MiSTed: What's actually HOT and NASTY about Venus? [ 1 / 1 ]
Joseph Nebus
[ 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.. 6.. ]
[ SATELLITE OF LOVE. GYPSY, CROW, and JOEL are behind the desk;
a wide slingshot-style rubber band reaches across the view. ]
JOEL: Hi, everyone, welcome to the Satellite of Love. It's a really
short day today what with being so late in the year and all
that, so we have to rush right into things. This is Gypsy,
Crow, and demonstrating our invention this week is Tom Servo.
TOM: [ Off-screen ] SAVE ME!
GYPSY: Our idea was based on one's natural inclination to go bungee
jumping.
CROW: But most people aren't insane or Australian enough to plunge
headfirst into the unknown.
TOM: I'M NOT AUSTRALIAN!
JOEL: And reverse bungee, where you sit in a canister and fling
upwards, isn't much better.
GYPSY: So we unveil -- the sideways bungee!
TOM: LEMME OUT!
CROW: Tom has his hoverskirt, but normal customers would just wear
roller skates for a reasonably friction-free experience.
JOEL: Everybody ready?
TOM: NO!
CROW: You heard him, Gypsy, go!
[ GYPSY's light blinks; TOM, screaming, is flung across the camera,
and -- after a few seconds -- flung the opposite way. He does
not crash into anything. GYPSY, CROW, and JOEL watch TOM go
through several oscillations this way. MADS SIGN flashes. ]
JOEL: So, uh, what do you think, sirs?
[ DEEP 13. FRANK hosts; DR FORRESTER sits listlessly on a couch,
behind a TV set (screen hidden from view), with a TV dinner
tray on a snack stand, and he holds and stares at a half-eaten
tuna fish on graham cracker sandwich, without moving. ]
FRANK: [ Cheery as always ] TV Dinners: one of the great American
contributions to humanity, like atom bombs and `Night Court'.
Besides inventing a use for this country's vast tater tot
output, it allows many bachelors to consume nutrition-inspired
yet unsatisfying suppers alone in a fraction of the time!
So we thought, why not extend this to other meals?
[ DR FORRESTER groans. ]
FRANK: Thus we present -- the TV Lunch! Not enough food to make you
stop being hungry, but just cheap enough to make fixing a real
lunch seem like too much trouble. We've got ... peanut butter
sandwiches with that swipe of the last jelly in the jar; single
slices of ham and cheese with plenty of mayo and a couple drops
of mustard-stained water; and many more. Each sandwich entree
comes with a second half-sandwich made by folding a crust end
over. A damp salad of lima beans, squash, and string beans leaks
over into the chipped cookie, and overall you have the perfect
meal that says: I'm eating this while watching McLean Stevenson
stumble over his answers on `Match Game 78'.
[ DR FORRESTER whimpers. ]
FRANK: Now, Steve's already jumped into the tuna salad made with two
drops of runny mayo and served on stale graham crackers. We
think it'll be a big hit. So, Joeleroo, we've got a little trip
for you this week through molten rock, carbon dioxide narcosis,
and of course, Usenet. It's Brad Guth and Venus like you've never
seen them before asking the question, ``What's actually HOT and
NASTY about Venus?'' ... and don't we all want to know?
[ SATELLITE OF LOVE. ]
CROW: I don't like when he calls you 'Joeleroo'.
GYPSY: He means well.
TOM: [ Bungeeing across the screen again. ] LET ME OUT!
JOEL: Gypsy, you'll let him out when he comes to a stop, please?
GYPSY: Sure.
[ MOVIE SIGN begins flashing; general alarm ]
JOEL: Good, 'cause WE'VE GOT MOVIE SIGN!
TOM: [ Bungeeing back the other way ] GOOD FOR YOU!
[ 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.. 6.. ]
[ ALL file into theater, as normal. ]
TOM: [ Disgusted ] Sideways bungee.
> Path:
CROW: Ineligible Rethiever.
> rpi!news.usc.edu!newsfeed.news.ucla.edu!news.maxwell.syr.edu!postnews
TOM: Boy, this thing's better-travelled than *we* are.
> . google.com!o13g2000cwo.googlegroups.com!not-for-mail
CROW: You said it.
> From: "Brad Guth" <ieisbr...@yahoo.com>
JOEL: Hi, Brad.
> Newsgroups:
> sci.space.history,sci.astro.seti,
TOM: See Astro City, five miles.
> sci.astro,sci.philosophy.tech,news.
> admin.censorship
JOEL: talk.poofy.hair.
TOM: comp.sys.amiga.fondlers.
CROW: alt.temporary.pants.lad.
> Subject: What's actually HOT and NASTY about Venus?
CROW: Besides the pools of molten lead, I mean.
> Date: 3 Sep 2005 15:26:37 -0700
> Organization: http://groups.google.com
> Lines: 76
TOM: Trombones: Lead the big parade.
> Message-ID: <1125786396.9...@o13g2000cwo.googlegroups.com>
JOEL: Monsters of the Message Id.
> NNTP-Posting-Host: 64.40.55.39
> Mime-Version: 1.0
CROW: Version 1.2 is the first one that debugs the whole ``walking
into the wind'' scenario, though.
> Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1"
JOEL: That's a sarcastic way of referring to a charset.
TOM: Isn't a charset the only thing that beats a bulbasaur?
> X-Trace:
CROW: EXTREEEEEEME! Trace!
> posting.google.com 1125786403 9973 127.0.0.1 (3 Sep 2005
> 22:26:43 GMT)
> X-Complaints-To: groups...@google.com
TOM: Always with the X-Complaints; where do we send X-Compliments?
> NNTP-Posting-Date: Sat, 3 Sep 2005 22:26:43 +0000 (UTC)
> User-Agent: G2/0.2
CROW: So that's ... G10?
> X-HTTP-UserAgent: Mozilla/4.0 (compatible; MSIE 6.0; MSN 2.5; Windows
> 98; T312461),gzip(gfe),gzip(gfe)
JOEL: ... rstln(e) ...
TOM: ... plorfnop(rezniz) ...
CROW: ... potrzebie.
> Complaints-To: groups...@google.com
> Injection-Info:
TOM: Once daily under physician's or nurse's approval.
JOEL: Symptoms may persist.
> o13g2000cwo.googlegroups.com;
> posting-host=64.40.55.39;
TOM: Hike!
> posting-account=mSmX5Q0AAABAOTfKTkCm7WO5PvgF8_A4
CROW: They really should encode stuff like this.
> Xref: rpi sci.space.history:59672 sci.astro.seti:8583 sci.astro:73410
> sci.philosophy.tech:1443 news.admin.censorship:1093
TOM: [ As arena announcer ] The totals on the board are correct-ect-ect
... sci.astro is the winner-ner-ner ...
>
> Simply stated;
JOEL: Because I'm not that bright,
> Venus is not insurmountably hot,
CROW: It's cold at the center. Try nuking it a couple minutes.
> and furthermore,
> because it's surface and whatever else that's situated below an
> altitude of 25~35 km remains reasonably dry,
TOM: Past the sulphuric acid rains ...
> as such it's actually
> not all that nasty.
CROW: And it's got a great personality.
>
> Upon Earth; http://www.valleywater.net/hydration.htm
JOEL: Valley water. Water for clean, clean people.
> 1500 ml/day excretion by kidneys in the form of urine
TOM: That's a lot of letters m and l to excrete one day.
CROW: And less than one k every week, too. Weird.
> 500 ml/day evaporation and perspiration from the skin
TOM: So if you're coming to Venus, don't bring your skin.
> 300 ml/day from the lungs
CROW: 150 milliliters per day from the adenoids.
> 200 ml/day from the gastrointestinal tract
JOEL: And field.
TOM: 114 milliliters per day, angrily skipping commercials
at the front of DVDs.
JOEL: 883 milliliters per day, being unable to tell a cabbage
from a lettuce.
CROW: 103 milliliters per day, gratuity.
>
> Human metabolic perspiration (internal as well as external
> excretions)
JOEL: Also counting their after-school activities.
> represents a wee bit of a testy if not terribly corrosive
> problem at 2500 ml/day,
CROW: But remember at all times to keep your humans moist.
> whereas everything that's fluid effectively
> leaks out,
TOM: Well, who would want ineffective leaking?
> boils off and/or evaporates at reduced ambient pressure,
JOEL: Peer pressure.
> and just the opposite for having to survive within a greater ambient
> pressure,
CROW: Except for February, which has twenty-eight.
> though please do try to remember that I'm not the village
> idiot
TOM: He's just the goofball for the Fourth Ward.
> that's even remotely suggesting we should be going there in
> person.
JOEL: So get that foolish thought out of your head, you silly,
silly man.
> However, under nearly 100 bar of pressure
CROW: *Chocolate* bars of pressure.
> that'll have
> essentially equalized throughout our body
JOEL: Under the mighty wrath of the Hershey's corporation.
> and thus affecting every
> organ and molecule
TOM: With a lovely concerto for organ and molecule.
> involved isn't all that likely to sweat nearly as
> much, if at all.
CROW: Perspiration declines quickly after death.
JOEL: Mitchum. So effective you can even skip a death.
>
> Thereby even CO2 as a replacement for N2 isn't nearly as lethal as
> we'd thought,
TOM: It's only *mostly* lethal.
> or from having been told by all of our NASA certified
> wizards.
CROW: I love seeing Wally Schirra wave that sparkly magic wand around.
> In fact, the acclamation to that sort of environment might
> even become humanly doable,
TOM: You just have to find the fun.
> within as little as 0.1% O2 and the bulk
> of the remainder as CO2
JOEL: CO2 -- The Wrath of Khan!
> or perhaps artificially accommodated by a gas
> of some other element that's quite likely already within the
> technology that's at hand.
CROW: Use *all* our technology, starting with those dancing soda cans.
>
> There's certainly no shortage of green/renewable energy at one's
> disposal,
TOM: In fact, there's none at all.
> thus no amount of raw energy need be imported.
JOEL: Just refill your thermos at the natural fountains of Red Bull.
> There's
> certainly no shortage of H2O that's sequestered within them
> relatively cool clouds
TOM: Them's cool clouds, baby.
CROW: They're the Barry Whites of stratocumulus formations.
> (especially those of their nighttime season).
JOEL: In the nighttime season's when we let it all hang out.
>
> I have a good number of other qualifiers
CROW: A couple conditionals, and three uses of the subjunctive tense ...
> plus my humanly subjective
> interpretations of an image (nearly 3D at 36 looks per 8-bit pixel)
TOM: He's developed serial peeper technology!
CROW: It's just an ASCII art calendar of Snoopy.
> closeup look-see at what can be reviewed as every bit as most likely
> artificial,
JOEL: Venus is dyeing her hair?
> as otherwise nicely surrounded by whatever else is
> supposedly so freaking hot and nasty about Venus
CROW: Like her bratty kids and obnoxious dog.
> (whereas hot being
> almost entirely in reference to geological/geothermal heat since so
> little solar energy ever migrates into the surface).
JOEL: Um ... you're dangling participles there, Brad.
TOM: He's dangling *everything* there.
> Of course, this
> information as having been deductively obtained from my
> observationology
CROW: Brad's a certified expert in observationologicalizationalizing.
> perspective is now nearly 6 years old,
JOEL: Obervationologicalisms are so cute at that age.
> whereas I'd
> informed our NASA
CROW: Oh, now it's 'our' NASA? It was 'your' NASA when you promised
you'd feed and walk and clean up after it.
> as to sharing my SWAG (scientific wild [ bleep ]
> guess) upon a few specific items of interest,
TOM: They were most interested in the chance at saving up to fifteen
percent by switching to Geico.
> as having been so
> nicely imaged by way of their Magellan mission,
CROW: They're not bad observationologicalisticalizers themselves.
> as to my sharing upon
> exactly what was worth taking a second unbiased review upon whatever
> Venus has to offer.
TOM: I called dibs on the chewy caramel inside.
> Silly me for thinking outside the box,
CROW: Or on top of spaghetti.
> much less
> upon anything the least bit positive or in my expecting something
> other of productive considerations
TOM: Does he mean money?
> as would have come by way of our
> nay-say (nondisclosure) folks at NASA,
JOEL: They say nay-say, we say, yes-way.
> that which apparently still
> had a good cash of way more than their fair share of "the right
> stuff",
CROW: Space rant mention of ``The Right Stuff'', check.
> rather than having to risk dealing with anything as having to
> do with our moon nor Venus
JOEL: Wait, what's the moon got to do with this?
TOM: Joel, have you not been observationalicologizing the same thing
as the rest of us?
> regardless of whatever science and
> discovery potential may have been previously overlooked or simply
> underestimated, thus unappreciated.
JOEL: Okay, I'll give five dollars to the first person who can diagram
that sentence correctly.
>
> BTW; I've included "news.admin.censorship"
CROW: I want to be censored. Daily. By Barbara Feldon.
> in order to minimise
> topic/author stalking, topic diversions into unrelated forums
JOEL: Well, sure, I can see how that ... huh?
> and MOS
> spermware attacks upon my PC.
ALL: AAAAH!
TOM: GAH!
CROW: Don't DO that!
JOEL: Hey, these are young bots!
CROW: I always thought MOS was more into serving chicken burgers with
rice patty buns and smiley suns and stuff.
> The previous topic of "What's so HOT
> and NASTY about Venus?"
TOM: Previous?
CROW: Did we fall into a time vortex?
JOEL: We'll need more careful observationaligisticalication to be sure.
> http://groups.google.com/group/
JOEL: googles/com/ ...
TOM: group/google/coms/ ...
> sci.space.history/browse_frm/
CROW: Browse Ferret.
> thread/
> 7a7cab487beb942d/a7f016c63e03207b?
ALL: o/`It's the most remarkable word I've ever seen! o/`
> lnk=st&q=brad+guth&rnum=8&hl=en#
> a7f016c63e03207b
JOEL: Queen to Queen's level three.
> offers good info at least from myself but, otherwise
> having been quite thoroughly hammered by those encharge
TOM: Encharge!
CROW: Guard! Turn!
JOEL: Parry! Dodge! Spin! Ha!
> of keeping
> our perpetrated cold-war(s) and space-race lids on tight, thus giving
> need for a fresh topic reset. ~
JOEL: This is all going to tie in to the Legion of Superheroes
at some point.
>
> Life on Venus, Township w/Bridge
CROW: A Venusian haiku.
TOM: Venerian. Respect the genitive declension!
CROW: Joel, make him stop.
> and ET/UFO Park-n-Ride Tarmac:
TOM: And the Ferris Wheel to Jupiter!
> http://guthvenus.tripod.com/gv-town.htm
> The Russian/China LSE-CM/ISS
JOEL: And write in `pizza' where it says `machine gun'.
> (Lunar Space Elevator)
CROW: With Bubble Puppy, tonight in concert.
> http://guthvenus.tripod.com/lunar-space-elevator.htm Venus ETs, plus
TOM: Neptunian Encounters of the Third Kind.
> the updated sub-topics; Brad Guth / GASA-IEIS
JOEL: Well, try some Chlorets.
> http://guthvenus.tripod.com/gv-topics.htm
> "In war there are no rules" -
CROW: Not even in tactical field backgammon.
> Brad Guth
TOM: He certainly did.
CROW: Let's blow this popsicle stand.
[ ALL exit. ]
[ 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.. 6.. ]
[ SATELLITE OF LOVE DESK. JOEL is sitting down, head on his hands
on the desk, and he's wet. TOM and CROW are by his side,
holding water guns, squirting his face and hair regularly. The
scene holds, JOEL getting progressively damper, for as long as
possible. ]
GYPSY: [ Leaning into view ] Remember to keep your humans moist.
This message brought to you by the Church of Latter-Day Venus.
[ TOM and CROW squirt one last time. ]
JOEL: What do you think, sirs?
[ DEEP 13. DR FORRESTER and TV's FRANK are both on the couch, holding
half-eaten TV lunches, watching TV. DR FORRESTER groans still;
TV's FRANK is chipper as ever. ]
FRANK: Want more of the macaroni and cheese made from slightly sour milk
and that gnarly little half-pat of butter meal?
DR F: [ Whimpers ]
FRANK: Right-O, pushing the button, boss.
[ TV's FRANK reaches over and ... ]
\ | /
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----O----
/|\
/ | \
/ | \
/ | \
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and the characters and situations
therein are the property of Best Brains, Inc, and are used while they
aren't looking. The essay ``What's actually HOT and NASTY about Venus?''
is the property of Brad Guth. This MiSTing as a whole is the property
of Joseph Nebus, who intends no ill-will towards Brad Guth, Best Brains,
Mystery Science Theater 3000, Arthur Claude Munyan, or the Swanson
corporation. The tennis net does not appear until the 17th century.
Up until that time a rope, either fringed or tasseled, was stretched
across the court. This probably had to be abandoned because it was so
easy to crawl under it and chase your opponent. Come back, Dr Mike
Neylon!
> BTW; I've included "news.admin.censorship" in order to minimise
> topic/author stalking, topic diversions into unrelated forums and MOS
> spermware attacks upon my PC.
Bruce Probst
<snip>
I liked it.
I have to admit, however, that I didn't understand a word of the
original post that was being riffed. It's not enough to merely use
words found in English; they have to be strung together using English
grammar, and ideally in such a way that one point logically leads to
the next.
Or, to put it another way, Brad Guth is probably a fruitcake. I only
say "probably" because there's a possibility that I might actually
agree with his post, but first someone would have to translate it into
a language used by humans before I could say for sure.
As it is, I imagine that it was something of a challenge to riff.
Nicely done, Joseph!
Bruce
Melbourne, Australia
Brad Guth
news:nebusj.1...@vcmr-86.server.rpi.edu
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and the characters and situations
> therein are the property of Best Brains, Inc, and are used while they
> aren't looking. The essay ``What's actually HOT and NASTY about Venus?''
> is the property of Brad Guth. This MiSTing as a whole is the property
> of Joseph Nebus, who intends no ill-will towards Brad Guth, Best Brains,
> Mystery Science Theater 3000, Arthur Claude Munyan, or the Swanson
> corporation. The tennis net does not appear until the 17th century.
> Up until that time a rope, either fringed or tasseled, was stretched
> across the court. This probably had to be abandoned because it was so
> easy to crawl under it and chase your opponent. Come back, Dr Mike
> Neylon!
I'll have to bite; what pray tell are we doing with our somewhat newish
Venus, that which so happens to have other intelligent life
existing/coexisting upon it's geothermally toasty surface, and how about
that of it's nearest dumbfounded planet of mostly village idiots as
being Earth, as somehow portrayed within your "Mystery Science Theater
3000"?
Where's the mystery?
Isn't it more of a discovery?
-
Brad Guth
--
Posted via Mailgate.ORG Server - http://www.Mailgate.ORG
Brad Guth
news:1162179211.2...@m7g2000cwm.googlegroups.com
> I have to admit, however, that I didn't understand a word of the
> original post that was being riffed. It's not enough to merely use
> words found in English; they have to be strung together using English
> grammar, and ideally in such a way that one point logically leads to
> the next.
So what you're saying is that you can't manage a little dyslexic
encryption with a mix of humor, or is it simply too much of the truth
that has you miffed?
> Or, to put it another way, Brad Guth is probably a fruitcake. I only
> say "probably" because there's a possibility that I might actually
> agree with his post, but first someone would have to translate it into
> a language used by humans before I could say for sure.
Obviously you've had years in which to constructively contribute and/or
to merely ask specific questions. So what exactly is your problem?
Joseph Nebus
>Joseph Nebus wrote:
><snip>
>I liked it.
Aw, thank you.
>Or, to put it another way, Brad Guth is probably a fruitcake. I only
>say "probably" because there's a possibility that I might actually
>agree with his post, but first someone would have to translate it into
>a language used by humans before I could say for sure.
Well, he's kind of famous in sci.space.history for an incident
of being able to tell a picture of Venus apart from one of Mars on the
second try. It makes for compelling reading.
>As it is, I imagine that it was something of a challenge to riff.
>Nicely done, Joseph!
Actually, a great deal of fun. Thank you.
--
Joseph Nebus
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bruce Probst
> So what you're saying is that you can't manage a little dyslexic
> encryption with a mix of humor, or is it simply too much of the truth
> that has you miffed?
Um ... about a quarter to eight?
Bruce
Brad Guth
news:nebusj.1...@vcmr-86.server.rpi.edu
> Well, he's kind of famous in sci.space.history for an incident
> of being able to tell a picture of Venus apart from one of Mars on the
> second try. It makes for compelling reading.
I'm terribly sorry, as I'd thought that I was communicationg with
something other than another pair of infomercial spewing butt-cheeks.
Sorry, my fault for thinking there's actual hope for humanity.
What the hell are you too fools on that big old hill of your's talking
about. Are the two of you actually that dumb and dumber, as in
dumbfounded?
Doesn't the little matter of other intelligent life as having
existed/coexisted on Venus mean anything? (apparently not)
Do you folks not believe in the regular laws of physics? Is real
science that's sufficiently replicated still taboo/nondisclosure?