[MiSTing] [REVISED] Smoked Spam (1/3)
Juliet A. Youngren
overlap as well as a continuity error. So here's the corrected version,
which should be easier to read.
==========================================================================
SMOKED SPAM: A Trio of Drug Substitute Spams
Misted by (in alphabetical order):
Sarah Heiner <bookwo...@yahoo.com>
Natalie Welch <nwe...@greenapple.com>
Juliet Youngren <jayo...@prairienet.org>
Edited by Juliet Youngren
[SOL. Mike, in a trenchcoat and rakishly-tilted fedora; Gypsy, in a
40's era hat; and Crow, also in a trenchcoat, are milling around.]
MIKE: Oh, hi, and welcome to the Satellite of Love. Servo, inspired
by Crow's "Earth vs. Soup" script, has decided to write and
direct his own idea for a movie. The only problem is, [sigh]
script changes.
CROW: [sigh] Script changes, Gyps.
GYPSY: [sigh] Script changes, Mike.
MIKE: [sigh] Script changes, Crow.
[All sigh.]
MIKE: Anyway, we're almost done--hopefully. Tom is rewriting the
final sequence now.
[Commercial sign.]
MIKE: [Yells] Hey, Tom, you done yet?
TOM: [O. S.] Just a while longer!
MIKE: [Sighs, taps light.] We'll be right back.
[Commercials.]
[SOL. Everyone's still waiting.]
MIKE: [Yells.] Done yet?
TOM: [O. S.] Running off copies now! ... Blast! Printer's jammed!
[All groan.]
CROW: Might as well pass the time by telling the folks at home what's
going on.
MIKE: [Sighs] Might as well, Crow. See, Servo wanted to capitalize
on the renewed interest in war movies, so he wrote a story of
intrigue set against the backdrop of World War II.
CROW: At first, it was just a threesome--
MIKE: Crow ...
CROW: Well, it's true! I am Jacek Crowrobowski, a *brave* member of
the Polish resistance movement, come to Switzerland to flee to
America and try to get help from overseas.
MIKE: In Geneva, he walks into The White House Cafe, run by me,
Mickey Blaine, a smuggler of human cargo.
CROW: We try to fend off Captain Peugeot, a corrupt policeman who'd
love to turn in such a prize as myself. Servo plays him.
GYPSY: But then Servo decided to go with a romantic angle and gave
Jacek a wife, Ella. That's me!
MIKE: Then, things turned *really* interesting. Tom decided to make
Mickey a more ambiguous character and gave the human smuggler
job to Yacobian, a slimy little character played by Tom.
CROW: Yes, except that Yacobian wasn't going much of anywhere as a
character, so he got killed by some officers, leaving important
papers that can give anyone a free ride out of Switzerland.
GYPSY: To give the plot even more interest, he gave Ella and Mickey a
history together, and a parting under bad terms.
MIKE: And then he turned Peugeot into this ambiguous guy who plays
both sides like a fiddle to achieve his aims.
CROW: Right. Is that where we stand now?
MIKE: I think so. Everyone knows that Mickey has the papers, and
wants to get them. Mickey is considering using the papers
himself. There's only enough for two, though, so Jacek may
have to be left behind. Ella's kind of willing to go with him
at the moment.
CROW: The hussy!
MIKE: And you know, the strange thing is, it all feels familiar to me
somehow.
[Tom finally comes in with corrected scripts, wearing a beret and a
pencil placed as if behind one ear.]
TOM: Okay, here it is.
GYPSY: Yay! The final scene!
MIKE: [He takes a corrected script and starts to look it over] So,
what'd you decide here, Tom?
TOM: Oh, Mickey does the noble thing and gives Ella and Jacek the
papers, and just then, Peugeot decides to align with the Allies
and doesn't turn Mick in. He promises to help Mick get out of
the country, and will, in fact, go himself.
MIKE: Ah. Hey, Servo, what is it with you and this toast of Mick's?
"Here's mud in your eye"? There's what, ten repetitions in the
script now?
CROW: [Looking over his script] Ayep. It's official now. It's
"Nosferatu."
GYPSY: VAMPIRES???
CROW: I didn't mean it like that. I meant that this is a rip-off
with just enough changes to avoid a copyright suit.
"Nosferatu" was supposed to be "Dracula," but they never
secured the film rights to the story, so they had to change a
few things.
GYPSY: Ohhhh.
MIKE: [Smacks head.] White house ... Casa blanca! We were doing
"Casablanca" all along!
CROW: Then why all the rewrites?
TOM: Hey, it worked for the real "Casablanca," right? This is my
chance for an Oscar!
[They advance on Servo.]
TOM: Heh heh You guys aren't too mad, are you? ... Mommy!
[He flees, and the others follow.]
[Sounds from a scuffle are hear off stage. Tom's getting it pretty
bad.]
[Mad's light flashes.]
MIKE: [O. S.] Oops, Rick, Victor, and Ilsa are calling.
[He enters and taps the light. The bots still scuffle off screen.]
[Castle Forrester. All three mads are dressed as hippies and are
smoking from bongs. Pearl's is translucent green. Bobo's is yellow
and has a banana immersed in the water. Observer's brain is soaking
inside a purple bong. And instead of his usual purple hooded cloak,
it is tie-dyed.]
OBS.: [Really, really stoned] Hey, don't *bogart* my bong! [He
laughs at his little pun.]
BOBO: [Ditto] Ahh, at one with the universe, just as my ancestors
were before they found civilization.
PEARL: [Ditto] Yes, feel the universal love. Brain Guy, share a
little of this *wonderful* feeling with our friends, will you?
OBS.: [Ditto] Yes, dudette. [A psychedelic version of his brain
sounds emanate from him.]
[SOL. Mike and the bots are now dressed as hippies, too.]
CROW: [Stoned] Ohh, man, sorry for ganging up on you like that.
MIKE: [Ditto] Yeah. We are all one, so it was really like fighting
myself.
GYPSY: [Ditto] How true.
TOM: [Ditto] No problemo, dude.
MIKE: [Still stoned] Hey, Pearl, does this mean that there's no
experiment this week?
TOM: [Still stoned] Make love, not pain, dudes.
[Castle F]
PEARL: [Decidedly NOT stoned] Ha! Of course not! See, I ordered
this fake Mary Jane--
[SOL]
MIKE: Aaaah! Not more Marrissa fanfics?!?!?
[Castle F]
PEARL: No--but what a great idea! Anyhoo, I ordered this fake
*marijuana* that's supposed to pull the same kick as the real
stuff without the illegalities. Beech and Kong here think
it's the real thing. [Quiet announcer voice] We secretly
switched their usual weed with the new Herbal Breakthrough.
Let's see what they think.
OBS.: [Stoned] Oh, wow, lookit all the pretty patterns.
BOBO: [Stoned] Man, do I ever have the munchies. [Leaves]
PEARL: [Turning back to Mike] I pegged Bobo to fall for the placebo
effect, but I thought Brain Guy was too brainy for it. Then
again, his thoughts *do* affect the universe in profound ways.
I tried it, and somehow, it doesn't affect me at all.
[She brings up an empty hand, but seems to be stroking some invisible
creature.]
PEARL: Oh, how do you like my pet tarantula, Blackie?
[SOL]
MIKE: Uh, he's nice, Mrs. F.
[Castle F]
PEARL: [Still stroking "Blackie"] Thank you, Mikey. [To "Blackie"]
Is'm a good spidey-widey? Hmm?
[She continues in this fashion. Behind her, Bobo reenters, carrying
armloads of bananas. He dumps them by his bong and unpeels one and
eats it hungrily, tossing the peel to the floor in front of him.]
PEARL: Brain Guy, Blackie here needs some TLC. Could you be a dear
and send Mike that *special* file of love I have for them?
[To Mike] It's a collection of spams touting legal
alternatives to marijuana and other herbal remedies.
OBS.: [Stoned] What, and lose this perfect balance I feel right
now?
PEARL: [Incensed--and I'm not talking about the perfume, either!]
*I'll* give you something to lose!
[She advances towards him, but slips on the banana peel, crashing
into the bongs, spilling water and Observer's brain. He immediately
recovers, and his cloak goes back to normal. Pearl staggers to her
feet.]
OBS.: You were saying, Ma'am?
BOBO: Bongs fall down, go boom! [Stoned laugh]
PEARL: Send them the spam, Brainiac!
OBS.: Right-o. [Normal brain sounds]
[SOL]
ALL: WE GOT PSYCHEDELIC SPAM SIGN!!!!
[6 ... 5 ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... 1]
[They enter the theater and take their normal spots. Even the
Chromakey silhouettes are getting into the psychedelic act.]
CROW: Didn't you realize that Tom was trying to do "Casablanca"?
MIKE: No, I didn't. Most of my knowledge of that film comes from
"Overdrawn at the Memory Bank."
> Date: Mon, 31 Dec 2001 07:30:38 -2000
CROW: You'd think this person would have something better to do on
New Year's Eve.
MIKE: This is a spammer we're talking about. He's probably still
living in his parents' basement and hasn't had a date since
Cindy Wilson took pity on him once in 8th grade.
> From: Herman
TOM: And his head.
MIKE: Why do I suddenly get the feeling the herbal recipe entails
nightshade and wolfsbane?
CROW: Yeah, Grandpa's going to be very mad that Herman rifled through
his lab.
TOM: Hey, maybe he has some peyote!
> To: <Undisclosed Recipients>
CROW: [Herman] This is *my* mailing list! You can't have it!
> Subject: **SPECIAL 2/for/1 SALE GOING ON NOW!**
MIKE: Buy one robot, get one free!
BOTS: Hey!
> TKIIKL
TOM: "TKIIKL a Mockingbird"?
>
> 100% Legal Herbal Smoke!
MIKE: Isn't that called an aromatherapy candle?
TOM: Tobacco! Brought to you by Philip Morris!
>
> **SPECIAL 2-for-1 SALE GOING ON NOW!**
CROW: Buy one human, get one free!
MIKE: Ha! There's only one of us up here.
CROW: I'm including Pearl, too.
MIKE: Well okay, then--hey!
> Will end without warning.
CROW: [Herman] When the cops catch up with me.
TOM: Apparently sentences will also *begin* without warning.
>
> Nothing more potent can be called Legal!
TOM: Right, because they trademarked the name.
CROW: [Bob Dole] Bob Dole loves Viagra. It revitalized Bob Dole's
sex life. Bob and Elizabeth Dole rock the bed all night long.
Bob--
MIKE: Enough, Crow.
> NEVER shows up in drug screenings!
MIKE: ALWAYS shows up in glassy-eyed stare, loss of ambition, and
reactions to hallucinations!
>
> Other Herbal Remedies available on our web site...
CROW: Which, apparently, has been censored.
>
> Aphrodisiac...,
ALL: Oh, *wow.*
> Herbal Prozac,
MIKE: For that doubly-flaked-out feeling.
> Natural Weight-Loss, Martial Arts
> Products
TOM: [martial artist] We can fight to the death in a moment. But
first, let's get high.
>
> Want the web site?
ALL: NO!!
> Check out our Special Offers...
> Email conra...@yahoo.com
CROW: Write down "Master Gentleman Conradshop."
> with the words "SEND SITE" in the Subject
> of the message, we will send you the web site address.
MIKE: [Herman] And then send you up the river.
CROW: Gee, what a gyp. I was hoping to get the site so I can ...
make fun of it. Yeah, that's the ticket. Make merciless fun
of it.
TOM: Of course, any Google search could find it, too.
CROW: Really? Hey, good point!
> or
> Order by Phone: <617-825-4555>
TOM: Woohoo! Let's clog up his answering machine!
> Order Center Open:
MIKE: Oh, stop trying to make this sound legit.
> Monday-Friday 12PM-9PM Eastern Time
TOM: Either he's holding regular business hours in California, or
he's a New Yorker who's sleeping in.
MIKE: I vote the latter.
CROW: Me, too.
> (call the number above if the email address is not working)
CROW: [Herman] If, you know, it's been shut down for spam abuse, or
something.
>
>
>
>
>
>
MIKE: Carriage return got stuck, I guess.
> To be removed...
CROW: Just harrass the other patrons until the bouncers throw you
out!
> Email conra...@yahoo.com with the word "REMOVE"
> in the Subject.
TOM: Does *anyone* fall for that any more?
>
>
> From cw...@csc.uvic.ca
TOM: [Stoned] Hey, you, Vic! Want some weed?
> Sun Jun 2 08:55:53 2002
> Date: Tue, 05 Feb 2002 01:36:19 -2000
> From: Stoner <cw...@csc.uvic.ca>
CROW: Let me guess. Draft dodger.
> To: <Undisclosed Recipients>
MIKE: Names have been withheld to protect the innocent.
> Subject: Herbal BREAKTHROUGH! 11314
MIKE: With Pastor Rod Parsley!
ALL: [singing] Break on through to the other herb!
>
> Temple 3 Shemhamphorashii
ALL: GESUNDHEIT!
> (TM) Pipe-Smoking Substantiality
> Product..is indeed the consummate evolution..
TOM: Of idiocy.
> of personal choice;
MIKE: When someone says they're pro-choice, I don't think this is
what they mean ....
> botanical, responsive/sensitive pipe-smoking substance commodities.
CROW: Listed under pork bellies.
MIKE: Either they're trying to thwart email spam killers, or this
Temple Shemp stuff isn't as strong as real reefer.
TOM: Yeah, this is way beyond most stoners' vocabularies.
CROW: Heck, even the *word* "this" is almost beyond most stoners'
vocabs.
>
>
> Temple 3 Shemhamphorashii (TM) Pipe-Smoking Substantiality Product
MIKE: Try saying *that* five times fast.
> is an exclusive, revolutionary/evolutionary herba pipe-smoking
> product
MIKE: Smoked by Bolshevik Neanderthals everywhere!
> based upon years of ethnobotanical research & development
MIKE: Ethnowhat?
TOM: I think it's the study of what plants are used by native tribes
for rituals and healing.
CROW: Also known as Pass the Peyote 101.
> and centuries of botanical innuendo..
CROW: Say, there. You've got a lovely vine. Why don't you come by
and entwine around me sometime?
TOM: [Brad Sherwood] I gotta go rub a dandelion under my chin ...
if you know what I mean.
MIKE: You know what they say--sense flies out the door when botany
comes innuendo.
> Shemhamphorashii
CROW: The fourth Japanese Stooge!
> is a
> proprietary; core-extracted; viripotent
TOM: Don't they mean *very* potent?
CROW: Maybe it's only potent for viruses.
> amalgamation of high-ratio
> concentrated botanical extracts
MIKE: Translation--they raided the compost heap.
> which are derived from various
> common and uncommon herbas..which are primarily cultivated within
> and imported from the eastern and southern hemispheres.
MIKE: Excerpt from the press release for Soylent Green Tobacco.
> Temple 3
> Shemhamphorashii (TM)
MIKE: Dumb question: What happened to Temples 1 and 2?
TOM: Don't encourage her to find the others in the trilogy.
PEARL: [Over intercom] Too late, Fire Hydrant Boy!!
CROW: Good, one, Tom,
TOM: D'oh!
> does not contain or draw upon any illegal,
> regulated, harmful, synthetic, or pharmaceutical factors.
MIKE: So you'll still be smoking grass--*real* grass!
> Temple 3
> Shemhamphorashii (TM) is a unique botanical/herba extraordinariness
MIKE: I swear, stoners have the *strangest* vocabulary skills.
TOM: Or lack thereof.
> that is best utilized via the ritual of Smoke/Smoking, which has
> been employed as an administrative vehicle
CROW: A D.O.T. truck?
> for the assimilation of
> botanical/herba alkaloids & glycosides for centuries.
TOM: Yes, join the centuries-long cavalcade of wit-addled druggies!
CROW: Five minutes after man discovered fire, he discovered that
burnt stuff smelt good!
>
>
> Temple 3 Shemhamphorashii (TM) Pipe-Smoking Substantiality Product
> is a CELEBRATION OF LIFE!!!!
CROW: Life spent staring vacantly into space!
MIKE: Services for the late Timothy Leary will be held at the home.
Bring your own pipe.
> It has always been our fervent hope,
> and indeed it has been our learned experience
CROW: Learned. Right. [snicker]
> that Temple 3
> Shemhamphorashii (TM)
TOM: Why do they mention the (TM) so much? It's not like anyone's
going to want to steal *that* name.
> would provide personal choice avenue
MIKE: That's the one that crosses Free Will Street just north of
Predestination Boulevard, right?
> and
> philosophy
TOM: [stoned] I smoke, therefore I, um, um ... what was the question
again?
> toward independence from illegal drug usages and
> dependences,
CROW: ["stoner"] Dependence on barely legal drugs, however, is what
we're counting on.
> while still, and to the contrary..
MIKE: And on the other hand ...
CROW: And alternatively ...
TOM: And reduntantly! *growl*
> being able to provide
> joyous demeanor & attitude.
TOM: In other words, they want to be able to have their cake and
smoke it too.
> We maintain on file accolade to such
> occurrences and wonderfulnesses
MIKE: [singing] S'wonderfulnesses ... S'marvelousnessesses ...
> that have been imparted into many,
> many lives
TOM: The multitudes of erroneously mistaken complaints, however, were
dropped into the round file and never saw the light of day
again.
> via the Temple 3 Shemhamphorashii (TM) Pipe-Smoking
> Substantiality Product phenomenon.
MIKE: That sounds *so* much more elegant than "dope."
>
>
> So..as we ever so proudly introduce to our planet..
MIKE: Ambassador Sarek!
> our gourmet
> Temple 3 Shemhamphorashii (TM) Pipe-Smoking Substantiality Product..
MIKE: I expect to see this as the theme ingredient on "Iron Chef" any
week now.
> we will simply say of Temple 3 Shemhamphorashii
TOM: There's nothing simple about saying "Shemhamphorashii"!
> (TM) that it is
CROW: The biggest crock of sh ... inola.
MIKE: Thanks for keeping our PG rating.
> an ancient/traditional..technologically
> enhanced/advanced,
TOM: If it's ancient, how can it be technologically advanced?
CROW: Yeah--that's like saying you have a high-tech abacus.
> sensitive/responsive, non-tobacco,
> non-cannabis/marijuana,
MIKE: Non-preservative ....
CROW: Non-red dye #2 ....
TOM: Non-fun ....
> non-additive,
CROW: Ah, the difference one little "c" makes.
> botanical/herba
TOM: What is a "herba," anyway?
MIKE: It's the Italian Love Bug!
> smoking
> substantiality/
TOM: [singing] I am a great big bundle of--Substantiality!
> delight which is shamanically/sacramentally
> smoked/utilized/engaged for Well-Spirited Sensitivity/Responsiveness
MIKE: Mike/Bots read/blink/scream at the spam/inconherency.
CROW: Crow reacts/yawns with boredom/confusion.
TOM: Tom cuttingly/wittily riffs/mocks/taunts the tedium/
grammarlessness.
> and multi-aspect Intimacy Enhancement.
ALL: That was simple?!
> So jump for joy..
MIKE: Yeah, I'll do that ... right on top of the stuff, grinding it
to dust.
> and enjoy,
> enjoy, enjoy!!!
TOM: Riffing, riffing, riffing!
>
>
> Temple (TM) Pipe-Smoking Substantialities..have always been and will
> always remain
MIKE: [Spock] Your friend.
> exclusive, prescribed Exotic Botanical Resource House
> Specialties..
MIKE: First time I've ever heard of the garnish being the specialty
of the house.
TOM: Kinda negates your claim that this stuff is ancient, though,
doesn't it?
> For your information..Temple 3 Shemhamphorashii (TM)
> is an exclusive proprietary amalgamation..
CROW: Because no one else would *want* to make this gunk.
> which includes the
> following
TOM: --Seventeen herbs and spices.
> synergistically conglomerated;
MIKE: Sounds like a business merger.
> uncommon and common
> herbas/botanicals,
TOM: So why *do* they keep calling this thing "herba"?
MIKE: Maybe it's made from female herbs.
> resins, flower-tops, essences and oils in extreme
> ratio
TOM: Ex-TREEEEEEM ratio!
> core/base-extractment ranging from 10 to 1; to; 100 to 1
> viripotent concentrations:
MIKE: Criminy. If nothing else, we should turn him in for semi-colon
abuse.
> Drachsha,
TOM: Isn't that a Russian country manor?
> Chavana Prash,
MIKE: The hot new Indian tennis star!
> Trikatu,
CROW: Yes! Smoked electric rodent! Where do I order?
MIKE: That's "Trikatu," not "Pikachu," Crow.
CROW: Ah, well, a bot can dream, can't he?
> Black
> Seed Herb, Hybrid Flowering Turnera Diffusa, Wild Dagga,
TOM: Sounds like essence of rap group.
> Capillaris
> Herba, Angelica Root,
MIKE: [sigh] I remember Angelica Root. She turned me down for the
Junior Prom.
> Haritaki,
TOM: I'd like to commit haritaki right now.
> Shatavari,
MIKE: You go wash your mouth out with soap, young man!
> Labdunum, Core-refined
> Valeriana Officinalis,
MIKE: Officer Valeria?!
CROW: [Valeria] Yew and your dawter are undoor awwest!
> Neroli, Unicorn Root,
TOM: Which can only be collected by virgins.
> Papaver Rhoes,
> Dendrobian,
MIKE: Isn't that one of the alien races on "Star Trek"?
> Calea Zacatechichi,
CROW: Oh, now they're just making things up!
> Rue,
MIKE: [Justin Wilson] Oh, yeah, that'll be a fine roux, I gar-ahn-
TEE!
> Amla, Salvia,
MIKE: Yeesh, they spit in this stuff?!
TOM: It's salvia, not saliva.
> Crocus Sativa
> (flower-tops), Leonorus Sibricus buddings,
TOM: You know, I think this really *is* the Colonel's Secret Recipe!
> Lotus
CROW: Notes, or 123?
TOM: *ahem* And round about the keel with faces pale, / Dark faces
pale against that rosy flame, / The mild-eyed melancholy Lotus-
eaters came.
MIKE: Very nice, Tom.
TOM: Thank you.
> and Gokshura
> rootings.
CROW: Godzilla's daughter is a cheerleader?
MIKE: [Falsetto] Go, Dad, go! Stooooomp Tokyo!!!
> Temple 3 Shemhamphorashii (TM) is solely offered as a
> personal choice,
MIKE: [Stoner] Even though we foisted this spam on you.
> botanical smoking substance/substantiality. It is
> not intended for ingestion or consumption of any sort.
MIKE: Including smoking.
CROW: Just let it sit around in your home, collecting dust.
>
>
> Please Note: Temple 3 Shemhamphorashii (TM) is an absolutely legal,
> herba/botanical, personal choice, pipe-smoking substantiality
> product!!!
MIKE: So stick that in your pipe and ... oh, wait.
> No included botanical factor therein is regulated by law
> or considered to be harmful by regulatory agencies.
MIKE: ["Stoner"] And our extensive research--asking a guy we know
named Earl--proves it.
> There is no
> tobacco in Temple 3 Shemhamphorashii (TM). There is certainly no
> cannabis/marijuana in Temple 3 Shemhamphorashii (TM)..
TOM: Brought to you by the grandsons of the guys who produced
"wine bricks" during Prohibition.
CROW: "Wine bricks?"
TOM: Uh-huh. True story. They were made of dehydrated wine, but
were not supposed to be dissolved in water. Wink, wink, nudge,
nudge.
> And although
> we are not age-governed by law..Temple 3 Shemhamphorashii (TM) is
> intended exclusively for sophisticated adult usage!
CROW: [Whiny kid] But Mom, I wanna smoke at the big kids' bong!
> Subsequently, it
> is our MANDATORY ethical policy that Temple 3 Shemhamphorashii (TM)
> may not be sold, offered, or given
MIKE: Though it can be slipped surreptitiously ...
> to any person that has not
> attained at least twenty-one years of age.
CROW: After all, you'll want to experience the full potential of
combining this with beer.
> All things in their
> time..
TOM: [Singing] To every thing, turn, turn, turn.
CROW and MIKE: [Singing] A time to get high, a time to come down!
> As well, Temple 3 Shemhamphorashii (TM) is not intended for
> use during work or while driving.
TOM: So this stuff is made of antihistimines, then?
> It should not be enjoyed during
> pregnancy
CROW: Dang! There goes my miracle cure for morning sickness!
> nor is it intended to supercede physician's care in any
> regard.
TOM: Pregnant women should not handle broken tablets.
CROW: People already taking medication for heart disease should not
use this product.
MIKE: Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball.
>
>
> Finally, we realize of course that this Temple 3 Shemhamphorashii
> (TM) is not inexpensive.. (Temple 3 Shemhamphorashii (TM) is a
> very, very Sweet Smoke
CROW: In fact, it's 90% sugar.
> and sweetness is never acquired
> inexpensively.
TOM: So *that's* why Shirley Temple was so highly paid.
> Such is the way of the Economic Tao....),
MIKE: The Tao of Quark.
> nor, as a
> matter of fact, is it inexpensive for us to acquire,
CROW: They misspelled "smuggle."
> factor or
> master-craft..
MIKE: A master-craftsman in drugs?
CROW: Do they take apprentices, or can you learn it at vo-tech?
> Quite simply, it is the very best of its Kind that
> there is to be acquired. Just a snippet/pinch of this Temple 3
> Shemhamphorashii (TM).. Four or five draws of your pipe..lingers for
> a good, goodly while!!!
CROW: Goodliest.
MIKE: Goodlyness.
TOM: Antidisestablishmentarianism.
> (An herb pipe
TOM: Not an "herba" pipe?
> and usage instructions
TOM: ... Such as "Do not stick the burning end in your mouth" ...
> are
> included with each Temple 3 Shemhamphorashii (TM) Package.)
MIKE: Step one: insert snippet into pipe. Step two: light pipe.
Step three: inhale smoke through pipe.
[Pause]
CROW: Uh, Mike, you forgot to tell them to breathe out.
MIKE: Did I?
>
>
> Temple 3 Shemhamphorashii
MIKE: So why did they name this stuff after Noah's sons?
CROW: Really?
MIKE: Yeah. Shem, Ham, and Phorashii.
> (TM) is offered exclusively in 56 gram (2
> oz.) and 22 gram (.75 oz.) jiggets/bars for $115.00 and $65.00
> respectively. Sorry, no volume discounts. Wholesale pricing is
> available to qualified, select merchants only.
TOM: You know--reputable people who wouldn't stoop to cheap, low
techniques like spam advertising.
>
> *******************************************************************
CROW: All the asterisks that will be applied to the 2000 election.
> To be removed from future mailings, click "Reply", type "Remove" in
> subject and send.
MIKE: ["Stoner"] But, of course, the message will bounce right back at
you. You're ours FOREVER!!! Mwhahahahahahaha!
>
>
>
>
> From: Garcia <dki...@male.ru>
TOM: Yeah, men rue a lot of things.
> To: "mxx...@male.ru" <mxx...@male.ru>
MIKE: Isn't that the magic word from one of the Oz books?
> Subject: Get High Legally!
CROW: Go buy a plane ticket to Paris!
> cvrwtne
TOM: Can Vegas Return Winnings To Nearly Everyone?
>
> Now Offering for your
CROW: Education and delectation ...
>
> "Sensitive" Delight ...
TOM: Alan Alda, this means you!
MIKE: Rednecks and Mike Tyson need not apply.
>
> NEW & IMPROVED
TOM: What is it, already?!
>
>
> ____________________________________________________________________
MIKE: Line breaks?
CROW: That hardly seems new.
>
>
>
> ____________________________________________________________________
CROW: Ahh, a *double* line break.
> *** KATHMANDU 2 ***
MIKE: They rebuilt the capital of Nepal?
>
>
>
> ____________________________________________________________________
>
>
> ____________________________________________________________________
> Thanks to recent dramatic advances in the laboratorial processes for
> the extraction of botanical/herbal alkaloids and glycosides,
CROW: [Garcia] We've been working *really* hard in Stoney's
basement.
> we are
> now able to offer what has already been the most incredibly potent
> marijuana/cannabis alternative available on the planet ....
CROW: Geez! Too many more verb tense switchings like that, and
*I'll* be smoking!
TOM: So they're only now offering it, but it's already been
available? Does ... not ... compute ...
MIKE: Whoa there, Tom! Take it easy! We're running out of spare
heads.
>
>
>
> ____________________________________________________________________
>
>
> ____________________________________________________________________
>
>
> KATHMANDU TEMPLE KIFF!!!
CROW: Smoke it and kiff your aff goodbye!
TOM: Boy, I'm glad Watterson went with 'Spaceman Spiff' instead.
'Kathmandu Temple Kiff' just doesn't have the same ring.
[Suddenly, the spam flickers and then vanishes in a psychedelic swirl
of neon mandelbrot patterns. There is a long pause, then Pearl's
voice is heard over the intercom.]
PEARL: Ummm ... sorry, boys, I think Brainy messed up on sending that
one. His brain's still a little ... you know ... right now.
Why don't you take a break, and I'll have him send a copy of
the alternate version later. [Her voice suddenly goes into
baby-talk tones.] Yes, Blackie, Mummy's going to take you for
a walk in just a minute ....
[They stand and leave the theater. 1 ... 2 ... 3 ... 4 ... 5 ... 6]
CONTINUED in Part 2....