[MISTING] "The SECRET FLAW!" (Director's Cut)
Tirran
used Hotmail account when I noticed that there were a number of... well,
you'll see. Suffice it to say that the situation was pretty unusual. In
and of themselves the messages weren't especially MiSTable, but the
cumulative effect... well, judge for yourselves...
BTW, an earlier (and very slightly different) version of this email
spam was MiSTed by Matt Blackwell and can be seen at
http://pinky.wtower.com/mst3k/archive/average_person.MB.txt ; it's
pretty good, and takes a somewhat different approach to making sport of
the message.
"The SECRET FLAW!" (Director's Cut)
MiSTing by: Ron "Tirran" Orr [griz...@vianet.on.ca]
February 7, 2000
Disclaimers:
MST3K and all its characters, etc., are (c) Copyright Best
Brains Inc., who are each and every one fine, upstanding ladies
and gentlemen. This MiSTing is in no way endorsed by Best
Brains (though MiSTings in general are more or less tacitly
approved by them.) It may be distributed freely and read widely
as long as it is reproduced in its entirety and this notice is
intact, and I mean _intact,_ people.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for
entertainment/parody purposes only; no infringement on the
original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains Inc. or by
the creator of the material MiSTed is intended or should be
inferred.
This MiSTing is intended as humorous commentary, and not a
direct attack on those MiSTed. In fact, if I'm ever in New
Hampshire, I'll probably drop by the World Currency Cartel
office and say hello.
A tip of the chapeau to Jim Gadfly for looking this over and
saying nice things about it. ;)
Mean-spirited commentary, pointless whinging and other sorts of
six-year-old behaviour will be given all the attention it
deserves. I don't insist on unrestrained praise (tho it's always
good to get, hint, hint) but the opposite is _quite_
unnecessary.
************************************************************************
[usual opening gubbins]
[SOL Interior - or is it?
[In the background is a large photomural depicting a tropical
beach. We hear the sounds of surf and seagulls and distant
Hawaiian music.
[Lounging comfortably in beach chairs are MIKE, CROW, SERVO and
GYPSY. All are wearing sunglasses, and all have exotic drinks in
coconut shells beside them. Everyone looks content - much more
so than you'd expect.]
GYPSY: Mikey? Freshen my drink?
SERVO: Mine too?
CROW: And mine!
MIKE: [good-naturedly] OK, OK, keep your paintjobs on. I've only got
two arms, you know!
SERVO: That beats me!
[Everyone laughs pleasantly. MIKE collects everyone's drinks
and carries them off.]
SERVO: [after a moment] So, Crow, how long is it?
CROW: Isn't that kind of a personal question?
[More laughter]
SERVO: No, you goofball! I mean, how long has it been?
[Once again, everyone breaks into laughter.]
GYPSY: C'mon, you guys!
CROW: Alright, alright... Seriously? Thirty-five days, eighteen
hours, twelve minutes and seven seconds.
MIKE: [entering with the drinks] Wow... time really _does_ fly when
you're having fun!
SERVO: Yeah. In fact, I've got so used to ol' Clayton's twisted
experiments that I kinda miss 'em now!
[Everyone looks in astonishment at him.]
SERVO: Hah! GOTCHA!
[more laughter, the amusement of the truly free, and then
everyone calms down and gently enters a quiet state of reverie]
MIKE: Still, though...
CROW: What?
MIKE: I wonder... do you think something's happened to him?
SERVO: Who cares?
MIKE: It's not like him to just up and leave us alone like this. Even
when he doesn't have some mind-warping experiment to subject us
to, at least he calls us up to gloat every now and again.
TOM: Well, he isn't. Why spoil it worrying? Just put a bit more rum
in your Pina Colada and relax!
MIKE: I... I can't. I have to find out what's going on. [exits. A
tape deck clunks and the background sound stops.]
CROW: [to SERVO and GYPSY] I got a feeling vacation's over, gang.
[SOL bridge.
[MIKE has removed his sunglasses. He presses the Mads button,
with a certain degree of trepidation.]
[DEEP 13
[The place looks deserted - not damaged, but very much unused.
Dust and cobwebs cover everything, and the lights are dimmed.
[DR FORRESTER shuffles into view. He is wearing a tatty
housecoat and fuzzy pink flip-flops; an incongruous note is the
lab coat he wears over it.]
DR F: Hmm? Who is it?
[SOL]
MIKE: It's me, Dr. Forrester. Mike? Mike Nelson?
[DEEP 13]
DR F: Mm? Oh, right, Nelson. Up in that satellite thingy. What do you
want?
[SOL]
MIKE: Well... we hadn't heard from you in a while, and I was worried.
[pause] What's happened to you?
[DEEP 13]
DR F: I'm gonna tell you, Nelson - I give up. I've been subjecting
you and your predecessor to the worst mind-destroying material
ever created by the hand of Man, and nothing has worked. I give
up. No more experiments. I've failed.
[SOL. MIKE is flabbergasted, as are SERVO and CROW, who have
come to join him.]
MIKE: This is... umm... I don't know what to say!
[DEEP 13]
DR F: [shrugging] Like I care. Just leave me to my misery, Nelson.
And don't call any more. [He reaches for his own control panel]
[SOL]
MIKE: [frantically] WAIT! Dr. Forrester... what about us?
[DEEP 13]
DR F: What _about_ you?
[SOL]
MIKE: Well... if the experiment is over... can I go home now? Back to
Earth?
[DEEP 13]
DR F: Sure, if you want. I don't care.
[SOL]
MIKE: [panicking] But how? If I could have left I would have
already!
[DEEP 13]
DR F: I told you, Nelson, I just don't care any more. Stay, go, what
difference is it to me, a total failure as an evil genius?
[SOL. MIKE is almost in tears]
MIKE: [to the BOTS] I've gotta do something! If he cuts us off, I'll
be marooned here forever!
SERVO: It's not so bad, is it? I mean, you've got _us._
CROW: And think of the back pay at Happy Temps you're accumulating!
MIKE: But I won't have any food or air, or my monthly subscription
to... err... well, it just won't be fun at all! Look, I have an
idea... play along, OK?
CROW: [uncertainly] Well, OK...
MIKE: [to DR F] Look, maybe it's not hopeless. You did come pretty
close a few times, after all.
TOM: Manos!
CROW: Time Speeder!
GYPSY: [off-camera] The Hellsent FAQ!
MIKE: Maybe you could, I dunno, try one last time? As a final
farewell to your old life?
SERVO: [sotto voce] Mike! What are you _doing?_
MIKE: [same, to SERVO] Look, Tom, if we can temporarily revive his
spirits, just a bit, maybe we can get him to send up a shuttle
to take us to Earth!
CROW: Err... Mike, did you ever actually study psychiatry?
MIKE: No, but I've seen every episode of 'The Bob Newheart Show' at
least three times.
SERVO: Good Lord deliver us...
[DEEP 13]
DR F: One last time... one last time... [he seems to gather a trace
of his old resolve] Well, why not? Old times' sake, eh? [He
begins to rummage thru a dusty stack of floppies, eventually
selecting one with a torn label.] I don't really know what's on
this one. It's a bunch of stuff that came off of my Hotmail
account, some kind of spam or something. It's probably pretty
bad... I guess...
[SOL]
MIKE: [with patently artificial heartiness] That's the spirit, Doc!
Sock it to us!
CROW: Mike...
MIKE: [ignoring CROW] C'mon, Doc! Nail us to the wall! Yeah!
SERVO: C'mon! Hit us with your best shot!
CROW: [to SERVO] Hey, don't _you_ start encouraging him!
[DEEP 13]
DR F: All right, all right, knock it off. You asked for it, you got
it. Now stop _bugging_ me!
[SOL. Lights flash, sirens sound, divers alarums and excursions]
ALL: [flatly] We have email sign. Oh, no.
CROW: This better work, Nelson. That was demeaning to watch...
- 6 -
- 5 -
- 4 -
- 3 -
- 2 -
- 1 -
[Inside theater. The screen lights up with the projected image
of a computer screen]
MIKE: Let's just roll with this one and go, OK? Guys?
CROW: OK...
SERVO: OK...
MIKE: Good. Just like we always do.
CROW: [muttering] This better work...
> From: first...@aol.com
> To: <Undisclosed Recipients>
MIKE: Oh, come on!
SERVO: Yeah, you can tell us!
> Subject: Large Income By Way Of The Secret Flaw In The Currency Market!!!
SERVO: Looks like we're gonna have to pull all the plasterboard to get
at that crack. Gonna run you three, four big ones easy.
> Date: Sun, 14 Nov 1999 11:41:17 -0400
>
>Dear Friend:
CROW: It's an old Firesign Theatre sketch?
>
>If you have already responded to the following announcement a
>few days ago, that means your package is already on its way
>and it should be arriving soon!
SERVO: Oh, good. I'm getting bored with hanging around the mailbox all
day.
> If you have not responded to
>this before, please pay attention to it now. This is very
>important!!!
CROW: If you _insist._
>
>!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MIKE: That hedge really could use a bit of trimming...
>
>IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT
>IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT
CROW: So it's important, is it?
SERVO: That seems to be the gist of it.
>
>'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
>'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
SERVO: I think the border of little rocks adds a nice finishing touch
to the front walk, don't you?
CROW: Somebody's been watching House and Garden TV, I see.
>
>Your future May Depend on it !
MIKE: For something so important and portentous...
CROW: Yeah, you'd think he'd've actually told us what it's about by
now.
>
>!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SERVO: That does it! I'm taking out all the Chinese Elm and putting in
English Yew!
CROW: Mike, can you set a V-chip to censor out landscaping shows?
MIKE: Already on it, Crow.
>
>Before you know about this 'Important Announcement',
CROW: Oh, you _tease!_
> you must
>first read the following 'Editorial Excerpts' from some
>important publications in the United States:
SERVO: Weekly World News?
CROW: Soap Opera Digest?
MIKE: XXX Cinema Monthly?
[The bots turn slowly to look at MIKE.]
MIKE: What?
>
>NEW YORK TIMES: "In concluding our review of Financial
>organizations to effect change in the 90's, special attention
>should be called to a California based organization, 'WORLD
>CURRENCY CARTEL'.
SERVO: [as reporter] We particularly call your attention to their
pretentious name.
> Members of this organization are amassing
>hundred of millions of dollars in the currency market using a
>very LEGAL method which has NEVER been divulged to the general
>public.
SERVO: [still as reporter] And it never occurred to us to find out.
Boy, are _our_ faces red!
> While their purpose is not yet known,
MIKE: Gee, do you think their name might hold a clue?
> their presence
>has most certainly been felt".
CROW: Particularly among conspiracy theorists the world over.
>
>NBC NIGHTLY NEWS: "Members of 'World Currency Cartel', who
>always keep a low profile,
SERVO: As evidenced by their mention on this national newscast...
> are considered to be some of the
>most wealthiest people in North America".
MIKE: "Most wealthiest"?
CROW: Boy, NBC's newswriters have really let themselves go.
>
>More excerpts later, but first let us give you this very
>"IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT":
>
>'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
>'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
>'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
>'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
CROW: Maybe if we can get over this fence, he'll tell us what this
_very important announcement IS!_
MIKE: Calm down, calm down...
>
>We are glad to announce that for the first time and for a very
>short period of time, WORLD CURRENCY CARTEL will instruct a
>LIMITED number of people worldwide on 'HOW TO CONVERT $25 INTO
>ONE HUNDRED OF LEGAL CURRENCY'.
CROW: Is this the important announcement?
SERVO: I'd say so.
CROW: Gee, it doesn't seem _that_ important.
MIKE: And it doesn't say one hundred _what._
CROW: Yeah. If it's lire, it isn't that good a deal.
MIKE: Or Canadian dollars.
> We will transact the first
>conversion for you,
CROW: Since we don't trust you to do it right and you'll probably
mess it up, you incompetent boobs.
> after that you can easily and quickly do
>this on your own hundreds or even thousands of times every
>month.
CROW: Until you get caught.
> TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THIS "SECRET FLAW"!
SERVO: _What_ flaw?
CROW: _What_ secret?
MIKE: I think you guys are starting to take this thing too seriously.
>
>*****************************************************************
>*****************************************************************
SERVO: [veddy British] Now I'd like you chaps to line up along this
trench, and when the Hun come across No-Man's-Land, we'll give
them a jolly good thrashing, eh what?
>
>It is even more explosive than we have yet disclosed.
SERVO: We never did figure out which wires we were supposed to cut.
CROW: So we have to keep this email moving above 50 miles an hour.
> While
>currency does fluctuate daily, we can show you 'HOW TO CONVERT
>$99 INTO $588 AS MANY TIMES AS YOU WANT'.
SERVO: Hmm... by my figuring, $99 goes into $588 5.94 times.
CROW: What does this have to do with converting $25 into $100?
MIKE: Well... maybe those long lines of punctuation represent
paradigm shifts?
CROW: [long pause] Do you have _any_ idea what you're talking about?
MIKE: [meekly] No...
> That means, you will
>be able to EXCHANGE $99, AMERICAN LEGAL CURRENCY DOLLARS,
>FOR $580 OF THE SAME.
CROW: And somebody will still owe you $8.
SERVO: And you'll have to keep bugging 'em until they pay you back.
CROW: Which reminds me...
MIKE: Shh! Not now!
> You can do this as many times as you wish,
>every day, every week, every month. All very LEGAL and
>effortlessly!
SERVO: 'Effortlessly' what?
MIKE: He oughta check in his pockets for the missing adjective.
>
>It takes only 5 to 10 minutes each time you do this. You can do
>this from home, office or even while traveling.
CROW: Though doing it while driving south on I-75 is probably a bad
idea.
SERVO: Especially the bit in Georgia.
> All you need is
>an access to a phone line and an address.
SERVO: Would James Cameron's address do?
MIKE: [sternly] This is neither the time nor the place for that.
> Best of all, you can
>do this from ANY CITY ON THIS EARTH!!!
MIKE: But unfortunately not from cities on Earth-2.
CROW: [aside, to SERVO] Maybe we should get him the full run of
"Crisis on Infinite Earths" for his birthday.
SERVO: [to CROW] Is that really a kindness?
CROW: [to SERVO] Right... no point shattering his illusions.
>
>Again, we must reiterate, anyone can do this and the source is
>NEVER-ENDING.
SERVO: Yeah, if the government runs out of money while you're doing
this, they can just print more.
> For as long as the global financial community
>continues to use different currencies with varying exchange
>rates, the "SECRET FLAW" will exist.
CROW: Mike?
MIKE: Hmm?
CROW: Do they really think that varying currency exchange rates are a
_secret?_
MIKE: It does seem to be unknown by most Washington economists.
SERVO: Good point.
>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
SERVO: [announcer, with a nice echoing effect] Annnnnd... Bigfoot
CLEARS the first line of cars!
>
>As we said earlier , we will do the first transaction for you
>and will show you exactly how to do this on your own, over
>and over again!
CROW: There seems to be a 'repetition' theme in this email.
SERVO: Yes, there seems to be a 'repetition' theme.
CROW: And much repetition.
SERVO: And a certain amount of rep...
MIKE: OK, OK, we get it, we get it.
CROW: Yeah, we get it.
SERVO: Yeah, we...
MIKE: ENOUGH!
BOTS: [contritely] sorry...
>
>The amount of exchange you would do each time is entirely up to
>you.
CROW: Gee, I think I'll only exchange a hundred thousand today, cuz I
gotta clean out the catbox before the little woman gets home.
> Working just 2 to 10 hours a week, you can soon join the
>list of Millionaires who do this on a daily basis many times a
>day.
SERVO: Many of them work out of the Department of Redundancy
Department.
CROW: Didn't we declare a moratorium on that joke?
SERVO: Umm... let me check my diary...
> The transaction is so simple that even a high school kid
>can do it!
SERVO: Even ones who are too young to legally make financial
transactions!
MIKE: I dunno, though... given the current state of SAT scores, is
that something you really want to go on record with?
>
>We at the World Currency Cartel would like to see a uniform
>global currency backed by Gold.
CROW: Because _we're_ the ones who _own_ all the gold!
SERVO: World Currency Cartel. Chairman, Mr. Auric Goldfinger.
> But, until then, we will allow
>a LIMITED number of individuals worldwide to share in the
>UNLIMITED PROFITS provided for by the world currency
>differentials.
MIKE: Yes! Only by joining us will you be allowed to make money from
world currency differentials! Only we know the secret!
CROW: You're not allowed to share in the unlimited profits unless you
belong to our club!
SERVO: Yeah! And no girls are allowed! Girls are icky!
GYPSY: [off camera] I heard that!
ALL: Uh, oh...
>
>We will espouse no more political views nor will we ask you to
>do so.
CROW: But we _will_ expect you to contribute heavily to the Republican
Party election slush fund.
> We can say however, that our parent organization, CILS,
>benefits greatly by the knowledge being shared, as we ourselves,
>along with YOU, benefit likewise.
MIKE: You scratch our backs, we scratch yours.
> Your main concern surely will
>be, how you will benefit.
SERVO: CILS benefits, they benefit, we benefit.
CROW: Declining 'benefit,' Servo?
SERVO: I think I decline to benefit.
[long pause]
MIKE: Nope, it just doesn't go anywhere after that.
>
>As soon as you become a member, you will make transactions from
>your home, office, by telephone or through the mail. You can
>conduct these transactions even while traveling.
CROW: Cabbie, let me off at the next corner. I have to turn $99 into
$588 by exploiting the SECRET FLAW!
>
>Don't believe us? Experience it for yourself!
MIKE: I once got a phone-sex spam that said that exact same thing.
>
>;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;
CROW: For some reason that one makes me think of the Rockettes.
>
>Unlike anyone else, we will assure you great financial freedom
SERVO: Oh, right. No-one who sends out spam _ever_ promises financial
freedom.
>and you will add to our quickly growing base of supporters and
>join the list of MILLIONAIRES being created using this very
>"SECRET FLAW" in the world currency market.
SERVO: [McCarthy-esque] I HAVE HERE A LIST!
MIKE: I'm not sure the aims of the Communist Party and the
manipulation of currency exchange rates for personal profit are
at all compatible.
CROW: [pause] Wow, you got that all out in one breath!
SERVO: And it's even marginally relevant!
CROW: You've been saving that one up, right?
MIKE: Well, yeah, I... hey!
>
>*****************************************************************
>*****************************************************************
SERVO: After all these ASCII dividers, you begin to long for the quiet
dignity of embedded HTML.
>
>DON'T ENVY US, JOIN US TODAY!!!
CROW: Envy you?
MIKE: Well, they _do_ dress awful nice.
SERVO: And they smell good.
MIKE: And they drive new BMWs.
SERVO: And they get to date supermodels.
[pause]
MIKE: I guess we _do_ envy them.
[silent nods of agreement from the BOTS]
>
>'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
>'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
>'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
>'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
>'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
MIKE: Hmm... a high-altitude picture of the stadium parking lot
during Superbowl XXXIV?
>
>There is a one time membership fee of only $195. BUT, if you
>join us by November 15, 1999 date ,
CROW: Mmm... nope, I can't think of any context for 'November 15,
1999' _except_ 'date.'
> you can join us
>for only $25 administrative cost.
CROW: Which, of course, they will immediately turn into $100 using the
SECRET FLAW!
SERVO: That's getting a bit closer to hysteria than I'm comfortable
with...
> Your important documents,
>instructions, contact name/address, phone number and all
>other pertinent information will be mailed to you immediately.
CROW: In a plain brown wrapper.
>So take advantage of our Anniversary date and join us today.
SERVO: [Lucille Ball] Oh, Ricky, you remembered!
CROW: First they cut the fee, then they offer to take us out to
dinner and a movie for our anniversary. I'm beginning to wonder
about their true motives...
>
>(If you are replying after November 15, you must pay $195.00 for
>the membership fee. NO EXCEPTIONS,
CROW: Not one. Nope. Not now, not ever, never!
SERVO: Not even if we ask really nice?
CROW: Nope.
SERVO: Pretty please? With sugar and a cherry on top?
CROW: Mmm..... well, maybe...
> and no more E-mail
>inquiries please).
SERVO: Yeah, quit buggin' us.
MIKE: And it's not like we ever look at the mail we get at these
throwaway email addresses anyway.
>
>Upon becoming a member, you promise to keep all info
>CONFIDENTIAL!
CROW: Or else it won't be a SECRET!
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SERVO: Somebody's typing finger must be getting tired.
>Should you choose to cancel your membership for any reason, you
>must return all papers/documents for a refund of your purchase
>price within 30 days.
CROW: And promise to never again make money using this SECRET FLAW!
MIKE: [worriedly] Someone's getting a bit too much into the spirit of
the thing.
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MIKE: Yes, a definite lack of enthusiasm here.
>
>IMPORTANT:
SERVO: What, more?
>
>****************
CROW: Wow. Definitely lame.
SERVO: Yeah, definitely.
>
>1...Please write your name & mailing address VERY CLEARLY on a
>paper
SERVO: We would suggest the NEW YORK TIMES.
>2...Below your mailing address, please write your E-mail address
CROW: Because we have a side business selling addresses of chumps like
you to bulk email companies.
>3...At the top left hand corner, please write the words "NEW
>MEMBER"
SERVO: If you write "OLD MEMBER" it'll confuse the staff.
CROW: Who is probably one high school kid too dumb to exploit the
SECRET FLAW!
SERVO: One day you're gonna have to tell me how you get your voice to
do that.
>4...Attach a CHECK for $25 + $10 for the shipping and handling
>of documents (TOTAL = $35.00) PAYABLE TO "OWPN" and FAX it to:
CROW: Wait a minute... since when can you fax cheques?
>
>\tab \tab 603-462-9290
ALL: AHHHH! MSWord SIGN!
>
>(Note: We are ONLY accepting CHECK-BY-FAX as a form of payment
>at this time. We WILL be able to cash the check you send us
>by fax, you do not need to mail us a check.
MIKE: Not like we're gonna give you a valid mailing address anyway.
CROW: Yeah, them Treasury Department boys is awful per-sistant.
> If your check is
>dark, please PRINT ALL OF THE INFORMATION ON THE CHECK
>ONTO THE PAPER YOU ARE FAXING US so that it is clearly legible!)
CROW: We don't want to have to answer all sorts of awkward
questions when we scam this past the teller at the bank.
>Please allow 2-4 weeks for delivery. No shipments will be made until
>the check has cleared.
MIKE: Which, despite the world-wide networking of bank computers
designed to speed transactions, still seems to take forever, just
like in the 1800s.
CROW: Yeah. It's like, I dunno, they don't trust each other or
something.
SERVO: Go figure, eh?
>
>\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\
}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}
>\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\
}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}
CROW: Woof... talk about over-compensating.
MIKE: You think somebody heard you back there?
>
>Here are some more 'Editorial Excerpts':
SERVO: With all date and editorial attributes carefully deleted, as
before.
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MIKE: Ah, OK. Maybe they hired a temp to write that last divider.
>
>WALL STREET:
SERVO: "WALL STREET" _what?_ Journal? Week? Fashion Quarterly?
> "A discreet group of Americans, operating under the
>guise of World Currency Cartel have recently begun making rumbles
>in world finance market.
CROW: I doubt it's the Wall Street Journal, unless _their_ editorial
standards are slipping too.
> While at this time, their game is
>not completely known, they certainly will be watched by those
>making major moves in the currency contracts".
MIKE: Doesn't this one sound like they've been cribbing copy
from the Times?
>
>FINANCIAL WEEK: "Watch them, monitor them, extract their
>knowledge and try to become one of them.
SERVO: Suck up to them, wash their cars, shine their shoes...
CROW: Kiss their...
MIKE: Excuse me?
CROW: I was _going_ to say 'boots,' Mrs. Grundy.
> That is the
>soundest financial advice we could give to anyone".
SERVO: We don't think 'Save for a rainy day' sounds sexy enough any
more.
>
>NATIONAL BUSINESS WEEKLY: "While this reporter has been left in
>the cold as to its method of operation,
CROW: Ah, another hard-hitting investigative journalist.
> we have been able to
>confirm that 'World Currency Cartel' and its members are
>literally amassing great fortunes overnight".
SERVO: Yeah, we faxed 'em, and they faxed back, 'We're literally
amassing great fortunes overnight.' And they wouldn't lie, cuz
they're real rich an' everything.
>
>If you received this email in error, please accept our
>apologies.
CROW: Throw in a box of candy and it's a deal.
> If you wish to be removed from the list, email us
>at,geoj...@usa.net for immediate removal.
MIKE: And our fleet of garbage trucks will be at your curb within the
hour.
>
>Thanks,
>OWPN
SERVO: I'll bet he got teased all the time at school, with a name
like that.
MIKE: Now don't jump to conclusions.
CROW: Yeah, maybe he's Welsh.
>
>$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$END$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
CROW: Ooh, let me guess. This is like one of those Magic Eye puzzles,
right?
MIKE: I see the word 'END'!
SERVO: I see a pony!
MIKE: [pause] I think you'd better get your optical circuits
adjusted.
[exit theater]
- 1 -
- 2 -
- 3 -
- 4 -
- 5 -
- 6 -
[SOL bridge.]
MIKE: [punching at the mads button] Doc? You there?
[DEEP 13}
DR F: [unchanged from before] Nelson? So, what was it?
[SOL]
MIKE: Pretty weird, sir. Something about the 'World Currency Cartel.'
Definitely twisted.
[DEEP 13]
DR F: 'World Currency Cartel,' eh? Sounds like one of Mother's little
projects. [He titters weakly.] But it doesn't sound like it's
even come close to breaking your spirits...
[SOL]
MIKE: What? Oh, no! I mean, umm, we were, umm...
[DEEP 13]
DR F: [with a trace of his old fire] No, Mikey, you little weasel,
I'm not going to let you off this last time _quite_ so easily!
I'm going to send you the next message on this disk! Now!
[SOL]
CROW: Nice going, Mike.
[Lights flash again]
ALL: Email sign!
CROW: Twice in one day...
- 6 -
- 5 -
- 4 -
- 3 -
- 2 -
- 1 -
[Inside theater. The screen lights up.]
> From: histor...@aol.com
> To: <Undisclosed Recipients>
SERVO: Again?
MIKE: Well, let me ask you something - if _you_ were spamming Hotmail
accounts, would _you_ admit it in public?
> Subject: The Secret Flaw In Currency Exchange The Big Guys Don't Want You
To Know!!!
CROW: What, this again?
> Date: Tue, 16 Nov 1999 19:05:38 -0400
>
>Dear Friend:
>
>If you have already responded to the following announcement a
>few days ago, that means your package is already on its way
>and it should be arriving soon! If you have not responded to
>this before, please pay attention to it now. This is very
>important!!!
MIKE: That's what they all say.
SERVO: Umm, Mike?
>
>!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>
>IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT
>IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT
>
>'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
>'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
>
>Your future May Depend on it !
SERVO: MIKE!
MIKE: Hmm? What?
>
>!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>
>Before you know about this 'Important Announcement', you must
>first read the following 'Editorial Excerpts' from some
>important publications in the United States:
SERVO: Doesn't this look kinda... familiar?
>
>NEW YORK TIMES: "In concluding our review of Financial
>organizations to effect change in the 90's, special attention
>should be called to a California based organization, 'WORLD
>CURRENCY CARTEL'.
CROW: Hey, you're right! What's going on?
> Members of this organization are amassing
>hundred of millions of dollars in the currency market using a
>very LEGAL method which has NEVER been divulged to the general
>public. While their purpose is not yet known, their presence
>has most certainly been felt".
MIKE: Let's go, guys. I'm gonna find out what's wrong.
[exit theater]
- 1 -
- 2 -
- 3 -
- 4 -
- 5 -
- 6 -
[SOL bridge]
MIKE: Hey, Doctor F, what's going on?
[DEEP 13]
DR F: What are you babbling about, Nelson?
[SOL]
MIKE: That last email - it was identical to the first one!
[DEEP 13]
DR F: It was? Well, never mind. There's more on this disk; here comes
the next one.
[SOL]
SERVO: Mike, what are you _doing?_
MIKE: It's OK, Tom, we're just humouring him.
SERVO: [doubtful] I hope you're right...
- 6 -
- 5 -
- 4 -
- 3 -
- 2 -
- 1 -
[Inside theater.]
> From: auto...@aol.com
> To: <Undisclosed Recipients>
> Subject: The Big Guys Kept You From Knowing Of The Secret Flaw In Currency
Market!!!
CROW: Not _again!_
> Date: Tue, 23 Nov 1999 10:41:29 -0400
MIKE: Well, wait a minute. That old offer was supposed to be over by
now. Maybe this is a new one.
>
>Dear Friend:
>
>If you have already responded to the following announcement a
>few days ago, that means your package is already on its way
>and it should be arriving soon! If you have not responded to
>this before, please pay attention to it now. This is very
>important!!!
SERVO: I don't think so, Mike.
>
>!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>
>IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT
>IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT
>
>'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
>'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
>
>Your future May Depend on it !
CROW: Me neither. I think the doc is really slipping.
>
>!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MIKE: Well, look. I got you guys into this, so you head out and I'll
sit here and see if it really is just the same message again,
OK?
CROW: Deal. C'mon, chrome-dome.
SERVO: 'Chrome dome'?
[BOTS exit theater]
- 1 -
- 2 -
- 3 -
- 4 -
- 5 -
- 6 -
[INSERT COMMERCIAL HERE]
[SOL. SERVO and CROW are waiting on the bridge for MIKE, who
appears from the direction of the theater.]
SERVO: Well?
MIKE: It was the same, almost word for word. Even the same typos and
bad punctuation.
CROW: Could this be deliberate?
MIKE: I don't think he's _that_ smart...
[Mads light flashes.]
MIKE: What? I thought... [presses the lights] Doc?
[DEEP 13]
DR F: Well? How about that one?
[SOL]
MIKE: Exactly the same. It's, umm, kinda irritating, actually.
[DEEP 13]
DR F: I'm not concerned with your opinion, Marshmallow.
[SOL]
MIKE: Well... umm... are we done?
[DEEP 13]
DR F: Not hardly. I'll send you one more, then we'll see.
[SOL. Lights/sirens again]
ALL: More email sign!
- 6 -
- 5 -
- 4 -
- 3 -
- 2 -
- 1 -
[Inside theater.]
> From: yea...@aol.com
> To: <Undisclosed Recipients>
> Subject: Huge Profits With Secret Flaw In Currency Market!!!
CROW: What?!
SERVO: I don't _believe_ this!
> Date: Mon, 29 Nov 1999 17:26:31 -0400
>
>Dear Friend:
CROW: If you're my friend, WHY DO YOU KEEP BOTHERING ME LIKE THIS?
MIKE: Careful, Crow. Don't blow a gasket.
CROW: [fuming] Easy for _you_ to say, meatbag.
>
>If you have already responded to the following announcement a
>few days ago, that means your package is already on its way
>and it should be arriving soon! If you have not responded to
>this before, please pay attention to it now. This is very
>important!!!
CROW: We're _paying_ attention! We don't have any _choice_ about
paying attention!
>
>!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MIKE: OK, let's get the heck out of here. Enough is enough.
SERVO: Yeah, how many times have we said _that?_
[exit theater]
- 1 -
- 2 -
- 3 -
- 4 -
- 5 -
- 6 -
[SOL]
MIKE: I wish I knew what was going on here.
SERVO: It can't be coincidence, can it?
MIKE: Who knows? [Mads light begins to flash again] Maybe we'll
find out now.
[DEEP 13]
DR F: You can't possibly be sitting all the way through these. Not
fair, Nelson, not fair.
[SOL]
MIKE: It was another repeat. Honest!
[DEEP 13]
DR F: Really? How... curious. [ponders a moment] Well, let's forget
that one and try another, shall we?
[SOL]
CROW: I don't like where this is heading, Mike.
[Lights. Sirens. MIKE, CROW and SERVO merely look at each other,
then head to the theater.]
- 6 -
- 5 -
- 4 -
- 3 -
- 2 -
- 1 -
[Inside theater.]
> From: histor...@aol.com
> To: <Undisclosed Recipients>
> Subject: Find Out What The Banks Dont Want You to Know!!!
SERVO: Finally, something different!
MIKE: Not _very_ different, though.
> Date: Tue, 14 Dec 1999 21:02:31 -0500
>
>Dear Friend:
CROW: Uh, oh...
>
>If you have already responded to the following announcement a
>few days ago, that means your package is already on its way
>and it should be arriving soon! If you have not responded to
>this before, please pay attention to it now. This is very
>important!!!
BOTS: NELSON!
MIKE: It's not my fault! I didn't pick this thing!
CROW: We could be pretending to be in Hawaii _right this minute,_ but
_nooo,_ you had to go and play psychiatrist!
SERVO: Yeah, Nelson, this _is_ your fault!
MIKE: Alright, I'll see what I can do.
CROW: Damned straight you will!
[exit theater]
- 1 -
- 2 -
- 3 -
- 4 -
- 5 -
- 6 -
[INSERT COMMERCIAL HERE]
[SOL. Everyone is gathered around the hexfield.]
MIKE: Maybe now we'll get some answers... [he presses the
mads button again.]
[DEEP 13]
DR F: Yeeeesssss?
[SOL]
MIKE: Come on, Doc, enough is enough, OK?
[DEEP 13]
DR F: Am I to take it from your querulous tone that something is
amiss, little man?
[SOL]
MIKE: Wha? Umm... I mean, yeah, there's a problem. It happened
_again._
[DEEP 13]
DR F: Well, well, well, imagine that. Not to fret, though, I'm sure
the next one will be more to your taste.
[SOL]
MIKE: [nonplussed, and becoming suspicious] _Next_ one? Uhh... if
you say so...
CROW: Oh, you're really Mister Take-Charge today, Mike.
[usual routine with lights]
MIKE: Email...
SERVO: Don't bother, Mike.
- 6 -
- 5 -
- 4 -
- 3 -
- 2 -
- 1 -
[Inside theater.]
> From: clas...@aol.com
> To: <Undisclosed Recipients>
> Subject: The Secret Flaw The Banks Don't Want You To Know!!!
> Date: Fri, 24 Dec 1999 23:29:27 -0500
ALL: No! Not again!
CROW: This doofus doesn't even have a trace of Christmas Spirit!
SERVO: Never mind Auric Goldfinger, this thing must be run by Ebenezer
Scrooge.
[exit theater]
- 1 -
- 2 -
- 3 -
- 4 -
- 5 -
- 6 -
[SOL. Mike is about to contact Deep 13 when the Mads light
flashes.]
[DEEP 13]
DR F: I anticipated your call, Mike person. Another one on it's way.
[SOL. The lights flash. Our heroes trudge off to the theater as
if they are re-creating the Bataan Death March.]
- 6 -
- 5 -
- 4 -
- 3 -
- 2 -
- 1 -
[Inside theater.]
> From: first...@aol.com
> To: <Undisclosed Recipients>
> Subject: Secret Flaw In The World Currency Market!!!
BOTS: NELSON!
MIKE: Alright, alright...
[exit theater]
- 1 -
- 2 -
- 3 -
- 4 -
- 5 -
- 6 -
[SOL. DR F is already on the line.]
[DEEP 13]
DR F: _Again?_ This certainly beats all the odds, doesn't it? Well,
let's roll the dice again, shall we?
[SOL]
MIKE: [resignedly] I guess...
[The lights flash yet again...]
- 6 -
- 5 -
- 4 -
- 3 -
- 2 -
- 1 -
[Inside theater.]
> From: agre...@aol.com
> To: <Undisclosed Recipients>
> Subject: The Banks Don't Want You TO Know About The Secret Flaw!!!
SERVO: No. No. No. No. No...
CROW: Hey... if the banks don't want you to know about this, why do
they let this moron keep posting this message over and over?
> Date: Fri, 31 Dec 1999 19:57:27 -0500
MIKE: Maybe they were waiting for the Y2K bug to crash his system?
[exit theater]
- 1 -
- 2 -
- 3 -
- 4 -
- 5 -
- 6 -
[SOL]
CROW: Do you think it's possible? Do you think maybe this idiot's
computer went down?
MIKE: Hope springs eternal.
SERVO: Grasping at straws, aren't you, guys?
CROW: When it's all you have within reach...
[Mads light again]
MIKE: Hang on...
[DEEP 13]
DR F: Why, I'll bet there's a paper in this. Maybe even a Nobel
nomination. It surely exceeds any conceivable probability, don't
you think?
[SOL]
MIKE: [not caring, really] Yes... it really does, doesn't it?
SERVO: [to CROW] Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
CROW: [to SERVO] It's possible, but is it likely he's _that_
devious?
MIKE: [to DR F] Well, send us the next one on the disk. We think
maybe he's run out of luck.
[DEEP 13]
DR F: No sooner said, Mikester!
[SOL. Lights flash, one suddenly burning out, no doubt from
overuse...]
MIKE: Email sign. Fingers crossed, guys.
SERVO: I wish I could.
- 6 -
- 5 -
- 4 -
- 3 -
- 2 -
- 1 -
[Inside theater.]
> From: first...@aol.com
> To: <Undisclosed Recipients>
> Subject: Large Income By Way Of The Secret Flaw In The Currency Market!!!
> Date: Mon, 10 Jan 2000 21:23:21 -0500
CROW: New year. New millenium...
MIKE: Not until _next_ year, remember?
CROW: Quiet, I'm elocuting... new year, new millenium, same old crap.
SERVO: [pause] Not really in the same class as 'Four score and
seven', is it?
>
>Dear Friend:
SERVO: Quick, before we have to read it _again._
[exit theater]
- 1 -
- 2 -
- 3 -
- 4 -
- 5 -
- 6 -
[SOL]
MIKE: Well, so much for that one slim hope...
SERVO: Told you so!
CROW: C'mon, Tom, that doesn't make this any easier.
SERVO: I'm sorry. This is taking a lot out of me.
MIKE: Out of all of us.
SERVO: Yeah... strange, isn't it?
CROW: How so?
[Lights/sirens begin again]
CROW: What, no warning this time?
SERVO: Odd. Very, very odd...
- 6 -
- 5 -
- 4 -
- 3 -
- 2 -
- 1 -
[Inside theater.]
> From: musl...@aol.com
CROW: 'musletime'?
SERVO: Mmmm... nope. No matter how you think about it, it still
doesn't make any sense.
CROW: Could it be... ?
MIKE: I hardly dare to hope...
> To: <Undisclosed Recipients>
> Subject: Become Wealthy With Secret Flaw In Currency Market!!!
> Date: Sat, 15 Jan 2000 16:52:55 -0500
ALL: AAAAAAGH!
>
>Dear Friend:
ALL: Run away! Run away!
[exit theater]
- 1 -
- 2 -
- 3 -
- 4 -
- 5 -
- 6 -
[SOL. MIKE, CROW and SERVO only have a moment before the lights
flash.]
SERVO: Already?
- 6 -
- 5 -
- 4 -
- 3 -
- 2 -
- 1 -
[Inside theater.]
> From: first...@aol.com
> To: <Undisclosed Recipients>
> Subject: Secret Flaw In The World Currency Market!!!
[Without a word from anyone, SERVO's head explodes. MIKE sighs
and carries him out of the theater, followed by CROW.]
[exit theater]
- 1 -
- 2 -
- 3 -
- 4 -
- 5 -
- 6 -
[INSERT COMMERCIAL HERE]
[SOL, in front of the tropical backdrop. The chairs are gone.
MIKE is just tightening a few last screws on SERVO's new globe.]
MIKE: There we go, little buddy. Good as new.
SERVO: What's the point, Mike? You know as well as I do that we'll
just have to go back and see that _stupid message_ again!
MIKE: Maybe not, Tom. Maybe...
[The lights begin to flash.]
CROW: You'll never replace The Amazing Criswell. You know that, don't
you, Mikey?
- 6 -
- 5 -
- 4 -
- 3 -
- 2 -
- 1 -
[Inside theater.]
> From: earn...@aol.com
> To: <Undisclosed Recipients>
> Subject: Currency Market's Secret Flaw Builds Huge Incomes!!!
SERVO: No, it doesn't read any better when they rearrange the words.
CROW: How much longer? How much longer?
MIKE: I'm beginning to pine for a return visit to 'The Eye of Argon.'
CROW: [is about to speak, but stops] No, I can't. I can't fault that
sentiment.
SERVO: It's another sign! Another sign of the End Times!
MIKE: That makes how many this year?
[exit theater]
- 1 -
- 2 -
- 3 -
- 4 -
- 5 -
- 6 -
[SOL. The lights and sirens are _already_ going. They turn
without a word and return to the theater.]
- 6 -
- 5 -
- 4 -
- 3 -
- 2 -
- 1 -
[Inside theater.]
> From: yea...@aol.com
> To: <Undisclosed Recipients>
> Subject: The Way to A Huge Income With The Secret Flaw Of The Currency
Market!!!
SERVO: Mike?
MIKE: [pause] Yes?
SERVO: I can't take it any more.
CROW: Me neither.
SERVO: He's won. Dr. Forrester has finally beaten us.
MIKE: [pause] Well... I guess that news will cheer him up...
[exit theater]
- 1 -
- 2 -
- 3 -
- 4 -
- 5 -
- 6 -
[SOL. MIKE, CROW and SERVO look thoroughly beaten.
[The Mads light flashes. With a complete lack of enthusiasm,
MIKE swats at the panel.]
[DEEP 13]
DR F: Aww... has the long arm of coincidence brought you brave, brave
chaps low?
[SOL]
MIKE: Yes. Yes it has. We can't take any more. We've had enough.
[DEEP 13]
DR F: Oh, come now. It's not like this is anything _really_ twisted,
is it? Not one mention of Star Trek, or Sailor Moon, or
Atlantis, or benevolent aliens from Uranus. [He snickers,
having used the politically-incorrect pronunciation.] It's just
another kind of 'Make Money Fast' scam, right?
[SOL]
MIKE: [beaten] I... I guess...
[DEEP 13]
DR F: Poor, poor Mikey. Tell you what, you and your little animated
popcorn-maker friends just have to sit thru it once more - _all
the way through_ - and I'll stop. I promise.
[SOL]
MIKE: Once _more?_
[DEEP 13]
DR F: You got it. Once more, and that's it. All the way through,
though, or I'll have to keep sending it, and sending it, and
sending it...
[SOL}
MIKE: NOOOO! Anything but that!
CROW! What he said!
SERVO: What they said!
[DEEP 13]
DR F: Alright. But only because I'm a big cuddlybear when my
experimental subjects plead. [He giggles madly for a moment.]
Shall we begin?
[SOL. Lights etc.]
SERVO: [to himself] Please let this be over soon. Please let this be
over soon. Please let this be over soon...
- 6 -
- 5 -
- 4 -
- 3 -
- 2 -
- 1 -
[Inside theater. The screen lights up again, for the last time
(we hope...)]
> From: yea...@aol.com
> To: <Undisclosed Recipients>
> Subject: The Way to A Huge Income With The Secret Flaw Of The Currency
Market!!!
CROW: [whimpering] Is there anyone on the face of the Earth who
_doesn't_ know there's a secret flaw by now?
> Date: Sat, 29 Jan 2000 12:19:20 -0500
>
>Dear Friend:
SERVO: Would a real friend do this to us? Would they?
[both BOTS turn slowly to look at MIKE.]
>
>If you have already responded to the following announcement a
>few days ago, that means your package is already on its way
>and it should be arriving soon! If you have not responded to
>this before, please pay attention to it now. This is very
>important!!!
CROW: Pay attention? We've _memorised_ it!
>
>!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>
>IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT
>IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT
>
>'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
>'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
SERVO: My eyes hurt.
CROW: The dots! All those dots!
>
>Your future May Depend on it !
CROW: You know what's scaring me? That's probably _true_ now!
>
>!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>
>Before you know about this 'Important Announcement', you must
>first read the following 'Editorial Excerpts' from some
>important publications in the United States:
SERVO: We must?
CROW: Damn you! Damn you to Hell!
>
>NEW YORK TIMES: "In concluding our review of Financial
>organizations to effect change in the 90's, special attention
>should be called to a California based organization, 'WORLD
>CURRENCY CARTEL'. Members of this organization are amassing
>hundred of millions of dollars in the currency market using a
>very LEGAL method which has NEVER been divulged to the general
>public. While their purpose is not yet known, their presence
>has most certainly been felt".
CROW: It's sure been felt around here.
>
>NBC NIGHTLY NEWS: "Members of 'World Currency Cartel', who
>always keep a low profile,
ALL: _HA!_
> are considered to be some of the
>most wealthiest people in North America".
SERVO: And the most annoying.
MIKE: By far.
>
>More excerpts later, but first let us give you this very
>"IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT":
SERVO: Let you?
CROW: It's not like we can _stop_ you...
>
>'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
>'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
>
>We are glad to announce that for the first time
ALL: _HA!_
> and for a very
>short period of time,
SERVO: 'Short?' These things go back _months!_
> WORLD CURRENCY CARTEL will instruct a
>LIMITED number of people worldwide on 'HOW TO CONVERT $25 INTO
>ONE HUNDRED OF LEGAL CURRENCY'.
SERVO: Limited?
MIKE: Maybe nobody's signing up?
CROW: Wouldn't surprise _me,_ not at all.
> We will transact the first
>conversion for you, after that you can easily and quickly do
>this on your own hundreds or even thousands of times every
>month. TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THIS "SECRET FLAW"!
SERVO: Maybe if we did, we could buy AOL from Ted Turner and cancel
these guys' accounts?
MIKE: Hmm... I can't see any particular flaw in that plan.
CROW: Uh, oh...
>
>*****************************************************************
>*****************************************************************
>
>It is even more explosive than we have yet disclosed. While
>currency does fluctuate daily, we can show you 'HOW TO CONVERT
>$99 INTO $588 AS MANY TIMES AS YOU WANT'. That means, you will
>be able to EXCHANGE $99, AMERICAN LEGAL CURRENCY DOLLARS, FOR
>$580 OF THE SAME. You can do this as many times as you wish,
>every day, every week, every month. All very LEGAL and
>effortlessly!
SERVO: All the effort is going into surviving this deluge of spam.
>
>It takes only 5 to 10 minutes of your time. You can do
>this from home, office or even while traveling. All you need is
>an access to a phone line and an address. Best of all, you can
>do this from ANY CITY ON THIS EARTH!!!
CROW: We're not _on_ Earth!
MIKE: I was sure... I was so sure...
CROW: Never mind, Nelson.
SERVO: Yeah, we're too burned out to care about your motivations now.
>
>Again, we must reiterate, anyone can do this and the source is
>NEVER-ENDING.
CROW: Exactly like our marketing techniques.
> For as long as the global financial community
>continues to use different currencies with varying exchange
>rates, the "SECRET FLAW" will exist.
SERVO: And as long as the SECRET FLAW exists, we'll keep spamming
every Hotmail account on the planet with this message.
>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
SERVO: Mike, it's my eyes again! They're all blurry!
MIKE: No, no, it's OK. Remember? We saw this before.
>
>As we said earlier , we will do the first transaction for you
>and will show you exactly how to do this on your own, over
>and over again!
CROW: 'Over and over again.' That's so ironic I could stick
refrigerator magnets to it.
>
>The amount of exchange you would do each time is entirely up to
>you. Working just 2 to 10 hours a week, you can soon join the
>list of Millionaires who do this on a daily basis many times a
>day. The transaction is so simple that even a high school kid
>can do it!
MIKE: Oh, if only we could hire a high school kid to sit here in our
places...
>
>We at the World Currency Cartel would like to see a uniform
>global currency backed by Gold.
CROW: And we'd like to see _you_ backed against a wall opposite a
firing squad!
SERVO: Made up of annoyed Hotmail users!
> But, until then, we will allow
>a LIMITED number of individuals worldwide to share in the
>UNLIMITED PROFITS provided for by the world currency
>differentials.
CROW: Fine. Get them and LEAVE US ALONE!
SERVO: Easy, Crow. Steady there, big fella.
>
>We will espouse no more political views nor will we ask you to
>do so. We can say however, that our parent organization, CILS,
>benefits greatly by the knowledge being shared, as we ourselves,
>along with YOU, benefit likewise. Your main concern surely will
>be, how you will benefit.
CROW: We'll benefit most by being LEFT ALONE!
MIKE: I think we're gonna have to tie him down.
SERVO: I'll get the rope, you tie the knots.
MIKE: Wh...?
SERVO: [as if to a small child] Non - functional - arms. Why do you
keep forgetting that?
>
>As soon as you become a member, you will make transactions from
>your home, or office, by telephone or through the mail. You can
>conduct these transactions even while traveling.
>
>Don't believe us? Experience it for yourself!
MIKE: So far, all we're experiencing is unending, repetative torment.
>
>;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;
>
>Unlike anyone else, we will assure you great financial freedom
>and you will add to our quickly growing base of supporters
CROW: After this treatment?
MIKE: Not likely, bunkie.
SERVO: [pause] 'Bunkie'?
> and
>join the list of MILLIONAIRES being created using this very
>"SECRET FLAW" in the world currency market.
>
>*****************************************************************
>*****************************************************************
>
>DON'T ENVY US, JOIN US TODAY!!!
MIKE: Hey, maybe this is how the Dark Side of the Force works.
SERVO: [as Yoda] Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads
to UNLIMITED PROFITS!
>
>'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
>'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
>
>There is a one time membership fee of only $195.
>BUT, if you join us by January 31, 2000 date,you can join us
>for only $25 administrative cost.
SERVO: The way they keep pushing that date back makes me think their
protestations of urgeancy are perhaps a _bit_ exaggerated...
> Your important documents,
>instructions, contact name/address, phone number and all
>other pertinent information will be mailed to you immediately.
>So take advantage of our Anniversary date and join us today.
SERVO: Just how many anniversaries are they planning on having?
MIKE: Why are you asking me?
SERVO: It _was_ a rhetorical question.
>
>(If you are replying after January 31, you must pay $195.00 for
>the membership fee. NO EXCEPTIONS, and no more E-mail inquiries please).
SERVO: Oh, yeah. No exceptions.
CROW: WE believe you.
>
>Upon becoming a member, you promise to keep all info
>CONFIDENTIAL!
SERVO: Like we'd subject anyone else to this?
MIKE: Don't look to _us_ to go from victims to victimisers!
SERVO: [pause] I'm pretty sure _that_ didn't come from Bob Newhart.
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>Should you choose to cancel your membership for any reason, you
>must return all papers/documents for a refund of your purchase
>price within 30 days.
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MIKE: Hey, look... let's cut out the middlemen and the four week
delay and just say 'no' right off the bat, hmm?
>
>IMPORTANT:
[more whimpering]
>
>****************
>
>1...Please write your name & mailing address VERY CLEARLY on a
>paper
>2...Below your mailing address, please write your E-mail address
>3...At the top left hand corner, please write the words "NEW
>MEMBER"
>4...Attach a CHECK for $25 + $10 for the shipping and handling
>of documents (TOTAL = $35.00) PAYABLE TO "OWPN" and FAX it to:
>
>\tab \tab 603-462-9290
CROW: Hey, I just realised something!
MIKE: What?
CROW: These clowns are supposed to be based in California, right?
SERVO: So?
CROW: Well, 603 is a _New Hampshire_ area code.
[silence]
MIKE: The mists are definitely clearing...
>
>(Note: We are ONLY accepting CHECK-BY-FAX as a form of payment
>at this time. We WILL be able to cash the check you send us
>by fax, you do not need to mail us a check.
MIKE: Yeah. You might notice that we've been lying to you about where
our office is when you address the envelope.
> If your check is
>dark, please PRINT ALL OF THE INFORMATION ON THE CHECK ONTO THE
>PAPER YOU ARE FAXING US so that it is clearly legible!) Please
>allow 2-4 weeks for delivery. No shipments will be made until
>the check has cleared.
CROW: And our flight has left US territory.
>
>\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\
}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}
>\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\
}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}\}
CROW: [wincing] That isn't any easier to take the second time around.
>
>Here are a few more 'Editorial Excerpts':
[still more whimpering]
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>WALL STREET: "A discreet group
ALL: _HA!_
> of Americans, operating under the
>guise of World Currency Cartel
CROW: And pretending to be from California.
SERVO: Though why anyone would _want_ to pretend to be from California
is entirely beyond me.
MIKE: Two words: Baywatch.
> have recently begun making rumbles
>in world finance market. While at this time, their game is
>not completely known, they certainly will be watched by those
>making major moves in the currency contracts".
CROW: I just wish _we_ didn't have to watch!
>
>FINANCIAL WEEK: "Watch them, monitor them, extract their
>knowledge and try to become one of them. That is the
>soundest financial advice we could give to anyone".
CROW: _My_ sound financial advice is to pay for a real email address
so you'll never see this message again.
>
>NATIONAL BUSINESS WEEKLY: "While this reporter has been left in
>the cold as to its method of operation,
CROW: Here's a clue, pal: unsolicited commercial email. Sound
familiar?
MIKE: Calm down; it's almost over.
> we have been able to
>confirm that 'World Currency Cartel' and its members are
>literally amassing great fortunes overnight".
CROW: And receiving hundreds of threatening emails every day.
>
>If you received this email in error, please accept our
>apologies.
CROW: [almost screaming] AN APOLOGY DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING IF YOU
_KEEP DOING IT!_
MIKE: [struggling with CROW] Tom, help me hold him down!
SERVO: With what?
MIKE: [pause] Uhh... never mind, I think I have him under control
now.
CROW: [panting madly]
> If you wish to be removed from the list, email us
>at, geoj...@usa.net for immediate removal.
CROW: I'm tempted. I really am.
MIKE: Crow, NOO! Do you want to get this message forever? Do you?
After all we've been through?
CROW: But he said...
MIKE: NO!
>
>Thanks,
>OWPN
>
>$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$END$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
MIKE: You see? It's over! It really is!
CROW: We're done! It's over! We survived!
SERVO: Let's make like bananas and split!
[exit theater]
- 1 -
- 2 -
- 3 -
- 4 -
- 5 -
- 6 -
[SOL. MIKE, SERVO and CROW have dragged out the beach chairs
and are sprawled limply in them.
[The Mads light is flashing. MIKE picks up his empty coconut
shell and lobs it at the panel.]
[DEEP 13]
DR F: [peers interestedly at the group.] My, my, my. That worked
better than I could have ever hoped!
[SOL]
ALL: [confuzzled] What?
[DEEP 13]
DR F: [really quite pleased with himself] Of course! It was all an
_act,_ you imbecilic drones! The whole thing was meticulously
planned right from the beginning! Even the false sense of
security you fell into thanks to my breaking off contact with
you!
[SOL]
MIKE: [in awe] I wouldn't have believed it. And it almost worked,
too.
[DEEP 13]
DR F: 'Almost'? What do you mean, 'almost'? I _beat_ you! I crushed
your spirits like I'd crush a seedless green grape!
[SOL]
MIKE: Oh yeah? [to the BOTS] Guys?
[MIKE turns his back; the BOTS are in front of him. He bends
over them and seems to be fiddling with something.
[Finally he turns. The BOTS' arms are bent into new positions;
if they had ears, their thumbs would be stuck in them. MIKE
duplicates this gesture, and all three turn to look straight at
DR F, and blat nice juicy raspberries at him.]
ALL: PBBBBTHHHH!
[DEEP 13. DR F is thoroughly enraged.]
DR F: CURSE YOU, NELSON! Just you wait! Somewhere out there is a
Ratliff fanfic with YOUR NAME ON IT! [He cuts the connection.]
[SOL]
MIKE: Anybody want another refill? Bowl of RAM chips? Salsa? As I
recall, we were in the middle of a vacation, weren't we?
BOTS: All _right!_
[Endit]
> Working just 2 to 10 hours a week, you can soon join the
>list of Millionaires who do this on a daily basis many times a
>day.
flaming_cat
I haven't seen that approach before.)
flaming cat
