MSTed: Return of the Native, Ch. 3, Part 5

[Jess Nevins]

Tom: Did people live that long in England in the 19th century?

with well-formed features of the type usually found

Crow: In the Betty Ford Clinic.

where perspicacity is the chief quality enthroned within. At moments
she
seemed to be regarding issues from a Nebo denied to others around.

Mike: Nebo?
Tom: Nebo, Nebo...Biblical name for Mt. Pisgah, in Palestine.
Crow: Nebo? Sounds like the name of a mountain in Ubby-Dubby.

She had something of an estranged mien;

Tom (singing): Your mien is estranged, when you're estranger....

the solitude exhaled from the heath was concentrated in this face that
had
risen from it. The air with which she looked at the heathmen betokened
a

Crow: The desperation for human company you usually find only at
Star Trek conventions.

certain unconcern at their presence, or at what might be their opinions
of
her for walking in that lonely spot at such an hour,

Mike (Fairway voice): You want it bad, don't you?

thus indirectly implying that in some respect or other they were not up
to
her level.

Tom: The only ones who couldn't say that are the Mentors.
_Maybe_.
Crow: And Fuzzy Zoeller.
Tom: Yeah - and him.

The explanation lay in the fact that though her husband had been a small
farmer she herself was a curate's daughter, who had once dreamt of doing
better things.

Crow: Like leaving for America?

Persons with any weight of character carry, like planets, their
atmospheres
along with them in their orbits;

Mike :In fact, they were so fat they had their own gravity wells!
But I kid the fat....

and the matron who entered now upon the scene could, and usually did,
bring her own tone into a company.

Crow: About a B flat, I think.

Her normal manner among the heathfolk had that reticence which results
from the consciousness of superior communicative power.

Tom: Snobby bourgeois patrons and cretinous inbred farmers -
Hardy's giving us the full panoply of human loathesomeness here, isn't
he?

But the effect of coming into society and light after lonely wandering
in
darkness is a sociability in the comer above its usual pitch, expressed
in the
features even more than in words.

Crow: There's a word for Hardy's style.
Tom: What is it?
Crow: Something I can't say in a newsgroup read by kids.

"Why, 'tis Mis'ess Yeobright," said Fairway. "Mis'ess Yeobright, not
ten
minutes ago a man was here asking for you--a reddleman."

Mike (Miss Yeobright): A MAN? Where? Was he cute?

"What did he want?" said she.

"He didn't tell us."

"Something to sell, I suppose; what it can be I am at a loss to
understand."

Tom (Fairway): Something about "rough trade," I think.

"I am glad to hear that your son Mr. Clym is coming home at Christmas,
ma'am," said Sam, the turf-cutter. "What a dog he used to be for
bonfires!"

Crow (Sam voice): He'd set anything on fire - you remember when
the convent burned down? That was him!

"Yes. I believe he is coming," she said.

"He must be a fine fellow by this time," said Fairway.

"He is a man now," she replied quietly.

Mike: And oy! Was his bar mitzvah expensive!

"'Tis very lonesome for 'ee in the heth tonight, mis'ess,"

Tom (Christian): Is there anything you need *plowed* by a lusty
young farmer, ma'am? Heh heh heh...
Mike: Geez, Tom, give it a rest already.
Tom: Oh, like *you're* doing any better.

said Christian, coming from the seclusion he had hitherto maintained.
"Mind you don't get lost. Egdon Heth is a bad place to get lost in,

Crow: Must be part of Bensonhurst.

and the winds do huffle queerer tonight than ever I heard 'em afore.

Mike: Worse than an Erasure concert?

Them that know Egdon best have been pixy-led here at times."

Tom (Jimmy Stewart voice): Okay, out you two pixies, through
Egdon Heath or out through Manderley!

"Is that you, Christian?" said Mrs. Yeobright. "What made you hide away
from me?"

Crow (Christian): Well, those chaps from Liverpool said I had to
hide my love away....

"'Twas that I didn't know you in this light, mis'ess;

Tom (Christian): In the daylight you look like Wallace Beery,
ma'am.

and being a man of the mournfullest make, I was scared a little, that's
all.
Oftentimes if you could see how terrible down I get in my mind, 'twould
make 'ee quite nervous for fear I should die by my hand."

Mike, Tom & Crow: Do it! Do it!

"You don't take after your father," said Mrs. Yeobright,

Tom: Yeah, well, that's what they told Mikey Corleone - and look how
he turned out.

looking towards the fire, where Grandfer Cantle, with some want of
originality, was dancing by himself among the sparks,

Crow (Cantle voice, singing): Dancing with myself, woa-ho,
dancing with myself...

as the others had done before.

"Now, Grandfer," said Timothy Fairway, "we are ashamed of ye.

Mike (Cantle voice): Bite me, sonny boy.

A reverent old patriarch man as you be--seventy if a day--to go
hornpiping
like that by yourself!"

"A harrowing old man, Mis'ess Yeobright," said Christian despondingly.
"I
wouldn't live with him a week, so playward as he is, if I could get
away."

Tom (Christian voice): If only he hadn't hobbled me....

"'Twould be more seemly in ye to stand still and welcome Mis'ess
Yeobright, and you the venerablest here,
Grandfer Cantle," said the besom-woman.

Crow: The Bosom Woman? Wasn't John Holmes in that movie?

"Faith, and so it would," said the reveller checking himself
repentantly.
"I've such a bad memory, Mis'ess Yeobright, that I forget how I'm looked
up to by the rest of 'em.

Mike (Yeobright voice): What color is the sky in your world, old
man?

My spirits must be wonderful good, you'll say?

Tom: Is his name Johnnie Walker?

But not always. 'Tis a weight upon a man to be looked up to as
commander, and I often feel it."

Crow: Maybe Egdon Heath will adopt Logan's Run's approach to
treatment of the elderly?

"I am sorry to stop the talk," said Mrs. Yeobright.

Tom (Yeobright voice): But you ain't walkin' the walk.

"But I must be leaving you now.

Crow (Cantle, monotone): No, stop, don't.

I was passing down the Anglebury Road,

Mike (Yeobright voice): When I met a man with 40 wives.

towards my niece's new home,

Tom (Yeobright voice): It's in a cozy little town called Crystal
Lake.

who is returning tonight with her husband;

Crow (Yeobright): His name is Heathcliff - he seems such a nice
young man.

and seeing the bonfire and hearing Olly's voice among the rest I came up
here to learn what was going on.

Mike (Yeobright): And if far too many of you are dying.

I should like her to walk with me, as her way is mine."

"Ay, sure, ma'am, I'm just thinking of moving," said Olly.

Tom (Yeobright): Then move that flabby white butt of yours, Oily,
times a'wastin'!

"Why, you'll be safe to meet the reddleman that I told ye of,"

Crow (Fairway): His name is Gacy.

said Fairway. "He's only gone back to get his van. We heard that your
niece and her husband were coming straight home as soon as they were
married, and we are going down there shortly, to give 'em a song o'
welcome."

Mike (Fairway): We were thinking of "I might like you better if we
slept together."

"Thank you indeed," said Mrs. Yeobright.

"But we shall take a shorter cut through the furze than you can go with
long clothes; so we won't trouble you to wait."

"Very well--are you ready, Olly?"

Tom (Hardy voice): I certainly am, Stanley.
Mike nods.

"Yes, ma'am. And there's a light shining from your niece's window, see.
It
will help to keep us in the path."

She indicated the faint light at the bottom of the valley

Crow: At this hour it has to be a Motel 6.

which Fairway had pointed out; and the two women descended
the tumulus.

Crow: Mike, when do the bloodsports begin?
Tom: Let's get out of here....

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Back in the SOL)

Magic Voice: Because we didn't have anything else to do, the
Satellite Of Love Players are pleased to present The Hardy Boys,
starring
Mike Nelson as Frank Hardy, Crow T. Robot as Andy Hardy, and Tom
Servo as Thomas Hardy.

Mike: I wonder who the creep was who stole the school's dance
fund?
Crow: I know - my dad's got a barn - we could put on a show!
Tom: And so it is that, in the fullness of time, we intrepid and
doughty performers from that salubrious domicile of learning known
vulgarly
as "Springfield High" should set forth upon our quest to discover where,
on
the vast and fertile plains of heath and--

Shot of the clock turning ahead two hours.

Tom: --and the sidewalk, though cracked and covered with the
most peculiarly grey mold, a mold not to be found in any other place
besides
this particular sidewalk, for the mold had originated several counties
south,
in the range of coniferous forest once known to--

Mike is asleep on his feet.
Crow's jaw is hanging open, and he has a glazed look on his face.

Shot of the clock moving ahead another ninety minutes.

Tom: --for, I must concur, the idea of finding the scoundrel
responsible for absconding with the funds is a most salutary suggestion.
What say ye?

Mike and Tom are prone and snoring.
Gypsy appears from stage right.

Gypsy: YOU'VE GOT MOVIE SIGN! WAKE UP!

Mike & Tom awake with a start and all three dash for the door.

(*whew*)

jess

[Stephen Cooke]

On Wed, 28 May 1997, Jess Nevins wrote:

> Tom: Did people live that long in England in the 19th century?
> with well-formed features of the type usually found
>
> Crow: In the Betty Ford Clinic.

I'd rather see the type found in the Bettie Page Clinic...

Stephen Cooke
Halifax, NS
am...@chebucto.ns.ca
http://www.chebucto.ns.ca/~am082/Profile.html

"Sometimes I go off into my own little world...
But that's okay; they know me there."-AJ

What this country needs is plenty of...

/\/\ /-\ \ / | |~~~
/ \ | | X | |__
/ \\-/ / \ | |___

[Jess Nevins]

Stephen Cooke wrote:
>
> On Wed, 28 May 1997, Jess Nevins wrote:
>

> > Tom: Did people live that long in England in the 19th century?
> > with well-formed features of the type usually found
> >
> > Crow: In the Betty Ford Clinic.
>

> I'd rather see the type found in the Bettie Page Clinic...

um...I'm just asking, of course....but how do I get accepted there?

jess

[Stephen Cooke]

On Wed, 28 May 1997, Jess Nevins wrote:

> Stephen Cooke wrote:
> >
> > On Wed, 28 May 1997, Jess Nevins wrote:
> >

> > > Tom: Did people live that long in England in the 19th century?
> > > with well-formed features of the type usually found
> > >
> > > Crow: In the Betty Ford Clinic.
> >

> > I'd rather see the type found in the Bettie Page Clinic...
>
> um...I'm just asking, of course....but how do I get accepted there?

Hmmm...I dunno. Ask Buck Henry! (He was a member of one of the camera
clubs that used to hire Bettie as a model. Lucky so-and-so...)

[Matthew R Blackwell]

Please. Please, do not post a 800+K binary post to a text based group,
okay?

[GemMemory]

Hell, I'm just impressed Jess got in a Leo Marks reference...

now THAT brings back memories of watching MST3K for the first time...

"They're in my MIND, man! They're in my MIND!"

Ian "slightly more content" Hill
Falmouth, ME

"I wanna try the exciting new toothpaste from Mars!"
"No! I wanna try the exciting new toothpaste from Mars!"
"Kids, kids! We can ALL try the exciting new toothpaste from Mars!"
-- Mike Keneally, 'hat'

Whatever happened to the antipathy matrix?

[TCurryFan]

"mbla...@ix.netcom.com (Matthew R Blackwell)"

>Please. Please, do not post a 800+K binary post to a text based group,
>okay?

....because we'd hate for you to have your Net access taken away...
Posting binaries to text groups that aren't listed as binary groups is a
SERIOUS breech of nettiquette, and justification for having your access
revoked.

"Hey, the moon looks just like Arizona, you guys!"
-Joel Robinson, _MST3K:_The_Robot_Vs._The_Aztec_Mummy_
Catherine Johnson ---------- MiSTie #75,125 ---------- TCur...@aol.com