MiSTied "Death of a Master"

[Anthony Castellino]

(Season 9 intro)

0...2...3...4...5...6...*

(<SoL> The table is blacked out, but slowly fades up. Pan out to see
Crow and Tom at the desk, both wearing suits, and a snazzy, evening news
intro music is playing in the background, with the sounds of a
teletype.)

TOM: Good evening everybody. I’m Tom Servo…
CROW: And I’m Crow T. Robot, here on the Satellite of Love, to present
an Onion:
Special Report.

(Cambot focuses on Tom, putting him on the left half of the screen while
a still shot of a pretty young girl is put up on his right.)

TOM: Today, in a shocking turn of events, Miss Teen USA seizes the crown
and declares
herself Miss Teen USA for life!

(Footage of the Miss Teen USA pageant is shown.)

CROW (voice over): Daytona Beach, Florida. Moments after being crowned
1998 Miss
Teen USA, Melissa Kenner, a 17 year old Joplin, MO highschool senior,
used her
newfound power to purge the Teen USA government and install herself as
supreme
leader for life.
TOM (v.o.): "All hail Miss Teen USA," proclaimed Kenner, the 1997 Miss
Tenn Missouri,
minutes after her ascension to the throne. "All hail the glorious new
regime."
CROW (v.o): Employing a six-girl coalition to overthrow the panel of
celebrity judges,
Kenner firmly established herself as the supreme power in Teen USA. "I
am the prettiest," she said, declaring herself Miss Teen USA For Life.
"I am also the sweetest."
TOM (v.o.): Resplendent in a shimmering white evening gown and bedecked
with the
coveted Miss Teen USA tiara, Kenner tearfully waved and smiled at
onlookers as she clutched a bouquet of roses, flanked by her elite
machine-gun wielding secret
police, the Revlon Guard. Mandatory audience applause was enforced with
the
threat of immediate execution.

(Footage of death a despair for the rest, with Melissa Kenner
superimposed on it all.)

CROW (v.o): Kenner, who hopes to be a veterinarian one day because "I
love horses so
much," employed brutal force in establishing her military style junta,
seizing control of Teen USA through swift, violent, deployment of the
Revlon Guard. The teen beauty credited her success to "a bright smile, a
positive attitude and a willingness to eliminate anyone who stands in my
way."
TOM (v.o): Kenner's inner circle includes Miss Congeniality Amanda
Rochlin of
Connecticut and Salon Selectives' "Teen With Style" winner Missy Harris
of
Delaware.

(Pictures of the aforementioned are shown, then footage of a street
battle.)

CROW (v.o): An 11th-hour attempt to reclaim power by pageant hosts Bob
Goen and
Shari Belafonte-Harper backfired, resulting in their on-air execution at
Kenner's
hands. Celebrity judges critically wounded in the purge include Home
Improvement's Zachery Ty Bryan, Mary Kay Cosmetics vice-president Andrea

Iwerks and Superstar Management CEO Albert Sloan.

(Go back to Tom and Crow.)

TOM: On Monday, Kenner declared martial law across Teen USA and unveiled
the new
constitution of her regime. "The law will be dispensed by me, okay?" she
said.
"Everybody has to do what I say,when I say, as I see fit. Only the
popular shall
determine the fate of the masses."
CROW: Among the original Miss Teen USA Pageant rules she has already
repealed is the
one barring pageant winners from dating during their term. "I shall date
the boys I
wish, when I wish," Kenner said."But I will not go to bed with them. I
am saving
myself for the man I marry, because sex is more special when you wait."

(Show footage of Bill Clinton talking and then Melissa Kenner talking,
when appropriate.)

TOM (v.o): Though no formal diplomatic relations have been established
between the Teen
USA government and that of the U.S., White House officials have
expressed a
willingness to open a line of dialogue with the newly formed republic.
When asked
what she would say if she could talk to President Clinton about one
issue, Kenner
said, "I would ask him to put more money into saving the environment,
because,
when you think about it, this is the only planet we've got, and we need
to make it a
better place for our children to grow up in." Added Kenner: "All enemies
of the
state will be crushed."

(Back to Tom and Crow.)

CROW: Kenner intends to use her $150,000 in cash and prizes to
"consolidate Teen
USA's power into an unstoppable military juggernaut." Her favorite movie
is Titanic.
TOM: This has been an Onion: Special Report. Goodnight and god bless.

(Commercials.)

(<SoL> Mike is talking on a cell phone and seems very intense while Tom
and Crow are off to the side.)

MIKE (to phone): Yes, yes, I know copyright laws are very important…
TOM: Geeze, I think we really screwed up this time.
MIKE (to phone): No, no it was not meant as slander or libel to Miss
Kenner.
CROW: You know what this means, Tom?
TOM: Yep, no RAM chips for a month.
MIKE (to phone): Yes, alright. Okay goodbye. And thanks for not
pressing charges.

(He hangs up. He turns to them.)

MIKE: You two…

(He makes like he’s going to lunge for them, but the mad light is
flashing.)

MIKE: Aw, great. T. Herman Zweibel and associates are calling.

(He hits the light.)

(<Castle Forrester> Bobo and Brain Guy are upfront.)

BOBO: Oh my! What terrible news! Were hostages taken? What happened
to the
hostages?
OBSERVER: (With a look of disgust.) Oh shut up you brainless
Ebola-carrying simian!
Go and watch your Great Space Coaster reruns.
BOBO: I’m gone.

(He leaves to go watch TV.)

OBSERVER: Well Mike, we’ve hit a bit of a snag down here. The heating
bill for this
castle was a little higher than we anticipated so Pearl went and got an
extra job at the local Hooters to make ends meet. So, she put me in
charge of today’s experiment.
MIKE: You know, I can help you cover the rest of the bill if you let us
go this week.
OBSERVER: Not on your life, you primate. I still owe you one for
blowing up my planet.
And I’ve got something here that just, might, work! It’s a nice little
Star Wars
fanfic…
MIKE & BOTS: Noooooo…
OBSERVER: …entitled "Death of a Master." But just because you see Luke
Skywalker in
immense pain does not deaden yours!
TOM: Luke Skywalker, in pain? It just might be worth our own!

(Lights and sirens.)

ALL: Fanfic sign!

(Mike hits the light and they run offstage.)

*…6…5…4…3…2…0

CROW: Yes yes! Luke is going to bit the big one! I’ve dreamed of this
moment ever since
Darksaber came out!

>Death of a Master

TOM: The Biggie Smalls story!
MIKE: Yeah, right.

>Toni Carlini
>Gotta...@aol.com

MIKE: What’s the "MH" stand for?
CROW: "My Hand."
MIKE: Hey!

> Dying. He was dying.

TOM: Well, technically, we’re all dying since birth. Is their anything
special about this
individual’s dying?
CROW: It’s Luke Skywalker.
TOM: ‘Nuff said.

> Luke Skywalker was laying
>on his pallet on Yavin IV. Recent tests showed his body
>weakening.

CROW: Not even viagra will save him now.
TOM: Serves you right for doing The Guyver.

> 'Well,' he thought grimly to himself, 'you can't
>live forever.'

MIKE: Unless you’re Dick Clark
CROW: Or Marissa Picard.

> He pulled himself up. He picked up a datapad
>holding the results of the most recent test. It said:

TOM (Luke, reading): "Gerry leaves the Spice Girls, quoting artistic
differences…" What
the hell!? When did this happen?

>Luke Skywalker
>Jedi Master

CROW: Uh-huh. Sure.
TOM: And he has a little plaque on his door that says, "The Buck Stops
Here."

>Sex:

MIKE (Austin Powers): Yes please!

> Male
>Age: 47
>Sickness:

CROW: Rocking pneumonia and the boogie-woogie flu?
MIKE: Cat-scratch fever?

> Unknown
>Symptoms: loss of breath, dizzy spells, nausea, coughing up
>blood

TOM: Ah, secondary side effects to the voice of Mary Hart.

>Cure: Unknown
>
> Disgusted, Luke threw the datapad across the
>room. He cradled his head in his hands and tested himself
>not to break down.

CROW (Luke, strained): Must… not… agree… to do… Laserhawk.

> He was only forty-seven. Forty-seven!

TOM: The long lost answer to life, the universe and everything!
MIKE: Yes, but what is the question?

>He couldn't be dying. It was too soon.

TOM: He should have had a V-8.
MIKE: More like a V-2.
BOTS: Heh heh.

> He never had even
>married...or even truly loved.

CROW: Or figured out the Colonel’s secret recipe.

> Was this really the path
>destiny was taking him down?

MIKE: Oh, if only you were so lucky.
TOM: The living dead have a brighter future than you do, Mark.

> He hadn't even told anyone yet. Not with a slim
>possibility that there might be a cure. He didn't want to
>upset anyone yet.

MIKE (sarcastically): Oh, see our grief.

(They all make party noises. Mike throws confetti.)

> Lately, he'd turned his office into a lab.
>He stayed up late hours trying to find a cure. The only
>person he had told was Kyp.

CROW: Because his experiment needed a good test case, so he bopped Kyp
on the noggin
and shot him into space.

> Kyp had assured him he
>wouldn't tell anyone. Lately, he'd just been there for Luke
>when Luke needed him.

CROW: Watching cheesy movies, the worst Luke could find. Luke will make
him sit and
watch them all and he’ll monitor Kyp’s mind.
MIKE: Alright, enough.
TOM: Self-Insertion Theater, everybody.

> Luke started to cough. He stumbled into the
>refresher unit.
> "Damnit!" he screamed.

TOM (Luke): Who flushed the toilet!

> This illness was frustrating him more than scaring
>him. He couldn't stop coughing, and the nausea wouldn't
>stop.

CROW: And he’s been having weird sexual fantasies about Marge Schott.
MIKE: Oh, he’s definitely sick, alright.
TOM: That would put me on a constant state of nausea, too.

> He wondered why no one noticed.

CROW: Oh, they have. They just don’t care.

> If they had, why
>hadn't they told anyone?

TOM: Yeah, Jedi are big gossip freaks.

> After taking the medicine that was prescribed to
>him from the medics, Luke stood in his room, near his
>door, wondering what he was going to do.

MIKE: Uh oh, prepare for another long bout of whining!
CROW: Hit the deck!

> He
felt dizzy
>and quickly put his hand on the door. Rubbing his eye with
>one hand, he thought, 'What is happening to me?'

TOM: Luke, did you drink from the false grail again?

> Luke slammed his left fist against the door. His
>knuckles started to bleed a little. He walked back to his
>pallet and sat down. He was restless. He closed his eyes
>and fell into a deep, dreamless, Jedi trance.

MIKE (Luke): Note to self… SLEEEEEP!

> When Luke emerged from the trance, he felt a little
>better. He check the chronometer that was on the small
>table next to his bed. It was time for evening meal.

CROW (calling out): Fruit! Fruit!
TOM (calling out): Come! Let us go shopping! Shopping you and me, for
groceries!
MIKE: Huh?
CROW: Total inside joke, Mike.

> Putting the bottle of prescribed pills in his pocket,
>he started walking down to the dining room of the Great
>Massassi Temple. He glanced around the corridor. He
>sighed as memories from the Rebellion came flooding back
>to him.

TOM: Ah, the constant state of fear and always being on the run. And
that pleasant little
surprise about his father being the devil. Those were the good days.

> He stopped by the exercise room that was once the
>hangar for the large X-Wings.

CROW: Now it was used for the album cover of Houses of the Holy.

> He ran his hand along the
>door.

MIKE (perverted Luke): Oh yes, oh door, you know what I like. Come on
baby and open up for me. You know you want to. Yes yes…

(The Bots are visibly scared.)

> Images from back then came to him. He saw Biggs
>come up to him. It was the last time he'd seen him.
> Luke squeezed his eyes shut.

CROW (Luke): Damn, that old acid is kicking in again. Oh my God, why is
a snake
coming out of the toilet?!

> Death was a horrible
>thing.

TOM: The Hemmingways seem to like it.
MIKE: Tom, don’t rock the boat.

> Then he remembered the code:

CROW: Call everybody collect and KNOW THE CODE!

> 'There is no death;
>There is the Force.' Why was the Force taking him down
>this path, then?

TOM: It wasn’t. You took a wrong turn at Albuquerque.

> He reached the dining room and walked quickly to
>the food prep units.

MIKE (Luke): "Ewok Surprise"? I think I’ll pass.

> Taking a slice of toast and a cup of
>kaffe,

CROW: Ooooh! Now we get a look into the alien language of this galaxy.
Notice the
weird spelling of the delicious caffeinated beverage.
TOM: Creative, and yet, not creative all at the same time.
MIKE: Guys, I think it’s just a coincidence.

> he sat down by himself in the far corner of the room.
>He observed the other Jedi.

CROW: And he noted with dull hatred how they wouldn’t let him sit with
them.
TOM: So the Jedi academy is your basic middle school.

> His niece and nephews had
>long since graduated, leaving the Academy to pursue other
>dreams.

MIKE: Hollywood!

> Jaina had gotten a job in mechanics,

TOM: The UAW has a chapter out here?

> working with
>Lowie building and programming computers.

CROW: And Bill Gates was born!

> Jacen had set
>up an animal shelter on the water world of Aquerien.

MIKE: Kevin Costner is a resident.

> Tenel
>Ka was with him. Zekk was still trying to be a bounty
>hunter. He visited Jaina often.

CROW: Conjugally?

> Anakin had followed in his
>mother's footsteps,

TOM: And lusts after his siblings?
MIKE: Okay, you two! That’s your final warning.

> and was next in line to be the Chief of
>State.

MIKE: I see nepotism runs riot in this galaxy, too.

> Luke watched his new order.

CROW: Hitler Youth? We’re going in a whole weird area here, Toni.

> Only a few had
>major potential. He chuckled as Nagar, a male human, tried
>to impress some of the female students. He had once been
>like that.

TOM: The peacock feathers were too much, though.

> On the other side of the room, a group of
>Wookiees and Trandoshans were having a stable
>conversation.

MIKE: Yeah sure. And at the other table a cobra and a mongoose were
enjoying a quiet
Sunday brunch.

> Luke watched as the natural enemies put
>aside their differences to make friends.

CROW: The Scorekeeper ain’t going to like this.

> It touched him that
>even though their ancestors had been enemies, the
>Trandoshans and Wookiees had gotten along.

TOM: And the Death Star is going to open up a daycare center.
CROW: Death Star children are happy children, or else!

> "Master Luke?"

MIKE: Phone call for you. Who’s the IRS?

> Luke glanced up. Kalien, a female Omwati,

TOM: Ah-ha! "Kalien", "alien." Another clever example of language
cognates.
CROW: The phonetics strike back.

> was
>standing over him. Luke recalled, Kalien had been
>recommended by Qwi Xux, a former Imperial programmer.

CROW: That weird ephemeral chick that Wedge has a crush on?
MIKE: She’s an airhead, literally.
BOTS: D’oh!

>Qwi had designed the Death Star, but Kyp Durron, turned
>to the Dark Side, wiped out her memories. Qwi was no
>longer Imperial. She and Wedge had fallen in love, but it
>wasn't meant to be.

TOM (singing): Somewhere, love will find you! Break those chains that
bind you!

> And then Wedge, with all his
>experience, had been shot down, and killed by a fleeing
>Imperial. Yes, death was a horrible thing.

MIKE: But still not as bad as RC Cola.

> "Yes, Kalien?"
> "Master Luke, do you mind if I sit?"

CROW: I don’t know, can you… Oh wait, that joke doesn’t work here.

> "No, go right ahead," Luke said, managing a small
>smile.
> Kalien sat across the table. "Master Luke, there's
>something wrong."

TOM (Kalien): We had all noticed that you weren’t whining.

> Kalien brushed back her corn silk hair.

MIKE (Kalien): Like, rilly.
CROW (announcer): Bleach-blond alien airheads reveal their crush on
wormie anti-heroes,
on the next Jerry Springer.

> "What do you mean?" Luke asked.
>Kalien took his left hand.

CROW (Luke): No! That’s the real one… OWWWWW!

> She traced her fingers
>over the cuts that were caused from Luke's outburst. The
>cuts slowly began to close. Little scars were left.
> "Sorry," Kalien apologized.

TOM (Kalien): But I’m kind of a ditz.

> "I'm not that good of a
>healer. Cilghal is teaching me how to get rid of the scars."

CROW: "If I say that my somewhat extravagant imagination yielded
simultaneous pictures
of an octopus, a dragon, and a human caricature, I shall not be
unfaithful to the
spirit of the thing. A pulpy, tentacled headsurmounted a grotesque and
scaly body
with rudimentary wings... It represented a monster of vaguely anthropoid
outline,
but with an octopus-like head whose face was a mass of feelers, a
scaly,rubbery-
looking body, prodigious claws on hind and fore feet, and long, narrow
wings
behind. This thing, which seemed instinct with a fearsome and unnatural
malignancy, was of a somewhat bloated corpulence..."
MIKE: You sure you want that teaching you tricks of the trade, Kalien?

> Luke pulled his hand back and looked at it. "That's
>pretty impressive. How long have you been here, and...how
>old are you?"

MIKE (Luke): Are you legal… ah, no matter, I’m going to die soon anyway.

> "I've been here about two years. I'm fifteen, turning
>sixteen in a few weeks."
> "Oh," Luke said.

CROW (Luke): Do like Barry White? I’ve got a collection back in my
room.

> "Master Luke, what's wrong?

TOM (Kalien): You look like you’ve just kissed your sister… oh wait, you
have, haven’t
you?
MIKE (Luke): Oh, will you people ever let me live that down!

> A lot of the students
>have noticed your activeness in the Jedi Academy has
>been, well, slowing down."
> "It's not something I'd like to discuss. I'm sorry,
>please understand. Now, if you'll excuse me,"

CROW (Luke): I have to go a Convention Com and kill some Trekkers now.

> Luke said,
>standing up.
> He walked to the exit, and felt himself start to get
>sick. He tried to use the Force to slow it down until he got
>to his room, but he couldn't breathe.

TOM (Luke): By now my lungs we aching for air.

> He leaned against the
>doorway for support. Luke felt himself get weak, and then
>he fell to the ground. The last thing he saw before he
>passed out was Kalien and a few other students running
>toward him.

MIKE (Kalien): If he dies, NO FINALS!
BOTS: Woo-hoo!

>
> When he woke up, he was surprised that he wasn't
>in the medical ward.

TOM (Luke, singing): I kinda like here in a coma, because no one here is
gonna… huh?

> He was in his room, lying on his pallet.
>Kyp was kneeling by his bed. Luke smiled weakly.

CROW (Luke): Hey, how about a hummer while you’re down there.
MIKE (angrily): All right, that’s it! You’ve gone to far.

(Mike reaches to Crow and snaps off his lower jaw.)

CROW: Urrraahhhhnnnrrrrr.

> "You okay, Luke?" Kyp asked.
> "I feel a little better now. What happened? I just
>passed out."

TOM (Kyp): You ate a ten year old can of Pac Man Pasta. Don’t you
remember?

> "The students wanted you to go to medical, but
>Kirana Ti and I carried you here, instead. We knew you
>probably wouldn't want to be fussed over."

MIKE: And the wait at Med Point is two hours long.
CROW: Uurrrrrgggg. Nrrrrrraaaaaa.

> "Thanks," Luke said.
> "So, what do you want to do? Another test?"
> Luke sat up. "No, no more tests. I'm sick of them."
> "Luke, you look terrible.

TOM: That’s nothing new.
CROW: URRRRGGGGGG!
MIKE: Crow, will you behave if I put jaw back on?
CROW: Nuh-huh.
MIKE: Okay.

(Mike reattaches Crow’s jaw.)

CROW: Nnn… Ow! That hurt Mike!

> You've lost too much
>weight from this sickness," Kyp said.
> "I think it's time to tell Leia and Han. No one else,
>though."

CROW: Death always makes a pleasant surprise.

> Luke stood up, Kyp by his side, just in case he
>needed help. He walked over to the holocom and Kyp
>punched in the numbers for Han and Leia's suite on
>Coruscant. A holo of Han popped up.

TOM (Han): Wormie? How the hell did you get this number?

> "Kyp, hi! Hi, Luke. What's up?" Han asked, with a
>grin.

MIKE (Luke): My cholesterol. How about you?
CROW (Luke): I’ll tell you what’s not up, if you get my drift.
MIKE: Crow, I’m warning you…

> "Han, get Leia, and sit down," Luke said. "I have
>some bad news."

CROW (Luke): I’m Mark Hamill.

> Han rushed off to get Leia. They were standing
>before Luke.
> "Luke, what is it? Are you okay?" Leia asked.
> Luke shook his head. "No, Leia. I'm dying.

MIKE: Great build-up, Luke. Way to let ‘em down easy.
TOM (Obi-Wan): Luke! Don’t give in to subtlety. That leads to the dark
side!

> I have
>an illness...

MIKE (singing): I’ve got a fever of a hundred and three…

> the med droids don't even know what it is."
> Han's mouth fell open. Leia's emotions reeled out
>of control.

CROW (Leia): Oh thank God… I mean, that’s terrible Luke.
MIKE (Leia): No more Seinfeld! WAAAHHHHH!

> Tears fell down her cheeks. She slumped to the
>ground. Luke looked at Leia, a knot forming in his throat. It
>pained him to see her like this.

TOM: No Leia no! Luke, you bastard! How dare you!
MIKE: Still on that kick for her, are you?
TOM: Shut up! Just shut up, Nelson!

> "I'm sorry, Leia. I searched for a cure, but I
>couldn't find one. I've had this illness for about a month, but
>lately it's gotten worse."

CROW (Luke): But when I heard they were releasing a special five-hour
version of
Titanic, I knew that it was for the best that I go now…

> Luke started pacing. He was
>frustrated again.

MIKE (Luke, pondering): Maybe Admiral Daala will go out with me… Hmmm….

> Han kneeled next to Leia. He pulled her in his arms
>and comforted her.
> "We'll be right there," Han said.

CROW (singing): To love and to comfort you…

> "No!" Luke objected. "It won't do any good."
> "Forget it, we're coming," Han said, and cut the
>connection.
> Luke, upset at this, picked up the nearest thing, a
>datapad lying on a table, and threw in across the room.

TOM: Jeeze, that’s the second time in this fanfic he’s broken that
thing.
CROW (Luke): Damn information superhighway!

> It
>hit the wall and shattered. Kyp put his hand on Luke's
>shoulder. Luke shrugged him off and sat down on his pallet.
>He was beginning to feel sick again, so he took out the pills
>and swallowed a few, not caring how many he took.
> Kyp walked to the door. "Luke,

MIKE (Kyp): Those are Pez that you’re taking.

> I'll be back

TOM: Right after these messages.

> when
>Han and Leia get here. Maybe you should sleep."
> Luke looked up at Kyp with bloodshot eyes. "I
>can't sleep," he said in a voice that scared Kyp.

CROW (singing): I can’t sleep, I can’t talk. The only thing about me is
the way I walk…

> Kyp hurriedly crept out of the room and the door
>slid closed behind him. Luke went to the 'freasher unit. He
>looked at the bottle of pills in his hand.

TOM (Luke): Hey Kyp! What’s a, uh, pla-ce-bo?

> He opened the small
>cabinet about the sink. He pulled out two more bottles and
>spilled the contents over the counter. Pills of all shapes,
>sizes, and colors rolled out. Luke sorted through the pills

MIKE (Luke): Where are my Flintstones chewables?

>and slowly began to swallow them, one by one.

TOM: The Keith Richard’s solution!

> When he was almost finished, he heard a knock at
>the refreasher unit door. Swallowing a large, blue pill,

CROW: A Sudafed? Is that really going to help.

> he
>opened the door. Leia was on the other side. She wrapped
>her arms around his neck and cried into his shoulder.
> "Luke, I love you."

TOM (Luke): Please, not here.

> "Leia, please. Be strong. I've lived my life. I've
>been through too much, and now I deserve my rest."

MIKE: Yeah, it was hard not to notice the shift from enthusiastic youth
of the Star Wars
years to the melancholic warmonger of Wing Commander.

> Leia pulled out of the one sided embrace and
>looked into her brother's eyes.

TOM: SLEEEEEP!

> They weren't the lively
>bright blue eyes she saw on the Death Star, or the serious,
>dark blue eyes she saw in Jabba's Palace on Tatooine all
>those years ago. They were cloudy and murky. The
>liveliness was gone from them.

MIKE (singing): The silence is golden now, it’s over now…

> Luke stumbled a bit, and Leia caught him. She led
>him to the pallet. Han was there, too. He put a hand on
>Luke's arm.
> "Kid, I love you.

MIKE (Han): Platonically, of course.

> You were my best friend.

CROW (Han): But you still owe me ten large from the Bulls-Pacers series.

> Gods,
>why is this happening?" He choked back tears.
> Luke smiled weakly. "Han, it's the way of the
>Force.

TOM: Aka the producers.

> No one can live forever. Just think about how
>grossly over populated the universe would be if no one
>died?"

MIKE: Well, that’s only taking into consideration Einstein’s theory of a
finite universe.
However, if this theory should prove wrong and the universe is truly
infinite,
then…
CROW: Okay, okay, shut up.

> "Yeah but...damnit!"
> Luke saw that this was frustrating Han, too. He
>heard a noise, and Jaina and Jacen burst through the door.

BOTS (Jaina and Jacen): No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!

>They ran to the side of the bed. Han held Leia as their
>children said goodbye to their uncle.
> "Uncle Luke, we came as soon as Kyp called us. Is
>there anything we can do?" Jaina asked.

MIKE (Jaina): Can we get you an adult diaper?

> Luke smiled at his neice. "Jaina, thanks for coming.
>No, it's my time.

CROW: For a really great beer.

(Tom starts humming "Let Me Clear My Throat.")

> I'm sorry."
> "Uncle Luke it's not your fault. It's the way of the
>Force," Jacen said.

TOM (Luke): Why, that’s brilliant! Why didn’t I think of that? *hack*

> Luke noticed that both were holding back tears,
>trying to be strong. He felt himself slipping into death.

MIKE: Like a nightgown.

>Anakin Solo appeared before him. He didn't even hear him
>come in the room.
> "Uncle Luke, you..."
> "I'm, dying, Anakin. Listen to me,"

CROW: Don’t… eat… your mother’s… tuna casserole. Thank you! Good
night!

> Luke said, his
>voice a whisper. "When I'm gone. I want you to take my
>body and gather up the medical ward,

TOM (Anakin): I don’t think I have the shelf space for all that, Uncle
Luke.

> and hold an autopsy.

MIKE: Have Jonathan Franks host it.

>Find out what was wrong. Find out what happened."

CROW (Luke): Find out who… shot… Kennedy.

>Luke's voice was barely audiable when he gave his last
>request.

TOM (Luke, whispering): Oil…can.

> "When you do, I want my body cremated. My
>ashes, spread..." Luke's body jerked violently.

MIKE: Uh-oh, an alien chest-burster is coming out.

> He cried out
>in pain. Leia buried her head into Han's chest. "..spread on
>Ta...Tatoo...ine. I...leave all...my po...posessions..." His
>body convulsed again. "...to you, Ana...kin So...lo." And
>with his last words, Luke Skywalker, Jedi Master, died.

CROW: Not since Roger died in Dawn of the Dead has there been a more
touching final-
request sequence.

> After the autopsy, the funeral was held...on
>Tatooine.

TOM: Just in case you, the audience, forgot.

> There was a large crowd, including all the Jedi
>Knights ever trained under the now deceased Master.

CROW: The Torgo-theme was heard playing softly in the distance.

> Han
>held onto Leia's hand tightly. His face was drained and pale
>looking, as was his wife's.
> The preist was just finishing. "If anyone has any
>words to say...please."

MIKE (priest): Or forever hold your… oh, damn, did I just do a wedding
ceremony by
mistake?

> Kyp Durron stepped up. "Luke Skywalker was a
>great Jedi Master. He pulled me from the Dark Side. He
>was a good friend, and I'll never forget him."

TOM: Oh, bravo.

(They all applaud.)

>Han took a breath. "He was always doing good.

CROW: Like selling guns to the ghettos?
MIKE: No Crow.

> I
>loved the kid.

TOM: Too bad. You’re not getting his Bud Light.

> I'm glad his life had made such a big impact
>on all of ours."

MIKE: That was one hell of a eulogy, huh guys?
TOM: Oh, it had all the emotion of a pig’s bris.

> When no one else spoke, Anakin stepped up,
>holding the urn that held the Jedi Master's ashes. He
>opened the lid and turned to the group of people.

CROW (Anakin): As you can see, the urn empty. But I will magically pull
a Jedi master
from it before you’re living eyes!
TOM: Heh-heh. "Living…"

> "A moment of silence in honor of Luke Skywalker:
>brother, master, uncle, brother-in-law, and friend."

CROW: Don’t forget general pain-in-the-ass.
MIKE (Homer Simpson): Luke Skywalker! Wife, mother, secret lover…

> The crowd fell silent and Anakin tossed the ashes
>to the wind.

CROW: And the wind blew it right back into their faces.
TOM: How awkward. I mean, what do you do in that situation. Would
brushing the dust
off be considered offensive to the dead?
MIKE: You guys are really weird.

> The remains of Luke Skywalker blew through
>the deserts of his homeworld.
>
>*THE END

ALL (singing): All we are is dust in the wind.

(They rise and start to leave.)

ALL (singing): All we are is dust in… the wind.

0...2...3...4...5...6...*

(<SoL> They’re all gathered around the table. Mike is eating a bowl of
C3-P0 cereal.)

MIKE (with mouth full): Kind of a shame, really.
TOM: What, Luke dying? Not really.
CROW: No, not at all.
MIKE (swallowing): No. (He puts his cereal down.) I mean the whole
Star Wars
fanfiction situation. You know, people might be getting the wrong
impression.
CROW: What do you mean?
MIKE: Well, surely what we’ve done is worthy of us, but it wasn’t all
that bad. And some
of those writers in the library are rather good.
TOM: Mike, you feeling okay?
MIKE: No, seriously, think about it. I mean, wasn’t Life Debt a good
story?
TOM: Yeah, you’re right. Although Cindy did later write Flight to
Bespin.
MIKE: That’s alright, it all averages out.
CROW: Yeah! I see what you mean. Like Jennifer Quail’s Tie Fighter
series. Although
the Thrawn-like female alien and the human male romance is a little off
centered,
it’s still an excellent bit of writing.
TOM: Well maybe, but what about Heather Lynn Engelberth?

(Silence, and then…)

ALL: No comment.

(The SoL starts to rumble.)

CROW: Guys! A whole fleet of alien ships are approaching!
MIKE: Quick, Cambot, give us Rocket #9.

(<Outside SoL> A convoy of alien vessels goes by slowly. All of them
have a little flag that says "funeral" written on them. Eventually, one
comes by that looks like the Millennium Falcon.)

MIKE: Something is coming in one the hexfield viewscreen.)

(Hexfield opens up. Han Solo is there.)

TOM: Whoa dudes! It’s the luckiest carpenter in the whole galaxy.
HAN: Hi, guys. Sorry if we’re holding you up, but the little cretin
finally kicked the
bucket and, wouldn’t you know it, my lovely wife decided I had to go to
the funeral, too.
LEIA (offstage): Waaaahhhh!
HAN (to Leia, clenching his teeth): Sorry dear. (To the others) She’s
still upset.
CROW: What, didn’t you like your brother-in-law, Han.
HAN: What, are you kidding. Couldn’t stand the little twerp. Had to
put up with him for
three movies where he did nothing but jack. And then I had to listen to
him prattle day in and out on how he turn the great Darth Vader back to
goodness! Little braggart. Look at me! I did all the work, and I got
along without some cosmic voodoo-thing to help me! And where has that
gotten me? When does Han get some credit?
MIKE: But Han, you got the girl.
HAN: Yeah, right. Some consolation prize! And I have to listen to her
going on and on,
"why can’t you be more like Luke." I should have put a pipe bomb in his
lightsaber long ago. And I just know they still harbored some sort of
dark little fantasy about each other. I swear, I would have offed the
little bald-faced debutante myself sooner or later. Maybe now I can get
some credit!
MIKE: O-kaaay!

(Mike turns around, spins his finger around his temple while making a
face and then closer the screen while still rants.)

CROW: They’re never the same people in person, are they?
MIKE: Whadda think, sirs.

(<Castle Forrester> Bobo is still watching TV, and Brain Guy is about
to say something when Pearl comes in, wearing a Hooters shirt, and
generally pissed off.)

PEARL (fuming): I swear, if I hear one more guy call me a hoochie-mama…
Oh, Nelson.
Having a good day?
MIKE: I was.
PEARL: Well, STOP IT! (Looks at Brain Guy.) What the hell are you
looking at?

(She slaps him and storms off, and his body collapses.)

(Fade to black.)

OBSERVER (v.o.): Oh, what a woman.

Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations
are
trademarks of and (c) 1998 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved.
Use
of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes
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no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best
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"Rubbing his eye with one hand, he thought, 'What is happening to me?'"