MiSTed: Enterprise vs. Star Destroyer (rec.arts.startrek.tech)
JBorrasko
This here is the example of when Star Wars meets Star Trek on the outer
fringes of sanity and grammatical mechanics. It also shows what I think
is the first time Mike hears of the famed 'timeout' (something I think
the
bots should have given Mike a couple times, myself), of Joel's days.
Well,
I hope I got it all... Email me with any questions you might have to any
of the references (some of them are strictly inside jokes that ratmm
needs
to be let in on; you'll find 'em, I think). Enjoy!
|---------------------------|>::8===8 (t continuum line break
:) )
[SOL]
[Crow's at his computer. Mike comes up behind him.]
MIKE: Oh, Crow, not another Enterprise-D versus Imperial Star Destroyer
war!
CROW: What? It's all in fun and games, Mike!
MIKE: Some people take this sort of thing very seriously.
CROW: Who? Oh, the purists. <rolls his eyes> *Them*.
MIKE: Crow, you really shouldn't indulge yourself like this. The
technology
is incomparable.
CROW: Actually, Mike, there is a clear definition between hyperspace and
subspace, where warp is...
[da button flashes]
MIKE: <over Crow> Oh, we got commercial sign. <hits da button>
[Commercial: you've been picketing the abortion clinic all day,
your
sign is getting heavy and you've just shot your thirtieth pro-choice
activist.
You deserve a Miller. Positively for the anti-fetal tissue farmer in
you!]
[back from commercial]
CROW: But, with the Federation being primarily for exploration and the
Empire building its ships for war...
[Tom comes up, a B5 book in front of him.]
TOM: Oh, please, again Crow? You should know that one of the B5's guns
is
worth the *entire* Death Star and Death Star II combined!
MIKE: <grimaces up to Cambot> Sir, please tell me you're about to call.
<button flashes> Oh, thank Bob, it's General Madine. <hits it>
[D13]
DR.F <duh!>: Ah, good afternoon, Moff Jerjerrod. Are the Rebels giving
you
a bit of a pain? <laughs to himself> It seems you're right on
the
wavelength of your experiment today. This is a reply to a reply
on
that little flame war stirred up over in rec.arts.startrek.tech
about
the age-old debate on whether Star Trek could beat out Star Wars,
and
vice versa. Enjoy, boobie. <wallops the button>
[SOL]
ALL: <general pandemonium> Ahh! We've got posting sign!
[G...6...5...4...3...2...1]
[Mike carries Tom into the theater, Crow still arguing with Tom]
CROW: Please, Servo! You can't tell me that something that isn't worth a
turbolaser is tougher than the *Death Star*?! Come on, wake up!
TOM: Bite me, Crow. It all has to do on the focusing of the beam...
MIKE: Will you two settle down? It's starting.
Subject: Re: RE:
CROW: A doo-re-re-re a doo-re-re?
MIKE: I think you're stretching there.
Enterprise vs. Imperial Star Destroyer...
TOM: Oh, not again!
AGAIN.
TOM: <whimpers>
No,
seriously, READ THIS!
CROW: We don't wanna!
From: Lord Monarch
MIKE: Isn't that a little redundant?
CROW: Hey, get that. He's a pee-monarch!
MIKE: Crow, you're not starting off on the right foot...
Date:
TOM: <falsetto> Hey, boondoggie, wanna go to the pep rally with me?
10 Aug 1995
CROW: A day that will forever live in infamy!
09:03:38 GMT
Message-ID: <40ci1a$6...@antares.en.com>
TOM: Hey, it's the molecular formula for Hinder-90! Write that down!
CROW: Oh, I think it's the formula for the stuff inside Twinkies.
MIKE: No no, it's the formula for Coke II!
TOM: Well, what about Mentos?
CROW: Imitation crab meat?
MIKE: Okay, I think we've used up the joke now.
CROW: Jim J. Bullock?
TOM: That's not funny!
h4...@unb.ca wrote:
MIKE: A love song about his fish.
>
> In article <408amb$f...@newsbf02.news.aol.com> jbor...@aol.com
MIKE: Even worse, it's an AOLer!
TOM AND CROW: AAAHHH!
(JBorrasko)
TOM: Oh, Creepy Woman.
CROW: I thought you liked her.
TOM: No, that's Creepy Girl. Jaya's Creepy Woman.
CROW: Same thing.
writes:
> >From: jbor...@aol.com (JBorrasko)
MIKE: Wait, she's replying to herself?
TOM: Oh man, an AOLer that named herself after Creepy Woman that's
schizo!
CROW: I just want to know how long this is going to be.
> >Subject: RE: Enterprise vs. Imperial Star Destroyer... AGAIN. No,
seriously, READ THIS!
MIKE: Oh man, and I thought Angels' Revenge was screwed up!
CROW: At least Angels' Revenge had Jack Palance in it.
MIKE: Point.
TOM: <Palance voice> I crap bigger than this post.
> >Date: 8 Aug 1995 14:33:46 -0400
>
> > Alright, we'll ignore the fact that an Imperial or Imperial-II Class
> >Star Destroyer
TOM: So Star Destroyers come in two flavors now?
CROW: Imperial-II is better.
MIKE: Why? You've never been on one.
CROW: No, because the Chimaera was an Imperial-II class Star Destroyer.
TOM: Crow, just stop now. I don't want to hear about your precious
overgrown Smurf in the Grand Admiral uniform.
CROW: Whatcha gonna do to stop me?
TOM: Don't make me come over there!
MIKE: Guys, guys, guys! Look, I'm sure that Thrawn isn't coming back to
Deep 13. My neck's proof of that.
TOM: How is your neck, anyway? You kinda scared me then.
MIKE: Better.
TOM: Good, 'cause I--
MIKE: Just read the post, Tom. I'm fine.
TOM: You're so sensitive...
has very close to one THOUSAND
CROW: <Arnie voice> I'm looking for Sara Connor.
meters on the Enterprise,
> >even the Enterprise-D,
TOM: Which Enterprise is she talking about here?
MIKE: Who cares?
TOM: True, true...
and that if the SD's commander really got pissed
> >off,
TOM: Just remember, honey, that being pissed off is always better than
being
pissed on.
he or she would just put shields to full forward and ram the
annoying
> >little galaxy-class vessel for all it's worth.
MIKE: Which isn't really much, considering the fact that there's no
currency
in the Federation and therefore no way to measure how much
something
is worth.
TOM: How do you know that?
MIKE: Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home.
CROW: Mike, leave the Shatner alone. It's not good for you.
MIKE: Oh, do I have to?
TOM: Yes.
Another note:
CROW: B flat?
TOM: No, B natural!
CROW: AHH!
MIKE: Huh?
aluminum
> >vs. steel.
CROW: Oh wow, that means that the Enterprise is recyclable!
Which do you think would win, hmm? Besides, the
Enterprises
> >were all built primarily for exploration, and not for war,
CROW: That's what *I* said!
which the
Star
> >Destroyers were expressly commissioned by the Emperor and the Imperial
> >Senate for.
TOM: So there. Nyah.
>
> >So there. Nyah.
TOM: <whimpers again>
>
> >Feel free to flame at will (RIKER: Yes, sir? PICARD: Not you, Wil.)
CROW: Doh!
>
> >- Commander Jaya Borrasko, ISD Dark
TOM: Star.
Angel
CROW: There's still a chance Jack Palance'll show up.
> > The Emperor's Fleet
>
CROW: Isn't there?
> Listen.
MIKE: <singing> Stop, children, what's that sound...
The Galaxy class is WAY more manouvreable
MIKE: OW!
TOM: I think the Galaxy-class is way more maneuverable than this guy's
spell-checker.
than any damn white
whale
CROW: The whiiiiiiiite whale! It's the whiiiii--... No, wait! It's a
regular black whale! A blaaaaaack whale!
TOM: That's african-american whale, Crow.
CROW: Sorry.
> that the Emperor could throw at them, and in TESB two ISD's almost tore
off
> each other's superstructures! Yeah, right.
>
MIKE: I don't know, your supporting evidence is weak, your thesis is
virtually nonexistent...
> Admiral Timothy White, Starship Excalibur.
CROW: How did this guy get to be an Admiral, anyway?
TOM: Same way Grand Admiral BiteMe did.
CROW: Oh, yes... Grand Admiral BiteMe...
TOM: Crow, not now.
> Bane of the Emperor's little SissyFleet.
MIKE: Bane of all grammar, everywhere!
CROW: He'll give Ratliff a run for his money.
TOM: <chokes a sob>
I'll tell them that when the Death Star jumps into sector 001,
ALL: <hum James Bond tune>
right
next to Earth, and while the Feds are trying to contact it, with their
peace messages, they would alreeady be dead,
MIKE: Along with Jerry Garcia.
CROW: <starts crying>
MIKE: I know, I know...
and their phasers and
photons won't help them, they have ten seconds do something, when
the DS gets into range(which is a short time since they can drop from
Hyperspace right next to a planet..),
MIKE: Wow, it's as if they took it straight from Have Gun Will Travel!
that is the Power of the
Empire.
TOM: <with Crow doin' the breath thing, in James Earl Jones voice> You
don't know the power of the Dark Side.
CROW: You don't know the power of the comma.
MIKE: You know that commas corrupt.
TOM AND CROW: And absolute commas corrupt absolutely.
Just enough time for Data to say a very colorful metaphor, and in SW
the good guys do not always win, Alderaan is proof of that..
CROW: Hey cool, one of these net.tech.trekkies actually spelled Alderaan
right!
This is
MIKE: SPINAL TAP!
not the Borg, where they have mounds of time to think up a way to
defeat them..
TOM: Hey guys, what's the deal with the double periods?
MIKE: I dunno, I guess he's trying to make sure he made his point.
CROW: Dohh...
After Earth is destroyed, I really don't care what
happens next, the objective is met..
CROW: Your mission, Jim, should you decide to accept it...
TOM: <Marvin voice> I claim this system in the name of Mars.
The Enterprise would be secondary
in any battle plan by the Empire, take out Earth,
MIKE: Is that anything like Chinese take-out?
TOM: Yeah, but it's on a global scale.
and the
Federation
is reduced to nothing, a pure example of putting all your eggs in
one basket...
TOM: This guy's an example of a bad egg, you know?
By the way, the
CROW: Maltese.
MIKE: Huh?
Falcon
MIKE: Oh, come on, you planned that!
CROW: Duh, I already saw this post this morning!
MIKE: That's it; I'm restricting your usenet access.
CROW: Oh, don't pull a Pete Brown!
TOM: Mike, there are some things that a man just should not do. Wearing
knee-high sweat socks with jogging shorts is one of them. Having
more hair on your face than on your head is another.
CROW: And more gray matter between your toes than between your ears...
MIKE: Stop it. That's not nice. Pete Brown is a well-meaning, clean man
that just happens to be a little too thorough in making sure that
nothing can spoil the sacred, prima donna minds where he works.
CROW: Yeah, as if they weren't spoiled already. Geez, all he would have
to do is restrict access to the alt.* groups...
TOM: Yeah...
MIKE: Okay, okay, could we just get back to the post? TOM: Gee, Mike,
never saw you so eager to read this crap before...
is more manuverable
TOM: Close, but no cee-gar.
then the
Enterprise, never seen the Enterprise make a tight dive like the
Falcon did in ESB(don't know if the Enterprise is built for such
a thing..), of course that would make the starfighters even
more manuverable..
CROW: This guy's into Chain of Demands, isn't he?
Mark..
MIKE: Mark the Incoherent.
TOM: Come on, let's get out of this dog...
[All leave theater using the clearly marked exit]
[1...2...3...4...5...6...G]
[SOL]
[all are at usual spots]
MIKE: So Crow, I expect you learned a lesson today?
CROW: Yep. Don't go into the rec.arts area when you can go to
alt.binaries...
MIKE: Wrong lesson.
TOM: Hey, Mike?
MIKE: Yeah? <bends down to Servo-level>
TOM: <whispering to Mike> .... when he's like this... ... timeout...
CROW: HEY!
MIKE: Umm, okay... Uh, Crow, you need a timeout. <to Tom> Am I doing
it
right?
TOM: Yeah, just go over there and do like I said...
[button flashes]
MIKE: Oh, I can't, Adrik Thorsen's on the pen-phone. Well, what do you
think, sir?
[D13]
DR.F: I think you got off easy this time, Micah Brack. Well, back into
sub-space for you. <obstinately> Party pooper. <pushes da
button>
\|/
-o-
/|\
DISCLAIMER: Okay, you know the usual stuff. No personal insult was
intended to any of the above. MST3k, ST:TNG, SW, B5, and so forth are
all
properties of their respected owners. This is all meant in good clean
fun. If you
didn't like it, you can complain to bu...@white.house.gov... just
kidding!
And no personal insult was intended to any of the authors of any of the
ditties MiSTed above (I'm one of them, so I should really just shut up,
shouldn't I?), so there. Nyah.
>After Earth is destroyed, I don't really cares what happens next, the
>objective is met..
Hate to be the itchy mango in your fruit salad,
JBor...@aol.com
jla...@vertex.ucls.uchicago.edu