BATMAN & ROBIN SCRIPT MISTING (2/10)
Badger
>
> FREEZE
> Watch the numbers, Batman. For they
> are the harbingers of your doom.
>
>68 ALTIMETER CLOSE. 10,000 feet and climbing fast.
TOM: AUDIENCE CLOSE. LEAVING SLOWLY.
>
> FREEZE
> Can you feel it coming?
MIKE: No, I feel nothing
> The icy cold
> of space. At 30,000 feet your heart
> will freeze and beat no more.
TOM: Ah, like Newt Gingrich's.
>
> THE ALTIMETER CLOSE. 15,000 feet and rising.
MIKE: Is it too late for me to note that I don't care?
TOM: THE AUDIENCE. LEAVING FASTER.
>
>69 EXT. CAPSULE
>
> Robin has climbed onto the nose-cone. Is struggling
CROW: With his next line!
TOM: Can you imagine the windburn he has?
> against the acceleration, using bat-magnets to crawl
> towards the escape hatch.
>
>70 INT. CAPSULE
>
> Freeze steps into a glide-wing backpack mounted on the wall.
>
> FREEZE
> After you have frozen, your icy tomb
> will plummet back to Gotham.
TOM <SCHWARZENEGGER>: Followed by a short eulogy.
>
> BATMAN
> Freeze, you're mad. This capsule
> will slaughter thousands.
TOM: And annoy millions.
>
> Freeze releases the door behind him, the sky WHIPPING past
> beyond.
>
> FREEZE
> Ain't it grand? Freeze well.
>
> Freeze leaps out into the night.
MIKE: Weighing over 400 pounds, the glide wing doesn't support him,
he crashes into the city, destroying the Gotham(tm) Arboretum and
ending the movie . . .
TOM: Hallucinate much, Mike?
MIKE: I could use a little more.
>
>71 EXT. NIGHT SKY
>
> Freeze begins to plummet towards the lights of Gotham
> below.
>
>72 FREEZE'S BACKPACK - CLOSE. A sleek wing extends from its
> housing.
CROW: However, he put it on sideways, so it slices him in half!
>
> Freeze angles himself downward in mid air, using his
> glide wing to control his fast flight towards the
> distant city.
>
>73 INT. CAPSULE
CROW: Bright lights. Big city. Bad movie.
>
>74 The controls, the glass nose-cone, the capsule itself are
> all frosting over. The hatch opens. Robin drops in.
>
> ROBIN
> I was just hanging around.
MIKE: There've already been enough lame one-liners for two movies!
>
> BATMAN
> I thought you were going to stay in
> the museum and round up the thugs.
>
> ROBIN
> How about, nice to see you? Glad
> you're here to save my life.
>
>75 Robin pulls a laser from his utility belt, FLASH MELTS
> one of his ice-shackles.
CROW: The Flash(tm) is in this movie?
>
> BATMAN
> When we get home, we're having a
> little communication workshop.
CROW <ROBIN>: Not again . . .
TOM: Well, Master means this, Slave means this . . .
>
> Robin FLASH METLS the other ice gauntlet. Batman is free.
TOM: But Robin(tm) costs extra.
>
> ROBIN
> Is it cold in here or is it just me?
>
>76 ALTIMETER - CLOSE. 20,000 and rising. Ice is forming
> everywhere.
CROW: Not at that speed!
>
> BATMAN
> Got to make sure this rocket doesn't
> turn Gotham into a crater.
MIKE: Who would notice? Metropolis(tm) would just have a party to
celebrate!
TOM: Still speaking in trademark.
MIKE: Yeah, it's like being in the Gary Gygax universe . . .
>
>77 Batman whips a bat-shaped charge, throws it onto the
> ceiling. An armed light on the charge flashes green.
TOM: The armed light shoots them dead!
>
> ROBIN
> Now what? We call a taxi?
CROW: Hey, we're gonna see Space Cabby!
>
>78 Batman grabs a handle marked CAUTION: EXPLOSIVE BOLTS.
> Robin smiles, grabs a similar handle on the opposing metal
> door.
CROW: Marked CAUTION: EXPLOSIVE NUTS.
>
> BATMAN
> Watch the first step.
>
> ROBIN
> Surf's up.
CROW: Audience - Interest is down.
>
>79 Both pull the release handles, leaping onto the capsule
> doors as the EXPLOSIVE bolts BLOW them into space.
CROW: Phallic Symbol Five.
TOM: Yeah, our last best hope for crude symbolism.
>
>80 THE BATCHARGE LIGHT - CLOSE. Goes red.
>
>81 EXT. NIGHT SKY - FALLING
>
> As the capsule EXPLODES above them raining falling
> debris, Batman and Robin skyboard on the doors down
> towards...
MIKE: It's Dark Star!
>
>82 FREEZE is ROCKETING to earth, the diamond in his hand.
MIKE: A song in his heart.
>
>83/84 OMITTED
ALL: Thank you . . .
>
>84A BATMAN AND ROBIN race towards Freeze and the city
> below.
>
> The caped crusaders avoid skyscraper turrets and elevated
> bridges as they follow in Freeze's wake.
TOM: But the billboards get them . . .
>
>84B BATMAN swoops down above the villain, pushing off his
> skyboard, grabbing Freeze around the neck, the diamond
> flying into mid air.
>
>85 ROBIN maneuvers in a grand flip, grabs the falling gem.
CROW: Robin(tm) makes a mistake and grabs Freeze's(tm) family
jewels instead!
>
>86/87 FREEZE releases his glide pack buckle,
MIKE: His pants fall off . . .
> dislodging Batman,
> the hero and the glide pack spinning away from Freeze.
>
>88 BATMAN dumps the glide pack, arcs back into his rushing
> drop.
MIKE: I think we'd have to see the film to make sense of this . . .
>
>89-91 OMITTED
CROW: And those were the scenes that explained the whole movie.
>
>92 FREEZE is descending fast towards the giant smoking
>93 chimney of a towering industrial complex.
TOM: Phallic symbol six or so . .
> He aims his gun
> at the smoking toward and FIRES, the fast maw quickly
> covering with snow.
MIKE: Fast Maw . . .
CROW: Hang on Maw, we're going fast!
>
>94 Freeze plummets into the snowy chimney.
>
>95 BATMAN AND ROBIN drop into the ice shaft after the
> villain.
>
>96 FREEZE FIRES his gun as he falls, slowing his descent by
> turning the chimney into a madly snaking tunnel of ice
> before him.
MIKE: And this accomplishes . . . what?
TOM: Employing special effects people.
>
>96A-96D OMITTED
MIKE: And here's where skating stops terminal velocity.
>
>97 BATMAN AND ROBIN tumble head first through layers of snow
> after the villain. They pull their Batgrapples and FIRE.
>
>98 BATGRAPPLES - CLOSE. Hit the wall. Catch.
MIKE: I can just see Green Lantern(tm) up there, looking at all
this spaceborne mess, and thinking 'Not My Problem.'
>
>99 BATMAN AND ROBIN use their tethers to slow their descent,
> landing hard in...
>
>100 INT. INDUSTRIAL BASEMENT
>
> A long submarine-like corridor
>
> ROBIN
> Cool. Can we do that again?
MIKE: No young man, and if you ask again, we're going RIGHT back to
the Batcave!
>
>101 Batman and Robin race towards Freeze who is fleeing down
> the other end of the corridor. he points his gun at the
> ceiling. FIRES.
>
>102 The sprinkler system pipes EXPLODE, forming a mighty,
> intense blizzard in the wind-tunnel.
>
>103 BATMAN
> Sudden temperature drop. Watch out
> for the...
TOM: Tree!
MIKE: It's George of the Clooney!
>104 A blast of wind ROARS down the tunnel, SLAMMING the
> doors, sending snow and ice whipping towards them
>
> BATMAN
> Wind.
CROW: Sorry. Lentils.
>
>105 Batman and Robin WHIP their capes over their faces,
MIKE: And each other . . .
> push
> forward, fighting the storm, going through the doors one
> by one.
>
>106 INT. BOILER ROOM
>
> Frozen. At the terminus of the tunnel. A frozen boiler
> stands in the center of the icy moat of the building's
> INTERNAL RESERVOIR. The door swings open, Batman pushing
> inside.
>
>107 Freeze flies from behind the door, SLAMMING the metal
> portal hard into Batman's face.
TOM: Making George Clooney marginally more attractive.
> Batman tumbles forward.
>
>108 Freeze raises his gun. Another figure leaps in from the
> hallway, going for Freeze. Robin.
MIKE: Hey, now Robin's(tm) going for Freeze(tm)! Evolving
relationships here . . .
>
>109 Freeze FIRES, turning the boy into a frozen sculpture of
> ice. He plucks the diamond from his icy hand.
>
>109A EXT. CROSS SECTION OF GOTHAM CITY-VFX
>
> A schematic map of Gotham. Freeze's vehicle burrows
> underneath the city, freezing the firmament in its path
CROW: Firmament? Firmament? That's SKY you moron!
> and clearing away the debris, heading towards the boiler
> room.
>
>110 INT. BOILER ROOM
>
> (OVER) a RUMBLING.
TOM: I think I need more time to get over the Rumbling.
CROW: Tom, the only way over the Rumbling is through it.
> Suddenly the wall EXPLODES. Freeze's
> drilling truck appears in the clearing smoke.
>
>111 FREEZE
> Can you be cold, Batman? You have
> eleven minutes to thaw the bird.
> What will you do, chase the villain
> or save the boy?
MIKE <BATMAN>: Frankly, I'd rather chase the boy and save the
villain!
>
> Freeze leaps onto the giant vehicle.
TOM: What is it with sizes in this thing!
CROW: It's about the gear.
TOM: Oh, I forgot.
>
> FREEZE
> Your emotions make you weak. That is
> why this day is mine.
> (smile)
> Stay cool, bats.
>
>112 And Freeze is gone, sealing the tunnel hole after him
> with a blast of ice, clearing the frosted pane to wave
> goodbye.
MIKE: Probably with one finger.
>
>113 Batman moves fast to the boy wonder, touches his frozen
> skin.
ALL: Ooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhh!
> He whips out his bat-laser, points at the icy
> reservoir and FIRES.
>
>114 THE RESERVOIR - CLOSE. The frozen water melts, begins to
> SIMMER.
>
>115 The caped crusader immerses Robin in the steaming sea.
MIKE: He's a Baptist! <EVENGELIST VOICE>: Do you renounce the
Joker and all his works!
>115A Under the water, the boy's face is perfectly still.
>
>116 A long beat. Then Robin's head breaks the surface.
> COUGHING. Alive
TOM: Unfortunately the rest of him is dead.
MIKE: Makes me wonder what happened to poor old Jan after we became
pure energy.
>
> ROBIN
> Did we get him?
>
>117 EXT. SOUTH AMERICAN RAIN FOREST - NIGHT
CROW: Exterior of the South American Rain Forest? Where is this,
Mexico?
TOM: Jeez, welcome to Movie II.
>
> (OVER) THUNDER. Lighting flashes on a maze of tends and
> tarpaulins affixed to the ruins of a decaying PRISON MORTE.
MIKE: Then lightning closes its trenchcoat.
> A "FOR SALE OR LEASE" sign is illuminated by the storm.
>
> SCREEN READS - Meanwhile, somewhere in the South American
> Jungle...
CROW: We search for a more interesting plot.
>
>118 INT. TENTED GREENHOUSE LAB - NIGHT
>
> Bunsen Burners flicker. Beakers BUBBLE.
ALL <AS BEAKER:> MeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMee
> Martha Stewart
> does Fankenstein.
MIKE: Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww!
TOM: Woah, you won't see THAT on Spice!
>
> PAMELA ISLEY, lovely features hidden by a glasses and bad
> hair, shape obscured by her lab coat, TALKS into a
> cylindrical micro-recorder.
MIKE <AGENT COOPER>: Diane . . .
>
> PAMELA
> I still have high hopes for the
> animal plant cross-breedings
TOM <PAMELA>: But the plants will just not go out with me!
MIKE: You know, she used to practice animal husbandry - until they
caught her at it . . .
>
> Pam surveys the two lab tables. One table is a mass of plants.
> The other is covered with tanks of spiders, snakes and
> scorpions. Tubes run from the lethal beasts into a jar of
> milky fluid labeled VENOM.
TOM: Generic venom. Cheaper than regular venom.
> More tubes run from the Venom
> jar into the plants. One plant twitches as it receives the
> toxins.
MIKE: Oh, yeah, gimme some more, gimme some more Huggy Bear . . .
TOM: This may just be me, but I think it's wrong to teach plants
to shoot up.
>
> PAMELA
> If I can only find the correct dose
> of Venom, these plants will be able
> to fight back like animals.
TOM: By polluting the environment and decimating the ecosphere!
> I will
> have given flora a chance against
> the thoughtless ravages of man.
MIKE: Yet we have no protection from the thoughtless ravages of
this script . . .
>
> (OVER) An agonized SCREAM.
TOM: The audience realizes what it paid to see.
> Terrified, Pam walks towards
> the source of the WAILS, a gothic prison door to which the
> tent is affixed. The portal is marked: PROJECT GILGAMESH.
TOM: And PROJECT LUSCIOUS JACKSON.
>
> PAMELA
> Personal note: my work would proceed
> faster if Dr. Woodrue weren't always
> whisking my Venom samples back to
> his mysterious Gilgamesh Wing. Why
> won't he let me into his lab?
MIKE: His lab has a "No Girls Allowed" sign like the Little
Rascals.
>
> (OVER) Another blood-curdling SCREAM. Pam turns off the
> recorder.
TOM: By showing it Molly Sugden naked.
>
> PAM
> What is he doing in there?
>
>119 Just then the door opens, a startled Pam dropping her
> recorder as lightning flashes and DOCTOR JASON WOODRUE
> ENTERS. Einstein's hair. Manson's eyes.
TOM: Oppenheimer's belly.
>
> WOODRUE
> Dr. Isley, loveliest flower in our
> garden. How fare our little wards?
MIKE: And our little Junes and our little Wallys?
>
> Woodrue moves in, too close, backing Pam against her
> worktable, his face inches from hers. He spots the jar of
> Venom.
TOM: Got some bourbon? This stuff goes great with that!
>
> WOODRUE
> What do we have here? A lovely new
> supply of Venom.
> (lifts the jar)
> I'll just take this to my laboratory
> for further study.
>
> PAMELA
> What exactly are you working on in
> there? What are those screams?
>
> A bright flash of lightning.
CROW: Which, unfortunately, didn't strike the writer.
> Woodrune advances on Pam.
TOM: Geez, by now he's behind her.
>
> WOODRUE
> How I'd love to share my secrets with
> you. But I ask you, sweet sapling,
TOM: Oh, my little ragweed of joy.
MIKE: This guy has all the romantic skill of Earthworm Jim . . .
> can you be trusted? You refuse my
> invitations to dine. You hide your
> honeyed buds behind these sallow robes.
ALL: Eeeeeewwwww!
>
> (OVER) More lightning and ever more deafening THUNDER.
TOM: Thunder! Thunder! Thunder . . . ah, forget it.
>
> WOODRUE
> Ah, but there's romance in the air
> tonight. Perhaps a moonlit stroll in
> the jungle. And then, later, in the
> dark, we can share everything.
TOM: Will you guys mind if I throw up?
MIKE: No, just warn us so we can join in
>
> Woodrue has her up against the wall, his twitching lips
> only inches from hers. Pam winces, manages to step away.
> (OVER) another SCREAM.
MIKE: With Drew Barrymore.
>
> PAMELA
> You have to tell me what you're
> doing with my Venom.
MIKE: Pam, maybe we don't want to find out.
CROW: Yeah, Pam, some things go better unsaid.
>
> WOODRUE
> (nasty)
TOM: Nasty as he wants to be - which is PLENTY in this case.
> You must show me your secrets,
> blossom, before I show you mine.
CROW: Oh, yuck, now he's hitting on Blossom!
>
>120 Pam watches him leave. As the door to the Gilgamesh wing
> swings closed, Pam kicks her fallen recorder, the metal
> cylinder rolling between door and jamb, keeping the
> entrance from sealing.
>
>121 INT. LABS - GILGAMESH SECTION - WALKING
>
> Pam steals through the crumbling hallway of the abandoned
> prison following the SCREAMS (OVER) as they grow ever
> LOUDER.
TOM <PAMELA>: That poor audience, I must save them from my film .
.
>
>122 INT. LABS - GILGAMESH CHAMBER
>
> Banks of flashing SuperCrays. A gurney is surrounded by
> SPARKING and HUMMING equipment. Frankestein meets
> Frankenstien.
TOM: In a battle to save Frankenstein from the Amazing Rando!
>
> Woodrue emerges from the shadows, a portable phone in
> hand.
>
> WOODRUE
> Ladies and gentlemen of the
> un-United Nations.
> (into the phone)
> And our mystery bidder.
TOM: Who is busy draining his mystery bladder, but will be with us
shortly.
>
>123 Pull BACK TO REVEAL
>
> A small bridge arcs over the room. AN AMERICAN GENERAL,
> A RUSSIAN COMMISSAR, A SHEIK, and A DICTATOR all watch on
> from above.
TOM: Where do you get a generic Dictator?
CROW: Sams club.
>
> WOODRUE
> I give you the future of military
> conquest.
MIKE: This script!
>
> A scrawny PRISONER in a too-large tank suit is dragged
> into the room by several gun-toting CAPOS and shackled to
> the gurney. His bald skull is adorned with three
> surgically implanted ducts.
MIKE AND TOM: Quack, quack . . .
CROW: He wrote "ducts" guys.
>
> WOODRUE
> May I present Antonio Diego, serial
> murderer serving life in prison and
> sole surviving volunteer.
TOM: He killed Snap, Crackle, and Pop!
>
> Diego SPITS.
>
> WOODRUE
> And what a charmer he is.
MIKE: I hope this doesn't have a swimsuit competition.
>
>124 WIDER. Pam slips in, unseen, hides behind a stack of
> circuit boxes, watching on as Woodrue lifts the jar of
> milky Venom.
TOM: It was a very good hour . . .
>
> WOODRUE
> The super solder serum,
MIKE: Let's hope Marvel forgets this . . .
> code named
> Venom, patent pending of course.
>
> Woodrue pours the venom into a high-tech injector pack
> strapped to the back of the gurney.
TOM: So easy a child can use it!
> He lifts an open-front
> black and white mask attached by snaking tubes to the
> injector pack.
>
> WOODRUE
> Notice the hassle free zipper.
TOM: And the one on my pants . . .
>
> He pulls the oversized mask over Diego's head, tubes fitting
> into the ducts in his skull, zips the fabric closed over his
> face.
CROW: Do we have ENOUGH bondage themes yet?
>
> WOODRUE
> (lifts a remote)
TOM: Who wants to watch wrestling from Thailand?
> Time to scream.
ALL:
Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
>
> He hits a control stud
TOM: Named "Thad."
> on the remote. The injector pack
> begins PUMPING the milky Venom into Diego's skull. Diego
> SCREAMS.
TOM: Oh, he didn't mean us.
>
>125 Something strange happens to the prisoner.
MIKE: He outsmarts Number Two and escapes!
> His chest
> begins to enlarge. His neck becomes thick. his forearms grow.
MIKE: He's turning into "El Santo!"
>
> WOODRUE
> Behold, the ideal killing machine. I
> call this little number...Bane. Bane
> of humanity. Imagine it, your own
> personal army made up of thousands
> of these super soldiers. Bidding
> begins at a mere 10 million.
MIKE: Ten million what?
>
> Woodrue ups the Venom flow. Impossibly the prisoner grows
> larger. Arm and leg shackles SNAP. Bane lurches for the
> Venom pump, SMASHING consoles, SPARKING components raining
> down around Pam.
CROW: But they won't stick if it's Pam!
>
> PAM SCREAMS.
>
> As Capos rush to subdue Bane, Woodrue strides to the dazed
> Pam.
>
> WOODRUE
> Welcome to my parlor.
MIKE: Said the psycho to the Flygirl . . .
TOM: Nicely done!
MIKE: Thank you. It keeps my mind off the need I feel to kill
myself!
>
>126 INT. CORRIDOR - WALKING
CROW: The entire corridor is walking? What is it, the corridor of
Baba Yaga?
MIKE: Maybe it's the earlier one.
>
> Woodrue is escorting a nervous Pam back towards her lab.
>
> WOODRUE
> ...Our original sponsor had no
> stomach for military applications.
> he cut the funding for our work -
TOM: And the audience has no stomach for this film . . .
>
> PAMELA
> Our work?
MIKE: Woah. HR really wiffed it with Pam here, didn't they?
>
> WOODRUE
> Without your research, I could never
> have come this far. Join me. The two
> of us, entwined, side by side...
MIKE <Announcer>: Never has heterosexuality been this unappealing.
>
> They have arrived at Pam's workshop. Woodrue opens the
> door.
>
>127 INT. PAMELA'S WORKSHOP - CONTINUOUS
CROW: Continuous. So the rest of the film will be in here?
>
> PAMELA
> Join you? I've spent my life trying
> to protect plants from extinction
> and now you corrupt my research into
> some maniacal scheme for world
> domination.
TOM <BRAIN>: What are we going to do tonight, Pamela?
> When I get through you
> won't be able to get a job teaching
> high school chemistry, do you hear
> me, you psycho?
TOM <WOODRUE>: Huh? Did you say something.
>
> WOODRUE
> Well, I can respect your opinion.
MIKE: But not your taste in clothes.
>
> Woodrue shoves Pam viciously backwards into the inter-
> connected tables, plants and poisonous beasts raining
> down on top of her.
TOM <SINGING>: It's raining snakes!
>
> WOODRUE
> Sadly, I'm not good at rejection.
MIKE: Or acting, or finance, or calculus.
>
> Woodrue begins pulling shelves of cages and BUBBLING
> beakers
ALL <AS BEAKER:> MeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMee
CRASHING down atop the struggling Pam, burying her
> and all her specimens entirely.
MIKE: Ewwww!
TOM: Looks like Pam's buried in her work! Bada-bing!
>
> WOODRUE
> I'm afraid you'll have to die.
MIKE <Pam>: Do you expect me to act? <Villainous> No, Miss Isley, I
expect you to die!
>
>128 WOODRUE - CLOSE. Smiles as the SOUNDS of Pam's struggle
> are finally silenced. He turns, heading back into the
> hallway.
>
> WOODRUE
> (loud)
> Fellow maniacs, bidding begins!
MIKE: I wonder if 10,000 maniacs will be bidding?
>
>129 INT. BATCAVE - NIGHT
>
> Bruce stands with Dick
ALL <STARE>
> , now wrapped in a blanket
ALL <START CHUCKLING>
> , steaming
> mug in hand,
ALL <GIGGLING>
> watching the main monitor.
ALL <LAUGHING UPRORIOUSLY>
CROW: It's the new breakfast treat, Dicks in a blanket!
>
> BRUCE
> Gotham University Labs. Security
> video. Two years ago.
TOM: Could you get one?
>
>130 SCREEN - CLOSE. The image of a dazzling hi-tech lab-
> oratory. A beautiful young woman (NORA FRIES) lays on
> a gurney.
TOM: You want Fries with that? Bada-bing!
> A SCIENTIST works a bank of controls over a
> SMOKING vat of cryonic solution. Handsome, the intense
> gaze of genius, the man Freeze once was.
TOM: Before Schwarzenegger played him, you mean.
MIKE: That's pretty low, Tom.
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