MiSTed: Stolen Memories (7/29)
Rottweiler
> "Alis ... What's wrong, what did I do?"
MIKE: The Dew.
> She just looked at him and slowly the sheer terror
> was replaced with sadness.
TOM: As she realized she'd been having sex with a complete loser.
> "It wasn't what you did, it was someone else did to
> me, before you ever set foot on this world." She responded,
> then shocked him speechless by telling him
CROW: A bedtime story.
> of her first
> terrifying sexual experience.
MIKE: (Alis) It all started at the Kennedy compound...
> He cried for her and with her as she recounted the
> horrifying tale.
TOM: I'm sure we'd be sympathetic if we knew anything about it other
than
the fact that it was "terrifying".
MIKE: And the fact that Julian is crying doesn't increase the impact of
the
scene. Julian probably cries when he misses _Sesame Street_.
> Suddenly he understood her need to dominate
> in love play, why she was always on top,
CROW: (singing) You're on the top - You're gonna win! You're gonna
wiiiin!
> in control.
TOM: She's the boss. The Big Cheese. The Big Kahuna.
> He
> wanted to take her in his arms and comfort her telling her
> everything would be alright. That he would let her dominate
> him in that one area.
MIKE: (Julian) It's all right Alis, I'll let you dominate my arms.
> It was absolutely fine with him, he
> thoroughly enjoyed their love making and had no problems
> with how things had been progressing so far.
CROW: Julian's really open-minded, isn't he?
MIKE: Maybe that's why his brain fell out.
> They talked for an hour,
TOM: (Woody Allen) It was amazing. After an hour, I wanted to marry
her.
And after two hours, I completely forgot about
stealing
her purse.
> she of her experience, and
> other problems with 'mates',
MIKE: Didn't we establish that she had only ONE mate before Julian?
> he of his desire to be
> everything she needed him to be in that area.
CROW: He also told her of his passion for miniature golf.
> They ended
> with an agreement about how things would stand in the bed
> chamber.
TOM: (Alis, singing) If you wanna be my lova, you gotta...
MIKE and CROW: AAAAAAAAARGH!!!
> She the dominate, he the submissive, but outside
> it, they would be equals.
MIKE: Oh, that'll last five minutes.
> Testing her power over him in the bed chamber she
> moved back to lounge on the pillows and indicated the
> forgotten puddle of black silk on the bed with her long
> and extremely manoeuvrable tail.
CROW: Which was more like a spider monkey's than a cat's.
> "Remove your clothing.. *slowly* and put that on,
> Consort," She purred in a command tone.
TOM: There was a _Friends_ episode like this.
> Julian willingly obliged her by obeying and she sank
CROW: The Bismarck.
> back on the pillows to watch his provocative strip tease.
MIKE: That movie was provocative?
> He
> took his time slowly pulling his arms out of his sleeves and
> let his shirt slide off his body to puddle around his legs,
TOM: (singing) I'm too gawky, too gawky for my shirt...
> then with a smile he stood and swayed on the bed to pop the
> seal on his trousers.
MIKE: What's with all this "pop the seal" business? Does everyone wear
Tupperware in the 24th century?.
CROW: Don't dis Tupperware, man.
> Her smile turned lustful as he let the
> trousers fall to the bed and pulled his feet free, leaving
> him clad only in his
CROW: Barbie underpants.
> briefs, socks and boots.
MIKE: Shirt, trousers, socks and boots... so Julian is either a
Brownshirt
or a Duke boy.
> "I hope that you'll do this for me sometime," he
> commented as he sat down and extended a leg out to her.
TOM: Dhalsim!
> She obliged him by pulling off his boot and tossing
> it negligently across the room.
CROW: (singing) These boots are made for mincing and that's just what
they're gonna do...
> Then she slowly pulled off
> his sock and tossed that to give his tender tootsies a
> tickle.
MIKE: Tut, tut - tickling tender tootsies.
TOM: Teasing and torturing the Terran tot.
CROW: Taking time to tantalize his tuber-like toes.
> He shrieked with laughter and pulled his leg away
> to offer her that other as he caught his breath. The whole
> procedure was repeated.
MIKE: (Alis) Now you can't do that annoying Michael Flatley impression!
> Then she waved her hand at him
> languidly.
TOM: (Alis, dully) Hi.
> "And the rest."
ALL: (singing) Here on Gilligan's Isle!
> Julian stood again to peel off his briefs and
MIKE: A woman screamed.
> sent
> them to join his footwear,
CROW: In holy matrimony.
> then simply stood where he was
> naked as the day he was born letting her run her eyes over
> him.
TOM: He's imitating every Robert A. Heinlein character.
> Her hand moved in a languid circle, indicating she
> wanted him to turn around.
CROW: (singing) Turn around, turn around,
It's a human skull on the ground...
> He obliged her by slowly
> turning.
MIKE: --into SUPER JULIAN!
> She smiled.
TOM: (Alis) Cool! He's a remote-control wuss!
> "I've always been to busy with... other things to
> notice how pleasing your body is to the eyes."
CROW: (Groundskeeper Willy) THAT'S not what ya said the first time ya
saw
me!
> Julian turned back to face her with a smile.
MIKE: Submission with a smile.
> "Your's is very pleasing to mine, Princessa."
TOM: Julian hangs out a lot on alt.alien.sexkittens.
> He told
> her as he reached down to pick up the last of his clothes,
> first he tossed the shirt,
CROW: The Full Monty 2 - The Full Moron.
> then he reached into his pants
> pockets to pull out a silver foil packet before sending the
> pants to the floor.
MIKE: (Julian) I'm thirsty. Time to drink a Capri Sun!
> "What is that?"
TOM: (Julian) A brownie in statis foil. Wanna share it with me?
> "This is something my father insisted I use, for your
> sake and mine.
CROW: _Men In Black_'s Neuralizer.
> I should have been using them from the start,
MIKE: Yeah, now he's at risk of catching cat scratch fever.
> but.. I didn't think I'd need them, and after we became
> lovers, collecting them from my room was the last thing on
> my mind."
CROW: The only thing on Julian's mind is the rabbits he wants George to
tell him about.
> "You have one now," she pointed out.
TOM: (Julian) Yeah, I figured they weren't necessary during casual sex,
but
now that we're planning to have children...
> "I have half a dozen in my pocket..
MIKE: Terrific. This loser gets lucky six times in a night, and I can't
get a date.
> Dad caught me
> leaving my room and asked if I had them... Just in case,
> he said."
> "Does he know..?"
CROW: ...the way to San Jose?
> "I didn't tell him.. I'm not sure how he'd take it.
TOM: Here's a wild guess: he'll laugh.
> I
> just know that so long as I practice safe lovemaking with
> you, he won't go through the roof about it when he does
> find out."
MIKE: Instead, he'll come through the wall and join them.
> "*Safe*, love making?"
TOM: (Julian) Yeah, we have to slide to home plate before having sex.
It's
part of the "bases" metaphor.
> "There are..things called STD's
CROW: Stone Temple Drivers?
> that people can spread
> to other people when they have sex.
MIKE: Madonna's book?
> They can make people
> sick, this prevents that happening,"
CROW: So, let's recap. Two species from different planets can give each
other diseases. Never mind that, biologically, Julian has
infinitely
more in common with a jellyfish.
TOM: Let us also realize that even if there were a REMOTE possibility of
catching an STD, Julian would already be infected. So it's
basically
like putting on your seat belt after you crash your car.
> he said, without
> explaining further, he was sure she wouldn't appreciate the
> birth control part of the explanation.
TOM: And she's too stupid to realize that they'll keep his sperm away
from
her ova.
> He ripped open the packet with his teeth
MIKE: Sheesh. It's the 24th Century and they're still unopenable.
> and extracted
> the flesh coloured sheath inside, discarding the packet.
TOM: As if it wasn't enough that he had unprotected sex with a cat, he's
a
litterbug, too!
CROW: Now a Native American is going to show up and start crying.
> He
> was about to make use of it, when it occurred to him, it
> might be very enjoyable to have her put it on for him.
MIKE: You guys get the feeling Alis is gonna be picking out Julian's
clothes for him before too long?
BOTS: Oh yeah.
> He
> smiled at her and then made a come here gesture.
TOM: (Scorpion) Get over here!
> Curious she moved to kneel before him.
CROW: Then she kissed his ring and started calling him "Your Holiness".
> He showed her
> the sheath, explaining how it was supposed to be applied.
MIKE: (Julian) I know it looks uncomfortable, but dad swears you have to
attach it with a staple gun.
> She listened intently then took it from him and followed
> his instructions to the letter.
TOM: She put it over his head and he did his Howie Mandel impression.
> His head dropped back and
> he drew in a deep breath in pleasure as her fingers moved
> over his manhood drawing the sheath into place.
CROW: Mike, I know that I'm just a robot, with no genitalia of any sort,
but I'm kinda curious here. Does anyone actually refer to that as
their manhood in real life?
MIKE: Only William F. Buckley.
> She looked
> up at him then continued until she was sure she'd followed
> all his instructions to the letter, then curious she ran
> her fingers along the sheath covered shaft.
TOM: Unfortunately, being covered by a condom really made Shaft angry,
so
he shot them. The end.
> He reacted wonderfully.
CROW: To the thorazine.
> Assured the sheath wouldn't
> spoil any of his pleasure she moved back to kneel, sitting
> back on her heels just out of his arms reach.
MIKE: Tragically, Julian was born with arms that were only six inches
long.
> He let out a
> deep shuddering breath as she looked at him.
TOM: (Alis) Are you having a spazz attack?
> She picked up
> the robe and held it out.
CROW: (Alis) Put this in the hamper, Consort.
> He took it and put it on enjoying
> the feeling of the soft silk caressing his skin.
TOM: Then Alis grabbed Julian's clothes and ran out of the room,
laughing.
Julian was now faced with trying to get to his room wearing nothing
but women's clothing.
MIKE: Uh, Tom?
TOM: That's what happened in the _Friends_ episode.
> Alis made a 'kneel before me' gesture.
MIKE: Kal-El, son of Jor-El, you WILL bow before me!
> Bashir kneeled
> and started sitting back on his heels - Alis held up a hand.
CROW: (Alis) All right? S'all right.
> "No, consort.
CROW: (Alis) We are going to the opera instead.
(MIKE and TOM groan)
> I have been learning what pleases you to
> assure that you would be so lost in your pleasure that you
> wouldn't harm me.
TOM: Stop, or I'll harm you!
> It is time for you to do the pleasing,"
> she announced.
MIKE: (Mae West) Doctor, peel me a grape, oh!
> Bashir considered it.
TOM: What, is he hoping for a better offer?
> "What do you want me to do?"
CROW: (Julian) I slave all day so that you don't have to lift a finger
and
it's still not enough for you! What do you want from
me?!?
> "Anything you want short of anything violent and
> actual penetration."
TOM: Well, I guess bringing over the Dallas Cowboys to join them is out
of
the question then.
> Sometimes Julian wished she wasn't so graphic. That
> she'd learn to use more romantic terms, as he had.
MIKE: Yeah, terms from _Party at Kitty and Stud's_ are much more
romantic
than the ones in the dictionary.
> He took
> a deep breath and considered his options.
TOM: (Julian) If I jump that checker, she'll be able to get a king...
> He knew that
> anything that involved her being placed in the subservient
> position was
MIKE: Fun.
> out. He wasn't into violence and the only thing
> he could really think about that he really wanted to do,
> she'd said was out to.
CROW: (Julian) She won't play Monopoly with me! Waaaah!
> What to do?
MIKE: How about strip Magic: The Gathering?
> Doing something he'd
> already done didn't seem quite right.
CROW: So wearing his chicken suit to bed was out.
TOM: That was on a _Mork and Mindy_ episode.
> She obviously wanted
> him to come up with something new to do the way she had
> been doing over the last week as she learned what made him
> go wild with ecstasy.
MIKE: (singing) Wild thing, you make my heart sing...
> After thinking about it for quite some time it came to
> him.
> "Lie back, against the pillows the way you were before."
TOM: (Julian) And I'll draw a hilarious caricature of you. Tell me, do
you
play any sports? Tennis, maybe? I'm really good at
drawing
tennis courts.
> She looked at him for a pause and then moved to the pillows
> to lounge there.
CROW: I guess she thinks Julian is going to do a lounge act.
> He followed her and kneeled beside her to
> start laying soft kisses all over her face.
MIKE: While laying hard kisses all over her elbows.
> "I (kiss) am (kiss)
TOM: Kirok!
CROW: My own grandpa!
MIKE: The Last Dragon!
TOM: The Last Son of Krypton!
CROW: The terror that flaps in the night!
MIKE: The very model of a modern Major General!
> going (kiss) to (kiss) kiss (kiss)
CROW: Bang (bang) bang.
> you (kiss) all (kiss) over.
MIKE: (singing) 'til the night closes in-n-n-n...
> (Kiss) From (kiss) head (kiss)
> to (kiss) toe," he announced.
TOM: (singing) From head to toe...
> And he did, planting soft little kisses from her head
> to her toes, giving the most attention to her mouth and her
> breasts along the way.
CROW: THAT must have taken a while...
> When he reached her feet and started
> kissing them, she squirmed shifting her feet, legs parting
> as she tried to draw her foot away, being very ticklish
> there.
MIKE: Yes, her bunions are very tender.
> Julian took the opportunity to move between her legs
> and planted kisses on the only place he hadn't kissed so
> far.
CROW: Her left thumb.
> What he liked to call her pleasure place,
TOM: Since calling it her pussy would cause too much confusion.
> because he
> got the most pleasure when he was in it.
MIKE: Even more than when he watched _Battlestar Galactica_?
CROW: (Alis) It's always about you, isn't it? What about my needs?
> Alis sucked in a breath.
TOM: Well, the first two words are accurate.
> Julian looked up with a
> mischievous little grin, thinking back to all the times
> she'd kissed his genitals,
MIKE: He kisses her on the strikes, and she kisses him on the balls.
> then he proceeded to lavish her
> pleasure place with kisses, soft kisses, hard kisses, deep
> kisses.
CROW: (singing) Kisses sweeter than wine.
> She squirmed and writhed, her breath coming faster
> with each passing moment, purring as he grew more
> emboldened and began to stoke her nether lips with his
> tongue tasting her.
TOM: (singing) This is the best of it, forget the rest of it.
Just for the taste of it, Diet Coke.
> Her fur tickled his face and nose making him want to
> sneeze. He reared back sucking in a deep breath and fought
CROW: The British in the War of 1812.
> to control it.
MIKE: He really shouldn't be having sex when he has a cold.
> Alis looked disappointed. He sneezed then
> gave her an apologetic look.
TOM: That sounds vaguely like a Haiku.
> "Sorry..It tickled my nose.." He said in way of
> explanation.
CROW: After all this time, he realizes he's allergic to cats.
> She forgave him when he bowed over her to start
> kissing her again - but he had new plans now.
MIKE: He was going to go on tour with Night Ranger.
> He started
> trailing kisses and nibbles from her pleasure place and up
> her midriff while his hands drifted over her legs. He
> inched forward between her legs slowly as he progressed up
> her body then reached her breasts.
TOM: That wasn't a long trip though. Being a cat-like being, Alis
probably
has four or five pairs of them.
> As his mouth found her
> passion swollen breasts and began to suckle there
CROW: Got milk?
> his hands
> reached her pleasure place and he began to explore it with
> his fingers.
MIKE: I claim this land for Spain!
TOM: _Stolen Memories_, starring Johnny Carson and Zsa-Zsa Gabor.
> When she bucked under him sucking in a deep breath,
> he knew he'd found her most sensitive spot and paid it great
> attention,
MIKE: Actually, she was just using her inhaler.
> the way she'd paid great attention to the jewels
> of his manhood when she'd discovered caressing them could
> drive him to greater heights of passion.
TOM: Why do I feel like I'm trapped in a bad Harelquin romance?
MIKE: You mean there are good ones?
> She squirmed and
> writhed under him and he felt the heat in her pleasure place
> rise as her pulse really started racing, then he got the
> reaction he was waiting for.
CROW: A spit take.
> A hand drifted away to her buttocks
CROW: Which were under a big W.
> and he began
> trailing kisses up her chest to her throat, along her jaw
> and face till he reached her mouth.
TOM: He's going to have to pick a lot of hairs out of his teeth tonight.
> She brought her hands
> to his head and kissed him back as passionately as he
> kissed her.
MIKE: She gave him a peck on the cheek.
> Alis gasped her eyes snapping open as guided
> himself to her pleasure place and buried his
CROW: Stolen treasure, mateys! Ar!
> manhood deep
> within in a single thrust.
TOM: This won't hurt at all, ma'am. You'll just feel a little prick.
> He didn't move, he just looked in her eyes waiting.
> She'd just now realised he was definitely in the dominant
> position.
MIKE: Or the missionary position.
> He slipped his tongue in her mouth to explore it,
> running it over the roof of her mouth.
CROW: He then gave her an estimate on reshingling.
> Her eyes, wide
> already, widened further.
TOM: She's morphing into one of those Keane "big eye" paintings.
> This was a form of kissing he
> hadn't been bold enough to show her, until that moment.
CROW: That was also the perfect time to show her his bold barbecue
sauce.
MIKE: So, she's had sex before, but the idea of a French kiss is too
daring
to show her, until now?
> As her eyes fluttered closed and she returned the
> kiss in an exploratory manner he moved, withdrawing almost
> all the way from her pleasure place.
TOM: This sounds less like a sex scene than a military strategy.
CROW: Say, isn't "Pleasure Place" the name they use for those
playgrounds
at McDonalds?
> He broke off the kiss taking a deep breath and in a
> voice husky with passion told her,
ALL: "Woof!"
> "Show me what you want
> me to do." Then he kissed her again, the same way,
MIKE: (Alis) Well, first I'd like you to--MMF!
> as he
> thrust back deep into her. She responded by wrapping her
> legs and arms around him, not to mention an increase in
> the volume of her purring.
TOM: Looks like the catnip is kicking in.
> She showed him exactly what she wanted with her mouth
> and hands.
CROW: She wanted a new scratching post.
> He lost himself in the sensations, rational
> thought fled,
MIKE: Actually, I think that happened some time ago.
CROW: Like the beginning of this story!
> leaving only one behind
TOM: And what a behind it was!
> - that he please her.
> And so he did.
MIKE: Well, you could have just said that then and deleted most of the
last
few pages!
(TOM hovers onto MIKE's lap. MIKE picks up TOM and ALL leave the
theater.)
[Planet Bumper]