MSTing: A RATLIFF WEDDING 6/9
a.ca...@genie.com
>Chapter Ten
>
> Gamma Shift (of four shifts) was about to begin on the Endeavor,
>Lieutenant Commander Clara Sutter was getting briefed on the events of
>the day while she had been in Engineering, before taking command.
Tom: "The Federation was taken over by giant talking chickens. Oh, and one
of the shuttlecraft got dented."
>"The Defiant, the Clinton, the Gorkon, and the Stargazer have arrived," Jay
>briefed. "Fleet Admiral Picard has ordered a flyby
Crow: Yo, he gon' show 'em y'all don't mess wit' Picard's posse.
Mike: Word.
>by a select wing of fighters from the Stargazer for the wedding and they are
>practicing, so keep an eye out for any fighter who gets himself into trouble.
>Other than that, everything is normal."
Mike: "We continue to lead dismal lives of quiet desperation."
> "Any word on the arrival of the starship Nova?" Clara asked.
Tom [Jay]: "Taken out of commission. Gingrich killed PBS's funding."
> "Yes, Captain LaForge thinks he has all the bugs solved for now and
>projects an arrival time of about an hour from now," Jay said. "Worried
>about you father being late to your wedding?"
> "Yes, I know all the bugs that the Nova had when it left Utopia,"
>Clara said.
Crow: "It was almost as bad as Windows 95!"
>"Heck I found a couple myself last time I visited Dad. Personally I think
>they underestimated the time it would take to debug a ship that is more than
>twice as long as the Galaxy Class."
Mike: Oh, so it =is= length and not technique that counts.
> "Especially a design that they rushed into production," Jay added.
> "That too," Clara said. "You better get to sleep, Jay. Tomorrow
>is a big day for both of us and unlike me, you need 8 hours of sleep."
> "How many do you need?"
> "Just 4 and a half," Clara replied.
Nine: "The crystal meth takes care of the rest!"
>"Now get to bed before I sic Doctor Johnson on you."
> Jay left the bridge by the forward turbolift, saying, "Beta
>shift is relieved, Clara you have the bridge."
> "You bet I do," Clara muttered.
Crow: Whoa! What does that mean?
Tom: If it means what I think it does, I know whose side =I'm= on!
>
> An hour later, the first, and so far the only Nova Class
>Starship, the USS Nova under Captain Geordi LaForge pulled into orbit.
>Her saucer was an ellipse
Mike: --so Rob Liefeld can't draw it.
>facing like those in the Intrepid Class. Retracted inside, the saucer
>supported Defiant like Warp Engines. However her real warp engines were
>more traditionally mounted on the Engineering hull which started with a
>large defector dish,
Crow: So =that's= why it ran away with the spoon! It was seeking political
asylum!
>one and a half times the size of those on Galaxy Class Starships. It swept
>back like a
Tom: --bad comb-over.
>slightly flattened on the top club with the warp pylons attached mid-way
>back. The pylons attached to the warp nacelles two thirds from the back.
>The nacelles themselves were similar in shape to the ones on the galaxy
>class, but smaller sections of color were seeable.
Mike [intercom]: "Attention, passengers. I regret to announce that we are
going to have to divert this flight to Dallas/Fort Worth, as Denver is
completely fogged in with zero seeability."
>The color itself was unique. The forward tips were bright red like before
>but that's were the similarity ended. Instead of the blue color strip it was
>purple in color at rest but as it produced more and more power that color
>arched up to an orange color.
Crow: WHO CARES? WHO FRIGGING CARES??
[pause]
Crow: Sorry.
> As it drew closer to the Endeavor, another feature was spotted.
Tom: By...?
>The Nova had a large forward facing fighter bay. It wasn't easy to spot
>however with the shell like bay door reminiscent of the old Constitution
>Class Starships. The ID was now clearly readable, USS Nova NX 90000, she
>said
Mike: Who said?
Crow: I dunno. Marrissa, maybe? She talks a lot.
Tom: Maybe it's whoever spotted the other feature.
>as she merged into standard orbit in front of the Endeavor.
> On the bridge of the Endeavor, Clara marveled at the Engineering
>of the ship on which her father served as Chief Engineer. If it were
>for the fact that she wanted to stay under Marrissa's Command,
Mike [Drew Pinsky]: "If anything =I= want to be dominated!"
>Clara would have been doing everything under her power to get in the
>position her father had on the Nova,
Nine: Is that even biologically possible?
>despite the problems the ship had.
> "Incoming hail from the Nova," the tactical officer said.
Tom: Hail, stellar shrapnel, same difference.
> "On screen," Clara ordered. Captain Geordi LaForge appeared on
>screen. Seated comfortably in the Command Chair on the well endowed
>bridge of the Nova,
Crow: I hear it's so well endowed it's been looking into reduction surgery.
>the recently posted Captain of Starfleet's newest pride and joy smiled.
>"Good Evening, Captain LaForge."
> "Clara, Clara, Clara, how many times do I have to tell you, any
>one who helped design the ship I command doesn't have to call me Captain,"
>Geordi LaForge commented.
Tom: "Nor does anyone in my enormous harem of holographic concubines!"
> "I only designed the preliminary warp drive configuration," Clara
>downplayed.
Mike: This non-speech word brought to you by Neal Mentech.
> "Clara, did anyone ever tell you that your too modest?" Geordi
>replied. "Designing an warp drive configuration for a ship this size is
>no easy feat."
> "Marrissa tells me that all the time," Clara answered.
Crow: "Yes, modesty is just one of my many wonderful qualities!"
>"So is my father ready to play his role in my wedding tomorrow?"
Mike: "No, but he's ready to play Hamlet in Winnipeg!"
> "I made sure his dress uniform was clean and ready for him to
>wear," Geordi said.
Tom: "Oh, and I laid his undies out at the foot of his bed."
>"Per your instructions, I'm well aware of his tendency to become buried in
>his work and come up only to eat and sleep."
Nine: What fulfilling lives they all lead.
> "You should be, you are the only one who has commanded him
>longer than I have," Clara replied.
> "Sorry about stealing him from you," Geordi apologized.
> "That's OK, because your going to send me two new assistant
>Chief Engineers," Clara said with a grin.
Mike: "--along with a second-round draft pick and a player to be named later!"
> "Let me guess more ships have been raiding the Endeavor for the
>excellent officers she produces," Geordi said.
Nine: He makes it sound like they're coming out the hind end of a chicken.
> "That and Marrissa raided Engineering to fill the post of Chief
>of Security," Clara replied. "I don't have a single officer that's been
>in Starfleet for over a year now."
Crow: Hey, that's life on the USS Menudo.
> "You do need officers then," Geordi stated. "I'll see that your
>father sends two of our best to you."
Tom: "Let's see-- yup, we've got Stacey Koon and Mark Fuhrman scheduled for
transfer!"
> "Thanks Geordi, I need all the help I can get," Clara replied.
>"How long are you going to be around Essex?"
> "I'm here for a couple days, to load fighters and attend the
>wedding, and however much time it takes to pull this ship out of orbit,"
>Geordi replied.
Crow: "I'm figuring it'll take a few days -- Picard's picking up my room
service bill!"
> "It sounds like you don't trust the Nova," Clara replied.
> "Not until I see all these bugs ironed out," Geordi responded.
>"For instance I discovered on the way here that they loaded bad warp
>speed power conversion tables.
Mike: "Even worse, they had bad UUE conversion tables! My extensive
digitized pornography collection, ruined!"
>I had to put them in from memory."
> "I can transmit my copy of them," Clara offered.
> "No better place to get them than the source," Geordi accepted.
Tom: "That's why I drive fifty miles out of town to go to the outlet mall!"
>"Any changes I should know about?"
> "Warp 12 has been confirmed at the level of scale Starfleet IV
>warp 11.87 just like I told them," Clara said. "Starfleet Engineering
>will probably be revising it's tables within a year."
Mike: About time they fixed that wobbly leg.
> "Personally the Nova runs on the Clara scale," Geordi replied.
>"I'm fed up with their recalibrations every four years because they don't
>believe the article you wrote when you were 12
Nine: You mean "A Scientific Treatise on Why Joey Is the Cutest Lawrence
Brother"?
>or the opinions of almost all of the Engineers out in the field."
> "By the way, check the Journal, I've got a new article on that
>subject," Clara said. "I figured out where 14, 15, and 16 are."
Mike: In this story, that'd be puberty, marriage and parenthood respectively.
> "The Nova will be converting to Clara II, soon as I have time,"
>Geordi replied. "Well I better go make sure my Chief Engineer is
>getting some sleep. If I don't I'm not sure he'd wake up in time to
>walk you down the aisle.
Nine: "I dunno... every single night he makes a big fuss till I read him
'Goodnight Moon'. You think he'd have outgrown it by now!"
>Nova out."
>
> Meanwhile on Romulas, the Romulan Security Counsel had gathered
>to advise the Predator about
Crow: --the fact that Schwarzenegger wouldn't sign for the sequel.
>the Federation build up at the planet Essex. In the room were four Romulan
>Admirals,
Tom [singing]: o/~ Three french hens, two turtledoves... o/~
>a representative of the Tal'shar, and two officers responsible for
>monitoring Federation starship movements, in addition to the Predator and
>his two aides.
> "Well gentlemen, what do we have today," the Predator asked.
Mike: "Looks like crossovers with ALIENS and BATMAN, sir."
> "We have a most serious situation near the planet Essex," the
>First Admiral said.
Nine: I =knew= that Bradwell-on-Sea nuclear plant was operating below code!
> "As serious as the one you brought to my attention last week," the
>Predator asked. "Really I don't think an extra ship on the Klingon border
>was cause for concern."
Crow: "But--"
Tom: "Quiet! I don't =care= if it had really cool vanity plates!"
> "This time it's really serious, my lord," the Second Admiral said.
>"Seven starships are orbiting that planet."
> "So some old Obeth class starships needed to transfer cargo," the
>Predator responded. "Like the ones you pointed out a couple weeks ago near
>the junction of Klingon, Romulan, and Federation Space."
Mike: Oh, yeah, next to the Stuckey's.
> "One of them is the Enterprise," the Third Admiral stated.
> "So, the flagship is in the area," the Predator replied. "Wasn't
>that your complaint a month ago, when it was in route to Earth from Kronos?"
Crow: "Well, sure, but now I've got a new complaint."
Tom [singing]: o/~ For-or-ever in debt to your pri-iceless advi-ice... o/~
> "Another is the Defiant," the Fourth Admiral, Tistek, said.
Mike: Hey, how come he gets a name?
Tom: I wonder if Admiral Throwaway's wandering around here somewhere...
> "What are those ships anyway?" the Predator asked, suddenly
>concerned.
Crow: "They're big spacegoing vessels with lots of people in funny
color-coded uniforms, but that's not important right now."
> One of the monitors spoke up, "The Endeavor, the Enterprise, the
>Defiant, the Clinton, the Gorkon, the Clinton, the Stargazer, the
>Trinity."
> "The Pope's ship, there is a laugh!" the Predator responded.
Mike: It =is= pretty funny how he stands at the window and waves at all the
passing ships.
> "Do not underestimate the power of the religion of the Pope," the
>Tal'shar representative said. "Four times, people have tried to capture or
>destroy the Trinity and all four times those people have not succeeded."
Nine: "One of 'em dented the Holy Spirit a little, but other than that, no
luck."
> "I'll take that fact, under advisement," the Predator responded.
>"Now what are the classes of those other ships?"
Tom: "Proletarian, sir."
> "The Enterprise is an Galaxy; the Endeavor, a Nebula II; the
>Clinton, an Intrepid;
Mike: I'll bet that's the first time the words "Clinton" and "intrepid" have
appeared in the some sentence.
>the Defiant is of coarse its own class; the Gorkon, Excelsior; the Stargazer
>is one of their small carrier class of that name," the First Admiral
>responded.
> "Not very good, five D'deridex class warbirds could do it," the
>Predator began. "If I had decent Admirals, instead it will probably take
>about 8."
Tom: This story isn't very good. Five paragraphs could do it, if it had a
decent writer. Instead it'll probably take about 8000.
> "I take it that your sending in the fleet," the Second Admiral said.
> "Yes, but not under your over reacting command," the Predator
>snapped. "Admiral Tistek, take a dozen D'deridex class warbirds and get
>rid of that build up.
Mike: If only we could get rid of =this= build-up. Hurry it up, already!
Get to the battle!
>I'll leave your little numskulls to put together a plan. And remember if
>Admiral Tistek fails, all four of you Admirals are dead." The Praetor swept
>from the room.
Nine: Wait, that's a typo, right? He meant to type "Predator", right? I
mean, Ratliff couldn't possibly know Latin given his limited command of
English, could he?
Crow: Ah, don't worry. I think it's one of those monkey/typewriter things.
> The Admirals got to work on their plan to eliminate the fleet
>assembled at the planet Essex.
>
>Chapter Eleven
Tom: Their plan is to file bankruptcy?
>
> Doctor Beverly Picard was helping her adopted step daughter get
>into her wedding dress. However Captain Marrissa Picard and the dress
>were not on good terms. "Stop figgeting," the Doctor said.
Nine: "You're not supposed to start figgeting till =after= the wedding!"
>"I swear you really don't like dresses."
> "No doctor, I don't like eliborate dresses which are tight and
>have 45 foot long trains," Marrissa complained.
Tom: I agree. I'd much prefer it if the 45 foot train were barrelling into
her at 180 miles an hour.
Crow: "Why don't they look?"
>"Why can't the bride wear the dress uniform?"
> "Its only for about two hours," the Doctor replied. "Surely you
>can stand it for that long."
Nine: "Two hours? The girls in the locker room said it was more like ninety
seconds!"
> "Yes, but don't tell Victoria, she'll have me attend more of
>those 'garden parties' in them," Marrissa responded. "And Jay thinks
>the dress uniform is uncomfortable."
Crow: Ah, yes, the ol' "polyester vasectomy."
> Queen Victoria poked her head into the room and said, "I heard
>that, Marrissa. I'll be sure to schedule another 'garden party' next
>time you are in the area."
Tom: Yeesh, is there anyone here who =doesn't= spend the whole day
eavesdropping on people?
> "Great, more boring diplomats," Marrissa muttered.
Mike: Boring? You obviously haven't seen Warren Christopher do his Dick
Cavett impression.
> "Why are you complaining, you are the life of the social,"
Crow: The ice cream social?
>Victoria said. "Even with a decade's practice I can't make small talk last
>that long."
Tom: So among Marrissa's many talents is a gift for inane chatter.
Crow: Well, sure, to the extent that a gift for inane dialogue is among
Ratliff's.
Tom: Wow. Now I'm impressed.
> "Don't you have a planet to run?" Marrissa responded.
Mike: Are you kidding? If the royals actually had any governmental
responsibilities they wouldn't have time to boff their riding instructors
and sun their sallow, anemic skin on gravelly private beaches.
Nine: As it is they don't seem to have the time to brush their teeth.
> "Sorry, day off due to accepting the Prime Minister's wedding
>proposal," Victoria grinned.
> "So William finally got up the nerve?" Beverly replied.
Nine: Yeah, that's it. "The nerve." Good euphemism, Bev.
Crow: Well, the older generation isn't comfortable talking frankly about
these kinds of things.
> "You might say that, after Marrissa helped me trap him," the
>Queen replied.
Tom: "He did try to gnaw his own foot off, but fortunately he only made it
through a couple of tendons before he passed out from blood loss!"
> "Tell me more," Doctor Beverly Picard said,
Mike: Uh, we already saw that scene. Any chance we can skip to the next
chapter or... no...?
>attaching the train (the part that would trail back behind Marrissa was
>pined up in a roll to make the procession to the cathedral in the carriage
>a little easier.)
Tom: And what about the part of the train that would get wrapped around her
face? Sheesh.
> "Well, Marrissa got rid of my Prime Minister's last objections by
>informing him of a poll that her press office did, per my request,"
Crow: Looks like Ratliff's vocabulary list this week prominently featured
the word "per".
>Victoria began. "So Bill told me to meet him in the West Garden near
>the lily pond at eight. I arrive just as the sun sets to discover him
>in a black tuxedo with tails. He asked me if I'd care to join him for a
>little walk.
Tom: [shakes head] All these tense changes are making me dizzy.
>I said yes and he lead me to the gazebo were we met a string quartet,
>playing 'Some Enchanted Evening.'
Nine: "Together we beat them senseless and continued on our way."
>As they played he pressed a small box into my hand and asked me to open it.
> "I opened it to discover a diamond ring. Looking up I find him
>on his knees.
Mike: Wow. He must be really tall.
Crow: "I'm huge!"
>He said, 'Tory will you marry me.' I replied, 'Yes, what took you so long.'"
Nine: "And I said it just like that. Completely flat and emotionless."
> "What happened then?" Doctor Picard said after a moments
>silence.
> "He took me out dancing," Victoria replied, her cheeks blushing.
>"We didn't get back to the place
Crow: "You see there was this thing, at the place, with the thing--"
>until 4 o'clock this morning."
> "I'd ask for details, but I don't think Marrissa wants to be
>late for her own wedding," Beverly replied.
> "If I am it will ruin discipline on my ship," Marrissa responded.
Tom: *laugh* You can't say the girl doesn't have priorities.
>"I don't think you want to be responsible for the only ship in Starfleet to
>have a 120% efficiency rating for 5 consecutive months not making 6 months."
> "Heaven forbid," Victoria laughed.
Nine [Marrissa]: "Are you mocking me?"
Mike [Victoria]: "What? No, I was just-- NO! Not the garrotte! AAAGGGGGHHH!
>"Well the carriages await, and so does the public."
>
> Outside the palace carriages were arrayed for the many distinguished
>guest's rides to the cathedral of Saint Paul in Londondairy, Essex.
Tom: What a =cheesy= place to hold a wedding!
Crow: Oh, can you think of a =butter= place?
Mike: Let's not =milk= the dairy jokes to death.
>Among those guests who left first was the ruler of the Klingon High Counsel,
>Luteg and the heir to the throne, K'ta daughter of Ka'less; there was a
>delegation from Cardassian, Legate Dukat and his son Mikor, first officer of
>the Stargazer. Representing members of the Federation there was Laxwanna
>Troi from Betazed, Sel Rahc Crevel from Nevolsia, and General Kira and Kia
>Winn from Bajor.
Crow: "And I see Billy and Tommy and Susie and--"
>From Starfleet there was Admiral Scott, who commanded Starfleet Engineering;
>Admiral Okie of Starfleet Diplomatic; and even the elusive commander of
>Starfleet Intelligence, Admiral Saavik was there.
Tom: --chatting with JD Salinger.
>All of Marrissa's former Captains and Commanding Officers were in a couple
>carriages. Captain T'Gwen Washington of the Stargazer, Captain Riker of the
>Enterprise, and Rear-Admiral Benjamin Sisko,
Crow: Oh, no! The dreaded Rear Admiral! *giggle*
>Marrissa's current Commanding Officer, were all in one carriage. The ailing
>ex-Fleet Admiral Necheyev was in another with Captain Chelsea Crusher and
>her husband and first-officer, Wesley.
Tom: Hasn't anyone around here ever heard of a purely professional
relationship?
> Then came the royal carriages. In the first was Martin Sussex, and
>his mother, the Duchess of Greenwich, Mary. Next came the Queens carriage
Mike: Oh, you mean the E train.
>with her and her fiance, the Prime Minister. Third was Clara's carriage,
>containing her father, Daniel, the Duke of Yorkshire and Clara herself.
>Last in line was Marrissa's Carriage.
Tom: Note that Marissa's Carriage gets a Capital Letter.
>Fleet Admiral Jean Luc Picard helped his daughter up into the carriage and
>then his wife.
Tom: He helped his daughter into his wife? Sick!
Nine: Actually, I think I read a couple of those on
alt.sex.stories.incest.lesbian.
>After Marrissa was seated in her carriage, the procession from the palace
>to Saint Paul's began with the first carriage's exiting the palace grounds.
> Crowds of people lined the route. And flags on the lamp post
>alternated between M & J and C & A in Gold on a blue background.
Mike: And at the bottom of each flag was a big "4ever!!!" in smeared blue
ballpoint pen.
>As the carriages passed by the crowds strained to get a good look at the
>young Princesses, Marrissa and Clarrissa.
Crow: --and their cousin from Massachusetts, Wicked Pissa.
>The Royal Guard, mounted on horseback, had a hard time restraining them.
Nine: From what? Making out?
Mike: I think he means the crowds.
Nine: Oh.
>The going route being shorter than the post-wedding procession route, The
>carriages soon began arriving at the cathedral.
> Marrissa's carriage arrived at Saint Paul's just a minute ahead
>of schedule.
Mike: "Just one lousy minute? That's it! No tip!"
>It may be good luck for the bride to arrive late, but Marrissa didn't want
>her crew to have evidence what so ever that she had ever been late for
>anything. It just wasn't good for discipline.
Tom: You get the feeling Marrissa's the type that washes her hands fifteen
times a day?
>As he father assisted her exit from the carriage, her four train bearers
>waited to make sure the forty-five foot long train was displayed to it's
>fullest.
Mike: I heard some guys in the locker room talking about Marrissa's caboose
the other day. This must be what they meant.
> The day was one that Marrissa was sure that she would remember
>for the rest of her life. The sky was clear, with birds flying over
>head. The black stone gothic church stood adorned in wedding attire,
Tom: --with a veil over the stained glass window and a garter around the
steeple.
>waiting for the brides to enter. So Clara and Marrissa entered, their
>fathers at their sides.
>
> Meanwhile on the Romulan side of the Neutral Zone, A dozen
>Romulan warbirds had gathered. They were ready to destroy the ships
>orbiting the planet Essex.
Crow: "Mr. De Mille, I'm ready for my sneak attack!"
>On the bridge of the flagship, Admiral Tistek stood admiring his fleet.
Tom: That's why they call him the Admiral!
>The Tal'shar representative stood beside him, ready to advise. One of the
>monitoring officers approached. "You have more information?" Tistek inquired.
Crow [tinny]: "What city please?"
Mike: If there's one thing society needs, it's more information.
> "Yes, Admiral," the officer replied. "The starship Nova has
>joined the group of ships. In addition, monitoring Federation Press
>channels have revealed the reason for the concentration of forces.
Tom: "They're trying to figure out one of those magic-eye puzzles!"
Crow: Huh?
Tom: Well, those things take a =lot= of concentration!
Crow: *groan*
>Captain Marrissa Picard, the heir to that world, is marrying her first
>officer.
Crow: "Wh-- you can't marry your first officer! You get babies with nine
heads!"
>Most of the ships gathered have personal connections with her. Her cousin
>and Chief Engineer, is also getting married, the other ships have
>connections with her."
Tom: "And the Foot Ship's connected to the Leg Ship, the Leg Ship's connected
to the Hip Ship..."
> "The wedding is just an facade," the Tal'shar representative
>responded. "In fact, the Tal'shar have recently found out that Captain
>Marrissa Picard is dead.
Nine: Oh, I get the feeling that wouldn't stop Jay.
>And as for the Nova, I wouldn't worry about it. According to our
>information it is suffering from various malfunctions, and still lacks
Tom: "--cable."
>its accompaniment of fighters."
> "Can you confirm the links of those ships to
Crow: "--the Cindy Crawford Home Page?"
>Captain Picard and her Chief Engineer?" Admiral Tistek asked. "I don't
>doubt that it's a facade,
Tom: You can just hear Ratliff thinking "fa-kaid" as he typed that, can't
you?
>but I want to know how clever a one it is."
> "The Enterprise is the flagship, and as such delivered the Fleet
>Admiral, her father," the representative responded. "The Defiant delivered
>the crew of Deep Space Nine which was briefly under Marrissa's Command.
Mike: "--until the cast went on strike in protest."
>The Stargazer was the ship where Captain Picard served as second officer.
>The Gorkon delivered the Klingon contingent, which Captain Picard had
>served as
Crow: --a lovely appetizer!
>the Arbitrator of succession. The Pasteur is Marrissa's step-mother's ship.
>And the Clinton is under the command of her step-sister-in-law. The Nova
Tom: "--is under the command of her mother's stepbrother's adoptive niece's
nephew's first-cousin-once-removed-in-law's former roommate!"
>has the Chief Engineers father on it serving as Chief Engineer."
> "Very neatly done," Tistek replied. "The most powerful ships
>and the most respected Captains in the Federation, all gathered in one
>place, ready to invade.
Crow: Ah, yes, the ever-popular one-pronged invasion.
>Admiral Picard must be working overtime."
> Moving toward the center of the bridge, he ordered, "All ships
>prepare to cross the zone. Yellow alert."
> The Romulan warbirds moved into formation. At the signal they
>began moving forward. Moments later, they cloaked.
Nine: Meanwhile, Jay and Marrissa began their honeymoon. Moments later,
they uncloaked.
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[Continued in Part 7]