Msting: Dr. Thinker Double Feature
Bryan McGucken
Mystery Usenet Theater 3000
What if Meowth was a Girl/A Ghost Warning
Misting by Bryan McGucken
Original text by Dr. Thinker
Era: Chase
Categories: DnD, Poke
Season 8 Opening and Theme
(Open on the SOL Bridge. The bots appear to be engrossed in something
at the command console. Strange video game type noises emanate from
their general direction, and a robotic medieval sound track plays in
the background)
Crow: Ha ha! Eat that, primitive wizzer! No one can withstand the
almighty power of the Orochi Sword!
Tom: Oh yeah? Take this! (Pause) ...tha hell? Alright,
Beakface...what the hell did you do to my game?
Crow: Hey, don't look at me pal! You agreed I could alter your
"Dragon Warrior" game to be a two-player deal! You never told me I
couldn't do *that*.
Tom: Crow, my soldier is a girl! A *girl* you nimrod!
Crow: Now Tom! Don't get all sexist just 'cause I'm kickin' your ass
at your own game!
Tom: Crow? I've beaten "Dragon Warrior III" a zillion times! I know
where every weapon is, every piece of armor! I found a use for the
revealing swimsuit, Crow!
Crow: Um...Servo? You turned the machine off and on really fast
until it bugged up!
Tom: That...that doesn't matter Crow! (At that moment Mike walks in
and notices his friends behind the console)
Mike: Oh hey guys. Still duking it out on my old Nintendo?
Tom: Well, actually, Mike, Crow here's cheating as usual! He
reprogrammed my "Dragon Warrior III" game so he could keep beating up
on me!
Mike: Um...Servo? You can't reprogram a Nintendo game.
Tom: Oh no? Tell that to Woodstock here!
Crow: Heh heh heh! Guess there's a first time for everything, eh?
(Mike growls and is about to unplug the system when the commercial
sign flashes)
Mike: Oh, um. We'll be right back...I hope.
Commercial:
(A low, ominous heartbeat can be heard. Then the voice of Don La
Fontaine)
Don: $10,000. *Pause* $25,000 *Pause* $1,000,000, and now
$1,000,000,000 from Pepsi? Well, here at NBC...we're getting a bit
tired of chump change being thrown around! Starting this fall...a
jackpot so big, you quite literally won't know what to do with it all!
If you know just your name, you *will* win not only the biggest cash
prize in television history, but a payoff that *isn't* *bass drum
smash* *humanly* *bass drum smash* *possible* *even louder smash*.
We don't even know where *we're* going to get the money from!
Starting September 15, a cash jackpot of...infinity...can be yours
*if* you win......"The Fortune."
(When we return to the bridge, Crow and Tom appear to have been
fighting about something)
Mike: Now I want you two to hug and make up. It *is* only a game, ya
know.
Tom: *sniff* Yeah? Then why the hell'd Crow have to cheat!
*sniff!*
Crow: You never said I couldn't.
Tom: I'm sick of getting walked on, Crow! (He starts to lunge for
Crow again, but Mike holds him back)
Mike: Guys, come on. This is silly! Crow, it was very wrong for you
to reprogram one of *my* favorite games, and Tom you need to lighten
up a bit. (At that moment, the light begins to flash. Mike hits the
button, sending the scene to...
Microbus of Doom
(Pearl sits up front, reading a fantasy-looking book with the words
"Yo Noid!: A Novelization" printed on the cover. She looks up at the
camera)
Pearl: Oh hi videots! Still fighting the unbeatable foes, I see?
SOL Bridge
Mike: Hi Pearl. Well, Crow and Servo basically screwed up my
Nintendo...again! Waitaminute...what in the world are you reading,
Pearl?
Microbus
Pearl: Oh this? Well, ya know Nelstone. You may have noticed that a
lot of the old school video games are making a comeback lately? Ya
know, Nintendo, Sega Master, stuff like that?
SOL Bridge
Mike: Well, of course, madam. Crow and Servo just got done playing a
*bastardized* version of *my* "Dragon Warrior III" game!
Microbus
Pearl: Right, well, there's a guy out in California...don't remember
where exactly, but he's apparently making quite a bit of money
novelizing all those old school games. Like, for example, check this
out (looks at book) "The noid put a gentle velvet hand on his
opponent's shoulder, saying, "Aw, don't worry man. I know losing to
me sucks." The opponent responded by shoving a card into Noid's face,
saying "Suck on that, pizza face!" (lowers book)
It's...it's...*sniff* beautiful, isn't it?
SOL Bridge
Mike: Um...yeah, Pearl. Look, madam, if you're really into that
book, we're more than willing to skip this week's experiment, you
know.
Microbus
Pearl: *sniff* No, no Nelson. I just can't..."you won't see me
cry!" Oh...sorry...guess I was channeling Wilson-Phillips a bit
there. No, Nelson. This week it gets really good. For this
week...not one, but two from the guru of grammar, the proctologist of
positivity, Dr. Thinker!
SOL Bridge
Mike: Wow, Pearl. Is material really that sparse on ff.net these
days?
Bots (snickering) Good one Mike!
Microbus
pearl: No Nelson, why?
SOL Bridge
Mike: Oh, I dunno madam. It's just that...well...Thinker may be a
bad speller, but his works are so upbeat and...well...I just think you
could have come up with something a lot worse...ya know...Plutonium?
Ratliff? Abian?
Microbus
Pearl: First of all, Nelson, Abian's old news. Second, you wanna
Plutonium? 'cause I'd be more than happy to send one your way, if
you'd *really* like.
SOL Bridge
Mike: Nonono...Pearl, it's not that at all.
Microbus
Pearl: Well then, I'd strongly suggest you hightail it into that
theater before I forget that Plutonium isn't in my favorites folder
anymore! Give 'em the biz, Brain Guy!
Observer: With a good deal of rapidity, guarantor of legality!
(Observer pushes the button)
SOL Bridge
Tom: I'll get you for this, Crow! (Lights begin flashing)
Mike: Guys? Can it wait? It's Thinker sign all the way!
Tom: Not until Crow apologizes for screwing me over!
Crow: Never!
Mike: Come *on* guys! Grabs Tom, and the three head for the theater)
...6...
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Publish date: 08-29-01 - Updated: 08-29-01
story id: 386281
>
Crow: Welp, guess this fic'll go by at the speed of light then.
Mike (snickering): Well, in kilometers anyway.
>
What If Meowth Was a Girl?
>
Crow: Mike? Can you sue a veterinary surgeon for malpractice?
Mike: Hmmm...I think so...
>
by Dr. Thinker
>
Tom: Yeah, but his namesake's kinda misleading.
>
I while back I read a Pokemon story, which look at a "What If". That
"What If" was Pikachu beening girl
>
Crow: Man, why would Pikachu wanna bean a girl?
Mike: That's been Crow.
>
instead of boy. But what if Meowth was a girl?
Tom: Oh, I dunno, then it'd be just like Pikachu being a girl except
it's a Meowth! Sheesh, what's so unique about that?
>
###########################################################
>
Mike (mobster): Alright Thinker. Your days're numbered, see? (Bots
snicker)
>
While walking thought a route to a Pokemon Center in Johto. Ash
Ketchum and his friends here screamings of "I can't belive it.",
>
Tom (Gary): Ya mean that Ash Ketcham loser used his pokemon illegally
and is disqualified from all further tournaments.
Yeeeeeeehaaawwwww!!!
>
"Don't TELL the BOSS!",
and "Nooooooooooooooo! Dat can't be right.". They saw Nurse Joy
outside.
>
Crow: Sheesh! When don't they see her?
Tom: When they're sleeping I guess.
>
"What's going on here?" asked Brock.
"Jessie Tocker
>
(All make clock ticking sounds)
>
and her boyfriend, James Ringer, are here." answered Nurse Joy. "They
asked to come in once, they located Ash Ketchum and his friends."
"That's me, but they must be from Team Rocket."
>
(All laugh)
Mike: Man, I knew Ash was a bit slow on the uptake but this is
ridiculous!
Crow: Um...it's a different Jesse and James?
Tom: Yeah right Crow! Why don't they have a "Showdown at the Poke
Corral!"
Others: Fan boy!
>
stated Ash. "Becareful and be expecting the unexpected."
Both Misty and Ash nodded.
>
Crow: yeah, while Brock just stood there stupidly with his tongue
hangin' out, right? God, the older ones always get the bad rap!
>
##########################################################
All: o/ Ricki don't lose that number...it's the only one you want!
o/
>
They enter they saw many baby Meowths, Ekans, and Wheezings around the
floor.
>
Crow (Ash): Hey Misty, wanna see how many we can squish between our
toes at once?
Others: EEEWWW!!!
>
Fur and some posion
>
Mike: Ah, so this episode should really be titled "The Posion
Adventure" then?
>
sludge covered all most all
>
Tom: Yeah yeah Thinker just make up your mind!
Mike: Oh come on Servo...it's just a minor typo!
>
arena of the Pokemon Center
from it's desk to it's videophone.
"I was expecting the unexpected, but this is strange then
unexpectable." stated Misty.
>
Crow (Ash): Yeah, I mean pokemon in a poke center? Who'd a thunk it?
>
"Tell me something dat I don't know, Jamwit."
>
(All snicker)
Crow: Jamwit? Is that anything like "Meatball Head"?
>
stated a familar talking Pokemon. It was Meowth. Next, two them were
to shamefully Arbok and Wheezing. Wobbot
>
Tom (Fudd): Heh heh heh heh heh! We're huntin' wobbots!
>
was standing in the conter with Liktang.
>
Tom: Oo, oo, I know this! Obscure countries in Europe!
Others: Dingdingdingdingdingdingdingding!!!
>
"What's next? Wobbat and Liktang having kids?" stated Jessie.
>
Mike: And there's something wrong with an interspecies marriage?
Crow: Nope, never woulda pegged Jessie as prejudiced.
>
"We been watched." stated James.
>
Tom: And for that, Warner Brothers is quite thankful.
>
"This is a TELEVISION show." stated Jessie, "we are supposed to be
watched."
>
Crow: Ha ha!
Tom: Shut up!
>
"I know. I think the Team Ketchum is here." stated James.
>
Mike: Team Ketcham to the left and right!
Crow: Surrender...please...'cause we're not too bright!
>
"Team Ketchum?" asked Misty confused.
>
Mike: They're Olympic sapsuckers!
>
"Well, since you been following Ash since day 1." stated Jessie. "We
decide when we leave Team Rocket for good, we call you that. Even
Meowth argeed on
that."
"Then you must had a reseaon that had to all those baby Pokemon."
stated James.
"Yes, Meowth, who we thought was a male, was reality a female." stated
Jessie. "And Arbok and Wheezing here were males. Liktang and Wobbot,
are females.
Lucky them."
>
Crow: Man, the talk shows'll make a killing! Pokemon transexuals and
the trainers who loved them!
>
"That can't be right." stated Misty.
Tom: Naw...but neither are five-dollar tacoes, so what's your point?
>
"I what I thought about when they discover my first three babies."
stated Meowth. "But we had Nurse Joy run the gender checker.
>
(All snicker)
Crow: What...is that a lie-detector for DNA?
>
And that's what happen,
we discover the husands." They turned to point to the shamefully
looking Arbok and Wheezings.
"They keeping telling me that's 'sorry'. And they want to leave Jessie
and James. Since we had enough Meowth, we could keep two, give two
away, and sell
some of to Gionavii to rid of our debts. Will still have enough baby
Pokemon to sell to every Trainer for a good price." stated Meowth.
>
Mike: Man, Meowth must be a mutant.
Tom: Why?
Mike: Up till now, he had the IQ of a roll of masking tape.
>
"By the looks of things. It's seems totally unexpectabled. But I had
been expecting every since you guys enter
Johto" stated a new voice.
The ex-Team Rocket and their ex-enemies turned to see a young boy
dress in a home-maded version of Team Rocket's outfit. "Meet our plot
hole fixing." laughed
Jessie.
>
(All laugh)
Crow: Now there's your roll of masking tape Mike.
Mike (snickering): I guess so.
>
"What's his name?" asked Misty.
"Mondo." stated the boy.
>
Tom: Oh yeah! His friends are Narly, Rad, and Tubuloso.
>
"I used my Ditto to help get Jessie and James out of some of problems.
>
Tom: Dr. Thinker, the new paid spokesperson for Xerox.
>
So with out of my two little trouble makers, what's I'm
going to do now?"
>
Mike: Talk like you know a shred of English?
>
"You can come with this...."
>
Crow: What, a twelve to six breaking curve?
>
stated Ash.
"One on condition." added Misty.
"What's that?" asked Mondo.
>
Crow (Misty): Steal Ash's Pikachu the minute he's not looking!
Tom (Ash): I always knew you hated me!
>
"Dump the Rocket outfit."
>
Crow (Jessie): I mean, a shirt with the letter R on it? How gauche!
>
#######################################
Meanwhile underground, using high-tech informaton decived stolen from
League itself.
>
Crow: And now, for a "Super Friends" crossover.
>
"I can't belive it. Those losers are leaving Team Rocket?" asked
Butch. "But doesn't Gionavii kill?"
"Nope, and money makers such as Meowths on the black market will make
him somewhat of a happy camper." replied Cassie.
>
Mike: Yeah, they go for...what...five cents...ten cents at the most?
>
"That's like saying water is good for a rock Pokemon." stated Butch.
"But he's problem find
the next weakest next to those lamers."
"Thanks good for Meowth being female." stated Cassie. "I wonder if
were peg for being a little bit above those brainless fools."
>
Crow: Fake lipstick...does the job every time!
>
"We will had a chat with the boss when we get back." stated Butch,
watching as Drowzee and Primape trashed the informathin decive. "Not
even those lame
enemies of them would find out."
###################################################
"Why is Wobbat and Liktong following me?" asked Misty look at them.
>
Crow: Ah, for more of that interspecies lovin'!
Mike: Will you quit that?
>
"Water Pokemons." stated Brock.
"Go Pokeball!" stated Misty.
>
Tom: Guess she tossed aside Star U pretty fast, eh?
>
"I take the Posion Pokemons, Wheezing and Arbok."
"That's leaves me, with your Virctbell,
>
Crow (announcer): Virctbell, long distance and wireless e-mail for
the frugal Pokemaniac...
>
James." stated Brock. "And good trainer must know how to defeat
this own typkes."
>
Mike: Mr. State the Obvious strikes again!
>
"We all take one of the baby Pokemons." stated Misty. "I take a baby
Ekans."
"For me." stated Ash. "I will get a baby Meowth."
>
Crow (Ash): Oh Meowth! I really don't hate you! I was just jealous
'cause you hung out with those rich kids all the time! Let's be
friends!
>
Brock remarked "That's leaves me with a baby Wheezing."
>
Tom: Brock? It's called asthma, and Nurse Joy's right there!
>
"We aslo catched a few Pokemon while not on the hunt for you or any
Pokemon to steal." stated Jessie. "It's only two, a Beedrill and a
pink and blue Butterfree."
>
Crow: Aha! Males, females, and a butterfree that doesn't know what
gender it is!
>
"What about that Snuball? Had you see that Snuball around her yet?"
asked James.
"Don't worry, Jiggypuff and Snuball are in mines now." stated Mondo.
>
Crow: Jiggy?
Mike: Your new president of OPEC...ladies and gentlemen...Will Smith!
>
"How did you do that?" Misty stated.
Mondo shouted. "Watch this. Go! Ditto!"
A pink blob of a Pokemon with who's face looked it was hand-drawed on
him by a human.
>
Tom (announcer): Next, on "Insomniac Theater", Pete Townsend versus
the Brittney Spears Monster"!
>
"I had my Ditto used it's Transformation attack on both of them. It's
worked good for both of them."
"But when we try to used it, it's didn't work." stated Jessie.
>
Mike: Yeah, well you have to say"Ditto, transform attack now!" just
right or it doesn't work.
>
"You need to work at beening better trainers." stated Misty..
"See you around." stated Jessie and James as they walked out while
Meowth and his baby Pokemons.
#########################################################
As they leave, Nurse Joy discover yolk and egg shells all over the
place.
>
Crow (Joy): Damn it! I'm not you slobs' personal maid...I don't care
if this is a poke center!
>
"It's think it's time for a reunion of my family to clean up this
place." stated Nurse Joy, her Channesy hugging
on her body.
############THE END#####################################
>
Tom: What is this Mike: a fic or the blueprints for a telephone
keypad?
Mike: What say we ponder that all-important question outside?
Crow: I'm with you guys! (Mike grabs Tom and the three head for the
bridge)
...1...
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...6...
SOL Bridge:
Mike, Tom, and Crow are gathered around the desk looking at a
mysterious oblong box. A close-up reveals that it has the words
MUGGLE MAGIC scrawled in block lettering on its lid.
Mike: Alright Crow. Explain to me one more time why this box is
worth getting excited over.
Tom: And paying $49.95 for!
Crow: You forgot shipping and...
Tom: Yeah yeah yeah just spill it Tweetie!
Crow: Alright alright! Well, you guys know about Harry Potter mania,
right?
Mike: Yeah. I actually heard you can get a fake scar and put it on
your forehead and stuff.
Crow: Right! Well, I figured why stop at all those silly tie-ins? I
mean, people are always saying they wanna be just like their favorite
superheroes and stuff like that?
Others: So?
Crow: So! Ladies and gentlemen...I give you...(flips away the
lid)...the official Harry Potter Firebolt 3000 (TM)!
A close-up of the interior of the box reveals a rather nondescript,
ordinary-looking broomstick with the word FIREBOLT written in small,
hard-to-read lettering on it.
Mike: Um...
Tom: It's...a stick.
Crow: yep, just the kind of ignorance I'd expect from shallow
mugbloods like you two! Just watch the master!
(Crow rushes offstage)
Tom: I gave you back your bot repair kit, right?
Mike (taps something under desk): Got it right here. Even left the
monkey wrench right on top! (Off stage, we faintly here Crow saying
things such as "Damn it start!" "Piece of crap!" "What the hell's
wrong with this thing?" There's silence for a few moments, during
which we cut away to some commercials)
Here at Weight Less, we've seen the commercials for all those diet
pills, and goofy hamster milk shakes advertised on your television.
Well, we're sick and tired of the lies! Starting now, don't just lose
weight...lose all the weight...and then some! Being a hundred pound
bean pole isn't acceptable here at Weight Less. We won't be satisfied
until your reading on the scale yields a negative mass! How can we
boast such a ludicrous promise? It's easy! We'll suck out your
intestines, your kidneys, your spleen, all your internal organs, and
external ones too! When you lose weight with our program, you'll keep
it off because you won't be around to gain the weight back! "Weight
Less"...it's the principle of the anti-matter.
(We return just in time to hear a sound like someone screaming in
agony. It grows louder...and louder...and louder...until...Crow flies
across the bridge and offscreen. He lands with a thud somewhere in
the distance. For effect Cambit shakes around violently. Mike and
Tom rush offscreen, and we cut to a shot of the trio at the end of a
small side passage. Crow is lying in a heap, apparently in a bit of
pain)
Mike: Crow! Are you alright?
Tom: And how'd you get that thing to fly anyway?
Crow: Damn piece of junk! Gypsy had a spare blow torch around, and,
well, I told her to light it and touch it to the back of the
broomstick. Well, when that didn't work I told her to just give it a
good heave and maybe that'd get it going! So what does she do! She
picks it up, with me on it of course, and launches it through the air
like Rich Gannon, and well, ya know, the rest is history! (mumbles)
Wait till I get my hands on 'em!
(The three return to the bridge. Mike begins repairing a minor dent
in Crow's body)
Crow: Say Mike? When we finish can you see if there's an address on
that box. Me and the boys are gonna have a little talk!
Mike: Sure thing Crow.
(As Mike finishes sucking out the dent, the MOD's light begins
flashing)
Mike: Oh look! Nearly headless Nicole and the Griffendorks are on
the air! (He pushes the button, shifting the scene to the Microbus of
Doom. Pearl's sitting at the front, looking smugly at the camera.
She wears a stereotypical witch's outfit complete with black robe and
pointed hat)
Pearl: Hey fellas. So...what're we today, Nelswan, the Weasley
Twins?
SOL Bridge:
Mike: Oh Hi, Pearl. Naw. Crow was just trying out another one of
those scam toys you see on TV these days. Tell ya the truth, I never
would have pegged Crow here for a Harry Potter nut.
Crow: Oh come *on* Mike! Hermione Granger? Well she's just a hunka
hunka wah hoooooo!!! RROWRRR!
Microbus
Pearl: Oh, that's okay, Crow. Better than giving money to PBS, *more
harshly* right, Servo?
SOL Bridge:
Tom: Hey! I wanted to buy an official PBS ash tray ya know!
Microbus
Pearl: Never you little tykes mind that. Aunty Pearl's got a warm
and snuggly fic on the way for the second half of your double feature
today. (more smugly than ever) And wouldn't ya know it's a Harry
Potter cheeseball from the sultan of spelling himself! Observer?
Will you?
Observer: One Thinkerfic, going straight upward, lawgiver! (Pearl
shrugs as Observer pushes the button)
SOL Bridge
Crow: I'm telling you guys, there'll be hell to pay for "Muggle
Magic". (At that moment, the movie sign flashes)
Crow: Ya hear that, you no good rip-off artist sonofa...
Mike: Um...Crow? Later? Thinker sign?
Crow: What*ever*!
...6...
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G - English - General - Publish date: 12-08-02 - Updated: 12-08-02
>
Mike: December of last year? Nice and recent.
Crow: Yep, a Christmas fit for a Potter.
>
story id: 1110651
"A Ghost Warning"
A "Harry Potter"
>
Tom: Ya know, since there's more than one of 'em.
>
by Dr. Thinker
Harry Potter is copyright by J.K. Rowling and two big book companys.
This
is AU is based on the books, so AOL-Time Warner will have to write.
>
Tom: Well, actually, their lawyers will have to write...to
docth...@cheesyfics.com.
>
This
should happen in PS/SS--HALLOWEEN chapter.
>
Crow: Psss? Hey Thinker, speak up!
>
#############################################################################
"She's a nightmare!"
>
All: o/ Oh oh hear she comes...watch out boy, she'll chew you up! o/
>
Ron groaned after a choasitic Charms classed. Things
early were in a good mode despite Snape's unfairness to all
Gryiffodor.
>
Mike: Why? Did one of the Weasley twins put fake vomit in one of
Snape's flasks?
Tom: Actually that'd be mildly amusing.
>
Harry replied, "I think she hear you!", as he spotted Hermonie
>
Crow: Hermonie? Isn't that a kind of ice cream?
Mike: Oh, you mean, spumoni?
Crow: Bless you.
(Mike sighs)
>
Granger,
running out the Charms class."
>
Crow (Hermione): Gaaaaaaa!!! Make him stop! Flitwick just hit on
me!
Tom (Flitwick): Get back here, Granger. I'm gonna show you how I
charm the ladies and you're gonna like it!
Crow (Hermione): Waaaaaaaahhhh!!!
>
"Do you think I care?" Ron remarked. "She doesn't have any friend?"
>
Tom: Mike?
Mike: Yes Tom?
Tom: What. praytell, is everyone's obssession with using references
from the canon! Do you think we read fanfics just to hear what we've
already heard before?
>
Hermonie Granger was barking
>
Mike: Eh, Thinker. You calling my girl a dog? I'll rip your throat
out!
>
mad as Ron at she end up the first floor's bathroom, and
she was starting crying, but stop when she heard a voice.
>
Crow: That voice: Jimmy Pardo, telling her she didn't win the
National Lampoon Vacation.
>
"I thought Mytle's bathroom was on the second floor?"
>
Crow: Mytel? Hmmm...the toy company? Maybe I should start shopping
there instead.
>
A blone girl with
green eyes. Her fat body looked about to 1/2,009 of Hariqad's body.
>
Mike: That'd be cool.
Tom: What?
Mike: Maybe they'll cast Jewel in the next Potter movie?
>
"Who's Mytle?" Granger asked.
"A ghost who's hauting the second floor bathroom." Lornie remarked.
"You
look you belong in Ravenclaw, you look four time as smart as me."
>
Crow: And they say looks can be deceiving! Humph!
>
"I'm in Gryiffodor. Your house?" Hermonie remarked.
>
Mike (girl): Oh, it got foreclosed on.
>
"Promise not laugh or get mad at me." The new girl remarked.
"I promised." Hermonie remarked.
>
Tom: Sheesh! What's with everyone remarking in this fic? Is Thinker
a VB programmer or something?
>
"Then I'm Leni Ayaki, the "Imperfect Slytherin" The girl remarked
coming full
into the light that.
>
Mike: Imperfect Slytherin? Bit redundant there, eh Thinker?
>
"Why did that hat put you in Slytherin?" Hermone asked.
>
Crow (Leni): o/ I'm a bitch...I'm a lover...I'm a child...I'm a
mother...I'm a sinner...o/
>
Leni pointed to her body.
"I think it was Change Charm that my father put on as a baby. He
flounder
that spell.""
>
Tom (Leni): Now I'm just a fish outta water! Waaaaaahhhh!!!
Mike (Hermione): That's okay. So am I!
>
"Change charms are easily confusable. The father want the Body Strengh
charm but got it mixed up with the Weight Addition spell." Hermonie
remarked
>
Mike: Well, that'll put Overeaters Anonymous over the top in a hurry.
>
"You got to be 10 times as smart as Rowena Ravenclaw. You use end up
in that house." Leni remarked.
Hermone blushed. "I thought above, but they are many different kinds
of bravey."
"As well as many different forms of loyality, toil, smartness,
and amitiditon, though my headmaster wouldn't make me a success,
despite my balanced grades in his classes."
>
Mike: And why should he? An equal number of a's, B's, C's, D's, and
F's doesn't look too good on your permanent record.
Crow: Well, go with what you know, right Nelson?
>
"You not taking about Prof. Snape aren't you?" Hermonine remarked.
"I was talking about that stupid fool! But I really evil revenge plan
for him.
Just stolen some candy from some silly 4th years returning
from Hogesmade. I'm giving it to Fred and George.
>
Tom: What? Are they gonna drop it in Snape's pensieve and see what
happens?
Mike: o/ Sweet memories...o/
>
They had been very good at pranking anyone, even the teachers. I not
good at
pranking them."
>
Mike (Leni): Yeah, I tried telling Trelani she'd get attacked by a
mutant maggot named Archibald but it didn't seem to do much good.
>
"So I got to get to my Illusion Classes or else Proffesser Genie is
going
to tick off--and I don't like any teacher, including the Snaper, mad!"
>
Tom: Naw, getting Snape mad isn't in one's best interest.
Crow: Well, it's better than getting on Umbrage's bad side, right?
Mike: I think even Hermione could piss off Umbrage.
>
Hermonie started crying agained, and hear new voice. Hermonie turn
see a girl's ghost. She was wearning a Hogwarts's back
>
Crow: The only ghost with a T-shirt...
>
"I thought I moaning was barking mad!" the ghost stated.
>
Mike: Well, guess all dogs really do go to heaven.
Tom: Actually, more like all dogs go to Hogwarts...
>
"Who are you?" Hermonie
"Moaning Mytle! A ghost of dead girl! Why are you crying?" Mytle
ranted.
>
Tom (Hermione): Thinker can't even spell my name right!
Waaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!
>
"His year my bathroom is above this one! I'm annoying when you moaning
in echo! I may be dead, but I do have feeling you know!"
>
Mike (Myrtle): Screw the rest of you...I'm gettin' some love if it's
the last thing I do!
Crow (Hermione): Waaaaaaaahhhh!!!
>
Hermonie was not insulted until early night when a toll come into
the bathroom,
>
Crow: Man! It takes longer and longer for 'em to fix their hair,
don't it?
>
and almost attack her until Ron and Harry pop to
save her life. Hermonie lied to the teacher, got 5 points removed
from her house's point, while Ron and Harry got 10 added to it,
and Hermonine become friendly.
>
Mike: Why? What was she like before...a total witch?
Crow: Now she's *really* sappy?
>
What about Leni you ask. She got to Illusion class in
the third tower of Hogwarts, before Prof. Genie poped
in--then return to the Slytherin sleeping rooms.
##############THE END#############################################################
So what do you think?
>
Mike: I think Rachel Jordan is hotter than molten lava?
Crow: The Devil Rays'll win the World Series this year?
Tom: "Designing Women" was a funny sitcom?
>
Signed
Dr. Thinker
Mike: I think...it's time...to hit the road.
Bots: Okay!
...1...
...2...
...3...
...4...
...5...
...6...
SOL Bridge
As Mike, Tom, and Crow enter the bridge, they are quite surprised to
see a young girl sitting at the desk. She wears a red cloak, and, for
some odd reason, has cat whiskers protruding from the corners of her
mouth.
Mike: Um...hi. May we help you?
Girl: Oh, there's no need of that. I'm just glad I was apperated
here instead of the Griffendore common room. Can't bear listening to
Ron and Harry babbling on incessantly. Witch can't get a shred of
work done, she can't!
Crow: Yeah, listen, that's fine, lady, but who...
Tom: Oh my God! Don't you guys get it?
Others: What?
Tom: It's...it's...Her...
Mike: With a capital H?
Tom: Will you let me finish? It's Hermione Granger of Griffendore!
Crow: Servo, don't be ridiculous! Hermione isn't real! It's just
Emma Watson. I think maybe someone's been watching a little too much
Harry Potter on the old idiot box, eh Servo? Eh? Eh?
Tom: Crow, that's the most idiotic thing I've ever heard!
Crow: Come on Servo. The TV must have just spit out the first thing
on the screen!
Mike: Oh now Crow, don't bring poor Legolas into this okay? He's had
enough as it is!
Girl: What in Hogwarts are you three babbling about? Of course I'm
Hermione Granger, and I'm a witch!
Tom: You are not, don't kid a kidder.
Hermione: I am so Hermione!
Tom: Are not!
Hermione: Are so!
Tom: Oh yeah? Then tell us one thing! Who do you like? Huh? Huh?
What's the story, morning glory?
Hermione (beginning to panic): It...it's not true! Ron and I are
just friends! Stupid idiotic fanfic writers! I hate 'em all! My
first love is...is...
Crow: Come on, lover girl: you can do it!
Hermione: It's Professor Snape, okay?
(All except Hermione laugh)
Mike: Aw, I'm sorry, Hermione, but that's the first funny thing I've
heard you say!
Hermione: It's true, it is!
Crow: Ya can't fool us, Hermes, we saw you and Weasel makin' out in
the girls' room, don't give us any of...
Mike (whacking Crow upside the head): Crow! Stop that! (to
Hermione) Look, Hermione...Crow didn't...
Hermione (voice rising): Stop it! All of you! Just...leave me
alone! It's true, isn't it? I...don't...have any friends at all, do
I? (Hermione begins sobbing and exits towards the living quarters)
Mike: Oh, nice move, you guys...God, I can't take you two anywhere!
Crow: Oh, come on Mike! Hermione's a Griffendork, just like Pearl!
(Mike sighs, but at that moment, Gypsy enters, obviously quite upset)
Gypsy (low and fierce): Alright, which one of you idiots made this
poor girl cry? (Cambit reveals that Hermione is behind Gypsy,
somewhat afraid and not wanting to be seen. Mike and the bots think
for a moment)
Mike/bots: It was him!
Gypsy: Oh really? Well then, I guess *all* of you get a thrashing!
(She begins chasing Mike and the bots around the bridge, and they
eventually exit. Hermione stands inside the door, having let the
others pass through in their childish antics. The MOD's light begins
flashing. Hermione is puzzled, but hears a voice instructing her on
what to do)
Cambit: Just push the button next to the flashing light, miss.
Hermione (approaches MOD light): You mean this strange roundish bulb
here? (Cambit nods up and down and she pushes it)
Microbus
(Pearl is still reading from the book she showed everyone earlier.
She looks into the camera and her eyes widen)
Pearl: What in the...
Observer: My goodness, Pearl!
Bobo: Oh my God, lawgiver! It's that Hermione chick from Harry
Potter! Ooohhh, I loved you in "Sorcerer's Stone", Hermione! (Makes
perverse kissing sounds)
Pearl: Will you lay off, monkey man? (to Hermione) As for you, what
brings you to the satellite of Love and the control of Pearl
Forrester, Mo.D.?
SOL
Hermione: What...what is this? Who are you?
Microbus
Pearl: Are you deaf? I'm Pearl Forrester, and there's no way in hell
you're Hermione Granger! The real Hermione would be studying or
crying her eyes out because she (mock tenderly) doesn't have any
friends!
SOL
Hermione (begins to tear up again): For pity's sake! For your
information I *have* been studying up here, until those three idiots
came in and started picking on me (starts crying) just like
everybody! (She is sobbing now, but at that moment her body vanishes
without a trace)
Microbus
Pearl: Damn! That was fun! Hey Brain Guy?
Observer: Yes, lawgiver?
Pearl: Do we have Tammy Fay Baker in our database anywhere? Maybe
she can give me a few pointers after that PBS debacle, and perhaps I
can get a few tears outta her for kicks!
Observer: I shall inquire into its feasibility, lawgiver.
Pearl: And stop talking like Hermione, will you? Geez!
(From out of nowhere, a familiar voice is heard)
Hermione (between sobs): I don't talk like that! (Her voice fades
away as the credits begin rolling)
Mystery Science Theater 3000 is a trademark of and copyright Best
Brains, Inc. Pokemon and all related characters and situations are
trademarks of and copyright Warner Brothers. Harry Potter and all
related characters, entities, and situations are copyright J. K.
Rowling, Warner Brothers Publishers, and Sun Coast Books. The misting
is a work of fiction, and no infringement on any of the above
copyrights is intended or should be inferred. No personal insults to
authors, characters, situations, or other entities is herein implied
or should be inferred. Send comments to can...@loveable.com.
"Don't worry, Jiggypuff and Snuball are in mines now," stated Mondo.