MiSTing: book ads 1/3

[a.ca...@genie.geis.com]

Here's one that got away. What started as a bunch of shorts in my next
big MiSTing got too big and unwieldy and demanded a post all to itself.
Now I have to think of a whole new opening skit for when I do get around
to a proper follow-up to ARGON. *sigh* I swear, and those people in
Bosnia think they have problems.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000" post AC-2, reel one.

[Theme song...1...2...3...4...5...6...]

[SOL. Crow and Tom are hanging out on the desk (where else would they
be?) No one else seems to be around.]

Tom: Os, uoy kniht ll'enoyna erugif tuo tahw er'ew gniyas?
Crow: Ylbaborp. Siht sah tog ot eb eht tsemal esucxe rof a edoc reve
nettirw.

[Mike storms in from screen right, clearly quite ticked off. He's wearing
a bathrobe and his hair is full of shampoo.]

Mike: What's going on? The water just cut out on me and the audio system
started blasting Gypsy's Joey Lawrence CD through the entire starboard
sector. Where's Gypsy? Isn't she supposed to be keeping track of this
stuff?

Tom: Erus, tub od uoy kniht ll'enoyna =rehtob= ot krow ti tuo? D'uoy
kniht d'yeht evah retteb sgniht ot od htiw rieht eerf emit.
Crow: Llew, eeg, Mot, enoyna ohw swonk tahw uoy tsuj dias yltnerappa
=t'nseod= evah gnihtyna retteb ot od, yb noitinifed. S'ti eno fo esoht
ygolotuat seigniht.

Magic Voice: *Bad pun in thirty seconds.*

Mike: Bad pun...? Whatever. [looks down] Hey, what's Gypsy doing passed
out on the floor? Come on, guys, help me reactivate her before the audio
system switches to "Sing Along with William Shatner".

Crow: Yawyna, retfa taht kcarc fo sruoy I erugif ev'ew detaneila enoyna
ohw ev'thgim neeb gninetsil ni. Ew nac yas gnihtyna ew tnaw!

Mike: Say what? What kind of bizarre chicken-language was that?

Tom: Llew, ni taht esac, D'i tsuj ekil ot ekat siht ytinutroppo ot yas
taht I-- I-- I evol uoy lla. Ereht. I dias ti.
Crow: Ho, rof-- tahw dnik fo ysnap terces egassem saw taht?
Tom: Llew tahw =dluohs= I evah dias, O gnippird knuh fo ytinilucsam?
Crow: Kniht tuoba ti! Rof ecno ew nac yas gnihtyna ew tnaw, tuohtiw
gniyrrow tuoba gnieb etilop ro Ekim gnittuc su ffo! Ekil siht: etib em!
Etib em! Ah ah ah-- s'ti nuf! Etib em! Etib em! Ah ah ah ah ah--

Mike: What's wrong with you two? Speak English! You sound like you've
been listening to too many 80's heavy metal records.

Magic Voice: *Bad pun in fifteen seconds.*

Tom: Llew, =taht= saw laer erutam.
Crow: Ho haey? Llew uoy nac ekat ruoy ytirutam dna evohs ti pu ruoy--

Mike: WILL YOU TWO CUT IT OUT? I've had just about enough of this!

Crow: Aw, Mike, you're no fun.
Mike: What kind of gibberish was that, anyway?
Crow: It's not gibberish. It's--
Tom: Pig Latin. Just simple Pig Latin, nothing to worry about...
Mike: Oh, come on. I =know= Pig Latin, and that's not it. Now fess up,
what =was= that?
Crow: The jig's up, Tom. He's onto us.
Tom: *sigh* Okay. It's a language we made up in our spare time. Only
the two of us can speak it.
Mike: What's it called?
Crow: Why, it's called...
Mike: Yes?
Tom: It's called...
Mike: Yes??

Magic Voice: *Bad pun in five seconds. Four, three, two, one... bad pun
now.*

Bots: ...SERVO-CROWATIAN!

[Mike clutches his temples and crumbles to the ground. Yellow light
flashes.]

[Commercials]

[More commercials]

[Still more commercials]

[SOL. Mike seems to have recovered somewhat, though he does have an icebag
on his head. In the background we hear Gary Coleman's 1988 foray into rap,
"The Outlaw and the Indian".]

All [staring directly at viewer]: Kill us now, please.

[Red light flashes.]

Tom: Hey, what d'you know? Ask and ye shall receive.

[Deep 13]

Dr.F.: Why so glum, hmm? [He pauses. Then his face contorts in horror.]
Oh, dear God. Cut the audio feed, Frank! Cut the-- [looks around] --oh,
yeah. I've gotta stop doing that.

[SOL. Audio system abruptly switches from Gary Coleman to Lou Reed's
"Metal Machine Music".]

All: Ahhh, that's better.

[Deep 13]

Dr.F.: Oh, good. Because I wouldn't want to distract you from this week's
experiment.

[SOL]

Tom: One question. Is it as bad as ARGON?

[Deep 13]

Dr.F.: ARGON...? You mean THE EYE OF ARGON?

[SOL]

Crow: Mike, what's THE EYE OF ARGON?
Mike: Shh. We'll talk about it later.

Tom: Yes, I mean THE EYE OF ARGON. Is this one going to be as bad?

[Deep 13]

Dr.F.: Well, no, of course not. How could it be?

[SOL]

Tom: That's what I figured, but you never know...

[Deep 13]

Dr.F.: Don't worry, though. To make sure you'll be getting your FDA Daily
Requirement of pain, I've grabbed not one, not two, not three, but... um,
actually it is three... =three= atrocious book ads off the web! You'll
swear off reading forever when you're done with this one! So have fun!
Or should I say... I ekil ot tep seittik dna ffins seisiad!

[SOL]

Bots: *giggle*

[Deep 13]

Dr.F.: What's so funny? Hmm. Must be my pronunciation. Just for that,
I'm throwing in =another= ad! Now you've got four pieces of dreck to deal
with!

[SOL]

Mike: Well, just as long as they're not 16:01 each...

[Light flash]

All: WE'VE GOT BOOK AD SIGN!

[6...5...4...3...2...1...]

Crow: C'mon, Mike, what's THE EYE OF ARGON? Tell me!
Mike: *sigh* It was an experiment we had a while back. You went into some
kind of catatonic state and I had to erase the experience from your memory
banks.
Crow: Really? I didn't know you knew how to reprogram robots.
Mike: I don't. I just beat your head against the desk until you snapped
out of it.

>ARE YOU TRAPPED IN A BAD MARRIAGE?

Mike: No, I'm trapped in space. Why do you ask?

>
>"I'm trapped!

Crow: Oh, be quiet! [muttering] It rubs the lotion on its skin...

>I've been married for seven years, two kids, a house,
>two cars, a good job and a terrible relationship with my wife.

Mike: And a partridge in a pear tree.
Crow: Exactly how many kids are there in a year?
Tom: *sigh* Not this again. Look, you've got sixty jobs in a car, seven
cars in a house, twelve houses in a kid, and one-and-a-third kids in a
year. Write it down this time, okay?

>I made a mistake, that's all.

Crow: OH MY GOD! Someone authorized a first strike! The missiles are
flying! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!
Mike: Look, I made a mistake, that's all.

>She doesn't think so. She blames me.

Tom: =She= keeps getting on my back about my boozing and womanizing.
What a bitch.

>But I know I picked the wrong partner.

Mike: Damn these mail-order bride catalogs! I =knew= I should've picked
#55343!

>Do I have to be miserable for the rest of my life?"

Crow: Of course not! We have Prozac now!
Mike: I like to sprinkle it on my frozen yogurt!

>
>A new book called HOW TO DUMP YOUR WIFE

Tom: From the author of HOW TO ABANDON YOUR CHILDREN.

>will give you the
>advice you need. The author is not a shrink or a lawyer

Mike: After all, why would you want to listen to someone =qualified=?

>-- the very people who make a living off of your pain. The author

Crow: --wants a piece of that pie! There's plenty of money to be made off
your pain!

>is someone who
>has been through a divorce and lived to tell about it.

Mike: As opposed to, say, Nicole Brown Simpson.
Tom: Yowtch!

>
>You'll get straight advice about what mistakes not to make.

Mike: "Do not strip naked. Do not refer to yourself in the third person.
Do not throw meat."
Tom: Hey, that =is= good advice!

>How to prepare yourself in your mind and in your
>practical life. How to hide your money.

Tom: After all, it's not =your= fault she can't support herself. Maybe
if she hadn't selfishly insisted on setting aside her own dreams to raise
your children she'd have some marketable skills! Go ahead, stash that wad!

>What about your kids? What about guilt?

Crow: What about rhetorical questions?

>Your girlfriend, if you have one, and your friends.

Mike: What about verbs?

>
>HOW TO DUMP YOUR WIFE helps you anticipate your wife's
>behavior. Get ready to break

Tom: --bones. Arms, legs, thumbs... these things can get nasty.

>the big news. Plan it all out in
>advance. Sure, there are some jokes in this book.

Mike: "So this horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'Why the
long face?'" Why the long...? Why the-- BWAH-HAH-HAH! I get it!

>It's pretty funny,
>especially about the lawyers.

Crow: "So this lawyer walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'Why the
long face?'" Why the long...? Hmm... no, it just isn't funny.

>But deep down it's a serious story.

Tom: In fact, deep down it's ANNA KARENINA.

>No one is saying that divorce is easy.

Crow: Except for Larry King, Elizabeth Taylor, Johnny Carson...

>But you can have a second
>chance. You can get free.

Mike: --long distance for a month if you switch now.

>
>Unfortunately, HOW TO DUMP YOUR WIFE is not an easy book to get.

Crow: I just don't get it. It's too deep for me.

>You don't see it on the shelves in every bookstore, do you?

Mike: No, just the really sleazy ones.

>Nope. You have to ask the bookseller to order it for you.

Tom: Let's see, gimme a Hustler, a pack of Trojans, and [whisper] that
how-to-dump-your-wife book.

>Censorship can begin even before a book hits the shelves.

Mike: Hmm. That would explain why that Bukowski book I bought had six
hundred pages but only eight words.

>No one wants to encourage a man to get out of his unhappy marriage.

Mike: What's wrong with today's society? Why can't people take sacred
vows as lightly as I do?

>It's different for women.

Crow: Mens an' womens is made differnt, see? See, mens's got--
Mike: That's nice, Billy. Why don't we let one of the other students
do their "show and tell" now, okay?

>They get cheers when they "kick the bum out," don't they?

Tom: Let's face it -- all in all, divorce is a delightful, fun-filled
experience for women.

>But, if a man is miserable, does the world want to give him a second
>chance? No way.

Crow: Way!
Tom: No way!
Crow: Way!
Tom: No way!
Crow: W-- wait a minute, even I'm not enjoying this.

>
>But you do have a chance now. You can tell your bookseller to order
>HOW TO DUMP YOUR WIFE and if you have to wait awhile for the book,

Crow: Y'mean someone achilly ordered a copy? Hey, Doris! Git in here!
You got some typin' t'do!

>it will be worth it. You'll be way ahead of the game before you
>even begin. The key is preparation, mental and physical.

Mike: We suggest a strict regimen of swimming, running and calisthenics.

>And you'll help the cause too by making those booksellers do
>something that they might not want to do.

Crow: You mean retain a scrap of dignity as respectable merchants?
Mike: Qualms? Whaddaya mean, qualms? Do as I say!
Tom: I'll take this Business Week, this Shakespeare anthology, and while
we're at it, how 'bout you undo a couple of those buttons there, baby?

>Go ahead, try to get a copy for yourself or
>someone else you know who is about to go insane.

Mike: Buy multiple copies and hand them out to postal workers.

>Or send $25
>to Fender Publishing

Crow: Order now and we'll throw in a bitchin' Strat!

>at 1111 East Madison, Suite 460 Seattle,

Tom [singing]: o/~ Our favorite patient, display of patience, disease-
covered Puget Sound... o/~

>WA 98122.
>
>"The finest preventive medicine on the market. I recommend a strong
>dose of this book to any man wanting out of a bad marriage."
>Dr. Jerome Cox, psychiatrist

Tom [laughing]: Oh, yeah, suuuuure.
Crow: ...electronics, TV/VCR repair, animal care specialist, gun repair,
psychiatrist...

>
>"Right on target about my wife!"
>Anonymous, but free.

Tom: We found this one in Guns n' Ammo Magazine and thought we'd swipe it.
Hope no one notices!

[Commercials]
[Continued in part 2]