MiST on the Ghost Planet: "Darkwing Duck meets the BACKSTREET BOYS" (1/4)
Jen White6
Original story by Andrea Avalos
MiSTing by Jen White
[The "Space Ghost Coast to Coast" set. Space Ghost is at his desk, as if
ready to start taping the show. Through the huge windows behind Space
Ghost we can see that it is a dark and stormy night on the Ghost Planet.]
[Moltar's control room. Moltar is at the console. On the screen is a
satellite view of a vicious looking storm front. The "Coast to Coast" set
is visible in a corner inset.]
Moltar: They say this storm's gonna last a while. Until it lets up I
can't get the feed. Sure ya don't wanna just call it a day?
[Coast to Coast set]
Ghost: It'll take less than a little storm like this to keep Space Ghost
down!
[Control room]
Moltar: Whatever. I'm taking five. [walks out of frame]
[Camera on Space Ghost. He sits at the desk, fidgeting with his note
cards. Behind him, clouds boil at an alarming rate, almost as if they are
on speeded-up film. Hold on this fascinating tableau for about half a
minute.]
Tansit: [OS] Space Ghost?
[Space Ghost looks in Zorak's direction. The rest of the band is gone, but
Zorak is in his keyboard and Tansit is standing in front.]
Tansit: I have an idea.
Ghost: My door is *always* open.
Zorak: Not from 4:30 to 5:00, it isn't. Space Ghost doesn't want
*anyone* to interrupt his TV time. Hey, Tansit, have you seen the new
poster in his office? The green chick?
Ghost: [aside] Dot, lovely Dot.
Zorak: Guess who's got a crush all of a sudden?
Tansit: Really?
Zorak: Next time his door's open, take a good look at her. She's got
this weird looking monob-
[Space Ghost ZAPS Zorak. Tansit jumps away.]
Ghost: Do NOT insult the loveliness that is Dot Matrix.
Zorak: [now crispy] She looks like a seasick Barbie doll.
Ghost: [dreamily] Who says that men don't make passes at girls who wear
glasses?
Tansit: Um, Space Ghost-
Ghost: Yes?
Tansit: I've been learning how to play the guitar.
Ghost: Really?
Tansit: Yeah! A lotta bands have two or three guitars in 'em, so I
figgered-
Zorak: -on stinkin' up the stage?
Ghost: Zorak! Give him a chance! Tansit, go ahead.
Tansit: Okay!
[Tansit has a battered, generic-looking guitar. As Space Ghost and Zorak
wait, he messes with it, plinking the strings and tightening and loosening
the keys. Eventually he looks back up.]
Tansit: Okay. I'm ready.
Ghost: [patiently] Go right ahead.
[Tansit closes his eyes for a moment, then begins playing. "Playing" in
this case being a broad term that encompasses picking out, slowly and
deliberately, a note at a time, a barely recognizable tune. Space Ghost
tries valiantly not to flinch.]
Zorak: Hey!
Tansit: [breaking off and looking back at Zorak] What?
[Zorak jerks a thumb at a sign on the wall behind himself: "NO STAIRWAY TO
HEAVEN"]
Tansit: Oops, sorry.
Ghost: Uhhhh...
Tansit: I'm still learning.
Zorak: To tie your shoes.
Ghost: Uhh... Tansit, we only have room on the budget for one guitar
player, and Owlie has tenure. But keep on practicing.
Zorak: Outside.
Tansit: But there's no air outside!
Zorak: Like I said.
Tansit: [angrily] Oh... you!
[Space Ghost blasts Zorak.]
Zorak: [crispy and coughing] Well, *that* killed a couple of minutes.
Ghost: [sighing] Nothing to do on a rainy day.
Tansit: We could read something.
Zorak: No.
Ghost: Why not. Got anything in mind?
Zorak: No!
Tansit: I found a nifty story about some cartoon characters meeting rock
stars!
Zorak: NO!
Ghost: Cartoon Characters meeting rock stars? Get out! Nobody'd
believe that!
[Space Ghost smiles at the camera. Light glints off his teeth with an
audible "ping".]
Tansit: I got it bookmarked. Hold on.
[Tansit exits stage left.]
Zorak: Great. Just great! Now we're going to have to read another
crappy story.
Ghost: Would you rather listen to him practice?
Zorak: I'd rather pull my eyeballs out and use them as billiard balls.
[Space Ghost's monitor flickers. The word "LOADING" flashes in the middle.
Tansit returns just as the word disappears and text starts scrolling up the
screen.]
> Darkwing Duck meets the BACKSTREET BOYS
> by Andrea Avalos
>
Ghost: [darkly] There's only room for one caped crimefighter turned talk
show host on this planet.
Zorak: Guess whose fifteen minutes of fame are up?
> This story is dedicated to my sisters Jennifer and Nicole, two drooling
> fans of the Backstreet Boys.
Tansit: I hope the novocaine wears off.
> "St. Canard may look like your average city seemingly devoid of a
> city-sized population,
Zorak: And it's looked that way ever since the neutron bomb tests.
> but it's more than that. After the sun sets and
> the artificial lighting is activated the seedier populace slinks from
> beneath the slimier recesses of the metropolis.
Ghost: They really ought to clean under the buildings.
> They sweep through the
> city, searching for the target of their next strike at decency and
> justice.
Tansit: Gotta give 'em credit for being methodical.
> Who would dare to stand up to the perversion of our beloved
> city?
Zorak: [singing] Stand in the city of pervs, now face North-
> What master could out-terrorize the terrorists who hold our city
> hostage in its own fear?!" Darkwing shouted into the night, caught up in
> his narration.
Tansit: [St. Canardian] Hey! Wouldja hold it down? Some of us gotta go
to work in the morning!
> "Oh WOW! The Backstreet Boys are coming to St. Canard on tour!"
Ghost: *Somebody* has a short attention span.
> Gosalyn gaped at the promotional poster with an expression on her face
> that Darkwing would almost swear was complete brainless idolatry.
Ghost: I begin to detect a pattern here... first Jennifer and Nicole,
now Gosalyn. The Backstreet Boys are destroying the minds of America's
youth!
> "Gosalyn, keep your tongue in your mouth. What's a Backstreet
> Boy?"
Tansit: [singing] Backstreet Boy, he's been playin' with his backstreet
toys...
> "Only the keen geariest guy group in the known universe," Gosalyn
> muttered, little stars dancing around her eyes.
Ghost: [Arby's Star] Hey! How about a spotlight over here! Let's not
forget who the star of this commercial is.
> "Oh," Darkwing rolled his eyes, "I thought 'N Sync was the keen
> geariest guy group in the known universe."
Zorak: Keen geariest? Can you translate that for us non-geeks?
Tansit: Maybe she thinks some guy named Geary is keen.
Zorak: HAH.
> Darkwing straightened his hat
> impatiently for the fifth time. What was taking Launchpad so long?
Tansit: [Launchpad] I hate going downtown. I can never find a parking
spot for my plane.
> "Yeah," Gosalyn sighed, "but they don't have... Nick."
Ghost: Nolte?
Tansit: Riviera?
Zorak: Cage?
> She stared
> at the smiling young men on the poster.
Zorak: Trying to build up an immunity.
> Darkwing shrugged, Gosalyn may
> have been a tom- boy,
Tansit: At some time in her life.
> but she wasn't immune to the allure of the teen
> idol.
Zorak: The teen idol lures his prey with pheromones...
> "Sorry I took so long, DW," Launchpad said from behind the mountain
> of hamburgers he was carrying from the Hamburger Hippo stand.
Zorak: I see you sent someone else to get your lunch today, Space Ghost.
Ghost: Zorak, don't start with me.
> "Any longer, and I think Gosalyn's eyeballs would've actually left
> her body for good,"
Zorak: And filed for half the brain as settlement.
> Darkwing swiped a cheeseburger from the top of the
> burger mountain.
Ghost: Burger Mountain. Now THERE is a theme park I would visit!
> "The Backstreet Boys are coming to St. Canard."
Tansit: The Backstreet Boys are coming! The Backstreet Boys are coming!
One if by land, two if by sea.
> "THE BACKSTREET BOYS?!" Launchpad threw the food into the sidecar
> of the Ratcatcher and trotted over to Gosalyn.
Tansit: Clip clop, clip clop.
> "They're my favorite
> group! I got all their posters, albums, and commemorative plates!"
Ghost: These three people live together, two of which are raving fans,
yet the third has not heard of these "Backstreet Boys" before?
> "Oooohkay,"
Ghost: My thought exactly.
> Darkwing scratched his head.
Zorak: [Darkwing] Stupid feather mites.
> The longer Darkwing lived
> with Launchpad, the stranger Launchpad seemed to get.
Ghost: Let's leave that one alone.
> "In four weeks?" Launchpad exclaimed when he spotted the concert
> date. "Why didn't they start advertising earlier?"
Tansit: But the tour date was printed on all the T-shirts! It was right
there between Duckburg and Mouseton!
> "We gotta get tickets, FAST!" Gosalyn was almost hopping around, as
> excited as she was.
Tansit: [Warners] Boingy boingy boingy!
> They turned to look at the indifferent Darkwing.
Ghost: The indifferent Darkwing? How many of them are there?
Tansit: There's the good one and an evil twin.
Ghost: Oh, the usual setup then.
> "CAN WE GO TO THE CONCERT? CAN WE GO TO THE CONCERT? CAN WE GO TO
> THE CONCERT?" they asked in unison.
Zorak: Bet that's something Courtney Love'll never hear again.
> Darkwing jerked his feet away out of
> their tight grips.
Tansit: And stuck them back on his legs.
> "Okay! Sheesh, fine. Just get in the Ratcatcher," he switched his
> hat for the purple helmet. "We'll stop by ticketmaster's in the
> morning."
Zorak: Better take out a second mortgage to pay off the handling fee.
> "You're the BEST Dad," Gosalyn said gratefully.
Tansit: And she oughtta know, she's had a few.
> Darkwing muttered
> under his breath as he gunned the engine and sped away.
>
Zorak: BLAM! BLAM! Eat lead, motorcycle!
> "FORTY-FOUR DOLLARS A PIECE?!!" Drake slammed the door behind him
> and stalked into the kitchen.
Zorak: I *warned* ya 'bout Ticketmaster!
> Launchpad was rooting around in the
> refrigerator for the last slice of Hawaiian pizza.
[Zorak makes pig grunting noises.]
> He held the ticket
> out to his sidekick, who took it from him and held it like it was made of
> the finest porcelain in the world.
Ghost: In fact, it *was* the finest porcelain in the world, hence the
high handling prices.
> "And for what? The nosebleed section
> no less!"
Zorak: *Beak* bleed.
Tansit: Bill bleed. Ducks have bills, not beaks.
Zorak: They're birds, they got beaks!
Tansit: Beaks are pointy, bills aren't. They're bills.
> "Well what do you expect four weeks before the concert. If we had
> known sooner we coulda got front row seats,"
Ghost: And you would have been deaf for the rest of your life. I know
what those things are like.
> Gosalyn danced into the
> kitchen. "I can't wait to see NICK!"
Zorak: Wanna see a nick? Then bring that steak knife over to uncle
Zorak.
> Gosalyn held her ticket to her chest
> and skipped up to her room.
Tansit: Can you skip up a flight of stairs?
> "I've never seen her act like THAT before,"
Ghost: [Drake] But then, I only adopted her a few weeks ago.
> Drake stood with his
> hands on his hips.
Tansit: [singing] I'm a little teapot, short and stout.
> "I hope she isn't taking this teen boy toy thing a
> little too far."
Tansit: She's just nine years old. Taking a "boy toy" thing ANYWHERE is
taking it too far.
> Launchpad ignored Drake as he continued to root around
> in the freezer for some ice that didn't have dirt or food frozen in the
> middle of it.
Ghost: [Launchpad] Guess I shouldn't store my mud pies in here.
> "Oh well, she could idolize someone a lot worse," Drake
> was now speaking mostly to himself, "like Bianca Beakly."
Zorak: Or Space Ghost! Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!
> "Mmmph," Launchpad replied, and swallowed his food. "I'm
> absolutely positive that the Backstreet Boys are *not* supervillains."
Zorak: What? Supervillains can't be musicians?!
Ghost: [looking at Zorak] I never knew they *could*.
> "I seriously doubt that they are LP,"
Ghost: [Darkwing] In fact, I have it on good authority that they are
either SP or EP.
> Darkwing said, rolling his
> eyes.
>
Tansit: [Darkwing] Boxcars! I win!
> Late that night, on St. Canard's outskirts a large bus pulled up in
> front of the Dusseldorf Hysteria Hotel. Several figures carried large
> trunks into the hotel.
Tansit: I'll bet the figures were elephants! Ha ha ha! Get it, 'cause
of the trunks!
Zorak: Dork.
> They were expected, and they had an entire floor
> to themselves.
Ghost: They had to share the ceiling, though. Ha ha ha!
Zorak: Dork.
> Five of those figures: Nick, A.J., Brian, Howie, and Kevin
> retreated to their private room to unpack.
Ghost: That had better be a *large* private room.
> A.J. set his trunk down and unlatched it. The trunk unfolded to
> reveal the supercomputer complete with humming printer and blinking
> lights.
Ghost: [William Shatner] They're all humming and blinking and humming
and blinking, blinking and HUMMING AND-
> Nick dropped his trunk down and unlatched it. The trunk folded out
> into a fancy wall display of cool superhero weapons and gizmos (and his
> video game system, but that's not important right now).
Zorak: Yep. That's all it takes. Give any cheeseball some gadgets and,
presto, he's a superhero!
[Space Ghost turns and blasts Zorak with his power bands.]
Zorak: [coughs] See?
> Howie put his trunk down and unlatched it.
Ghost: This paragraph was brought to you by cut and paste.
> This trunk also folded
> out to reveal a rack of assorted superhero suits and rubber underwear
> (which has been standard in the superheroing business since superman and
> batman).
Ghost: [uncomfortably] Rubber underwear?
Tansit: That doesn't sound like a good idea.
Zorak: I bet they chafe like crazy.
> Kevin put his trunk in the closet, because it contained actual
> clothes.
Tansit: What, are the others gonna walk around naked for the rest of the
story? Ha ha ha ha ha!
Zorak: Howie has his pretty little sissy costumes.
[Space Ghost whips around and blasts Zorak again]
Zorak: [coughing harder] WHAT?!
Ghost: That was for costumed superheroes everywhere!
> Brian was having trouble with the latch on his trunk, which
> contained the karaoke machine (their favorite way to kill time).
Tansit: [singing] Aaaaabsolutely faaaaabulous...
> "Just leave it, Brian," A.J. yawned, "it's too late to do disco
> karaoke."
Zorak: It's *always* too late for disco karaoke.
> "I know that," Brian grunted as he jerked at the handle, "but my
> tooth-
All: Say it!
> brush
All: Thank you.
> is in here!"
> "Mmm, smell that sea air," Howie said, taking a deep breath, then
> he doubled over and gasped.
Zorak: Serves you right for not washing the rubber underwear before you
packed it.
> "We been hanging out in the breadbasket of America too long," Nick
> sniffed. "Gotta get used to that polluted, city air again."
Tansit: It smells like... victory.
> "I heard that this town had some weird crime,"
Tansit: You mean like ducks enslaving ants to carry off shrunk-down
buildings, and rats stealing light bulbs, and moles blocking the sun to
create a permanent eclipse?
Ghost: St. Canard doesn't need a crimefighter, it needs pest control.
> A.J. was taking off
> his socks and throwing them over a nearby lampshade. "Like supervillains
> and stuff."
Ghost: How fortunate, then, that they brought superhero costumes and
equipment.
Zorak: Isn't it just.
> "What did you expect, this is the home of Darkwing Duck," Nick
> smiled.
Zorak: Yep. Wherever that bird shows up, the whole place just goes down
the tubes.
> "Yeah? Well now that the Backstreet Boys are here, criminals'll
> just have to move to another city,"
Zorak: Or wait for the tour to move on.
> Howie kicked the latch on Brian's
> trunk. The top of the trunk flipped open soundlessly.
Tansit: And a golden light shone from inside.
> "Then we can go into that city and chase 'em outta there," Kevin
> said through a mouthful of toothpaste foam.
Ghost: AAAHHHH! Rabies!
> "And make millions off of our 'concert tour' at the same time,"
Ghost: Say... the next time we release a CD, we can go on tour just like
them, and fight crime as we spread our musical message!
Zorak: Yeah. Bowling alleys all over the country'll be safe.
> Brian said before running into the bathroom and slamming the door.
[Zorak begins making all manner of unsavory bathroom sounds, to the dismay
of the others.]
> Kevin
> spun around and started pounding on the door.
Tansit: [Kevin] Cut it out! You're making us all sick!
> A.J. began his nightly
> stomach exercises.
Zorak: [A.J.] One, two, three, hurl!
> "To buy more superhero stuff!" Nick said as he stripped to his
> sp-eiderduck boxers (a rare find, even in the Darkwing Duck universe).
Ghost: He paid a pretty penny for them at eAudubonBay.
> "Nick, two words: psychiatric evalution," A.J. said,
Tansit: Psychiatric evalution - is that when theories change and adapt
over time?
> pointing at
> Nick's decorative shorts.
Ghost: [Nick] Stop that. You're freaking me out, man.
> "That's not two words," Nick teased. A.J. appeared to think about
> this new information.
Ghost: We cannot commit to saying whether he actually did or not.
> Brian finally got out of the bathroom.
Zorak: And locked himself into the closet.
> "There are twenty other bathrooms on this floor!" Kevin yelled at
> him, spitting flecks of toothpaste onto Brian.
Ghost: [Kevin] I could almost brush a different tooth in every room!
> "I know," Brian smiled, "I just wanted to get all the free shampoo
> and soap samples first."
>
Ghost: Ah, I remember the days when I was a struggling superhero on a
budget.
so sez Jen "Call me MiSTer!" White.
