MSTED. (Anime)(BGC/Exo-Squad) FFirc group MST of Knight Squadron chapter 1
David Lindquist
By
FFirc MST crew (Gary, Lerche, Andrew, Zoogz,
Pi, Nightman) and David (fido) Lindquist.
Disclaimer: Mystery Science Theater (MST) and all
characters associated with them are the property
of Best Brains Productions. They are being used
without permission. Knight Squadron was written by
Mr. X and is being used with his permission. All
other character are copyrighted by their respective
owners. They are ALSO being used without permission.
Note: This takes place during the episode 'Prince
of Space'. I would like to thank Gary, Zoogz, Sean
(Hotaru) Gaffney and the other people who made this
fic possible.
Thank you.
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The scene opens with Pearl and Observer in the
Widowmaker (an intergalactic VW Microbus). Behind
their craft, tethered by a long rope, is the
Satellite of Love. Both crafts are in a
wormhole. Everything is lit with a bright green
glow.
<Pearl>Well? See anything yet?
<Observer> No, nothing.
Pearl hits the steering wheel with her hand.
<Pearl>(angrily) If he causes my slot machines not to
be invented I'll...
Observer, with a worried look on his face, interrupts
Pearl.
<Observer>Oh no....
<Pearl>(irritated) What? Do you have to go to the
bathroom? Because if you do, you're going to have to
hold it because we are not stopping, mister!
<Observer> No... I have a feeling that something bad
is about to happen.
As soon as the words left his mouth, both Observer
and Pearl disappear.
They reappear in what looks exactly like the movie
theater on the Satellite of Love. Both of them are
still in the same positions they were on the
Widowmaker, Observer sitting with his brain in his
lap and Pearl with her arms out grasping a now
non-existent steering wheel.
<Pearl>I think you are just...so...full.... of..
(Shocked) What the hell?
Pearl drops her arms down and looks around the room.
<Pearl>Where are we?
<Observer>Hmm... We seem to be in the Satellite of
Love's theater room.
Pearl hits Observer.
<Pearl> I can see that! Now how did we get here?!?
<Observer> Apparently we must have hit a dimensional
distortion. It must have dropped us here. There is no
cause for alarm though because it's only temporary..
I hope.
Observer acts like he is listening to something.
<Observer> Someone else is coming.
Prof. Bobo appears in the seat next to Pearl. His
arms and legs are flailing about like he is falling.
<Prof. Bobo>AHHHHHHhhhh...huh?
Prof. Bobo looks next to him and sees Pearl.
<Prof. Bobo> Hello Lawgiver! (Looks around) I like
what you have done with the Widowmaker.
Pearl begins to move towards Prof. Bobo in an
apparent attempt to throttle him. Observer is
watching them. However before she can touch him, the
screen at the front of the movie theater activates.
<Man's voice> (Booming) SO, MY GUINEA PIGS HAVE
FINALLY ARRIVED!
The Pearl, Prof. Bobo and Observer look at the
screen. On it they see the very familiar faces of
Mike Nelson, Crow and Tom Servo. They are wearing lab
coats and look somewhat more sinister than usual. The
three appear to be standing in front of a control
console, in a laboratory. Pearl and the others look
surprised.
<Pearl>(shocked) Nelson? What in the wide, wide world
of clog dancing are you doing there?!?
<Dr. Nelson>(Booming) GETTING READY TO BREAK YOUR
WILL OF COURSE! (Cackles madly)
Crow nudges him slightly.
<Crow>Umm...Sir?
<Dr. Nelson> (booming) AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...WHAT IS IT
CROW? CAN'T YOU SEE I'M GLOATING NOW?
<Crow>Of course you are sir...but your volume control
is on the fritz again.
<Dr. Nelson>(booming) NO IT ISN'T!
Tom Servo speaks up.
<Tom> Sir? As much as I totally loathe even being in
the general area of support for anything that walking
junkpile says.... this time I have to concur.
Dr. Nelson starts to get angry at the accusations his
two assistants are making.
<Dr.Nelson> (booming) LOOK! MY VOLUME CONTROL IS JUST
FINE! IF THERE WAS A PROBLEM WITH IT, THAT INDICATOR
LIGHT (Dr. Nelson points to a blinking light on the
console) WOULD BE BLINKING JUST LIKE IT IS....WELL
HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT? THE VOLUME CONTROL IS BROKEN. I
GUESS I'M SO USED TO HEARING MYSELF TALK I DIDN'T
NOTICE.
Crow and Tom begin to shout words of praise.
<Crow> Magnificent deduction sir!
<Tom> As usual Dr. Nelson, your brilliance is truly
amazing!
Dr. Nelson acts modest.
<Dr. Nelson> AW SHUCKS! I BET YOU SAY THAT TO ALL THE
GREAT SCIENTIFIC MINDS IN THE UNIVERSE....WELL LET'S
SEE IF WE CAN FIX THIS.
While Dr. Nelson and the bots try to fix the console,
the three in the theater recover somewhat from the
shock. Pearl's eyes are still bulged out, Observer
seems intrigued by the whole thing while Prof. Bobo
is ignoring the whole thing and examining a toenail.
<Pearl> (whispers)DOCTOR Nelson?!?
<Observer> Hmm...in this universe, it seems that
Nelson is the one running the experiment and that we
are the guinea pigs......Quite astounding when you
think about it.
<Pearl>(whispers) Not astounding..... nauseating.
However, before they can say anymore, their
conversation is interrupted by Dr. Nelson's
exclamation.
<Dr. Nelson>AHA! THERE WE go...Hmm, is that better?
<Crow> (booming)JUST FINE DOCTOR...
<Tom> (booming)YEAH, SOUNDS PERFECT TO US!
<Dr. Nelson> sigh...
Dr. Nelson returns to work on the console.
Pearl uses this reprieve to tell Observer something.
<Pearl>Brain Guy, I want you to zap them...now!
Observer concentrates on Dr. Nelson and the
bots but nothing happened.
<Observer>(surprised)What the..?
He tries again.
<Observer>(confused) I..I don't understand
this?! It...It should work but...They must have
some kind of shield.
<Pearl> So for short, you are more useless than
usual. Great... Just great!
As Pearl grumbles, Dr. Nelson finally appears to
have fixed it and turns his attention back to Pearl.
<Dr. Nelson> So where was I?... Oh yeah! I remember
now.(Cackles madly) Okay...your fic for tonight is
a disaster called Knight Squadron by a Mr. X.
Pearl crosses her arms in defiance.
<Pearl>And if I don't review it?
<Dr. Nelson> Well then I'll just have to cut off your
access the George Clooney channel!
Pearl's face drains of color.
<Crow>Yeah! No more 'All Clooney! All the time!'
<Pearl>Well? What are you waiting for?!? Let's get
this fic on the road!!!
> Knight Squadron Part I
> A Bubblegum Crisis and Exo-Squad crossover
<Pearl> Well, we were warned...
>Starring
>The Knight Sabers
<Prof. Bobo> Why are they called the "Knight Sabers"
instead of the "Saber Knights?"
<Pearl> I don't know!! Go ask your mother!
> Able Squad
> Phaeton
> The Exo-Fleet
> The Imperial Navy
<Pearl> ExoSquad: "I have seen the future. Bad
haircuts all around!"
>By: MR. X
> Send comments to MRX00...@AOL.com
<Observer> X marks the slop, I suppose...
<Prof. Bobo> When Mr. X isn't writing he can be seen
racing the speedways of the world under the moniker
Racer X.
<Pearl> And when he's not doing that, he's saving the
world as Mutant X...
>This takes place before the episode "The Brood"
<Pearl> Well, brood is thicker than water..
> (Scene: Megatokyo 2033)
<Prof. Bobo> MegaTokyo is a dark and lonely place...
<Pearl> What? Are they all taking lessons from Ryoga?
>The Knights Sabers were mopping up their last rogue
boomer job
<Pearl> What a sad day in history. The Knight Sabers
are busted down to ordinary janitors.
<Observer> Apparently, they're using Mackie as a
mop...
<Prof. Bobo> ..and they are moping as they mop...
Ryoga taught them well...
>Nene: Sylia, I picking up a large disturbence just a
>few feet away, near Priss's position
<Pearl> And what is Priss's current position, anyway?
<Observer> Linebacker.
<Prof. Bobo> Sylia: "Priss? Have you been eating
refried beans again?"
>Sylia: Nene can you give more information?
>Nene: Its a temperol distrubence
<Observer> There's a disturbance in the spell-checker
<Pearl> And the grammar checker isn't so hot either.
<Prof. Bobo> Unless it's a disturbance in food, then
it's a "tempura disturbance"
<Pearl> Temperol?...Isn't that the non-stick stuff
that's on the space shuttle?
>Priss notices that she is being sucked in
> Priss: Help!
<Observer> So this fic sucks? Is that what they're
telling us here?
<Prof. Bobo> Priss: "Oh great! Now I need to change
my underwear!"
<Observer> Sylia: "Uh, Priss, you're aren't wearing
any underwear."
<Prof. Bobo> Priss: "Damn!!"
<Pearl> Are you sure this is a cross-over with the
Exo-squad and not with Overfiend?
>Priss is sucked into the vortex
> Sylia: Come on, we're going in after her!
<Pearl> Linna: "Do we have to?"
>(Scene: Phaeton city)
> The Knight Sabers find themselves in unfamiliar
>surroundings. Basically it was a warzone, with
>bombed out buildings, craters, etc.
<Pearl> Phaeton City, east of Muncie!
<Observer> You have to love descriptions that use
"etc,"
>Priss: Where fuck are we!
> Nene: The better question is when?
<Pearl> Yes, when Priss gets under stress, she talks
like Shampoo.
>Sylia looks at the street sign
> Sylia: Phaeton City? What is this the Twilight
>Zone?
<Observer> No, this is Phaeton City! Didn't you read
the narration!!!
<Pearl> It's a Phaeton worse than death!
>Then a squad of Neo E-frames greet them
<Observer> Neo : "Hail, and well met!"
<Prof. Bobo> Neo: "Hello! We're the Neo-sapian Church
of Higher Consciousness...Care to make a donation?"
>Neo: Surrender Terrans!!
>Nene: I don't think that they are friendly.
<Observer> So they obliged, by handing over all the
Terrans they were carrying.
>Priss: Duh! What was your first clue?
<Prof. Bobo> My first clue was that it wasn't the
candlestick!
<Pearl> Well, nothing the narrator said....
> Sylia extends her mono blade
<Pearl> EWWWW! Sylia has MONO!!!
<Observer> Priss: "Is this the time or the place for
this, Sylia? All these hostile E-frames and all..."
>Sylia: Take them down!
> Sylia takes down the lead E-frame, Linna with her
>grace turns one into ribbons
<Pearl> Sylia: "Linna, stop using Grace as a weapon!"
<Prof. Bobo> Then Linna proceeds to tie her hair with
one.
>Priss: Hey Freak! This fist is for you!
<Prof. Bobo> Neo: "But I wanted a bike!!!"
> Priss tears an E-frame apart with her bare hands.
<Observer> So Priss doesn't use guns anymore?
<Prof. Bobo> Is Priss out of her armor now? I didn't
know she was *that* strong.
<Pearl> Nah! Ever since Viagra for women, she's been
pumped!
<Observer> Priss *is* the She-hulk!
<Prof. Bobo> Priss: "Priss SMASH!!"
>While distracted Sylia is shot in the shoulder
<Pearl> Distracted Sylia? What happened to the
regular Sylia?
>Nene: Sylia more bandits on the way!
> Sylia opens a manhole cover
<Prof. Bobo> Sylia: "We'll get the Teenage Mutant
Ninja Turtles to help us!
<Pearl> Sylia: "Maybe I can get away before they
notice..."
<Observer> Priss: "That's quite a manhole you've got
there, Sylia."
<Pearl> You know, I won't even go there...
>Sylia (groaning): Everybody into the sewer!
> Priss: Sylia?
<Prof. Bobo> Priss: "Okay, but if I see a wizened old
rat down there, I'm taking my chances with those
bandits."
>Sylia: I'm not in the bests of moods to argue!
> Sylia clutches her shoulder as she climbs into the
sewers
<Prof. Bobo> I wonder what would be the best of moods
to argue with Sylia, anyway?
<Pearl> I wonder if she's in a good mood then?
Because bad moods make it really easy to argue.
<Observer> I wonder when she grew a third arm...
>Linna: Sylia, grab a hold of me. I'll help you.
> Sylia puts her weight on Linna
<Pearl> Priss: "Hey, Linna! That's MY spot!"
>Meanwhile the Earth Resistance was coming back from
>a mission Tanaka: Napier, I picking up four
>lifesigns in the tunnels west of us.
<Pearl> Meanwhile, in some vaguely indeterminate
other part of the fic...
<Prof. Bobo> And someone else is looking for the
Turtles...
>Napier: Neo or Terran?
<Prof. Bobo> Tanaka: "Both! Neither! I don't know!"
<Observer> How about neo-terran?
>Tanaka: I'm unsure.
>Napier: Eve, Voodoo and Jinx, you're with me.
<Prof. Bobo> Napier: "Lee! Ricoh! Youngblood!"
<Observer> Napier: "Shaggy and Scooby? You guys see
if you can't find the ghost!"
<Pearl> Napier: "The rest of you stay put...and for
God sakes NO SINGING!!! "
>Back where the Knight Sabers are Linna is examine
>Sylia wounds
> Linna: I'm no doctor, but you're hit bad.
<Observer> That's okay, the guy who did this is no
writer.
<Prof. Bobo> Sylia: "Umm Linna? Why do I need to take
my pants off to have you examine a shoulder wound?"
<Pearl> Linna: "Are you questioning my medical
judgement?"
<Prof. Bobo> Sylia: "No...but..."
>Sylia: We've better find medical help.
> Priss: Quiet everyone, I hear someone coming
<Observer> Quiet! The plot might be coming!
>The sound of E-frame servos got louder, Priss
>readies her weapons
<Observer> And the verb tenses became completely
random.
> Napier: Hold it! Are you four, Terran or Sape?
<Pearl> Napier: "Are you known for your work in the
theater?"
<Observer> Napier: "Were you born on Earth or are
you Human?"
<Prof. Bobo> Napier: "We need to know because we have
this quota and if I kill two more Sapes I get a free
lava lamp!"
>Priss is dumbstruck
<Observer> Nene: "That's nothing new..."
> Priss: What the fuck are you talking about?!
<Prof. Bobo> Duh... what does "human" mean again,
George?
>Linna: Sir, your question is contradiction, we're
>terran and homo Sapien. Now can you gives some help
>our friend is hurt bad.
<Observer> Yeah, you can tell that we're Terrans by
our wonderful command of the language.
<Prof. Bobo> Why aren't they blowing them away like
they did the others?
<Pearl> Plot contrivance
>Napier: Alright, follow us.
> The Knight Sabers follow the Resistance back to
>their base of operations and got Sylia to a
>makeshift medical area.
<Observer> So these resistance people trust the KS
enough to walk right into their base?
<Pearl> Well, it wouldn't be much of a fic if they
all slaughtered each other upon meeting, now would
it?
>(Scene: Medical area)
> Linna is appling a wet washcloth to Sylia forehead,
> Priss walks in
<Prof. Bobo> Linna is appalling?
<Pearl>How good would you look after running around
in a sewer?
>Priss: How is she?
> Linna: Not good, she burning up. She's got a fever
>and a raging infection. that laser blast did some
>damage to her.
<Observer> They must have shot her with the new flu
laser.
<Prof. Bobo> Her armor sure didn't provide much
defense.
<Pearl> Priss: "So...Did you get her wallet yet?"
>Linna and Priss walk out as Napier walked in
> Napier: Miss, Excuse me
<Observer> Napier: "..but are those Dockers?"
<Pearl> Napier: "Now that your friends have
conveniently left you alone with me, a stranger, it's
PARTY TIME!"
>Sylia opens her eyes
> Sylia (weak): Yes.
<Pearl> *Napier: "Why don't you slip out of that
grimy uncomfortable hardsuit and slip into a dry
martini?"
>Napier: I have a few questions to ask.
<Observer> Napier: "Do you know the way to San
Jose?"
<Pearl> Napier: "Now then...what's your favorite
color?"
<Prof. Bobo> Sylia: "Blue... no, yellow...
AAaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.....!"
> Sylia (weak): I have one to ask. What year is this?
<Prof. Bobo> *Napier: "Why, it's 5318 according to
the Swahili..."
>Napier: 2153. Why?
> Sylia: (weak) Myself and my friends are from 2033.
>In a City called Megatokyo. Just one more question.
>Does Genom still exist?
<Pearl> *Napier: "Only in fairy tales and bedtime
stories, Sylia"
>Napier is puzzled
> Napier: What is Genom?
> Sylia: (weak) I'll save that for another time. I
>must save my strength.
<Prof. Bobo> Sylia: "For the night of passionate sex,
you little stud muffin, you!"
<Pearl> Sylia: "I must rest until I get rid of this
stupid (weak) marker."
>Sylia falls back to sleep
> Napier walks out
> Napier: J.J. contact Exo-fleet.
<Observer> J.J.: "That's DY-NO-MITE, boss!"
<Pearl> Napier: "I never got *MY* questions
answered!!!"
>J.J.: You're on boss
> Admiral Winfield's face appear on the screen
> Winfield: What is it Napier?
<Observer> Napier: "It's your face. On the screen.
But that's not important right now."
<Prof. Bobo> *Napier: "Why did you stick me with a
reject from a 70's sitcom?"
<Pearl> *Winfield: "Dammit, Napier! I was almost to
the Kitchen, too!"
<Observer> Napier: "Sir? You wanted me to remind you
to change your undies?"
<Pearl> Winfield: "Damn my undies, man, this is
WAR!"
>Napier: Admiral, this not important but can you
>people give me all information under the subject of
>Megatokyo and under time index 2033.
> Winfield: Done. You'll have the information
>tomorrow.
<Observer> Winfield: "Our ISP is down right now.
It'll be fixed by tomorrow."
<Pearl> Well, you know that these guys aren't the
American government... it'd take them five days just
to *find* the information.
<Prof. Bobo> And five more to meet with lobbyists....
> .Napier: Thanks.
> Next day, Napier was looking at file about the
> Knight Sabers
<Observer> Napier: "Well, it's nice that we know
something about these people now, considering that
we've given them free run of our base."
<Pearl> Napier: "Hmm, measurements, turn-ons... I'm
all set!"
<Prof. Bobo> Napier: "Says here one of these women
ran a women's undergarments store. Perfect..."
>Eve: The Knight Sabers, huh?
> Napier: Yeah, a group of mercnary, declaring war on
> the largest corporation at the time
<Pearl> Now, of course, there are MUCH BIGGER
corporations....
>Linna walks in
> Linna: Excuse me, my friend has taken a turn for
>the worst, I need to get her to a doctor.
<Prof. Bobo> Napier: "I can handle it. Where's that
box of leeches?"
<Pearl> Napier: "No...she just needs another
treatment from the Love Doctor!
>Napier: I'm sorry, the only doctors here are in Neo
>force labor camps.
> Linna: What are you talking about?
<Observer> Napier: "The doctors... you know, the
doctors... they're gone, and stuff..."
<Pearl> Napier: " No. Doctors. Which word DIDN'T you
understand?"
>Napier: Linna is it?
> Linna: Yes.
<Pearl> Napier: "Linna, there are no doctors."
<Prof. Bobo> Linna: "But where are the doctors?"
<Pearl> Napier: "AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGH!"
>Napier: 50 years ago, a group of scienists created
>this race of genitically enigneered race called the
>Neo-Sapiens, to be used as workers in the mining
>colonies on Mars.
<Pearl> EXPOSITION TIME!!
<Observer> Napier: "Then these two mice had the idea
that they could be used to take over the world. But
they had to go back to the drawing board when all the
workers would say was 'Hi Ho.'"
<Prof. Bobo> Neo's: "Oh we've been...workin' in a
Mars mine!..."
>Disgruntle for being treated like 2nd citizens, they
> revolted, took control of Mars and overran much of
>Venus.
<Observer> Linna: "This is all well and good but
where are the doctors? "
>Now last year a NeoSapien name Phaeton, use the
>Pirates of Saturn to advance his plans by drawing
>the entire Exo-fleet and Imperial Navy to attack the
>pirates, making a force larger than the Exo-Fleet
>and the Imperial Fleet and attacking us while we
>were defenseless.
<Pearl> The Exo-Fleet and the Imperial Fleet were
defenseless?
<Prof. Bobo> Yes...those nasty Neos took away all
their wood and hammers too!
> They took control of Earth, Venus and Mars. The
>Exo-Fleet and the Imperial Navy are now gathering
> their forces.
>Linna: Can you get a message to them to get Sylia
> some Medical attention.
> Napier shakes his head
<Prof. Bobo> Linna: "Okay, they're aren't any
doctors, but you can call a doctor, right?"
<Pearl> Napier: "But of course. I know of one that
will be more than happy to release your friend from
her misery. Maybe he can help on you as well.. His
name is Kevorkian."
<Prof. Bobo> Linna: "Is he any good?"
>Napier: No.
> Linna: Well, the 3 of us have a decision to make,
> because Sylia's life hangs in the balance
<Pearl> Napier: "I say go for the mercy killing!"
<Prof. Bobo> *Linna: "So what will it be, Knight
Sabers? TV night or rent a movie?"
<Observer> Linna: "What do you think, squire? A
burner, or a burier?"
<Prof. Bobo> Linna: "Hmm...If she dies...I wonder if
I can have her bunny slippers..."
>Napier: You are extremely loyal to Sylia?
> Linna: Myself, Priss, and Nene, are willing to take
> bullet for each other or for Sylia.
<Prof. Bobo> Linna: "Or just for the hell of it."
<Observer> Linna: "Mackie, on the other hand, we
tried to shoot him as much as possible..."
<Pearl> Linna: "Now getting shot with one is another
matter entirely..."
>In the main room of the base Linna, Priss and Nene
>have a hard choice to make
>Linna: We have a choice to make.
<Pearl> Linna: "Bury Sylia, or cremate her?"
<Observer> Linna: "Should I go with the red vest or
the blue T-shirt?"
<Prof. Bobo> Nene: "No, we have a HARD choice to
make. Aren't you listening to the narrator?"
>Priss and Nene look at each other for the moment
>Priss: What?
<Pearl> Nene: "How much you think we'd get if we sold
her for medical experiments?
<Observer> Nene: "If I said you had a beautiful
body...would you hold it against me?"
>Linna: In order to save Sylia, we will need join the
>Exo-Fleet.
<Pearl> It's the XO fleet! Using the galaxy's most
advanced form of tic tac toe!
<Observer> Elevating it into a deathmatch...
> Priss scowls
<Prof. Bobo> Nene: "You know Priss? You look so sexy
when you do that!"
>Priss: I'm not joining the military all the rules
>and regulations!
<Pearl> Yeah! They won't even let you wander around a
top-secret base unescorted!
<Observer> Linna: "I don't know Priss....I think a
buzz-cut would look good on you.."
>Linna: Priss, Sylia's life is in danger. This is the
>only way, we can save her.
<Observer> Nene: "We can rebuild her..."
<Pearl> Priss: "Well Sylia? Nice knowing ya!"
<Observer> Nene: "Make her stronger, faster..."
<Prof. Bobo> Linna: "We *can* build a better Sylia!
Now pass the rubber cement."
>Nene: Even if Sylia is not dying, I'm in.
>Linna: So am I. Priss?
>Priss: All right, I'm in.
>Linna: I'll talk to Sylia.
<Prof. Bobo> Nene: "Let her know we're ready to go
down in a blaze of glory!"
<Pearl> Priss: "We are?"
>The Medical Area
>Linna walks, sits next to her and applies the wet
>washcloth
<Prof. Bobo> Behold the miracle of future medicine;
the wet washcloth!
<Pearl> Why do they have a medical area and no
doctors?
<Observer> Because it's an HMO. All they have is a
team of highly trained people to explain why you're
not covered.
<Pearl> Oh.
>Linna: Sylia?
>Sylia opens her eyes
>Sylia: (Weak) Linna?
<Observer> Linna: "No, I'm a priest. It's time for
your last rites."
<Prof. Bobo> Father Linna?
<Pearl> Sylia: "Why are you carrying that whip? AND
WHERE ARE YOUR CLOTHES!?!
>Linna: Sylia, the others and I had made a choice. We
>can't save you unless we join the Exo-Fleet.
<Observer> As we all know, if you repeat the same
plot point enough times, it becomes plausible.
<Pearl> Sylia: "Oh god I'm doomed!"
>Sylia:(Weak) Do what you need to do.
>Linna smiles
> Linna: thanks.
<Pearl> Linna:"....You old bat!"
>Napier's "office"
>Linna walks in
>Napier: Yes Linna?
<Prof. Bobo> Linna: "They've assigned me as your new
secretary. Care for some dictation?"
>Linna: Contact Exo-Fleet. Tell them they have 4 new
>recruits.
<Pearl> Napier: "Oh, MAY I? Anything else you'd like
me to do for you? Rearrange some files? Shine your
shoes?"
<Observer> Napier: "Okay...we will do the physical
and the stress test immediately...Now take off all
your clothes and lie down on the desk."
>The next day a shuttle piloted by Able Squad pick up
>the Knight Sabers, Sylia is carried on stretcher
>onto the shuttle. Marsala carries the crates
>containing their Hardsuits
<Pearl> The Able Squad? Who's their backup, the
Willing Squad?
<Observer> The Ready Squad, I hope...
<Prof. Bobo> Nah, it's the Cain Squad. But they're
not the other squad's keeper.
>Torres: Let's see what we got here.
>Priss bolted from her seat
Suddenly, Prof. Bobo transforms into Azusa.
<Azusa> Jeanette is MINE! You can't have her!!
Pearl looks shocked as she leans away from Azusa.
<Pearl> What the hell is going on?!?
<Observer> Well, it's a side effect of the wormhole.
You see...the wormhole bends time and space in such a
way that the laws of reality twist as well. There by
causing Professor Bobo remarkably handsome body and
personality to be replaced with this human.
Pearl is confused and irritated. She talks as she
turns to face him.
<Pearl> Handsome body? What are you...
Instead of Observer, Pearl is looking at a bald,
female gorilla holding a bowl with a brain in it..
<Pearl> Ahhh!
<Observer ape> What?
Before she can respond, both Bobo and Observer turn
back to their original forms. Pearl decides to drop
the matter entirely.
<Pearl>(muttering) The next time Bobo falls into a
wormhole.. I'm just going to get a dog! Yeah...and
I'll call her Ukyo!
>Priss: Keep your hands out of those crates, or
>you'll wind up in the hospital!
<Prof. Bobo> Priss: "And there aren't any doctors
there! Believe me, I know!"
>Torres turns to Priss, and frowns
>Admiral Payne: Excuse me Ms. Asagiri, thats Sgt.
>Rita Torres. She is the Drill Sergant from Hell.
<Observer> Payne: "And over here we have the Lance
Corporal from Heck, and the Private from Peoria..."
<Pearl> Um... why is the Admiral on a recruitment
ship?
>Priss: Well, time to send the bitch back!
<Pearl> Lucky thing she's still under warranty.
<Prof. Bobo> Priss: "We want a male dog next time!"
>Torres position herself for a fight
<Observer> Would someone PLEASE teach this writer
about basic English grammar?
<Prof. Bobo> Narrator take speech class from Shampoo.
>Admiral Payne: And now Ladies and gentlemen. LET'S
>GET READY TO RUMBLE!!!!
<Pearl> WA HA HA! He became an admiral after being
fired as an announcer on FOX.
>Marsh: Back off Sgt.
>Torres: Lt?
<Prof. Bobo> Great taste! Less filling!
<Pearl> It's Torres Light!
<Observer> Sme. tell this wtr. not to use so mny.
abbr.
<Pearl> Hey, if he's a rear admiral, does that make
him a Payne in the butt?
>Marsh: Back off Sgt!
>Payne: Thanks JT, I just about to start placing
>bets.
<Pearl> Payne: "It's not like *I* could've ordered
them to stop... being only a lowly admiral..."
>Marsh: Sorry spoil your fun. (turns to Linna) how is
you friend?
>Linna: If we don't get her to a doctor, she'll die.
<Prof. Bobo> Linna: "Or worse, she'll be (weak) for
the rest of her life!"
<Pearl> Marsh: "And this concerns me how?"
>Marsh: Don't worry, there's always hope.
>(Scene: Sickbay on the Resolute)
<Prof. Bobo> Sickbay on the Roulette?
<Pearl> Well, looks like there's no hope!
>Sylia was rushed into the Sickbay in critical
>condition
<Observer> Where she was made to fill out forms for
the next 6 hours.
>5 hours later Admiral Winfield walks in
<Observer> Winfield: "Well, we have good news and bad
news. The good news is she's alive. The bad news is
that we accidentally splashed experimental water on
her. She's now a guy."
<Pearl> Priss: "That's bad news?"
>Winfield: How is Ms. Stingray?
>Doctor: She'll be fine.
<Observer> Now that she's over her case of acute plot
contrivance.
<Pearl> Doctor: "..as soon as she stops thinking
she's Cutey Honey."
<Prof. Bobo> Sylia: "Honey FLASH!"
>Winfield: Can I talk to her?
>Doctor nodded. Winfield walks over to Sylia's
>bedside and sits down
>Winfield: Ms. Stingray?
>Sylia: Yes?
<Observer> Winfield: "Are you aware that here in the
future, all sexual harassment laws have been
repealed? Mweh heh heh!"
<Prof. Bobo> Sylia: "But my name is Cutey Honey, not
Sylia."
<Pearl> Winfield: "I'm sorry but you are not
attractive enough to join Exo-fleet...So out the
airlock you go!"
>Winfield: I'm Admiral Winfield, I've received you're
>request for enlistment. After reading your files,
>I've deciced you and your Knight Sabers as members
>of the Exo-Fleet.
<Observer> You'll be assigned to the English Grammar
battalion.
<Pearl> With Shampoo as your head commander.
<Prof. Bobo> Winfield: "We're always looking for a
few good men... all the better that they're women!"
>Sylia: I have a request, sir?
>Winfield: Name it.
<Pearl> Sylia: "A real doctor, please? All this
guy's done is a Pap smear."
<Observer> Sylia: "Could you see to it that Linna is
thrown out a airlock at the first available
opportunity?"
<Prof. Bobo> Sylia: "Priss is mine!"
<Observer> Sylia: "Can you find us a hentai guy for
us to kick around? We left our last one at home..."
>Sylia goes into detail
<Pearl> Winfield: "But where am I going to get the
squids?!?"
>Scene: Resolute's hanger)
> Priss, Linna, and Nene were waiting for Sylia.
>Sylia walks in, wearing an Exo-Fleet uniform
>(identical to JT's)
<Pearl> JT: "Hey! GIVE ME BACK MY CLOTHES DAMNIT!!"
<Prof. Bobo> Wow, she's recovered in record time.
<Observer> Acute Plot Contrivance heals quickly.
>Sylia: Ok, People, we're now a part of the
>Exo-Fleet. As an E-frame
>squadron, I have already made out the chain command
<Prof. Bobo> Sylia: "And the whips of command as
well."
> Knight Squadron
> Commander Sylia Stingray- Squadron Leader
<Observer> From Recruit to Commander...what, no basic
training?
<Pearl>I think she already passed the officer's
"test" with Winfield..
>Lt. Cmdr. Nene Romanova- Electronic Warfare
>Master Sgt. Priss Asagiri- Heavy Weapon and Assault
>E-frame
>Sgt. Linna Yamazaki- Close range Melee
<Pearl> Private Mackie, comic relief
>Sylia: Ok, that's break down. I will modifiy the
>hardsuits to handle the vaccum of space and upgrade
>our weapons.
<Observer> Okay, wait up here. She just had a
life-threatening shoulder injury. Now she's a
mechanic's aide, something she outranks by a long
shot anyway? Another thing... didn't the Knight
Sabers join the Exo-Squad here to get Sylia to a
doctor? She's all healed... let's go now..
<Prof. Bobo> You haven't seen the medical bill....
>I will also build the advanced
>Motoroids.
<Pearl> Sylia: "Because that's what commanders should
do. Now bring me a crescent wrench and a car
battery!"
<Observer> Winfield: "Don't you mean a fusion power
pack?"
<Pearl> Sylia: "Oh, yeah... That!"
>Priss: Alright, when do get to see some action?
<Observer> Certainly not in this fic.
<Prof. Bobo> Sylia starts undressing. "Right now sugar!"
<Fido> >Sylia smiles
<Fido> Sylia: Soon Sgt.
<Observer> Again w/ the abbr.!
<Pearl> Sylia: "Very... soon. Now drop and give me
twenty, sergeant!"
<Prof. Bobo> Priss: "WHO IN THE HELL IS THIS SGT.
GUY?!??!"
> To Be continued
> Part II: Launch Knight Squadron
<Observer> Yeah right.
<Pearl> Can't wait.
<Prof. Bobo> Are we done yet? I still have to go to
the little ape's room!
>Winfield: (voice over) If Exo-Fleet supply can build
>Hot-headed and strong-willed individuals the way we
>build E-frames....
<Observer> Winfield: "...They'd all kill each other."
<Prof. Bobo> Winfield: "We'd win the war...but I
would be out of a job so..."
<Pearl> Yes, become an Admiral and YOU TOO can do
mighty voice-overs!
>Sgt. Priss Asagiri would be standard issue.
<Pearl> And they would all wear blond wigs during
combat.
>With a temper as bad as Priss' she is the last
>person you would want to screw with,
<Prof. Bobo> Not in my opinion! She would be the
perfect lifemate!
>one would say what would happen inside a reactor
>until it explodes
<Pearl> Can someone PLEASE translate this into
English?
<Observer> Sorry Pearl. Not even I can do that...
<Prof. Bobo> Winfield: "I know, I've personally
tested her last night..."
The trio watches as the screen that fed them the fic
fades out then fades back in to the lab. Dr. Nelson
and his two assistants are waiting expectantly for
their response.
<Dr. Mike J Nelson> What did you guys think of the
fic?
<Prof. Bobo> Urk!
<Observer> Gah!
<Pearl> What they said.
After a few minutes, Observer recovers enough to
speak.
<Observer> Let's see... the grammar, spelling, and
punctuation were poor....
<Pearl> ... the plot was forced, and not at all
interesting...
<Observer> ... the dialogue did little more than
repeat the plot points over and over...
<Observer> ... what am I missing?
<Pearl> and a some of it was out of character...
<Prof. Bobo> Actually....as far as fics go this is a
good outline....
Dr. Nelson, first asst. Crow, and second asst. Tom
Servo look concerned.
<Dr. Nelson> Any ill effects?
Pearl, Observer, and Prof. Bobo shake their heads.
<Pearl> Not really..
<Observer> Except for our initial reaction, I don't
feel any after effects..
<Crow> Any feelings of weakness?
Pearl, Observer and Prof. Bobo confer for a moment
then answer.
<Observer> Unuh....
<Tom Servo> You don't want to tear your eyes out and
run screaming on you hands and knees before us in
total and complete obedience?
<Pearl> Nope...Sorry.
Dr. Nelson and his assistants stare calmly at the
other three then suddenly....
<Tom Servo> WAAAAAHHHH!! Another failure!
Tom begins to repeatedly hit his head on the table.
<Tom Servo> It's not fair!
Thunk!
<Tom Servo> You should be writhing in agony now!
Thunk!
Crow and Dr. Nelson begin to console Tom, then Dr.
Nelson looks up and glares angrily at Pearl and the
other two.
<Dr. Nelson>(Angrily) Now see what you have done?!?
Dr. Nelson turns back to Tom.
<Dr. Nelson>(soothingly) There, there, Tom. It's
okay..
<Crow> Yeah! We'll have them groveling at our feet in
no time!
Tom looks up.
<Tom Servo> ...*sniff.. R-really?
<Dr. Nelson> Of course we will and you know what?
<Tom Servo> No what?
<Dr Nelson> Just to cheer you up, I'm going to let
you play with their atmosphere control.
Tom starts to hop around happily.
<Tom Servo>(sing-sing) I get to suffocate the guinea
pigs! I get to suffocate the guinea pigs!
In the theater, Prof. Bobo looks defiant, Pearl looks
horrified but Observer is just polishing his nails
looking bored.
<Prof. Bobo>(bold voice) HA! We don't need any of
your atmosphere!!
Pearl turns to Prof. Bobo starts hitting him. She is
talking while she hits him.
<Pearl>(Angrily) WE..(BAP)..NEED..(BAP)..
ATMOSPHERE..(BAP)..YOU..(BAP) IDIOT!!!(BAP, BAP, BAP)
Observer interrupts.
<Observer>(nonchalant) Oh, I wouldn't worry about it.
Pearl turns to Observer, still upset.
<Pearl> Oh you wouldn't huh? Well before I kill you,
care to tell me why?
<Observer> We aren't going to be here.
At the finish of his sentence, Pearl, Prof. Bobo and
Observer disappear and reappear back in the
Widowmaker. They are still traveling in the wormhole.
Prof. Bobo is nowhere to be seen.
<Observer>(smugly) See?
Pearl slaps him on the back of his head.
<Pearl> Nobody likes a wise brain!
As Observer tries to recover from the slap, Pearl
gets a insightful look on her face.
<Pearl> You know something. This whole experience has
really affected me. Being in someone else's shoe can
really give you a perspective you haven't had before.
Sometimes that can makes you want to reevaluate your
life and maybe change parts of it. Maybe it's time
for a kinder, gentler Pearl....
Pearl looks at Observer. Observer stares back.
<Both> NAAAAAH!
END
--
David Lindquist
fi...@rma.edu
Quote= "Fanfic writing is like building a car with C&C being the tune-up!"