Mistied: X-Files: The Drive. Part 1.
Suzanne ª Schroeder
Here's a little something I found in the X-files archive.
Enjoy!
>From: WCK...@prodigy.com (Mary Abel)
Crow: I donąt think she was Mary Abel to pull this off.
>Newsgroups: alt.tv.x-files.creative
Mike: The pain is out there.
>Subject: New: The Drive 1/2
>Date: 9 Jul 1995 21:21:54 GMT
>THE DRIVE
>by Mary Abel
>Author's note
>CONTENT WARNING: This has no plot beyond getting from Point A to Point B.
Tom: Finally, an author whoąll admit it! Let's work with Mary.
> The story is loosely based on a drive that I have had to make with a
>friend of mine many many times.
Crow: and Iąm posting this as a testament that we both survived.
She is a New York Taxi driver.
>Too many times to count, in fact.
Tom: Iąm so bored with it, Iąm going to tell you all about it.
Mike: Geez, was this person in my Speech class?
>There is a little teeny tiny bit of mushy stuff, so forewarned is
>forearmed.
Mike: and forearmed is foreplayed and foreplayed is foredone....
>This is a first posting so any comments are appreciated.
Crow: Oh, well if you insist....
>I would hope for CONSTRUCTIVE comments but if you feel absolutely
>compelled to flame this honest effort of writing, go ahead... I
>reserve the right to ignore you in that case though.
Tom: Then, consider this constructive flaming.
>COPYRIGHT/LEGAL STUFF:
>As if you haven't heard this one before: Mulder, Scully, The X-files,
>etc, belong to Chris Carter and 10/13 Productions. The plot belongs
>to me.
Crow: Wait, you just said that there was no plot.
> Feel free to distribute, WITHOUT accumlation of profit or
>taking credit where credit is not due.
Mike: So, this post is C.O.D.?
>You can reach me with comments at either WCK...@prodigy.com or
>STR...@aol.com
>Enjoy!
Tom: ..in your worst nightmares.
>P.S. The lyrics to the songs don't belong to me either, but you
>probably already knew that.
Crow: Are you that embarrased by them?
>(boy, I talk a lot.... but here it is, finally)
>The 1st Hour
Mike: No time-lapse editing was harmed during the process of writing
this fan fic.
> It was a five hour drive from Sacramento to Eureka. The only
>reason Fox Mulder knew that was because he had to drive there.
Mike: He could have known it a priori.
> Why
>anyone would want to go to Eureka of his own free, uninfluenced by
>aliens, will was beyond the considerable scope of Agent Mulder's
>intelligence.
Tom: So, thatąs why the aliens abduct people! They commute them to
Eureka! How nice.
>But then, he was also a federal agent.
Mike: Thank you. That was covered in the title sequence.
> If they told
>him to go somewhere, he had to go. It was the law. He was only sorry
>he had to drag Scully along.
Crow: He had to search all morning for a strong enough rope and
a hook to hold it to the bumper.
>Well, he was sort of sorry. Mostly, he
>was glad because he wanted the company. There wasn't anything else to
>look at.
Tom: He could finally put the nudie magazines away.
> Scully yawned and watched a few hundred yards of scrub
>scattered dirt pass by.
Mike: What the hell is a scrub? Is that a Dow Bathroom cleaner bubble?
>Then she turned and looked at the black top.
>She yawned again and looked out the window again.
Tom: Wow. You can see a lot more out a window than a black top.
>Up ahead she could
>see a rice milling plant. Scully gave it all the attention that the
>Eiffel tower would have received.
Crow: ..and all the urine an average frenchman on the street would give
it.
>It was the first structure taller
>than two stories they had passed all afternoon.
Tom: Hey! It keeps getting taller every time she tells this story!
> She wondered what
>idiot had decided that Eureka, California didn't deserve an airport
>that was serviced by eastern connected flights, then decided it had
>something to do with the fact that Eureka's population was around
>fifty thousand.
Mike: Hey, Texarkana has a regional airport. Are we saying that
Texarkana is more technologically advanced than a town in California?
> "You want to turn on the radio?" Mulder asked, glancing over
>at her.
Crow: Maybe weąll hear that Alanis Morissette song everyones been
talking about.
>Scully held back a sigh. He had that "please don't hit me"
>puppy dog tone that drove her crazy and perversely, made her want to
>beat him up.
Tom: Alright! Itąs a sex flick!
> "All right." She flipped on the switch and turned the knob
>enough times to be sure that the only stations they were able to
>receive were heavily interlaced with static. Not worth the effort of
>tuning in other words. She jerked the knob,
All: (whistling and looking away)
>silencing the noise.
Mike: Turn Rush Limbaugh off!
> Mulder shifted in his seat uncomfortably and turned the air
>conditioning up.
Crow: I love it when people turn their air conditioners up and blast it!
> They passed a sign which told them that the city of Zamora was
>15 miles up the road.
> "Weird name, huh?"
Tom: If Quentin Tarrantino had written an X-File.
> Mulder said, straining as if trying to see
>the towers of the city.
> "Heard stranger." Scully answered.
Mike: A stranger in the heard?
> She reached down and
>slipped out a file folder.
Crow: Geez she was really thin.
> "Tell me again why we're going to Eureka?" she asked, flipping
>it open.
All: (jumping and singing) Weąre all going to Eureka! Weąre all going to
Eurkeka!
> Mulder could have sworn he smelt the too-sweet odor of those
>perfume inserts that came in women's magazines, then dismissed it as
>his imagination.
Tom: Between Mulderąs mind and this dialogue comes łObsession.˛
> "We're following up a lead. Since we were in San Francisco,
>and for some reason, the AIC thinks highly of me, he wanted me to
>interview Jane Danler."
> "Ah." Scully answered absentmindedly, reading all about the
>summer's new make up colors.
Mike: ŚWhat? Iąm supposed to black my eye!?!ą
>She decided the next time she was at a
>makeup counter, she was going to try Pink Beige Desert.
Crow: This was a great idea to not have a plot.
> And maybe
>Cocoa Foam. She turned the page as quietly as possible and wished the
>pages of women's magazines weren't so crisp and liable to make noise.
Tom: She was afraid Mulder would take it away from her and try to dress
like Cindy Crawford again.
>Mulder tapped the steering wheel, in time with the tunes that were
>playing in his head.
Mike: łI returned a bag of groceries/ accidentally taken from the
shelf before the expiration date..˛
>As usual, the song that had blared from the
>radio/alarm to wake him up was the one playing in his head.
Crow: Maybe it was that damn Hootie and the Blowfish song.
> "You are the dancing queen, young and sweet," he muttered
>softly under his breath, trying desperately to remember the tune to
>another song. Any other song.
Tom: Just like Ace of Base, he only knew one song.