Misted: "New Mutants Volume 2 #2"

[do...@earlham.edu]

[Doors sequence. They enter the theater.]

NEW MUTANTS VOL 2 #2

THE DULL LIFE OF AN ASYLUM INMATE

Dramatis Personae

Kevin Derleth
Stevie Hunter
Sam Thompson
Lara Ventura

MIKE: Jim Carrey's Filipino daughter?

Amanda Johnson
Amara Aquilla

CROW: This is fascinating.
TOM: Why? It's half the same people as last time.
CROW: No, I mean that half the characters have dull, normal
names...Thompson, Johnson...and half have exciting, action
names! like Hunter and Ventura.

Guido
Lila Cheney
Emma Frost
Jetstream
Tarot
Catseye
Beef

MIKE: The other red meat.

Roulette
Bevatron
Empath
Businessman

MIKE: He's back! And still doesn't have a name.

Trent Darnell
Huang Linwei
Huang Wu
Deskworker

PAGE ONE:
Caption: "The Lovecraft Memorial State Home for the
Emotionally Disturbed. 9:30 AM."

CROW: How did I know Lovecraft was going to come up in this?
MIKE: Hey, maybe Sam is really a Deep One.
CROW: No, none of these characters are that deep.

Caption: (in Kevin's style. All are unless noted
otherwise.)
"The day feels full of...

TOM: Apricots!

promise."
Kevin wakes up, gets dressed.

CROW: Did we really need to see this?

More precisely, he is being dressed.

MIKE: Umm...how many inmates have servants?

He gets breakfast (sitting on his desk, next to a bunch
of tarot cards). He eats breakfast and leaves, walking
out the door.

CROW: How convention-bound! I expected him to slip between
the hinges or something.

Caption: "Of course, I don't know if this is the day
things come together. The cards aren't all that
precise, or all that accurate, but, like Hatshepsut says
to me, you've gotta deal with the signs you're given."

TOM: I'll take "Mixed Metaphors" for two hundred, Alex...

Caption: "For those of you that don't know, Hatshepsut's
one of my friends. One of my *special* friends, that
is--the ones that no one else can see."

CROW: [Kevin] My friends don't like it when I take lithium,
though, because they hide and won't talk to me for a few
hours.

Caption: "I don't see why people don't believe me when I
say that they're there. After all, they do stuff for
me--they're my friends."

TOM: [Kevin] Y'know, stuff. Like, y'know, things and stuff.

Caption: "They keep on saying that I move those things,
when I don't. I still don't understand it. Just
because I can see things they can't, they stick me in a
place like this."
PAGE TWO:
Splash page.
Kevin walks into the waiting room of an asylum, with
lots of inmates, folks in white coats, etc.

MIKE: Basket weavers, people who sit and twiddle their
thumbs and toes...
TOM: "Waiting room?" Oh, yeah, this must be one of those
outpatient asylums for the criminally insane.

Caption: "I mean, just because I can see what's really
there, they stick me in a place with people who want to
get away from what's really there."
Credits. Title: "The Dull Life of an Asylum Inmate."
PAGES THREE-FOUR:
Regular caption: "Stevie Hunter's Home. 12:15 PM."
Stevie, Lila, Sam, and Amara are at a dining-room table.
Apparently Guido has been shanghaied into cooking; he
wears an apron and is cleaning up while they eat and
talk.

CROW: Y'see, he's sort of a slave, and--c'mon, it's *funny*!

Sam: "I didn't *mean* to break his jaw, it just sort of
came out that way."
Amara: "What happened to him?"
Lila: "Hear he had to have his jaw wired. One punch,
huh?

TOM: Because ONE SHOT is all he needs!

Didn't know you were that strong."
Sam: "Uh-huh."

CROW: [Lila] Hmmmmm...

Stevie: (changing the subject) "Did I mention that the
other new students are arriving today?"
Sam: "Really? What're they like?"

MIKE: Chicken.

Stevie: "Well, their names are Amanda Johnson and Lara
Ventura. Amanda's from Washington, she's thirteen;
Lara's originally from the Philippines but moved to
Oregon; she's fourteen.

TOM: Haven't they ever heard of "show don't tell?"
MIKE: Well, they did that with Sam, and as a result we still
don't know what he looks like.
TOM: Hm. Fair point.

I haven't met any of them yet. I talked to Amanda on
the phone a little; she seems okay."
Sam: "Aren't there any male mutants out there any more?"
Lila: "What, worried about being outnumbered six to one?

TOM: [Sam] Well, when we play rugby boys vs. girls...
CROW: But what if it's shirts vs. skins?

Thought you were tougher than that, Sam. I sure
wouldn't complain if it was the other way 'round..."
Stevie: "Lila..."

TOM: Lila Cheney: the Crow T. Robot of the mutant universe.

Amara: "I was under the impression that you were
actually reforming Xavier's, Stevie.

CROW: Cleaning up the corrupt teachers on the take,
eliminating the child labor laws...

What happened to all the old students?"

MIKE: They graduated?
CROW: Old mutants never die; they just get their own mini-
series.
TOM: [Weird Al] Besides, this is the *New* Mutants, and we
couldn't very well call it the *New* Mutants if it had a
bunch of *old* mutants, could we? That'd be really stupid...

Stevie: "We're not really sure... Of the ones still on
this planet, you were the only one that wasn't held
captive or involved in another team."

TOM: [counts briefly to himself] The sad thing is, that's
actually true.

Amara: "Still, I had hoped to meet some of them again."
Sam: "Well, here's your chance to branch out. Meet new
and interesting people. Make *new* friends."

MIKE: SWF, 16, seeks insane Spaniard for manhandling and
light housecleaning...

Lila: "Here's your chance now. Guido, Amara. Amara,
Guido. There, you've increased your friend complement
by one. Don't hesitate to ask him for a favour."

CROW: Abuse him, it's fun!

Guido: (grumble)
PAGES FIVE-SIX:
Caption: "The Massachusetts Academy. 3:45 PM."
In Emma's office. She's normally dressed, and the
students are wearing school uniforms (white shirts or
blouses, brown suits or skirts).

TOM: Knowing the Hellfire Club, I'm surprised they're not
sailor schoolgirl fetish outfits at the very *least*.
MIKE: Can you imagine Beef in a fuku? He'd look like...uh,
that one girl from "Project A-Ko."

Empath is there, with jaw wired.
Frost: "You may recall my informing you earlier of the
formation of a new team of New Mutants. I have a lead
on another student, and I wish to visit him to recruit
him for our team. His name is Kevin Derleth."
Frost: "I wish two of you to accompany me. We don't
wish to scare him (shot of Beef, Bevatron, Catseye), and

MIKE: When's Bevatron going to get a line?

I do not wish to have to babysit you (shot of Empath,
Roulette), so Jetstream and Tarot will come along. We
will go during the weekend. Dismissed. Haroun, Marie-
Anne; please stay a few minutes."

CROW: [Emma] You've been...*naughty*. And you know what
happens when you're...*naughty*.

The students file out into the hallway.
Bits of floating dialogue: "Babysit? Sheesh!" "How come
they get lucky?" "I'd rather be here without her,
personally." "Sshh!"

TOM: Don't talk so loud or she might read your mind!

"Wonder what he's like?" "Mgngcbasnfjag"
Frost: "I suppose you are due a warning of where we are
going. Kevin is interred in the Lovecraft Asylum.

MIKE: They buried him alive? [thinks] Really living up to
their name, I guess...

Although he appears to be a telekinetic, he claims to
have 'invisible friends' that 'do things for him.'"

CROW: Y'know, I was reading a book on medieval legends, and
it said that a succubus was an invisible spirit that would
come to men at night and, um, do things to them.
TOM: So?
CROW: Well, think about it.
[Pause]
TOM & MIKE: Ewww, Crow!

Tarot and Jetstream exchange glances.
Frost: "Now, now. If you can deal with Catseye, you can
deal with him. And *please* do make a good
impression...

MIKE: Press firmly!

and don't let me down."

CROW: [singing] "No one ever loved me like she done me..."
TOM: I need a rest.

[Doors sequence. The bridge.]
MIKE: Even after reading all twenty-six issues of "The
Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe, Deluxe Edition," I
can't help but feel that I'm missing something.
TOM: I know what you mean, Mike. If this were a real comic,
we'd at least know what Sam looks like, but what's up with
the shapeshifter or the stuff in China?
MIKE: Hey, maybe the Mads know. It couldn't hurt to ask,
right? [He presses some controls.]

[Deep 13. Frank is dressed up like a Cardassian, and seems
to be in considerable discomfort.]

FRANK: Owie...Oh, hi, guys.

[SoL]

MIKE: Hi, Frank. Hey, do you know what's going on with the
new characters in the fanfic?

[Deep 13]

FRANK: Oh, sure. I've got the character files right here.
[waves a handful of punch cards]

[SoL]

MIKE: Do you suppose you could send them up?

[Deep 13]

FRANK: Sure...waaait. How do I know this isn't a trick?

[SoL]

CROW: Oh, we assure you it isn't.

[Deep 13]

FRANK: Well, okay, then. Give me a second.

[SoL; we hear another KA-THUNK! groan...]

MIKE: No problem. [pushes a control] Guys, we should really
help Frank.
CROW: Sure! We'll just rush down to Deep 13, guns blazing,
and set him free. Wait...perhaps there's an OBVIOUS HOLE in
that plan.
TOM: I know! [whispers something to Mike]
MIKE: It's so crazy it just might work! Go set it up. [Tom
exits.]
CROW: Uh, what was all that about?
MIKE: Oh, nothing. Say, Crow...have you ever thought about
how much you owe Frank?
CROW: Owe him? Nelson, are you getting enough oxygen up
there?
MIKE: Think about how he bakes you ramchip cookies for your
birthday...reads you stories...gently tucks you in at
night...
CROW: [dubiously] Uh, okay. What's your point?
[Tom returns, carrying a metal bowl like the one Frank is
head-butting.]
MIKE: Wouldn't you like to give your buddy's skull a rest?
CROW: How?
TOM: Like this! [He runs into Crow from behind. Both Crow
and the bowl disappear below screen; there is a KA-THUNK and
a groan. Mike reaches down and produces a bowl with an
impression of Crow's face on it.]
MIKE: Thanks, Crow. [pushes a control]

[Deep 13. Frank is now made up like a Next Gen Romulan.]

FRANK: Okay, I've got the character files ready to upload.

[SoL]

MIKE: Thanks, Frank. Oh, and here's something for you; you
can use this bowl [holds it up] to give your noggin a break.
[Crow emerges, woozily.]

[Deep 13]

FRANK: Well, isn't that nice. Get ready to receive.

[SoL. The bowl is missing.]

TOM: Huh? Ready to receive...?

[A shower of punch cards emerge from the control panel,
spraying all over everyone. Commercial light comes on.]

MIKE: We'll be right back.

[Commercials.]

[Doors sequence. All re-enter.]

Jetstream and Tarot exit into empty hallway.
Jetstream: "What do you believe this person will be
like?"

MIKE: [flipping through the punch cards] Well, Sam looks like
a grey-furred demon with wings, the Chinese girl has super-
enhanced senses, and the shapeshifter guy is a mischievous
vagabond.
TOM: Wow! I feel like I know them...

Tarot: "Personally, I cannot say. However, the cards
indicate that he has great potential. He sees the world
in a different way from most, but his way is strong. He
seeks truth. He--"

MIKE: Also, a lot of other pre-existing supporting characters
were going to join the school staff.
CROW: Whoa, big surprise *there*.

They walk around a corner, where the others are sitting
around waiting.
Roulette: "He didn't ask what the *cards* thought, he
asked what *you* thought. Can you even think without
those bloody cards?"

MIKE: I thought she was from New Jersey?
TOM: Have you heard Lila or Sam say "bloody" so far? I think
she stole their dialect.

Jetstream: "Jennifer, please don't--"
Bevatron: (changing the subject): "So, what is the
news?"

MIKE: You know they have to pay him like ten times as much
now because it's a speaking role.
CROW: Maybe it's one of the roles the writers wrote in so
they could have a bit part in the episode?
TOM: From what I remember of him from "New Warriors," I doubt
it. Unless the authors are blonde, fey-looking Frenchmen.

Jetstream: "Apparently, he is somewhat...unusual. We
will be visiting the home he is staying at."
Roulette: "A 'home?' What's he stayin' in, a psycho
ward?"
PAGE SEVEN:
Caption: "Boston Airport. 8:00 PM."
The businessman from last issue is speaking to Airport
Security. Businessman: "The man who took my suitcase was
around here. I think--There he is!"

CROW: That was like yesterday! I call no way!

Security & man begin to follow. The figure enters a
bathroom, & goes into one of the stalls. Security
follows, waiting by the door. The same stall opens, a
completely different person exiting it. Security goes
to check the other occupied stall; the figure grins and
leaves.
PAGE EIGHT:
Stevie and Lila, living room.
Lila: "What time are you and Amara going to the
airport?"
Stevie: "About half an hour." "I suppose I'd better
fill you in on our other plans, too. I've applied to
the state of Massachusetts for a licence, and we've
arranged for the house. I've also advertised for
teachers, and I should begin interviewing soon."

CROW: They publicly advertised for teachers at a top-secret
mutant facility?
TOM: "Wanted: English teacher. Must be fully accredited and
able to tolerate freaks."

Lila: "How's your car, by the way?"
Stevie: "The mechanic fixed up as good as new. Thanks
for taking care of that."
Lila: "Well, it was the least I could do."

CROW: Callously running into you after you lost control and
skidded all over the road and all.

"Anyway, why doncha head out, and Sam and I can move the
stuff to the new house."
Stevie: "Uh...Where is the house?"
Lila: "I don't remember the exact address. Hang on."
Teleportation flashes. Lila exits and returns.
Lila: "155 Rural Route 7. In Ipswich, Massachusetts."

TOM: Oh, the horror!

Stevie: "Isn't it easier to write addresses down in a
book?"
Lila: "Yeah, but it's a lot less fun."

MIKE: Why do I think each page should end with a rimshot?

PAGES NINE-TWELVE:
Caption: "The Boston Airport: 2:30 PM"
Stevie and Amara are sitting on a bench. Amara is
disconsolately holding a sign saying "Amanda Johnson."
[Note: In the background, the following announcements
will be heard: "Will Mr. Roger Pratt please pick up the
white courtesy phone?" And on & on in that vein, until:
"Will anyone who knows where the white courtesy phone is
please pick up the white courtesy phone?"

CROW: They even predicted _Bureaucracy_! Oh, wait, that came
out in 1987.

Amara: "Ms. Hunter?"
Stevie: "Yes?"
Amara: "When was her flight supposed to arrive?"
Stevie: "Noon."
Amara: "What time is it now?"
Stevie: "Two-thirty."
Amara: "Has there been any news lately?"
Stevie: "No."
They sit, bored.

TOM: THEY'RE NOT THE ONLY ONES!!

Amara: "I'm going to get something. Would you like
something?"
Stevie: (sitting up) "Amara, every half-hour you've been
going to get something, and I haven't wanted something
yet..."
Amara: "I'm just being polite..."
Amara gets up, carrying the sign. Stevie slumps down
again. Amara returns, with Amanda.

MIKE: [Amara] Funny thing, the vending machines don't take
ancient Roman coins.

Amara: "Ms. Hunter? I found her."
Amanda: "Hello...?"
Stevie gets up and tries to pretend she hasn't been
dozing.
Stevie: "Hi! I'm Stephanie Hunter, or Stevie.

TOM: Ever since she first appeared in 1980 she never called
herself anything but "Stevie," and now she's dropping
"Stephanie" everywhere she goes?
CROW: Maybe she wants to make sure people know she's a woman.

I'm the one who talked to you on the phone. You've met
Amara?"
Amanda: "Yes."
Stevie: "Well, there's another student coming in at
three. Let's head over to the gate."
They leave...and arrive at another gate. A couple
people sit at chairs, but it's not too crowded.
Amanda: "Well, it's three. They should arrive soon."

CROW: It took half an hour to get to the other gate?
MIKE: Actually, that's pretty realistic.

Amara: "If she arrives on time."
Amanda: "Who are we meeting, anyway?"
Stevie: "Her name's Lara Ventura."

MIKE: [Stevie] Says she's a "pet detective," or something
like that.

Upon saying that, one of the figures gets up and sort of
tentatively heads in their direction.
Amara: "Why were you so late?"
Amanda: "I'm not sure. Before we took off, they kept
serving us coffee and peanuts. We finally left, at
noon..."
Amara: "From what I have seen, you were fortunate to
avoid the prices of food in the airport cafeterias."
Stevie: (noticing Lara) "Hang on. Excuse me, are you
Lara?"
Lara: "Yes."
Stevie: "How long have you been waiting here?"
Lara: "Twenty minutes...?"

TOM: A plane arriving early? Now I've completely lost my
belief in this story.

Stevie: "Well, let's go collect your luggage. Shame
Sam's not here..."
At the Baggage Claim.
The girls go to get their baggage.

CROW: [Amanda, with an overlay of Rosie O'Donnell's "Flipper"
routine] Here baggage! [whistles] Here baggage! Stop
looking at me like that! It works!

Stevie picks up one of the suitcases, but sets it down
because it's too heavy. Lara comes up, already carrying
a big suitcase, and carries it with no trouble.

[continued...]

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