(MSTed) The Sailors' Swimming Lesson

[TVsGrady]

(The SOL bridge has been decorated to look like a comic book shop, and Mike and
Tom stand around reading comics while Crow, the owner, talks to someone on the
phone.)
MIKE: I have to admit, it HAS been getting bad lately. I mean, Superman's new
powers and costume? Gimme a break!
TOM: Let's not forget Heroes Reborn!
MIKE: And the Spider-Man clone storyline! Yecch!
CROW: Excuse me! Please don't read the books unless you're willing to buy them!
TOM: Why would I be willing to buy junk like this? Rob Liefeld my butt!
MIKE: Ah yes, the creator of the highly original Fighting American! HA!
CROW: Just don't touch anything! So where were we? You got slain by an elf?
You'll never become an Immortal at this rate!
GYPSY: Excuse me sir, how much are these old "Little Lulu" comics?
CROW: $350 each! They're uh, extremely rare!
(Gypsy cries)
MIKE: Look at you, Crow! You've become an isolated social misfit, directing
your frustration at your best friends!
CROW: Buy something or get out, OK?
MIKE: Crow, I CAN'T get out! We're all in space!
CROW: Oh my God...I almost killed you! How can you ever forgive me?(cries)
MIKE: Um, uh...
GYPSY: Pearl's calling!
PEARL: Well hello my Coney Island babies! We're on a weird planet this time.
It's like one big Japan!
(Bobo sits at a table drinking tea with a geisha.)
BOBO: So I says to the Klingon, "Go drink your slime somewhere else!"
GEISHA(insincere and obviously confused): Ha ha ha! Very funny, gaijin-san!
PEARL: At this rate, they'll let us take over this crummy planet just to be so
friggin' polite...(turns to Mike) Anyway, we've got yet another Sailor Moon
fanfic! This one's called "The Sailors' Swimming Lesson"!
(The alarms ring)
MIKE: WE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!!

>NOTE: This story takes place before Serena knew who Darien actually was
(Tuxedo Mask)

CROW: Really? I thought he was Batman!
> To see the pix of the scouts in their disguises,

TOM: It's for their Espionage merit badge.

> go to Your Cartoons

MIKE: MY cartoons?

> and look for Lunar Transformations.

CROW(singing): The Transformers! More than meets the eye!

> Drew

MIKE: Carey.

> 'em meself...

CROW(Malcolm McDowell): Moloko with knives in it sharpens me up for the old
ultra-violence, O my brothers!

>The Sailors' Swimming Lesson:

MIKE: How exciting.

> A Sailor Moon story by Holly-Beth Vixie Kraft

CROW: Don't say cheese, say Kraft Singles!

> "SERENA! You're going to be late!" said Luna, outside of the bathroom
door.

TOM: NO!! This better not be what I think it is!

> Serena's parents had gone out

CROW:...of their minds.

> for the day to take Sam to a water park, so Luna was free to speak
comfortably.

CROW: That doesn't stop her when she's out on the street...

> "Cork it, Luna! This is a really important matter..." came the voice
behind the door. "Make-up isn't an important matter, Serena! Get out here right
now!" The bathroom door opened just a bit to reveal a smirking girl.

MIKE(singing): She's a smirking girl, in a smirking world...

> "Would you rather me use the Lunar Pen?"

CROW(Luna): But it's out of Lunar Ink!

> Luna just sighed and kept quiet. "Hello, Lita!" Serena said into the
phone.

CROW(Seinfeld): Hello, Newman!

> "Ready, Serena?" "Sure thing! Meet you in five!"

MIKE: Five what? Bananas?

> "Okay. Bye!" Serena and Lita were heading out for the mall.

TOM: Didn't the writer just imply they were supposed to be on some mission?

>It was a beautiful sunny Saturday morning, and the girl were taking full
advantage of it.

TOM: The girl WAS! Tsk tsk tsk!

> "This is gonna be great! I just can’t wait to hit the food court."
Serena smiled. "Tell me about it! Let's work up our appetite here!" said Lita,
pointing to a boutique.

CROW: Oh yeah. There's nothing like designer clothes to make you hungry...

> "Wow!" giggled Serena, "They’ve got those baby t-shirts! Gotta get
one!"

MIKE: NO!!! NOT A SPICE GIRLS REFERENCE!!!

> Lita watched Serena shuffle through the shirts on the rack,

TOM:...and laughed sadistically.

>then set off to look for some new jeans. By noon, the duo had three bags each.

TOM(singing): Crazy lady, livin' in a bag! Eatin' outta garbage cans, used to
be a...
MIKE: TOM!

> "Let's eat." sighed Lita, sitting down at a table in the center of the
court. "Really! These bags are making my arms longer..." Serena grumbled.

MIKE: Is she related to Stretch Armstrong?
CROW: Or Mr. Fantastic?
TOM: Or Plastic Man?

> "Let me do the ordering, Serena. I'm just afraid what you'll come back
with." Lita smiled.

CROW: Or whatever.

> "Oh please." Serena muttered. Well, well...if it isn't Meatball head!"
said a voice.

MIKE(Homer Simpson): Mmm...meatball!

> Serena's head hit the table upon recognizing it.

CROW(Chris Farley): Son of a bitch! That's gonna leave a mark!

> "Darien, why is it that we ALWAYS seem to be in the same place at the
same time? Don't you have anything better to do than be a professional
stalker?" Darien looked insulted.
TOM(Darien): I'm an AMATEUR stalker!

> "Me? Follow YOU? I think not!" "There's a news flash. You never think!"
sneered the blonde.

CROW: Like SHE thinks...

> "Hi Darien!" said Lita, walking over with a tray. "Hello, Lita! My, you
sure pick interesting friends to hang with." "Hey!" Serena blurted. "He's just
joking with you, Serena." Lita smiled assuringly.

CROW(Serena): You'll pay for this...You'll all pay!

> "Uh-huh...right..." said Serena, taking her chili dog and soft drink

TOM: Her generic soft drink.

> from the tray. "Well, I have to leave," said Darien, getting up, "Good
afternoon, Lita. Later, Meatball Head!" chuckled Darien, as he walked away.
Serena sat there fuming

MIKE: Underage smoking! I'm SHOCKED!

> when Lita finally spoke up. "Geez, he's cute...I don't understand why you
hate him... "Maybe it's time I change my hairstyle" sighed Serena.

MIKE(David Byrne): I've changed my hairstyle, so many times now, I don't know
what I look like...

> Lita and Serena got off the bus at the Cherry Hill Temple.

CROW:...of Doom.

> Ami, Mina, and Raye were there, and the girls were going to plan a slumber
party.

CROW: Wouldn't it be cool if Haruka and Michiru went to that?
MIKE: Watch it, Crow...

> "Hope Raye's in a good mood." mumbled the Sailor of the Moon. Lita
knocked on the door to Raye's quarters.

TOM: Is this on a ship?

> "Come on in." The two opened the doors to see their friends sitting and
talking over a cup of strawberry tea.

MIKE(singing): Strawberry tea, where nothing is real...

> "Hello Serena, hi Lita!" smiled Ami, warmly.

CROW: I didn't know smiling made a sound.
TOM: Or had a temperature.

> "Hi guys!" laughed Serena, "Ya just gotta see what I bought at the
mall."

TOM: A suburban Spike Lee joint.

> "Not now Serena, something's up." Mina said. "Really? What?" Lita said
as she and Serena sat down on the floor by Raye's table. "There's been some
really strange stuff happening lately at the water works. It seems that the
water is rising out of the tanks and taking on some really weird forms.

CROW: Quick! Call Kevin Costner!

> We think it's something from the Negaverse, but we haven't checked it out
yet." Raye explained.

CROW(Raye): It might just be Cthulhu again.

> "So what do you think we should do? Do you think we should investigate,
or should we let it run out for a little while?" Serena queried. "Well, there
is a possibility of it becoming dangerous. If the water took on a large form,
it's probable that it could take someone down with it, drowning them in a
filter tank. If that did happen there is another possibility that the person
taken down was shifted to the Negaverse.

TOM: But I digress...

> What I think, is that we should check it out

CROW(singing): Books! Check 'em out!

> as soon as we can." Ami said. "Then that's what we'll do. The problem is,
how're we gonna get in?" Mina wondered. "Leave it to me guys! I've been working
on a new trick with the Lunar Pen! C'mon!" Serena said, running out the door.

TOM: Wacky, zany antics!

> When the Sailor Scouts and the cat advisors reached the City Water
Works, Serena broke out her pen.

CROW: And was shot with a tranquilizer.

> 'Kay everyone! Hold my hand while I transform!"

TOM(Optimus Prime): Autobots! Transform and roll out!

> The Sailors each held onto Serena's hand.

MIKE(Homer): The Be Sharps!
TOM(Pricipal Skinner): The Be Sharps!
CROW(Apu): The Be Sharps!

> "Disguise...POWER!...Turn us into water workers...or..something!"

TOM: Or something. Use your imagination here...

> The team all transformed into workers wearing dark blue pullovers.
Lita's hair was now about as long as Mina's, while Mina sported her hair into a
bun. Raye had a short sporty cut and Ami's hair was in two long, elegant
pig-tails. Serena's hair had become curly and just a little bit shorter, it
was beautifully worn in a loose pony-tail on her shoulder.

MIKE: She's been zapped into a Till Tuesday video!

> "Tres cool!" smiled Ami.

CROW: What does the drummer for Green Day have to do with this?

> "Let's get inside." suggested Lita. The Sailor Scouts walked into the
plant, trying to look as professional as they could. Serena noticed that her
disguise had a pin with her name on it. "Gee," thought Serena, "this thing sure
is accurate" as she looked at the Lunar Pen. They walked towards the tank room,
making sure to remain inconspicuous. "The Negaverse has definitely been
here...I smell that rank odor." grumbled Artemis.

TOM(Artemis): Smells like Teen Spirit!

> Luna padded

TOM(singing): Only love pads the film...

> over to a water reservoir,

CROW:...Dogs.

> and looked into the pool of murky water.

TOM(singing): I'm a man...

> Sniffing the air lightly, she stepped back. "Serena, I'd definitely be
careful about this. This water has a dreadful odor coming from it." "Ick! That
water? It still needs to be filtered and treated." she said. "Well you might
end up fighting with it, Serena." Artemis inputted.

MIKE: OK, we have a word that exists only in some fanfic writer's mind...
TOM: Verbing weirds language.

> The ground suddenly began to rumble.

TOM: Let's get ready to RRRUMBLE!!!

> "I think you spoke too soon, Artemis!" Mina said, trying to keep her
balance. The water in the reservoir suddenly formed into a giant winged falcon.

CROW: As opposed to your everyday wingless falcon.

> As it formed, the water left the tank. "We'd better transform, you guys!"
said Ami.

TOM(Optimus): Autobots! Transform and roll out!
MIKE: Tom, that's getting old.

> "Right!" was the reply. "Moon Prism Power!"

"Mercury Power!"
"Mars Power!"
"Jupiter Power!"
"Venus Power!"

Soon there were the five scouts, ready for action. "Let's see if we can
evaporate this guy," shouted Mars, "Mars Firebird.....STRIKE!" The beautiful
flame fled towards the water falcon, only to be extinguished

CROW: She didn't know water puts out fire?
MIKE: I could understand Serena doing that, but...

> with the greatest of ease.

TOM: The same way he flies through the air.

> "Oh, great! It didn't work! Venus Crescent Beam...SMASH!" Sailor Venus
blasted her magic towards the monster.

TOM(monster): I don't want to play Magic!

> The monster screeched as Mina's attack swirled around it.

MIKE(2000 Flushes guy): For up to FOUR MONTHS!

> "Hi-yah!" smiled Mina, jumping up victoriously.

CROW: I wasn't expecting a line THAT corny...

> But that was not the end of the water monster.

TOM: It was the end of the narration.

> "Gyaaahhh!" it bellowed.

M & TB: GODZILLA!

> Before the Sailor Scouts appeared three more monsters.

MIKE: Mothra, Rodan, and Ghidrah.

> "I don't think my tiara is gonna work against these guys."

MIKE: Shouldn't she at least TRY it?

> "Well, wait'll they taste Jupiter Power," smiled Lita,
"JUPITER....THUNDER....DRAGON!" Sheer lightning tore through the four monsters,
shattering them all. "You did it." said Mercury.

CROW(singing): Imagine yourself in a Mercury now...

> "Somehow I don't think that's gonna do it...look" said Lita, pointing
to a woman standing at the other side of the room. With long light-blue hair
and tight blue eyes,

CROW: Tight eyes?
MIKE: She must be getting ready to input.

> the woman began to walk forward. As she proceeded towards the scouts, her
dress flowered behind her. She was like walking water. "Who are you?" demanded
Ami. "Why Sailor Mercury..." said the pure-liquid voice, "I am water itself.
The power you receive. "Say what?" said Raye. "Be careful, ladies...this is a
trap..." Artemis said. "But she said..." started Lita.

CROW(Lita):...Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker's father!

> "That doesn't mean anything. All of your powers are given to you by
your planets." Luna answered. "This is cosmically weird..." grinned Serena, a
bead of sweat forming on her forehead.

TOM: Why is this girl smiling?

> Ami walked forward, "No you're not...we know your ploy, and it's not
going to work, so just give yourself up!" "Hmm...so you think you can stop me,
huh?" shouted the woman, water flowing from her hands,

CROW(female voice): WHERE'S THE PAPER TOWELS?!

> threatening to push the Sailor Scouts into the filter pits.
"Supreme.....thunder.....DRAGON!" shouted Lita, as powerful electricity shot
from the sky to her tiara.

MIKE(Lita): If "Sailor Moon" isn't the best show on TV, may lightning
strikeAAAAIIIEEE!!!!

> "Huh?" said a surprised monster. "Eat this, Negatrash!" smiled Sailor
Jupiter.

CROW: There she goes again!

> "Ahh!" bellowed the monster, as a giant bolt encased her body. "I got
her!" "I don't think so, Sailor Failure!" the beast smiled, "...HOTTER WATER!"

MIKE: She's a poet and she doesn't know it!
CROW(Horshack): Hotter water, Mr. Kotter!

>screamed the water-woman, boiling water shooting from her finger tips. "Look
out! We're gonna get steamed!" cried Mina, leaping as the water passed by her,
missing by mere inches. "I usually don't take my showers at this time of the
day." cried Raye,

(Tom hums the theme from "Psycho")

>leaping as well. "Mercury ice-bubbles.....FREEZE!" shouted Ami. The monster
wasn't harmed in the least. "Venus crescent beam.....SMASH!" Mina's weapon had
very little effect on the beast. "Try it, Raye!" shouted Lita. "Here
goes.....Mars...fireball CHARGE!" screamed the witch-girl,

CROW: Since when is Raye a witch?

> planting her talisman on the water-maid's head. "HA! You aren't going to stop
me, Sailor Slimes...

MIKE(Bill Murray): I've been slimed!

>This is a temporary setback." it cackled. "Okay...I've had just about enough
of this mega-creep." growled Serena, taking off her tiara with a confident
smile. "Moon...Tiara.....MAGIC!" she shouted, launching the headpiece.
"Yahhhhhh......." the water monster screamed, falling to the ground. The scouts
watched as it's skin disappeared, and water splashed to the ground. "Way to go,
Serena!" Ami said with a smile. "Thanks, Ames. Ya know, there's gotta be some
way to get into the Negaverse and stop whoever is behind these attacks. Do you
two know anything?"

CROW(Serena): 'Cause I don't!

> Serena pondered, looking towards the cats.

TOM: Garfield?
CROW: Snowball II?
MIKE: Bill?

> "Not that I know of." Artemis said. "Well, it's not like the time when
we were on the bus, Serena." Luna smiled.

MIKE: Uh-oh, "Speed III"...

> "Well, DUH..." grumbled Serena. "I'll have to do some research tonight.
I'm sure there is a way." said Mercury, looking towards the group. "Well, good
job you guys." Luna said. "Thanks." smiled Raye. "Let's just hope there aren't
any other monsters. We're not getting any stronger." sighed Lita, wiping her
brow. "On the contrary, Lita," spoke the white cat, "experience makes you
stronger."

TOM: He's a regular feline Nietzsche!

> You're right, Artemis," added Luna, "the more you fight, the more you
learn about your powers. You girls have come up with quite a few ingenious
attacks. Your powers will do whatever you ask, and some attacks will work
better than others. It's up to you to find them." The girls nodded in
agreement. "Let's go home you guys." said Mina. "Yeah...there's a future to
protect,

CROW(Johnny Rotten): No future for you!

> and if we're ever going to succeed, we're going to have to get some
shut-eye." Serena yawned. The Scouts shared a laugh with their leader. "So,
Ami, you think you'll ever get to MEET your power?" chuckled Serena. "I find it
unlikely, but if I get the opportunity, I'd love to." Ami smiled. "Well, we can
only wonder what will come from the Negaverse next." sighed Raye.

TOM: It better not be Cthulhu...

> "Yeah, but let's save that for another night. Tonight we're booked!"
Mina giggled, looking towards Lita. "PILLOW FIGHT!" shouted Sailor Jupiter.
Everyone threw their pillows in the direction of Serena, who, at the time, was
munching on some chips.

MIKE: Poker chips?
TOM: Microchips?
CROW: Cow chips?
MIKE: CROW!

> "Ack! Hey, you guys! NOT FAIR!...Waaaaah!" wailed Serena. "Look,
Meatball head is crying!" Raye sneered. Serena straightened right away.

CROW(Serena): Bein' gay was kinda icky...
MIKE: CROW!

> "How many times must I repeat myself?...DON'T CALL ME 'MEATBALL HEAD'!"
screamed Serena, knocking Raye over with a pillow. "Ouch! SERENA, you're dog
meat!"

CROW: Good thing they're Japanese and not Vietnamese...
MIKE: Crow, what is with you?
CROW: The Force!

> Mina, Ami, Lita, and the cats laughed as they watched Raye and Serena
go at it. Just another typical day!

MIKE(singing): Just another manic Monday...

> Moral: Always look inside of you for the answer. You'll most often find
that it's the best choice! Sailor Vixie says! <<GGG>>

MIKE: Great Galloping Gallifrey?
CROW: God's Gamorrhean Guards?
TOM: Greek Gum Grabber?

6...5...4...3...2..
MIKE: So what's the deal with those cats?
CROW: They're kinda, um...you know...
TOM: You don't know, do you?
MIKE: Hey, we could actually talk to Sailor Moon about this!
(Sailor Moon and Luna appear on the Hexfield Viewscreen.)
SAILOR MOON: Luna is my guardian cat! She was um, an advisor in the Moon
Kingdom...
CROW: So if you're the Moon Princess, how come SHE tells YOU what to do?
LUNA(nervously): That's a good question and um, there's a really interesting
answer...
SAILOR MOON: Ha! Do you think this is any way to treat the future Queen of the
Universe?
LUNA: I-I'm sorry, Your Majesty...
PEARL: Sorry to interrupt your political discussion, but there's this weird
giant turtle named Gamera going on a rampage!
SCARED JAPANESE PERSON(sounding dubbed): Oh no! Gamera is destroying the city!
OBSERVER: You don't understand! Gamera is a friend to little children!
T & C: Aww, not again...
MIKE: What's going on down there?
CROW: Trust us, Mike, you don't wanna know...
****
Original MiSTing by Joe Green (TVsGrady)
Sailor Moon copyright Naoko Takeuchi and DiC
Mystery Science Theater 3000 copyright Best Brains, Inc.
<<"Let me do the ordering, Serena. I'm just afraid what you'll come back with."
Lita smiled.>>