BATMAN & ROBIN SCRIPT MISTING (8/10)

[Badger]

>
> FREEZE
> Stick around.
>
> A COP hits the wall. Beside him a button reads; EMERGENCY
> HEAT. He SLAMS the stud, filaments coming to life, the room
> glowing red.
>
> Freeze's watch begins to flash. No power.

TOM: No Plot! No Disco! No Fooling Around!

>
>346M INT. CATWALK
>
> Bane kicks Batman off the end of the catwalk as Robin leaps
> onto the villain. Robin and Bane begin fighting again.

TOM: This catwalk is no cakewalk.

>
>346N INT. CONVEYOR BELT

MIKE: The INTERIOR of a conveyor belt?

> Batman lands on his back on a moving belt that is feeding
> ancient tubs of ice cream into a clown shaped flash freezer.
> Ivy jumps atop the caped crusader, their faces close.
>
> IVY
> You bring out the animal in me.

MIKE <BATMAN>: You bring out the mineral in me.

>
> BATMAN
> I should have brought my leash.

CROW: The sick thing is he acknowledges he HAS one.

>
> IVY
> Enough sweet talk.

TOM: Was that foreplay?
MIKE: Stop, Tom, stop.

>
> With that Ivy blows another handful of dust into Batman's
> face. Ivy licks her lips. Leans in for a kiss.
>
> At the last second, Batman averts his face, wrenching Ivy
> to the floor just ahead of the clown's freezing maw.
>
> BATMAN
> (mustering all his will)
> You're going to jail.

CROW <BATMAN>: Then I'm going to Disney world. Dick and I fit in
there.

>
> IVY
> I'm a lover not a fighter. That's
> why every Poison Ivy action figure
> comes complete with...him.
>
> BANE stands atop a giant storage vat, a dazed Robin hanging
> in his hand. Bane tosses the boy aside, slide, feet first,
> down a conveyer belt and double fists Batman, CRASHING,
> into the wall.

CROW: Owie! Owie! Owie!

>
> IVY
> I'm off to find Bachelor Number Two.

TOM <ANNOUNCER>: Bachelor Number One is Clark, he lives in
Metropolis(tm) and has an identity crisis. Bachelor Number Two is
Kyle, who loves the color green!

> Try not to make a mess when you die.
>
>346-O INT. SNOWY CONES ICE CREAM FACTORY
>
> The room is growing even hotter. Freeze stagger towards
> his diamond vault, his flesh turning ray.
>
> With his last strength, Freeze wrenches open his safe,
> filling his sleeve power compartments with diamonds, his
> color returning.
>
> FREEZE
> Ahh. Chilled to perfection.
>
> Freeze hits his watch, the villain now suddenly encased
> in ice.

MIKE: Whoops, turned that one up too high.

>
>346P WIDER
>
> The Cops are warming back into action, draw guns, FIRE,
> bullets bouncing off Freeze's armor of ice, ricocheting
> into the walls.
>
> FREEZE
> Superman, eat your heart out.

MIKE: A voice says 'No, I don't think so,' and the plot changes
radically.

>
> Freeze starts towards his weapons locker.

TOM: But he forgot the key.

>
>346Q INT. INDUSTRIAL BASEMENT
>
> Bane SMASHES Batman into the wall. Advances. At the last
> second, Batman FIRES a Batclub, HITTING Bane in the head
> stunning him.

CROW: Sure.

>
>346R BAATMAN - POV. Ivy is closing in on Robin.

MIKE: Da-dump, da-dump . . .

>
>346S INT. SNOWY CONES ICE CREAM FACTORY

CROW: Probably daytime now, you know.

>
> The Cops rush Freeze. The villain whips a small icing jewel
> from his weapons locker, the floor GLOWS, suddenly covered
> with ice.
>
> The Cops begin slipping on the glassy floor in classic
> Keystone style, ending up sprawled on their backs.

MIKE: Wouldn't it be great it someone brought Cops? Keystone cops?

>
> Freeze stands, pulsing with power,

MIKE: Uh-huh . . .

> this icing cannon now
> under one arm. He lifts his pistol in his free hand. Points
> at the police.

CROW: Forgetting it's not polite to point.

>
> FREEZE
> All right coppers, Freeze.

TOM: Hey, we know who you are . . . oh.

>
> He FIRES.
>
>346T INT. INDUSTRIAL BASEMENT
>
> Ivy has Robin up against a giant vat.

MIKE: Now there's a metaphor.

>
> IVY
> Stop living in the shadow of the
> big bad bat. You don't need him.
> (blows more dust)
> You deserve your own legend. Your
> own bright shining signal in the
> sky. Let me guide you. Let me...
> (touches his face)

TOM <ROBIN>: No.

> ...Touch you. Kiss you.

TOM <ROBIN>: I'm not feeling anything.

>
> He can't resist, about to kiss her. A tiny batarang hits
> his cheek.

MIKE: Batarang micro machines!

>
> BATMAN
> Remember the victim at the airport.
> Toxins introduced through the mouth.

TOM <ROBIN>: Just a second, I'm BUSY!

>
> ROBIN
> What are you talking about?
>
> BATMAN
> Why is she so desperate to kiss us?
> I'm betting her lips are poison.

MIKE: Yeah, no sane woman would want to kiss us!

>
> ROBIN
> A poison kiss? You have some real
> issues with women, you know that?

MIKE: Oh, we all know that.
CROW: It's about time someone admitted that.

> (advancing)
> You just couldn't stand that she
> was about to kiss me.
> (shoves him)
> Couldn't stand that something might
> be mine and not yours. Could you?!
>
> Robin shoves him harder still. In frustration, Batman
> delivers a fantastic roundhouse, sending Robin SMASHING
> into a wall.
>
> BATMAN
> Damn.

TOM: Now I'm the top!

>
> Batman tries to help Robin up. Robin shrugs him off, stands.
>
> ROBIN
> Ivy's right. I don't need you. I'm
> going solo. I want my own signal
> in the sky.

CROW <SINGING>: Moving on up to that signal in the sky . . .
TOM <SINGING>: That signal in the sky keeps on turning . . .

>
> Batman looks around. Ivy and Bane are gone.
>
> GORDON
> (arriving)
> What happened? How'd they get away?

TOM: A sudden burst of heterosexuality, but we've dealt with it!

>
> But the caped crusader doesn't have an answer.

CROW: But he does have a question!

>
>347 INT. FREEZE'S HIDDEN CHAMBER
>
> Ivy enters through the snaking passage. She turns to face
> Freeze's wife, still in her frozen sarcophagus.
>
> IVY
> So sorry, Ms. Fridigaire. I'm just
> not good with competition.
>
> Ivy pulls the main power switch. Status lights flash red.
>
>348-349 OMITTED
>
>350 INT. BLOSSOM STREET TURKISH BATHS - DAWN
>
> Transformed. Sunlight streams in through the broken
> ceiling. The ground thrives, now a rich garden.
>
>351 IVY ENTERS, strolls through the gardens into a small
>352 ante-room where Freeze sits over his freezing engine,
> having ZAPPED the walls with his pistol, the room now
> a world of ice.
>
> IVY
> Make yourself right at home.

TOM <SCHRWAZENEGGER>: I was just about to strip down to my
underwear, eat chips, watch football, and scratch myself!

>
> FREEZE
> Where is my wife?

TOM: Goodbye City Life!

>
> IVY
> There was nothing I could do. Batman
> deactivated her. She's dead.
>
> FREEZE
> You lie!

TOM: Slowly it dawns on freeze that the psychotic gardener he's
hanging out with MIGHT lie to him!

>
>353 Freeze lunges for Ivy. Bane steps between them. Mistake.
> Freeze hurls him across the room. Ivy stills Bane with a
> gesture.
>
> IVY
> I'm sorry.
>
> Ivy reaches up, holding the snowflake necklace between her
> and the looming Freeze. Freeze stops, takes the chain in
> his hand.
>
> FREEZE
> Their bones will turn to ice. Their
> blood will freeze in my hands.

TOM <IVY>: Er, could you be more specific?

>
> IVY
> Kill them. Of course. But why stop
> there?

CROW <FREEZE>: Because then I vill break for a light lunch.

> Why should only Batman and
> Robin die while the society that
> created them goes unpunished?

MIKE: Yeah, I'm sure your wife would appreciate a little cathartic
mass murder!

>
> Ivy lifts the frozen Gotham bauble off the iced table.
> Turns it over in her hand absentmindedly. Freeze stares at
> her.
>
> FREEZE
> Yes. I shall replay the world
> for sentencing me to a life without

MIKE: A plot.

> the warmth of human comfort. I will
> blanket the city in endless winter.
> First Gotham and then the world.
>
> IVY
> Just what I had in mind. Everything
> dead on Earth except us. A chance
> for mother nature to start again.
> (she lifts a flower)
> Plants and flowers are the oldest
> species on the planet yet they are
> defenseless against man. Sorry hon,
> this is for science.
> (she crushes the flower)
> Behold the dawn of a new age.

TOM: Black helicopters and all!

>
> From a canisters labeled PROJECT GILGAMESH, Ivy removes a
> savage, other-worldly plant with HISSING fangs.

CROW: So it's fangs hiss, but not any other part of it . . .

>
> IVY
> I have created a race of plants
> with the strength of the deadliest
> animals. Once you have frozen
> mankind, my mutants will overrun
> the globe. The Earth will become
> a brave new world of only plants.
> And we shall rule them. For we
> will be the only two people left
> in the world.

TOM: You guys get the impression the screenwriter was trying to be
extra clear here for the hard of thinking?
MIKE: Like himself.

>
> FREEZE
> Adam and Evil.

CROW: Kinevil?

>
> Freeze lifts the Gotham bauble, holds it on his palm, his
> gauntlet glowing blue, tiny Gotham freezing. He CRUSHES the
> city.

MIKE: And our souls.

>
> FREEZE
> You will distract the bat and bird
> while I prepare to freeze Gotham.
>
> IVY
> Can't we just ice them along with
> the rest of the citizenry?

CROW: You know, Ivy(tm) is thinking ahead.

>
> FREEZE
> That is far too merciful. Batman
> will watch his beloved Gotham perish,
> then I will kill him.
>
> IVY
> As a team, the duncely duo protect
> each other. But the Robin is young.
> Impetuous. If I could get him alone-

MIKE: You'd probably be severely disappointed.

>
> FREEZE
> One kiss and you could lift the mask
> from his lifeless face. Their secret
> identities would be revealed. But
> how best to bait a brid?

MIKE: So you reveal their identities to a world already dead?

>
> IVY
> The way to a boy's heart is through
> his ego. What strapping young hero
> could resist his very own...signal?
>
> FREEZE
> Inspired, Ms. ivy.

MIKE: No it's not.

>
> IVY
> I'm hungry. I think I'll have
> poultry.
>
>354-393 OMITTED

TOM: Woah!
MIKE: This is where all the interesting stuff happened.

>
>393A INT. WAYNE MANOR - UPSTAIRS HALLWAY _ EVENING
>
> Barbara and Dick stand talking to a DOCTOR.

MIKE: Generic Doctor, cheaper than most.

>
> DOCTOR
> It's Stage One of McGregor's Syndrome.
> I'm sorry. All we can do is make him
> comfortable.

TOM: Try not to expose him to the rest of the script, it'll only
make things worse.

>
> PUSH IN through a partially open door in the b.g...
>
>394 INT. WAYNE MANOR - ALFRED'S ROOM - EVENING
>
> Alfred lays on his bed. Bruce in black tie, kneels beside
> him.

MIKE: I hope he's wearing more than the tie, or this is going to
really lodge in my memory.

>
> BRUCE
> I've spent my whole life trying to
> beat back death. What good are all
> my heroics now if I can't save you?

TOM <ALFRED>: Not bloody much, sir.

>
> ALFRED
> Everyone dies, Master Bruce. There's
> no defeat in that. Victory comes in
> fighting for what we know is right
> while we still live.

CROW: So why don't you start already.

>
>394A Bruce looks past Alfred. There in the adjacent suite, a
> young Alfred finishes reading to a young Bruce. Shuts out
> the light.

MIKE: Is it just me, or is Bruce hitting the flashbacks pretty
badly here?

>
>394B BACK TO SCENE
>
> BRUCE
> I love you, old man.
>
> ALFRED
> Remember this. And remember it
> always. I'm proud of you. And
> I love you too, son.
>
> They embrace.

MIKE: The one good scene in the movie.
ALL <APPLAUSE NOISES>

>
>395 INT. WAYNE MANOR - FOYER
>
> (OVER) the doorbell is RINGING. Dick follows Bruce
> downstairs, the billionaire donning his coat.
>
> DICK
> McGregor's Syndrome. That's what
> Freeze's wife had.

MIKE: Shocked, shocked I am at the co-incidence.

>
> BRUCE
> Yes. But Alfred's condition is less
> severe. Freeze's research says he
> cured a case like Alfred's. It just
> doesn't say how.
>
> DICK
> I checked the medical database. No
> one else is even close.

CROW: As in physical distance or research? Be clear, man!

>
> BRUCE
> I'm late for the dedication. Then I
> go after Freeze and ivy. Alone.
>
> DICK
> Like hell you do.
>
> BRUCE
> Dick, don't push me right now.

MIKE: Or fold me, spindle me, or mutilate me!

>
> DICK
> Or what? No one can capture Ivy but
> the big bad Bat. Crap! You just want
> her for yourself. Don't you? Answer
> me, damn it!
>
> BRUCE
> Yes! Yes, I want her so badly I can
> taste it. That's the whole point.

TOM: The fact that any woman interests me frightens me!

> Look at us. Orphans. Isolated.
> Obsessed to the exclusion of life,
> love, family. We're perfect targets.
> She's done something to us, got us
> fighting over her somehow.

TOM: And I have NO idea how ANY woman could do that!

>
> DICK
> Hail the all-knowing Bruce Wayne.

ALL: Hail Bruce!

> Here's what I know, she loves me,
> Not you and it's driving you crazy.
> It's why you stopped us from kissing.
> Because if you can't have her,
> nobody can.
>
> BRUCE
> She's clouded your mind. You're not
> thinking straight.

TOM: Actually, the problem is that he IS thinking straight.
>
> DICK
> Oh but I am. For the first time in
> a long time. I'm through living in your
> shadow. All that ends right now.

CROW: So then why is this movie called "Batman and Robin."(tm & tm)

>
>395A Dick walks away. Bruce stares after him. (OVER) The bell
> RINGS again. The front door swings open, Julie ENTERS. A
> limo sits out front.

MIKE: Making doughnuts on the lawn.

>
> JULIE
> I've been ringing forever. Where's
> Alfred?

TOM: With Waldo.

>
> But Bruce doesn't answer.
>
>395B INT. WAYNE MANOR - ALFRED'S QUARTERS - NIGHT
>
> Barbara stands over the old man.

TOM <FEMMININE>: Now I just place this pillow like so, and
according to his will . . .

>
> BARBARA
> I'm sorry. I was too late.
>
> ALFRED
> Too late for what, dear child?

CROW: Acting lessons.

>
> BARBARA
> I came to give you your freedom,
> a chance to live the life you choose.
> The same gift you gave me.

MIKE: And the desire to work with leather-wearing psychos.

>
> ALFRED
> I have been part of the greatest
> adventure ever know. I have found
> purpose here, and the family I
> could never have.
>
> Alfred smiles, is hit by a sudden wave of pain.

MIKE: He realizes that following this film, Nicholas Cage will
attempt to play Superman(tm).

>
> ALFRED
> You must do something for me.
>
> Alfred takes her hand, puts an envelope in her grasp.

TOM: It's my last student loan payment. Mail it.

>
> ALFRED
> Find my brother Wilfred. Give him
> This. I have duties he must fulfill
> in my stead. Only family can be
> trusted.
>
> BARBARA
> What is it?

MIKE: A sociobiological unit of animal organization.

>
> ALFRED
> It is the hearts of two good men

TOM: Woah! Big envelope!

> whom I have had the honor of
> calling son. Take it, child. But
> I implore you, never open it.

CROW: OK, I can see this coming a mile away.

> (he touches her cheek)
> You look so like your mother.

MIKE: Except not as smart or interesting.

>
> And with that his eyes close.
>
> BARBARA
> Uncle Alfred?
>
>396-399 OMITTED

MIKE: An attempt for Alicia Silverstone to act, omitted.

>
>400 INT. GOTHAM OBSERVATORY - NIGHT
>
> A black tie gala celebrating the telescope unveiling.
> PAMELA ISLEY stands in the center of the room. Alone.
> Her drab outfit and demeanor make her anything but a
> conversation magnet.

TOM: It makes her more of a conversation cyclotron.

>
> Bruce and Julie ENTER, smiling through the storm of
> FLASHBULBS, and the crowd of PRESS, being greeting
> guests. Commissioner Gordon steps away, reaches for
> champagne off a try.

TOM <DRUNK>: It's only number twenty, nothing ever goes wrong in
this city . . .

>
> VOICE (OVER)
> I've always wondered, where does
> that big old bat light come from?
>
> Pamela stands before Gordon. She flips open a compact,
> blows a pile of love dust, the tiny swirl catching the cop
> in the face, a bit more hitting Bruce who stands behind
> the Commissioner.
>
> GORDON - CLOSE. Stunned. And suddenly in love.

TOM: With Bruce or Pam?

>
> GORDON
> (stammering)
> It's on top of police headquarters.
>
> Pam takes Gordon's arm, leads him like a puppy into an alcove.

MIKE: Hitting him with a rolled-up newspaper.

>
> PAMELA
> I'd just love to see it. But you
> probably don't have access.

TOM <DRUNK>: You just described my marriage.

>
> GORDON
> Why, I'm Commissioner of Police.
> (patting his pocket)
> I have the keys right here.

CROW: Let me whip this out . . .

>
>401 BRUCE, still standing with Julie, amidst the PRESS and
> WELL-WISHERS, seems suddenly distracted, begins looking
> around the room.
>
> As if summoned by an inaudible call, Bruce peels away from
> a perplexed Julie, begins searching the crowd. A man on a
> quest.

TOM: To ruin his life . . .

>
> PAM has Gordon against the alcove wall. Her fingers slip
> into his pocket.

CROW: Oh, I don't wanna look . . .

>
> PAMELA
> On second thought, you're way too
> old for me.
>
> She pushes a stunned Gordon away, spins, heads towards the
> door, tossing something in her hand. Gordon's keys.
>
>402 A HAND grabs her. Pam spins to face Bruce Wayne.

TOM: Yeaaaaaaaaaaaah!

>
> BRUCE
> Dr. Isley. it was like I could feel
> you in the room. You're...enchanting.
> Gorgeous. The most beautiful woman
> I've ever seen. If you're..um...
> free...this evening.

MIKE: It's Bruce Wayne's(tm) "How to Not Pick Up Women and
Embarrass Your Date!"

>
> JULIE
> (arriving)
> Bruce? What are you doing?

TOM: Ruining our relationship, shut up!

>
> PAMELA
> I think he's asking me on a date, in
> an awkward, stammering sort of way.
>

TOM: She's being kind.

> JULIE
> I've heard of commitment anxiety,
> but this is insane. You're not
> really propositioning another
> woman right in front of me.
> Are you?

TOM <BRUCE>: Doesn't that turn you on?

>
> BRUCE
> Well, definite 'propositioning'.
>
> The PRESS has noticed the conflict, now surround Bruce,
> Julie and Pam.

MIKE: As Gossipy Gertie gets a chance to hit on Julie . . .

>
> JULIE
> Make a choice, Bruce. Her or me.
>
> BRUCE
> Well...um...her.
>
> JULIE
> (crestfallen)

CROW: I guess she dropped her toothpaste!

> You were right. I get it. You're not
> the marrying kind. You've made your
> point. Goodbye Bruce Wayne.

TOM <JULIE>: I'm gonna see if that nice Barry Allen is seeing
anyone!

>
> PAMELA
> Physical perfection, charm and
> wealth tossed over for a dowdy spinster.
> How do you explain your behavior?

TOM <SOBBING>: The writer made me do it!

>
> BRUCE
> (puzzled)
> I can't. But perhaps tonight, over
> dinner...I've just had an opening.
>
> PAMELA
> Maybe your witless playboy persona
> works on every bimbo du jour but I
> am not the least bit titillated by
> your attentions. So back off or I'll
> have you in court quicker than you
> can spell sexual harassment. Got me?

MIKE: I'm sorry, your mousy hair and thick glasses had me
enchanted.

>
>402A WIDER
>
> Folks are staring. MURMUR to each other. Bruce is
> chagrined.
>
> BRUCE
> Does that mean dinner's a no?

CROW: Come on! Come on! Earth to Brucie!

>
> Pam has already pushed past him, out the door.
>
> BRUCE
> It's just I sort of...kind of
> ...love you.

MIKE: A crazy little thing sort of kind of called love.

>
>403 INT. BLOSSOMS TREET TURKISH BATHS - FREEZE'S CHAMBER
>
> Freeze stands, putting on his suit.

TOM: And top-hat.

>
> He SNAPS his fingers. A legion of Icemen step out of the
> swirling mists. Freeze lifts his freezing engine.
>
> FREEZE
> Bundle up boys. There's a storm
> coming.
>
> Freeze and his battalion head into the night.

TOM <THUG VOICE>: Uh, boss, what is the economic advantage to us
in destroying the world?

>
>404 EXT. POLICE HQ - ROOF - NIGHT
>
> A giant door swings open. Bane and Ivy emerge onto the
> roof.

TOM <IVY>: Let's hock lugies on passerbys.

>
> IVY
> Let there be light.

MIKE: Dressing!

>
> Bane walks tot he dormant Batsignal, TEARS it from its
> shackles.

TOM: This'll look great on the Christmas Tree!

>
>404A INT. WAYNE MANOR - BARBARA'S ROOM - NIGHT
>
> Barbara ENTERS, lost in grief. She sits, turns Alfred's
> envelope over in her hand. A long beat. She withdraws a
> single, silver CD.

CROW: Al's album went silver!
MIKE: Yeah, well "Metal Butler" did pretty well overseas.

>
> BARBARA
> Only family can be trusted?
>
> Barbara slides the disk into her computer.
>
> COMPUTER
> Access denied. Protected files.

MIKE: Piss off.

>
> BARBARA
> Perhaps you didn't give me your
> genes.

TOM: Or your brains.

> But you gave me your heart.

MIKE: Yuck!

>
> Barbara begins hacking the disk, trying to break the code.
>

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