MiSTing: "Spider-Man: The Movie" [PG] [1/4]
Matthew Blackwell
Misted by Matt Blackwell, Daniel Haun, Brendan Herlihy, Bill
Livingston, Eric Scheppers, and Natalie Welch
[Season 10 Opening Sequence]
[1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ]
[The Bridge of the Satellite of Love is a bit off tonight.
Instead of its usual cluttered self, the Bridge instead
resembles the set of a game show, complete with risers
full of screaming fans. Far in the background, we can
see the usual door to the theater, but the camera instead
pans in on a Matt Damon-ish looking host, J. Keith Van Straaten.]
JKVS: Welcome back to "Beat the Geeks." It's still anyone's game
here tonight as our competitors Mike (The camera shows
the lovable Mike Nelson) and Crow (the camera refocuses
on the golden Crow T. Robot before returning to JP) are
in a 50 point tie having defeated the Movie and the TV
Geek in short order. But in this round, the scores are
doubled, and there's a special 10 point bonus for anyone
defeating our special guest geek. Now, our toss-up
question to determine who goes next. Ready?
[Mike and Crow lean eagerly over the buzzers.]
JKVS: This southern band hit it big in the 1980s with
hits like "Caught up in You" and "Fantasy Girl."
[Mike eagerly hits the button.]
JKVS: Mike.
Mike: .38 Special.
JKVS: Correct! Mike, please pick a Geek!
Crow: Hrmph. I knew that one.
Mike: Yeah, yeah. Cry me a river.
JKVS: Sorry Crow. He rang in first.
Mike: JP, this should be a piece of cake, cause I'm taking
on the special guest geek, the Mike Geek!
JKVS: Our special guest Geek, the Mike Geek! Purveyor of
all Mike Nelson-related knowledge!
[The buzzers buzz, the lights flash, and the spotlight focuses
on a person behind a podium, who looks suspiciously like
Paul Chapin in a robe.]
Geek: Mike, I'm going to beat you like the cheese-eater
you are, and then I'm going to steal your keyboard!
[The crowd applauds wildly. Mike looks a bit confused.]
Mike: Er, yeah.
JKVS: Our first question, Mike- in 1985, you briefly
performed with this band. Name them.
Mike: Oh, easy. "Sex Factory".
JKVS: Correct! [The crowd cheers.] Mike Geek? The band
planned to have a concept album as their first
release. What was the album title and what was
the concept?
Geek: Well, the band had a large number of releases
planned, including their triple live album "Live
from the Sea of Tranquility" but their first
record was to be an ambitious album combining
"The Lord of the Rings" with the droids from
"Star Wars." They planned to call it "The
Robots of Rohan."
JKVS: Correct!
[Mike looks even more confused.]
Mike: How the heck did you know that?
JKVS: [chuckling] Hey, Mike, who's the host here?
Onto question two: what are your parents' names?
Mike: Well, they *were* Moonbeam and Cottonwood, but
they kinda moved out of the hippie phase in '75,
so now they're just Walter and Irene.
JKVS: Correct! Mike Geek, your next question. What girl
did Mike first kiss romantically?
Geek: Ooh, that's a toughie. I'd have to say that
would be Kimmy Sue Hasenpfeffer. Unless, of
course, you count Mike's poster of Farrah
Fawcett.
JKVS: Correct!
[The crowd cheers. Mike looks poleaxed.]
Mike: Oh, come on! I took that down when I was
eight!
JKVS: Since both of you answered correctly, that means
it comes down to the Geek to Geek showdown. I'll
ask both of you to name as many things fitting
the topic in fifteen seconds. Whomever gets the
higher total wins. Ready? Okay. Mike- name
chapters in your latest book. Go!
Mike: Um, L.A. Diary, Did he say "Meep"?, Friend Good,
Oh Look at Me I Have Friends, Virtual Me, Tennis
tips, Bad Hair Person, Bravo, Behind Music, Lunch
on the Serengeti...
[A loud buzzer sounds]
JKVS: Okay, that's time. Mike, you got nine. Mike Geek,
that means you'll have to get ten correct answers
to keep your medal. Your category: Places where
Mike was beaten up in Seventh grade. Go!
Geek: School, Church, the bathroom, YMCA, Shady Oaks
Camp, the Zoo, Kimmy Sue Hasenfeffer's house,
the Quik Stop, the Hospital, the model UN club...
JKVS: That's ten! You've successfully defended your medal,
Mike Geek. Let's see what our other challenger can do!
[The lights signaling a call from Castle Forrester begin
to flash wildly. An air horn also seems to be blowing.
JP looks about in confusion.]
Mike: Sorry, that's for me. Hello?
[Castle Forrester]
[Pearl and her henchmen, er, henchape and henchnoncorporeal
being, stand in the foreground, looking very, very annoyed.]
Pearl: [Coldly] what the hell do you think you're doing?
[SoL]
Mike: We're just on a game show, Pearl.
JKVS: Yeah, we're a little show on...
[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: [harshly] I know who you are. [to Mike] Mike! These
people work for the enemy! Remember? Six years ago?
I had to move in with my folks and write for NPR?
[SoL]
Mike: Come on, Pearl. That's ancient history. Can't we just
let bygones be bygones?
[Castle Forrester]
[Observer steps up to Pearl.]
Observer: Mike does have a point, Pearl. After all we've
all been fired since then. Some of us multiple times.
[SoL]
JKVS: Say, is that the Brain Geek?
[Castle Forrester]
[Observer stares coldly at the screen for a moment.]
Observer: Never mind. Scrag him, Pearl.
Pearl: Mike, I'm going to teach you a lesson. I'm going
to make you an icon to the comic book geeks out
there. I'm going to show you a film featuring
Marvel superheroes...
[SoL]
[The Movie Geek steps up behind Mike.]
Movie Geek: Oh, let me guess. The Punisher? Captain
America? Roger Corman's Fantastic Four?
[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: No. Marvel's flagship character, Spiderman.
Movie Geek: Wow. The soon to be released film with Tobey
Maguire, Kirsten Dunst and directed by Sam Raimi?
[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: Er, no.
[SoL]
Movie Geek: Ew. The 1978 TV movie featuring Nicholas
Hammond that represented Spidey's webs by throwing
nets onto people?
Mike: Dude, you're not helping.
[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: No. The alleged film treatment by Piranha II's
James Cameron.
[SoL]
[The lights begin to flash. Crow rushes about wildly.]
Movie Geek: Well, you're doomed.
JKVS: Yep. We're bailing. Good luck, guys.
Mike: Hey! You can't leave! What about our Tivo? What
about our Tivo?!
[Mike sighs and hits the lights, and the door sequence
begins.]
[6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ]
[Crow and Mike enter the theater. Tom is already seated.]
Tom: So, how did it go?
Crow: Ah. It was called on account of Pearl.
Mike: Sorry about you getting beaten in the first round.
Tom: Ah. I couldn't buzz in anyway, since my arms don't work.
Besides, who the heck was "Susan Underwater"?
Mike: Early 90s grunge band. I think their CD was "Serrator
Synopsis."
Tom: Show off.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
Mike: So... Bert I. Gordon directed this?
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
Tom: Taut isn't it?
Crow: This is _not_ how to build suspense.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> SPIDER-MAN
All: AHH!
Tom: Don't do that!
>
>
> Scriptment
Crow: Is that anything like spearmint?
>
>
>
>
>
>
> BY
>
> JAMES CAMERON
Mike: Come on, even he wouldn't use the word 'scriptment'.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
Tom: So...
Crow: Uh huh.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
Mike: Well, it's already better than "Resident Evil."
>
>
>
>
>FADE IN:
Crow: Finally!
>
>A geometrical pattern fills the screen.
Tom: Trapezoid! The movie!
> Silver threads in
>moonlight.
Mike: How did they get there?
>Part of a spider's intricate web.
Crow: Did Joel Schumaker set up this scene?
>It moves slightly and we see behind it...
Tom: A spider?
> the glint of an
>eye.
Mike: Oh, they're just filming the other cameraman!
>Pulling back. Two eyes blinking in the darkness, behind a
>mesh of fishnet material.
Tom: Fishnet stockings?
Crow: This is more than I wanted to know about Spidey.
>Continue pulling back to reveal a face.
Crow: Keep pulling back, guys, and we might get the whole body
in the shot by the end of the next ice age!
> A face shrouded
>in darkness,
Tom: A script cloaked in flames . . .
> covered by a concentric web-like pattern.
Mike: The years had not been kind to Peter Parker.
>Behind the mesh we catch a hint of the features. Not
>much.
Crow: It's pretty much just a mole and some ear hair.
> It is the eyes which command our attention.
>
Tom: [eyes] Lookatmelookatmelookatmelookatme!
>Pulling back... head and shoulders.
Mike: For a good first impression.
> A black night
>background.
Crow: Inked by Todd McFarlane using a fire hose.
>Wider still, revealing a muscular silhouetted figure,
>sitting cross-legged with zen-like composure.
Tom: Clint Eastwood *is* the Dalai Lama in "Out for
Vengeance III: Weekend at Dalai's!"
> The arms
>are straight down, between the legs.
Mike: Between?
Crow: Is who I think it is doing what I *think* he's doing?
> Behind the figure is
>some kind of steel structure.
>
Mike: Wow, I feel like I'm there!
Tom: So, Spidey's sitting on the Eiffel Tower?
>But wait.
Crow: [Cameron] Why am I writing this?!
> As we pull back, city lights have come into
>view, and now skyscrapers...
Tom: Yeah, you do usually find those in cities.
> but they are above us.
Mike: Well, yeah! Being tall is kind of a prerequisite
for skyscrapers.
Crow: Sounds like a class struggle to me.
>Sticking down into frame like the mothership in Close
>Encounters. CAMERA ROTATES now, 180 degrees...
Tom: [swaying] Getting... dizzy...
[He falls out of frame.]
>
>Putting the city where it belongs... below us.
Crow: Well that was resolved quickly!
[Tom reappears.]
> And
>revealing that the figure is hanging by his hands, by a
>thread-like wire... cross-legged and chilled-out.
Tom: So we're in a meat locker now?
> Upside
>down.
Crow: Now he's hanging upside down?
> He is wearing a form-hugging body-suit.
Tom: Great, now I'm having Krankor flashbacks.
> Hard to
>make out the details in the moonlight. Who is this
>whacko?
>
Mike: Probably Al Gore. He's been acting a bit "off" lately.
>Keep pulling back. The figure is hanging, like a spider,
>from a radio mast high above... Manhattan.
Crow: [Woody Allen] Chapter One. He loved New York. He
romanticized it all out of proportion.
> There are the
>familiar landmarks... Pan Am and Chrysler Buildings.
>Empire State.
>
Mike: Yes, those would be in Manhattan.
> FIGURE (V.O.)
> Welcome to one of my favorite night spots.
Tom: [figure] It's not very busy now, but you should see
it during the holidays!
> The service is slow, but the thing I like
> about it... it's not usually too crowded.
>
>The Empire State building is lower than us so there's only
>one place we could be...
>
Mike: In a satellite orbiting the Earth?
>1400 feet above the street, on the radio mast of the north
>tower of the World Trade Center.
Mike: Oh, silly me.
Crow: Er, guys?
[Long, long, long pause.]
Mike: Just - just remember guys, this was written before -
well, before.
Crow: I don't care, Nelson, it's still wrong!
Tom: Pearl's really sunk to a new low!
Mike: Well, be fair - maybe she didn't know.
Crow: C'mon, how could she *not* know?
Mike: You don't think *she* reads all this crap she sends
to us?
[Another pause.]
Tom: He's got a point.
> A quarter of a mile
>below us, the traffic moves like corpuscles of light
>through the circulatory system of the city.
>
Tom: Ooh, good metaphor.
> FIGURE (V.O.)
> It all looks so... civilized... from up
> here, doesn't it?
Crow: Well, you can't see much through the smog.
> Like there's some kind
> of logic to it all. It's all so clear.
> But you get down there on the street and
> nothing's clear.
>
Mike: Sounds like drug metaphor. The higher you get, the
clearer you can see.
Tom: Sounds like he got bit by a farsighted radioactive
spider.
>THE STREET.
Tom: Being cancelled this fall from Fox!
> Cabs and cops. People on the move.
Crow: America in motion.
> Humanity
>in all its variegated glory... from stockbrokers to
>hookers, priests to junkies.
>
Tom: Ooh, political subtext.
>A CORNER NEWSSTAND. Pushing in on a stack of Newsweek.
Crow: Product placement? In the script? For shame!
>Close on the top one.
Mike: No, wait, close on the third from the top. Do it.
Go on.
> The cover is a grainy, long lens
>black and white shot, like a UFO photo, of a guy in tights
>apparently crawling up the side of a building.
Mike: Johnny Knoxville hits the Big Apple.
> The
>headline reads: THE SPIDER MAN - HERO OR VIGILANTE?
>
Crow: Boxers or briefs?
Tom: Lycra or spandex?
Mike: White meat or dark?
Tom: He's all those, and more.
>An arm, wearing red spandex and a red glove, drops down
>from the roof of the newsstand.
Tom: Alright, dismemberment!
> The news-guy whirls as
>the arm slaps two bucks on the counter and grabs a
>Newsweek.
Crow: Since when did Thing become a superhero?
>The owner rushes out the door... looks on top of his
>kiosk.
Mike: And promptly vomits into the gutter.
>There's nothing there. He looks up, all around...
Tom: Buys a classified ad...
>nothing. He grins and holds his fist in the air.
>
Mike: I got ripped off! Whoo-hoo!
> OWNER
> ALRIIIIIGHT!
>
Tom: Meanwhile, some kid runs off with the two bucks.
>CUT TO THE FIGURE, atop the WTC. Still hanging. He pulls
>the Newsweek out of his belt and stares at the cover in
>the moonlight.
>
Mike: I hope all this moonlight isn't alluding to a really
silly crossover...
> SPIDERMAN (V.O.)
> How can I expect them to get it.
Tom: I don't even get it and I'm me!
> I don't
> even get it.
Mike: Good call, Servo.
Tom: Aw, it was too easy.
Crow: Yeah. Peter Parker's the original Angst-Ridden Teen Hero.
He makes *Angel* look normal.
> I do wish they'd at least
> get my name right.
Crow: You do wish? Is this New York or New Haven?
> It's Spider Man... not
> The Spider Man. Jeez. Boneheads. I need
> a better publicist.
>
Mike: Maybe instead of picking nits, you should fight some
crime, Mr. Hero.
>He rips the magazine easily in half, then in quarters,
>then in eights... somewhere in here we realize that this
>takes more strength in the hands than you or I have.
Tom: Can he make it into a swan?
> He
>releases the stamp-sized shreds. Camera drifts with them
>as they flutter down over the city like confetti.
Mike: Geez, I guess when you're a big time, fancy-shamnsy
super-hero type, you can pretty much ignore those
pesky little anti-litter laws.
Crow: And the 1980s Punisher sees this and blows him away.
Whoops!
>
> SPIDERMAN
> Wouldn't they have kittens if thy knew
> Spiderman wasn't even a man.
Tom: The hormone treatments have finally kicked in, huh?
> Just a kid
> named...
Tom: [Johnny Cash] GEORGE, BILL, ANYTHING BUT SUE!
>
>PETER!
>
>CLOSE UP on an elderly lady yelling.
Crow: Cher?
> "Peter... you're
>going to be late!" It's morning and she's calling up the
>stairs to...
>
Mike: Saint Peter! He's gone from Heaven to New York in
this year's wackiest new sitcom!
>PETER PARKER. Age 17. Peter is in the bathroom, popping
>a zit in the mirror.
Crow: Ick.
Mike: I have to admit, I didn't expect this.
> He puts on his glasses and checks
>his look in the mirror. Still the same. Nerdy. He
>doesn't care. Screw 'em.
>
Mike: [Peter] I'll show them, as soon as I get some super
powers.
>He grabs a big stack of books and heads downstairs. Over
>breakfast we meet his aunt MAY and Uncle BENJAMIN.
Tom: [May] Oh, you must be that nice young audience Peter's
been telling us about. You just sit right down and I'll
microwave you a nice frozen pancake!
> Nice
>people but way too old to be the kind of role-model
>parents a kid needs.
Mike: So, are these his parents' siblings, or his
grandparents'?
> Still, he loves them even if he
>forgets to actually mention it 99% of the time like any
>kid.
>
Tom: That reminds me, I need to call Joel.
Crow: [Choked up] I miss you, Daddy.
Mike: There, there.
>Aunt May is thin and fusses over Peter too much. He
>indulges her. When he has time, which he doesn't this
>morning.
>
Crow: Another student of the William Shatner School of
Writing.
>Peter's parents were killed in a plane crash when he was
>six. He woke up one day without a family.
Tom: Except for the ones he lives with of course.
> Somehow he
>always felt guilty that they went away.
Mike: Maybe because they said it was his fault?
> As if he had done
>something wrong.
Tom: Well, he DID ask them to fly because he saw on TV
it was safer. And he did buy recommend flying
SeldumCrash Airlines...
> His 17 year old mind tells him it was
>just fate, just a random accident...
Crow: While his 5 year old mind knows it was a super villain.
> but deep in his
>subconscious that scared 6 year old still cries, begging
>for them to come home...
Tom: And for Pokemon.
> he won't cause trouble anymore...
>he'll go to bed when they tell him.
>
Crow: Waitaminit here. This is supposed to be a movie
script, right?
Mike: Right.
Crow: So how does this narrative fit into a movie? Does
Peter think of himself in the third person? Who's
talking here?!?
Mike: Maybe it's the narrator.
Tom: Mike, Peter IS the narrator.
Mike: Let's just not dwell on it. We have a long way to go.
>Uprooted, moved from the only home he knew, in Maryland,
>to Ben and May's modest bungalow in suburban Flushing, NY.
Mike: [continuing] Young Petey quickly took to a life of
crime, and cheap thrills.
>It is a low to middle income boredom-zone of tract homes
>pushed too close together.
Crow: Plus, their neighbor kept yelling at his kids about
Simonizing his car.
> Peter actually goes to high
>school in nearby Forest Hills, a snotty high-income
>neighborhood.
Tom: Geez, is this a screenplay or the Communist Manifesto?
> This makes him a poor kid from the wrong
>side of the tracks in the eyes of his status conscious
>schoolmates.
>
Crow: [Narrator] Is he enough of an underdog for you yet
folks? I can make him speak with a lisp...
>Peter is a bright kid. He doesn't have many friends.
Tom: Peter has an affinity for Industrial Arts.
Mike: Watch Peter run. Run Peter, run.
> He
>is ostracized for his interest in science.
Crow: And his ear hair collection.
> Our MTV
>culture frowns on people who think too much.
Mike: Yeah, in the 50's science geeks couldn't cross the
street without luscious blonde tomatoes begging them
for a date!
> Intellectual
>curiosity is decidedly un-hip.
Tom: Conforming is cool!
All: [whispering] Join us! Join us!
> Who cares about where the
>universe came from or how the Greeks hammered Troy?
Crow: Huh? Anthony Quinn got Counselor Troi drunk?
> Did
>you hear the new Pearl Jam album?
>
Mike: You know, the writer might be a bit bitter.
Crow: Really?
Mike: Yup, but it's kinda subtle.
>Peter is defiant.
Tom: He viciously taunts his bullies while they pummel him.
> He thinks they are the real losers.
>They'll be flipping burgers while he's discovering the
>cure to cancer.
Mike: Kids from rich families? Not likely.
>We'll see who wins in the long run.
>
Crow: Of course, that'll mean the film will last 40 years,
but hey, you've got time to kill, don't you?
>He wears his isolation like a badge...
Crow: And his underwear like a helmet.
> with an air of
>superiority.
Tom: Or maybe it's just the gallon of Old Spice he splashes
on every morning in lieu of a bath.
>In fact, he is awesomely shy and desperately lonely and
>unhappy.
Tom: Gee, I wonder why?
Mike: This kid makes Bruce Wayne seem like the Olsen twins...
> But whenever this occurs to him, he loses
>himself in his studies, and finds a kind of peace.
>
Crow: Remember kiddies, learning keeps those urges to kill
at bay.
>He has the 17 year-old's sense that he knows everything
>about the world, and can see so clearly all the things
>that are wrong with it.
Mike: In other words, he was a smug SOB.
> In fact he is very insulated and
>knows almost nothing about human nature in all its
>complexity.
Tom: Plus there was his whole Oedipus complex.
Crow: Psychology text, or screenplay? You decide.
> He doesn't even understand himself very well.
Mike: Well, who does?
Bots: We do.
Mike: Oh, be quiet.
>Because his life of the mind is his badge of superiority,
>he frowns on the pursuits of the body.
>
Crow: Mostly cuz he couldn't climb the rope in gym class.
>Sports?
Mike: Yeah, let's watch some of that!
> Forget it.
Mike: Darn.
> Bunch of jock boneheads crashing into
>each other. Like stag elk in rut.
Crow: I never thought of it like that...and I never want to
again.
> Senseless violence.
Crow: Sure! We'd like to see some of that!
>Girls? Good in theory, but how do you talk to them?
Mike: By moving your mouth and producing sounds resembling
a certain language?
Crow: I've heard that telepathy works pretty good, but I
can't seem to get it to work.
>Dancing? No way. He tried it once. Not a pretty sight.
>
Crow: Well, that's what happens when the only dance you
know is the Macarena.
>Peter is a virgin. And apt to remain that way for a
>while.
Mike: Hmm. Why am I wasting my time following this kid
around? Say! There's that Johnny Storm fellow.
I'll narrate about him for a while...
> He's your basic sexually pent-up adolescent.
>
Tom: Oh, you mean a stereotype.
>One other thing about Peter.
Crow: No thanks, we know more than enough...
> He is a plucky kid. He's
>got true grit.
Mike: He's a contenda! He can go all da way!
> He's never had an opportunity to prove
>this, to himself or anyone else. But he will soon...
>
Crow: You can tell a good screenplay by the way it goes off
on completely unfilmable tangents!
>That day at school, we see Peter with his friends, who are
>mostly straight-A misfit types like himself.
Tom: Freaks and Geeks: The Next Generation!
> In his last
>class of the day... his favorite.
Mike: Sex-Ed!
> BIOLOGY...
Mike: Close enough.
Crow: With Peter Graves.
> Peter
>daydreams about the girl across the room. Mary Jane
>Watson. Peter is captivated by her, though she doesn't
>seem to know he exists.
Tom: Sounds familiar, huh Mike?
Mike: Sure does... Hey!
> The teacher tells them to pair up
>for term science projects and to Peter's surprise Mary
>Jane comes all the way over to him and asks to be his
>partner.
>
Crow: Great, now he's using sitcom plots!
>Mary Jane needs at least an A in the class, or she won't
>graduate with a B average, and then her parents won't buy
>her a car like they promised.
Mike: And the audience will know this... how?
Crow: It's a concept film, Mike. "Spiderman" will be the
first film produced solely for the entertainment of
psychics!
> So she teams herself with
>Peter the Nerd.
Mike: Hey, author! Sometimes, when a girl approaches you, they
might actually, genuinely, like you!
Crow: Like you would know.
Mike: Hey!
> Mary Jane's girl-friends in the class
>exchange looks and smirks.
>
Tom: This is so not a script.
Mike: Well... at least they'll save money on a dialogue coach.
>Peter flushes with the sudden proximity of the girl he has
>watched from across the room all year. She even smells
>good. He feels giddy.
>
Crow: Well, there's just something about Mary ya know.
>Peter of course knows he has no hope.
Tom: And so he falls deeper into his well of self-pity.
> Mary Jane is going
>out with one of the school's top studs... Nathan McCreery,
>AKA "Flash".
All: AH-AH!
Tom: Wait a minute! Flash McCreery?
> Nathan is a top athlete, playing on the
>senior football team and head of the gymnastic team.
[The bots bust out laughing.]
Crow: Gymnastics?! What a geek!
Mike: Well, it is a good chance to be around women wearing
leotards.
Tom: Hmmm...good point.
> He
>is also a tennis snob and drives a Porsche.
Tom: What, pray tell, is a tennis snob anyway?
Mike: Someone who thinks they're better than tennis.
Crow: Stupid tennis!
> Peter hates
>him utterly, on general principles.
Mike: Well, Flash did run over Peter's sister too...
> Peter takes the bus.
Crow: Ok! We get the picture! Petey is a flamin'lower
class geek, alright?!
Mike: And another gets on. And another gets on. Another one
rides the bus.
>His aunt and uncle don't have much money.
>
Tom: Plus Uncle Ben has a thing for playing the ponies.
>Mary Jane is a popular girl, in a "sosh" clique,
Crow: What's a sosh?
Tom: Maybe he means slush?
> way out
>of Peter's league. She has it all... looks, money,
>handsome boyfriend.
Tom: [Peter] I want a boyfriend!
> Peter oscillates between despising
>her and fantasizing about saving her from a burning
>building so she will be eternally grateful to him and
>maybe even kiss him.
>
Mike: Classic love/hate, right there.
Crow: No fantasies about her slowly falling for his inner
beauty?
Tom: No, I think the burning building thing is his best
shot.
>Peter is thrilled to be her partner for the term project.
Crow: Looks like he does enjoy being used...
>School lets out. Peter walks Mary Jane out of the parking
>lot.
Mike: How did this film not get made? Actors would kill for
a chance to stay on the screen for hours without saying
anything!
> Flash comes zipping up in his Porsche to pick her
>up. In an awkward moment of condescending generosity,
>Mary Jane invites Peter to go with them, to Flash's house,
>to play tennis and swim in the pool.
Tom: [grandly] Then we can play charades in the parlor!
> Peter declines...
Mike: He doesn't have his floaties with him.
> he
>has an honors-student science seminar he's going to at a
>nearby university.
Tom: Usually referred to as Empire State University.
> Anyway... he doesn't want her to see
>his pale skinny body next to Flash the stud.
>
Crow: Good, because we don't wanna see it either.
Tom: The difference between this and "Easy Rider" is, here
you won't see actors doing any lines.
>McCreery makes some offhand but cutting remark about
>Peter,
Mike: I'd tell you what it was, but it's so much better to
let the actors imagine dialogue.
> then some of Flash's jock friends get into it...
>mocking him as well. Peter walks away, humiliated.
>
Tom: Well, so far we've just synopsized every John Hughes
film ever made...
Crow: [Peter] I'll go to a place where I'll be free to geek!
To the internet!
>LATER, at the seminar... Peter is touring the genetics lab
>of the university he hopes to attend if he can get a
>scholarship.
Tom: Ah, yes. The Howie Mandel Genetics Lab at good ol'
Gen-er-ic U.!
>The lab has one of the nation's leading research programs
>on recombinant DNA and gene therapy.
>
Mike: Anything to do with radioactive spiders?
Crow: I've heard they also have a great Useless Science
program too.
>As the tour moves through the lab complex they are able to
>get a glimpse of the restricted area where some of the
>more advanced research is done, through sealed glass
>doors.
Tom: I guess they aren't worried about security that much...
> The professor shows them video monitors which show
>the images of bio-isolation flasks where genetic
>experiments are done on fruit flies.
>
Crow: Hey, is the Fly going to be in this?
Mike: No. At least I hope not.
>He says they are "using synthesized transfer-RNA to recode
>the genome of the fruit fly... transferring genetic
>information from one species of fly to another."
>
Tom: No reason of course, they're just doing it for kicks.
>He points to the monitors, saying, "You can see the ten
>mutagenically activated flies on the left, the ten control
>flies on the right..."
Mike: Fly Group A was given Rogaine and Group B was given
a placebo.
>Peter mentions that he only sees nine flies on the left.
>While the scientist is counting,
Crow: [stupid] Duh...2...3...4...5...6...Hold on, I have to
take off my shoes...
> the camera moves to a
>high corner of the room. Caught in a spider's web, near
>an air duct, is the tenth fly.
Mike: Right next to it is the missing twelfth monkey.
Tom: And it was not, I repeat, not saying "Help meeeeeeee..."
> The spider approaches the
>struggling fly and begins to dine.
Mike: [spider] I'd ask you into my parlor, but I see you're
all tied up! Ha!
[The bots groan.]
> Rack focus back to the
>professor...
Mike: As played by Pamela Lee.
> as he continues the lecture.
Tom: [professor] And that's why I can't love. Any
questions?
> They move on.
>Peter asks if he can take some photographs for his school
>paper.
Mike: Peter Parker- Arachnid Paparazzi!
> The group moves on, leaving him behind.
>
Crow: [Flash Spazbo] Hello? Hello, Mr. Professor person?
Hello?
>The tiny spider drops down from above on a nearly
>invisible thread. Peter, below, is oblivious, as the
>arachnid descends.
Mike: Spider!
Tom: He is our hero!
> It lands on his hand as he is taking
>his last shot. He feels a stinging pain and sees the
>spider. He smashes it.
Mike: [Peter, pathetic] Grrr! I'm the Hulk! Hulk smash!
Grrr!
> Stands rubbing his hand.
Mike: Now he faces north.
Tom: Think about direction and wonder why you haven't
before.
Crow: Haven't now.
Tom: Before.
Crow: Now.
Tom: Forget it. We'll ask the Music Geek which one's right
after we finish this.
> Then
>hurries after the group.
>
Tom: And who's Then?
Crow: Geez, who named these people anyway?
Mike: So I'd wager the percentage of spiders who eat radioactive
flies that overlaps the percentage of spiders who bite
people is pretty damn narrow.
>Peter on the subway on the way home. He is rubbing his
>hand, which is red and swollen. He is perspiring and
>feels faint. His lips are dry.
>
Tom: And his feet stink! Phew!
Mike: This looks like a job for Suzie Chapstick!
>By the time Peter gets home, his vision is blurry.
Crow: Same thing happened to me when I first switched to
contacts.
> He
>goes straight to bed... avoiding Aunt May.
Mike: But colliding full speed with Uncle Ben.
> He pulls off
>his clothes and staggers toward the bed, but collapses on
>the floor.
>
Tom: Right on top of his toothpick model of the Eiffel
tower.
>He is wracked by a convulsive tremor, like a seizure. He
>is plunged into a psychotropic state...
Crow: That spider must have eaten an LSD-laced fly.
> an abyss of dark
>visions which yawns beneath him.
Mike: Visions of Gotham danced through his head.
> He falls into the
>maelstrom, barraged by hallucinatory manifestations.
Crow: Well, Pfizer did warn hallucinatory manifestations
occurred in less than 0.1% of all patients.
Tom: Is this a dagger I see before me?
>Disturbing images of webs...
Mike: Ain't It Cool News! CNet! MyYahoo! SVAM!
> from a POV as if crawling
>over them. Glistening eyes in the dark.
Crow: Turn around, bright eyes!
> Sudden predatory
>lunges.
Mike: [Richard Simmons] Aaand *lunge* 2, 3, 4, *lunge* 2, 3, 4.
Come on work it! You call yourself a spider? You can't
catch prey if you don't stretch! Now *lunge* 2, 3, 4!
> Prey struggling hopelessly to escape.
Tom: Linda Hamilton's divorce lawyer.
Crow: Strings of sentence fragments.
Mike: Outraged grammar teachers.
> A David
>Lynch bio-horror montage of spiderworld.
Mike: Come down and visit Spiderworld! Kids under 5 ride
the Arachnowhirly for free!
> Shadowy images
>of rooftops... crawling over buildings and fences.
Tom: And Peter dreams of boot camp...
>Leaping through the dark air...
>
Mike: As he floats down the mighty rivers of Saskatchewan!
>Peter awakens in the sunlight. He opens his eyes,
>relieved to be out of the nightmare.
Tom: Then he realizes that he is still in this movie.
Crow: [Peter] I hate this place.
> That it was just a
>dream. He blinks, looking around and screams. He is
>about 80 feet up a high tension tower... wearing only his
>underwear.
Crow: [Peter] At least I'm not in class this time.
> Below him, morning traffic moves along the
>street. Nobody looks up.
>
Tom: Except those blasted sheep.
>CUT TO PETER sneaking along a fence, trying not to be
>seen. He hides in the bushes as two girls from his class
>go by.
Crow: Then he jumps out in front of them, and opens his
trench coat wide!
> Deeply embarrassed and confused, Peter makes it
>back to his house.
Tom: So, just a typical morning for Petey, then?
>
>He slips inside and gets ready for school. He is pale and
>shaky.
Crow: Like champagne Jello.
> He rushes past Aunt May and Uncle Benjamin, saying
>he is late.
Mike: Hey, I bet he sells rice for a living. [chuckles]
Crow: He's going to die, Mike.
Tom: Jeez. One of the most important life lessons that
Marvel gives us and you crack jokes.
> He goes outside, around the house,
Mike: Sees his shadow...
> and climbs
>into a basement window.
Crow: Aw crap, sixty more pages of script.
> He goes to a dark corner and
>huddles there, shaking. His teeth are chattering. He
>hugs his knees to his chest and drifts into semi-
>consciousness.
>
Tom: Looks like he feels the same way.
>His eyes fall on something moving in a ray of sunlight
>coming in the window.
Mike: Trixie, playing with her friend Sunbeam.
> It is a spider, descending on a
>single silken strand.
Crow: And Charlotte rappels in to save the scene.
>
>To Peter it is like a heavenly vision, the tiny figure
>filling his entire consciousness in some sort of
>hallucinatory magnification.
Tom: That's it! I shall become a spider to strike fear
in the hearts... Yeesh! What am I thinking?
> The morning sun backlights
>it and it seems to glow with a golden radiance.
Crow: It's going Super Saiyan!
> It is
>like some kind of divine messenger,
Mike: Although I fail to see why Dionysus is operating in
this manner.
> waving its legs slowly
>as if trying to tell him something.
Crow: [spider] Two-legged freak! I laid eggs in your earhole,
whaddaya think of that?!
> He is riveted by it,
>hypnotized by its otherworldly beauty and grace.
>
Mike: And appalled that the writer's ripping off Batman Forever.
>Peter comes in the front door of the house after dark. He
>passes the living room, telling his Aunt and Uncle that he
>has to study.
Tom: [Ben] Study what, Peter?
Mike: [Peter] Turning into a spider. I mean porn. I MEAN
DRUGS! I MEAN... !
Tom: [Ben] Have a nice time.
> They ask him if he's okay. He says sure,
>fine.
>
Crow: [writer] Note to self: Insert dialogue here.
>Peter looks in the bathroom mirror. He looks normal.
Tom: Compared to what?
> He
>looks at his hands. They have stopped shaking.
Mike: And have turned an interesting shade of blue.
> It
>appears to be over, whatever it was.
Tom: I wish we could say the same.
> He rubs his wrists,
>unconsciously. Rubbing his thumbs over the insides of his
>wrists. They hurt but who knows why.
>
Crow: No reason, except maybe for the fact that he had a
near death experience...
>He notices suddenly that he can see perfectly. But that
>he is not wearing glasses.
Tom: Oh gee, did we forget to mention that?
> He rushes into the bedroom and
>puts them on... the world goes fuzzy.
Mike: Satchel and Bucky are jumping all around the place...
> He throws them
>across the room. Rubs his eyes. Wow! The poison cured
>his myopia.
Tom: That sounds like a good name for a rock band.
Mike: Been there. Done that. Formed in 1994. One CD,
"Didn't Call, Didn't Show." Broke up in 1996.
Tom: And yet you can't remember how to program the VCR.
> Cool.
>
Crow: Of course, everything tastes like mustard now...
Mike: Let's wait for the scene where he lifts his hair and
sees six new eyes on his forehead.
>Peter goes to bed, exhausted by the ordeal. He sleeps
>soundly. The spider dream comes again.
Tom: o/~ To dream... the arachnoidal dream! o/~
Mike: o/~ To dread... getting eaten by birds! o/~
Crow: o/~ To lurk... where the brave dare not scuttle! o/~
> This time rather
>than a dark, roaring horror of confusing, disjointed
>images... it is more refined.
Tom: Cameron must have let someone else direct this part.
> An aerial ballet of eerie
>grace... the weaving of an orb-web from the spider's point
>of view. Shimmering geometry in cold black space.
>
Crow: Okay, is this a movie or a Laser Floyd show?
Tom: I say, a screenplay in verse.
>THE NEXT DAY. Tight on Peter as he wakes up.
Mike: This is like a Folgers commercial- except instead
of coffee, he'll be sucking the juice from a
grasshopper head.
> He opens
>his eyes cautiously. Not knowing what to expect. PULL
>BACK to reveal that he is still in bed.
Crow: But the bed is in THE GIRL'S LOCKER ROOM! AAUGH!
> All is normal.
Tom: Except for the push-up bra and stiletto pumps.
>He breaths a sigh of relief. In fact... he feels pretty
>good. Lots of energy. He pulls back the covers and...
>
Mike: Things suddenly take a turn for the weird.
>Something is causing the sheet to stick to him.
Tom: Oh no! Peanut Butter Man has struck again!
> He lifts
>it, revealing a sticky, white mass completely covering
>him, gluing him to his bedding. It is some silky
>substance webbing him into the covers.
Mike: Real subtle metaphor there, Jimmy. Real subtle.
> He cries out in
>dismay...
Crow: [Peter] Oh yuck Now Aunt May's gonna give me those
funny looks again...
> struggling to free himself from the gluey
>strands. Where did it come from? He notices his
>wrists...
Mike: Wonders why handcuffs dangle from his left one...
>
>They are oozing a pearlescent white fluid
Tom: EW, YUCK! EWWW!
Crow: Who pays for product placement of nocturnal
emissions?! Ick!
> from almost
>invisible slits about a quarter of an inch long.
Mike: It's James Cameron's David Cronenberg's "Spider-Man".
> He
>pushes on the skin next to one of the slits and...
Crow: With an ecstatic gasp, the bottom drops out of his
mind.
> a dark
>shape, the size and color of a rose-thorn...
Mike: It's a tumor!
Tom: [Arnold] It's not a tuma!
> emerges from
>beneath the skin. It shoots a jet of liquid silk into his
>face.
>
Crow: Sweet! Built in Silly String!
>Peter screams at the top of his lungs.
Mike: [Peter] THEY'VE TAKEN AWAY MY BEST PLOT
CONTRIVANCE!!!!
>
>Aunt May comes to the door. "Peter, are you alright?"
Tom: [Peter] Uh, nothing! Nothing! Just some Titanic
flashbacks.
>"Yes," he answers, nervously. "I'm... fine, Aunt May.
Crow: I think I just became a man!
> I
>was just... uh... practicing for a school play."
Crow: Good excuse, wrong universe.
Tom: At the university, Peter must've stumbled into the seminar,
Covering Up for Talking to Entities Unseen By Others,
given by guest speaker Dr. Sam Beckett.
>Aunt May says she's so happy that he's getting into other
>activities.
>
Mike: Well, when you get a role like Quasimodo, good is
debatable.
>He gets out of bed and pulls the silky webbing off
>himself, realizing how strong the stuff is.
Crow: Ripping off his skin was his first clue.
> He looks
>again at the horrifying "spinnerets" on his wrists.
Tom: Still... looks better than wearing a "Swatch".
> He is
>hyperventilating... freaking out.
Mike: Looks like Dr. Feelgood needs to talk Petey down.
> Like the guy in Kafka's
>Metamorphosis, he has woken up to find out he is a bug.
>
Crow: Well, arachnid actually, but let's not split hairs.
>Peter bangs out the back door of his house. He starts to
>run.
Mike: Then he dies his hair bright red, starts crossdressing
and begins talking in German.
> Anywhere. Trying to get away from himself.
Tom: I tried that once, but everywhere I went there I was.
> Away
>from what is happening to him. He runs and runs in a
>blind frenzy, not realizing how fast he is going.
>
Mike: Hey! Watch out for that-
[The bots make crunching noises.]
Mike: -telephone pole...
>Peter shoots through the trees.
Crow: Quickly passing the Evil Dead Cam.
> He burst out into a
>street.
Mike: He cuts to the left, breaks a tackle, he's at the
40, the 30, the 20 - he *could* *go* *all* *the*
*way*!!!
>
>Right in front of a speeding delivery truck.
Crow: Ah! Peter's going to reenact his brethren being
stepped on by an 8-year old.
>Peter leaps. The truck roars on... horn honking. Peter
>realizes he is twenty feet above the ground.
Tom: Quick on the uptake, isn't he?
>He yells in terror. He is sticking to the side of a
>perfectly smooth building, by his palms two stories up.
Mike: Boy, those PDA's get more advanced every year.
>Like a cat, stuck in a tree, he doesn't know how to get
>down.
>
Crow: Ah. He's like Mike at a dance club.
Mike: Hey!
>A kid rides by on a bike.
>Hey! Peter yells. Kid!
Crow: [Peter] What is today?
Tom: [kid] Why, it's Christmas Day, sir!
> Call 911!
>The kid looks at him and rides off fast. Peter gingerly
>pulls one palm loose... then loses traction and falls--
>
Mike: [Peter] Alright I'm free! AHHHHH!!!
>Landing with perfect catlike grace on feet and hands. He
>stands unsteadily.
>
Tom: Hey, this seems familiar...
Crow: If he starts flying around with his butt in the air,
put me out of my misery.
>What is going on?
Crow: What's the buzz?
Tom: Yeah! Tell us what's a-happening!
> His body is changing. Where will it
>stop?
Crow: It's The Parker Show!
Tom: Actually, Peter eventually does become a man-spider
after his mutation spikes above the plateau.
Mike: Tom, any more trivia and I start reciting Survivor
lyrics.
Tom: Fine. Sheesh. Spoilsport.
> He tests his arms and legs, feeling the strange
>energy pulsing through his muscles.
>
Mike: He's hitting puberty at light speed!
>SEVERAL SCENES FOLLOW, of Peter realizing his new physical
>powers...
Tom: A veritable montage of discovery!
> strength and agility. His horror begins to turn
>to exhilaration as he finds himself capable of things he
>never dreamed of.
Mike: Like tap-dancing.
> He finds his skinny body suddenly more
>muscular, man-like.
Crow: It's too bad we don't have some of those spiders up here,
huh Mike?
Mike: Watch it.
> But beyond that he has inhuman power
>in his muscles... he picks up the back end of a small car
>by its bumper.
Tom: Which *really* surprised the people inside...
> Is he dreaming?
>
Crow: Or is he in Iowa?
>He finds a position of his hand which seems to trip the
>spinnerets in his wrist. Hand bent back to 90 degrees,
>index and pinky finger extended.
Mike: I could do that, but I'd rather not break my hand.
Tom: [Hrmphs] Mr. Attention to Detail gets the hand position
correct, but fails to notice that his beloved Science
Boy Wonder has always synthesized the webbing in a home
lab.
Mike: Two worlds collide, rival nations...
Tom: Alright, alright. I'll stop.
> The fluid jets out under
>pressure like a shot from a squirt gun, instantly
>hardening into a strand tougher than nylon.
Tom: That wasn't from the spider. That was from eating
too much squirt cheese straight from the can.
> He tests
>it... can't break it. He even finds that it will support
>his weight. He realizes it is spider silk.
Crow: So why doesn't it come out of his butt, like a real
spider?
Mike: Crow!
Crow: Hey, it's a legitimate complaint!
> Peter shoots
>some up a tree limb and hangs from it.
Tom: His body would be discovered the next morning. Gil
Grissom will be quite puzzled over the nature of
the noose.
> Starts swinging
>back and forth... yelling with the thrill of it.
>
Crow: At least until the guys in the white coats get him.
>CUT TO Peter at school, with his sleeves pulled down...
Mike: Hiding the marks that come from using trendy
Redrum heroin!
Tom: Mike! No!
>nervously looking around. Nobody notices him.
Crow: He tells Pete about all the pranks he pulled that
got blamed on Dolly, Billy, Jeffy, and PJ.
> He
>realizes that even though the most profound change
>imaginable has happened to him, no one else knows... or
>needs to know.
Mike: Or even *wants* to know.
Crow: Ah, he got bit by an Oliver North spider.
> Which is good... because he's already
>enough of a misfit. No point letting them know he's a
>complete freak.
>
Tom: That's what the skirt is for.
Crow: Heck, he's the kind you don't take home to mother.
>In biology class he tells the teacher he wants to do the
>term project on spiders.
Tom: [teacher] Do it on paper like everyone else, weirdo
freak!
> Mary Jane is aghast. She thinks
>they're revolting.
Mike: Cuz she's a girl and all.
Tom: She thinks that about K-Mart too.
> Peter just wants to know more about
>them. Because he wants to know more about himself. But
>he can't exactly tell her that.
Tom: So he gives her a sly cover story about having an
arachnid fetish.
>
>Peter, in a junkyard after school.
Crow: Constructing sentence fragments.
> After making sure no-
>one is around, he practices shooting silk.
Tom: BLAM! Ha, gotcha, expensive designer tie!
> MONTAGE of him
>learning to control the flow, the diameter, the dispersion
>etc., like a real spider does. We see him practicing web-
>making.
Mike: And making cute little doilies for his aunt.
>Screwing up.
Tom: Getting frustrated. Vowing revenge against
scriptwriters.
> Getting more accurate.
Mike: Though, the writing's still as loose as ever.
> Then gunslinger
>moves,
Crow: Waiting outside the dark tower, hangin' out with
the Langoliers...
> shooting the stuff around. Nailing a pop can in
>mid-air.
>Cut to long-shot... the area completely covered in webs.
Tom: Leaving plenty of samples for Scully and Mulder.
>A total mess.
Crow: Somewhat like... Well, you know.
Tom: Let's take a break.
[The trio stands and exits the theater.]
[1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ]
[As the doors open, we can see Mike leaning on the control
console, sipping a cup of coffee and reading a copy of
"Stupid White Males." After a moment, Crow enters, wearing
a red and blue Spiderman costume.]
Crow: Hello citizen!
[Mike glances up.]
Mike: Hi Crow.
[Mike continues reading.]
Crow: Who is this Crow? I'm Spiderman!
Mike: Sure, sure. Whatever. What brings you to our little
neck of the wood?
Crow: Oh, you know. The usual fighting crime thing.
Mike: There's not really much crime up here. Although
there is this little gold robot who keeps stealing
my E.L. Fudges.
Crow: Oh, he was probably framed.
Mike: I'm sure. Well, your spider powers should probably
help you catch the real thief. Just like OJ did.
Crow: Oh, I don't have spider powers.
Mike: You don't?
Crow: Nope.
Mike: But yet you call yourself Spiderman.
Crow: Well sure! You see, just recently I was bitten
by a radioactive spider.
Mike: And you gained super strength and the ability
to climb walls, right?
Crow: Nope. I learned that if I spoke to spiders, I
could help train them.
Mike: [Looking up] You can train spiders?
Crow: Yep. If I speak to them in a calm and soft
manner.
Mike: So, you're basically a spider whisperer?
Crow: I guess you can put it that way.
Mike: Crow, go away.
Crow: Oh ho! Evil is afoot! I'm off!
[Crow exits. Mike shakes his head and returns to reading.
Seconds later, Tom enters, also dressed in a Spiderman
outfit. Tom moves unsteadily over to the console.]
Tom: Hi.
[Mike looks up.]
Mike: Hi "spidey". Let me guess. You've been bitten by
a radioactive spider.
Tom: Yeah, it was glowing and all.
Mike: And now you've got these fantastic spider powers.
Tom: I guess. I just mostly feel really woozy.
Mike: Oh. Well, maybe you should sit down.
Tom: Yeah. I think I'll do that.
[Tom wobbles offstage.]
Mike: Take some Pepto-Bismol too! And maybe some
anti-venom!
[Mike shakes his head again and goes back to his reading.
After a moment he sighs heavily.]
Mike: Boy, I'm not mentioned anywhere in here. With the title,
I figured I'd be a shoo-in.
[Gypsy enters, also dressed ala Spidey.]
Gypsy: Hey Mike.
Mike: Hey Gyps. Let me guess, you were bitten by a radioactive
spider.
Gypsy: Huh? What are you talking about?
Mike: I'm sorry. I just figured with the costume...
Gypsy: What costume?
[She exits. As she leaves, the movie sign begins to flash.]
Mike: I probably don't want to know the answer to that one.
[With a shrug, Mike hits the lights and the door sequence
begins.]
[6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ]