decaying zombie!
MIKE: That's much too dark, Tom, cut it out!
SERVO: Wuss!
>staring out of the window. "Fasten your seatbelt, Scully,"
CROW: [as Bette Davis] It's going to be a bumpy night!
>he said, letting his voice twang with mock enthusiasm,
>"we're landing in Watmok, Arizona,
MIKE: What, mock Arizona? I'd never do that!
SERVO: You're not Public Enemy.
> home to Raven Hill, the
>best little federal correctional facility this side of the
>Rockies."
CROW: YEEEE-hah!
> "Mulder..." Scully began.
CROW: Uma. Uma, Mulder!
MIKE: Wanna buy a monkey?
SERVO: mmmmMMMMMMMONKEEEEEEEEEEEYYY!!!
> Mulder turned to look at
>her, a twinkle in his eyes. She sat up straight and somehow
>remained composed.
SERVO: Better than being decomposed, heh heh heh!
MIKE: That's it! [grabs Tom and turns him upside down]
SERVO: HEY!!! MM-MM-MMMMMPHH!!
> "You are, by far, the strangest man I
>have ever known."
CROW: Has she met David Lynch yet?
SERVO: MPH-MM-MNMNM-FFMMFPH!!!!
> Mulder wasn't fazed a bit. "Just you wait Agent
>Scully, because you're about to meet
CROW: Your maker?
> Dale Cooper." His
>voice lowered conspiratorially, "He's a living, breathing,
>walking X-file."
MIKE: Although he'd rather be a living, breathing, walking Slider!
SERVO: NPHFFFMMMM!!! MMMGMM NNFN MMMM!
MIKE: You gonna stop?
SERVO: FFMNFFFMMM!
MIKE: Okay [turns Tom back up right!].
SERVO: PFFFT! PFFT! Say, Mike, did you lose a quarter?
>
>
>[Arizona highway 34. 3:45 PM]
SERVO: [singing] On a dark desert highway -
>Scully watched with wry amusement as Mulder's head
CROW: Popped off his neck and rolled across the floor
MIKE: Don't YOU start too!
>bumped against the jeep door, rudely jolting him awake. He
>blinked hard and ran a hand through his dark tousled hair.
CROW: Now he's running his hand!
SERVO: He's just letting his fingers do the walking.
CROW: DOH!
> "Are we there yet?" he asked groggily.
MIKE: Keep asking that, young man, and I'll turn this posting
around right now!
CROW: Oh, keep asking, keep asking!
> Scully, wide awake and a little carsick,
CROW: No more marshmallow and green bean pizza before flying!
answered
>shakily through the jostling of the vehicle.
> "No. Not yet. We've got about 30 miles to go Mulder,
SERVO: Hey, we can go Mulder the next 30 miles.
ALL: MULDER! MULDER! MULDER! MULDER! MULDER! MULDER!
>which at this rate means another hour." The jeep jumped
>again roughly, causing Dana to wince.
CROW: Wather, Wince, Wepeat.
> She gripped the door
>handle as Mulder scrunched down on his side of the car to
>try and fall asleep again.
SERVO: Wouldn't he be more comfortable in the car than on the side?
MIKE: Yeah, but he's a manly man!
> She made a rapid decision that
>if she couldn't rest, neither could he.
CROW: Oh, real mature there, Scully!
> "Mulder..."
> "Hmm?"
CROW: [as Scully] Y'ever wonder about life and the universe and stuff?
> "Mulder, what do you hope to find?"
SERVO: Some sleep, so buzz off!
> Mulder sat up best he could in the small jeep and
>pursed his lips.
MIKE: It matches his shoes.
> "I hope to find Cooper exactly like I saw him last," he
>replied curtly.
SERVO: Hey, great Cobain impression!
> "Which was like?"
MIKE: No, unlike.
> "Mad as a hatter and possessed by an evil spirit named
>Bob."
CROW: Crane?
SERVO: Hope?
MIKE: Gertmer?
SERVO: Who?
MIKE: Oh, he's a guy I knew in high school.
> Scully's brain began turning over the facts.
CROW: Soon it was a nice crispy brown.
>"You don't really think...
SERVO: Not if he can help it!
> never mind, let me rephrase that."
>Scully held Mulder's challenging gaze with her won.
CROW: With her won? What the Sam Hill is that?
SERVO: Maybe it's short for Wonder Bread.
MIKE: Or won-ton.
SERVO: Or Won-Ton-Ton, the Dog who saved Hollywood.
>"You think an evil spirit named Bob has taken over the body of
>Dale Cooper?"
CROW: Yep, pretty much. You?
> "No, I think that Bob used to inhabit the body of Dale
>Cooper- and is now on the loose in someone else's body.
SERVO: Rush Limbaugh
CROW: Oh, he must be bringing a *lot* of friends!
>To be sure, I have to see Cooper."
> "What have they done to him?"
MIKE: They've made him better than he was - better, stronger, faster!
SERVO: [hums theme from "$6,000,000 Man"]
> Mulder sighed. "At first they tried to study his
>behavior. 全pecialists' were called in, quietly.
CROW: [whispering] Here, specialists, c'mere fellas!
> I hadn't
>seen Coop in about two years, though we had kept tabs on
>each other after he graduated from the Academy. When they
>brought him back from Twin Peaks, Trent found out about it
>and sent me to find out what had happened.
SERVO: That was their first mistake!
> They had already
>worked on him best they could- when I saw him, they had him
>pumped full of drugs and he was nearly comatose."
CROW: Yeah, and he's supposed to go onstage in less than 10 minutes!
> Scully had read the files and believed it possible that
>Agent Cooper could have been so identified with the killer
>to *become* the killer...just as she didn't believe that
>Jack was ever 叢ossessed' by the spirit of Dupre.
CROW: Now wait, is Dupre from "Peaks" or "Files"?
MIKE: Well, um...
SERVO: So Cooper is possessed by Dupre and becomes Mulder?
CROW: Nonono, Jack is really Scully, and Bob and Trent join forces
to, uh...
MIKE: Maybe we better do an org chart when the experiment's over.
> But what
>else fit the facts?
CROW: *NOW* she's worried about facts?
> She studied Mulder's face. "What did
>you do?"
SERVO: I panicked!
> Mulder continued to hold her gaze intently.
MIKE: "Mustn稚...let go...of...gaze!"
> "What do
>you think I did?"
SERVO: The Mamushka!
> Scully replied cautiously, "I...don't know. Hypno-
>regression therapy? I take it nothing worked."
> Mulder was unflinching.
CROW: Does this bother you? I'm not touching you. Does this bother you?
> "From all accounts and
>evidence, a spirit of hostile nature inhabited the mind and
>body of special Agent Dale Cooper..."
SERVO: Spiro Agnew
MIKE: Bobby Knight
CROW: F. Lee Bailey
MIKE & SERVO: YUUCKKK!
> The truth dawned upon Scully. "Mulder! You didn't..."
> "I did," Mulder replied, with defiance.
SERVO: You didn't!
CROW: I did!
SERVO: DIDN'T!
CROW: DID!
SERVO: DIDN'T!!
CROW: DID!!
SERVO: DIDN'T!!!
CROW: DID!!!
MIKE: You kids play nice, or I'll take Bob away from both of you!
> Scully felt her jaw sink lower, "You performed an
>exorcism."
SERVO: The devil you say!
> Mulder shrugged. "Tried to. Cooper's head wasn't
>spinning 喪ound so it was -difficult- convincing the brass
>that it would be a potentially therapeutic procedure."
CROW: Yeah, but once he started hurling split-pea soup...
> "Wha happened?"
MIKE: Hey, she's punch-drunk!
> She hated to admit this to herself,
>but this was getting more and more interesting- and more
>bizarre- by the second.
CROW: Well, she's *half* right.
> "It was the first of many delightful conversations with
>Bob."
SERVO: Here, on "A&E Biography"
> "conversations with Bob."
MIKE: She's still groggy, cause she forgot her capitalization rules!
CROW: maybe she just thinks she's e.e. cummings.
SERVO: Or Bob Cummings.
> Scully couldn't help but be
>skeptical, primly lacing her fingers together.
MIKE: Oh, darn this Krazy Glue!
> "You mean
>you spoke to Cooper who thought he was a serial killer named
>腺ob'."
CROW: No, it was Dupre, who thought he was Agent Cooper!
SERVO: No, it was Agent Trent, who though he was Sculder!
> "What have I been telling you?
MIKE: I'm sorry honey, were you saying something?
> I wasn't speaking to
>Cooper. I was speaking to Killer Bob. We had quite a few
>sessions together until he stopped talking to me. I think I
>made him angry."
> "How?"
CROW: I charged time and a half after the first hour.
> "Cooper's profile on Bob suggested strongly that Bob
>fed on negative emanations: fear, hatred, death..."
SERVO: Soundgarden videos
> "So you didn't give him the pleasure?"
CROW: No, I kept it all for me, me, *me*!
> Mulder dead-panned, "Scully, I can be a cold fish when
>I wanna be."
SERVO: Why would he wanna be?
CROW: Just for the halibut!
SERVO: DOH!!
> Dana lost her opportunity to retort to that remark as
>the jeep hit another pothole.
CROW: And careened down an embankment.
> She straightened her now
>unruly hair with her hand. "So the fax you received was
>from Cooper/Bob..."
> Mulder flashed a small smile, "Hey, I like that:
>CooperBob!"
MIKE: CooperBob
CROW: Here!
MIKE: JohnsonHank
SERVO: Here!
MIKE: SheltonLarry
CROW: Oh, I'm out today, tee-hee-hee!
MIKE: Very funny, Mister SheltonLarry!
> "...why would he let you know that he had, assuming
>that he is a,"
MIKE: Braves fan?
CROW: Waiter?
SERVO: Extra in a summer-stock production of "Carousel"?
> Scully rolled the words around in her mouth
>as if she were trying to get used to the taste,
SERVO: [announcer] New WORDS! In spearmint, cinnamon, and
now, delicious honey-lemon!
> "a non-
>living entity, that he had left Cooper's body? Why give
>himself away like that?"
MIKE: VOLUME VOLUME VOLUME!
> "Consider Bob you typical serial killer, Scully."
CROW: Hey, he just called her a typical serial killer.
SERVO: Maybe she is.
CROW: Eh, ya seen one blood-soaked gorefest, ya seen 'em all!
> "Sure, if I ever considered host-hopping evil spirits
>that come out of the forest part of a typical profile!" she
>blurted.
SERVO: Doesn't everybody?
> "Bob isn't from the forest," Mulder explained
>patiently. "He came from the Black Lodge.
CROW: Bob's a Mason?
MIKE: Maybe he's a Shriner!
CROW: That'd be cool! Then he could wear one of those funny hats and
ride around on a little motorcycle before hack-killing!!
> Not a good place
>to grow up in, from what I've heard."
> "So you're saying that Bob is the result of a
>dysfunctional family?" Scully remarked sarcastically.
MIKE: Yeah, he became an evil murdering disembodied entity because
his dad wouldn't take him to see the Packers play the Lions!
> "No, I'M the result of a dysfunctional family, Scully.
ALL: SURPRISE!
>BOB is an essence of evil that does not belong on this
>earth.
CROW: He's Kato Kaelin!
> And according to my profile, Bob like to target
MIKE: Bob like to target. Bob target good.
>those people who antagonize him; people who are familiar
>with his host. That way, he maximizes the terror he gets
>when he makes them his victims."
CROW: And passes the savings on to you!
> "You aggravated Bob, so now that he's 双ut', he wants
>to get you?"
> "Yeah."
MIKE: He's mad because he was outed?
SERVO: Well now at least he can live a life free of deception
CROW: And marry Keanu Reeves or David Geffen
SERVO: Who aren't dead
CROW: Neither is George Burns
MIKE: You guys ever hear of beating a dead horse?
CROW: I bet if it was George Burns' horse it wouldn't be dead.
> The conversation and the jolting car were giving Scully
>a monster headache.
SERVO: But mostly just the conversation
> She rubber her temples and mumbled,
CROW: Hey, she's got a steel-belted temple!
>"How does Bob do this body switching thing anyway?"
> "It seems that the host victim must die before
>transference occurs.
MIKE: There are still a few kinks to iron out in the process
> Weak spirits are vulnerable to him as
>well, I believe. So if we run into him...don't worry, be
>happy."
CROW: DON'T WORRY BE HAPPY?!?! That's the advice FBI agents
dispense these days?? DON'T WORRY BE HAPPY?!?
MIKE: Well, it beats "brood despairingly".
CROW: SHEESH!
> "Cooper isn't dead, Mulder. How could Bob have sent
>you that fax?"
SERVO: He used Sprint!
> Mulder shook his head slowly, "Something must have
>happened. We'll just have to see."
CROW: Boy, these FBI guys are investigative geniuses!
> The jeep was slowing to pass through a gate checkpoint
>that led to a small pillbox of a building,
SERVO: Let's see, Valium, Prozac, Ritalin...
> seemingly the
>only erect structure for miles around.
CROW: Say, not from where I'm...
MIKE: You're doing it again!
Scully squinted
>through the swirling desert dust, glad that the car ride was
>over, at least.
SERVO: Now she's ready for the log flume
> "I can hardly wait," she replied.
MIKE: It's the third door on the left.
>
> Raven Hill was not your typical federal prison.
CROW: [In German accent] No vun haz effer escaped from zis Stalag!
>Located out in the harsh Arizona desert, the facility was
>contained within Raven Hill, literally. A completely
>underground compound, Raven Hill was considered the most
>secure detention option in the States.
MIKE: I'm sorry Billy, you were caught passing notes in class, so I'm
afraid it's solitary confinement for you.
> Touted as being
>futuristic in their policies and methods, Raven Hill was
>basically designed to scare the shit
ALL: HE-E-EYY!!
> out of potential
>criminal offenders. Mulder believed the place was an
>abomination.
CROW: Only snowmen should be there?
> "'Invasion of the Mole Men',"
CROW: "The Killer Shrews"
SERVO: "Fugitive Alien"
MIKE: "Alien from LA"
> Mulder murmured to Scully
>as heavy double doors blossomed open from the ground,
SERVO: *Weird* plant life!
> like
>the hatch to a missile silo, revealing two heavily armed and
>clothed guards
CROW: Only the heavily armed guards can be clothed.
> standing on the elevator platform, wearing
>goggles to protect their eyes from the blowing sand. The
>place had a definite military feel to it.
MIKE: Maybe it's all those soldiers.
> Led by Warden
>Eggart, a stout and weather-beaten individual
SERVO: "Weather-beaten" means he didn't know enough to
come in out of the rain!
> whose face was
>covered by enormous mirrored aviator sunglasses,
CROW: Making breathing and eating difficult in the extreme
> the agents
>stepped onto the platform with their escorts.
MIKE: Now you kids be home by 10:00
> The lift
>began its descent with a hum, the hatch closing overhead,
>the last of the natural light giving way to fluorescence.
>The lift rapidly picked up speed.
SERVO: [as Dennis Hopper] You're on an elevator wired to explode
if goes below 50 mph! Whattaya do, Jack, whattaya do?!?
> Scully breathed in the
>cool, not unpleasant filtered air and addressed the silent
>warden in a friendly attempt at conversation.
> "So this is the only entrance to the facility?"
MIKE: Yes, and you'll never see it again!
> "Yes, Ma'am. Even supplies come through this
>checkpoint." Scully thought she detected a glimmer of emotion on
>Eggart's face and tried again, "How far down are we going?"
SERVO: TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH!!
> "About five stories down," he replied, still staring
>straight ahead.
CROW: People always stare straight ahead on elevators.
MIKE: It's a rule from the Federal Elevator Authority!
> The lift halted smoothly, revealing a huge metal gate
SERVO: With a sign saying "Abandon Hope All Ye That Enter Here"
>and a control room behind glass beyond. A figure moved in
>the booth and an intercom crackled overhead. The warden
>ID'd himself and the agents, and the gate rose slowly.
MIKE: [as Lurch] You rang?
>The escorts took up posts next to the narrow exit of the lift.
CROW: I wonder what newsgroup they're posting to?
SERVO: soc.guards.prison ?
MIKE: alt.support.neckless ?
CROW: rec.hurt.owie.owie.owie?
>A man in a lab coat approached them; Scully noticed with
>surprise that the man carried a weapon.
CROW: Well, I know I'm shocked that someone working in a prison
would go armed!
MIKE: If guns are guarded, only guards will have guns.
> "Good afternoon Agent Mulder, Agent Scully.
SERVO: Agent Orange
> I'm Dr.
>Leighton. Cooper will be brought to the holding room at
>once. If you will follow me?"
SERVO: Come wiz me to ze Coop-ah!
> They were led down a stark hallway to an observation
>room that contained only a small table and three chairs.
CROW: And a banana tied to the ceiling.
> The
>large two-way mirror looked into a chamber with padded walls
>and a gruesome-looking chair which sported thick nylon
>straps and a head brace.
SERVO: It's Madonna's rumpus room!
> Scully sat down, but Mulder asked Dr. Leighton, "May I
>go with them? I'd like to see Cooper before you move him."
MIKE: If he's broken, I'm not buying.
> Dr. Leighton nodded, motioning to Warden Eggart and the
>guards. Mulder touched Scully's shoulder briefly
SERVO: Just long enough to infect her
> as he
>passed out of the room. Dr. Leighton remained behind and
>took a seat, noticing Scully eyeing his weapon.
SERVO: [as Scully] Is that an AK-47 in your pocket, or are you just
happy to see me
> "The prisoners here are extremely dangerous, Agent
>Scully." He smiled thinly. "We can't be too careful."
> "I see." Scully began to wonder what kind of place
>Raven Hill really was.
MIKE: It's a place where everybody knows your name
> "How has Cooper been behaving this
>past week?"
CROW: He's had three time-outs in the last two days, and he threw up
on the bus this morning.
> "Remarkably well, considering the uh, incident. He's
>become quite talkative actually."
MIKE: He won't...*shut*...UP!
> "What does he talk about?"
> "The usual;
SERVO: The weather, the Knicks, headless corpses, that sort of thing.
> insisting that he's Agent Cooper, that
>he's sane. No apparent mood swings, however, which is not
>typical."
> "Any explanation for this change? Have your doctors
>examined him?"
CROW: Examined him? They won't even go NEAR him!
> Dr. Leighton sighed. "Agent Scully, you don't seem to
>realize. All our inmates here claim, at one time or another, to
>"cured". These prisoners are sent here when all rehabilitation
>efforts have failed; they are the INcurables."
SERVO: [as Walter Winchell] "Elliot Ness and his INcurables, fighting
for the law of the land against the dreaded Capone mob!"
> His reasoning offended Scully's ethics,
CROW: And his breath offended her nose, PHEW!
> but she
>continued her line of questioning. "You mentioned an
>incident...?"
> "Yes. Cooper was being more stable than usual this
>past month.
SERVO: Yeah, no horsing around!
One of our psychiatrists, Dr. Stephen Drew,
>wished to speak with him. Cooper was calm, composed.
MIKE: But still suffered from dry scalp
>Next thing we knew, Cooper had attacked Dr. Drew."
> Scully frowned, "Wasn't Cooper wearing restraints?"
CROW: No, just this little flowered number from Donna Karan.
> "He was in a straight-jacket and leg restraints, Agent
>Scully." Dr. Leighton's voice grew grim. "We heard screams
>and found Cooper pummeling Dr. Drew- with his bare head."
CROW: Male-pattern baldness sure works quick in prison.
> Scully swallowed hard. "Did Dr.Drew survive?"
SERVO: If not, does that mean there's a job opening, because
I've got this cousin, see...
> Dr. Leighton looked away for a moment.
MIKE: Aw, he forgot his lines!
SERVO: That means he gets a job on "Saturday Night Live"
> "He's in a coma
>at Mercy Hospital."
> Before Scully could ask Leighton another question,
CROW: The buzzer sounded and they went straight to the
lightning round!
>the door to the inner chamber opened and Scully got her first
>look at former Special Agent Dale Cooper.
SERVO: Not too bad. You got one in a Size 38?
-------------------------------------------------------------
Bill L.
Curtain Rods! Curtain Rods!