(repost)MiSTed- Death Ray Weapons

[Currie1501]

(8th season opening, with one small change. Instead of going backwards through
the numbered chambers, we see a cabinet suddenly appear in front of the
asteroid with Mystery Science Theater 3000. The cabinet is actually Tom's
TARDIS. When the SoL was annihilated by Pearl, Tom got an idea from the Dr.
Who fanfics and built a TARDIS to escape. For the uninformed, Tom's TARDIS is
a large wooden cabinet which contains a whole other dimension existing to make
it nice and roomy and to hold the several primitive species he plans to enslave
and use as custodians. We hears voice coming from inside the TARDIS.)

MIKE: I like that food court you put in.
TOM: It's part of my plan. I'm going to use the TARDIS as a vast interstellar
shopping mall, traveling from one point in space- time to another. Think of
the profit!
CROW: Y'know, I'm a little homesick for SoL. Despite all the bad memories.
TOM: Don't worry. Press that button. That'll get us to the Holodeck.
MIKE: This button?

(SoL. Mike and the bots suddenly pop back into existence.)

TOM: No, that button sends us- No! You pushed the button!
MIKE: Is this the, uh, Holodeck?
TOM: No, Mike. This is the actual SoL, right before we decide to get into that
game where the Satellite gets blown to pieces. You activated the Emergency
Time Teleporter. When the TARDIS is crippled by an attack and unable to escape
through time, we push it, and we don't have to join that war game and explode
again.
CROW: So, we just missed out on a life of unimaginable luxury because Mike
can't tell a little green button from a big red button.
TOM: Yeah, that's pretty much it.

(Gypsy enters stage right.)

GYPSY: Hey guys! I just got us into this really cool game I heard some guys
talking about!
CROW: Oh, just perfect.
MIKE: We'll be endlessly trapped in time! Forever to repeat ourselves over and
over! Just like that episode of ST:TNG!

(Set rocks wildly. Mike falls over in the middle of TNG.)

TOM: What just happened?
GYPSY: We've been caught in a space-time anomaly.
CROW: Mike, you said something about Star Trek similarities?
GYPSY: It bounced us into a seperate dimension.
MIKE: Will we have to reset our clocks?
TOM: Folks, we'll be back in a minute, as soon as we define what a minute is
according to the chronological laws governing this certain universe. So, we
might be back in a week or so.

(<Insert funny spoofs of commercials here>)

(SoL)

MIKE: Well, have we found out what caused the anomaly?
CROW: The cabinet TARDIS's chronological navigation system misfired as a result
of the teleportation. Without a destination, it remained in the Time Zone
until it disintegrated. The atoms of the dimension inside it, however, were
still time-traveling, although they were going nowhere, and the constant
activity of the quantum units deteriorated the barrier between our universe and
this one in certain places.
MIKE: What does that mean?
CROW: It's your fault again.
MIKE: I thought so.
CROW: The thing is, it only deteriorated in the places where the TARDIS has
reappeared in time.
MIKE: Wait a minute- That would mean-

(Van light flashes)

MIKE: Awwww, crud.(hits Van light)

(Surface of unknown planet. Van is parked in background. Pearl is in the
foreground with Observer.)

PEARL: Well, Nelson, you've managed to get us in another one of these
situations again. At least you didn't blow up another planet.

(SoL)

MIKE: That's always good to hear. So what's our stinking heap of Usenet for
today?

(Planet)

OBSERVER: May I?
PEARL: Sure.
OBSERVER: Your manure load for this evening is entitled "death ray weapons".
It speculates on the existence of radioactive beams that the U.S. and Russia
have been zapping each other with. I'll give you one guess for where I got it
from.

(SoL)

TOM(hops up and down excitedly): Ooh! Ooh! I know!
MIKE(waves hand frantically): Me! Me! Pick me!
CROW(hops with hand waving in air): Alt.conspiracy!

(Planet)

OBSERVER: Sorry, Crow. I didn't say you could answer. Mike?

(SoL)

MIKE(puts hand down): Alt. conspiracy.
CROW: That's what I said!
MIKE: Yeah, but you spoke out of turn.
TOM: Oh, I thought it was from the alt.startrek.creative FAQ.
MIKE: When it involves the U.S. government and death rays, it's always
alt.conspiracy. (Post Sign) We'll continue the lesson later because we got POST
SIIIGGGGNNNNN!!!!!
TOM & CROW: AAUUUUGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!

(6...5...4...3...2...1...Theatre)

CROW: Insert Universal International Productions logo here.

>Subject: death ray weapons

TOM: Riding with Death Ray Weapons.
MIKE: Danger! Death Ray Weapons!
CROW: Terror from the Year Death Ray Weapons!
(pause)
CROW: Wait, that didn't come out right.

>From: no...@none.com (baba)

TOM: Huh, Boba Fett entered the Witness Protection Program.
MIKE: Who wouldn't, after "Star Wars:Return to Hoth"?

>Date: Tue, 08 Jul 1997 05:41:57 GMT
>Message-ID: <5psl2l$2pp$1...@enyo.uwa.edu.au>
>
>About 6 years ago, I remember listening to a tape

ALL: HOOKED ON PHONICS WORKED FOR ME!

>
on which a >member of
>the US army claimed

CROW: That he had never seen that woman, let alone-
MIKE: Crow...

> that Russia and the US have
weapons
>which
>work by
>emitting a certain type of radiation which mimics disease.

TOM: Yeah, they had some real trouble with the mumps around Chernobyl.

>
The >basis
>of this was publicly published research papers in which a >russian
>researcher found that dieing cells

MIKE: Don't live very long.

>
emit a certain type of >radiation
>which make other cells around them die.

CROW: As opposed to perfectly harmless radiation.

>
In the experiment >similar
>cells were placed in separate containers, separated only by a >quartz
>window- which is transparent to UV.

TOM: We separated these cells with one of the leading brands of quartz window.
But look at the improvement when we use Tide Ultra Quartz Window!

>
When the cells in one >chamber
>were killed, by various means such as chemicals, viruses etc,

MIKE: Fireaxes, Holy Vanilla Extract, popping their heads off with your thumbs-
Wait! Those are the ways to kill DevilBunnies! Sorry about the inside joke.

>the
>cells in the adjacent chamber began to die in the same way, >although
>no agent was added to them. When the quarts was replaced by

CROW: Pints.

>glass,
>this phenomena did not occur, indicating that the radiation is
>somewhere in the UV region

TOM: Alabama, the Heart of the UV Region.

> since glass
allow UV through.

CROW: Didn't he just say that it didn't allow UV through?
TOM: Let's just hope it's a typo and that he didn't directly contradict himself
in the same sentence.

>
>Has anyone head of such research having been carried out or is >it
>bull?

MIKE: It's both. People have heard of such research, but it is bull. On
alt.conspiracy, everyone has heard the same bull over and over again.

>
>

CROW: We're clear.
TOM: Mike, Crow and I have something to talk to you about.
MIKE: Sure.

(1...2...3...4...5...6...Bridge. Mike is alone.)

MIKE: Hey guys? Where are you? What did you want to talk to me about?
TOM(offscreen): Over here Mike!
MIKE: Ah, I- Huh?

(Camera follows Mike as he goes to our left. Tom is in judge's robes and the
white wig from the Seventies Song from Riding With Death. He is also behind a
big- uh- whatever those things are that judges sit in. Crow is standing in
front of the judge- sitting- thingy.)

TOM: Read the charges, Crow.
CROW: Mike has allegedly been reading the FAQ's for the newsgroup
alt.devilbunnies, as is suspected by his sudden knowledge of how to kill
DevilBunnies. The very knowledge of the FAQ is a crime itself, but he also
apparently has read from the said newsgroup alt.devilbunnies, where he came
across the illegal documents.
TOM: How do you plead?
MIKE: Uh-
TOM: Let it be recorded that the defendant has admitted he's guilty.
MIKE: Uh-
TOM: The method of execution shall be radioactive death beams to kill off your
cells. Please remove all glass from your body so we can effectively fry you.
MIKE: Uh-
CROW: Die! (Crow stares menacingly at Mike, making little death ray noises.
Mike clutches his chest and slowly sinks to the ground.)
TOM: Hey *cool*, it worked. What disease did you give him?
CROW: I'm not sure. I'll give him a diagnostic.

(Planet. Pearl and Observer are still in the foreground.)

OBSERVER: So how did you like that post?

(SoL. Tom is now wigless, and there is no judge-sitty-thing in sight.)

TOM: Not bad. We kind of killed Mike using one of the ideas from the post.

(Planet. Pearl looks heartbroken.)

PEARL: Bu-but-I wanted to kill him!

(SoL)

TOM: Well, we got to him first.
CROW(rushing onstage): Tom! We're in trouble!
TOM: What?
CROW: I found out what Mike has!
TOM: What is it?

(Suddenly, Mike appears in a leisure suit, and the disco ball drops from the
ceiling.)

CROW: Disco Fever!
BOTS: AAAUUUUUGGGHHHHHH!!!!!

(The 'bots continue to scream in agony as Mike dances to "That's The Way I Like
It" by K.C. and the Sunshine Band.)

(Planet. Observer is comforting Pearl.)

OBSERVER: There there. See? Look, they're in hideous pain already.
PEARL: But I'm not *causing* it!

(SoL. Mike is now dancing to "Play That Funky Music White Boy".)

TOM: Pearl! Please! Help us! This hurts a lot!
CROW: We'll do anything!

(Planet)

PEARL: Well...all right. Hey Mike, have you seen the commercials for "Air
Bud"?

(SoL. Mike nods while dancing.)

(Planet. Pearl has exceptionally evil grin.)

PEARL: That's your next movie.

(SoL. Music stops abruptly, Mike screams in horror.)

MIKE: You can *NOT* mean that!!
TOM: Thanks for snapping him out of the fever, Miss Forrester.

(Planet. Pearl has evilest grin yet.)

PEARL: Snapping him out of it? I was warning you. Air Bud is coming up in
just a few minutes.

(SoL. Movie Sign goes off.)

ALL: AAAAUUUUUGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! WE GOT DISNEY MASS-PRODUCED STUPIDITY
SIGN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
___________________________________________________
\ | / PFWISH! | Characters are property of BBI. No
\ | / | copyrights were harmed in the
MiSTing
-- 0 -- | of this post.
/ | \ | Questions, comments, viruses? Send

/ | \ | mail to Curri...@aol.com. I'll
be
| waiting behind my asbestos flameproof
| shield.

[Burracho69]

TPWDS would have us believe curri...@aol.com (Currie1501) wrote:

<MiSTing snipped>

> Questions, comments, viruses? Send
>
> / | \ | mail to Curri...@aol.com.
I'll
>be
> | waiting behind my asbestos
flameproof
> | shield.
>
>

Don't you mean you'll be behing your UV proof piece of glass?

Adam
___
Keeper of the SCHWORCE. / \
May the SCHWORCE \___
be with you. \
\___ /