MSTed: "NEED CASH TO PAY OFF YOUR DEBTS? READ ON!" (3/4)
Matthew Stanislawski
[Part 3]
>I now have a brand new black Acura Integra to speak for,
MIKE: And the feds on my back.
>due to this!!
CROW: This, this...monstrosity!
>Now after almost 8 months,
TOM: And three minimum-security prisons...
>I am ready to do it again!!!
MIKE: Some people just don't learn, do they?
TOM: Tsk, tsk.
>So maybe it was possible to get $50,000 in cash, I don't know,
CROW: NOOOOOBODY KNOWS!
TOM: [sings "X-Files" theme]
MIKE: Spooky!
>but IT COMPLETELY DEPENDS ON YOU, THE INDIVIDUAL!
CROW: Yes, you! The thicker the skull, the better!
>You must follow through and repost this article everywhere you can think
>of!
MIKE: [Hypnotic] Yesssss...you mussssssst...also, when you wake up, you
will cluck like a chicken!
>The more postings you achieve will determine how much cash
>will arrive in your very own mailbox!!
TOM: Ah, direct proportion! He must have paid attention in Algebra!
CROW: Coffee, mail-order scams, and public schools! Guadalajara, is there
no end to thy riches?
>It's just too easy to pass up!!!
[All silent for a few seconds as Crow makes driving motions. Mike looks at
his watch.]
CROW: Aw, shoot, I passed it up! Gonna' have to turn around!
MIKE: That WAS easy!
>Let's review the reasons why you should do this:
TOM: Let me just go through my notes here...oh, wow, there are none!
>The only cost factors are for the five stamps,
CROW: Yeah, well, by the year 2000, that could be in upwards of a buck-
fifty!
MIKE: Too late, Crow.
CROW: Dear Lord!
>the 5 envelopes and the 5 one dollar bills
CROW: This IS getting expensive!
MIKE: I can kiss my life savings goodbye.
>that you send out to the listed names by snail mail
>(US Postal Service Mail).
TOM: Wow, what a fresh and original term for that!
MIKE: I'm glad he told us what it meant!
>Then just simply repost the article (WITH YOUR NAME ADDED)
CROW: [As if signing a paper] Richard...M...Nixon.
>to all the newsgroups and local BBS's you can.
MIKE: There are a lot these days, you know.
>Then sit back and, (ironically), enjoy walking
CROW: I don't get that last line.
[Mike shrugs]
>(you can run if you like! :o )
TOM: What's with that smiley?
MIKE: What, was his terminal surprised that he said "run?"
>down your driveway to your mailbox and scoop up your rewards!!
CROW: Heh, heh, "scoop."
MIKE: We won't have to do that. Our mailbox is self-cleaning.
>We all have five dollars to put into such an easy effortless
>investment
MIKE: Well, maybe YOU'RE willing to spend the night selling your sex...
CROW: Nope, five bucks don't come easy.
>with SPECTACULAR REALISTIC RETURNS OF $15,000 to $25,000 in about
>3-5 weeks!
MIKE: Don't raise your voice at ME, young man!
TOM: How DARE you take that tone of voice!
CROW: Could you...could ya' tone it down a little?
>So HOLD OFF ON THOSE LOTTERY NUMBERS FOR TODAY,
CROW: And our winning numbers are...Six...six...six!
MIKE: Damn! Those were my numbers! Thanks a LOT, Sacha!
>EAT AT HOME TONIGHT INSTEAD OF TAKEOUT FROM McDONALDS
TOM: But what about America's favorite fries???
>AND INVEST FIVE DOLLARS IN THIS AMAZING MONEY MAKING SYSTEM NOW!!!
MIKE: Oh, that's AT LEAST two hamburger happy meals! What are you thinking?
>YOU CAN'T LOSE!!!
CROW: Pah! That's what they said to the '94 SuperSonics!
TOM: Wait, who?
MIKE: Denver...
TOM: Oh...
[All bow their heads in remorse.]
>So how do you do it exactly, you ask?
TOM: Did you hear ME ask? Noooooo!
MIKE: I really don't think that he cares.
CROW: Nope, Sacha's only in it for Sacha. What a shame.
>I have carefully provided the most detailed, yet straightforward
>instructions on how to easily get this underway and get your cash on
>its way.
MIKE: So don't screw it up.
>SO, ARE YOU READY TO MAKE SOME CASH!!!?? HERE WE GO!!!
ALL: [Perry Farrell voice] HERE WE GO!!!
>*** THE LIST OF NAMES IS AT THE END OF THIS ARTICLE. ***
CROW: [Licking his chops] Ha ha, I can't wait!
>OK, read this carefully.
MIKE: A few thousand pesos may depend on it.
TOM: Actually, Mike, that's a lot.
MIKE: But wait, isn't it, like, just a few bucks?
CROW: You're thinking Lira.
MIKE: Oh.
>Get a printout of this information,
TOM: Blow it up REAL BIG, and you can play magic eye.
MIKE: Aw, man, you gotta' teach me that sometime!
>so you can easily refer to it as often as needed.
CROW: Duh, what's step one again?
TOM: You say your name to the group, and say that you're an alcoholic.
>INSTRUCTIONS:
MIKE: Alright, the good stuff!
TOM: Is somebody taking notes?
CROW: Duh, will any of this be on the test?
>1. Take a sheet of paper and write on it the following:
TOM: "How to keep an idiot in suspense:"
MIKE: "Please excuse Tommy from gym class."
CROW: "I'm choking; please call 911."
>"Please add my name to your list".
ALL: Oh.
>This creates a service out of this money making system and thus
>making it completely legal.
TOM: Trust me!
>You are not just randomly sending a dollar to someone,
MIKE: Which would be the most heinous of all crimes...
>you are paying one dollar for a legitimate service.
CROW: Which would be...what?
>Make sure you include your name and address.
TOM: The cops just love it when you make their job easier.
>I assure you that, again,
CROW: I AM A MORON.
>this is completely legal!
TOM: Again, trust me!
>For a neat little twist,
MIKE: Send a nude photo of yourself. One more addition to the list of
charges won't hurt.
>also write what slot their name was in: "You were in slot 3",
CROW: "...just below Stalin."
>Just to add a little fun!
MIKE: [Giddy] Oh, yes, what fun writing stuff is!
>This is all about having fun and making money at the same time!
CROW: Couldn't he just make it easier on us and run for President
or something?
>2. Now fold this sheet of paper around a dollar bill,
CROW: I can make the president's head look like a mushroom!
MIKE: And I can make it look like he's winking!
TOM: I don't think he's calling for anything that complicated.
>(no checks or money orders),
MIKE: They can kill.
TOM: "SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: SENDING CHECKS OR MONEY ORDERS WHILE
PREGNANT CAN RESULT IN FETAL COMPLICATIONS, PREMATURE BIRTH, OR
LOW BIRTH WEIGHT."
MIKE: How do you remember that stuff?
>and put them into an envelope and send it on its way to the five
>people listed at the end of this document. The folding of the paper
>around the bill will insure its arrival to its recipient.
CROW: Yes, it's the catalyst for the magic spell, right?
>THIS STEP IS IMPORTANT!!
MIKE: MY VERY REPUTATION MAY DEPEND ON IT!!
>3. Now listen carefully, here's where you get YOUR MONEY COMING
>TO YOUR MAILBOX.
CROW: ...delivered by YOUR mailman, who works at YOUR post office,
located at YOUR intersection between Harlem and Devon...
>Look at the list of five people;
TOM: [Yen Lo: Manchurian Candidate] Number Three is a symbol of Raymond's
overbearing mother!
>remove the first name from position one and move everyone on the list up
>one slot on the list. Position 2 name will now move to the
>position 1 slot , position 3 will now become position 2, 4 will
>be 3, 5 will be 4. Now put your name,
CROW: No comprende.
TOM: Jesus, Mike, I sure hope you're writing this down, 'cuz I'm not
getting ONE WORD!
>address, zipcode AND COUNTRY
MIKE: Oh, hell, why not add planet and galaxy while you're at it?
>in position 5, the bottom position on the list.
TOM: Down, down, down...down to the bottom of the list...
>4. Now upload this updated file to as many newsgroups and local
>bulletin boards' message areas & file section as possible. Give
>a catchy description of the file so it gets noticed!! Such as:
CROW: "SEX! Ha-ha, gotcha'!"
>"NEED FAST CASH?, HERE IT IS!"
MIKE: Hey hey! You got MY attention!
>or "NEED CASH TO PAY OFF YOUR DEBTS??",
TOM: Whoa! Even better!
CROW: This guy's good!
>etc.
MIKE: Dear Lord, that's the mother of ALL slogans!
TOM: Heh-heh, Mike, that wasn't supposed to be a suggestion...
MIKE: Who cares, it worked!
>And the more uploads, the more money you will make,
CROW: More of that algebra stuff!
TOM: Proportionate quadratic algorithmic logarithms! Where'd he make
the connection?
>and of course, the more money the others on the list will make too.
MIKE: And that's the real purpose, of course. Helping others make quick
and easy money.
>LET'S ALL TAKE CARE OF EACH OTHER
CROW: Uh-oh, he's getting fanatic again.
TOM: [Singsong] Somebody didn't take his medica-tion!
>BY BEING HONEST AND BY PUTTING FORTH 120 PERCENT
MIKE: Hmmm, one hundred and twenty percent?
CROW: So what are we all supposed to do, grow another arm?
TOM: Maybe, for this guy, it's a brain.
>INTO THIS PROFITABLE & AMAZING SYSTEM!!!
MIKE: Profitable!
TOM: Amazing!
CROW: Phenomenal!
MIKE: Sex-stimulating!
CROW: Weight-reducing!
TOM: Dandy!
>You'll reap the benefits,
CROW: [Singing] Hi-ho, the dairy-o, a reaping we will go!
>believe me!!!
TOM: I swear it on the grave of my unborn child!
>Set a goal for the number of total uploads you'll post,
MIKE: How far do you think he'll get, Crow? Six, seven?
CROW: If he's determined enough.
>such as 15-20 postings or more!
TOM: ...per hour, every hour, until you PUKE!
>Always have a goal in mind!!!
CROW: Like one of those funky Y-shaped football goal posts!
MIKE: Sacha shoots, he SCORES!!!
>If you can UU-encode the file when uploading,
TOM: UU-what?
MIKE: From the mouths of babes, Crow...
CROW: Yep.
TOM: WHAT?!
>that will make it easier for the people to receive it and have it
>downloaded to their hard drive.
CROW: Or you can just buy a Mac, and it'll do the thinking for you!
TOM: Hey, what's so bad about System 7?
MIKE: From the mouths of--
TOM: Hey, just SHUT UP, will you?
>That way they get a copy of the article right on their computer
>without hassles of viewing and then saving the article from the File
>menu.
MIKE: And such technical jargon I'm sure you Americans won't understand.
>Don't alter the file type,
CROW: And make SURE you don't cross the streams!
>leave it as an MS-DOS Text file. The best test is to be able to view
>this file
TOM: Without gagging.
>using Microsoft's Notepad for Windows 3.x or WordPad for Windows '95.
MIKE: But who has Windows 3.x these days! Just forget that I said it!
>If the margins look right without making the screen slide left or right
>when at the ends of the sentences,
CROW: Then you're safe from motion sickness.
>you're in business!
CROW: I guarantee it.
>5. If you need help uploading,
MIKE: Pray like you've never prayed before.
>simply ask the sysop of the BBS,
TOM: If he laughs in your sorry little face, well, give up!
>or "POST" a message on a newsgroup asking how to post a file,
CROW: Step 6...get a life...
>tell them who your Internet provider is
MIKE: And we'll take care of it...no witnesses.
>and PEOPLE WILL ALWAYS BE
TOM: [singing] ALL THAT THEY CAN BE!
>GLAD TO HELP. I would try to describe how to do it but there are
simply too many internet software packages with slightly different
yet relatively simple ways to post or upload a file.
CROW: I just don't FEEL like telling you.
>Just ask for help or look in the help section for 'posting'. I do
>know that for GNN,
MIKE: [James-Earl Jones] This...is GNN.
>you simply select 'POST'
TOM: ...then click on 'KELLOGGS,' under the 'GENERAL MILLS' menu.
>then enter a catchy description under the subject box,
MIKE: [monotone] FATAL ERROR. DESCRIPTION NOT CATCHY. ACCESS DENIED.
>choose 'ATTACH', selecting 'UUE' and NOT 'TXT', then choose 'Browse'
TOM: All these extensions, commands, and tasks!
CROW: I've said it before, and I'll say it again: SOMEBODY HAD BETTER BE
WRITING ALL THIS DOWN!
>to go look for the file. Find your text file CASH.TXT and click on it
MIKE: If 'CASH.TXT' is in a bad mood, however, he will tell you to stop
touching him, and you'll have to try later.
>and choose 'OK'.
TOM: Why not choose 'Alright', 'Fine', or 'Whatever'?
>Place a one line statement in the main body section of the message post
>screen. Something like
MIKE: Ooh, I just love it when he gives us suggestions!
CROW: WRITE THIS DOWN NOW!
>"Download this to read how to get cash arriving in your mailbox with no
>paybacks!" or whatever.
[All gawk silently]
MIKE: God, he's really lost his touch.
TOM: [Chuckling] "or whatever." Nice.
>Just make sure it represents its true feasibility,
CROW: Well, I REALLY don't think that "I'm a liar! This will never work!"
will do you any good.
>NOT something like...
MIKE: "YOU ALL SUCK!"
>"Get one million dollars flooding in your mailbox in two days!"
TOM: Hey, where do I sign?
>You'll never get ANY responses!
TOM: Pah.
[To Be Concluded...]