MISTed:"The Star Unicorns"

[Alex and/or Colin Newman]

[Setting: Crow and Tom are on the "bridge" of the SOL. There is a line drawn
in the middle of the desk, with Crow on the right and Tom on the left.
They have their backs turned to each other]

TOM: GIVE ME BACK MY HOTWHEELS, YOU TWISTED GOON!
CROW: Not until you give me back my pyrotechnics kit, dickweed!

(Joel enters, latest Shatner book in hand)

JOEL: Hey guys, what's wrong?

(Tom starts sobbing uncontrollably)

TOM: (sob) CROW STOLE MY HOTWHEELS AND HE WON'T GIVE THEM BACK!! (sob)
AND THEN HE KICKED ME DOWN THE STAIRS!! (sob)

JOEL: Crow! How could you! This'll be the fifth time this week I've
had to shut you in the maintenance locker!

CROW: Oh, bite me! You draw all of your false authority from your
psychological need to...

TOM: (sob) YOU SHUT UP!!! JUST SHUT UP!! (sob)

JOEL: Oh, Mother Theresa's calling...

[Deep 13]

DR. F: Don't worry, Joel, your upcoming experiment will be more than ample
punishment for golden boy. This is a little piece of Usenet trash
we like to call..."The Star Unicorns". But first, let's just do the
invention exchange. We have come up with an invention that is going
to be sweeping the country by storm, isn't that right, Frank?

FRANK: It sure is, Dr. F. This invention is the negative personality
trait 3-D glasses. These cater to gossip columnists, unauthorized
biography authors and anyone else who wants to get the latest dirt on
your favorite celebrity.

DR. F: Now my lovely assistant Frank will demonstrate. You just sit in
front of the television, turn it to any movie premier or award show,
and the negative personality traits of any celebrity are shown at the
bottom of your glasses. Isn't that right, Frank? Frank?

FRANK: Brooke Shields clubbed baby seals in '82?

[SOL]

[Tom is alone]

TOM: Umm, Joel has the invention, and he's a little busy right now...

[from off the set]

CROW: NOOOOO!!! MERCY! MERCY!

TOM: Well, sirs?

[Deep 13]

FRANK: Steve, you did time in '78?

DR. F: Well, yes, but I was just using those beavers to... hey! No one is
supposed to know about that! Frank, go sit in the corner and use the
electroshock device to forget what you just learned!

FRANK: I understand.

DR. F: Well, Joel, your experiment today is a cosmic joyride through the
heart of "My Little Pony". Read it and weep, Joel!

[SOL]

JOEL: We've got post signnnn!!!

7
6
5
4
3
2
1
vault door

>From: rkr...@inow.com (rkr...@inow.com)
>Newsgroups: alt.alien.visitors,alt.paranet.ufo,alt.fan.art-
>bell,alt.conspiracy

TOM: Quite a group of people this guy associates with...
JOEL: Yeah, it's like the entire net.loonie.bin.
CROW: What about alt.fan.super-biggulp?
JOEL: I remember those super big gulps from 7-11. Those were really big,
and one time my best friend spilled one of those things on me, and....
TOM: Joel, I'm sorry, but we don't care about your childhood.
JOEL: (Sigh) I never should have given you guys free will..

>Subject: The Star Unicorns - A message for Lightworkers

TOM: ...and the women who love them.

>The Star Unicorns

CROW: ...new from Mattel!

>Greetings brother/sister/father/mother/daughter/son,

TOM: ...uncle/aunt/nephew/cat/dog/gerbil/cousin...

>For the benefit of the humans who are joining this communication,

CROW: What about us robots?!
TOM SERVO: And what about all the other species with Internet accounts?
JOEL: And what about Scarecrow's brain?

> those in
>communication are Star Unicorn of Love and Star Unicorn of Power

JOEL: Hey, I think this is like the Care Bears, guys!
CROW: Actually more like the Demon Steeds.
TOM: My Little Pony is back, and this time he's mad!

>Date: The second time period since creation of the axis of transformation

TOM: I have one of those...
CROW: YOU DO NOT!
TOM: (sob) Joel, make him stop!!
JOEL: Crow, just play along with him...

>Subject of Communication: Connection/Unity
>Purpose of Communication: Illumination

CROW: Purpose of Illumination...
JOEL: Shhh...
TOM SERVO: Oh, he's going to teach us how to hook up our Christmas tree
lights... how thoughtful!

>Introduction: We are Star Unicorns. We translate our greeting to each other
>as brother/sister/father/mother/daughter/son because

TOM SERVO: ... we've been doing a *lot* of inbreeding!

> in our language
>the greeting is an acknowledgment of kinship in a common genetic heritage
>that we intend to pass on at ever higher
>levels of expression.

CROW: So, basically, they greet each other as six different people because it
makes them feel closer to their parents?
TOM: Transcendence through stupidity... hmm... food for thought.

>The Past: As Star Unicorns, we leap from star system to star system
>carrying the

TOM: ...secret of homemade oatbran muffins.

>transformative power of evolution. Evolution is our
>mission, which we view as our service to our divine source. Our God

CROW: ... can beat up your God.

> sent us
>into the universe to find where energy flows had stabilized and become self
>aware enough to make a leap in consciousness. Our task is to

TOM: ...perform in various off-broadway productions as the uni-kettes.

>understand the history of those energy flows,
>assess the level of transformation which can take place while maintaining
>the genetic coding in those flows, and provide the energy for those flows
>to make the transformation.

TOM SERVO: He's kidding us... he's *got* to be kidding us...

>In performing our mission,

JOEL: ...should we choose to accept it.

>we understand and embrace that we, too, evolve. The more we explore and
>understand, the more we grow in wisdom, strength, and gentleness.

CROW: A Star Unicorn is loyal, kind, trustworthy, honest, brave, reverent,
helpful...

> These
>particular qualities are those we value most highly.

ALL: Awwwwwwww...

>In our cosmology, wisdom brings peace

JOEL: And Internet access, apparently.

> - when we are wise enough to move the
>energy to a new level without destroying the genetic
>heritage,

CROW: ... then we can finish all the levels and look for new DOOM .wads.

> peace comes to the heritage, the new world created is harmonious
>within itself, and the joy of accomplishment radiates from the new world
>into all the dimensions.

JOEL: And the crowd goes wild!
TOM & CROW: Yay...

> Through our work, we xfeed the energy of transformation
>to those realms that cannot digest the energy of disharmony and thrive on
>the energy of peace.

CROW: Whoa. Deep, man...

>Strength is power expressed through understanding and brings change. When
>we are strong enough to go through the process of understanding energy
>expressions of a frequency very different from our own,

JOEL: Is that AM or FM?
TOM SERVO: Ask Kenneth, he knows...

>strong enough to allow that understanding to express
>itself through our transformative powers, and strong enough to hold
>the pattern while the transition takes place, then we truly achieve
>change.

TOM: Wait, wait, wait. Doesn't transition=change?
JOEL [as Tae Kwan Leap master]: Meditate with me upon this wisdom, as we
gaze into the candle flame. Ommmmmmmm...

>Gentleness expresses our wisdom and power through unconditional
>love. Applying the wisdom of our understanding and the strength
>of our powers with infinite tenderness and just the right amount of
>force to achieve our transformative purpose.

TOM: And to make a great pizza.
JOEL: Go ahead, finish the sentence...

>We are evolving beings. We have not always achieved our goals.

CROW: Sometimes the puck gets deflected.

> When our
>understandings were insufficient, we attempted to
>transform without all the pieces in place and the transformation
>failed.

CROW & TOM [chanting]: THE UNICORN COULDN'T TRANSFOORM, NA-NA-NANA-NA...

JOEL: Somebody needs to explain the Prime Directive to these Star Unicorns...

>when our strength was too little or too great, we began the
>transformative process only to see destruction as the result,
>either through collapse of the energy system or expansion of the
>energy system beyond its capacity to maintain its integrity.

TOM SERVO [as Alex Trebek]: That transformation was incorrect. How much did
you wager? Oooh, I'm sorry...

> When
>our love was conditional, such as through over-identification,

JOEL: Then we had codependency issues to bring up in group.

> we would
>project our own vision of the results of the transformation and
>create an energy field that could only be held when one of us remained
>behind. (May the day of transformation come when we will all be reunited.)

CROW: Alien unicorns, reunited with their kinfolk, tonight on Geraldo!

>We come to new star systems in waves, each with their own joyful
>task to perform.

JOEL [as tourguide]: On our left, you can see the first of our joyful tasks...
TOM SERVO: Did one of those "joyful tasks" consist of probing Whitley
Strieber's anus?

>First come the keepers of the knowledge.

TOM SERVO: Then Came Bronson!

> While each of us has the
>entire history of our journey encoded, the keepers of the
>knowledge have that history at a conscious level.

CROW [as knowledge keeper]: I'll take "History of Our Journey" for $200,
Alex.

> They are
>essentially vast data banks of all our experiences to date.

JOEL: They're not much fun at parties, they really need to get out more...

> In the
>new star system, they locate the species we are to work with in bringing
>about the transformation and establish passive links.

TOM SERVO [as knowledge keeper]: Hey, this species doesn't have 9-pin serial,
anybody got an adapter?

> The information
>received is compared in exquisite detail with all the information
>we have about other systems where we have both succeeded and failed.

CROW [as knowledge keeper]: Hmmm... looks like another carbon-based species.
Let's see if these guys react to electro-shock
like the last ones did...

>A first model of the transformation is completed to be passed on to
>the next wave.

TOM SERVO [announcer's voice]: Our first model, coming down the runway now,
is wearing a Yves St. Laurent transformation
which simply defines sophisticated styling...

>The next wave are the keepers of the energy.

JOEL: Florida orange juice. 100% pure energy. Are you drinking enough?

> While we all have the
>transformative power, the keepers of the energy constantly focus
>on expressions of the energy, refining those expressions into ever
>more discrete forms in order to provide the greatest possible
>selection of tools for the transformation itself.

TOM SERVO [as energy keeper]: At 3M, we provide the tools, innovation and
creative know-how to transform any species you
may encounter! Why you could change a duck
into a giraffe, a snoggle into a blifflewortz,
or even turn Doug Herzog into a human being!
3M! For all your evolutionary needs!

>The next wave are the keepers of the vision.

CROW: Lenscrafter owners are quickly mobilized!

> We all seek to achieve
>our purpose in unfolding the universe and the cosmos.

JOEL [as Minnesota woman]: Oh, they're gonna have lots of unsightly wrinkles
when they unfold that cosmos, dontcha know. I
hope they have an iron handy...

> We all hold
>in our hearts the day of our return to our home and reuniting with
>all of our family.

CROW: Did you try clicking your hooves together three times and saying
"There's no place like home"?

> (What tales we will have to tell!)

ALL [singing]: Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a
cosmic trip...

> The keepers of
>the vision have as their central practice keeping their focus on
>the worlds of the moment.

TOM SERVO: Unlike the author of this post, who obviously lost contact with
our world long ago...

>All those arriving at a new system know that in the past we have made the
>mistake of being too anxious to complete our job and go
>home

JOEL [as Star Unicorn]: C'mon, Earl, it's almost 5 o'clock, just slap some
sealer on that species and let's punch out...

> because the call is so strong and the joy waiting so great. Our
>impatience was very costly to us.

TOM: We were turning people into salmon all over the place!
CROW [as Star Unicorn]: Look, we really feel bad about screwing up your
species, okay? We said we were sorry...

>The record keepers faced the risk of losing their compassion as the
>data banks grew so immense.

TOM [as record keeper]: Man, I've been around a long time, and let me tell
you, these lifeforms just plain SUCK!

> Understanding a new system can
>seem a trivial task. Where an incomplete understanding produced failure,

JOEL: ... they had to retake the course in summer school.

>the record keeper remained behind to hold the genetic
>memory until the time of restoration, shown to us at the time of the first
>failure.
>The keepers of the energy faced the risk of becoming impatient
>because they have the power of instant transformation. Where too
>little power was used, the keeper of the energy remained behind to
>keep the genetic system alive in stasis.

CROW: Until Dr. Kevorkian came along to pull the plug.

> Where too much power was
>used,

TOM SERVO: ... they had to go down to the basement with a flashlight and look
for the fuse box.

> the keeper of the energy remained behind to hold the energy
>field in place until the restoration.

>The keepers of the vision have made the mistake of imposing a
>vision, rather than letting the vision emerge gracefully and
>organically. When the vision does not fit

CROW: ... it gets exchanged at the store for a different size.

>and a transformation takes place that
>is not essence, the vision keeper remains behind to
>hold open the door of evolution along the new path, until the restoration
>of the initial path arrives.

JOEL [as vision keeper]: Hey, hurry up with that restoration, will ya! My
arm's killing me holding open this door here!

>*** In the midst of this transmission, we received a new understanding. ***

TOM SERVO [news anchor voice]: I've just been handed a bulletin... the author
of this post is a complete loon... details at
11.

>We bless the universe for the transformative message just received.

JOEL: ... in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.
Amen.

> Until
>now we did not know that there was a Star Unicorn of
>Restoration.

JOEL [as Star Unicorn of Restoration]: Do I always have to clean up after
you? Can't you not deprive these poor
creatures of their heads JUST ONCE???

> We assumed the vision we were shown required the
>presence of a force unknown to correct our mistakes.

CROW [as Goliath]: Gee, Davey. Do you think it could be... God?

> We
>understand that part of the reason for our failures was the
>unconscious nature of our perception of the restoration; believing the
>restorative force came from the unknown, we feared that force would
>judge us for those failures and destroy us.

TOM: Hello, Uni. This is the restorative force, and you've got *a lot* of
explaining to do.
JOEL: But the DNA evidence was suppressed, so we were acquitted on all
charges.

> Now we know that the
>restoration is brought by another in our family, we understand that
>we are freed from that fear,

TOM SERVO: Yeah, those Kennedys sure know how to protect each other...

> that there were no mistakes, only
>learnings,

CROW: Yeah, tell that to the "energy systems" you destroyed while you guys
were learning on the job!

> and that our kin left behind when we did not succeed are
>being freed to join us here for what may be the final transformation.

TOM SERVO: It's a Very Unicorny Family Reunion!

>We see the potential for final transformation because we have
>discovered in your Earth a doorway that appears to lead directly back to
>our home world.

JOEL [as Rod Serling]: You open this door with the key of imagination.

> We know that this planet provides ample energy to form
>illusions. We have been lured by illusions in the past.

TOM SERVO: Ah, so they fell for Reaganomics too!
CROW: See? We CAN balance the budget by cutting taxes and spending
more! It's all on this napkin!

> And
>we know that the driving energy in the fear of punishment is now
>ours to use in holding open a doorway to our home world. Once our
>task here is finished successfully, we will make our journey into
>that doorway. We ask your prayers that we find our way home.

JOEL [as Star Unicorn]: So long, and thanks for all the hay.

>Subsequent to this transmission, the unicorns did their part in
>establishing the axis of transformation, passed through the portal, and
>returned to their home.

CROW: AND DON'T COME BACK!!!
TOM: But 2 years later, they *did* come back to screw up a few more species
just for fun.

[..1..]
[..2..]
[..3..]
[..4..]
[..5..]
[..6..]

[Joel, Crow, Tom Servo and Gypsy have formed a rock band in the control room
of the SOL. They are all dressed in horse costumes that are decorated with
stars. They all have a single horn poking out of the top of their heads.
Gypsy's horn is the pointed cap that she wore as a lady-in-waiting/unicorn
in "The Magic Sword". Crow has an electric guitar in his hooves, Joel has a
tambourine, and Tom Servo is at a drum set that says "Gypsy and the Unicorns"
in big cartoony letters on the front. Gypsy is in front of the group at a
microphone.]

GYPSY: All right, guys, are we ready? And this time, Joel, if you come in
late, *you're* out, understand?

JOEL: Okay, Gypsy, fair enough...

GYPSY: ONE! TWO! ONE TWO THREE FOUR!

[Gypsy sings this song to the tune of "Josie and the Pussycats".]

Gypsy and the Unicorns!
Long manes and single horns!
Guitars 'n' notes 'n' chords!
Keen scene, groovy song, we're on a mission, come along!

Hurry, hurry!

We could visit Sirius, and see the sights
Then on to Procyon, it's paradise...
Maybe to Arcturus, won't that be nice?
We're involved in this or that, wherever evolution's at...

Come on now!

Gypsy and the Unicorns!
No time for hate and scorn!
Star-hopping since before you were born!
Gypsy and the Uni-co-ooooorns!

Hurry, hurry!

See us tampering in God's domain
When we fail, a species writhes in pain
We screwed up, but we won't take the blame
We're involved in this or that, wherever evolution's at...

Come along now!

Gypsy and the Unicorns!
Feed us hay and oats and corn!
We'll make you feel transformed!

Come with us, you won't be bored...
Come on, watch us get restored!

Gypsy and the Unicorns!
Gypsy and the Uni-co-ooooorns!

[The transmission light flashes, and the hexfield viewscreen opens.]

[A vision keeper Star Unicorn is in the hexfield, wearing nerdy glasses that
look like Mikey's from "Teenage Strangler". The vision keeper looks like
Mike Nelson in a horse costume decorated with stars, with a horn poking out
of his head. He is holding a door open in the vacuum of space.]

VISION KEEPER: Hey, keep it down in there! Some of us are trying to keep our
focus on the world of the moment out here, you know!

JOEL: Hey, guys, check it out! It's one of the Star Unicorns!

TOM SERVO: Are any of you guys invisible and pink, by any chance?

VISION KEEPER [confused]: What?

TOM SERVO: Just something I read on alt.atheism. Never mind, silly
question...

JOEL: So what are you doing here, Mr. Unicorn, sir?

VISION KEEPER: Well, you know, the usual... holding the evolutionary door
open until that restoration thing comes around. It gets
kinda technical, I don't know if you guys would understand...
hey, would any of you happen to be virgins by any chance?

JOEL, GYPSY, CROW & TOM: Huh?!

VISION KEEPER: Oh, it's one of those silly traditions from way back when...
the rules say we're supposed to lay our heads in a virgin's
lap and do whatever they say... it's kinda weird, really.

JOEL: Well, my bots really don't have laps per se, and as for me... say,
aren't you supposed to be on your way home by now? We were just
reading an Internet post that said that your restoration was at hand,
and all you guys were catching the next axis of transformation out of
here!

VISION KEEPER: That so? I didn't see anything last time I checked my
account. I'd better look again... [The vision keeper picks
up a laptop computer from below the view of the hexfield, and
taps on the keyboard with his other hoof.] Search on
"Unicorn"... ah, here it is! You know, these messages don't
propagate the way they used to... anyway, I gotta get going,
there's great joy waiting for me at home and all that, you
know how it is. Maybe I'll see you again next time we go out
transforming. Well, okay, bye.

[The vision keeper walks through the door and closes it behind him. The
hexfield closes after that.]

TOM SERVO: How the heck does he do that?

JOEL: Do what?

TOM SERVO: Operate a computer with a hoof?

JOEL: Hey, come on, Tom, give him some credit... he's a mystical, magical
creature! Besides, I think he had a trackball on the keyboard.

TOM SERVO: Ohhhh...

CROW: Hey Joel, do you think there's any more Star Unicorns out there that
haven't gotten that restoration message yet?

JOEL: Hmmmm... I don't know. Makes you think, though, doesn't it?

[The Mads light flashes, and Joel hits it.]

[Deep 13]

[An energy keeper unicorn, wearing a tool belt full of evolutionary tools,
is kneeling on the floor with his head in Frank's lap. Frank and Dr.
Forrester are sitting in chairs across from each other. Frank is scratching
the unicorn's ears.]

FRANK: Aww... isn't he cute? I think he likes me, Dr. F!

DR. F: Frank, I didn't shoot that thing with a tranquilizer dart and haul it
all the way down here just so that you could make it into your own
personal lap dog!

FRANK: But Steve, he put his head in my lap the minute he saw me! Almost
like he'd do anything I asked him to...

DR. F: Well, that's very touching, Frank, but do you think you could tear
yourself away from your little friend long enough to push the button?
I want to find out what those evolutionary tools can *really* do!
Say, Frank, I think you'd look great as an amphibian! How does that
sound?

FRANK: Whatever you say, Clay, you're the doctor... Okay, Uni, get up now.
Frank has to push the button, and then he's going to get himself
transformed... [The energy keeper gets up, and Frank ruffles his fur.]
Good unicorn! Oh, you're such a good unicorn! Yes you are! Yes you
are!

[The energy keeper walks over and puts his head in Dr. Forrester's lap. Dr.
Forrester is trying to push him away as Frank pushes the button.]

[Screen closes to a little spot.]

DR. F: Frank! Get me the shock collar!

[Closing credits]

MST'ed by: Trumpy (si...@telepath.com) and Jarek (V335...@ubvms.cc.buffalo.
edu)

Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and
situations are trademarks of and (c) 1996 by Best Brains,
Inc. All rights reserved.

Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or
trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be
inferred.

>We bless the universe for the transformative message just received.