MiSTed: "Daily Messages From God, March 17-18, 1997"
Ripco Com
MESMESMESMESMESMESMESMESMESMESMESMESMESMESMESMESMESMESMESMESMESMESMESMESME
S
M Hi. I'm Matt Stanislawski. This is my fourth (4) MiSTing, and I've
M
E been doing this for about a year now. My previous ones have been "the
E
S ROOM"; "Need Cash to Pay Off Your Debts? READ ON!!!"; and "Head Like
S
| A Hole." So, here comes posting M04--I've started my own numbering
|
M system!--Here goes!
M
E Chronological Note: I finally caught up with reality, and did a Pearl-
E
S era epidsode. It takes place after episode 814, "Riding With Death."
S
MESMESMESMESMESMESMESMESMESMESMESMESMESMESMESMESMESMESMESMESMESMESMESMESME
S
[Opening Credits]
[Doors-1234567]
[On the SoL]
[Mike and the 'bots are looking over stacks of crates, all marked with
names of various food products.]
MIKE: Hi everyone. I'm Mike Nelson here on the Satellite Of Love, where
Crow, Tom Servo, and Gypsy have reminded me of the escape of the
previous occupant of the satellite. You see, the guy--I forget his
name--used an escape pod he found in a crate of Hamdingers to return
to Earth. So, I had everybody pull out all the crates they could
find, and help me look through them. Well, how are you guys doing?
CROW: We've looked through about half of them; so far, no dice.
MIKE: Bummer. Well, let's keep looking, and if we get lucky, we can all
go home together. [Servo comes up behind Mike] Yeah, it'd be nice
to go home...[trails off]
TOM: Mike? Mike?
MIKE: See the family...
TOM: Do I have to get Crow to bite you again?
MIKE: Wha-?
TOM: Gypsy just, uh, clued me in on a detail we overlooked.
MIKE: What's that? [Crow gasps, as if he is having a revelation]
TOM: Your family is dead. It's been five-hundred-odd years since you last
saw them.
GYPSY: Everyone you love is long gone.
MIKE: Oh...yeah...I forgot.
CROW: And you destroyed the only three planets known to us in the galaxy.
MIKE: Oh, yeah...forgot about that...
GYPSY: And I don't think you would be willing to wander through space
with face huggers, warlike robots, omnipotent children, and evil
pod
aliens that look like zucchinis and throwpillows...
TOM: And besides, Pearl would probably have the Observer pull you back
here with his mind, or something.
MIKE: Yeah, she'd probably do that...You know what? This bites!
GYPSY: I hear ya'.
BOTS: Yeah, really.
MIKE: Oh, well, we'll always have each other. [Bots snicker--Light
flashes]
Hey, Sweet Pea's calling.
[Rocketship]
PEARL: Ah, Nelstone, good afternoon...or whatever time it is; you never
can
tell in space. Well, anyway, after regaining control of the
Evilmobile, I was talking with the brainmeister here,
[Observer nods, waves to camera] and he told me that, when he
was surfing the 'net with his mind, he came across a couple of
putrid little articles from alt.christnet.hypocrisy called "daily
messages from God"...geez, apparently the author's pretty
pretentious...either that, or it's the big G himself...either way,
you're gonna' have to read 'em.
[SoL]
MIKE: Messages from God? Guys, you'd better put on your sunday best.
[Lights flash] Oh, we've got USENET SIGN!!!
[Doors-1234567]
[Mike plops Servo down in his seat and sits. Crow follows.]
>From gail.ripco.com!
TOM: Oh, hi, Gail.
MIKE: It's the teacher from 'Peanuts'!
TOM: Wah-wah-wah-wah, wah-wah-wah...
CROW: Yes, ma'am.
>news-chi-8.sprintlink.net!news-pull.
TOM: Get down and dirty with the News-Pull.
>sprintlink.net!news.sprintlink.net!news-dc-9.sprintlink.net!
>news.maxwell.syr.edu!
CROW: Hey, it's Silver Hammer University.
TOM: Hmm...News-Hub...Sounds nicer than News-Pull...
MIKE: Hey, it's the Best Brains' New Planet. I heard they were working
on one.
CROW: We should look for it.
MIKE: You've just been slammed by MCI.
TOM: The Net-home of Godstuff.
>news Thu Mar 27 00:07:
CROW: This just in: Neville Chamberlain and Cleopatra delcare war on the
Planet of the Apes.
>Path: gail.ripco.com!news.wwa.com!news-chi-8.sprintlink.net!
>news-pull.sprintlink.net!news.sprintlink.net!news-dc-9.sprintlink.net!
>news.maxwell.syr.edu!cpk-news-hub1.bbnplanet.com!news.bbnplanet.com!
>newsfeed.internetmci.com!news.jb.com!news
MIKE: [singing Wrigley's Doublemint song] Double double your refreshment!
>From: Dick & Chris Williams <cwil...@wizzards.net>
TOM: Longtime companions in Christ.
>Newsgroups: alt.christnet.hypocrisy
MIKE: That's where I'd put that last comment, Servo.
>Subject: "Hallow The Inner Being"
CROW: [British accent] Woy, 'allow, inner being!
>Date: Wed, 19 Mar 1997 16:03:32 -0800
MIKE: Those were the days...
>Organization: Internet Access Services
TOM: Another name for "anonymous," perhaps?
>Lines: 58
CROW: Short!
MIKE: There's two.
CROW: Damn!
>Message-ID:
MIKE: Stand by for retina scan.
TOM: The cyber-home of Gheorghe Murehsan.
>Reply-To: cwil...@wizzards.net
CROW: He puts the 'wizz' in 'wizzards.'
>NNTP-Posting-Host: pm20.wizzards.net
MIKE: Does the fact that this is run by a six-year-old obsessed with
bodily functions explain the use of two Zs in 'wizzards'?
>Mime-Version: 1.0
TOM: Oh, where's an automatic assault weapon when you need one?
>Content-Type:
MIKE: Dirty.
>text/plain; charset=us-ascii
>Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit
>X-Mailer: Mozilla 3.01C-KIT (Win95; U)
TOM: X-Mailer: The New Action Hero.
>Xref: gail.ripco.com alt.christnet.hypocrisy:17380
CROW: My, my. That's a wierd smiley.
>[If you would care to subscribe to our free daily messages from God,
MIKE: Send twenty dollars to the address below.
>please see below. God has been writing through me
ALL: Ewww!
CROW: That oughtta' hurt.
>since 1988; we began to publish on Internet
TOM: Me publish on internet. You read message. You send money.
MIKE: Proving that even God needs an editor.
>in March of 1996.]
CROW: Surge in flames sent to my address appeared days later.
>March 17, 1997; "Hallow The Inner Being"
>
>Mine (*)hallow (emanate from and are the expression of God in) the inner
>Being,
MIKE: Wanna' run that by me again?
>in order to be filled with Me, their Lord.
TOM: Hmmm. Shouldn't this be on alt.sex.stories?
>You begin anew with/by receiving Me/My Spirit
CROW: Oh me/oh my.
>within the cavity; your cavity.
MIKE: This is pretty graphic!
TOM: The Seventh Day: The Terrible Truth.
>Sincere acceptance of My new Being in you,
CROW: Congratulations. You've been knocked up by the Lord, our god.
>and recognition
MIKE: Reluctant recognition...
>of this new spiritual Life is the beginning of your newness;
CROW: Newness?!
TOM: Did we just walk into a Bible/Tick crossover?
>the beginning of your walk into eternity, saith the Lord.
ALL: [singing] A three hour tour...
>Just as I was born of a human and the Holy Spirit, so are you.
MIKE: It's not on your birth certificate, but trust me on this one.
>You are the human;
TOM: [Agitated] Aren't you?
>and the Holy Spirit in combination with you,
CROW: Fizzes violently.
>creates a new Being; both human and (*)divine
MIKE: *divinity not included.
>(God; set apart) in spirit Amen Amen and again Amen.
CROW: OVERLOAD!
TOM: The foam goes straight to your brain.
>Mary was asked, agreed and received My Spirit,
MIKE: Of course she was really an undercover cop, and God got busted.
>the Spirit of God; and thus a new Life was created in her.
CROW: Wow. God's quite a player.
>So it is with you; you are not forced to receive NEW ETERNAL Life,
TOM: But if you DO NOT receive NEW ETERNAL Life, you will be shot.
CROW: So saith the Lord.
>by receiving My Spirit which is My gift, saith the Lord;
MIKE: Yeah. God just goes around thinking he's His gift to women.
>but you are indeed foolish if you refuse.
TOM: Well, it's official. The first stone has been cast.
>Many who claim to have received My gift
CROW: Didn't even invite me to their birthday party.
>are failing because they have not received the fullness of My
>gift -
MIKE: The Holy Cliffs Notes.
>the Holy Spirit.
>My Spirit and I are one LIFE FORCE;
CROW: From KONAMI.
>we are the eternal Life promised.
MIKE: Yeah--kind of a letdown, aren't we?
>As a good parent/mother receives the birth of their/her child
TOM: Wow. He's pretty gender-inclusive as to who can give birth.
>(the new life given),
CROW: Bad parents just get coal.
>so must you receive Me as a child - given.
MIKE: [Woman] Here. Take him. He's SO obnoxious!
>Nurture Me, protect Me and most of all Love Me with all your heart,
TOM: God: The Story Of A Codependent.
>that I might grow within you and completely consume you
MIKE: Is this some Nine Inch Nails song I've never heard?
>Amen Amen and again Amen.
CROW: Nurse! Get this man a sedative!
>************
MIKE: Also known as Plastic Jesus.
TOM: Excuse me?
CROW: No, that had seven stars.
MIKE: Oh yeah.
TOM: What are you guys talking about?
MIKE: Sorry, Tom. You're just not a Flaming Lips fan.
TOM: Whatever.
>DEFINITIONS: (American Heritage Dictionary)
CROW: American Heritage Dictionary--noun. Book that gives spelling,
pronunciation--
MIKE: That's enough. We get it.
>DIVINE: Being or having the nature of a deity (god); of, relating to,
>emanating from, or being the expression of a deity; Heavenly; holy.
TOM: Holy heavenly, Batman!
>[Latin - god]
MIKE: Latin, god. God, Latin.
>HALLOW: To make of set apart as holy;
CROW: Grammar police. Licence and registration, please.
TOM: But the 'r' key is so close to the 'f' key.
CROW: Well, I'll let you off with a warning this time. But in the
meantime,
buy a grammar checker.
TOM: Yes, officer.
>sanctify; consecrate.
MIKE: Will do!
>-------
CROW: [counting quietly] six, seven...[normal] If only those were stars.
TOM: Oh, THAT again.
>TO SUBSCRIBE:
>Send an e-mail to h...@xc.org
TOM: O.R.G. [chuckle] I just love that extension.
MIKE: That's sick.
>DO NOT WRITE anything in the e-mail SUBJECT FIELD
CROW: It'll just look stupid.
>in the BODY of the e-mail write:
TOM: If you're stupid enough to think I'd want to subscribe to this...
>subscribe gods-daily-word "your e-mail address"
>
>In other words if I were subscribing myself,
MIKE: Not in public!
>I would write the following:
>subscribe gods-daily-word chrisw...@xc.org
CROW: But I would never do that, would I?
>If you have any problems please contact me at the address below and I
>will be glad to assist you.
MIKE: ANY problems? That's pretty broad for a religious posting.
TOM: Yeah. He's going to get e-mails saying "My car won't start" and
"Does this look like a wart or just a mosquito bite?".
>Chris Williams
CROW: Legally insane since 1988.
>chrisw...@xc.org
>"http://www.wizzards.net/cwilliams"
MIKE: What, is that his nickname? If not, why the quotes?
>From gail.ripco.com!news.wwa.com!news-chi-8.sprintlink.net!
CROW: Here we go again...
>news-pull.sprintlink.net!news.sprintlink.net!news-peer.sprintlink.net!
>europa.clark.net!news.maxwell.syr.edu!cpk-news-hub1.bbnplanet.com!
>news.bbnplanet.com!news-peer.gsl.net!news.gsl.net!newsfeed.int
>Path: gail.ripco.com!news.wwa.com!news-chi-8.sprintlink.net!
>news-pull.sprintlink.net!news.sprintlink.net!news-peer.sprintlink.net!
>europa.clark.net!news.maxwell.syr.edu!cpk-news-hub1.bbnplanet.com!
>news.bbnplanet.com!news-peer.gsl.net!news.gsl.net!newsfeed.in
MIKE: Hey, Internet MCI got cut off!
TOM: The phone companies get to experience their OWN problems now.
>From: Dick & Chris Williams
MIKE: First, Ben & Jerry. Now this.
TOM: Was this e-mail account included in the premarital contract?
>Newsgroups: alt.christnet.hypocrisy
MIKE: I swear, Servo, you'll be seeing your name on many lists in this
newsgroup...
>Subject: "Souls Led By The Spirit"
TOM: Like sheep to the slaughter...
>Date: Wed, 19 Mar 1997 16:05:30 -0800
>Organization: Internet Access Services
>Lines: 52
CROW: Pickup.
>Message-ID: <33307F...@wizzards.net>
>Reply-To: cwil...@wizzards.net
MIKE: If you feel like it.
>NNTP-Posting-Host: pm20.wizzards.net
>Mime-Version: 1.0
>Content-Type:
CROW: The government's rating newsgroup postings now?
>text/plain; charset=us-ascii
>Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit
TOM: Isn't that one bit short of a byte?
MIKE: I'm not sure...
>X-Mailer: Mozilla 3.01C-KIT (Win95; U)
>Xref: gail.ripco.com alt.christnet.hypocrisy:17379
CROW: Say what you will about these religious zealots; they make the
WEIRDEST smileys!
>[If you would care
MIKE: People would get a quarter and call you.
>to subscribe to our free daily messages from God, please see below.
>God has been writing through me since 1988; we began
>to publish on Internet in March of 1996.]
TOM: Due to popular demand, we also stopped in March.
>March 18, 1997; "Souls Led By The Spirit"
CROW: As in the fumes from lead paint?
>Separation is for those whose (*)souls
MIKE: Watch out, souls! TIE Bomber attacking!
>will be led by the Spirit of God in these final days.
TOM: If you please, folks, God will now lead us in his interpretation
of the Macarena.
>If indeed you have been separated, or are being separated from the
>things and people you once loved, understand this separation is
>strength;
CROW: In your case, yes. It probably took a LOT of physical strength.
>there in lies your strength in Me, saith the Lord.
MIKE: Look hard, though. I'm probably deep in the basement playing
video games.
>One must be willing/willingly obey their Lord and march onto the/His
>battlefield upon hearing His command.
TOM: [Deep godlike voice] OK, who wants to die?
>No soldier in battle takes his/her possessions and loved ones with
>him/her. Battle is over the will of God verses the pleasures of this
life.
MIKE: I'm sure he meant "versus."
>I left this life in order to give you LIFE
CROW: From MILTON-BRADLEY.
>saith the Lord. Now receive this Life with wholeness; "BE" completed in
Me.
>Only the ones strong enough to be obedient in MY STRENGTH IN THEM march
>this time for their Lord;
TOM: Be completed. Be obiedient. Just be.
>only those I have prepared from days of old will fight this long last
>battle for all mankind. Those I call upon, were called upon before;
MIKE: Yup. The teachers pets of heaven.
>and this time without fail they will fight unto the finish.
MIKE: I'm sure he meant "until."
>This is My Day,
TOM: The Day He Fights Back.
>this is My Battle
CROW: And I can damn if I want to.
>saith the Lord/God Almighty.
TOM: What saith you to that?
>No human/none will stand in doubt. All are required to decide who
>it is they (*)STAND for
MIKE: What, is he marking off every sexual innuendo?
>Amen Amen and again Amen.
CROW: WOOP! WOOP! DANGER, WILL ROBINSON! DANGER! WOOP! WOOP!
>Let all who stand in the Grace of God be counted as wise and SOUL full
>of My Wisdom saith God Almighty;
MIKE: And God said, "Let there be grammar-checkers. PLEASE let there be
grammar-checkers."
>and by My Will NONE SHALL FALL;
CROW: I think I bought the shareware version of that.
>BY MY PROMISE ALL shall stand in the final days, My Battle days
>Amen and again Amen Amen
TOM: STOP THAT!
MIKE: What's that, TWELVE on the "Amen" counter?
>Jesus Christ is Lord Amen.
CROW: Lucky thirteen.
>-------
>TO SUBSCRIBE:
>Send an e-mail to h...@xc.org
TOM: Hub, from the planet X-Corg.
>DO NOT WRITE anything in the e-mail SUBJECT FIELD
MIKE: It makes God VERY angry.
>in the BODY of the e-mail write:
TOM: "This is the BODY of the e-mail."
>subscribe gods-daily-word "your e-mail address"
>In other words if I were subscribing myself, I would write the
>following:
MIKE: "Note to self. Subscribe."
>subscribe gods-daily-word chrisw...@xc.org
>If you have any problems please contact me at the address below and I
>will be glad to assist you.
CROW: For a marginal assister's fee of $500 an hour.
>Chris Williams
>chrisw...@xc.org
MIKE: But his friends call him:
>"http://www.wizzards.net/cwilliams"
TOM: The quotes--right.
MIKE: Yeah. Let's get out of here.
[Crow exits. Mike follows, carrying Servo]
[Doors-7654321]
[SOL Main Bridge]
MIKE: So, guys...I don't know what to say regarding that piece. Did
anybody learn anything?
CROW: Hmm, let's see...uh...er...gee.......nope. Not a thing.
TOM: Actually, Mike, I HAVE learned a few things from this
posting--"experience," if you will. In fact, I've written up a list
of facts and observations I've gathered. [Hands it to Mike] If
you please?
MIKE: Alright. [Reading] "One: Nowhere have I seen Dick OR Chris Williams
and God mentioned in the Bible as one and the same. Two: Couldn't
he get a bigger audience by 'writing through' someone like a
newspaper reporter, or L. Ron Hubbard?" Now, Tom, this is getting
silly...
TOM: Keep reading...
MIKE: 'K...[continues] "Three: Why does God insist on refusing to use
a grammar-checker? Is this part of that all-encompassing Disney
boycott? Four: What does God need with a starship? Or
a newsgroup, for that matter?" [Annoyed] That's it, Servo. You've
crossed the line with that one.
CROW: Really.
TOM: Sorry.
MIKE: Well, what do you think, ma'am?
[Rocketship]
PEARL: Sorry, Mike. It's not crunch time. [Even Bobo cringes at the
Lawgiver's painful ref] Anyway, I believe that piece was aimless
and meandering enough to be worth my time. Wouldn't you say,
Observerini?
OBSERVER: Worth the long-distance charges to connect to the nearest AOL
access number.
BOBO: It's a good thing, too. I'd hate to see that $239.17 a minute spent
in vain...
PEARL: [Flustered] Whoa. Where IS that access number, anyway?
OBSERVER: Alpha Centauri.
PEARL: I keep telling them to set one up here but NOOOOO.....
* * *
* * *
***
***0***
***
* * *
* * *
[fwooosh]
BOBO: And that's not counting the hourly rates.
PEARL: I thought I told you to switch to unlimited use!
[Over the ending credits, Bobo and Observer argue over whose
responsibility
it was to switch.]
Everything by Matthew Edward "The Chicago Player" Stanislawski I, Esquire
<ma...@ripco.com>
Mystery Science Theater 3000, its characters, situations, merchandise,
and a free set of steak knives are copyright 1997 Best Brains, Inc. This
MiSTing is not authorized, endorsed, or supported by anyone but me. This
is not intended as a direct attack on anyone, although it is wished that
the author get himself a grammar-checker. You may distribute this
article freely, as long as everything in it (including this notice)
remains intact and unchanged.
>that I might grow within you and completely consume you Amen Amen
>and again Amen.
Ripco BBS Chicago Call now for a free trial membership 773-665-0065
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