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MiSTed-Mind Tribes pt. 3 (Finally!)

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Currie1501

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Sep 19, 1997, 3:00:00 AM9/19/97

I have nothing to say but that AOL is one of the disciples of Satan.

Tom "Father Mushroom" Currie(played in RATMM The Movie by John Agar, much
to Tom's horror)
Head of the Ford Prefect Fan Club and Ambassador for a Free Luna, Novy
Leningrad Chapter
"This is an EX-parrot!"- John Cleese in the Dead Parrot Sketch
^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^

(6...5...4...3...2...1...Theater)

MIKE: How'd a jerk like him become the chief navigator of an interstellar
universe cruiser?
TOM: Get over it.

>Saga six: The Spirit of the "Bright One" Arrives
>
>
>The evening was clear and cold. Every star seemed especially >bright
>tonight. The wind was drifting through the trees as if expecting >someone
>to arrive. Wolfs cried in the evening air

CROW(as crying wolf): Waa-wa-arrOOOOOOOO-waaah-OOO-OOO-OOOOOO...
TOM(singing): This is what it's like/ When wolves cry...

>
as Matoaca sat with her >father
>inside their cave. Tonight was the night Matoaca's father was >going to
>unveil the ceremonial banners announcing to the spirits of the >sky the
>coming of the great unfolding of the secrets of the stars.

MIKE: So he's putting a reeeally big sign in his front yard then?

>
"A >long time
>ago Matoaca, great spirits came to our land, and gave to us >something
>very special.

CROW(as Mataoaca's father): Herpes.

> We remember the great wind full of star dust,

TOM: Ah, the interstellar gift of cocaine.

>
and
>sparkling energies that lit the fires, and told us of a world >where all
>the people were reflections of all the stars. Tonight in the >Northern
>sky there is an unusual brilliance,

CROW: What's an unusual brilliance?
MIKE: Albert Einstein wearing a clown wig and a bridal gown.

>
Matoaca, and I want you to >look into
>the sky, and listen to the stars". Her father was serious about >what he
>told her tonight. Matoaca never heard her father speak of the >stars in
>this way. She felt unusual, as if she was going to meet someone.

TOM(as "someone" whispering): Here's the new shipment of "stardust". Next
time, meet me at the docks.

>She did
>what her father said, and left the cave, and looked into the >clear night
>sky. Matoaca's mind was filled with curiosity and wonder.

MIKE: But not much else.

>
She >felt
>especially warm, and also like she was falling into the endless >night
>itself.
>
>"Bright One" Appears

(The Bright One is as before, a large grey lady with spires extending from
her head, except now she is in front of a background of stars and nebulae
and assorted pretty universe things.)

MIKE: It's Mega Maid from Spaceballs!

>
>
>The sky turned brilliant, and for a moment Matoaca thought she >actually
>saw a face in the sky. Then it appeared. Matoaca was transfixed.

CROW: Why? Did she try and shift without the clutch and strip the gears?

>The
>"Bright One", filled the evening sky with her radiance, and the >voice
>was the sound of a thousand cardinals, a thousand robins, a >thousand
>bees.

TOM(as Bright One): Squawkchirpbuzzsquawkchirpbuzzsquawkchirpbuzz...

> Her head was filled with a sound that made Matoaca feel >as
if she
>was touching all the stars.

TOM: It was the sizzling of burnt radioactive flesh.
MIKE: It's not really a good idea to touch stars.

> She heard a
voice tell her:

CROW(as voice): Kill them all. They're all against you.

>
>
>Northern arrived

TOM: Who's Northern?

>Heaven above

MIKE: Land's sakes.

>New time

CROW: Dang, I need to reset my watch.

>
>
>In an instant Matoaca became the mind of the "Bright One". >Matoaca was
>transformed from a princess of her tribe, to a messenger of the >Central
>Civilization.

TOM(singing to Transformers theme): Algonquin! More than meets the eye!
Algonquin! MessengersoftheCentralCivilization in disguise!

> She knew who she was, and where she had to go.

MIKE(singing): Where do you go? My lovely...

>She
>understood her father, and the mission that was given to her.
>Now it was
>Matoaca's turn to communicate this to the hidden chambers >beneath an
>island in the ocean.

CROW: Unfortunately, the hidden chamber's secretary put him on hold for
half-hour and he went insane after thirty uninterrupted minutes of "Tie a
Yellow Ribbon Round The Old Oak Tree."

> It felt as if she was flung
into the stars,

MIKE: Since her body immediately ruptured in the vacuum, her blood boiled
in the temperature, and her corpse was thrown into a radioactive ball of
white-hot atoms.

>and all
>of the Earth beneath her was moving by ever so quickly. Matoaca >could
>remeber all the other times she was on the Earth. Matoaca felt >like she
>had many names. She was Inanna, Isis, and Ishtar.

CROW: Iggy, Ima Pearl, Icky Poo...
MIKE: Innard, Intestine, Iliad...
TOM(Grandma from the Beverly Hillbillies): JEEEEEEEEED!

>
She felt as if >she was
>the Lady of Heaven.

TOM(singing): She's a lady, whoa whoa whoa...

> She remebered all her families,
and then she
>remembered her father sitting in a cave. She ran with the wind >and stood
>before her father looking at him in astonisment. "I know that >was a lot
>for you to experience, Matoaca." Her father comforted her >throughout the
>evening. The fire was dancing,

MIKE & CROW(singing): Burn, baby, burn!
TOM(singing): Disco Inferno!
MIKE & CROW: Burn, baby, burn!

> and the
cave became the most >wonderful
>place Matoaca had ever known. What she had just experienced >would take
>an evening full of dreams to fully understand, only to awaken in >the
>morning to the unfurling of the ceremonial star banner >announcing to the
>wind, and all the animals, and birds, that a magic flight was >about to
>take place.

MIKE(air traffic controller voice): SKKT-Alpha Tango one-niner, deny
permission to land, a ceremonial star banner has just unfurled in the tower
announcing a magic flight departing on runway 134.

> Matoaca's world was different somehow.
Everything >seemed to
>be transparent, and she could walk over trees, and fly though >clouds.

CROW: John Agar could act, and Horror of Party Beach became a touching
love story.

>Matoaca became the spirit once again, as in ancient times, of >the
>"Bright One".
>
>There in the morning sun was the blazing banner that her father >had hung
>from a tree.

MIKE: Also in the morning sun was her father trying frantically to put it
out with a small fire extinguisher.

> Matoaca had never seen such a banner. It was
>unlike
>anything her tribe had used in ceremonies. It was full of strange
>markings, and gave off the most unusual feeling.

CROW: She was hooked on the feeling.

>
It was as if >the banner
>itself was about to fly into the wind.

TOM: So, it's on fire and it's blowing away?
MIKE: Something tells me her father hasn't had much practice on unfurling
ceremonial star banners.

>
The closer Matoaca looked >at the
>banner she became aware that it was talking to her. The >markings gave
>her insights into the secrets of the stars, and the messsage she >must
>give to the keeper of the star charts in the caves in the >Northern ocean
>region.

CROW(as banner): Tell him I want my fifty bucks back.

> She finally could understand all that she had seen the
>night
>before.

MIKE: Unlike the readers. And possibly the author.

> Matoaca was now the sole keeper of the knowldege that
>had to be
>passed on to the ancient star out post in the secret island >called N
>ahant. New sounds came inside Matoaca's head, and she knew >then it was a
>song of the Earth.

CROW: Was it a song of distant Earth?(5-point reff)

> The Earth itself was a vast sound
that held >all the
>secrets of the stars. The very stones lying on the ground were >full of
>sounds, and knowledge of other worlds, and other people. This >was what
>she had to deliver to Nahant.

TOM: Can't he listen to one of his rocks?

> The stones
had to sing

MIKE: At the MTV Music Awards in a duet with Oasis and the Spice Girls.

>
so that one >time in
>the future there would be another receiver of the sounds that >could then
>deliver the message to these people in a far away distant >Central
>Civilization. The knowledge would not be lost.

CROW: Countless minds of readers, but no knowledge would be lost.

>
Matoaca was >about to take
>flight over the snow-capped mountains to find a place that was >only
>known by one other person. That person was the star chart >protector and
>keeper. The spirit of the "Bright One" was about to be put into >the
>stones.

TOM: So the Rolling Stones are doing gospel now?

> The singing stones would always be there, naturally,
>awaiting
>the right time for the message to once again be sent back to the >Central
>Civilization, announcing the coming of age of the star children >on
>Earth.

MIKE: It's a Sweet Sixteen party for humankind.

>
>Art work: Iva Vodrazkova - Torah Curtain

CROW: He's just going to try and drag down any religion he can, won't he?
TOM(singing): Bright One Bright One Bright One, I made you out of clay...

>Click on banner for 48K jpg image
>
>Saga seven: | The Singing Stones of Nahant |

MIKE: The Rolling Stones LIVE at a deserted northern island!

MIKE: She was the sister of her brother, the niece of her uncle, and the
bride of her cousin.
TOM: Enough about your sister.
MIKE: HEY!

> She felt so new, and she did not know quite what
to >do,
>except prepare for her journey. Her father walked Matoaca into >the
>woods, and told her to look toward the sky,

TOM(singing): You're not the only one... Starin' at the sun...

>
and become the >spirit of the
>birds. Before she even knew what to say to her father,

MIKE: "Buzz off, you weird old geezer" springs immediately to mind.

>
the wind >was
>pressing on her back, the snow was dancing in spiral patterns at >her
>side, and Matoaca found herself moving with the wind, and was
>transformed into the most unusual white bird.

TOM: It was (singing) Just like the white-winged dove...

>
It was the most >ast
>onishing experience Matoaca had ever had.

CROW: Except for that time she won a free Ast On Martin on a British game show.
MIKE: It was ast ounding.

>
Once in the sky >Matoaca
>summoned the message her father had given to her:

MIKE(AOL voice): You-have-mail!
TOM: Hey! You stole my favorite line!

>
>Northern arrived

CROW: We put him in your bedroom. We hope you don't mind.

>Heaven above

TOM: Clowns to the left of me. Jokers to the right.

>New time

MIKE: It's a Seiko, with an alarm function. You like it?

>
>
>Art work: Andreas Nottebohm-KN-M-1388-A

(The picture is of a fifty-foot long white flaming birdlike object.)

MIKE: Hootie, put the Phoenix into Firebird Mode!(10 point reff)

>
>The wind followed Matoaca, the snow continued to swirl in >unimaginable
>ways, and slowly Matoaca became pure vision of white radiance,

TOM: White radiance? We must've gone into an Aryan Nation site.

>and
>blended with all of nature as she became the embodied spirit of >the
>"Bright One". The cardinals and blue jays followed closely, and >became
>the crimson and cobalt blue wave Matoaca would ride on. Her >guidance was
>simple: find the island of singing stones

CROW: They have an island now?
MIKE: One of those Aleutian ones. Jagger got it for the grandkids.

>
in the Northern ocean >outpost
>where the star charts of the Central Civilization were hidden.

TOM: I always thought you were supposed to keep them in the glove compartment.

>As her
>journey continued, Matoaca knew the time would come when all >the purity
>and peace in the world would change. Her mission was far more >important
>than she ever realized.

CROW: But she just realized it!
MIKE: Shh. You two are going to have another meltdown if you don't try
and ignore this.

> A new sense of danger
was in the wind, >and she
>realized how her tribe, and all the tribes, had been hurt by the
> destroyers of the ancient temples.

TOM: For one thing, they were in the temples when they got destroyed.

>
The ancients all of a sudden >became
>known to her, and a remorse and a sadness was in her heart. >Then her
>spirit became crystal clear. Her heart became warm with >compassion, and
>her vision became her new force.

CROW(as Obi-Wan): Use the force, Lu- Wait a minute, you're not Luke!
Blast, I'm in the wrong head.

>
There was nothing Matoaca >could not see
>or hear. The whole Earth became a song she had never heard >before.

MIKE: Earth turned out to be an endless recording of Prodigy alternative
dance, which explained a lot.

> She
>knew the wind was moving her closer to Nahant where the >secret of the
>ancient star charts were kept by the last ancient star >navigator.

CROW: Strom Thurmond, Keeper of the Ancient Mysteries of the Universe.

>
>Matoaca felt her spirit beginning to sense a new lifeforce. She >was
>getting closer, and an awareness of another tribe she had never >met
>slowly began to talk to her. These were the Mind Tribes >beckoning to
>her, to give her the final direction to the secret island.

MIKE(strange, echoing, ethereal voice): Taaaakee a riiiiigghhht at the
Jiffy Luuuuuuuuuube...

>
Matoaca >was
>told that the Mind Tribes were once again returning to Earth.

TOM: And that they were bringing back some Chinese takeout.

>
So >many
>times before the Mind Tribes had come to Earth bringing the
>understanding of how to return to the Central Civilization, and >so many
>times all the monuments had been destroyed. Matoaca's mission >was to
>make sure that would not happen again.

MIKE: So she's trying to protect some monuments that have already been
destroyed?
TOM: Watch out, Mike. We can't hot glue your logic circuits back together.
CROW: Yeah, duct tape sticks better.

>
>
>
>The sounds of the Earth were now louder than ever,

TOM: Hey you! Turn down your planet! Other star systems are trying to
sleep here!

>
and Matoaca >could see
>the ocean, and there sitting in a vast blue space was a small >island,
>and it was here Matoaca would meet the Ancient Star navigator.

ALL: WE KNOW HE'S ANCIENT ALREADY! GET TO THE SMEGGING *POINT*!!!!!

>
>When Chief Nahant looked into the sky he could see the most >unusual
>white bird. Its wings were outstretched, and for a minute he >thought it
>was a white owl,

CROW: Except owls aren't usually 50 feet long, on fire, and receiving
commands from the voices in their heads.

> but he could sense a new
presence, and it was >a tribal
>spirit he was familiar with, but had never met. The eagle >spiraled down
>from the sky and landed on a rock next to the great blue ocean.

TOM: Unfortunately crushing Chief Nahant.

>Chief
>Nahant had called his family to look at this wondrous white >bird.

MIKE: He flipped off his own family?

> When
>all had gathered to see this bird, there appeared red and blue >rays of
>light coming off the rock where the bird had landed, and slowly, >there
>in the morning light, a brilliant white being began to come >closer to
>them. It was Matoaca who took on her earthly shape, as she >descended
>down the rays of light to meet Chief Nahant.

TOM(as Mataoaca): Oh, you must be the chaffeur.

>
>Long ago in the ancient teachings, that Chief Nahant was >familiar with,
>he had heard of a "Bright One" who came to Earth to give the >teachings
>of the Central Civilization.

CROW: The plan fell through when they caught all of North America smoking
acigarettes in the bathroom.

> Chief Nahant
knew this was her >coming to
>see him. Matoaca spoke in a language he never heard, but >understood
>completely.

MIKE: Unlike anyone unfortunate enough to be reading this website.

> Matoaca called out:
>
>Northern arrived

TOM: At Gate 19, departing for O'Hare Airport at 9:55.

>Heaven above

CROW: So remember to duck.

>New time

MIKE: He made it in less than six seconds this run.

>
>
>It was then that Chief Nahant knew this was the spirit of the >"Bright
>One" that he had heard about all through the ages. In words >which
>sounded like music, Matoaca spoke to Chief Nahant.

TOM: Unfortunately, Matoaca communicated only through bagpipes and
accordions, and pretty soon Nahant just stuffed cotton in his ears and
forced her to write it out.

>
>Saga Eight: | Chief Nahant meets Princess Matoaca |
>
>
>

MIKE: Yeah, that was somewhat more painful than the others.
CROW: Hey, the door's opening.
TOM: I intend to go through it.

(6...5...4...3...2...1...Bridge)

MIKE: Let's check on the party.

(Rome. Manuel is holding something in his hands and staring at it with a
concerned expression. Calypgeas steps into the shot.)

CAL: Hello, orbital demigods! Enjoying this "website" thing?

(SoL. Tom is wrapped in a blanket and shivering and Crow is darting his
head from side to side while nervously chuckling to himself.)

TOM(still shivering): Icy hands of insanity... gripping my soul... thrown
into the black maw of net.lunacy... so cold...
CROW(nervous, hyped-up laughter): Heeheeheeheeheeheehee
they'reallouttheretryingtogetmecan'tletthemgetmeori'llgo NUTS!
MIKE: We've had better days.

(Rome)

CAL: Ah. Well, our dear other demigod Manuel has apparently figured out a
way to stop, with some "artificial intelligence" thing. Quite interesting.
MANUEL(walking to screen): Okay, think I got it. Had to tinker for quite
awhile before managed to work this into your programming matrices.

(SoL)

MIKE: Work what in?

(Rome. Manuel holds up a chrome-gray Tamagotchi.)

(SoL)

CROW: Oh, for the love of-
MIKE: You put the sophisticated life-support controls of our spacecraft
into a Japanese fad toy?

(Rome)

MANNY: Well, excuse me for living, Gospodin Nelson. It was lying around,
and I needed a control unit, so I picked it up and added a transmitter antenna.

(SoL)

TOM: Sheesh. That's one of the stupidest ideas I ever heard. You can't
control a spaceship with a-

(A buzzer sounds, and M & TB writhe in agony.)

ALL: AUUGH!
MIKE: Strange, horrible shrieking in my head! Like a Mariah Carey concert
from hell!
CROW: He must've pressed the disclipine function!

(Rome. Manuel looks surprised.)

MANNY: That is the discipline commmand? Sorry. I was trying to feed you.

(SoL. A burger appears on the countertop.)

TOM: Not-hungry- but compelled to-EAT!

(M & TB all dive for the burger simultaneously and then fight for it with
feral animal noises.)

MIKE: Grrrr...
TOM: Rowr!
CROW: Snarl!

(Rome. Manuel is staring at the Tamagotchi and scratching his head
thoughtfully.)

MANNY: Oh dear... instructions never said anything about wild feeding
frenzies.

(SoL. Tom is gnawing on a piece of hamburger. Mike is standing next to
him with a mutilated jumpsuit on.)

MIKE: Just one piece?
TOM: Grr*OWL*ll...
MIKE: Okay, geez.

(Crow enters, with his right arm torn off and sticking through his eyeball
housing.)

CROW: You fight honorably yet dirty, fireplug.
TOM: Thank you, pinbeaked wussbucket.

(net.loon Sign goes off)

ALL: AUUUUUUGGHHHH!!!!! WE GOT NET.LOON SIIIIIIIIIIIIGN!!!!!

>
It was the most >ast
>onishing experience Matoaca had ever had.

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