MiSTed: Ratliff's "Premier Ma[r]qui{s}" (4/4)
Loren Haarsma
====================== Part 4/4 =====================================
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>>
>> From: srat...@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
>> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>> Subject: NEW DS9 Premier Maquis pt 10
>> Date: 5 Nov 1996 14:45:14 GMT
[Mike and bots enter theater.]
>> Organization: Radford University
>> Lines: 175
>> Message-ID: <55njtq$9...@newslink.runet.edu>
>> NNTP-Posting-Host: rucs2-gw.runet.edu
>> X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0]
>>
MIKE: You know, guys, you're not supposed to be *helping* the Mads
inflict evil on the world....
BOTS: [unison] Sorry!
>>
>> Star Trek : DS9
>> Premier Maquis
>> A Marrissa Story, Stargazer Mission
>> by Stephen Ratliff
MIKE: ... I liked the prison-break idea, though.
>> part 10
>> parts serialized weekly.
>> previous parts and other Marrissa Stories avialable at:
>> http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/works/stories.html
>>
>> Chapter Nine
>>
>> Captain Benjamin Sisko rang the bell,
CROW: [as Sisko as Quasimodo] Sanctuary! Sanctuary!
>> calling the court-martial
>> to order. On his right sat Doctor Julian Bashir, his left, Lieutenant
>> Sam Lavelle. At the persecutors table
MIKE: No wonder Ro has a persecution complex! They renamed the
prosecutor's table just for her!
>> sat Lieutenant Commander Worf.
>> The defendant, Ro Laren sat at the defense's table, not in uniform.
CROW: [as Sisko] I will not have tables out of uniform in my courtroom!
>> Lieutenant Commander Marrissa Picard sat beside her, a smile crossing
>> her face as Sisko asked. "Mister Worf, would you please read the
>> charges?"
TOM: [as Worf] Visa or MasterCard?
MIKE: [as Spanish Inquisitor] You are accused of heresy on *three*
counts... no, *four* counts... look, I'll come in again.
>> "Ro Laren, Lieutenant, last assignment, CONN Officer, USS
>> Enterprise,
CROW: Ro Laren *is* Mr. B Natural!
>> is charged with sabotaging a mission, five counts of
>> attacking a Federation Starship, one count of attempted take over of a
>> Star Fleet vessel,
MIKE: One count of appearing in a crappy fanfic....
>> and going absent without leave," Worf read.
TOM: [as Worf] Oh, and she left the cap off the toothpaste.
>> "Defense, do you accept the charges?" Sisko asked.
>> "No, I do not" Marrissa replied.
CROW: [as Marrissa] The prosecution didn't use 1-800-COLLECT!
>> Lieutenants Lavelle and
>> Bashir's mouths dropped. Sisko was taken back as well.
MIKE: You take that Sisko right back!
TOM: [as Sisko] Wow, this takes me back to the days of my youth,
when I watched other fourteen-year old girls do equally stupid
things....
>> "All the
>> charges after Stardate 47897, are not in the jurisdiction of this
>> court."
>> "I'm afraid I must disagree, Miss Picard," Sisko responded.
>> Before Sisko could get in his pronouncement, Marrissa continued,
MIKE: [as Marrissa] Listen, just because you're in charge of this
courtroom, don't think that I can't interrupt you whenever I damn
well please!
>> "A Starfleet court-martial can only try someone on events happening
>> while they are in Starfleet. Ro Laren was not in Starfleet after that
>> STARDATE."
CROW: [as Marrissa] You see, Your Honor, Ro Laren is *really* an elf
who escaped from the slave labor sampo factories on Omicron
Theta IX. This means she is ineligible to be a member of
Starfleet, and therefore cannot be tried by this court!
TOM: [as Gusat] Makes sense.
>> "Mister Worf, can you counter that?" Sisko asked.
>> "I ask for a recess," Worf replied, frustrated.
MIKE: [as Worf] I want to go play on the jungle gym!
>> "One hour recess granted," Sisko responded, hitting the bell.
TOM: And that's the end of Round 1!
>>
>> An hour later, Sisko reconvened the court. "Mister Worf, your
>> counter please," he asked.
MIKE: [as Worf] My counter was too heavy, but I did bring a coffee
table.
>> "I regret that I must agree with Lieutenant Commander Picard,"
>> Worf responded. "Ro Laren's commanding officer at the time, now Rear
>> Admiral Jean-Luc Picard has supported that statement." Then muttering he
>> sat down.
CROW: [as Worf, muttering] ... senile old fart.
>> "I suspect Marrissa got to him first."
TOM: [sarcastically] Well, if the *great Jean-Luc Picard* feels that
way about it, then I guess there's just *no possible reason* to
look into this pivotal issue any further, right?
>> "What was that Worf?" Doctor Bashir asked.
MIKE: What Worf?
TOM: Where Worf?
CROW: [as Marty Feldman] There.... There Worf. There castle....
MIKE: Good one, Crow!
CROW: Thank you, thank you very much. I'll be here all week.
>> "Nothing Doctor," Worf replied.
TOM: Sure, major violations of ABA Disciplinary Rules, nothing at
all....
>> "That leaves the charge of abandoning a mission,
MIKE: ... with a little note pinned to its blanket saying, "Kringle."
>> sabotaging it
>> as a result," Captain Sisko stated. "Mr. Worf, call your witness."
>> "I call Captain William T. Riker, commanding the starship
>> Enterprise," Worf called.
CROW: Even in a text-based fanfic, you can just see ol' Riker swagger
in after that introduction.
>> "Aren't you lucky that he was vacationing here," Marrissa
>> commented as Riker entered.
MIKE: [as Sisko] Counsel will please keep her snotty comments to herself.
TOM: I think she means, "Aren't you lucky that I haven't had a chance
to tamper with *all* the material witnesses yet?"
>> "Luck had nothing to do with it," Riker said as he sat down.
CROW: [as Riker] It was a plot device, plain and simple!
>> Worf began his question, "Captain, on Stardate 47865, you were
>> serving as first officer of the Enterprise NCC-1701-D, where you not?"
TOM: [as Riker] Uh, Your Honor? I don't mean to tell you your job
here, but shouldn't I have been sworn in by now?
>> "Yes, that is the position I held," Captain Riker stated.
MIKE: [as Riker] I also directed a few episodes which received very
favorable reviews....
>> "Beginning on that STARDATE Ro Laren began a undercover mission
>> to flush out Maquis, correct?" Worf questioned.
>> "I was so informed," Riker responded.
TOM: [George Bush voice] I was out of the loop!
>> "Five days later you joined her as her 'brother,' correct?"
>> "Yes."
>> "Please tell me what happened during the next couple of days."
CROW: [as Riker] Well, first I woke up, kicked my date for the evening
out of bed, brushed my teeth....
>> "The Maquis had been fed information that the Cardassians were
>> trying to construct a biogentic weapon, and that the components of that
>> weapon were on a convoy passing near the DMZ. Ro had convinced the
>> Maquis that taking the convoy would be a good idea.
MIKE: [falsetto] It's, like, vital to our survival and stuff.
>> The Enterprise and
>> several other starships were hidden in a nearby nebula.
TOM: Man, they've got a lot of conveniently placed nebulas in Star Trek!
>> Just before the
>> Maquis raiders were to leave the DMZ, Ro scanned the nebula revealing
>> the Star Fleet vessels. The Maquis did not leave the zone. She gave me
>> a message for the Captain and beamed off."
>> "And what was that message."
MIKE: [as Riker] Something about, "Neener neener neener!"
>> "I'm afraid that I don't recall it."
TOM: [as Riker] My dog ate it.
MIKE: [as Riker] And I'm afraid that you won't be able to find out
anything about it by introducing the written report that I gave
the captain into evidence.
>> "Thank you, Captain," Worf responded. "Your witness, Marrissa."
CROW: [as Sisko] Yeah, I know it's a court-martial, but we're really
pretty loose about it. We're all on a first-name basis and
everything!
>> "Captain Riker, why did then Captain Picard send you to join
>> Ro?" Marrissa asked, standing up and walking over to Riker.
>> "He believed that Ro might not be able to complete the mission,"
>> Riker responded.
>> "So the Captain knew that Ro might not be able to complete the
>> mission,
TOM: [as Inspector Cluseau] Zat is vhat I have ben zaying!
>> yet left her on the mission," Marrissa stated. "Tell me
>> Captain, about how far back in your opinion did this concern go?"
CROW: [as Riker] Back into the very deepest, darkest recesses of my
opinion.
TOM: I'm going about prepositional phrases misplaced for days have
nightmares to come.
MIKE: [looks at Tom for a few moments, but doesn't say anything]
>> "In my opinion, Captain Picard
CROW: [as Riker] ... is bald.
>> did not want her on this mission
>> in the first place," Riker said.
>> "So Ro was sent on a mission, which her Commanding Officer did
>> not think she could complete, and she did not.
TOM: [as Terry Jones] Look, are you insinuating something?
CROW: [as Eric Idle] Oh no, no, nononononononono ... yes!
>> Tell me Captain, why
>> then was she sent on that mission?"
MIKE: [as Riker] The network wanted another "Maquis" episode. They
thought they should feed some unfinished storylines into "Deep
Space Nine," which was just about to premiere, to help boost its
ratings.
TOM: [as Sisko] The court rejects that line of reasoning.
>> "Admiral Carstairs gave the order," Riker remarked.
>> "Admiral Carstairs, wasn't he the one who as a starship Captain
>> put Ro up before another court-martial."
>> "Yes."
MIKE: Just call her "Marrissa Amber Johnnie Flores Picard Cochrane."
CROW: [Cochrane voice] With rhyme and "race," I'll win this case!
>> "No further questions," Marrissa said quickly returning to her
>> seat.
>> "You may step down," Sisko said. "Lieutenant Commander Picard,
>> you will refrain from making any more insinuations on people not here to
>> defend themselves."
TOM: Attaboy, Sisko! Come on, slap her with contempt of court! You
know you want to!
>> "When did I do that?" Marrissa smiled, innocently.
MIKE: [as Sisko] Computer, play back the defense counsel's last question
to Captain Riker so that she will know why she is being sent to
the brig.
>> "You know darn well," Sisko responded. "Your next witness,
>> Worf."
>> "The prosecution rests," Worf replied.
TOM: ... the HELL?! Worf hasn't even established a prima facie case yet,
and he rests! He hasn't even submitted any evidence related to the
actual charges at hand! Marrissa can just rest her case right now,
and Ro goes scot free!
CROW: Mike, is this Ratliff portraying Worf as stupid, or Ratliff
stupidly portraying Worf, or Ratliff just being plain stupid?
MIKE: Too soon to tell.
TOM: Meanwhile, Sisko seems to have about as much control over his
courtroom as Lance Ito....
>> Sisko raised an eyebrow.
>> "Lieutenant Commander Picard, call your first witness please."
>> "I call Ro Laren," Marrissa stated. Ro stood up, walked up to
>> the witness chair and sat down.
CROW: Wow, that was even more exciting than the stair-climbing sequences.
>> "Ro, Captain Riker stated that my
>> father, Jean-Luc Picard,
MIKE: [as Marrissa] ...a relationship about which I am so insecure that
I keep mentioning it at irrelevant times....
>> was worried about your ability to complete the
>> mission from the beginning. How did you feel about the mission."
>> "Objection," Worf interrupted. "Feelings are not relevant."
MIKE: [as Borg] This court will be assimilated.
>> "Overruled. Ro's feelings about this mission are very much a
>> part of this case. Go ahead."
TOM: Since when?! Did this suddenly turn into a psychiatric evaluation
when I wasn't looking?
>> Ro drew in a deep breath and began, "Well at first I just
>> thought
TOM: [as Ro] ... how nice it was that the writers put me in another
episode. I was starting to think they had forgotten about me.
>> it was another mission. Then after my cover was set, something
>> familiar hit. The role I was acting was like
TOM: [as Ro] ... in those soap operas when they intend to write a
character out of the series altogether!
>> the time I spent in the
>> Bajoran Resistance. I began to feel like a Cardassian plant.
CROW: Leafy, green and photosynthetic.
>> Eventually I got over it.
MIKE: [as Ro] My feelings are pretty shallow that way.
TOM: [as John Cleese] I got better....
>> But as I got to know the people, the feeling
>> returned. When the Cardassians attacked the town where I was living, I
>> defended myself.
CROW: [as Ro] Not the town, mind you, just myself.
>> In the fire fight, the leader of the cell, who I had
>> grown close to died. Suddenly everything had changed. I wasn't a Star
>> Fleet Officer looking at people who were disobeying the law.
TOM: [falsetto] I was Celestria, Queen of the Galaxy!
>> I was one
>> of them. I had felt and shared their loss.
TOM: [as Clinton] I feel your pain.
>> I was apart of them. I
>> also discovered that I was his chosen successor. I did not want to let
>> them down, but I also didn't want to let Captain Picard down."
>> "That's when then Commander Riker joined you," Marrissa
>> prompted.
>> "Yes, I have to admit I was resentful of the Commander being
>> added. It was as if Captain Picard didn't trust me.
ALL: ... because he *didn't*!
>> On top of that,
>> the plan to capture the Maquis who had become my friends had me
>> doubting my loyalties as well."
>> "What made you decide to resign and protect your new friends?"
TOM: [as Number Two] Number Six, why did you resign?!
>> "I think it was that friendship ... During the time I was in
>> Star Fleet, I never developed many friends.
CROW: [as Ro] They always used to laugh and call me names. They never
let me join in any Starfleet games.
>> When I served under
>> Captain Carstairs on the Challenger, I was on the fast track,
MIKE: [as Ro] All those medals and promotions were a real hardship.
>> and not
>> many people were willing to associate with a Bajoran.
CROW: They bring down the property values, you know.
TOM: Yup.
>> At the time our
>> home world was still occupied by the Cardassians and we were seen as
>> little more than stray dogs.
MIKE: Bad Bajoran! Go home!
>> Then I was court-martialed for disobeying
CROW: ... the leash laws. I tell you, that was the last straw!
>> orders that I couldn't obey in good conscience. When I was assigned to
>> the Enterprise, the shadow of that court-martial followed me around. I
>> still didn't get many friends, with the exception of Guinan, hostess in
>> Ten-Forward.
TOM: ... and several of her hats.
>> I never felt like I belonged.
MIKE: [as Morrissey] Did I mention that I cried?
>> The Maquis, after I passed
>> though there initial suspicions, made me feel like I belonged."
CROW: [announcer voice] We've secretly replaced this Starfleet
court-martial with the plot line from "I Accuse My Parents."
Will these Starfleet officers be able to tell the difference?
Let's watch....
>> "One last question," Marrissa asked. "Knowing what you know
>> now, would you have taken that mission?"
>> "No,
MIKE: [as Ro] When they wrote me out of the series, they told me I
could have a recurring role on the new DS9 series, but that never
happened.
>> I didn't have the loyalty and ties to Star Fleet that it
>> takes to go undercover," Ro replied. "I didn't know that then, but I do
>> now."
TOM: [as Ro] I couldn't *handle* the truth!
>> "Your witness, Worf," Marrissa concluded.
>> "You stated that you were beginning to doubt yourself way before
>> you resigned," Worf recapped. "Why didn't you ask to be pulled off the
>> mission?"
MIKE: ... because the episode would have under-run?
TOM: [as Worf] Sorry, Your Honor. I meant to ask something relevant,
like: "Did you or did you not desert Starfleet and give your
services over to an enemy agency?"
>> "I felt that I could push myself though the doubts," Ro
>> responded. "And I didn't want to let Captain Picard down."
>> "An honorable intention," Worf replied. "But you still let him
>> down. You disobeyed orders, abandoned your post, betrayed your fellow
>> officers..."
TOM: [as Worf] But since you explained how you felt about it, I guess
we can drop the charges. Just don't let it happen again!
>> "Objection, badgering the witness," Marrissa interrupted.
>> "Sustained," Sisko rang. "The prosecution will refrain from
>> resighting a list of the offenses the defendant is on trail for."
MIKE: Well, sure, I can see how talking about the crimes Ro is accused
of committing would be totally irrelevant --- huh?
TOM: I'm continually amazed how many ways Ratliff can misspell even
*with* a working spellchecker.
CROW: Not to mention Eugen Woiwod, who should probably keep his day job.
>> "No further questions," Worf concluded. A shaken Ro descended
>> from the stand.
TOM: My God, Pauly Shore would make a better prosecutor than Worf!
>> "The Defense would like to enter into the record, the
>> defendant's last Commanding Officer's recommendations and comments,"
>> Marrissa asked.
CROW: [as Marrissa] See? My dad says it's okay, so you *have* to let
her go!
>> "Does the Prosecution have any objections?" Sisko asked.
MIKE: [as Sisko] Oops, I meant to say *Persecution* there....
>> "No, your honor," Worf replied.
>> "So entered," Sisko stated.
>> "The Defense rests," Marrissa stated.
>> "Then we will call it a day," Sisko responded.
CROW: That day lasted 20 minutes, tops.
MIKE: Starfleet sure overworks its officers.
TOM: Yes, ladies and gentlemen, after an *exhaustive* investigation
into *all* the relevant issues, the court stands adjourned. Sad,
really.
>> "Tomorrow we
>> will hear your closing statements."
MIKE: ... right after these commercial messages.
>>
>> --
>> Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University.
>> srat...@runet.edu Marrissa Stories Author
>> homepage: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/
>> FAQ Maintainer for alt.startrek.creative FAQs/
>> Index Maintainer as well index/
>> http://aviary.share.net/~alara/
>>
>> "You know, it's attitudes like that which keep yoy people from getting
>> invited to all the really good parties
>> -Quark "Looking for Par'Mach in All the Wrong Places"
TOM: Hey! The Yoy are a proud people with a rich cultural background,
and I will *not* have them maligned!
>>
>> From: srat...@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
>> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>> Subject: NEW Premier Maquis part 11
>> Date: 12 Nov 1996 15:41:09 GMT
>> Organization: Radford University
>> Lines: 128
>> Message-ID: <56a5ql$8...@newslink.runet.edu>
>> NNTP-Posting-Host: ruacad-gw.runet.edu
CROW: I'm starting to enjoy these headers --- as a break from the story.
>> X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0]
>>
>>
>> Premier Maquis
>> by Stephen Ratliff
>> A Marrissa Story, Stargazer Mission
>> part 11
>> story serialized weekly.
>>
>> Feedback Requested. MSTers accepted.
TOM: Those looking for plausibility and gripping dialogue need not apply.
>>
>> Chapter Ten
>>
>> Jay Gordon was admiring Marrissa's Quarters. He liked
>> Marrissa's taste.
MIKE: I'll bet she tastes like strawberries.
TOM: Eeewwwwwwww!
CROW: Mike, that was wrong!
MIKE: I know. I'm so ashamed.
>> The soft green drapes hugged the windows, benefiting
>> from the saucer design of the remodeled ship. Jay noticed the painting
>> of Marrissa, himself, Clara, Alexander, and Shayna coming out of the
>> woods of DOAllen.
TOM: Their friends had left them there days ago after playing the
cruel tripe-hunting prank.
>> "Data's work?" he inquired.
>> "Yes, he gave it to me as a gift when I left the Enterprise,"
CROW: [as Marrissa] He said I could have it as long as I promised never
to come back.
>> Marrissa confirmed offering Jay his favorite drink, root beer.
MIKE: Candy is dandy, but liquor is off-limits to Ratliff's command
staff.
>> "I don't think he got Shayna's hair right," Jay remarked,
>> accepting the drink.
>> "I'll tell him," Marrissa responded.
TOM: [as Marrissa] And then I'll have him killed.
CROW: [as Marrissa] Anything for another chance to humiliate a
superior officer....
>> "He'll undoubtedly endeavor to be more observant," Jay smiled.
>> "So how is your case going?"
>> "I'm not sure," Marrissa replied.
TOM: [as Marrissa] I'll win, of course, but I've had remarkably few
chances so far to recite my list of titles and accomplishments or
my Kobayashi Maru time.
>> "The charge reduction idea
>> worked,
TOM: [as Marrissa] Smaller Visa bills really *do* reduce my interest
payments.
>> but like you said, that was a fairly easy maneuver. Riker's
>> testimony went well, but I'm afraid that there are too many holes in the
ALL: Plot!
>> favorable part of his testimony. I hope Worf missed them."
>> "Considering some of the things Worf missed in the past, you
>> have nothing to fear," Jay encouraged.
MIKE: [as Worf] I *heard* that.
CROW: [as Jay] Eeeeep!
>> "You may be right," Marrissa said, not quite sure.
TOM: [as Marrissa] If not, I can always beat Worf up again, like I did
when I was 12....
>> "But I still
>> have to get through the closing statements."
>> "You will, Risa," Jay responded, trying to get a reaction.
>> "Jay Alan Gordon," Marrissa suddenly perked up,
CROW: I think Ratliff is confusing perkiness with psychotic mania.
>> "How many times
>> do I have to tell you not to call me that?"
TOM: [as Jay, excited] Oh yes, Marrissa. I'm being *very* bad. I
think you're going to have to punish me.
>> "Oh, some number around infinity," Jay smiled. "So are you
>> willing to hear my suggestions, your highness."
>> "Yes, but drop the titles, sir knight," Marrissa replied,
>> somewhat peeved
CROW: I think Ratliff is confusing peevishness with....
MIKE: We *know*.
>> after Jay's jabs. "Or I'll spend some time giving your
>> little sister some new ways to drive you nuts."
TOM: Chinese water torture, long-term solitary confinement, forced
reading of all the Stephen Ratliff stories in one sitting....
>> "Please, not Jacquelynn."
MIKE: The Day of the Jacquelynn.
>>
>> Once again, the court-martial assembled in Deep Space Nine's
>> Observation Lounge.
CROW: ... or observed in DS9's Assembled Lounge.
MIKE: I think you've done that joke enough now, Crow!
>> Commander Sisko rang the bell, calling the court to
>> order.
CROW: [as doorman from Wizard of Oz] Who rang that bell?!
>> "Commander Worf, your closing statement please."
TOM: [as Worf] She's guilty. I'm finished.
>>
>> "Lieutenant Ro Laren is charged with disobeying orders,
>> sabotaging a mission, and defecting," Worf said, beginning to pace in
>> front of the judges.
CROW: [as Worf, muttering] I don't know if I can hold it until recess;
I really gotta go....
>> "She deliberately did so, with full knowledge of
>> the consequences of her actions. She has shown a remarkable willingness
>> to
MIKE: ... sulk moodily in strange body postures.
>> explain her actions, but that does not change the fact that she did
>> the deeds. Ro Laren has shown disregard for orders in the past, which
>> is a matter of her record. She does not protest the events which lead
>> to this trial. As such she should be found guilty."
TOM: [as Worf] Granted, I haven't given you one shred of evidence to
*prove* that she did these things, but take my word for it, OK?
I gotta get outta here on the last shuttle, so let's hurry this up.
Riker and I have a movie to shoot.
>> "Miss Picard, your closing," Sisko prompted after Worf sat down.
MIKE: Ladies and gentlemen, Jim Henson's Perry Mason Babies.
>>
>> "Thank you Captain," Marrissa responded, standing up to address
>> the judges.
>> "It's an interesting situation we have here.
MIKE: In *this* story? You're kidding, right?
>> Star Fleet
>> Command wanted Ro to be tried for the events which lead to her
>> resignation. Meanwhile outside these doors, reporters await our
>> results, questioning what effect this will have on Maquis Independence.
CROW: [as Marrissa] Just my usual entourage of 60 or 70 reporters.
Pay them no mind.
TOM: [as Marrissa] We *should* be letting the *media* try this case!
>>
>> "In any case, you must judge Ro. It can not be an easy task.
>> Star Fleet has always held that if you can't carry out your duties, in
>> good conscience, you should resign. Ro tried to carry out her duties,
>> and resigned when she could not do so in good conscience.
TOM: Show me the regulation that says that pointing a phaser at a
superior officer and beaming away is a valid way to "resign."
CROW: [as Ro] I resign. Now don't make me shoot you!
>> Ro is now
>> being tried for doing what her conscience told her, which is an ideal
>> which Star Fleet holds dear.
MIKE: So if your conscience tells you to commit a crime, it's okay. "Star
Trek" suddenly makes a lot more sense now!
>> In any case, the facts of the case are as
>> Worf stated them. Ro did commit those deeds.
>> "The question is
TOM: Why is a courtroom scene with less drama than a quilting bee
the entire second half of this story?
MIKE: Well, they did the same thing on TNG more than once.
CROW: On TOS, they knew how to end these courtroom episodes with a
decent fist fight *and* the ship in peril....
>> not if, or even why she did so. She did, and
>> we have heard her reasons, which undoubtedly were the result of much
>> soul searching
CROW: [as announcer] Tonight on "Soul Search" --- a friendless Bajoran
Star Fleet lieutenant sings selections from Tina Turner's latest
album!
TOM: That soul searching and those reasons *might* be worth one or two
years off of her sentence, but I doubt it.
>> on her part. No, the question is, is this the right place
>> to try her.
MIKE: Then hand her over to the *Federation's* criminal justice system!
I'm sure they'd *LOVE* to have a shot at putting her away for good.
>> She was not a member of Star Fleet at the time.
TOM: Sorry, Ratliff. Repeating this idea won't make it any more
believable!
>> She
>> submitted her resignation, due to orders she could not obey in good
>> conscience. This is in the tradition of Star Fleet. Other officers
>> have done so in the past, they were not tried by Star Fleet.
TOM: Ah yes ... the grand old Starfleet tradition of pointing a phaser
at a superior officer and beaming to an enemy ship! How could you
*possibly* punish Ro for that?
>> In fact
>> many of them later returned to Star Fleet and were welcomed with open
>> arms.
MIKE: Well, here's our little fugitive! Welcome back! We've got a nice
little cell all ready for you!
>> "Gentlemen, remember that tradition while you deliberate,"
>> Marrissa concluded. She returned to her seat and sat down with a sigh
>> of relief.
CROW: Well, *that* oughta send her up the river!
>> "This court is now in recess," Captain Sisko stated. "We will
>> reassemble when a judgment has been made."
MIKE: [as Sisko] We need about five minutes for a cup of tea. Dr. Bashir,
is the hanging rope ready?
>>
>> "Glinn, do you know how to play poker?"
CROW: [as Gusat] Poke who?
>> It was an innocent
>> question coming from the ship's Chief of Operations, Assist Glinn Duvek.
>> The two had been eating lunch in the ship's mess on deck six
CROW: It's not *my* mess. You clean it up!
MIKE: Old joke.
>> above seven
>> slightly starboard. It was a meal that the two had made a point of
>> having together since they had served together under Gul Ducat.
>> "You mean the human game that Picard and her circle
TOM: ... of junior Khan Noonian Singhs....
>> were playing
>> last night," Gusat asked. Duvek nodded. "I've watched them play a
>> couple of times, and I know the rules, what's good to hold and what's
>> bad, but I've never played it."
CROW: [as Gusat] But I still don't understand why they were removing
clothing as they played.
>> "Some of us would like to learn the game well enough to
>> challenge the Commander's circle," Duvek replied.
>> "A worthy ambition, if not difficult," Gusat commented. "Just
>> who is 'some of us.'"
>> "Myself, Assist Guvek, Assist Dar Ekat, and Dar Dukat," Duvek
>> informed.
CROW: Better wipe off the screen after that sentence.
[Mike stands up and squeegees the screen.]
>> "Good," Gusat replied.
>> "You expected a problem?" Duvek asked, judging Gusat's tone from
>> his long friendship.
>> "Frankly, yes," Gusat responded. "If you had mentioned Assist
>> Dar Davek, I would have suspected an ulterior motive."
MIKE: [as Gusat] He's the one who kills people when he loses at cards,
right?
>> "You mean the noble Orange Wing Commander who got in a fight
>> with a Star Fleet Engineer last night
TOM: HiKeevek!
>> and is residing in Guvek's brig,"
>> Duvek remarked. "You will have Gavek's recommendation, along with
>> Commander Picard's, on your desk after lunch. It seems that he isn't
>> doing any better as a wing commander than he is at integrating himself
>> into a mixed crew."
CROW: I'm having trouble keeping track of names here. I can't tell who's
a new character and who's just misspelled!
>> "So I can expect a rather poor recommendation on Davek?" Gusat
>> inquired.
MIKE: [as Duvek] You mean the kind of recommendation that puts a huge
black spot on a Cardassian officer's career and follows him around
for the rest of his life?
TOM: Huh?
MIKE: Just following along with the pattern....
>> "Scathing might be more like it," Duvek responded.
CROW: And what the heck does this have to do with *anything* else in
the story?
>> Then as
>> Gusat's left eye ridge rose in inquiry, he continued. "Guvek asked me
>> to proofread his report for him."
>> "Has he found the spell check function yet?" Gusat asked.
>> "I think so, and the thesaurus as well," Duvek replied.
CROW: [as Duvek] But despite all that, he *still* writes like Ratliff!
MIKE: I get the feeling that Ratliff set that situation up *just* so we
could knock it down, don't you?
TOM: Yeah. Strange.
>>
>> --
>> Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University.
>> srat...@runet.edu Marrissa Stories Author
>> homepage: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/
>> FAQ Maintainer for alt.startrek.creative FAQs/
>> Index Maintainer as well index/
>> http://aviary.share.net/~alara/
>>
>> "You know, it's attitudes like that which keep yoy people from getting
>> invited to all the really good parties
>> -Quark "Looking for Par'Mach in All the Wrong Places"
TOM: [singing] Looking for Par'Mach in too many faces....
MIKE: Too easy.
>>
>>
>> From: srat...@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
>> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>> Subject: New DS9 Premier Maquis pt 12
>> Date: 19 Nov 1996 15:37:22 GMT
>> Organization: Radford University
>> Lines: 108
>> Message-ID: <56sk7i$6...@newslink.runet.edu>
>> NNTP-Posting-Host: rucs2-gw.runet.edu
>> X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0]
>>
>>
>>
>> Title: Premier Maquis
>> Author: Stephen Ratliff (srat...@runet.edu)
>> Series: DS9, Marrissa Stories, Stargazer Missions
>> Summery:
TOM: Today's fanfic installment will be warm and summery, with
occasional blasts of hot air from the author.
>> The Marqui declare Independence and try to steal some starships.
>> Marrissa and the USS Stargazer try to stop them
MIKE: Audience tries to keep from clawing out their own eyeballs.
>>
>> part 12 of 13, serialized weekly
CROW: I think Ratliff misspelled "weakly" there....
>> parts available at: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/works/stories.html
>> Comments requested.
>>
>> This Story is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and
>> incidents are either a product of the author's imagination or are used
>> fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons,
>> living or dead, is entirely coincidental
>>
>> Star Trek is property of Paramount Pictures, a ViaCom company.
>> The story is property of Stephen B. Ratliff, Copyright 1996.
>>
>> Notice (courtesy of Mark Twain's The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn)
>>
>> Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be
>> prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished;
>> persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot.
>> By order of the Author.
>>
>> Chapter Eleven
>>
>> The court room was silent as Captain Benjamin Sisko,
TOM: ... began his rendition of "My Way."
>> Doctor
>> Julian Bashir, and Lieutenant Samuel Lavelle filed in the room.
MIKE: After that, there was some data entry and dictation to be done.
>> Lieutenant Commander Worf sat, confident that he
CROW: ... physically resembled Perry Mason more than Marrissa did.
>> had made his case,
>> behind his table. Lieutenant Commander Marrissa Picard sat at the
>> defendant's table, not at all confident, in fact she was going through
>> all the flaws in her conduct of the case, real and imagined in her mind.
TOM: And boy does she have a *big* list of them to choose from!
MIKE: If only the author would follow Marrissa's example here....
>> Meanwhile the defendant sat passive, accepting her fate, what ever it
>> might be.
CROW: Sounds like a Bajoran resistance fighter to me, all right.
TOM: Yup.
>> "We find the defendant not guilty," Captain Benjamin Sisko
>> pronounced, to the astonishment of both counsels.
CROW: ... and absolutely *none* of the readers.
[MIKE stands up and throws various heavy objects at the screen]
MIKE: [screaming] Court martial Ben Sisko! No justice, no peace!!!
CROW: Uh, Mike? Are you okay?
MIKE: Huh? Oh yeah, I'm fine. I was just starting a riot.
CROW: What?
MIKE: You know ... inciting to violence, promoting anarchy. It's a
little tradition we have down on Earth in America whenever a
court verdict just screams "gross miscarriage of justice."
TOM: Mike, if I remember that tradition right, you can't participate in
it unless you're a minority and poor. Did you see any riots in
Beverly Hills after the O.J. verdict came out?
MIKE: [pauses] Yeah, I guess you're right....
[MIKE sits down]
>> Worf barely
>> restrained himself from using a Klingon cuss word.
TOM: A loose translation of the word would be: "May Stephen Ratliff be
commissioned to rewrite your nation's historical documents."
>> Marrissa was over
>> joyed at her success, in fact she was at a loss of words.
CROW: If only *that* moment could last....
>> "We believe
>> that her actions were guided by her conscience, which as Commander
>> Picard has pointed out is the best that Star Fleet expects.
MIKE: [as Sisko] Go in peace and continue your life of crime and
terrorism against the Federation, Ro. You have our blessing!
TOM: [as Ro] Great! And now, if you'll excuse me, my conscience
tells me that for the good of the Maquis, this space station
must be blown up.
>> Furthermore, we find that the mission she was sent on was ill
>> advised and should have been stopped before it started. As such we
>> believe that an acquittal is the only course we could have arrived at.
>> Court is adjourned"
TOM: Wait! What about handing her over to civilian authorities to try
her for smuggling and piracy and stuff! OK, so we know from prior
experience that the Federation is hopelessly screwed up about a lot
of things. But I'm reasonably confident that stealing starships,
gassing people, and blowing stuff up are *probably* still
considered crimes!
>>
>> Marrissa Picard and Ro Laren exited the courtroom together,
>> heading to the Promenade.
CROW: Or promenading to the.... You were right, Mike. I should have
quit after the last one.
>> The judgment of the court was just being
>> realized by Ro.
[ALL imitate sounds of reporters rushing to the scene.]
MIKE: [as reporter] Ms. Picard, is there any truth to the allegation
that the court-martial verdict was influenced by "Ratliff gas"?
CROW: [as reporter] Were the judges locked in a room and threatened
with violence until they came to a verdict that you approved of?
TOM: [as reporter] Ms. Ro Laren, now that you've won your case, what
crimes of conscience do you plan in the future?
>> "Commander, I believe I owe you dinner," Ro remarked.
>> "That's not necessary, Ro," Marrissa responded. "I was just
>> doing my job
CROW: [as Marrissa] ... and now I must move on, to free other traitors!
>> and most of my plans came from Jay anyway."
>> "Commander, plans can go wrong very quickly if you don't know
>> how to execute them and can't make up for holes in them," Ro replied.
TOM: Which you didn't, of course. But that didn't matter, since you'd
bought off the judge and prosecutor....
>> "Which you knew how to, so I do owe you."
>> From behind them, Odo's voice came, "One minute if you will,
>> Miss Ro."
MIKE: [as Columbo] ... Just one more thing....
>> "Certainly Constable," Ro responded. "What can I do for you?"
>> "Get off my station as soon as possible," Odo remarked gruffly.
TOM: [as Odo] No wait, that came out all wrong.... Ro, come with me
to the brig where you will await trial on charges from the
Federation civilian authorities...
>> "I'll be booking a passage to Bajor after dinner, Constable," Ro
>> responded. "You really should improve your menu in the brig. Its
>> almost cruel and unusual punishment."
MIKE: At least they don't make you read any Ratliff stories there.
>> "Talk to Quark, he has the contract," Odo said,
CROW: [as Odo] You may beat him senseless if you want.
>> turning around
>> to leave.
>> "What are you planning to do on Bajor?" Marrissa asked.
CROW: [as Ro] I'M GOING TO DISNEYLAND!!!
>> "There is an old opponent of mine who is rather high in the
>> religious orders," Ro responded. "I though I'd stop by and annoy her."
TOM: [as Ro] Who knows? Maybe I could hijack one of *her* ships!
MIKE: I just realized something. The only extracurricular hobby
Ratliff characters ever have is hanging around and annoying each
other!
CROW: Well, that's pretty much Ratliff's only hobby, too....
>> Behind them a thump was heard. Ro and Marrissa wheeled around. Odo was
>> lying on the floor, unconscience.
MIKE: Sorry, I just don't buy it. Odo is one of the most "conscienced"
people in the Star Trek universe.
>> "What in the world?" Marrissa exclaimed. Then she too was
>> knocked out.
ALL: WAHOOOO!!!!!!!
TOM: Now's your chance, whoever you are! One shot with a phaser set to
kill, that's all I'm asking! You've already assaulted a peace
officer. What have you got to lose?
>> Ro turned to the attacker and inquired, "Why did you do that?
>> I've been acquitted."
>> "Sorry sir," the gruff Maquis responded.
CROW: [as gruff Maquis] Duh, you wants I should stop hitting them now?
>> "Oh well, I assume an escape has been arranged?" Ro asked.
>> "This way."
MIKE: So let me get this straight.... Ratliff wasted major portions of
three chapters trying to set Ro free in the most ridiculous way
possible, when all along a much more believable way to achieve this
goal had been thought of and planned for?
TOM: Yup. Pretty much.
>>
>> A hour later, Marrissa woke up in the infirmary with a headache.
>> "What happened?" she asked, her hand going to her head.
TOM: [as Marrissa] Funny, I don't remember that dent being there
before.... By the way, who am I?
>> "Someone tried to use your head as an anvil," Doctor Bashir
>> responded.
CROW: [hopefully] They placed a red-hot piece of metal on it and
bashed it repeatedly with a 20-pound hammer?
MIKE: [as Bashir] It looked like fun. I'd like to try it myself, if
I may.
>> "Remind me to tell Odo that I'm not happy with his security,"
>> Marrissa remarked, sitting up.
TOM: [regal falsetto] We are displeased.
>> "I'm not happy with it either," Odo responded from a nearby bed.
>> "Doctor, can I leave now?"
>> "You both may go, but try not to get hurt again," Doctor Bashir
>> responded.
>> "Doctor, I'm in the Command Branch," Marrissa responded.
MIKE: [as Marrissa] Have I told you the stories of all my honors and
accomplishments and titles and stuff? And I'm a princess!
>> "We're
>> supposed to get hurt.
MIKE: I've been following your life story for some time now, Marrissa,
and it occurs to me that you've got some catching up to do in the
"getting hurt" part of life. I'd like to rectify that situation
if I ever get the chance....
TOM: I'd settle for just hurting the author.
>> That way we can disregard the Doctor's orders and
>> pull off some feat while the CMO is trying to get us to return to
>> Sickbay."
CROW: Tell that to the Szustakowski kids.
>> "That explains a lot," Doctor Bashir stated.
TOM: It explains that the Star Trek writers use the same lame plot
device to build suspense over and over and over.
>> "Oh, Lieutenant
>> Jay Gordon was here. He said that he would like to see you as soon as
>> you can."
MIKE: [as Marrissa] Tell him not tonight. I have a headache.
>>
>> --
>> Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University.
>> srat...@runet.edu Marrissa Stories Author
>> homepage: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/
>> FAQ Maintainer for alt.startrek.creative FAQs/
>> Index Maintainer as well index/
>> http://aviary.share.net/~alara/
>>
>> "You know, it's attitudes like that which keep yoy people from getting
>> invited to all the really good parties
>> -Quark "Looking for Par'Mach in All the Wrong Places"
>>
>>
>> From: srat...@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
>> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>> Subject: New DS9 Premier Maquis 13/13
CROW: All right! The beginning of the end!
MIKE: Huh? I don't see any giant crickets anywhere.
>> Date: 26 Nov 1996 14:34:07 GMT
>> Organization: Radford University
>> Lines: 97
>> Message-ID: <57ev4v$4...@newslink.runet.edu>
>> NNTP-Posting-Host: rucs2-gw.runet.edu
>> X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0]
>>
>>
>> Title: Premier Maquis
>> Author: Stephen Ratliff (srat...@runet.edu)
>> Series: DS9, Marrissa Stories, Stargazer Missions
>> Summery:
>> The Marqui declare Independence and try to steal some starships.
>> Marrissa and the USS Stargazer try to stop them
>>
>> This Story is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and
>> incidents are either a product of the author's imagination or are used
>> fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons,
>> living or dead, is entirely coincidental
MIKE: Thank God for that, and I mean that sincerely, from the bottom of
my heart!
>>
>> Star Trek is property of Paramount Pictures, a ViaCom company.
>> The story is property of Stephen B. Ratliff, Copyright 1996.
>>
>> Notice (courtesy of Mark Twain's The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn)
>>
>> Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be
>> prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished;
>> persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot.
>> By order of the Author.
>>
>> Epilogue
TOM: Star Trek --- The Quinn-Martin Generation.
>>
>> "So Jay, what's up?" Marrissa asked, as they finished their
>> dinner on the station's Promenade's Replimat.
TOM: [as Jay] Well, in space that's a little harder to define because
the normal frames of reference don't exist, so....
CROW: [as Marrissa] Shut up, Jay.
>> "Let's see, we've lost three of the four Intrepids in the DMZ,
>> two of Deep Space Nine's three runabouts, and several other merchant
>> ships are now Maquis," Jay recited.
TOM: [singing, a la "The 12 Days of Christmas"] Three of four
Intrepids,
CROW: [singing] Two of three runabouts,
MIKE: [singing] One Deep Space Nine,
ALL: [singing] And the merchant ships are now Maaaaaquiiiiiiiiiis!
>> "Has Congress or Star Fleet decided what to do
MIKE: [as Jay] Starfleet has decided to let them go. If they come
back, they're ours. If not, they never were.
>> about the Maquis
>> Declaration of Independence?" Marrissa asked. "I've been too busy with
>> Ro's trail to keep up."
CROW: [as Marrissa] Following footprints and broken twigs is hard work,
you know!
MIKE: [as Jay] Well, there was a massive seismic disturbance on Earth
caused by Thomas Jefferson spinning in his grave, but other than
that....
>> "Congress is still debating," Jay responded. "Star Fleet has
>> altered our patrol routes to the outside of the DMZ.
TOM: Why was Starfleet sending military vessels on patrol *inside* a
"demilitarized zone" in the first place!?
MIKE: I still say, Ratliff doesn't know what that phrase means.
>> Cardassian Central
>> Command is doing likewise."
>> "Sensible, but I'm sure you didn't invite me to dinner to
>> discuss politics," Marrissa stated.
CROW: [as Jay] You got me. Actually I wanted to discuss logical
positivism.
>> "No, to be honest, it's boring on the Independence," Jay
>> remarked. "As Chief of Operations, I'm now senior staff and their
>> aren't very many people who aren't nervous around me.
MIKE: [as Jay] And since I'm the favorite protege of Marrissa Picard,
there's no one who doesn't fear and loathe me.
>> And those that
>> aren't won't associate with me due to my age."
TOM: Yeah, sure, kid, whatever you say. But before jumping to
conclusions, I'd check out the pictures of "boring" and
"insufferable" in the dictionary....
>> "I know the feeling," Marrissa consoled.
MIKE: [as snooty supermodel] Don't hate me because I'm power-crazed,
psychotic, and superior to you in every way....
>> "At least you're a
>> little older than I was when I became Chief of Security on the
>> Enterprise."
>> "You at least had the support of your kid's crew and some good
>> friends," Jay maintained. "My first officer hasn't said any more than
>> 'yes sir, no sir' since I got promoted."
TOM: Wait a minute. Didn't he say earlier that his *dad* was the
ship's first officer?
MIKE: Tom, if I could clearly remember little details like that from a
story like this, I think I'd go crazy.
TOM: Electronic memory is a mixed blessing at best, Mike.
CROW: Hey, maybe he means the officer assigned directly under him.
MIKE: Well, I'm going out on a limb here, but *maybe* that officer was
resentful that a 15-year-old brat was promoted into a position which
he, by training and experience, should have been assigned?
>> "You do have a problem," Marrissa observed. "Well you know
>> where Clara and I are, if you
TOM: [as Marrissa] ... need someone killed.
>> feel the need to talk to some one.
>> Meanwhile, I can get used to a handsome young man taking me out to dinner
>> when we're both in port."
CROW: [as Marrissa] Do you know any?
>> Jay blushed.
TOM: Mike, does this sound even remotely like the way human teenagers
talk to each other when they like each other?
MIKE: Not that I recall.
TOM: I didn't think so.
>> "By the way, you said you were
>> going to the Academy in six months. How? After all you have to be 16
>> to be a Cadet."
TOM: Oh, now that's sensible thinking! You have to be 16 to attend
the Academy, but it's perfectly OK to be Grand Admiral and Empress
of Starfleet at 12!
MIKE: Give it a rest, Tom.
>> "Technically, Clara, Alex, and I won't be Cadets," Jay
>> responded. "We are
CROW: [as Jay] ... Superior Beings gracing the Academy with our presence.
>> officers going back for additional training."
>> "When did Alex get his Ensign's rank?" Marrissa asked.
>> "You didn't hear?" Jay remarked. "Star Fleet Diplomatic gave
>> him it after he stepped in at Higanus XXII."
CROW: [as Alexander] <Squish!> Eww! Was that Higanus XXII I just
stepped in?
>> "The Klingon planet in Federation space that had a brief civil
>> war?" Marrissa asked.
MIKE: [as Jay] When Klingons argue over "tastes great/less filling,"
they don't kid around.
>> "Yeah, the Federation sent a mediator with Worf as an advisor,"
>> Jay confirmed. "Alex came along with his father. After a bomb killed
>> the mediator and injured Worf he took over and got them to stop."
MIKE: [as Jay]: Luckily, Worf had brought along some pain sticks that
proved invaluable to the negotiation process....
TOM: Is someone keeping track of all these plot devices? They're all
starting to blur together....
>> "This has to be ironic," Marrissa remarked. "The kid from a
>> warrior race gets his rank by ending a war, while us humans get it by
>> going into battle."
>> "Hey, you knew he wasn't going to get it the way we did," Jay
>> responded.
TOM: [as Jay] I always thought he'd "get it" by being shot in the back
by his own crew.
>> "After all we all got tired of hearing that 'I don't want to
>> be a warrior' refrain."
MIKE: [as Marrissa] Hmph. Such a worthless little creature. Doesn't
he realize that killing is FUN?
CROW: [as Jay, mockingly] I don't wanna be a warrior! I don't wanna
taste my own blood! I don't wanna die in the mud on some alien
planet! Geez, what a baby....
>> "True, and he doesn't have the Engineering talent to follow
>> Clara," Marrissa remarked. "Did you hear that Shayna just got her
>> rank?"
TOM: Hey, Ratliff! Did you hear that nobody besides you *cares*?
CROW: It's less boring than an introduction sequence, but not by much....
>> "How did she manage that?" Jay asked. "She was the one I
>> thought was going to have to go through the Academy."
TOM: Don't try to lie to us like that, Stephen.
MIKE: Ah yes, the low point in any Kid's Crew member's career --- being
forced to go through ... THE ACADEMY!!! The *horror*!
>> "Sorry, you lost that bet. She followed Clara's footsteps,"
>> Marrissa responded. "She seems to be specializing in weaponry and
>> shields.
MIKE: [as Marrissa] And genocidal devices. It was my idea.
>> Her latest is in this month Daystrom Journal. 'Mechanics of
>> Shield Regeneration: A New Approach.' I don't understand a word of it."
TOM: [as Marrissa] So it must not be important.
>> "I told you that Clara and Shayna spend too much time together,"
>> Jay replied.
CROW: [as Jay] Admit I'm right! Admit I'm right!!!
>>
>> Here ends Premier Maquis.
TOM: Here rejoices Tom Servo.
MIKE: Here relaxes Mike Nelson.
CROW: Here vomits Crow T. Robot.
>> Next Stargazer Mission: Stargazer, Past and Present.
>> Next Marrissa Story: Falling Into Command
>> Next Revised Story: A Royal Wedding
TOM: I think he misspelled "reviled"....
>> --
>> Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University.
>> srat...@runet.edu Marrissa Stories Author
>> homepage: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/
>> FAQ Maintainer for alt.startrek.creative FAQs/
>> Index Maintainer as well index/
>> http://aviary.share.net/~alara/
[Mike and bots begin to leave theater.]
>>
>> "I won't sacrifice this ship and crew based on a ten-second conversation.
>> I need proof!" - Janeway ST:Voyager "Future's End" part 1.
>>
MIKE: [as Janeway] Preferably 150 proof!
[..1..]
[..2..]
[..3..]
[..4..]
[..5..]
[..6..]
[SOL control room]
[Gypsy is wearing a judge's wig. Crow is wearing a striped prisoner's
hat. Servo has eyeglasses on his dome and a small briefcase glued to
one hand.]
MIKE: The court of the Satellite of Love is now in session. The case
before the court is the Sentient Beings of the Satellite versus
Crow T. Robot. The honorable judge Gypsy presiding. All rise.
GYPSY: [regally] You may be seated. Bailiff, read the charges.
MIKE: [reading from paper] The defendant, the extremely naughty Crow
T. Robot...
CROW: Objection!
MIKE: ... is accused of not doing his chores yesterday, to wit, not
cleaning out the load pan bay like he was *clearly* ordered to
do. [Mike glares at Crow, then steps off camera.]
GYPSY: Prosecution, state your case.
TOM: [F. Lee Bailey voice] Thank you, your honor. May it please the
court, the case before the court today is an extremely typical
one....
CROW: Hey!
TOM: The facts of this case are not in dispute. The defendant, a
resident of this Satellite, did not clean out the load pan bay
yesterday.
Your honor, this task which society has imposed upon the defendant
is a fairly simple one which takes very little time (especially
for someone with working arms), and contributes greatly to the
safety and welfare of society and its members. In return, the
defendant receives shelter from the elements, his own room, a
steady supply of RAM chips and comic books...
CROW: Objection! Graphic novels!
GYPSY: Sustained.
TOM: *ahem* ...and nearly unlimited access to the internet and satellite
TV. This arrangement of society provides a sound basis for law which
is accepted by sentient beings throughout the galaxy, except for some
of the looniest of the Objectivists.
Moreover, this task was originally imposed upon the defendant
by his Creator, a fact which provides a basis for law universally
recognized by all major religions. We therefore ask this court to
find the defendant guilty as charged. The prosecution rests.
GYPSY: Thank you. Defense, state your case.
CROW: *ahem* ... I didn't feel like doing it.
GYPSY: I hereby rule in favor of the defendant. Case dismissed and
court adjourned.
TOM: [extremely agitated] WHAT!?!!? You've gotta be kidding! This was
an open and shut case! The defendant is obviously incredibly
guilty! It's a travesty of justice! You want the truth? This
whole COURTROOM is out of order!!! If it doesn't fit, don't
acquit!! Give a hoot! Don't pollute!!!
GYPSY: Sorry, Tom, I'm just reading what it says in the script.
CROW: Ha ha ha, I told those coppers they didn't have nothin' on me!
See ya around, counselor!
["Dragnet" closing music starts. Crow moves to center stage, Tom and
Gypsy move off camera. Mike hangs a cardboard sign with numbers on it
around Crow's neck. Spotlight on Crow.]
MAGIC VOICE: The story you have just heard is true. The names have
not been changed because there wouldn't be any point.
Although the defendant was found not guilty, he resolved to
live a better life and always do his chores on time from
now on.
CROW: WHAT?!
MAGIC VOICE: Sorry, Crow. That's what Mike's script says.
CROW: Hey! That wasn't in my script! I never agreed to this!
Get my agent on the phone!
[Final bars of "Dragnet" theme. Normal lighting returns. Everyone
moves back on camera and acts more relaxed, though clearly showing the
strain of surviving the fanfic. Mike removes the sign from Crow, the
glasses from Servo, and the wig from Gypsy.]
MIKE: Well guys, we got through another Ratliff. What is this, eleven
now?
TOM: You know, over the last few years, we've read a lot of fanfics,
and we've seen a lot of authors who technically write as bad,
or worse, than Ratliff.
CROW: Yeah, but today's experiment has taught us once again that
nothing, but *nothing*, can convey a deeply fundamental
sense of Absolute Wrongness, or cause lasting psychological trauma,
like a Ratliff ... except maybe "Night of the Next Generation."
MIKE: That's true. Still, there was one redeeming point in today's
story. One small gleam of sunlight in an otherwise monolithic
opus of pain and despair.
CROW: Cambot, roll the clip!
[Cambot flashes the following text on screen:]
>> "What in the world?" Marrissa exclaimed. Then she too was
>> knocked out.
>> [...]
>> "Someone tried to use your head as an anvil," Doctor Bashir
>> responded.
[Cambot switches back to Mike, Tom, and Crow. They sigh in unison,
and look much more relaxed and happy.]
MIKE: Again please, Cambot?
>> "What in the world?" Marrissa exclaimed. Then she too was
>> knocked out.
>> "Someone tried to use your head as an anvil," Doctor Bashir
>> responded.
[Mike, Tom, and Crow again sigh in unison.]
TOM: And one more time?
>> "What in the world?" Marrissa exclaimed. Then she too was
>> knocked out.
>> "Someone tried to use your head as an anvil," Doctor Bashir
>> responded.
[Again with the unison sighs and smiles.]
MIKE: Feel better, guys?
CROW: Nope.
TOM: Afraid not, Mike.
MIKE: Me neither. Oh, Dr. F. is calling. [taps Mads light]
[Deep 13]
Dr.F: So, you survived another one? Much as it may surprise you, I'm
glad.
[SOL]
ALL: *Really*?
[Deep 13]
Dr.F: Oh, don't get me wrong. One of these days I *will* find just the
right combination of movies and usenet posts to utterly crush your
spirits and annihilate your souls. But today, I needed to
calibrate your responses for a new experiment. Now that that's
done, I'm ready to launch ... Phase Two.
[SOL]
TOM: I hope that doesn't mean someone made a pre-quel to "Phase IV."
MIKE: ... a pre-quel to *what*?
[Deep 13]
Dr.F: Pay attention, boys, you're about to witness....
[Dr. F. is interrupted as three men suddenly appear in Deep 13 amidst
cheap sparkling special effects. They are dressed in identical Armani
suits and carrying identical doe skin leather briefcases. They also
wear ST:TNG communicators on their lapels.]
LAWYER 1: Dr. Clayton Forrester? We represent Paramount Studios. We
have a cease-and-desist order for all activities relating to
your theme park, a lawsuit for one billion dollars for
copyright and trademark infringement, and a lien on Deep 13
and all of its equipment.
[Lawyer 2 opens his briefcase and hands Dr. F. a sheaf of papers.]
[Dr. F. looks concerned for a moment, then smiles.]
Dr.F: [pleasantly] Friends, please... give me a chance to explain! The
Marrissa-Land project is the result of *much* soul-searching on my
part! I have made it my life-long ambition to spread madness and
evil wherever I can. Surely the creators of Star Trek (tm) would
not blame me for following the dictates of my conscience! Would
they? [an even bigger pleasant smile]
[Lawyers draw weapons which look like ST:TOS gun-type phasers.]
LAWYER 1: I'm sorry, but this is a legal matter and conscience just
doesn't enter into it. Now hand over all materials relating
to Marrissa-Land, and vacate these premises!
Dr.F: [laughs most unpleasantly] You're not the only one with nifty
gadgets, you know. Do you think that your Masters are the
only ones with a legal department? Did you really think my
associates would leave me helpless? [more evil laughter] Now,
watch and learn!
[Dr. F. picks up a large Plexiglas container from behind his console, and
puts it on the floor. The container holds three large rats, a water
bottle, wood chips and a dish of food pellets. He takes the cover off
the container and picks up a cheap-looking wand with a tin-foil-covered
star on the end. He waves it at the rats.]
Dr.F: BIPPITY BOPPITY BOO!
[There is a shower of sparks and a puff of smoke. When the smoke clears,
the container and its contents are gone. In their place are three men
dressed identically to the Paramount lawyers, with identical briefcases.
The difference is that, instead of communicator pins, they have Mickey
Mouse ears on their heads.]
Dr.F: GET 'EM!
[Before any shots can be fired, the three newcomers growl and leap
upon the Paramount lawyers. Massive scuffling ensues. Throughout
the struggle, they variously shout, "COUNTER-SUIT!" "PROMISSORY
ESTOPPEL!" "COMPENSATORY AND PUNITIVE DAMAGES!" "RESTRAINING ORDER!"
"VESTED REMAINDER SUBJECT TO OPEN!" "I'VE GOT YOUR EXHIBIT-A RIGHT
HERE!" "PAROL EVIDENCE RULE, MY HAIRY BUTT!" "IS THAT AN OFFICIALLY
LICENSED MICKEY MOUSE HAT?" Etc.]
[Dr. F. leers into the monitor while trying to avoid getting caught
in the mayhem.]
Dr.F: Well, Nelson, Phase Two will have to wait a few minutes while I
straighten out things down here. Don't get too comfortable!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA --- OOOOOOFFFFF!!
[Two struggling lawyers slam into Forrester from behind, sending him
sprawling over the console, accidentally pushing the button.]
\ | /
\ | /
\|/
---o--- Fwshhhhh!
/|\
/ | \
/ | \
[Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations
are trademarks of and copyrighted by Best Brains, Inc. All rights
reserved. Star Trek in all its incarnations, and its related characters
and situations, are trademarks of and copyrighted by Paramount Studios.
Anything written by Stephen Ratliff not owned by Paramount is copyright
of the extremely sporting Stephen Ratliff. Use of copyrighted and
trademarked material is for non-commercial parody, review, and commentary
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks
held by Best Brains, Inc., Paramount, Inc., or anyone else, is intended
or should be inferred. No disrespect of Disney or Paramount legal and
accounting departments is intended beyond what they have already earned
by their public actions. No lawyers were harmed in the making of this
MiSTing. No, actually, there was one. Co-author David J. Conner,
licensed to practice law in the Commonwealth of Virginia, was horribly
scarred for life due to his reading of an unMiSTed Ratliff for the first
time. But other than him, none. And despite its well-publicized flaws,
the American judicial system is a pretty awesomely good system, on the
whole --- for which we should be thankful a little more often.]
-----------------
>> "I'm glad it makes sense to you, Glinn," Marrissa replied.
>> "It makes very little for me."