MiSTing: Who You Were in Atlantis I 2/2
Chris Mayfield
dressing up in wizard robes and setting up some sort of underwater
scene. Crow is staring off towards Mike and Tom, screen right.]
Crow: [wistfully melancholy] Why, Mike?
[Mike and Tom stop their preparations and look at Crow.]
Mike: Why what, Crow?
Crow: Why can't people see obvious facts? Why do they persist in
believing in blatantly flimsy stories of UFOs or Atlantis? How
can they continue to delude themselves with fairy tales a child
could see through? What makes them cling to their delusions? Why
must people fear and hate that which they don't understand?
[Mike and Tom look uncomfortable]
Mike: This isn't making for a very funny skit, Crow.
Crow: How can you laugh, Mike? Just look at alt.conspiracy or
alt.alien.visitors. People afraid of the government or of the
media or each other. People locked in ignorance, soothing their
egos with their paranoid delusions. Hatred and fear being spread
over the internet to the masses, who are too apathetic to do
anything about it. Politicians catering to the public who only
want sound bites, simplistic answers so they don't have to think.
The media dumbing down so that it can capture the stereotypical
18-35 audience, who are then programmed by what is "cool" to
accept it back in a viscous circle. A government which feels
that art is dangerous and assault weapons aren't.
[Mike and Tom just stare at Crow who lets out a deep sigh, then
shakes his head violently.]
Crow: [normal voice] Whoa, Nelly! That was weird!
Tom: What happened to you?
Crow: [slowly] I'm not sure. I think I channeled the author.
[lights flash]
Mike: Aaaaahh! We've got usenet sign!
[6...5...4...3...2...1...]
Tom: [as they enter] What was it like, Crow?
Crow: Quietly cynically apprehensively pensively disillusioned.
>
>Interestingly enough, there were those Atls who thought they had
>done rather poorly by us. They realized that by creating us as
>they had, part of themselves was now embedded in our existence.
All: Ewwwww!
>While some parents treat their children as slave labor--plus ca
>change, plus la meme chose, n'est-ce pas?
Mike: [suave] That's French, baby. It means "I don't know what the
hell I'm talking about."
> --others treasure them
Crow: In fact, they put them in a chest and bury them in the back
yard.
>and give them a good education, stable home,
Mike: [mother] Were you kids raised in a barn?
> and so forth.
>
>When the final destruction of Atlantis was understood to be
>inevitable, there were, as Cayce pointed out, two philosophical
>outlooks.
Tom: Tastes great.
Crow: Less filling.
Tom: Stuffing!
Crow: Potatoes!
Tom: SONDHEIM!!
Crow: LLOYD WEBBER!!
Mike: Calm down, you guys!
> The "One" wanted to return to heaven, 4-D existence,
>and see what could be done about the mess the Atls had made. The
>other, the Belials, were so far gone into the material matrix
>that they were almost indistinguishable
Tom: Or in-determinate. Ha! Matrix humor, gotta love it.
> from your average
>commanding officer at the Pentagon.
Mike: Ha, ha. A little jab at the government for our friends over
there at alt.conspiracy.
> There was a world to be
>rebuilt, they thought amongst themselves,
Crow: Discuss. I'll give you a topic. SNL is neither S nor N nor
L.
> and the resource that
>was available for heavu lifting--given the technology was smashed
>for the most part--was, guess who? So, they started a collection
>campaign,
Mike: Hi. We're selling candy bars to keep hyper-evolved Atls like
me off the street.
> and it is the Athenian repulsion of this conquering
>effort that Plato started to relate in his aborted story.
>
>Well, we've jumped the gun here a little bit.
All: [weakly] Bang.
> The Atls who
>decided to reverse the trend went to Egypt. There they built the
>great pyramids and started to evacuate back into 4-D space.
Crow: When you're trying to get somewhere, there's nothing like
hitching a ride on a massive, immobile stone structure.
> It
>was dangerous, and not always successful. If you did not have
>the requisite mind strength to leave the body, you suffered the
>fate of becoming the "living dead."
Tom: It's the Robot Vs the Atl Mummy.
> Your Atl consciousness was
>zonked into a form of zombism, from which many have yet to
>recover; but most will shortly here.
Crow: Is this "shortly" in the Biblical sense?
Mike: The Second Coming is going to be really soon. Honest.
> You remained in the
>biological body, blue blood and all--it was still an edge--but
>came to full consciousness of your true potential only for brief
>moments, usually in death. And then you were back here,
Bots: Where?
Mike: Akron.
> asleep.
>"Life is a dream, and death the great awakening." Indeed.
Mike: To sleep, perchance to dream. Aye--there's the rub! For
what dreams may come when we have shuffled off this mortal coil
must give us pause. There's the calamity that makes so long a
life!
Tom: And the frightening thing, folks, is that he did that all
from memory.
>
>If all this discussion was about something that happened
>thousands of years ago, what difference would it make? Here we
>are, as we are, and regardless of how our origins are conceived,
>does it really make any difference about what we order for
>dinner?
Tom: All groups go through three stages: How Can I Eat, Why do I
Eat, and Where Shall We Go for Dinner?
> Just one problem with that perspective: the Atls came
>from outside of the time/space we remain embedded within. And
>some of them left, feeling sorry not only for those of their "own
>kind" who remained, but also with a healthy dose of guilt--
Crow: At the Guilt King drive-thru.
> or at
>least concern--for the fact that by creating us they had left
>part of themselves behind here on earth. Well, they're B-A-C-K.
Tom: What? Bellbottoms?
>
>And you thought this had nothing to do with alien visitors in the
>here and now, perhaps?
Mike: I didn't think this had anything to do with anything.
>
>The lights in the sky, popping in and out of sight in wholly
>impossible ways in the 3-D perspective, are our old benefactors
>and oppressors,
Crow: Congress.
> the Atls, come back to repair the damage and
>collect what they left behind.
Tom: If they can manipulate time and space, why do they need to
come back and fix anything now?
Mike: Tom, you're looking for logic in all the wrong places.
>Except it's not quite that simple anymore. What we have become
>is neither fish nor fowl, so to speak, and it will take some
>doing to get us ready to be able to rejoin the higher life.
Tom: Rejoin the higher life on the Off-World Colonies.
Mike: Tom, I already used that ref.
>They have tried repeatedly over the years to induce this change,
>but the entrenched Belial consciousness in us is as stubborn and
>addicted to denial
Crow: Just say no to no.
> as it ever was. See now that we got BOTH
Tom: HBO and Cinemax.
>sides, when we were created. Part of us is sweetness and light,
>and part of us is
Mike: Stinking, filthy dog vomit.
> Belial. Duality, the concept. Figure it out.
Crow: You do it. I'm bitter.
>
>Buddha, Christ, and all the rest were reincarnated Atls. The
>gain was turned up. Like Atls before them, being around them
>could be the source of bliss and--lo!
Tom: The artificial sweetener?
Mike: I think that's Sweet and Low.
> Enlightenment about the
>true nature of consciousness and "life," as we "think" about it.
>This has not been a greatly successful program. But then
Crow: They were losers to begin with.
> they
>started from a physical premise, which was logical to them but
>seems backwards to us. They also did not want to reinstate the
Mike: Death penalty.
>worship rites, and so forth; these are the good guys, remember.
>And they saw that using mind control would not accomplish it,
>either; in fact, just the opposite. So they had a bit of a
>stumper.
Tom: [as Jesus] What would MacGuyver do?
>
>Meanwhile, back on earth, we have been busy making tools.
Crow: Hi. I'm Bob Villa for Craftsman.
> The
>Atl consciousness in us was still intent, like a river flowing to
>the sea, on penetrating matter.
Mike: Siddhartha loved the river. He listened to its simple
truths.
> Only we do it by making devices.
>Now we have nuclear weapons. This is not good.
Crow: Dur-hey.
> Aside from the
>problems of death and destruction to us, it also creates a
>problem for the Atls. The nuclear explosions create, for lack of
>better terminology,
Tom: Boom-booms.
Crow: Ouchies.
Mike: Big burny things.
> "tears" in the dimensional continua. What we
>do harms them. They are not happy, and since it can be construed
>as a problem they made in the first place, it behooved them to do
>something about it. So they started coming back to earth.
Mike: Come for the universe threatening human race; stay for the
free peanuts and cheddar pretzels.
>
>But these Atls are not directly from the probability lines that
>we would think of as linear. In that line,
Tom: If it's not linear, how can you call it a line?
> they retained their
>physical bodies. The greys are--guess who?
Crow: The Guess Who are aliens? No wonder they suck.
> Us, only as we would
>have appeared if the Atls had continued their devolution in this
>time line.
All: [singing] You tell me that it's devolution...
> But the Atls are 4-D, and these linear views are
>wholly inadequate to describe the relationship.
>
>Now, we need to make a distinction here. There are greys, as I
>have said before, and there are greys.
Mike: [singing] There are greys, and there are greys, and there
are greys.
Tom: Enough with the musical references!
Mike: But that's "The First" one *I've* made. And it's not even a
Sondheim/Lloyd Webber one.
> The little grey/green
>bodies recovered through the years are one set,
Tom: No! Not set theory!
Mike: [professor] First we'll draw a Venn diagram...
> a very small set
>--sort of like me telling you that there was this creature called
>Cro-Magnon man.
Crow: Oh, I've heard this one already.
> You imagine caves or villages, with a population
>making whoopy and flint spearpoints.
Mike: Does whoopy keep an edge well?
> It is a funny coincidence
Crow: Ha, ha, ha--wait, I don't get it.
>that the whole notion of Cro-Magnon man you have accepted on face
>value is based on the remains of seventeen individual recovered
>skeletons. Not 1700, or 17,000. Just a small plane load of 17.
Mike: When did cave men develop airplanes?
>And that, hah, is the same number of little grey/green remains
>that have been recovered world wide since the 1940s.
Tom: [Colin Fergeson] If there had been 23 skeletons, I would have
been accused on 23 counts.
>
>The "greys" that get talked about as being present at
>"abductions" are indeed sinister, but not because of any other
>wordly cruelty. The "greys" are one of those kernel-of-truth
>(or, more punnily, a Colonel-of-truth)
Crow: [ranting] TURN IT OFF!! TURN IT OFF!!
> things. During the Cold
>War, when just about any atrocious act
Tom: Like a Gallagher routine?
> that could be committed in
>the name of national security was funded without a second
>thought,
Mike: Or, in the case of the military, without a first thought.
> it was determined that the radiation experienced by most
>survivors of a nuclear war could possibly destroy the integrity
>of human reproduction. Lightbulb gone off yet?
Crow: No. It's still on, but nobody's home.
>
>The geneticists argued that volunteer collection for cryogenic
>storage would not supply a sufficient gene pool.
Mike: Welcome to our gene ool. Notice there is no "p" in it.
Please keep it that way.
> Instead, the
>vitality of the animal needed broader representation from the
>general population.
Crow: [Dr. Strangelove] Animals will be bred and frozen!
> This was sold as a longterm safeguard for
>American democracy (believe it;
All: [Jack Palance: big breath] Or not!
> there are even worse things--this
>is almost a sweet by comparison). At first, they didn't have
>elaborate schemes. They just collected ova and sperm
Mike: Talk about aggressive panhandling.
Tom: Brother, can you spare some semen?
> and froze
>them, like for prize bulls. (The up side is that they also
>collected thousands of other species, and these are still on
>file.
Tom: What's this white stuff all over my spreadsheet?
Mike: You are *this* close to being dismantled.
> So all is not a total loss, though it is still a total
>outrage). Fantastic DNA
Crow: Well, at the least, really cool DNA.
> technology came later, but it came as a
>result of this program in large measure. Funding was discrete,
Mike: Spending was excrete.
>and usually asked in terms of irradiated humans in space, but the
>answers were the same.
Tom: Multiple choice, with some short essay.
>
>Well, they did this. Abductions started, mind control chemicals
>and electronic means were used. But they still needed the long
>metal needle,
Mike: Unfortunately, it got lost in a haystack.
> and they also needed an implanted cover memory in
>case these good American citizens should start having recall.
Tom: Total recall.
Crow: We can remember it for you wholesale.
>They chose the little grey men, whom they were also concerned
>about. The 'two bird with one stone' idea.
Crow: Let he who is without bird cast the first stone.
Mike: Huh?
> So, if anyone DID
>see a little grey/green man, they were covered!
Mike: With tar and feathers.
> Just point out
>the loonies who claimed they had been abducted and subjected to
>"ridiculous" horrific medical procedures.
Mike: "Ridiculous horrific" medical procedures?
Crow: Maybe they were patients of Dr. Giggles.
>
>As an aside, this program was uncovered by others in the
>government and officially terminated, whatever "officially" means
Tom: Official: adj. 1. Of or relating to an office or a post of
authority. ‹officially: adv.
>given the heed of the CIA to presidential orders in Guatemala,
>for example. Of course, there is no way the public could be
>informed--just as the radiation testing done with plutonium was
>"too hot" for disclosure.
Crow: Demi Moore.
> Same old, same old. But the sperm and
>ova are still sitting in the liquid nitrogen. This, by the by,
>is the origin of the story about the Dulce facility;
Mike: Los Alamos--this is your life!
> one of the
>depositories of the collected materials is in New Mexico.
>
>But I digress. The Atls, being concerned that it was time to
>take more direct measures to "clean up the mess,"
Tom: Or they would have to "go to their room" without "supper."
> to put it in
>human terms. Remember, they've got all the time in the world,
>because they are outside of it.
Crow: Come on in; the timestream's fine!
> And they have more than one mess
>to clean up.
Mike: So the Atlanteans see the earth as a Superfunds site?
> The Atls popped into biologies all over the place,
>galactically speaking.
Crow: I get it!! The Atlanteans are that super-evolved race from
Star Trek that made all the alien races white, English-speaking
humans!!
> But we have now moved to the top of the
>priority list by punching holes into the time/space continua.
Tom: Mankind is on the Galaxy's Most Wanted List.
Crow: If you see a human, do not approach. They are to be
considered armed and extremely stupid.
>
>What they have decided to do is boost the Atl nature in us. Of
>course, this will be an uneven solution,
Crow: It figures. This whole post is odd.
> but it will be a solid
>one. We, as a species, will now begin to awaken. Those zombied
>Atls who were too far gone to vacate through the use of the
>pyramids will be awakened.
Mike: So even though they were mummified, had all of their vital
organs taken out, have rotted and sometimes been dismembered by
tomb robbers, they will come back to life.
> This will come about through the
>reactivation of the living crystals
Tom: We've secretly replaced the Atls' living crystals with
sparkling Folger's crystals.
> that remain on earth,
>broadcasting a carrier wave of energy that will be like turning
>on the lights in a dark room.
Mike: And exposing the film.
> And the specific crystals that are
>activated will result in tangible physical events.
>
>One will be a burst of "rapture,"
Crow: [Stimpy] Oh, rapture!
> like the good old days in
>Atlantis. The other will be a sudden devolution of mechanized
>culture.
Bots: Booooooo!!
> The animal in us will be slowly returned to the earth
>as the Atl in us gains the strength to "ascend."
Tom: Torgo the White will come and guide the Atl in you to a
glorious heaven in New Atlantis.
> This is what
>the New Agers are attempting to explain in all this "ascension"
>stuff. But just as the animal "man"
Mike: Available from Vertigo.
> was here before the Atls
>came, so will the species remain, until the last of the Atl
>consciousness has been awakened and recovered to its true 4-D
>state. This will take time, but the irony is not lost on me:
Tom: In fact, I've been thrown down and had the irony beaten into
me.
> we
>will appear to be devolving physically when, in fact, that part
>of us which makes us "human" is simply departing the "natural
>order" of this physical continuum. What looks like decay is
>actually liberation,
Crow: Suddenly the '94 elections make sense!
> just as on the way in what looked like
>"progress" for the Atls was actually degeneration.
>
>Atlantis lost is Atlantis found. Salus!
Tom: You ever notice that you always find Atlantis in the last
place you look?
Mike: [exiting] You know, I never--huh?
[1...2...3...4...5...6...]
[Mike is in some sort of large, clear plastic cylinder. There is a
metal colander on his head with wires attached to it. Crow and Tom
are sitting next to a box with lots of knobs, dials, and
switches.]
Mike: What are you guys doing?
Crow: Silence! You are being deprogrammed.
Tom: Mike Nelson--what happened when you tried to construct a
robot of your own design?
Mike: Well, I admit it had a few flaws, but-- [big shock] I
CREATED A HIDEOUS HELLISH PERVERSION OF ROBOTICS!
Tom: Good. What happened when you tried to do a little preventive
maintenance on Crow?
Mike: I almost turned him into Horschack. But I didn't expect--
[really big shock]
Crow: Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition, Mr. Nelson!
Tom: What about that thing with the regional speech patterns?
Mike: Come on. That was just a little joke-- [huge shock] I AM THE
EPITOME OF EVIL AND AM UNFIT TO LIVE!
Crow: Are you ever going to attempt to reprogram us? Yes or no?
Mike: Yes--I mean no--I mean yellow-- [immense shock] AAAAAAAAH!!!
Tom: What do you think, sir?
Mike: I had jello today...
[Deep 13. Dr. Forrester looks stunned]
Dr. F: I am shocked. I am sickened. I am repulsed. I'll have to
send you more of these kind of posts.
\ | /
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fwshhhh
Mystery Science Theater 3000, its characters, situations, and
merchandise are copyright 1994 Best Brains, Inc. This MSTing is
not authorized, endorsed, or supported by anyone. It is not
intended as an attack on anyone's beliefs. This article may be
freely distributed as long as this notice remains intact.
MiSTed by Chris Mayfield, camf...@iastate.edu. Comments welcome.
>They identified with these movements, not with objects like
>rocks.
Roger M. Wilcox
>
>> a very small set
>>--sort of like me telling you that there was this creature called
>>Cro-Magnon man.
>
>Crow: Oh, I've heard this one already.
>
>> You imagine caves or villages, with a population
>>making whoopy and flint spearpoints.
>
>Mike: Does whoopy keep an edge well?
Good GOD, I used up my entire laff quota for the WEEK on this one!
--
Roger M. Wilcox rog...@cisco.com (a.k.a. tra...@best.com (Jeff Boeing))
------------------- I'm not flying fast, just orbiting low. -----------------
MSTie #38188 | Dvorak keyboard - Esperanto - Ross Perot - ProLog - Amiga 2000
| Do I follow lost causes, or what?