MSTing: NEW YEAR'S EVE (1/6)
a.ca...@genie.com
for the missing diacritical marks... I had to rip them out when my Bronze Age
server wouldn't recognize them. You'll just have to imagine the tildas and
accents aigus. Sorry! Best, Adam.
"Mystery Science Theater 3000", post AC-4, reel one.
[theme song]
[1...2...3...4...5...6...]
[SOL. Mike's sitting at the desk reading an intimidating hardbound book:
a massive, featureless black tome. No one else is around.]
Mike: Oh, hi. I'm J. Mike Nelson. I figured that being stuck up in space
was a great opportunity to catch up on some reading. Let me just finish
this chapter and I'll be right with you.
[He turns the page and reads on, nodding thoughtfully every few sentences.
Time passes. Eventually the bots wander by.]
Crow: Hey, Mike, whatcha reading?
Mike: Hmm? Oh, hi, guys. Actually, since you asked, I'm reading THE
COLLECTED WORKS OF JOHN MILTON. It's really--
Crow: AIEEEEE!
Tom: Run away! Run away!
Mike: You two are so closed-minded! It's actually a fascinating book. Did
you know that Milton wrote a number of tracts which are remarkably similar
to MSTings? He'd take pamplets written by royalists and various other
political groups and riff on them.
Crow: Really?
Tom: I find that hard to believe.
Mike: It's true! Here, I'll read you some. This is from "Eikonoklastes",
which is a sort of MSTing of a pamphlet called "Eikon Basilica".
[reading]
>His own and his children's interest obliged him to seek and to preserve
>the love and welfare of his subjects.
Milton: Who doubts it? But the same interest, common to all kings, was
never yet available to make them all seek that which was indeed best for
themselves and their posterity.
[Mike looks up expectantly.]
Crow: Uh, Mike, that wasn't very funny.
Tom: Actually, Mike, that kind of sucked.
Mike: Fine. I'll find a funnier one. [flips through book] Here we go.
[reading]
>He hoped by his freedom and their moderation to prevent misunderstandings.
Milton: And wherefore not by their freedom and his moderation? But freedom
he thought too high a word for them and moderation too mean a word for
himself: this was not the way to prevent misunderstandings.
[Mike looks up again.]
Tom: That was terrible! It isn't like MSTing at all.
Mike: Sure it is! He even complains that he's being forced to read these
lousy pamphlets. "Or as to any need of answering, in respect of staid and
well-principled men, I take it on me as a work assigned, rather than by me
chosen or affected: which was the cause both of beginning it so late and
finishing it so leisurely in the midst of other employments and diversions."
[awkward silence]
Crow [shaking]: I'm scared. If I don't get some comedy soon I'm going to
have some kind of attack.
Tom: What about your secret comedy stash?
Crow: Good idea! I'll be right back. [Exits.]
Mike: "Secret comedy stash"? What's going on?
Tom: Just wait, you'll see.
[Enter Crow. He's carrying a book entitled 101 HIGH-LARIOUS KNOCK-KNOCK
JOKES.]
Mike: Knock-knock jokes? Your idea of comedy is knock-knock jokes?
Crow: Sure. It says right on the cover that they're high-larious.
Tom: He's got you there, Mike.
Crow: Here goes. Knock-knock!
Tom: Who's there?
Crow: Bob.
Tom: Bob who?
Crow: Bob Jimenez.
[awkward silence]
Tom: You know, Crow, that wasn't much funnier than the Milton stuff.
Crow: I know. You know what to do now, right?
Tom: What?
Crow: PANIC! AAAAAHHHHH!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
[Bots panic, crashing around SOL while Mike cowers behind his book.
Eventually Tom's head falls off and bounces off yellow light, which has
just started flashing. Commercials.]
[More commercials]
[Still more commercials]
[SOL. Everyone's calmed down, Tom's head is back in place. On the desk
is a small battered portable television set.]
Crow: Ah, television! Now we're in for some high-larious entertainment!
Mike: Uh, guys, where'd you get the TV from? You'd think if there were a
TV on board we'd have brought it out long ago.
Tom: Oh, it was in a box marked "Never Unpack This Television Ever Again."
Obviously someone was trying to intimidate us into leaving it in storage.
Glad we saw through that cheap ploy!
Crow: Enough talking! TURN IT ON!
Mike: All right, all right. *sigh*
[Mike turns on the TV.]
TV: "Hey, kids, watch the Kids' WB. An' no gwown-ups allowed!"
Crow: Eww. The Warner Bros. network. Let's change the channel.
Mike: Uh... how? I don't see the button and there's no remote.
Tom: Try anything! Hit the side or something.
[Mike slaps the side of the TV.]
TV: "Bringing you the stars you know and love! Like Ellen Cleghorne, Kirk
Cameron, Jason Bateman..."
Tom: Now I remember why we wrote that message on the box...
Crow [shrieking]: Kill it! Kill!
[Mike hits the power button.]
TV: "...but now back to the network television premiere of BILLY MADISON!"
Mike: Hunh. Didn't work. I guess we're doomed.
Tom: Come on, Mike, you =have= to do something. At least make Crow stop
biting himself.
Mike: Wait! I've got it!
[Mike picks up the Milton book and brings it crashing down on the TV set.
The TV sputters and bursts into flame.]
Bots: Yay!
Tom: You were right, Mike! John Milton =is= a great author!
Mike: Wish I could gloat, but Bob Jimenez is calling.
[Red light flashes. Mike hits the button.]
[Deep 13. In the background we hear the kind of music they play over
the PA system at Mexican restaurants.]
Dr.F.: What's wrong with you people? Every time I turn around you've
dragged that TV out of storage again! I'm supposed to be the one providing
the pain around here!
[SOL]
Mike: Yeah. Uh, what exactly's the story on the music there, senor...?
[Deep 13]
Dr.F.: Oh, that. Well, the guy who owns this place started renting out
some of the other apartments around here. We never really had to worry
about that before because of all the asbestos around here, but they just
did an inspection and finally found out it's all gone.
[SOL]
Mike: Where'd it go?
[Deep 13]
Dr.F.: Frank ate it. Anyway, we're officially back to being Deep 13B. And
the people in Deep 13A play that Latin polka tape 24 hours a day. Over and
over. They only have the one.
[SOL]
Mike: That's terrible! I'm sorry.
[Deep 13B]
Dr.F.: Well, it's a tradeoff. Sure, the nonstop accordions have completely
destroyed my will to live, but on the bright side, there's this guy who
keeps coming over with baskets of chips and salsa. Anyway, I've got a
veritable Neil-fest for you boys today. The main course is a lovely
novella by Neal Mentech; I had a whole case of these things shipped in,
so you'd better get used to him. But first, a short -- courtesy of your
friend and mine, J. Neil Schulman!
[SOL]
Tom: Oh, no, not J. Neil "Hey-did-I-mention-how-profound-I-am" Schulman?
[Deep 13B]
Dr.F.: The same!
[SOL]
Mike: Eww. Hey, guys, maybe we ought to take the TV in with us...
[Lights flash]
All: WE'VE GOT NEIL-FEST SIGN!
[6...5...4...3...2...1...]
Mike: Hey, did I mention that Milton wrote a 17th-century version of HOW
TO DUMP YOUR WIFE? It's called--
Crow: Enough with the Milton already.
> SHOWGIRLS: A CRITIC'S WORST NIGHTMARE
>
> by J. Neil Schulman
Tom: --everyone else's worst nightmare.
>
>
> Suppose you had a movie whose director and screenwriter had previously
>collaborated to produce a classic in the suspense genre -- a director who
>had in addition produced a couple of the best science-fiction films ever
>made.
Crow: Well, we =could= do that, but let's talk about the dweebs who made
this bomb instead.
>Suppose this creative team had produced a brand-new movie which was
>particularly dependent on the press for box-office success because they had
>made a huge gamble: producing the first serious adults-only major motion
>picture since _Midnight Cowboy_ in the 1960's.
Mike: Suppose you gave the thought experiment a rest and got to the point?
>
> Now suppose that the universal critical reaction in all major media
>was to attack this new movie as being incompetent in every respect --
>accusing it of being badly written, badly directed, badly acted -- with
>critics accusing it not merely of being unprofessional, but in essence a
>gross fraud upon the movie-going public.
Tom: Or maybe just plain gross.
>
> That was the paradox I was contemplating earlier tonight as I took
>a seat in my local theater, along with fellow science-fiction author Brad
>Linaweaver, to see _Showgirls_, written by Joe Eszterhas and directed by
>Paul Verhoeven, who previously collaborated on the suspense classic, _Basic
>Instinct_. Either I was about to see a truly awful movie inexplicably made
>by a very talented creative team
Crow: --or I was going to see a truly awful movie made by a wretched
creative team, namely this one.
>-- or the critics were for some reason trying to assassinate
Tom: --John F. Kennedy, as the final stroke in a plot cooked up by the CIA
in conjunction with the FBI and the KGB and implemented by the Mafia and
Lyndon Johnson. And Mark Fuhrman. Oh, and Bob Jimenez, too.
>a singular masterpiece.
>
> As Brad and I walked out of the theater afterwards, we knew we had
>just seen a masterpiece. The only question we needed to debate was whether
Crow: --the acid we'd taken was Orange Sunshine or Red Pyramid.
>the American film-reviewing industry was a bunch of short-sighted
>incompetents or whether they are so morally flawed they had to try stamping
>out this particular masterpiece in order to hide from the light it shed upon
>their own moral corruption.
Tom: Uhh... WHAT??
Crow: I've got a third option for ya, Janeil: you're completely mental.
>
> Now let me tell you what _I_ saw on the screen.
Mike: What color =are= the movie screens in your world, Janeil?
>
> I saw a film which stars Elizabeth Berkley, an actress whose next role
>should be Helen of Troy.
Crow: Assuming that all the =attractive= actresses out there have been
killed in a plane crash or something.
>Berkley is an actress who might be called Marilyn Monroe's sister -- the
>_pretty_ one
Mike: I guess she =is= better-looking than Marilyn Monroe, Marilyn being all
decomposed and everything.
>-- except that Elizabeth Berkley is already a more evocative and
>powerful actress than Monroe was at her prime --
Crow [laughing]: Oh, come =on=! Janeil, we've =seen= "Saved by the Bell".
You're not fooling anybody.
>and she's a dancer of powers equal to her acting strengths.
Mike: So I take it she spends most of the film tripping over herself and
landing on her face?
>
> I saw a film, about the seedy side of show business, which combined
>the raw power of Scorcese's _Goodfellas_, in its ability to highlight the
>workings of evil minds, with Bob Fosse's ability to combine the onstage
>and backstage life of dancers in _All That Jazz_.
Tom: I wrote a sentence, with way too many commas, which weren't even
used correctly, and made it go on way too long, in which I made ridiculous
comparisons, of this dreck with =good= films.
>
> In a phrase, _Showgirls_ is _A Chorus Line's_ evil twin.
Crow: In a more accurate phrase, it sucks.
>
> I saw a film with a main character, Nomi Malone, that I would have
>thought only Ayn Rand could write:
Tom: You mean a ruthless, amoral, inconsiderate, self-centered dickweed?
>a diamond in the rough, a pearl cast before swine.
Crow: A character so cliched, only cliches can describe her!
>Elizabeth Berkley's portrayal of Nomi Malone, as written by Joe
>Eszterhas and directed by Paul Verhoeven, evokes an innocence that can
>stroll through Hell itself
Mike: Or worse, read this review!
>-- emotionally scorched by evil, a violent nemesis to evil, but unscarred
>and ultimately unconquered by it.
Crow: And it comes with attachable Ultra-Kill missile launchers that
really fire! Batteries not included.
Tom: Uh, Crow... remember who we're dealing with. Janeil probably =has=
Ultra-Kill missile launchers in his back yard.
Crow: Oh, yeah. Umm... he can't blow us up here in space, can he?
>Malone is a Candide figure
Tom: In fact, the movie's a lot like CANDIDE, except instead of intelligent
satire, it's got lap dancing.
>who expects the best of all possible world
Mike: Hunh. Guess there's only one possible world.
>in the glitter of Las Vegas -- and when she learns better that the glitter
>is a paper-thin covering for corruption worthy of Nero's Rome,
Crow: You mean Las Vegas isn't a wholesome oasis of old-fashioned decency
and family fun? My illusions are shattered!
Mike: Gee, who would've thought seediness lurked behind the neon palm trees
and gaudy casinos?
>she walks out as decisively as a cowboy riding off into the sunset, leaving
>the bad guys in her dust.
Tom: Then she puts her nose to the grindstone and pulls herself up by her
bootstraps, because if it ain't broke, don't fix it, and the opera isn't
over till the fat lady sings.
>
> Finally, this is a movie about power: the power of money and the power
>of sex. America has an unfortunate history in that its puritan founders
>never understood that sex is not merely procreative but a core expression
>of our nature as rational animals.
Mike: Yes, I've found that people are never so calm and reasonable as when
they've worked themselves up into a sweating, grunting frenzy.
>Ayn Rand showed in her novels that what our bodies respond to sexually
Tom: I get the feeling that what Janeil's body responds to sexually is
Ayn Rand.
>are what our minds would have us become: if we are heroic in our ideals, we
>are turned on by beauty and heroism; if we are flawed, our sexual choices
>reflect our flaws.
Crow: And if we're hairy, talentless hacks, we write terrible screenplays
and get paid three million dollars for them.
>
> With Elizabeth Berkley's natural beauty combined with masterful
>choreography, lighting, and direction,
Tom: --this film still probably wouldn't have been very good.
>a man watching this film would have to be a eunuch not to be aroused by it
>-- and a woman would have to be one of Germaine Greer's female eunuchs.
Crow: What if you're a robot?
>When critics call this movie non-erotic, all I can think of is that they're
>lifelong member's of Orwell's Anti-Sex League in his dystopian _Nineteen-
>eighty-four_.
Mike: Or maybe they're just not into sleaze. Nah, Janeil's explanation is
much more realistic.
>
> The plot of _Showgirls_ is more symbolic than dramatic;
Tom: Translation: there isn't one.
>it uses the background of a "Star is Born," "Fame" setting to display for us
Crow: --breasts. Lots and lots of 'em.
>the conflict between artistic ambition and moral integrity.
Mike: Umm... no. I think I have to go with Crow's reading on this one,
Janeil.
>Those who seek nothing great
>never experience the forces which would tempt them to sell their dreams --
>and _that_ is why critics, who make their living as parasites on creative
>products they could never themselves create, are so offended by geniuses who
>have the bad taste to show them what artistic integrity looks like --
Tom: Okay, let's think about this for a minute. Putting aside the fact that
this is clearly an example of someone pathologically unable to accept that
he might not be indisputably right in all circumstances -- if the critical
community disagrees, then they're a bunch of doo-doo heads -- does Janeil
=really= expect us to believe that when critics watch a piece of cinematic
crap like, say, MAN OF THE HOUSE, that they're sitting there muttering,
"I wish that were me. God, I wish this film were mine. Well, if it can't
be mine, I'll just have to destroy it." They certainly seem to be able to
set aside their malicious envy long enough to praise the films they =do=
like. This seems like a rehash of the old argument that "if you don't
like my movie, I'd like to see you make a better one" -- as if I have to
be an acclaimed filmmaker myself to know that MANOS, THE HANDS OF FATE is
a bad film. Vicarious sour grapes, Janeil.
Crow: Snappy quip there, Tom.
Tom: Shut up.
>and the worse taste to show that the moral lesson works even in the near
>pornographic setting of erotic dance.
Crow: Oh, so they just threw in all the naked gyration to enhance the
moral lesson. Sure, okay.
>
> Nomi Malone in _Showgirls_ is a young individualist
Mike: Oh, is that what the kids are calling ruthless, amoral, inconsiderate,
self-centered dickweeds these days?
>who is unwilling to sell herself out.
Tom: As opposed to, say, actresses who appear in low-grade exploitative
crap just to make a few bucks.
>She does what is necessary to survive, even if distasteful,
Crow: You know, just the kind of thing you have to do to survive. Like
breathing, eating, moving to Vegas and becoming a stripper, pushing your
rivals down flights of stairs...
>but she never loses sight of the value of her own life. When she is
>accused of having low self-esteem, her immediate reaction is to spit in
>the eye of the man who said it
Mike: So she's got the maturity of an eight-year-old, and this is a good
thing?
>-- a man who truly does not understand the nature of the insult. Malone is
>capable of being extremely violent, but her violence is well-aimed at
>worthy targets;
Crow: Mike, I'm scared. We've got a gun-happy crackpot talking about how
violence is okay if it's directed toward someone you don't like. Save me!
Mike: There, there, he can't get you up here. [hugs Crow]
>and she is generous enough to grant the boon of charity to an enemy who
>probably doesn't deserve it.
Crow [J. Neil Schulman]: "Me, I'd'a just shot the sucker."
>
> I have written in other places
Tom: Guys, let's make sure that Dr. Forrester stays =far= away from these
other places.
>that we get what we pay for and do not get what we do not pay for.
Mike [J. Neil Schulman]: "I oughtta know. I tried shoplifting some ammo
once, took a .38 caliber slug right in the back. Lucky for me I was
wearing my trusty Kevlar vest!"
>The price of having works of genius as part of our culture -- works that
>stand above the lowest-common-denominator which is
All: SHOWGIRLS!
>our daily fare -- is that we not allow them to be marginalized. Whatever
>the value of a great movie is to the enrichment of our culture and the
>recognition of our human nature, we owe it to those capable of producing
>works of original merit that we not ignore them at the urging of the moral
>cripples who have seized control of the critical organs of our culture.
Tom: AAAAAGGGH! So now we get a polemical call to preserve the transcendent
work of genius that is SHOWGIRLS against the conspiracy of "moral cripples"
who somehow have absolute control over the vague entity that is "culture"
and are trying to stamp it out? I can't take it anymore! [head explodes]
Mike: Cut it out, Tom. Your head explodes in just about every MSTing
that comes along these days.
Tom: Sorry. [head magically flies back together]
>
> The sexually explicit _Showgirls_ is not for children, but then neither
>are matches.
Mike [J. Neil Schulman]: "That's right -- matches aren't for children.
=Firearms= are!"
>Grown-ups who know that sex and violence can be an integral
>part of our moral life should see this movie before the critics empty the
>theaters and leave it to subsequent generations to discover its greatness--
>leaving its writer, director, and star to wonder why their virtues are
>being despised.
Crow: I-- I-- I have nothing to say. Nothing I could =possibly= say could
make this any more ridiculous.
>
> -- J. Neil Schulman,
Mike: The "J." stands for "completely insane"!
>September 24, 1995
Tom: Trieste-Zurich-Paris.
>
> #
>
> J. NEIL SCHULMAN is
Crow: --a couple tacos short of a fiesta platter, if you get my drift.
> the author of two Prometheus award- winning novels, Alongside Night
> and The Rainbow Cadenza,
Tom: Oh, and he won fourth place in his sixth-grade spelling bee.
> short fiction, nonfiction, and screenwritings, including the
> CBS Twilight Zone episode "Profile in Silver."
Crow: You mean that really lame one where Kennedy gets teleported to the
22nd century? Oh, please!
> His previous nonfiction book was STOPPING POWER: Why 70 Million
> Americans Own Guns.
Tom: They're shelving that under =nonfiction=? No wonder I haven't been
able to find it!
> Dr. Walter E. Williams says of Schulman's latest book, SELF CONTROL Not
> Gun Control, "Schulman interestingly and insightfully raises a number of
> liberty-related issues that we ignore at the nation's peril.
Mike: "Or else he'll shoot us."
> His ideas are precisely those that helped make our country the destination
> of those seeking
Tom: --cheap guns and sleazy flicks.
> liberty. The book's title says it all: personal responsibility,
> not laws and prohibitions, is the mark of a civil society."
Mike: Umm... that's not the title.
> Schulman has been published in the Los Angeles Times and other
> national newspapers, as well as National Review, Reason, Liberty, and
> other magazines.
Mike: Would this be a good time to ask why Janeil is including his
=resume= along with his review?
Tom: Oh, it's not really a resume. It's more of a multi-paragraph
advertisement for himself. For instance, note the celebrity endorsements.
Crow: J. Neil Schulman: The Man, The Infomercial.
> His LA Times article "If Gun Laws Work, Why Are We Afraid?" won the James
> Madison Award from the Second Amendment Foundation. Schulman's books have
> been praised by Nobel laureate Milton Friedman, Anthony Burgess, Robert A.
> Heinlein, Colin Wilson, and many other prominent individuals.
Crow: All of whom I will name right now! There's--
Mike: Put the phone book away, Crow.
> Charlton Heston said of STOPPING POWER: "Mr. Schulman's book is the most
> cogent explanation of the gun issue I have yet read.
Tom: "Or at least had read to me."
> He presents the assault on the Second Amendment in frighteningly clear
> terms. Even the extremists who would ban firearms will learn from his
> lucid prose."
Crow: Janeil? Lucid??
Mike: Sure, I can buy that. It's not that he's incoherent. If you read
attentively you can figure out what he's saying. The problem is that once
you do, you feel the overpowering need to take a shower.
>
> Reply to:
> J. Neil Schulman
> Mail: P.O. Box 94, Long Beach, CA 90801-0094
> Voice Mail & Fax: (500) 44-JNEIL
Crow: He got himself a vanity phone number?! Just how important does
he think he is?
> Internet: jn...@genie.com
> World Wide Web Page: http://www.pinsight.com/~zeus/jneil/
Tom: Apparently he thinks he's Zeus. Explains a lot.
[Commercials]
[Continued in Part 2]