[MiSTied]: 'Encounters' (5/6)

[hei...@imap2.asu.edu]

[Continued from Part 4]

[SOL]

[A small shrine-like arrangement is situated on the desk. Flowers adorn a
number of pictures. One of the pictures is facing Cambot, so that we see
a picture of Wesley Crusher.]

[Mike and the three 'bots walk in. They are dressed in TNG uniforms with
black bands around the arms as a token of mourning. Tom has admirals bars
on his shoulder, Crow has a beard taped to his beak, Mike wears a flowing
blue gown and a black, curly wig, and Gypsy wears a red wig. They
approach the funeral arrangement.]

Tom [as Admiral Picard]: We have gathered here today to mourn the loss of
Wesley Crusher...
Gypsy [as Dr. Crusher]: Boohoo. I am sad.
Tom: ...loved son of Dr. Beverly Crusher and respected colleague of us all.
[A sputtering sound comes from the general direction of Crow. Tom
ignores it.] Wesley contributed much to this crew, and saved our lives
a number of times. I'm sure we will never forget him. [sotto voce]
Yeah, right...who needs the little weasel?
Mike [as Troi]: Ummm...Admiral...I'm sensing a lot of hostility from you.
Are you sure you're telling the truth?
Tom: Shut up, Counselor. Captain Riker, would you like to say a few
words?
Crow [as Captain Riker]: Thank you, Admiral. I would like to say that, having
worked with Wesley all those years, I think I came to know him quite
well. And I'm sure you'll all agree with me when I say...when I say...
I give up! I have to say it! I *hated* him! I can't tell you *how*
many times I wanted to take a phaser and vaporize him! I'm *glad*
he's gone! Glad, I tell you!
Mike [whispering to Crow]: Hey, you're breaking character! C'mon!
Tom: It's no use, Mike. We can't do this!
Mike: I just thought it would be a good way for us to work through our
feelings...by having this wake for Wesley, I thought we could come
to understand him, and so learn to like him a little...aw, who am I
kidding? I'm just as glad he's gone! Let's party!
Tom and Crow: Yeeaahh!

[Gypsy starts spraying confetti from her mouth. Party music starts blaring, and
Tom and Crow start dancing around and chanting 'Wesley is gone! Wesley is
gone!' Mike jumps up onto the desk and begins a table dance. In the midst
of all this madness, the Mads' light starts flashing, and Mike, in the course
of his dance, steps on it.]

[Deep 13]

[Dr. Forrester stands in front of the monitor, looking around surreptitiously.
There is no one else to be seen. Beer cans, paper plates, and a few other
party odds and ends adorn the tables and couches.]

Dr. F: Hi guys. Nice to see the fanfic's not getting to you...heh heh.

[SOL]

[Mike is off the desk and has discarded the wig (but, thankfully, not the
dress).]

Mike: What happened to everyone?

[Deep 13]

Dr. F: I don't know how she's done it, but that Flora has been changing
*everyone's* lives. She's convinced Uncle Phil to finally retire, so
he's gone to look at condos in Florida. Phil Junior's taken over the
business, so he's gone to redecorate his office. Cousin Christine's
been convinced by Flora that all she needs to do to get Jay to propose
to her is to start reading poetry and take art classes--generally look
and act cultured and arty. So she's gone off to enroll in a pottery
class. The list goes on! But she won't get to me. I'm bound and
determined to stay miserable! Oh...here she comes. And she's
talking to *Mother*!

[Dr. Forrester slips away. Flora and Mrs. Forrester wander into the camera's
view, talking animatedly.]

Flora: So why did you give up acting, Aunt Pearl?
Mrs. F: Well, once little Clayton came along, I was busy with him. He
certainly was a handful--still is, as a matter of fact! [laughs]
Besides, his father was providing well for us.
Flora: But you know...you *could* still try for an acting job.
Mrs. F: Me? Now? Oh, I don't think so.
Flora: Why not? You obviously have a talent for it, and you certainly have
a...*distinctive* presence. I know a Hollywood producer who'd
take you on in a minute! Let me give you his card...
Mrs. F: Well...it *would* be fun to try...but Clayton *needs* me.
Flora: Oh, I'm sure he could manage. Why don't you give this man a call?
Mrs. F: I guess a call couldn't hurt...

[Mrs. Forrester walks off-stage, steered by Flora. Dr. Forrester sneaks back
to the monitor.]

Dr. F: Hmmm...she may not be so bad after all...but you three aren't finished
yet. Get going!

[SOL]

[Mike has changed back into his jumpsuit, and the 'bots have shed their
costumes.]

[Light flash, the camera shakes, etc.]

[all]: We've got Post Siiiign!

[6...5...4...3...2...1...*...]

[They move into the theater and sit down.]

>
> Space Shot.
>
> Enterprise meets the Aridians' Ship.

Mike: Enterprise, this is a rip-off of a 'Dr. Who' episode. Aridians' ship,
meet a poorly-designed fanfic replacement for the 'Enterprise-D.'

>
> The key to the scenario is selling the audience the alien threat,
> Admiral Picard's solution and the message.

Tom: Yes, you can get the alien threat, the solution, *and* the message, all
for only $19.95!
Crow: But wait! There's more...

> The admiral and
> Enterprise's senior officers have to talk their way out of a
> fight. The ark's weapons systems are many more times powerful
> than Enterprise's weapons systems.

Tom: Oh, yeah? Well, my communications system can beat up your
communications system!

>
> The Aridians have intercepted radio and television news broadcast
> clips approximately 400 years old. They have used the broadcasts
> to learn English and form opinions about humanity.

Mike: Yeah, I can see it now...they'll all talk like Sylvester Stallone.
[Tom and Crow snicker.]

> They believe
> members of humanity, though advanced technologically, are
> primitive and savage in their treatment of others.
>
> They show Admiral Picard and Enterprise's senior officers clips
> from late 20th century television news broadcasts as evidence of
> humanity's short comings.

Tom: There's Bosnia, and Iraq, and China...and Puxatawnee, PA?
Mike [as Aridian]: Kill them. Kill them now.

> The Aridians would like to impress

Tom: A bronze, or at least a brown.

> their society, culture, beliefs, and values on the peoples of
> Earth. Admiral Picard quickly realizes the Aridians intend to
> dominate and subjugate humanity.

Crow: Been there.
Tom: Seen that.
[Together]: Hated it!

>
> He argues in the 24th century humanity has changed. The admiral
> convinces the Aridians to let them go on a rescue mission to help
> two Bajoran military officers.

Mike: Hey, this could be good!
Crow and Tom: Huh?
Mike: Well, anything would be better than watching them rescue a giant,
space-going jellyfish.
Tom: Good point!

> He believes it is the only way to
> convince the Aridians that humanity is kind and compassionate.
>
> Bridge.

Mike: Over Troubled Waters.
Tom: Shouldn't that be *Tribbled* Waters?

>
> Security Chief Sowards
>
> The Aridians' ship is hailing us.

Crow: Well, throw some snowballs back at them!

>
> Riker
>
> Viewscreen.
>
> The Viewscreen shows blurry Aridians.

Tom [as Riker]: Uh, Ensign, could you go up there and tweak the rabbit
ears? I'll tell you when the picture clears up.

>
> Picard (Talking to the Aridians.)
>
> We've received your hail.

Mike [as Picard]: You'll have to pay for the dented hood and broken
windshield.

> We've been monitoring your ship on our
> sensors. What are your intentions toward Earth?
>
> Aridians
>
> We, the Aridians, would like to colonize Earth and rule over your
> kind.

Crow: But, if that doesn't work, we'll settle for a shopping spree at the
Mall of America.

>
> Picard
>
> I'd like to talk to your leaders. May I beam over?
>
> Aridians
>
> Yes.

Tom [as Aridian]: Oh--you *do* breathe chlorine, don't you?

>
> Riker (Talking to Admiral Picard.)
>
> Can my senior officers come with you?
>
> Picard
>
> Will, it may be dangerous.
>
> Riker
>
> We'll use transporter room three.

Tom: Sure! We'll be safe then...huh?

>
> Data
>
> Replacement officers, please come to the bridge.

Mike: Ensign Replacement, reporting for duty.
Tom: Lieutenant Replacement, reporting for duty.
Crow [falsetto]: Token babe, reporting for bit part.

>
> Transporter Room Three.
>
> Transporter Chief Bennett
>
> Captain Riker, I've set the transporter coordinates for the
> Aridians' Council Chamber.
>
> Captain Riker and the Others step on the Transport Pad.

Mike: That's what my freshman high-school class was called--the Others.

>
> Riker (On the Pad.)
>
> Energize.
>
> The Away Team materializes in the Aridians' Council Chamber.
>
> A Bright Light shines down on the Away Team.

Tom [as Picard]: There! Are! Four! Lights!

>
> Aridians
>
> Who speaks for your kind?

Mike: Rush Limbaugh.
Crow: Huh?
Mike: Well, he *thinks* he does.

>
> Picard
>
> I do, Admiral Jean-Luc Picard of the United Federation of
> Planets. (Enterprise's senior officers step forward when Admiral
> Picard calls their names.)

Crow: Red Rover, Red Rover, let Riker come over.

> These are my colleagues: William T.
> Riker, captain of U.S.S. Enterprise; Commander Data, his first
> officer; Commander Deanna Troi, the ship's counselor; Commander
> Beverly Crusher, the ship's doctor; Lieutenant Commander Worf, in
> charge of ship operations; and Commander Geordi La Forge, chief
> engineer.
>
> Aridians
>
> Speak.
>
> Picard

Crow: Arf!

>
> Our kind deserves to live their lives in peace and freedom.
>
> Aridians
>
> Your kind is an inferior, primitive and savage race. The members
> of what you call "humanity" are uncompassionate, petty and
> selfish. Members of "humanity" are prey to manipulation and
> domination by their friends and enemies.

Tom: They must have been watching soaps.

>
> Picard
>
> The conclusions of your race are wrong.
>
> Aridians
>
> We've observed television broadcasts from Earth approximately 400
> years old.

Crow [as Aridian]: We're willing to spare you if you can prove that Aaron
Spelling died a slow, painful death.

>
> The Viewscreen turns on.
>
> The Aridians' viewscreen shows television news broadcast clips
> from the late 20th century. The montage of television news
> broadcast clips have to show a degree of violence for the
> audience to believe the Aridians' point of view.

Mike: Geez, suddenly they're Ganymeans...

>
> The Viewscreen turns off.
>
> Picard
>
> The images you see of humanity are old.

Tom [as Picard]: I mean, did you *see* those awful toupees on the
newscasters?

> Humans in the 24th
> century are compassionate beings who live in peace on Earth and
> in the universe.
>
> Aridians
>
> Why should we believe you when the evidence before us indicates
> otherwise?
>
> Picard
>
> My colleagues and I can prove it to you.
>
> Aridians
>
> How?

Mike [as Picard]: Well, we're not attacking you right now, see? See? And
we're not attacking you now either.

> Picard
>
> I don't know. We'll find a way.
>
> Aridians
>
> Our sensors monitoring the Cardassian border just picked up a
> distress call.

Crow: Well, isn't *that* convenient.

>
> The Viewscreen turns on.
>
> The Viewscreen fades from the Audience's View.
>
> Space Shot above a Cardassian Planet.

Tom: I hope they have current space hunting licenses.

>
> A Cardassian cruiser is attacking a Type Three Bajoran
> surveillance ship over their weapons development facility. An
> escape pod falls from the exploding ship and steaks through the
> planet's atmosphere.

Mike: What, is the atmosphere a vampire?

>
> The Bajoran military frequently sneak ships across the border
> with Cardassia to learn about the latest advances in Cardassian
> weapons technology. They have found a way to fool Cardassian
> sensor sweeps. Unfortunately, this surveillance ship ran head
> long into a cruiser and was shot down.

Tom: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me...
Crow: Fool me three times, shoot you down.

>
> Back in the Aridians' Council Chamber.
>
> The Away Team Hears and Sees the Last Part of the Distress Call.

Mike: ...have run out of coffee. Repeat, the coffee situation is critical.
Please send Juan Valdez over as soon as possible!

>
> Aridians
>
> Will you be willing to place the needs of the Bajoran ship's crew
> ahead of your needs and rescue them?
>
> Picard
>
> It's our duty to help them as members of humanity and the United
> Federation of Planets. We'll sacrifice our lives to help them if
> necessary.

Crow [as Picard]: Gee, it's lucky these guys we're going to rescue happen
to be on our side.

>
> Aridians
>
> Go. We'll reconsider our decision to colonize Earth based on
> your actions during the rescue attempt. Our sensors will be
> monitoring your team.
>
> Riker
>
> Enterprise, we're ready to return.
>
> Seven Figures dematerialize.
>

Tom [singing]: Seven Starfleet figures on the wall, seven Starfleet figures...
Crow [singing]: Take one down, transport him out,
both [singing]: Six Starfleet figures on the wall!

> From news.asu.edu!asuvax!cs.utexas.edu!usc!math.ohio-
> state.edu!magnus.acs.ohio
> state.edu!lerc.nasa.gov!usenet.ins.cwru.edu!cleveland.Freenet.Edu!f6
> 25 Wed Oct 4 14:16:53 1995
> Path: news.asu.edu!asuvax!cs.utexas.edu!usc!math.ohio-
> state.edu!magnus.acs.ohio-
> state.edu!lerc.nasa.gov!usenet.ins.cwru.edu!cleveland.Freenet.Edu!fh
> 625
> From: fh...@cleveland.Freenet.Edu (Douglas A. Wu)
> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
> Subject: Encounters: Act III Part I
> Date: 30 Sep 1995 14:30:04 GMT
> Organization: Case Western Reserve University, Cleveland, Ohio
> (USA)
> Lines: 227
> Message-ID: <44jk9c$9...@usenet.INS.CWRU.Edu>
> NNTP-Posting-Host: piglet.ins.cwru.edu
>
>
> Act III
>
> Space Shot.

Mike: What does that immunize against?

>
> The Cardassian Planet.
>
> The Camera skims the Weapons Development Facility.
>
> The camera changes to a long shot of the Cardassian weapons
> development facility. Guards occupy towers along the perimeter.

Tom: And they're not leaving until their demands are met!

>
> Guards Patrol the Grounds.
>
> The Stockade.
>
> Guards are Outside.
>
> Headquarters.

Crow: Let me guess...more guards?

>
> Men are walking up Steps. They are the Bajoran Prisoners guarded
> by Cardassians.
>
> The situation with the Cardassian intelligence officer and the
> Bajoran prisoners provides

Tom: Low throbbing noises?
Mike: I don't think so, Tom.

> an opportunity to portray the
> Cardassians as a proud and honorable race of aliens. Previous
> television shows and films portrayed them as two-dimensional
> heavies. Think of the Cardassian intelligence officer and the
> guards on the base as people who are trying to do their jobs.

Tom: Yeah, you're not dealing with any dumb, two-bit, trigger-pumping
morons with low hairlines, little piggy eyes, and no conversation!
We're a couple of intelligent, caring guys whom you'd probably like
if you met us socially.
Crow [New-York accent]: Dat's right--I'm really sensative.

>
> A Cardassian Intelligence Officer is working at his Desk.

Mike [as Cardassian]: Now, bevel the edges...how can those guys on 'This Old
House' make it look so easy?

>
> His Door opens and the Bajorans enter.
>
> Cardassian intelligence officer
>
> Guards, wait outside while I talk to the prisoners.

Tom [as Officer]: I'm feeling invulnerable today.

>
> The Guards leave.
>
> Cardassian intelligence officer
>
> So, the Bajoran military thinks it can sneak spies across the
> border with

Crow: Cinnamon buns?

> impunity. What are your names and ranks in the
> Bajoran space core?

Mike: This guy has his cores and corps confused.
Crow: I think corpse is a better idea.
Tom [snickering]: Then we can bury him in a *copse*...with some *cops*!

>
> Bron
>
> I'm Bron, an officer in the Bajoran military. I pilot the
> sublight ships in its space core.

Crow: He slips sleek ships by the C-core.
[Mike and Tom groan.]

>
> Rico
>
> I'm Rico, an ntelligence officer.

Tom: Not with that spelling, you're not.

> I work on surveillance
> ships.
>
> Cardassian intelligence officer
>
> Tell me the names of the Bajoran and Federation spies working in
> Cardassia. I can get the information I need the easy way or the
> hard way.

Mike: Yahoo, or...Prodigy.

>
> Bron
>
> Give it you best shot.

[All singing]: Hit me with your best shot!

>
> Cardassian intelligence officer (Yelling.)
>
> Guards!
>
> The Guards enter.
>
> Cardassian intelligence officer
>
> Show them how we treat uncooperative "guests".

Mike [as Cardassian]: Show them our vacation slides. Muahahaha!

>
> Guards beat the Prisoners.
>
> Rico (Speaking after the beating.)
>
> I'd rather die then tell you what you want to know.

Crow: I'm going down, and I'm taking the Colonel's secret recipe with me!

>
> Cardassian intelligence officer
>
> The two of you have just signed you death warrants. Guards,
> remove the prisoners from my sight.
>
> Guards take then away.
>
> The Cardassian Intelligence Officer similes and Returns to Work.

[Tom begins to sputter incoherently.]
Mike: Tom! What's the matter?
Tom: What is with this guy?! First he castigates all previous Star Trek
writers for portraying Cardassians inadequately, then he comes up
with the most 2-D portrayal of all! It's so 2-D it's, it's...1-D!!
Mike: Calm down, Tom!
[Tom begins to make gasping sounds.]
Crow: Mike! I think he's hyperventilating!
Mike: Don't worry, Crow! I'll help him!
[Mike grabs a paper bag from under the seats and holds it over Tom's mouth
and head.]
Mike: Here, Tom. Just breathe deep. Don't worry about anything else.
[Tom makes deep breathing sounds.]

>
> Night.
>
> Deanna and Worf's Quarters.

Crow: He'd better not...

>
> In the foreground Lieutenant Commander Worf is cleaning his
> Klingon weapons.

Crow: Phew.
Mike: I suppose I could make a comment about extensions of his
manhood...naah.

> In the background Dr. Crusher is talking to
> Counselor Troi about tomorrow's mission.

Mike [airhead voice]: So, like, what are we doing on this mission anyway?

>
> Dr. Crusher
>
> Deanna, I'm worried about Jean-Luc. I don't think he's going to
> let us help him rescue the Bajorans.
>
> Troi
>
> Jean-Luc's decisions on missions are based on choices he thinks
> will lead to favorable outcomes. He never thinks about the
> consequences of his decisions on himself. I think someone should
> keep an eye on him during tommorrow's mission.

Crow: Maybe, say someone from *Security*?
Mike: How're you doing, Tom? Getting better?
[Tom makes muffled affirmative sounds. His deep breathing sounds are
more regular.]

>
> Dr. Crusher
>
> I'm sure someone will step forward before the mission and accept
> the job of keeping Jean-Luc out of harm's way.

Crow: If necessary, we'll fool someone by having everyone else take a
step back.

>
> Worf
> We'll see.
>
> The Door beeps.
>
> Captain Riker is at the door and wants to talk to Lieutenant
> Commander Worf. The Captain asks the Lieutenant Commander
> to walk Enterprise's decks with him. It's an interesting situation
> considering their shared past as friends and warriors.

Mike: What, it's interesting that friends would take a walk together?
Crow: Well, they'll play poker together, but they don't really want to be
*seen* together.

>
> Riker
>
> Worf, walk with me.
>
> Worf
>
> Deanna, I'll be back soon.

Mike [as Worf]: We're going over to his place to watch the game.

>
> The Pair step on Enterprise's Decks

Crow: And break them.

> and Begin to Talk.

Mike: Wait a minute!
[Mike rips the paper bag off Tom's head.]
Mike: You don't breathe! How could you be hyperventilating?
Tom: Well...heh...ya see...
Crow: He faked it so he wouldn't have to read the fanfic.
Tom: Yeah...it's less painful than having my head blow up.
Mike: Crow! Why didn't you say anything before?
Crow: 'Cause if it worked, I was gonna try it next.
Mike: Heh. Nice try, you two, but you've got to suffer right along with me.

>
> Riker
>
> Worf, I've been thinking a lot about the mission lately. How'd
> you like to be tactical officer on tomorrow's away team mission?
> It'll be dangerous though and you have responsibilities to you
> wife and son.

Mike: But it comes with some great health benefits.

> I wouldn't be asking you for such a great favor
> unless I thought you could handle it.

Tom: Favor?
Crow: Well, he's only the head of Security.

>
> Worf
>
> You have my word as a Starfleet officer and a Klingon warrior
> I'll defend your life and Admiral Picard's life with dignity and
> honor.

Tom: Anyone else, though, I'll leave to fend for themselves.

> Now, I want to ask you for a favor.
>
> Riker
>
> Anything, Worf. You can ask me any favor you want and I'll
> fulfill it.

Crow [as Riker]: Unless it involves custard. I'm not into that.

>
> Worf
>
> Watch over Deanna and Alexander for me if I die on the away team
> mission.
>
> Riker
>
> I don't know what to say Worf. You know that I'm close friends
> with Deanna and Alexander.

Mike [as Riker]: Heck, I'm watching over her *now*. You don't need to die.

>
> Worf
>
> Just say you'll do what I ask of you.
>
> Riker
>
> All right. I'll do it as a favor for an old friend, my best
> friend.

Tom [singing]: Everything I do...I do it for you!

>
> Exterior shot of the Stockade.
>
> It is the night before Admiral Picard and Enterprise's senior
> officers are due to arrive.

Mike: Already, a huge crowd of journalists and T-shirt vendors has gathered
to await their arrival.

> Bron and Rico are sitting in their
> cells. Cardassia will execute the two for spying tomorrow.
> Their cells are dimly lit. The audience cannot quite make out
> their faces. They only hear their voices.

Crow: Aauugghh! I've gone deaf except for this fanfic!
Tom: It's a fate worse than death!

>
> Bron
>
> Rico, will we ever see the mountains of Bajor again? I've always
> felt Bajor's mountains were the planet's best feature. When I
> was a young man I climbed a Bajoran mountain and saw the stars
> clearly for the first time.

Mike: Astronomy magazine would probably call for a boycott of Bajor with
light pollution like that.

> That night I decided to become an officer in
> the space core and defend our people against Cardassian tyranny.
> The foolish thought of a naive young man will be my downfall.

Crow [as Bron]: And if I ever find him...
Mike: He's talking about himself.
Crow: Oh.

>
> Rico
>
> I'm also having second thoughts about our failed mission.

Tom: Gritty, realistic dialogue!

> I've a
> wife and two young sons on Bajor. I'll never see them again
> because the Federation doesn't care about us. All they're
> interested in is making peace with Cardassia.

Crow: Making peas with a casserole?
Mike [as Jeff Smith]: Next time on 'The Frugal Gourmet:' how to bring
together warring planets through a love of food.
Crow: You are *too* good at that.

> They're too
> willing to look the other way in border incidents involving Bajor
> and Cardassia. I hope Bajorans will remember us as martyrs.
>
> Bron
>
> A man who says he's not afraid to die is lying or a fool.

Tom: Or a contestant on 'Double Dare.'

> A man
> who says he is afraid to die is true to his feelings. I look
> upon tomorrow with fear. I hope we die like heros tomorrow,
> strong and brave,

Crow: Trussed up like pigs...

> in the face of adversity.
>
> Morning.
>
> Shuttle Bay in Enterprise.
>
> The Senior Officers are boarding a Shuttle Craft.
>
> Picard
>
> The odds aren't in our favor.

Tom: The Las Vegas bookmakers are giving us 10-1 odds.

> We may not make it back.
>
> Riker (Speaking for the Senior Officers.)
>
> We've been in tougher situations.
>
> The Shuttle departs.
>
> Inside the Shuttle.
>
> First Officer Data and Lieutenant Commander Worf pilot the
> Shuttle.

Mike: Yes, let's put all our eggs into this extremely dangerous basket.

[Continued in Part 6]

--
Sarah Heiner hei...@asu.edu
Arizona State University
MSTie #53681

| Top Ten Tempe Butte Amusing Comments |
| (These are from reports written by geology lab students.) |
| |
| 6. Sudenly, crouching on exposed sandstone, the instructor |
| reached behind her back and pulled from a holster some- |
| thing that looked like some kind of tri-corder. Cool. |