[MiSTing] "The Odyssey" (1/5) THE SPECIAL EDITON
Tjats
(This episode falls directly after episode 913 of MST3K)
episode 103 of SFT1B
Turn down your lights (if you want to)
In the not-too-distant future
On the Satelite of Love
Mike Nelson and his robot pals
Are in orbit above:
The planet Earth, this century
Where Pearl Forrester sends them all misery
She finds bad fanfics right off the street
And she'll send them up to Mike until he bows down to her feet!
(Mike: Make it stop!)
"I'll send him cheesy stories,
The worst I can find!(lalala)
He'll have to sit and watch them all,
And I'll monitor his mind!(lalala)"
Now keep in mind Mike can't control
Which fanfic she'll send him next.(lalala)
He'll try and suffer through them all,
With the help of his robot friends!
ROBOT ROLL CALL
CAMBOT!("Hit it")
GYPSY!("Oh, my!")
TOM SERVO!("Find my eyes, I dare ya!")
CROOOOOOW!("You know you want me, baby!")
If you're wondering how he eats and breathes,
And other science facts,
Go get a degree physics,
or really just relax!
for Science Fiction Theater 1,000,000,000!
1...2...3...4...5...6...
[SOL int.] Crow, Servo, and Gypsy are wearing party hats and are next to the
time machine(from the MST episode Terror from the Year 5000) and party
decorations are strung all over the place. There's a cake on the counter that
says "To Mike from the 'Bots". It's not very well-made, and frosting is all
over
the counter.
SERVO: Hello, and welcome to the Satelite of Love. It's party time today
because-
CROW: Shhhhhh! He's coming!
[Mike walks in from the left.]
MIKE: Hey, guys. What's all this?
BOTS: SURPRISE!
[Confetti and streamers are sent down to rain on Mike.
The bots make "congratulations"s and "He's a jolly good fellow"s.]
MIKE: Well, I'm really flattered, but...why?
CROW: Acording to my calculator, we have reached the landmark day of exactly 4
and a half years.
MIKE: So?
SERVO: Mike, this means you've been here exactly as long as Joel now!
MIKE: Really? I wasn't really keeping track...
GYPSY: I had this idea to throw a party for you.
CROW: And I had this idea to bake a cake!
[Mike takes a look at the hastily-made cake with one already used candle.]
MIKE: Uh...thanks. I think.
SERVO: Come on, Mike, blow out the candle and make a wish!
[Mike blows out the candle.]
CROW: What did you wish? To get us back to Earth?
SERVO: For world peace?
GYPSY: For a dishwashing liquid that doesn't irritate your hands?
MIKE: No, I wished for Natalie Imbruglia to win Best Recording Artist at the
Grammys.
[The 'Bots moan]
-commercial sign-
MIKE: And I wished that we'd be right back.
[commercial]
[SOL int.] Mike and the 'Bots are conversing.
SERVO: And, I had the idea of getting you a gift!
MIKE: The time machine? We already have that...
SERVO: It's not the time machine, Mike! It's what's going to come out of it!
MIKE: And that is?
SERVO: As a present, I'm going to bring someone from your illustrious past
here to watch today's experiment with us!
GYPSY: Yeah! And we've decided that we can't fit everyone in the theater, so
we're sending them through one or two at a time!
CROW: Okay, let's rev it up and see who's first!
[Crow punches some buttons on the time machine and smoke fills the bridge. Dr.
Forrester and TV's Frank pop out.]
DR. F: What? Where am I?
FRANK[looking around]: Say, nice paint job!
CROW: Hey! I's Dr. F and TV's Frank!
MIKE: How've you been?
DR. F[confused]: Okay, I guess.
-Mad's sign-
SERVO: Uh, oh![to mads] Get outa here! Go!
MIKE: We can't let Pearl see 'em, it might destroy the timeline!
[Castle Forrester] Pearl is sitting on a chair, weilding a knife.
PEARL: Well, well, well. I haven't forgoten, Nelson. It's been 4 1/2 years
to the date, so I've decided to let you go off easy. Your story today is the
epic poem "The Odyssey". Have a nice experiment.
[SOL]
MIKE: Gee, thanks for the gift, Mrs. F, but, I read it in 7th grade! I
remember everything about it!
CROW: Mike, you can't even remember what color socks you wore yesterday!
MIKE: Of course I can remember! It's the greatest poem of all time!
GYPSY: Your socks?
MIKE: No, The Odyssey!
SERVO: Okay, then, what's it about?
MIKE: It's about this love affair between this guy Romeo and this girl,
Juliet, and...
[Mads enter, Dr. F looks at Cambot]
DR. F: Was that mummy?
-movie sign-
ALL: AAAHHHH! WE GOT MOVIE SIGN!
6...5...4...3...2...1...
[Crow, Mike, Servo, TV's Frank, and Dr. F enter the theater and sit
respectively.]
MIKE[to mads]: You're going to love this guys.
FRANK: I'm already regreting it.
>The Odyssey
>by Homer
SERVO: D'oh!
>translated by Robert Fitzgerald
>(In the opening verses, Homer
SERVO: D'oh!
>addresses the muse of epic poetry.
FRANK: Muse of Epic Poetry, 396 Greene Boulevard, Springfield, New Jersey...
>He asks
DR. F: For a cup of sugar
>her help in telling the tale of Odysseus)
MIKE: Obviously, the story isn't about him.
CROW: Right.
>Sing in me, Muse, and through me tell the story of that man skilled in all
>ways of contending,
DR. F: Are you sure you're talking about Odysseus?
>the wanderer, harried for years on end, after he plundered the stronghold on
the
>proud height of Troy.
SERVO: Oh, thats right! We were supposed to read The Illiad first to get the
back story!
>He saw the townlands and learned the minds of many distant men, and
>weathered many bitter nights and days in his deep heart at sea,
MIKE: So all of a sudden Odysseus is Christopher Columbus?
>while he fought only to save his life, to bring his shipmates home.
>But not by will nor valor could he save them,
>for their own recklessness destroyed them all-
FRANK: Dummies.
>children and fools, they killed and feasted on the cattle of Lord Helios, the
Sun,
>and he who moves all day through heaven took from their eyes the dawn of their
>return.
CROW: He just told us the ending!
DR. F: Yeah! Thanks for spoiling it for us!
>Of these adventures, Muse, daughter of Zeus,
MIKE: Now, how much trouble is it to say: "Muse, could you help me tell these
suckers about that idiot Odysseus? Thanks."
>tell us in our time, lift the great song again.
>
>
>Part One: The Adventures of Odysseus
>Sailing from Troy
>
>(Ten years after the Trojan War, Odysseus departs from the goddess Calypso's
>Island. He arrives in Phaeacia,
FRANK: How do we pronounce that?
>ruled by Alcinous. Alcinous offers a ship to Odysseus and asks him to tell of
>his adventures.)
>"I am Laertes' son, Odysseus.
MIKE: We know that already!
>Men hold me
CROW[as Alcinous]: Look, we didn't need to know THAT about you! Jeez!
>formidable for guile in peace and war:
>this fame has gone abroad to the sky's rim.
SERVO: I don't mean to be picky, but, shouldn't a song rhyme?
>My home is on the peaked sea-mark of Ithaca
>under Mount Neion's wind-blown robe of leaves,
>in sight of other islands-Dulichium,
>Same, wooded Zacynthus-Ithaca
>being most lofty in that coastal sea,
>and northwest, while the rest lie east and south.
>A rocky isle, but good for a boy's training;
SERVO[as Alcinous]: Look, just tell your stupid story and leave!
>I shall not see on earth a place more dear,
>though I have been detained long by Calypso,
>loveliest among goddesses, who held me
DR. F: Stop telling us about your love life!
>in her smooth caves,
[all make gaging sounds]
>to be her heart's delight.
>as Circe of Aeaea, the enchantress,
>desired me, and detained me in her hall.
MIKE: This story is getting a little detained, too.
>But in my heart I never gave consent.
>Where shall a man find sweetness to surpass
MIKE[TV anouncer]: That of Hershey's Kisses.
>his own home and his parents? In far lands
>he shall not, though he find a house of gold.
CROW: That's good enough for me!
>What of my sailing, then, from Troy?
>What of those years of rough adventure, weathered under Zeus?
MIKE: I think that will cover the topic for this section, on to the next one,
please.
>The wind that carried us from Ilium
>brought me to Ismarus, on the far shore,
>a strongpoint on the coast of Cicones.
>I stormed that place
FRANK: What, he makes the weather now?
CROW: Maybe he has Storm on his ship.
>and killed the men who fought.
>Plunder we took,
DR. F: Sounds like Yoda.
>and we enslaved the women,
SERVO[as Yoda]: The women we enslaved, you mean. The Force helped us, it did.
>to make division, equal shares to all-
>but on the spot I told them: 'Back, and quickly!
>Out to sea again!'
CROW: They made a sequel!
>my men were mutinous,
MIKE: See? He *is* Christopher Columbus!
>fools, on stores of wine. Sheep after sheep
>they butchered by the surf,
[All make surf music]
>and shambling cattle,
>feasting,-while fugitives went inland,
FRANK: So they're a bunch of Harison Fords?
>running
>to call to arms the main force of Cicones.
>This was an army, trained to fight on horseback
>or, where the ground required, on foot. They came
>with drawn over that terrain
DR. F: Ah, landscape artists.
>like the leaves
>and blades of spring. So doom appeared to us,
>dark word of Zeus for us, our evil days.
MIKE: And they all died, the end.
>My men stood up and made a fight of it-
>backed on the ships, with lances kept in play,
>from bright morning through the blaze of noon
>holding our beach,
DR. F: If they were busy holding the beach, how could they fight?
>although so far outnumbered;
>but when the sun passed toward unyoking time,
ALL: Huh?
>then the Achaeans, one by one, gave way.
MIKE: Who are they?
>Six benches were left empty in every ship
>that evening when we pulled away from death.
CROW: And we then donated them to the production company of Forest Gump.
>And this new greif we bore with us to sea:
>our lives we had,
SERVO[as Yoda]: But desert us, the Force did.
>but not our friends.
>No ship made sail next day until some shipmate
>had raised a cry, three times, for each poor ghost unfleshed by the Cicones on
> that field.
>
>The Lotus-Eaters
>
MIKE: Odysseus visits Japan on the next episode of The Odyssey.
>Now Zeus the lord of cloud roused in the north
>a storm against the ships, and driving veils
>of squall moved down like night on land and sea.
>The bows went plunging at the gust; sails
>cracked and lashed out strips in the big wind.
>We saw death in that fury,
SERVO: He saw doom with the Cicones, now he sees death in a storm. I
think this Odysseus character is a little paranoid.
MIKE: Don't be too rough on the guy. He just finished the Trojan War. He
deserves to be a little on-edge.
>dropped the yards,
>unshipped the oars, and pulled for the nearest lee:
CROW: Now he's using figurative language to tell us what happened with him and
his wife the night before he left for Troy!
MIKE: Crow!
>then two long days and nights we lay offshore
>worn out and sick at heart, tasting our grief,
FRANK: Eeew. Grief tastes yucky.
>until a third Dawn came with ringlets shining.
DR. F: Why did he capitalize dawn?
MIKE: That's probably the name of Odysseus' girlfriend, and he decided to put
it in.
CROW: Actually, I think it's just Robert's bad translation job.
>Then we put up our masts, hauled sail, and rested,
>letting the steersmen and the breeze take over.
>
>I might have made it safely home, that time,
CROW: What about the rest of your crew?
>but as I came around Malea the current
>took me out to sea,
MIKE: This guy has a little self-centered ego problem.
CROW: What do you expect? It's Odysseus.
>and from the north
>a fresh gale drove me on, past Cythera.
>Nine days I drifted on the teeming sea
>before dangerous high winds. Upon the tenth
FRANK: we rested.
>we came to the coastline of the Lotus-Eaters,
>who live upon that flower. We landed there
>to take on water
DR. F: That's pretty stupid.
>All ships' companies
>mustered alongside for the midday meal.
CROW: aka lunch.
>Then I sent out two picked men and a runner
>to learn what race of men that land sustained.
>They fell in, soon enough, with Lotus-Eaters,
>who showed no will to do us harm, only
>offering the sweet Lotus to our friends-
>but those who ate this honeyed plant, the Lotus,
CROW: Fell in love with the next person they see, be it ounce, or cat, or
bear,
pard, or boar with bristled hair...
>never cared to report, nor to return:
>they longed to stay forever, browsing on
SERVO: the internet.
>that native bloom, forgetful of their homeland.
>I drove them,
CROW: to Grandma's.
>all three wailing, to the ships,
>tied them down under their rowing benches,
>and called the rest
MIKE: on my cellular phone.
>'All hands aboard;
>come. clear the beach and no one taste
>the Lotus, or you lose your hope of home.'
>Filling in to their places by the rowlocks
>my oarsmen dipped their long oars in the surf,
>and we moved out again on our seafaring.
MIKE: And it's time for us to cast off as well.
[Mike, Servo, Crow, Frank, and Dr. F leave the theater.]
1...2...3...4...5...6...
[SOL int.] Mike, Crow, Servo, and the mads are on the bridge. Servo is in
front of the
counter, closer to Cambot, eating a Lotus flower. Mike and Crow are saying
goodbye to the Mads.
CROW: Take care, you guys.
MIKE: And we forgive you for sending us all those bad movies.
CROW[angrily to Mike]: No we don't. What do you mean?
MIKE: Well, sorry.
DR. F: Goodbye, Mike, 'Bots.
MIKE[to Tom]: Servo, don't you want to say goodbye to the Mads?
[The Mads get in the time machine and leave. Servo keeps eating.]
CROW: I think Servo's been infected by the Lotus flower, Mike.
MIKE: Uh-oh. Servo, you have to finish reading the Odyssey with us.
SERVO[entranced]: But, Mike, I want to stay and eat the Lotus flower for ever
and ever and ever.
MIKE: Well, you can't.
CROW: Come on, Servo.
SERVO: No.
-commercial sign-
Mike: We'll be right back.
[Mike suddenly dives over the counter and grabs Servo, knocking the button
controls off.
Servo screams.]
MIKE: Let that plant go, man!
SERVO[panicky/whiny]: But I want to finish eating the Lotus flower! Waaahh!
[commercials]
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(#90212)
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