[MiSTing] [Rated R] A Warrior's Lament, Part 1 of 3
Juliet A. Youngren
Story by Osiris Brackhaus
MiSTing by Dreelyn <dre...@aol.com>
and Juliet Youngren <jayo...@prairienet.org>
NOTE: The piece of fiction contained in this MiSTing is rated R. It
also contains spoilers for _Fellowship of the Ring_.
[Open on SoL theater. Joel and the Bots are seated as usual, watching
_Fellowship of the Ring_ (subtitled in Japanese) on the big screen.
Joel is eating popcorn from a carton. The mood is in general much
more relaxed than the average experiment.]
Joel: Ahh, this is the life. *Good* movies for a change.
Tom: Yeah, we should have realized years ago that we could get
satellite TV reception, since we're on a satellite. [pause] I'm
sure you'll figure out how to get more than one channel
eventually.
Joel: I had a "little black box" back home that could get all the
channels...
Crow: Is that like a "little black book"?
Joel: No, Crow.
Tom: Still, Japanese Pay-Per-View has some pretty cool stuff.
Crow: Shhh--I love this part.
[They watch in silence for a few moments.]
Crow: It's the part where Shogun Bolomir asks Samurai Aragoln if he
wants to blow the bamboo horn of the Ancient City.
Tom: What?!
Crow: Well, that's what the subtitles say, anyway.
Tom: Really? Joel, would you turn on my Japanese-translation filter?
Joel: You don't have a Japanese-translation filter. Hey, I'm out of
popcorn.
Tom: Coming right up.
[Tom starts air-popping corn in his dome. They watch the movie in
silence for a while. When Tom's dome is full, he leans over and
spills some of the popcorn into Joel's bucket.]
Joel: Thanks, buddy.
[Suddenly, the screen is filled with the evilly grinning face of Dr.
Forrester.]
All: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!
Dr. F: Well, well, well, boobies, and just what do you think you're
doing?
Joel: We were...um...getting ready for another one of your wonderful
experiments?
Dr. F: I don't think so! I was trying to figure out why the mind-
monitor was showing pleasant sensations coming from this
theater in the off-hours, and now I know.
Tom: Uh, oh.
Dr. F: How am I supposed to break your minds if you watch *good*
movies in between experiments?
Joel: Well, just one good movie really, sir. But we've seen it
twelve times already.
Crow: And it isn't even that good. It has distracting Japanese
subtitles.
Tom: Very incorrect Japanese subtitles.
Joel: Right. So you see, we haven't been enjoying ourselves *that*
much.
Tom: No, not really very much at all.
Dr. F: Enough! You're going to get *such* a story today, you'll
wish you'd never even heard of Middle-Earth. But first, how
about an invention exchange, hmm?
Joel: Well, you've kind of seen our invention already, sir. It's a
system which allows me to get cable reception up here on the
Satellite of Love. It only gets one channel so far, but I hope
to expand it later.
Dr. F: Well, you're now seeing *my* latest invention in effect, and
with that, you won't get any channels at all.
All: Aaaawwww!
Dr. F: Yes, it's my new handy-dandy satellite signal jammer. Not
only does it block out all entertainment frequencies that you
might actually enjoy, but it beams up whatever piece of
torture I have selected for your experiment. And I've got a
*special* treat for you today--I guarantee you'll never look
at Aragorn or Boromir the same way again. Are you folks
familiar with the concept of "slash"?
Tom: Long, diagonal-ish cutting motion?
Dr. F: Not exactly. It's a fanfic which involves two men having sex.
Tom: Two men?
Crow: Having...Joel?
Joel: Dr. F, you wouldn't!
Dr. F: I wouldn't, but they sure do! Have fun, boobies.
[His image vanishes. The screen is dark for a few seconds.]
Tom: [sniffling] Joel, this is going to be a tough one ....
Joel: [pats Tom] There, there, be strong. We'll get through it.
I'll even let you guys make dirty jokes this time.
Crow: Really? Yaaay!
Tom: Thanks, Joel! You're the best!
> A Warrior's Lament
Tom: Hey, I'm already lamenting.
> by Osiris Brackhaus
>
> I had failed.
Tom: Not a lot of confidence in this guy, eh?
Joel: We now take you to Angsty Nameless Guy...
>
> The first warrior of Gondor had fallen,
Tom: So, he killed the first warrior of Gondor? Doesn't sound to
me like he failed.
Crow: If this is Boromir, I thought he *was* the first warrior of
Gondor.
Tom: A suicide, then?
> though his people
> had never been in greater need of him before,
Joel: I could see Boromir thinking he was indispensable.
Tom: [Boromir] Gondor needs no king--they've got ME!
> due to my
> lack of skill;
Crow: Well, ineptitude usually does cause failure...
> My father's eldest son had fallen, though he had pledged to
> ease the old man's burden, only for my vanity;
Joel: So he vainly hoped to ease his father's burden?
> I had fallen, fallen from grace,
Crow: [warrior] I've fallen, and forsooth, I cannot get up!
> fallen to the lure of a
> power I desired to save my people,
Joel: [fisherman] Now, if you wanna catch them angsty nameless
warrior fish, put some power on your hook. Lures 'em every
time.
> only due to my lack of
> faith.
Crow: So which was it? The lure of power or lack of faith?
Tom: Angsty *and* indecisive.
> but worst of all, most painful in loss, the man who had
> given his oath to protect my one true love,
Joel: Isn't that usually the kind of oath you make *yourself*...?
> who had pledged
> to keep my love free of sorrow--this one man had fallen,
> too,
Crow: That's, like, five people who've fallen in just the first few
lines of this story.
Tom: Someone must have just waxed the floor or something.
> failing all his oaths simply by getting himself slain.
Joel: And so far, Boromir's killed about five different people.
Tom: Or he has a very murderous split personality.
> I had failed.
Crow: The pointy end goes *toward* the enemy, stupid!
Tom: But they offered this war again in the spring term, so he could
retake it.
> I knew I was lying on the slopes of Amon Hen,
Crow: [Boromir] ...right opposite Amon Rooster.
> where we had
> prepared to camp before passing into
Joel: [Boromir] An eternal slumber from which we never awakened.
> the Emyn Muil
> tomorrow. We had been ambushed by a horde of orcs,
> unusually huge, unsuspectedly attacking
Crow: An ambush usually does imply an unexpected attack....
Joel: Yeah, if you know about it, it's just not a *real* ambush.
Takes all the fun out of it.
> by daylight--and had
> our fellowship not been separated, we might have stood a
> chance against them.
All: Doh!
> But then, alas, it had been me who caused our little group
> to split apart,
Joel: [Boromir] "Run as an independent candidate"? What was I
thinking?!
> me who allowed our enemy a chance to attack
> us singly
Joel: As opposed to doubly?
> and without time to prepare a defence.
Crow: [Tattoo] De Fence! De Fence!
> I had failed, and maybe the fact that I was dying now would
> prevent me from spoiling
Crow: [Minnewegian] Dead nameless narrators do tend to spoil if you
don't cover 'em up and refrigerate 'em, don'tcha know.
Joel: Not if you freeze-dry them.
> future events of greater impact
> than this little skirmish.
>
> Maybe the world was better off
> without me.
Joel: Sure took him long enough to realize the truth.
> Maybe, except for one.
Tom: [Boromir] ...the one that I haven't bothered to name yet...
> My Lover knelt next to my bleeding body, holding my head in
> his arms gently.
Joel: [Lover] Well, I *told* you the whips and chains were a bad
idea.
Crow: Joel, I'm getting those uncomfortable images again.
Joel: Keep repressing them, Crow.
> He had always had the strength to renew my
> confidence, always had the calm to reign in my temper,
Tom: Whoa, Boy!
> always had a smile to pierce the gloom my world seemed to
> drown in.
Crow: [singing, as Boromir] Did you ever know that you're my hero/
You're everything I would like to be/I can fly higher than an
eagle/'Cause you are the wind beneath my wings....
Tom: How does one pierce a liquid, exactly?
> He had touched my heart
Tom: Eewww!
> and being with hope and
> understanding, and his unconditional love had graced the
> last days of my life with unexpected joy.
Joel: So his lover's a Golden Retriever...
> I could feel his grief, hear his unworded pleas trying to
> call life back into my dying body.
Tom: How does one hear unworded pleas?
Crow: Hey, if a Boromir cries out in silent agony in the forest, does
anyone hear him?
Joel: But he didn't call 10-10-220, so he didn't save a buck or two.
> My love for him filled
> my being,
Crow: [Barry White] Oh, baby!
Tom: [shakes head] A world where hot elf women exist and these two
guys want each *other*?
> blazing away all the doubts I had accumulated,
> wiping away all weariness, all sorrow. Feeling his love
> pure and strong calling out to me, I knew that the one
> thing I had done right was to love him.
Joel: [Boromir] And have a fanatical devotion to the Pope!
...Love...and Pope...the TWO things I've done right...!
> And how arrogant I had thought him to be at first!
Tom: Isn't this guy supposed to be dying?
> Arrogant, condescending, eyeing me with that calm, silent
> hint of disgust that man usually only encounters in the
> eyes of an elf.
Crow: [Boromir] Listening, Legolas?
Joel: The eyes of an elf would be pretty disgusting if you just came
across them lying in the woods.
Tom: In the nose of an elf, however, one encounters talking fast-food
canine mascots.
> But though his manners and his wisdom clearly showed his
> elven upbringing, his body was that of
Tom: --A machine!
Joel: He's the Terminator!
> a man, and I am sure
> that this is one fact about him that I know better than any
> other mortal.
Joel: You think Aragorn would know it pretty well, himself...
Crow: ...Wait, elves don't have those bits too?
Joel: So much for all those Legolas slash fics.
> Still holding me in his arms, his love was like a beacon to
> me, still anchoring my thoughts in this world,
Tom: It's a beacon that anchors!
Joel: It's a metaphor that mixes!
> bending my
> thoughts towards him.
Crow: And also acts as a powerful magnet!
Joel: Now how much would you pay?
Tom: Boromir's thoughts aren't the only thing that's getting bent
around here....
> And though all other surroundings
> began to dissolve into the greyness of utter unimportance,
Crow: If only this fic could!
Tom: Funny, I thought it already had.
> memories of moments shared with him came into my mind,
> ephemeral like clouds at first, but then ever more intense,
> ever more important.
Crow: [narrator] I remember it as if it were....a flashback!
Joel: Death scene not going anywhere for a while? Have a Snickers.
> How we had encountered first
Tom: Encountered what?
> in the House of Elrond,
Crow: In the House of Enron?
Joel: Don't take the retirement plan, Boromir! 'Tis a cruel orcish
trick!
> how he
> had seemed so all-knowing,
Joel: First he's a dog, and now he's God.
Tom: Maybe Boromir's metaphorically dyslexic.
> so elvenly unconcerned about all
> the troubles that had brought me to seek the counsel of his
> foster-father.
Tom: Isn't his foster-father elvish, too?
Crow: [Boromir] Actually, no one in Rivendell seemed to give a hang
about my problems in the least.
> Haughty, he had seemed to me,
Joel: Hey, Yoda's joined the cast!
> giving me the impression that
> though he knew of my sorrows, they were too small to be of
> concern to him,
Crow: Bet that's not all that's too small to--
Joel: Crow!
Crow: You said we could make dirty jokes!
Joel: Within reason.
Crow: You're no fun.
> and that instead of throwing tantrums like
> an unwilling child
Tom: Don't most children willingly throw tantrums?
> I ought to grow up to have a look at the
> greater picture.
Joel: [Boromir] I think it was a picture of some woman named Lisa, or
something like that.
Tom: "Greater picture" sounds too modern. I'm sure Boromir means
"portrait".
Crow: Or "tapestry"! The greater tapestry!
> He hit my very nerve,
Tom: [Boromir] Ouch! You're getting on my last nerve, Aragorn!
> with that, I have to admit. Whatever
> I said, he just sat there, smiled and nodded
Crow: [Aragorn, thinking] Smile and nod, don't make eye contact,
maybe he'll go away...
> or, after some
> moments of sophisticated silence, corrected me like a child
> willing yet unable to learn.
Joel: Boromir's a candidate for special education, apparently.
> I cannot say that I looked forward to the day when he, oh
> mighty Aragorn
Tom: Aragorn is mighty. Aragorn is a friend to all children.
Bots: [sing] Aragon is really neat! Aragorn is full of meat! We're
all eating A-ra-gorn!
> son of Arathorn, would ride into the city of
> my fathers, claiming the throne my family had struggled to
> keep standing for so many generations.
Crow: [Aragorn] Thanks for holding the throne for me, Boromir, old
buddy.
Joel: Boromir comes from a long line of carpenters, apparently.
> I am by no means
> good at losing a battle,
Tom: Isn't he dying? That would imply he's not good at winning
battles, either.
> but being confronted with a man
> who could take away all that my family had kept for
> millennia by his mere existence,
Joel: Aragorn works for the IRS, apparently.
> without a chance of denial
> or even defence
Tom: Defeat of deduct went over defence before detail.
> was tormenting to my heart.
>
> And yet, he had a way with words.
Tom: Funny that Aragorn has a way with words and Boromir is
rattling off these tongue-twisting sentences!
Joel: Yes. Boromir is very eloquent in his head, but has trouble
expressing his thoughts vocally. Special ed. Told you.
> Once he shed that cloak
Crow: Oh, we're getting to the sex already?
> of elven quiet around him,
Crow: Doh.
> he spoke like a true King of
> men, passionately yet full of wisdom.
Joel: Kings of elves speak calmly and simply.
Tom: And kings of orcs just grunt.
> His manners and his
> bearing clearly showed that though maybe rugged in
> appearance,
Tom: Do you see Aragorn as an SUV or something?
Joel: I wouldn't call Aragorn's appearance "rugged."
Crow: "Unwashed"?
Joel: Of course, he's at Elrond's, so he's not mucking around in the
woods anymore.
Crow: No, that's later in the story--but replace the "m" with an "f."
> he was undeniably of royal blood, superior yet
> gracefully taking care of all mere mortals.
Tom: Now Aragorn is God. Definitely. Again.
> And on top of
All: [singing] ...spaghetti/All covered with cheese...
> all of this, he was handsome! Be it in a skinny, almost
> elven fashion,
Joel: I thought that Kate Moss look was so over.
Crow: Maybe he's just really hungry. Poor guy--someone should just
give him a sandwich.
> handsome he was,
Tom: Yoda lives!
> and that knowing sparkle in
> his dark eyes
Joel: Santa!
> brought up images of the most inappropriate
> yet pleasant kind to my mind's eye.
Crow: [Boromir] Images of Pauley Shore tied to a chair, his toes
dipped in honey and nibbled on by ants....
>
> It wasn't the first time I laid my eyes on a warrior in
> such ways, and I have shared my blankets with quite a few
> of them.
Crow: It's nice to see Boromir plays well with others.
> My father had always frowned on such adventures,
Tom: Yes, usually fathers aren't thrilled to find out their sons
boink everything that moves.
> but as I chose my 'partners in crime' not only for their
> looks but also for their discretion, nothing worse than my
> father's frown had ever happened.
Crow: They're so discreet, he apparently never gets any.
> And so I couldn't be
> bothered to consider it a problem, when everybody else
> merely shrugged and looked away.
Joel: [random other person] Oh gods, Boromir's screwing the regiment
again...
Tom: So the whole regiment is gay? No wonder Aragorn's family moved
north.
> Not that I was not
> interested in women, by any means,
Crow: [Boromir] My door swings both ways, baby!
> but when your intent is
> mostly carnal
Tom: *Mostly* carnal?
Joel: He wants a little polite conversation and maybe a drink or two,
first.
> and you are not in the mood for wooing--
> sharing your passions with a man of a likewise narrow
> mindset definitely has got its advantages.
Crow: So he sleeps with men as a way of avoiding foreplay?
Joel: Looks that way.
> And until then,
> falling in love had never been a weakness of mine.
Tom: Gee, I'm surprised. He seems like such a touchy-feely, romantic
kind of guy...
> But in this particular case, the fact that I developed a
> romantic inclination towards this supposed heir proved to
> be quite a hindrance.
Tom: He's only the supposed heir?
Crow: Suppose so.
> For one thing, it is hard to keep
> focused in a dispute when a part of your mind keeps
> constantly undressing your opponent.
Crow: Gives new meaning to "Reach out and touch someone", eh?
Joel: I've seen swashbucklers remove a lady's clothing with a rapier,
but I bet it'd be a lot harder with a broadsword....
Tom: And messy if you failed.
> And then, when you've
> already got quite a temper,
Tom: Come now, Boromir--I find that hard to believe!
> it starts flaring a hundred
> times easier when the one triggering your anger is subject
> to unfulfilled desire.
Joel: Now he's subjecting Aragorn to his unfulfilled desires.
> So, as you can imagine, I managed to
> pretty much ruin our 'relationship' within the first days.
Tom: [Aragorn] We had a relationship?
> He kept on treating me from up above,
Crow: [Aragorn] Here you go, little Boromir--some ice cream for you.
> I kept on insulting
> him, treating him like horse-dung myself.
Tom: [Boromir] I shoveled him up and threw him under the bushes.
> Never pretended to be good at things of love, anyway.
Crow: What kind of things? Handcuffs? Leather? Astroglide?
Joel: Ick.
>
> [~~~]
Tom: I see they're bridging the gap.
>
> And so we set out on our quest, leaving Rivendell on our
> way to Mordor, my heart filled both with hate and desire.
> And he was there, constantly watching me,
All: [sing] "I always feel like/Somebody's watching me..."
> trying to see me
> make any mistake that would justify his low opinion of me.
Joel: God, he must be blind.
> Constantly offering oily help when he thought I couldn't
> manage on my own.
Joel: Maybe Aragorn needs a shower...?
Crow: I hate to think of what else oil might be useful for.
> And then, most annoying of all, he had the unnerving habit
> of staying close to me in battle,
Tom: [Boromir] I'd much prefered it if he'd run away and let me get
killed in peace.
> fighting next to me as if
> not trusting in my sword-arm.
Joel: [Aragorn] I don't know, that sword arm looks shifty to me...
> Especially in the mines of
> Moria it was annoying, for whenever the tide of battle
> turned thick,
Tom: Goshdarnit! The tide-of-battle gravy's gone all lumpy again!
> he was there, shoulder to shoulder, back to
> back with me.
All: [singing] "Back to back/Belly to belly/At the Zombie Jamboree!"
> How is a man supposed to put his mind to the
> battle ahead when the man he desires most starts rubbing
> bodies with him?
Crow: For Pete's sake, there was a twenty-foot cave troll thrashing
around in there, and he was worried about a stiffie?
> I had to swallow some
[Crow begins to speak, but Joel clamps his mouth shut.]
Joel: Don't even think about going there, Crow.
> snide remark about
> his utterly impractical behaviour,
Tom: [indignant] *Aragorn's* impractical behavior?!
> but that would have only
> pushed him even further away from me, I feared.
Joel: [Boromir] Drat that Aragorn--drawn to me like moths to fire!
> So I just said nothing,
Tom: It wasn't exactly a good moment for conversation!
> tried to focus and to get away from
> him as soon as the battle allowed.
Crow: [Aragorn] Nice battle, Boromir and--hey, where are you running
off to?
> And each time, he looked
> at me as if I were trying something unnecessarily stupid,
Joel: Well, yes, getting away from your defensive partner would be
something unnecessarily stupid.
> but even if I did--it had been he who forced me to!
Tom: Imagine Boromir at Heaven's gates... [Boromir] Aragorn made me
get killed in battle, God!
Crow: [God] Nobody likes a tattle-tale. Stupid Boromir.
> Or at
> least his most promising body, anyway.
Crow: And by "promising", he means "good cover from flying arrows".
>
> [~~~]
Tom: Look--the Bridge of Khazad-Dum!
>
> But then again, things in life often turn out other than
> expected,
Joel: Well, that's deep...
> and when our fellowship entered the forests of
> Lothlorien, I was about to learn how true the saying about
> the Lady of the Woods was indeed.
Crow: She really will do it with any man who so much as looks at her
cross-eyed!
> 'For whoever looks into
> the eyes of Galadriel will
Joel: ...encounter a calm, silent hint of disgust.
> never leave her forest again, as
> she sees deep into the hearts of men.
Crow: And then fishes them out with her bare hands and eats them,
raw!
> And whatever she sees
> will forever change the one who is facing her gaze, and he
> will be someone else upon leaving.'
Tom: So her gaze makes you into...not you?
Joel: Something like that.
> And I was not to be an exception to that rule.
Crow: Oh goody--annoying Boromir might become someone less annoying.
Tom: I wouldn't bet on that.
> We were presented to her at dusk, to be greeted by both the
> queen and the king of the forest.
Joel: She apparently multiplies by division.
Tom: Or she's suddenly become a hermaphrodite.
> They welcomed us with
> words both gentle and wise, yet as her look crossed mine,
Tom: She's back to herself again.
Crow: [Boromir] Tha'sh better, Galadriel...f'r a minute there, there
wash two of ya... [hic]
> her mind tore through my being like an iron plough through
> a child's castle made of mud.
Tom: So, the children of Middle Earth make mudcastles?
Joel: What a sad, sad world they live in...
> Tearing away all and any of
> the defences I had built up during my life to prevent me
> from speaking thoughtlessly,
Tom: When did Boromir ever prevent himself from speaking
thoughtlessly?
Crow: [snicker] Well, for every time he actually speaks, I guess
there are 10 other times when he prevented himself....
Tom: That's a scary thought.
> to prevent me from acting on
> my rage, she laid bare my
Crow: WOOT!
> innermost fears--
Crow: Doh!
> not only for her
> to see, but for me as well.
>
> I am not good at thinking
Tom: Yes, we've established this...
> about myself, and far less
> talented in facing my shortcomings.
Joel: [Boromir] Even though that's all I've done since page one of
this fic.
> I knew that,
Tom: Obviously, as you've just told us.
> and she
> knew as well. Yet she didn't seem to care in the slightest,
Tom: She's an elf, remember? None of them care about you at all,
Boromir.
> and so she slammed into my mind,
Joel: I hope she has collision insurance.
Crow: Mosh pits of the ELVES!
> forcing me to face fears I
> had thought long-conquered as merely well-hidden, forced me
> to accept weaknesses long-overcome as merely ignored, and
> all in one
Crow: And one for all!
> pretty well managed to convince me within a
> single look that a man with my lack of wisdom yet surplus
> of temper was more of a
Tom: ...Royal Pain in the Ass.
> burden than a boon in the dark days
> to come, let alone fit to govern as the Steward of Gondor.
Joel: Galadriel--Mistress of the Painfully Obvious.
> Needless to say, these cognitions shattered my confidence
> in almost everything I had ever believed in, and when we
> were released and went down to our camp at the base of the
> trees,
Joel: [Galadriel] Run free, little Fellowship!
> I could hardly find a single thought, my mind
> withdrawn into some kind of stunned absence.
Crow: Boromir's brain went awol!
Tom: You mean it wasn't awol the whole time?
Joel: I can just see a little tiny Boromir wandering the vast, empty
caverns of his own mind...
Tom: Boromir(mir...mir...mir)? Where aaaaare you (ooo...ooo...)?
>
> [~~~]
Tom: It's the Bridge Over the River "Why?"
>
> But wonders upon wonders, it was mighty Aragorn
Bots: [singing] Aragorn the Mighty/He's very tidy...
> who broke
> my mental stupor--by ordering me to get some sleep.
Crow: [Aragorn] Boromir! Stop zoning out and get some sleep. Oh,
wait...
> It was
> sweet, for sure,
Joel: [Valley Boromir] Like, fer sure! Aragorn is so totally rad,
y'know?
> and he intended only good--yet in my
> present condition sleep was the last thing I could think
> of.
Tom: [Aragorn] Get to bed, Boromir!
Joel: [Boromir] Aww...you just say that 'cause you love me, you big
lug.
> This time for once, his motherly meddling
Crow: Okay, this fic is getting into a whole weird, homo-Oedipal
area here...
> didn't manage to
> raise my hackles,
Tom: [Boromir] ...Or hack my raisins.
> contrary, I was glad to have someone who
> would be willing to listen to my worries,
Joel: I suppose he would be, seeing as how the elves are always
ignoring him and all.
> and though I
> expected to be taunted with my confessions for the next
> hundred years to come,
Tom: That's the follow-up fic to this--"Aragorn's Revenge: The
Taunting".
> that evening in Lorien, I simply
> couldn't be bothered.
Crow: [Boromir] I was imperturbable.
> So I started to talk
Tom: Started?! What does he think he's been doing this whole time?
Joel: It's a flashback, Tom.
Tom: Still...
> --not about Galadriel, but about my
> fears. My fear to lose the war, my fear to fail my father,
> to fail my people, to fail my own expectations. And my fear
> never to see my home of Minas Tirith again, never again to
> see its white walls gleaming in the light of morning.
Crow: [Boromir] My fear of cute, fluffy bunnies.
Tom: [Boromir] That embarrassing fear of cottage cheese.
Joel: [Boromir] And the fear that somewhere, somehow, a fan with
slashy tendencies is watching me.
> As I spoke, I surprisingly felt no condescension from
> Aragorn,
Tom: [Boromir] Probably because he'd fallen asleep long ago...
> only an affable sharing of heavy thoughts, as it
> might have happened between two old friends on battle's
> eve.
Crow: [Aragorn] God, Boromir's going on forever about all these
personal problems. I thought I told him to go to bed?
Tom: [Aragorn] Maybe if I just smile and nod, he'll GO AWAY...
> He just sat there, listening, his expression one of
> grave understanding and gentle consolation.
Crow: That's why he doesn't want to be king--he'd have to do that
kind of thing full-time!
Joel: You think Aragorn has the "Girl from Ipanima" hold music
playing in his head during that whole conversation?
>
> It was lovely.
>
> Finally there was something like an understanding between
> the two of us--
Tom: What Boromir says: Aragorn, I have all these fears, and I don't
know what to do, and...
Joel: What Aragorn hears: ARAGORN blah blah blah...
> and though my heart was still brittle with
> shock from the violating revelations of Galadriel,
Crow: So she just raped his mind?
> I wanted
> to tell him that I appreciated his concern--and his silence.
Tom: Boromir doesn't want advice; he just wants someone to listen to
him complain.
> Yet, I had already mentioned that I am not a man of words,
Crow: For not being a man of words, he sure uses a lot of them.
> and though I sorely tried to say something diplomatically
> correct, or at least something un-antagonising, the
> nonsense I brought out when finally I had a sentence
> together was
Joel: [Boromir] A little thing called "A Warrior's Lament".
> about the 'two Lords of Gondor, returning to
> their City'. As soon as I had spoken I knew that I had just
> hit him squarely on the head with the one point that stood
> between us from the very beginning,
Joel: Bonk! Bonk on the head!
> and that quite probably
> had finally destroyed any chance of reconciliation between
> the two of us.
Tom: The End? Please?
>
> I hate politics.
>
> But no, once more Aragorn proved his amazing ability to see
Tom: [Aragorn] I can see! Hallelujah!
> when no slight had been intended, and instead of turning
> against me, he simply stated in a sad voice that there
> would never be more than one Lord of Gondor.
Crow: [Aragorn, sword raised] There can be only One!
> For the first
> time, I was grateful for his slight elven detachment, for
> it enabled him to think before speaking, to speak before
> acting.
Tom: [Boromir] So Aragorn, now that I've poured out my heart to you,
what do you think?
Crow: [Aragorn] Sorry, what?
> I have painfully learned all my life how much
> trouble the absence of such an ability can and will bring.
Tom: [Boromir] As I am King of Open Mouth/Insert Foot...
> So I confirmed him,
Joel: [Priest/Boromir] My son, you are now a lifelong member of the
Catholic church. Walk with God.
> my voice more moved by gratitude than I
> would have liked.
>
> When he offered to go for a walk with me in the forest,
Joel: Aragorn is luring Boromir into the woods with candy.
> I was surprised, for I had not expected any kind of care
> beyond what a good captain might deem necessary to keep his
> company whole.
Tom: [Aragorn] I've sewn that leg right back on, so just rest, and
it should be good as new in the morning.
> And though I felt not too confident with
> this whole thing,
Crow: A walk in the woods could lead to date rape...
Tom: That's probably what he's hoping.
> I agreed, hoping for a chance to prolong
> this unexpected change of our captains character.
>
> But my hopes were crushed as soon as our king-to-be opened
> his mouth once again.
Joel: [Boromir] Damn! No tongue-piercing.
> He had tried to be friends, he said, asking me why I have
> never shown any reaction to his efforts, all the while
> fluffing up like a cock in the morning.
Tom: That just...riffs itself, huh?
> He asked me in earnest!
Joel: After all, it's important to be Earnest.
>
> I know my temper took the better part of me, then. For the
> next thing I remember was that he flung himself at me, his
> usually oh so serene face twisted to a mindless mask of
> wrath.
Crow: [Aragorn] You insufferable git! If you don't shut up I'm
going to KILL YOU!
> I had luck to dodge his first blow,
Crow: That's funny--I thought that's what Boromir's been trying to
get this whole time.
> but he was quick
> as lightning,
Tom: [singing] ...everybody was kung-fu fighting....
> and soon we both lay on the ground pounding
> at each other like drunkards in front of an inn.
Crow: I'm pretty sure drunkards don't have sex in public if they can
help it.
Joel: I think he means they were fighting.
Tom: Hey, I'd fight too if a bearded royal tried to boink me.
> Though
> quick and agile he was, without a sword, he was no match
> for me,
Joel: If he's "swordless", he's not going to be much use for Boromir
anyway, in this fic.
> and before I had had the time to think,
Tom: As if you've ever used that time before.
> I had him
> lying face-down in the moss, myself above him,
Crow: Ah--the action at last!
> raising my
> fists like a hammer in a serious attempt to break his neck.
Tom: Hey--that's not very romantic!
Crow: [Boromir] Can ya SMELL what the Steward is cookin'?
Joel: Hold your breath! Here comes...THE GONDOR EYEBROW!
> But luckily, grace to the gods above, as quickly as my
> anger is flared, it also vanished without a trace.
Tom: Hello, psychopathic!
> So I was
> able to suppress my intended blow,
Crow: [Boromir] Hey, I just realized--I can be the dominant one in
this relationship! SCORE!
> slowly gathering my wits
> again.
Joel: [Boromir] Here's one of my wits on this tree, and another
under this rock...
> I was shocked when I realised that I had come close to
> killing not only the man who would, by all accounts, become
> my king in not-so-far-away a future,
All: [singing] In the not-too-distant future...
> but also had
> physically beaten the one man I desired to love.
Joel: Sometimes love don't feel like it should.
> Ashamed
> for my lack of control over myself, I let go of him,
> dropping on the ground like an old hero finally defeated,
Tom: Finally defeated? As in, The End?
> shocked and full of loathing for what I had done.
Joel: [Boromir] Someone just shoot me full of arrows now!
>
> Galadriel had been more than right--
Crow: She was Pat Buchanan!
> I was by no means
> qualified to rule, not Gondor, nor anywhere else, for I
> could not even govern myself.
Joel: An army of one.
Tom: [Boromir] The great Elbow Rebellion of 1186 came back to haunt
me.
Crow: [Boromir] I was even wearing a diaper. Who was I kidding?
> And like so often, when I
> realised what I had done in anger, I felt tears of shame
> running down my face,
Tom: Even his tears are trying to escape this scene...
> hot and burning,
Crow: [Boromir] And scalding and boiling and scorching and blistering
and searing and...um...did I mention hot?
> each one adding more
> to my disgrace.
[Joel picks up Tom and they leave the theater.]
CONTINUED IN PART 2