MiSTED: Communism Will Make Life Better 1
The Happy SP2
TARA: Hey, DUMBASS, how many times I have to tell you, I am not on the left! I
am not on the right! I believe firmly that no one really has a clue. [mutters]
Twerp.
BOOMING ANNOUNCER VOICE: And on the right, Greg Eichelberger.
GREG: Uh, by "right" I assume you mean "right" as in "correct", or as in
"right-of-way", or perhaps as in "divine right". Or, maybe-
ANNOUNCER: Never mind. just get on with it!
TARA: Tonight we won't argue about Bosnia or Senator Exon. No, we have a common
enemy now. There are people out there who are actually enthused about the
possiblity that rights will be violated in the name of abstract values. They
exist on the left, and also on the right. Posters like "Crusader" get a lot of
attention, but the nuts on the left aren't exactly quiet.
Take it from there,
GREG: Right, and I mean that in the correct sense, Tara. We have endured "The
Long March", although we're STILL waiting for Matt Luhan to post it (uhem), and
other drivel from the conspiracy-wracked flackos leaving their philosophical
droppings here and there on this good ship we foundly call the Internet.
TARA: Yes, yes, go on, and please hurry.
GREG: Okay. Anyway, after a long, and exhaustive, and you can believe me on
this, effort, Tara and I have put forth what we think is the ultimate
anti-Communism MiSTing since the advent of Radio Free Europe and cheap Levi's.
And, of course, this being a task that required collaboration, we would hope,
that just in case, and the chances may be high, that it is not funny, that
instead of shaving our collective heads and making us march through the
newsgroup, you would instead just say so.
TARA: Thank you. Now, without futher ado, or anything else, we proudly present
a treatsie on why Communism makes life better, or goes better with Coke, or
something like that. Enjoy.
[SOL]
[Shot of Mike sprawled against the Barcolounger. The two bots are also visibly
tired. Gypsy give Mike a drink.]
MIKE: I never want to see another post again.
TOM: That Crusader post was worse than McElwaine.
CROW: If that was possible.
TOM: I'd like to give the Doctor Forrester a piece of my mind.
MIKE: Speak of the devil, guys.
[Deep 13]
MIKE: Ohhhhhhh boy this is a treat.
DR. F: Hello, my test subjects. Had a good nights sleep after the Crusader
incident?
[Bots and Mike collectively groan.]
DR.F: Before I give you today's torture, I would like to start the invention
exchange. Of course, we all know what will happen, but I will deign to not hold
off the invention exchange.
MIKE: Oh yippy.
DR.F: That doesn't mean that we are not going to give you this night's
droppings. A little political number . . .
CROW: Not another post taken from shortwave radio.
DR. F: Oh no no no. This lovely polemic was found on the Progressive Labor
Party web site.
TOM: The what?
DR. F: I'm talking socialists, Marxist-Leninists--COMMIES!
CROW: I thought they all disappeared.
MIKE: Yeah, with Russia turning into a free market system, I don't think they
would still be at it.
DR. F: Well, there are people who believe the world is flat, right? And without
further ado . . .
[transmission feed]
[general chaos]
ALL: WEB SITE SIGN !!!!!!!!
> Communism Will Make Life Better
TOM: Brought to you by the Bolshevik Corporation with a generous grant by
the Gulag Foundation.
CROW: With additional funding by the Federal Bureau of Investigations.
> Learning from the 20th Century's Socialist Revolutions
MIKE: How many times do you have to learn not to stick an fork into an
electrical socket?
> Sometimes you hear people say, "Communism sounds like a good idea, but
> it can never work.
TOM: Just like your fat, lazy brother-in-law.
> After all, didn't they already try it?"
CROW: They tried it for 30 days, but they weren't satisfied, so they want their
money back.
TOM: But it's the *new* and improved Communism, with 33% less killing!
CROW: About as exciting as New Coke.
> In the final years of the millennium,
MIKE: This sounds like the beginning of a bad sci-fi movie.
CROW [in a deep voice]: "Wandering the nuclear wastelands in the final years
of the millennium, one man looks for a vanguard party."
> that seems to be the conventional
> wisdom: they tried communism,* but it didn't work.
MIKE: Oh, so Communism is like that Smash-Up Derby set my parents bought me
once.
> Well, it may be conventional, but it has nothing to do with wisdom.
CROW: Just like politics has nothing to do with integrity.
TOM: Or intelligence.
> You don't try on a new social system like you try on a new jacket.
MIKE: And, of course, you don't get two pairs of pants with it, either.
TOM: Yeah, but how about free cufflinks?
> The revolutions
TOM: 33 1/3 per minute.
>in Russia and China
>took place over a span of three or
> four generations and involved over a billion people,
TOM [Carl Sagen voice]: Billions and billions of people.
> one out of every three humans on the planet.
CROW: Believe O.J. was guilty.
> These were social transformations which
> were larger and more important than anything else mankind has
> undertaken in several thousand years of recorded history.
CROW: With the possible exception of Rap Music's popularity and the Grunge Look.
MIKE: Let's not forget "Star Trek"'s premiere.
THE BOTS: Fanboy! Faaaaaaanboy!
>These
> revolutions
MIKE: will not be televised.
>represented the first attempts to take entire nations and
> continents to a social order free of exploitation.
TOM: And to bring the exploitation to a more personal level.
CROW: Why be screwed over by faceless capitialists when you can be screwed over
by faceless bearucrats?
MIKE: They are so much easier to bribe.
>The complexity and
> richness of
CROW: The paintings of Van Gogh was not appreciated until after his death.
>this historical experience is such that no person can
>comprehend it.
MIKE: Sort of like quantum physics
TOM: So why waste our time with it, then?!
MIKE: How could you say that about quan-
TOM: I'm talking about *communism*, Mike.
MIKE: Okay, back to the manifesto.
> However, a large collective of people,
CROW: Such as the Osmond or King families.
TOM: Then there is the Jacksons.
>with consistent
>study and practical experience,
TOM: Can earn a degree in just three short months.
CROW [as Sally Struthers]: High school, TV/VCR repair, Gun repair, and Communist
theory.
>can come to understand the most
>important themes and experiences from this period.
TOM: Yes, the twenties was an important period for American literature.
>Developing and
>applying
TOM: Knowledge about your skin's natural processes to make it more healthy and
flawless.
>this understanding is the role of a revolutionary party such
>as PLP.
CROW: Don't confuse them with the PCP, they don't imitate the Peruvian army and
take cocaine money.
TOM: Yes, PLP, Prince's Last Party-Boy, that guy partied like it was 1399.
CROW: He dressed more like it was 1699.
>Every worker who has ever felt like seeing her boss strung up,
MIKE: Boy, I'd like to see Dr. F strung up for sending me this junk!
BOTS: Mike, he might hear you!
>every worker who has ever dreamed of being his own boss,
CROW: Has turned to the Amway Corporation.
>every person who
>sees the corruption and despair of capitalist society
TOM: Every person who has watched "60 Minutes".
CROW: Every person who got broke from Christmas shopping.
>needs to know
MIKE [announcer voice]: EZ credit is just a phone call away!
>something about revolutionary history.
CROW: Next on The History Channel.
>These revolutions
MIKE: At 33 and a third per minute.
TOM: Hey, that's my joke.
>provide us
>with a glimpse of what is possible.
TOM: No peeking! Just a glimpse.
CROW: Yeah, we don't want to spoil the suprise!
>In the U.S., the very heart of
MIKE: Rock and Roll is still beating.
BOTS: Groooooooaaaaan, not Huey Lewis!
MIKE: Well, that's what you get for calling me fanboy.
>the imperialist beast
CROW: Who is this "imperialist beast"?
TOM: Barney.
>and
TOM: The imperialist beauty.
>one of the richest nations on earth,
CROW: If you don't believe us, just ask the Congress.
>millions are homeless and hundreds die of cold exposure
CROW: As opposed to warm exposure.
TOM: Are they talking about Siberia?
>each winter, huddled
MIKE [in coach voice]: Okay, Harrison, you and Kowalski and Holmes take the
point guard. Lyons, assist O'Neil.
>over grates and in doorways in the major northern cities.
CROW: I wonder how many of them are lame teenbopper spare-changers.
>Over 30,000
>people commit suicide each year in the U.S. -- some years more, some
>less, depending on the unemployment rate.
TOM: And the amount of times "Baywatch" is shown per week.
>To deny working people the
>history of our class,
CROW: Will only annoy them less.
>of the revolutions carried out by others like us
>in other times and places, is to deny us vision and hope.
CROW [in Forest Gump voice]: And that's all I can say about that
>In many
>cases, it is to deny life itself.
MIKE [in shrill falsetto]: BABY-KILLER!
>This little pamphlet
CROW: Was made possible, ironically enough, by technology developed by the
Department of Defense to continue the flow of information in case of nuclear
war with a Communist country.
TOM: Hey, don't give them an aneyrusum.
>can't fill in all the information blacked out by
>the capitalist filter over all the years of your life.
MIKE: Those bastards who taught me history never told me about Roswell!
>It will try to
>point you toward some of the most useful sources
TOM: Such as your local library or post office.
CROW: and FTP sites.
>and relate a few
>accounts
CROW: of past life experiences.
MIKE: Yeah, I was Mao in a past life. I'm pretty normal, but every now and
then, I want to appoint four people to jail the intellectuals and small
business owners.
>so you will at least see these revolutions were not just a
>little glitch in history.
TOM: Like Viet Nam or the Rodney King beating.
>Rather they were the first breakthroughs
>into a new world.
ALL: (Singing) A whole new world.
>For the moment the passage seems to have collapsed
>and all is darkness.
CROW (As Jean-Paul Satre): All iz being and nothingness.
>But there is a way through.
MIKE: It's called Rogaine, with Monoxidil
TOM: Just call this toll free number.
>The first step toward
>finding it is to know there is another side.
TOM [in Darth Vader voice]: You will come to the other side, Luke. The
Kommisar has foreseen it.
CROW: Mixing science fiction and Communist structures, I see.
MIKE [in Vader voice]: If you knew the power of the Red side of the Force!
>1. Based on successes of earlier revolutions, how would we organize
>society if we had power today?
MIKE: I HATE pop quizzes!
>Communism is about organizing society to meet human needs
CROW: Yes, the need to seize property, brainwash the masses and execute
millions.
TOM: All the fun of fascism, with none of the property-owning!
>rather than
>organizing society to produce goods for individual profit.
TOM: Individualism is just plain wrong.
>Communist
>revolutions in the past
MIKE [Old Man]: Why in my day, Communism wasn't available on every street corner
like it is today. We had to WORK for it!
TOM [Old Man]: We had to *fight* for those copies of the Militant!
>have begun by trusting ordinary people
CROW: Oh yeah, trusting ordinary people--then giving them the shaft!
TOM: Ordinary People-starring Mary Tyler Moore and Donald Sutherland.
>to identify their greatest needs.
MIKE: I feel the need, the need for SPEED!
>For example, early in the Chinese
>revolution,
CROW: People got pissed that Westerners considered fried pork rice "real
Chinese food."
MIKE: I would be too!
>the most "urgent demand" of the peasantry in communist
>controlled areas was for
CROW: Food, clothing, shelter and potable water.
TOM: Oh that's not what I was thinking . . .
CROW and MIKE: TOM!
>the redistribution of land so that every
>person could earn a decent living from the land which she or he
>tilled.
CROW: Oh, and THAT, too.
>As a result, land was confiscated
TOM: A nice word for "stolen".
MIKE: But officer, I was confiscating this VCR to help redistribute wealth.
CROW: Don't forget that for a few people, lacking legimate venues to income and
the patience to wait for long-term gain, turn to crime.
TOM and MIKE: O-kaaaaaaay.
>from landlords
CROW: Of the Flatbush.
>and rich peasants,
CROW: Rich peasants??!! Isn't that an oxymoron?!
MIKE: Just what is a rich peasant?
TOM: Someone who has leftovers after harvest?
>leaving them only as much as they themselves could farm.
CROW: 'Cause Peasants Farms remembahs.
>The poorest farmers,
MIKE: As well as the Beat Farmers.
TOM: and the hemp farmers.
>tenants and farm laborers were all provided with
>enough land to provide a livelihood for their families.
MIKE: Unless, of course, the land was barren or unworkable.
TOM: Them's the breaks.
>It became illegal to make a living off the labor of others,
CROW: Unless you worked for the government.
MIKE: That happens everywhere, Crow.
>by just owning land for example.
>Everyone was expected to work to eat,
TOM: Except Roseanne.
>but everyone was
>guaranteed a share of land, tools and animals so they could work.
MIKE: or your money back.
TOM: Forty acres and a mule-Asian style.
>The Chinese revolution was
MIKE: One of the highest-rated shows in 1949, next to the Texaco Star Theater.
>a great experiment in a new form of social organization
TOM: Took place somewhere else.
>that underwent many changes as people tried to learn how
>to most effectively meet their own needs.
TOM: Or how to make the adjustment from a cruel, oppressive feudal system to a
cruel, oppressive Communist one.
CROW: Effectively skipping the cruel, oppressive capitialist system.
MIKE: Why wait?
>The organizational changes
>reflected an evolving sense of
TOM: Nausea.
>what was possible through cooperation
>and a reliance on the abilities of ordinary members of society to
>accomplish great things.
TOM: Such as how to make those little metal thingees with only 25 million prison
laborers at your disposal.
CROW: And Michael Bolton CDs besides!
>Following land redistribution in China, the cooperative movement
>emerged as an example of a socialist society.
TOM: And Broderick Crawford emerged as a surprise Best Actor winner.
>Agricultural cooperatives were formed by pooling
MIKE: Yes, you too can have a lovely kidney-shaped pool.
>the resources (land, farm
>equipment, labor power, etc) of individual farmers.
CROW: They make it sound so nice.
TOM: The "New Man" sounded nice too.
>Membership
TOM: has it privilidges.
>in a
>collective farm was voluntary.
CROW: But, if you didn't volunteer, you would be taken to a large stadium, and
in front of thousands, you'd be shot in the head, and your widow charged 13
cents for the bullet.
TOM: Doesn't sound very voluntary to me.
MIKE: It's a contradiction in terms, like "fresh frozen."
>Guidance in formation and governance
>was given by experienced leaders to ensure success.
MIKE: The same leaders who'd gotten you into this mess in the first place.
>Individuals, such as widows or orphans, who had no land to contribute were
CROW: Farmed out as prostitutes or cheap hard labor.
TOM: and was charged 12 cents for being sick.
>given membership in the cooperative.
>This was done as "a form of social insurance or social security,
CROW: So their system's going broke, too?!
>doing for friends and neighbors what one hopes they would do for you under
>the same circumstances.
CROW: And like a good neighbor, The State is there.
TOM: And like good neighbors, they talk about your every move.
>Members' rights and duties were clearly
MIKE: voilated.
>outlined.
MIKE[sarcastic]: Uh-huh.
>Cooperative members were paid according to their work - that is, more work,
>more pay.
CROW: Uncooperative members were allowed to dig their own graves.
>Successful production depended on the ability to work together
>cooperatively.
TOM: Can't we all get along?!
>Overall, agricultural output
CROW: Input, output.
>increased with this collective effort.
>Corn
CROW: Used to make delicious corn flakes.
>yeild was at an all-time high and wheat futures skyrocketed.
>Because of the success of the cooperative farms, the Chinese Communist
>Party tried to move to a more advanced form of social organization.
MIKE: Unfortunately, public floggings and hangings didn't quite seem to work.
>Cooperatives merged to form communes.
CROW: And thus, the Summer of Love was born.
TOM: Groovy.
>This pooling of land, resources
>and labor power on a large scale made projects that had been
>impossible suddenly become practical (Shenfan, p206).
CROW: Like parking lots, large mounds of dirt and internment camps.
>Communes were as large as towns and counties
CROW: Haight-Ashbury, Berkley and West Hollywood, to name a few.
>and took on the function of government.
CROW [in deep voice]: C'mon, Government, I'll take ya all on, man.
TOM [falsetto]: Stop it Danny, stop it!
CROW: You're lucky my chick's with me!
>During the years in which communes operated successfully,
TOM: 1950-52, exclusively.
>China's social and economic development rapidly moved forward.
MIKE: Like Government beauracracy or the Postal System.
CROW: Whole communes waited two years to have mail delivered to the next
province.
>Most communes
>provided their members with the seven basic requirements of life:
CROW: Sex, drugs, rock and roll, cable TV, nice clothes, comfortable shoes and
a warm place to go to the bathroom?
TOM: Not quite.
>food, clothing, childbirth expenses, education, medical care, marriage
>and funeral expenses.
MIKE: Were non-existant.
>These things were provided to all members of the
>commune based on need, the so-called "supply system."
TOM: Much like the "honor system", but much more corrupt.
>Some of the more successful communes additionally provided housing,
CROW: A lovely, two-room sod hut.
TOM: With a real campfire area three miles down.
>fuel for winter heating,
TOM: Wood for that three-mile campsite.
CROW: And all the kerosene you can eat.
>provision of baths
CROW [James Brown]: Hot tub!
TOM: The Gay Baths were especially popular.
>and haircuts
CROW: If you didn't mind looking like Moe of the Three Stooges.
>as well as plays and films.
MIKE: Doris Wishman and "How To Turn In Your Borgeious Parents" were very
popular.
CROW: Later, Sam Shepard and Yahoo Serious became the gods of their day.
>The communist principle of "from each according to commitment, to each
>according to need"
TOM: To each his own and into each life a little rain must fall.
>was actually practiced.
CROW: As long as it didn't interfere with govermental procedure.
>A description of the "supply system" of food distribution in one
>northern Chinese village is provided by William Hinton in his book,
>Shenfan:
TOM: Shenfan? Isn't that an Irish terrorist group?
MIKE: No, that's SINN FEIN!
CROW: I thought that was a creamy, whipped margarine spread.
TOM: Creamy? Whipped?
MIKE: TOM! No, you idiot, that's CHIFFON.
TOM: Oh, the Chiffons. I love "He's A Rebel" and "Da Doo Ron Ron".
MIKE: Never mind. Let's just listen to what this guy has to say.
CROW: and proceed to rip him to shreds.
>The community dining room, set up at the same time as the nursery
>[1958],
MIKE: Sounds like summer camp. Oh my god, I was indoctrinated!
CROW: And it all probably combined the *delightful* smells of the camp and the
nursery.
>lasted much longer, through July, 1962.
TOM: Then, disaster struck and "Cheyenne" was cancelled.
CROW: They had to be content with "Have Gun, Will Travel."
>At first each of the six teams in Long Bow [Village]
MIKE: Long Bow?! What is this, "Little Big Man" all of a sudden?!
>opened a dining room but later they
CROW: added a bar, a lounge and a self-serve salad bar.
>paired off, two teams sharing one.
TOM: Sort of like "Henry and June"
>Thus three public kitchens operated throughout most of the period.
CROW: 6 a.m to 10 p.m., six days a week.
>At the start, in spite of mobilization
>meetings to explain the advantages of collective dining,
CROW: And collective food poisoning.
>only a minority of the peasants ate there.
CROW: Word of mouth got around that the people in those three kitchens couldn't
cook their way out of a paper bag.
TOM: The majority were smart enough to starve.
>Any family that could spare a
MIKE: Dime, brother?
>member to do the cooking at home did so. But later, as the food and
>the service improved in the dining rooms,
MIKE: Truckers from all over flocked in.
>almost everyone came.
CROW: Saw, and threw up.
TOM [in agiated voice]: "This food sucks!"
MIKE [deep]: "Well, comrade, unless you want to stop eating premeantly . . ."
TOM: "Uhhhh, this food is delicious! Wonderful! The pork fried rice is what I
always wanted!"
>What made the dining rooms so popular,
MIKE: Colorful menues, reasonable price and free toys for the little ones.
>once they got on their feet, was, first, convenience and, second, free
>supply.
TOM: Woo Hoo!! A free stash!!
>... Obviously this
>was not free food in any ordinary sense.
MIKE: Of course not.
>Long Bow people ate no grain stocks
CROW: Or Treasury Bonds, either.
>produced by other people's labor.
TOM: Owww! I hate that word, it reminds me of the story of the woman who was in
labor for two months.
CROW: Yeah, right, and when the kid was born, he spoke fluent Spanish.
TOM: How did YOU know?!
MIKE: Will you two knock it off! They're talking about food!
>They consumed no foods
CROW: Obivously.
>that were not paid for with money they themselves had earned.
TOM: So a Diner's Club card was probably a non-entity, right?
>The more food and money they allocated to the dining rooms,
MIKE: The more salminela was allowed to roam tall and free.
TOM: and the greater the shock they had their money and labor is paying for
this crap.
>the less food and money was distributed as family shares.
ALL: (Singing) It's a family of shares! It's a family of shares!
>What free supply meant in this context was that the food was supplied,
CROW: And, it was free! Duh!
>in part or in whole,
TOM: Or whatever.
>equally to all on a per capita basis without regard to work points earned,
>that is, in part or in whole, on the basis of need and not on the
>basis of work performed.
TOM: In other words-What the Hell are you talking about??!!
CROW: Like they said earlier, it's free food. You don't have to work for it.
You get the same amount, though.
TOM: Then why didn't they say that?
MIKE: They were too impressed with themselves.
>In regard to food then, the community jumped
TOM: Off tall buildings, en masse.
>... to the Communist principle of distribution according to need. (p.
>231)
MIKE: In high school I had a Communist principal.
TOM: You did?
MIKE: Yeah, and I hated the guy, too. Once there were a whole bunch of kid's
cussing in the hall, and he grabs me out of the bunch and yelled at me right in
front of everyone.
CROW: Uh, that's nice, Mike......
MIKE: No, I mean it. Right in front of all of these girls and everything. And
I didn't even say anything.
CROW: W-what's that have to do with com-
[Tom hushes Crow]
TOM: W-why don't we just forget about it and get back to this-
MIKE: How can I forget about it?! All of these other clowns were laughing at
me and THEY were the ones causing all the trouble, not me!
CROW: M-Mike, I understand-
MIKE: Don't EVER touch me, again, Crow!
TOM: (Sort of cheerful) L-let's see what they have to s-say about the dining
facilities, o-okay, fellas?! (Whispers to Crow) Call the police.
MIKE: I'm better now. Thanks, guys.
TOM: Geesh, Mike, we never know how to react to you, sometimes.
MIKE: Come on, guys, painful and traumatic high school memories linger a long
time.
If you were human, you would understand that. I mean one time, in eleventh
grade, there was this one girl that I liked a whole lot-
CROW: Uh, Mike, let's just get back to the Communist Manifesto, 1995 version,
shall we?!
MIKE: Oh, okay.
>Obviously the dining rooms set up in 1958 answered a real need.
TOM: The need for diarrhia, nausea and prolific flatuence.
>Many
>social innovations created during the Great Leap
CROW: The "Great Leap"?! Is that anywhere near the Great Lakes?!
TOM: Or how about "The Great Gatsby"?!
CROW: Or the Great Divide?!
TOM: No, no, he was talking about QUANTUM Leap!
MIKE: Okay! Knock it off, already!
>collapsed long before
TOM: The last soccer fans had managed to get off.
>the public dining rooms did [under 1962 instructions from central
>authorities to return to more capitalist methods].
MIKE: Such as bad food, poor service and high-prices.
CROW: As opposed to bad food and poor service.
>... They lasted
CROW: far into the night.
>longer in Long Bow
CROW: Is that a folk song?
TOM (singing): "They stay longer in Long Bow, they stay harder--"
MIKE and CROW: TOM!
>than in many other brigades.
CROW: "Angel's Brigades"!
TOM: That's "Angel's Revenge"!
MIKE: Same difference!
>In at least one other
>brigade under the Changchih administration
TOM: As opposed to the Changchih DYNASTY.
>they never collapsed at
>all. (p. 232)
MIKE: Until it was struck by a moderate earthquake.
>Our party's
ALL: (Singing) It's our Party and we can cry if we want to, cry if we want to.
>outlook
CROW: Is not far from the Great Lakes.
>is that communism offers the best possibility for
>a good life for the majority of people on earth.
MIKE: The majority too oppressed or too stupid to know the difference.
>What would such a society look like in an industrialized country today?
TOM: It would be tall, tan, high, wide and handsome.
>The primary
>difference between what we have now and the society we envision is
TOM: We have Ed Asner and the Power Rangers and THEY don't.
>that communism would bring true equality.
MIKE: Much like the equality between a janitor at MicroSoft and Bill Gates.
>There would be no difference
>in
MIKE: the level of misery.
>social standing or getting what we need because of race,
CROW: Race Bannon?!
>job title,
TOM: Serf, First Class.
>gender
TOM: Ah, the hip, PC way of saying "sex", most often used 'cause it doesn't
remind these guys of what they are missing.
CROW and MIKE: *Grrooooooooaaaaaaan*
>or type of education.
CROW: In the Year Zero, all educated ones must forget everything they've
learned.
>Equal access to opportunities
TOM: Public latrines and forced labor are available to everyone!
CROW: That sounds way too much like outdoor concerts.
>and the
>basic requirements of daily life
MIKE: We give you a cold potato, a bowl of gruel and a piece of moldy bread.
What MORE do you want?!
CROW [little British boy voice]: Please sir, may I have some more gruel?
>for all would be the goal.
MIKE: To win the game.
>Many would agree that this is the ideal society,
CROW: Many new lobotomy patients or disgruntled Postal employees.
TOM: But the disgruntled postal workers wouldn't be able to get AK's in that
society.
CROW: They could always join the armed forces and beat up on disidents
TOM: Ah, I see.
>so why shouldn't it be possible?
MIKE: Why?! I'll tell you.
(Both Robots singing): he's going to tell, he's going to tell......
>Millions of Chinese collective farmers
TOM: Have gotten degrees from ICS, and so can you.
>before us have showed that, in
CROW: The year 2525.
>fact, it is possible --
TOM: Oh, come on. ANYTHING'S possible!
>they lived and produced for years under a system of communist economic
>relations.
MIKE: With nothing whatsoever to show for it.
>With dedication and hard work
CROW: They were able to afford this brand new car! (Cheers)
>we can build on their accomplishments.
MIKE: We can build them better, stronger faster. We have the tools, we have
the idealogy, we have the guns!
>What would it look like?
TOM: Pauly Shore?!
>It is hard to say exactly,
CROW: They don't want to believe the worst case scenario.
>but a communist revolution
MIKE: will not go better with Coke.
>would profoundly
>change how we produce things as well as how we divide up the products.
MIKE: 90% to the leaders. 10% to the rest.
>Let's indulge in a little fantasy.
ALL: All RIGHT!!
TOM: How about women who floor the gas pedals of their cars?!
CROW: Will you shut up!
>Imagine organizing clothing production in the garment shops of Los
>Angeles after the working class has seized power.
TOM: Or, after the Rodney King riots.
CROW: And the assorted floods, earthquakes and fires.
>We have already eliminated wages and money.
CROW: People now work for aluminum foil and bits of string.
>Food distribution has been converted to
>the "supply system" --
MIKE: And the garage has been converted into a guest room.
>groceries are being distributed according to
>family size.
CROW: The country has been taken over by the Van Pattens.
>Now stocks of clothing are running low and people must
>have clothing.
TOM: So, the Dollar-a-Pound Store has become a franchise.
CROW: Doofus! He said no money!
TOM: Oh.
>So the Party clubs
TOM: thousands into unconsciousness.
>in the garment industry have been
>asked to reopen as many factories as possible
CROW: But, thanks to NAFTA, there are no more garment factories.
TOM [sarcastic]: Oh, they'll just have to revolutionise computer programmers.
MIKE: Like they'll stay around.
TOM [in small voice]: "Is it too late to go to Mexico and revolutionize the
slaves of imperialism in Mexico?"
CROW [deep]: "Sorry, we have to wait for gas."
>and reestablish
>production, which was shut down during the past months of civil war.
MIKE: A Ken Burns Production.
>Our comrades there are in touch with
TOM: Their inner-childs.
>hundreds of close supporters.
CROW: Hundreds of close athletic supporters roll off the assembly line.
>We call a series of meetings,
MIKE: Inner-office memos are sent, faxes are buzzing, positions are
restructured.
>beginning with the people we know
TOM: Sounds like multilevel marketing.
>who have
>shown themselves capable of giving leadership.
TOM: Or giving he-
CROW and MIKE: WATCH IT!!
>We begin developing a
>plan for collective management of the shops.
TOM: The sweat shop is back in vogue.
CROW: They learn a lot from the capitalists.
>We explain the situation
>of clothing supply around the liberated areas,
TOM: Such as the calfs and the bikini areas.
>where the needs are most acute,
MIKE [As Rodoulf]: I'm acute! I'm acute! She says I'm acute!
>where stocks remain.
TOM: Trouble follows.
>Together with comrades and friends from the factories,
TOM: We do a song and dance number.
MIKE: You pop open a cold, refreshing Miller Ice.
>the Party leadership puts forward a plan
CROW: Nine, from outer space.
TOM: Is Ed Wood going to have his picture up with Marx and Lenin?
>for what
MIKE: It's worth.
>the collective of garment workers might be able to contribute
TOM: to the Save the Children Fund.
>to the
>clothing needs of the people.
CROW: But, most likely, won't be able to come to any good whatsoever.
>We discuss problems.
MIKE: Like cheating, juvenile delinquency or what to do on a date.
>How many hours should we work?
TOM: How many times must a white dove fly?
>Who else can we recruit to help?
CROW: Who is Harry Crumb?
>How desperate is the need?
TOM: Real desperate? Can you stop thinking about it? How ofter do you scrub
your naughty bits?
CROW: Shut up!
>How should the work be reorganized to make it more interesting
>and safer?
CROW: Bright, colorful toys during break!
TOM: On job training! [feminine] "First, thimbles are your friends."
MIKE: How about the burning question? How many licks does it take to get to
the center of a tootsie pop?
>Workers immediately take on the organizational tasks that used to be
>reserved for "skilled managers" under capitalism.
CROW: In our system, they're just called "plantation overseers".
TOM: They have the oppurtunity to screw up that was only reserved for the rich.
>So the old shop bosses are gone,
ALL (Singing): Where have all the old shop bosses gone, long time passing?
>but what about the clothing designers?
CROW: If Calvin Klein and Yves St. Laurent can be executed, then maybe
Communism isn't so bad after all.
MIKE: Yeah, but, maybe the guy responsible for those Bugle Boy Jean ads can do
some serious time, too.
>Some do have useful skills.
TOM: Their fashion shows could entertain the workers for hours on end.
MIKE: "Kids, this was what the capitalists considered *stylish*."
CROW: But that's not useful enough to keep them alive for very long.
>Will they come back to the
CROW: Five and dime, Jimmy Dean?
>re-opened factories, even though they will get nothing special for working,
TOM: No way.
>just their share
CROW: All I want is what's coming to me. All I want is my fair share.
>of food, etc., like everyone else who shows up at the food distribution
>site, regardless of work.
CROW: Sulking, shiftless people, looking for a hand-out!
TOM: That will describe Todd Oldman *perfectly*.
MIKE [as Todd]: "I was making millions selling tin foil dresses!"
TOM [gruff]: "Shaddup and eat your gruel!"
>As in earlier revolutions,
TOM: Nations were ruined, crops burned and people mowed down like so much wheat
chaff.
>a small percentage of the skilled work force (people like designers,
>engineers, architects, doctors and computer programmers) will join the
>revolution early on to help any way they can.
MIKE: More likely, however, they will liquify their assets and take the next
flight to Canada.
>thers will join more
>reluctantly
TOM: But once we aimed that AK to their head, they were signing those party
papers and singing them anthems.
CROW: Don Knotts is "The Reluctant Bolshevik"!
>or try to demand special treatment because they have
>certain skills.
MIKE [as Jerry Lewis]: "C'mon, lady, I made French people laugh!"
CROW: Others, with no skills like Newt Gingrich, Bill Clinton and Jesse
Jackson will be hung with piano wire.
>The workers on the garment factory steering committee
MIKE: I just had a new steering committee put on my car.
TOM: Really?
MIKE: Yeah, it was giving me a lot of trouble lately.
CROW: Mike, you're stranded in SPACE! You haven't had access to a car for over
two years!
TOM: (To Crow) He's gone.
CROW: Yeah. He's out there.
>put out a
>leaflet to all who had a role in actually producing clothes before the
>revolution, even the designers, inviting them back to the factory,
CROW: Threatening them, more like.
>now re-opened "under new (workers') management."
TOM: Eagleson's Tall And Fat.
>They welcome those who want to serve
MIKE: Alcohol to minors.
>the working class and struggle against the elitist ideas
>of others.
CROW: Like Rush Limbaugh and Michael Kinsley, to name a few.
MIKE: Don't you just love bipartisanship?
>First and foremost we put our confidence in ordinary workers, not
>specialists.
TOM: Because ordinary workers don't charge an arm and a leg for their services.
>The working class has the most to gain from revolution
CROW: But the most likely will be brutalized and exploited.
>and is always the driving force behind social change that
>benefits the mass of the population.
TOM: At first.
>Among those tens of thousands of
MIKE: Satisified customers.
>garment workers who will eventually come under our lead,
CROW: Uh, you mean LEASH.
>there will be many who now become designers-- those who have not been
>allowed to develop their skills and potentials as designers under capitalism.
TOM: They never kissed butt, brown-nosed or slept with the boss.
>The response is slow at first.
TOM: Like the critics' response to "Showgirls".
>Only the Party
CROW: Is over, turn out the lights.
>comrades and our
>immediate base of
TOM: qualified applicants.
>a few dozen show up on the designated day to start
>production. But we make some pants.
MIKE: Soon, the Coco Chanel pantsuits fly out of the factory and all the
workers are gadding it up to beat the band.
>After a day or two workers see
CROW: that there's no point to continuing.
>what it's like to work in a shop which they organize themselves,
MIKE: Into groups of three.
>and they see that the clothes they sew are being used by other workers
CROW: For rags, dropclothes and dishtowels.
>who need them, not to make somebody rich.
TOM: Hey, Buddy Rich!
CROW: Knock it off!
>The word starts to get around
MIKE: And soon, your reputation is shot.
>and others come to check it out.
TOM: Hey! Check it out!
CROW: New dishtowels!
>Within a month we have seven
MIKE: Elevens dotting the landscape, as far as the eye can see.
>shops up
CROW: the creek.
>and running with close 500 workers
TOM: With "close 500 workers"?
MIKE: It's just a typo, Tom. Give them a break. Besides their perverted
ideology, Socialists are allowed a few spelling errors along the way.
TOM: I guess so......
>and a handful of designers, machine
>repair people and office staff.
CROW: Have made the Saturn the car of the future.
>Workers who are interested
CROW: In staying alive
>are encouraged to work with the specialists, learning to repair or build
>machinery, design the patterns or do other work requiring special
>skills.
TOM: Experience in working with pastes, glues, glitter and construction
paper a must.
>The schedules, output plans and the choice of
MIKE: Baked potato, French fries, or rice pilaff.
>clothing to be
>produced are all discussed at lively meeting of the workers.
MIKE: Kegs will be tapped and inhibitions abandoned
TOM [falsetto]: "Oh Joe, you hunk of proletirat (sp?) burning love!"
>Party
TOM: On, dude!
CROW: Oh, good one, Servo.
>members among them try to keep people
MIKE: From thinking about silly stuff like sleeping.
>thinking about how this
>particular shop fits into the overall revolutionary effort in the
>garment district, in L.A., and in the world.
CROW: But, like most of us, it's way over their heads.
>This little fantasy
MIKE: About Traci Lords.
>could be something like
TOM: Being discovered by a bunch of high school cheerleaders in their dressing
room after the big Homecoming game.
>what will happen one day
TOM: If, the price is right!
>in Los Angeles, or it could be way off.
TOM: Like in Sydney.
>The degree of upheaval, the
>incredible release of energy,
TOM: As well as the release of-
CROW and MIKE: Watch that!
>the nearly super-human
CROW: Kevin Sorba?!
TOM: He said "super-human", NOT "stupid-human"!
CROW: Oh, yeah.
>efforts and accomplishments of regular people
MIKE: Who make Bran Flakes a part of their everyday routine.
>in a revolutionary situation make it
>hard for a person growing up under dying capitalism to imagine just
>what it will be like.
TOM: Well, I can certainly see his point. I just don't understand it!
>But we understand certain principles
MIKE: We, however, don't and could care less.
>from the
>way earlier revolutions
CROW: The "way earlier revolutions"??!! Come on, Mike, is it inherit in the
Communist system to produce such banal, low-grade, pre-school phrases?!
TOM: Maybe they're from California. Brain damage is a state trait.
MIKE: Well, you know, in any cultural upheaval involving the violent overthrow
of a Government by the masses, many so-called elites and intellectuals are the
first to shot or institutionalized. It's a sad fact of history, my two little
automatronic wanna-bes.
CROW: So, if Communism ever takes over the U.S., we can count on people who
have nothing more to do than read Danielle Steel, subscribe to the Weekly World
News and watch "Married With Children", to be in charge?
MIKE: I'm afraid so. And we could even be taking orders from someone who
thinks Dennis Miller is funny, or, and I shudder to think about it, someone who
actually served on the Simpson murder jury.
TOM: (Tom, bursting into tears) No. NO! Say it isn't so, Mike! Say all of
these years of primary and secondary education hasn't gone to waste!
CROW: Don't worry about it, Tom. Americans are too fat and lazy to get up off
their butts and change the system, anyway.
MIKE (grabs Crow): That's it! I've had all of the bad-mouthing of America by
you that I can stand! (Heaves him towards the screen-Goes back to consoling Tom)
There, there. Let's get back to the text. Okay?
TOM: (Sniff) O-okay.
>have unfolded
[Crow picks himself up laboriously]
CROW: to make beautiful orgami
>and the way our Party works.
TOM: Scrubbing Parties. They work, so you don't have tooooo!!
>"From each according to commitment" does work.
MIKE: Well, in a rather abstract sense, I admit.
>Commitment comes from understanding what is necessary and what is possible.
CROW: And what is not possible and what is patently ridiculous.
>Communists lead
>by example:
MIKE: Well, they'd LIKE to, but it's hard sometimes.
>the first to volunteer,
TOM: To watch "Murphy Brown".
>the last to eat,
CROW: Perchance to barf.
>the most
>dependable when the group is faced with a difficult or dangerous job.
MIKE: Knows exactly when to leave.
>Many details of the communist world we can only guess at for now,
MIKE: So none of this is factual? You were deliberately wasting our time, then
?!
>but we know which direction we are headed.
CROW: Or be-headed, as the case may be.
>2. What are some examples of people working without personal gain?
MIKE: School teachers, for one.
>During the Great Leap Forward in China,
TOM: Came the "Small Step Backward" in Newark.
>"people went out by the
>millions from quiet villages and
CROW: attended Woodstock.
>carefully tended fields to build dams
>in the wilderness,
TOM: And participated in other general wastes of time.
>dig canals that changed the course of rivers,
MIKE: Big deal! Superman can do that without even breaking a sweat.
>open mines
TOM: An "open mine" is what someone needs to believe this drivel!
CROW: No, no, people with open minds can see right through it.
TOM: If you say so . . .
>wherever ore or coal could be found,
MIKE (Henry Fonda): I'll be there.
>and smelt
TOM: I thought I "smelt" something funny! Get it?!
CROW: Yeah, I get it! Now shad up, willya!
>iron and steel on the spot.
TOM: (To Crow) Ya know, my parents are in iron and steel.
CROW: (To Tom) Really?
TOM: Yeah. My mother irons and my father steals! HaaaHaaa!!
MIKE: You guys, that was an old and very bad joke.
BOTS: That's okay. This is an old and very bad manifesto! (Laughter)
>With full stomachs,
MIKE: And empty heads.
>high hopes
ALL [singing]: 'Cause we got hiiiiiiiigh hopes.
>and infectious zeal,
MIKE: Ohhh, I hate those infectious zeals, you know.
TOM: Oh, I know what you mean.
>they challenged nature.
CROW: And nature won, two falls out of three.
>Never had China's future seemed so bright."
TOM: Their future was so bright, they had to wear shades, I'm told.
MIKE: I heard that, too.
CROW: Then again, anything would look good after several centuries of wars and
oppression from within and without.
>(Shenfan, p208) Chao T'ung-min,
CROW: Served with fried or steamed rice, or lo mein, makes a delicious main
course.
>the first member of a Chinese
>village to join the iron smelting effort said, "Every time I recall
>those days I am filled with happiness". (Shenfan p218).
TOM: "And my nostrils were filled with sulfur".
>Millions of Chinese participated in the historic changes of that era
>with enthusiasm and determination.
MIKE: Millions of other are buried in a multitude of shallow graves that dot
the landscape.
>They did it because they had a goal
CROW: And an assist.
>and a belief that their efforts were important in achieving that goal.
CROW: Tending penalty
>They did it for the same reasons that parents care for their children,
MIKE: Fear that the kids will one day write a book about them?
CROW: To make them feel guilty?
>for the same reasons that people volunteer for the PTA,
CROW: To avoid scathing public humiliation?
TOM: To censor books?
>or that church members deliver meals to invalids.
MIKE: To make fun of them?
CROW: Hey!
TOM: To feel morally superior?
>All share a sense of commitment and responsibility
MIKE [mom voice]: "It's your responsiblity to clean up this mess, young man."
>a belief that what they
>are doing is not only right,
TOM: Kinda like the Crusades. And look what happened!
>but necessary.
CROW: But it ain't necessasarily so.
>Earlier it was said that communism is about organizing society to meet
>human needs.
CROW: Earlier, you distorted history.
TOM: And earlier, we ignored your remark. Just like we're doing now.
>Not all human needs are material.
MIKE: Sometimes they need a sharp crack on the butt with a clown hammer.
>Humans need to believe that who they are and what they do matters.
TOM: They need to believe that the new CBS shows will soon be cancelled.
>This need, when tapped,
TOM: Tapped?! Kegger at the Socialist Meeting Hall! WOO HOO!!
>unleashes enormous energy.
CROW: Like that of a medium red star, collapsing within itself.
>Think about your workplace.
MIKE: Don't make me scream.
>If the employees were free to organize
CROW: Themselves into dancers, actors and puppeteers.
>the work in such a way that they knew
>that their input made a difference in the way the job was done,
CROW: It still wouldn't make one bit of difference.
>or that they, or people like them,
MIKE: Mindless, myopic robots.
BOTS: Hey!
MIKE: Uh, oh, s-sorry, guys.
>directly benefited from the goods they
>were producing, how much more enthusiasm and dedication they would
>have for their work.
TOM: I dunno. You tell me.
>In a sense, this is personal gain.
CROW: Personal weight gain.
>It's got nothing to do with money.
MIKE: Then I want no part of it.
TOM: Of course, old copies of "Hustler" will do just fine.
CROW: Knock it off.
>It's a meaningful existence.
TOM: Yeah, right.
>An example from the Soviet Union during World War II brings this idea
>to life.
ALL [singing]: War brings good things to life.
>It is taken from a book by Alexander Werth, a British
>correspondent who was in the USSR during the war.
TOM: Oh, good for him!
CROW: Must have been a real treat for him.
MIKE: Cold, bombs, bad food--who could not love wintertime in Moscow in the
40s?
>He described the
>amazing feats performed by Soviet workers when their socialist
> country,
TOM: Feats of skill and daring to thrill the whole family!
>which they had built with their own hands over the past 24
>years, was being invaded by the Nazi army in 1941.
CROW: The only thing the Nazis ever did that merited some sort of praise.
>In order to prevent
>the Nazis from capturing factories needed to supply the front,
TOM: Several sternly-worded letters were sent to Hitler.
CROW [school marm voice]: "Don't you lie about only wanting Poland and then
turning around and trying to invade us!"
>workers packed up
MIKE: Their belongings and beat a path to Greenland.
>entire plants, put them on railroad cars, and moved them to
>safe locations a thousand miles behind the front lines.
TOM: Unfortunately, these were captured by the Japanese, who invaded from
Manchuria.
>Altogether between July and November 1941 no fewer than 1,523
>industrial enterprises, including 1,360 large war plants had been
>moved to the east ... a total of one and a half million railway
>wagon-loads. (Russia at War, p. 216)
CROW: You know, statistics mean nothing without the raw data.
>During the war, I had the opportunity of talking to many workers, both
>men and women,
MIKE: But especially the women.
TOM: Oh yeah, he really *talked* to the women.
>who had been evacuated to the Urals
CROW: The Urinals?!
MIKE: No, you idiot! The Urals! It's a mountain range in Russia.
CROW: Sorry, Mike. You won't here another LEAK outta me!
TOM: Good one Crow. Yeah, Mike, I'm too YELLOW to say anything!
MIKE: Stop it, right now!
CROW: What's the matter, Mike? Startin' to get a little PISSED off?!
TOM: Carrying it to the ex-STREAM, are we?!
MIKE [Grabs them both and bangs their heads together]: There! I think that
ends this little urinary discussion once and for all.
TOM: Geesh, we didn't mean to SHAKE you up, Nelson! Okay. Okay! Back to the
War, already!
>or Siberia during
>the grim autumn or early winter months of 1941.
TOM: Yep. No place like Siberia to spend the winter.
CROW: Yeah.
>The story of how whole
>industries and millions of people had been moved to the east,
MIKE: To lovely, planned communities.
>of how
>industries were set up in a minimum of time,
TOM: With maximum joy.
>in appallingly difficult conditions,
CROW: Lots of snow and stuff.
TOM [Frank Zappa]: Don't eat the yellow snow.
MIKE: TOM!
>and of how these industries managed to increase production
>to an enormous extent during 1942, was, above all, a story of
>incredible endurance.
CROW: But these people never had to read Stephen King, either.
>... People worked because they knew that it was
>absolutely necessary--
TOM: The gentle prodding of a bayonet did wonders for workers' morales.
>they worked twelve, thirteen, sometimes fourteen
>or fifteen hours a day; they "lived on their nerves";
CROW: And booze and benny's.
>they knew that
>never was their work more urgently needed than now.
MIKE: Soon, "Renegade" would be on.
>... while the
>soldiers were suffering and risking so much [fighting against the
>Nazis] it was not for the civilians to shirk even the most crippling,
>most heartbreaking work.
TOM: Canning peaches?!
>[He goes on to quote a local newspaper account from Sverdlovsk
MIKE: A *truly* unbiased source.
>, a city
>in the Ural mountains:]
TOM: Oh, you mean-
MIKE: Don't say it!!
>Winter had already come when Sverdlovsk
CROW: Now is the Winter of our Sverdlovsk content, made......
>received Comrade Stalin's
TOM: Pick-Me-Up bouquet.
>order to erect two buildings for the plant evacuated from the south.
MIKE: Marietta, Georgia?!
>The trains packed with machinery and people were on the way.
CROW: We're on our way!
>The war
MIKE: To end all wars.
>factory had to start production in its new home--and it had to do so
>in not more than a fortnight.
TOM: Oh, so this is Benny Hill, now?
CROW: No, the author is British!
TOM: Oh, I forgot.
CROW: It isn't hard.
>Fourteen days,
MIKE: On a dead man's chest!
TOM: Where the hell is the bottle of rum?
CROW: We'll need it to get through this crap.
>and not an hour more!
TOM: Or less.
>It was then that the people of the Urals came to this spot with shovels,
>bars and pickaxes:
CROW: No one knows why, exactly.
TOM: Bars were a bit hard to set up in the mountains during winter.
MIKE: The vodka would get frozen.
>students, typists, accountants, shop assistants,
>housewives, artists, teachers.
CROW: All resented the interruptions the war was causing.
>The earth was like stone,
MIKE: Sharon Stone?!
>frozen hard
TOM: Yeah, I would be-
MIKE: Not another word!
>by our fierce Siberian frost.
CROW: Is he related to our fierce Robert Frost?!
>Axes and pickaxes could not break the stony soil.
TOM: Stoney Soil. He was a character on "The Flintstones", right.
MIKE: I think so.
>In the light of arc-lamps people hacked
CROW: out some C code
MIKE: into Netcom
TOM: Up huge furballs.
CROW: That is very gross, Tom.
TOM: So were the furballs! (Laughter)
>at the earth all night.
CROW: Because there was nothing better to do.
>They blew up the stones
MIKE: I'd like to blow up Sylvester Stone!
TOM: We can dream.
>and the frozen earth, and they laid the
>foundations.
TOM: I'd like to have laid-
MIKE: Watch it. I mean it!
>... Their feet and hands were swollen with frostbite, but
>they did not leave work.
CROW: They were incredibly stupid.
TOM: The hypothermia and the rifles near the backs were getting to them.
>Over the charts and blueprints laid out on
>packing cases, the blizzard was raging. Hundreds of trucks kept
>rolling up with the building materials... On the twelfth day, into the
>new buildings with their glass roofs, the machinery, covered with
hoar-frost, began to arrive. Braziers
MIKE: "Braziers"?!
TOM: Well, something had to keep the workers warm, right, Mike?
MIKE: I don't even want to touch that [Robots burst into laughter], I mean, I-
Duuuhho!
>were kept alight to unfreeze the
>machines. ...And two days later, the war factory began production. (p.
> 219)
CROW: But, within two days, a wildcat union strike caused the company to cease
production and go belly up.
>Capitalists boast about how much work they can get out of their
>employees with strict supervisors and "modern, scientific" management
>techniques.
TOM: Yes, there was certainly NO war production in the U.S. during that time,
was there?!
>But only believing in what you are doing can really unlock
>people's creative energy.
TOM: Ladies and gentlemen, Tony Robbins!
>3. When workers took power, how did they do at running things?
TOM: They pretty much sucked.
>Capitalists would like us to believe that without their organizational
>skill and their technical experts, workers would just run around
>bumping into each other, never accomplishing anything.
CROW: Like my old electric NFL football game.
>During the
>decades that workers controlled the governments of Russia and China,
MIKE: Oh, come on. The workers were NEVER in charge of those countries!
TOM: Yeah, like I can picture Stalin or Kruschev or Mao putting together a
automobile frame as it comes down the line.
MIKE: Yeah, you guys are right. No matter what system we live under, the
little guy is always going to get stepped on. But at least here we have a
chance to make good. To rise above the ordinary and to become all that we
want to be.
CROW: Gee, Mike, that was beautiful. You know, if I had the capability to weep,
I'd be doing it right now.
TOM: Do ya have to quote an Army commerical?
CROW: Never mind that one.
MIKE: Thanks, Crow. Now (sniff) back to this garbage.
>this lie was disproved on a grand scale.
TOM: I thought it was disproved on a grand piano.
>The communist parties in these countries
CROW: Were often dull, lifeless affairs.
>drew most of their members from the ranks of factory
>workers, peasants and those intellectuals (teachers, engineers, etc.)
>who identified with the cause of the masses.
MIKE: Morning or midnight Masses?!
>In 1933, 89% of the members of the Soviet Communist Party were
>workers or peasants.
TOM: The other 11% were eleminated during Stalin's Blood Purges.
>During
>the decade of the 30s, this party organized and led the most rapid and
>thoroughgoing
MIKE: purge.
>industrialization of any country in history,
CROW: With the possible exception of Ethiopia in the Iron Age.
>with annual industrial growth rates of around 15%.
TOM: Oh, I am impressed.
>(U.S. industrial output was
>actually shrinking during the depression of the 30s, and during
>"recoveries" U.S. economic growth rarely exceeds 2-3% per year.)
MIKE: Then why did the Russians rely so much on our materials during the War,
then? Huh? HUH?! Mr. Smarty-Pants!
>Workers under the leadership of this worker and peasant party built
>the factories -
CROW: Under threat of iminent death.
>steel,
TOM: Is a product.
>petroleum,
MIKE: The fuel of a nation.
> machinery -
CROW: Things that help put things together.
> that would equip and mechanize the Red Army
TOM: Along with Red Buttons, Redd Foxx and Red Skelton.
>for its amazing defeat of the "invincible" Nazi army a few years later.
MIKE: Yes, never mind about the invasion of Europe, millions of tons of
material sent to Russia, or the severe winters. It was the Communist system
that did it all!
>Rather than bumping into each other,
TOM: They bumped into themselves.
CROW: H-huh?!
>it turned
>out that Russian workers performed much better than their counterparts
>in capitalist factories in the US and Europe.
TOM: But that still didn't prevent Joe Stalin from begging the U.S. for vital
supplies he needed, did it?!
>It turned out that
>workers worked better where they were led by the most advanced and
>committed from their own ranks, by other workers.
CROW: By other morons, just like them.
>They worked best
>when they
MIKE: Have armed guards pacing above them. We all do!
>knew they were building their own society, for the good of
>themselves and their children, rather than to make some boss rich.
TOM: No, they'd rather make some high Party official rich.
>The same sort of thing went even further in China during the Cultural
> Revolution in the late 1960s. Edoarda Masi, an Italian writer who
> lived in China for many years,
MIKE: Has no credibility, whatsoever.
>described Chinese factories in her 1981 book, China Winter:
TOM: I saw a film with China Winter in before!
MIKE: Now, now.
>The freedom enjoyed by the workers was incredible--
MIKE: Ya know, guys, "freedom" and "Communist Chinese workers" just don't seem
to go together in my book.
TOM: Yeah. That's not the way "The Last Emperor" painted things.
MIKE: Right! For my money, it's Peter O' Toole over Edoarda Masi ANY day of
the week.
CROW: Right on! Now back to the commentary.
TOM: I thought that's what WE were providing......
CROW: Oh, you know what I mean!
>scandalous for
>those managers accustomed to our factory system.
MIKE: That someone would actually get PAID for working.
>The workplace seemed
>to be a continuation of the personal world of the workers.
TOM: You mean dark, grey, forboding and miserable?
>In Luoyang,
CROW: A fresh, creamy meat sauce is just the right touch.
>in the famous tractor factory,
MIKE: John Deere? International Harvester?
>a worker's family came and went during work hours without the slightest
>inhibition.
TOM: The walked around nude, passed gas and scratched themselves.
MIKE: That is the LAST time!
>On the assembly line,
>workers would shift and switch duties by mutual consent without
>awaiting directions from on high.
CROW: From John Woo?!
>... in Peking, in the automobile
>factory, I remembered the Italian diplomat who was stupefied to see
>coming out of such a madhouse cars produced perfectly down to the last
>bolt. (p. 292)
CROW: Bumper cars
TOM: Chinese bumper cars. The mark of integrity.
>Throughout this city [Shanghai] and in many places elsewhere in China,
MIKE: Death and corruption go hand in hand.
>for ten years
CROW: We've been on our own.
>factories functioned without even the routine rules...
>there were no controls, people could stop work to carry out some
>cultural activity, groups took time out of the working day to study;
>there was a true rejection of supervisory authority.
TOM: But, if the quota wasn't met, armed guards would sweep through the factory
killing, maiming and torturing at will, and all in the name of progress!
>For the first time,
MIKE [singing]: It feels like the first time.
>workers were for ten years without bosses in the factories.
CROW: And the writer was for ten pages without any grammatical structure in this
essay.
>[Growth in production] was certainly not slowed down in absolute
>terms,
TOM: Just relative terms.
>for starting with the Cultural Revolution there was, on the
>whole and everywhere, a notable increase in production. (p.295)
MIKE: It's just that we really can't prove it.
>This doesn't mean that they did not use the specialized skills of
>engineers and others we would call "white collar" workers.
CROW: White collars keep us down, man!
TOM: Yeah, they won't let any circulation flow.
>But it
>means the factory dictatorship by a small group of owners, managers
> and their privileged experts could be abolished and perfect tractors
> kept rolling off the lines in increasing numbers.
MIKE: Albeit cheap and shoddy merchandise in increasing numbers.
>Engineers added
TOM: Just the right touch to make an economical and attractive meal.
>their know-how as equal partners, not as mini-bosses.
CROW: "Mini-bosses"?!
TOM: That's sort of like mini-malls.
MIKE: Billy Barty, Michael Dunn, you know.
CROW: Oh......
>Scheduling and organizing production was done by the workers themselves. We
>can do the same.
MIKE: Only different.
>4. How does revolution tap the unused talents of workers?
TOM: Like a cheap date on New Years Eve, my friend.
> AC:
TOM: DC
>- diagnosis of the ox's hernia ('Away with all pests')
CROW: YOU ask it to turn its head and cough!
>- human relations in the hospital (Pests)
TOM: Uh, Mike, I don't get this last idea.
MIKE: That's okay, Servo, neither did the author.
>5. Why does our Party believe communism is "human nature"?
CROW: Because they're goofy and dillusional?
TOM: Because they have absolutely no clue?
MIKE: Because they're too bizarre to be considered Republicans, Democrats or
Libertarians?
> We often hear that communism is impossible because it is against
"human nature."
TOM: No, it's against "nature's own order".
CROW: Then again, so is staying indoors, staring at a box, and constantly
typing stuff.
>According to this point of view, human nature,
>supposedly a permanent quality of all people, is identical to the
>behavior of capitalists in the marketplace.
MIKE: Or CATTLE in the marketplace.
>In other words, human nature is selfish.
TOM: Pretty much so. Yeah.
>While most people have their selfish side, saying
>that people are "naturally selfish" is the opposite of the truth.
CROW: Or consequences. [cheers]
>On the contrary, history and pre-history show human beings are social
>creatures.
MIKE [Peter Graves]: He learned too late that Man was a social creature......
>The period of "primitive communism" actually
TOM: Begin in late 1950.
>represents
>most of our time on earth as a species, beginning with the first
>humans around 250,000 years ago.
CROW: And they STILL haven't cleaned up their yard! (Laughter)
>The long early epoch of human life
>characterized by hunter-gather society was not a time of solitary cave
>men,
TOM: Lana. Zug-zug!
MIKE: Knock it off, okay!
>each defending his private territory. Rather, humans lived in
>groups where the work of food acquisition (gathering edible plants and
>hunting) was done cooperatively. Sharing was the norm,
CROW: Norman Bates?
>which is how
>this early system got the name primitive communism. With the
>development of agriculture 15,000 to 20,000 years ago, more and more
>humans began to live concentrated together in larger communities.
>Hunter-gatherer societies faded, but a few survived into this century,
>permitting us to learn from them.
TOM: Waitasec, they did this out of their own volution. No one stuck a rifle or
pumped propdaganda to accomplish this.
MIKE: Hey! The one writing this! Rachel Carson! Who cares?! Get to the point!
CROW: Mike, can't you see? There is NO point! Just mindless spewing that
seeks to make us believe that, deep down, we're all Communists.
MIKE: Yeah. I'm about to start a revolution and overthrow this guy.
TOM: I'm with ya there, pal!
>It is important to realize that humans have lived over 90% of our
>existence as a species in communistic hunter-gatherer tribes.
CROW: The we lived in Hunter Thompson tribes.
TOM: Does that mean we did drugs and wrote weird stuff? Cool!
CROW: That comes later.
>Sharing
MIKE: Is caring.
>is clearly central to our nature.
TOM: Like fast cars and loud radios.
>But can these communal instincts
>survive in a complex society?
CROW: Uh, no.
>Or are people inevitably transformed into
MIKE: Go-Bots.
>more selfish creatures as the community grows beyond the size of
>a hunter-gatherer tribe?
TOM: That's what happened to the Chicago Bulls, ya know.
MIKE: Yep, you're right about that.
TOM: Uh huh.
>Several of the examples you have read in the earlier sections of this
>pamphlet
CROW: Are mind-numbingly boring.
TOM: Are enough to turn the biggest liberal into a raving right-winger.
MIKE: Maybe this is all a joke to discredit Communism.
TOM: Like it needs any more discrediting than it already has.
>make it clear that size alone does not necessarily
TOM: Matter, rather it is the motion of the-
MIKE: Stop it, right now!
>lead to increased selfishness: ordinary citizens pouring out
TOM: the drinks
>of the shops and
>offices to
CROW: do holiday shopping.
>construct a war factory in the middle of the Siberian winter,
CROW: Like Pavlov's dogs.
>tens of millions of collective farmers forgoing private grain
>payments in favor of public food for all,
TOM: Are idiots.
>not to mention the countless
>selfless acts, small and large, that go into the monumental task of
>building a country.
MIKE: Time lemonade factory.
>Groups of people can and have shared and
>cooperated on a mass scale spanning decades and continents.
[all flicker their eyelids open and shut]
>In fact,
>the societies based on exploitation which arose in the last few
>thousand years represent a recent invention,
[start to drift to sleep]
>a deviation, not our
>underlying biological nature as a species. The construction
[all start to snore]
>of a
>society based on sharing and cooperation to satisfy human needs is a
>return to our true nature.
[all suddenly wake up]
TOM: What? What?! Oh, I fell asleep there for a second. D-did you have
anything important to say?
>6. If communism has so much to offer, why did capitalism return to
>Russia and China?
MIKE: Yeah!
TOM: Good point.
CROW: Yeah, what about it?!
>This is the most important question facing humankind at the close of
>the 20th century.
TOM: Well, that, and how we get Bill Clinton out of the White House.
CROW: And keep Pat Buchanan from getting in.
>Progressive Labor Party has an answer.
TOM: Wait a minute. I thought this was from the Communist Party!
CROW: Yeah! No fair changing Parties in the middle of a manifesto!
MIKE: Guys, relax. He lost his credibility after the first paragraph.
>We believe
>that earlier revolutions didn't go far enough.
ALL: Huh?!
CROW: What?!
>Socialism, although a
>vast improvement over capitalism, does not develop into communism, the
>desired society of complete equality.
TOM: So all of the praises of the Chinese and Soviet systems were all for
nought?! I've been violated guys!
CROW: You're not the only one.
>Is that because most people
>don't want equality, because most don't want to share with others?
CROW: Equality, e-schmality, all I want is a cold Pabst, a bowl of chips and
the cable remote.
END OF PART 1