MiSTied: Evolution in Cold Blood 3/6
rcoa...@forest.drew.edu
From: Coakley, Robert
RCOAKLEY
Dept: STUDENT
Tel No: (201)-408-5013
TO: Remote INTERNET Address ( _IN%ALT-TV...@CS.UTEXAS.EDU )
TO: Remote INTERNET Address ( _IN%REC-ARTS-TV...@CS.UTEXAS.EDU )
Subject: MiSTied: Evolution in Cold Blood 3/6
Date: 05-Oct-1995 03:17am EST
From: Coakley, Robert
RCOAKLEY
Dept: STUDENT
Tel No: (201)-408-5013
TO: Remote INTERNET Address ( _IN%MNE...@ENGIN.UMICH.EDU )
Subject: MiSTied: Evolution in Cold Blood 3/6
<SOL>
CROW: So Tom, what's your rational explination for this fanfic?
TOM: Well, it is my believe that Mr. McKenzie, in his fascination
with genetic engineering, the popularity of Jurassic Park,
Raptor Red, and Carnisaur, created a kind of waped man
lizard character for the Knight Sabers to fight. Since the
Knight Sabers only fight robotic constructs, this shows a
return to more primitive and natural stage for villians, and
also shows how threats to humanity can come in any
period in history.
MIKE: Tom...that made absolutely no sense.
TOM: Alright. He probably read _Jurrasic Park_ and wanted
to adapt it for BubbleGum Crisis. Happy now?
MAGIC VOICE: Guys! Red Alert! Dr. Forrester is ready to try
his invention!
ALL: NOOOOOO!!!!
<Deep 13>
<Ryoga is strapped into an evil looking electric chair, with
Dr. Forrester's evil "fanfic into the brain" invention suspended
over his head. It looks like a scene from "Johnny Mneumonic">
RYOGA: ...Plum bread, liverwurst bread, and, my favorite, Oreo
Cookie Bread. <notices contraption> Hmm, I seem to
be strapped into a device designed to jolt electricity
through my body.
DR. F: That's right! You, Mr. Habiki, are about to become a
guinea pig...
RYOGA: Who are you calling a pig!!!!
DR. F: ...in an experiment of epic evil proportions! Why, if this
works, I can leave Nelson and his robotic cohorts on a
collision corse with...
RYOGA: Wackiness?
DR. F: No, the sun!!! Now, Ryoga, perpare to have a fanfic directly
hardwired into your brain!!!
RYOGA: Really? I wander around a lot, so I don't get much time
to read fanfics. Think you could upload "Synchronicity?"
It's this great Star Trek/ Dr. Who crossover...
DR. F: Who do I look like, Albert Schwietzer? I'm evil! I think
I'll upload "Cyborged" a Star Trek/Dr. Who crossover not
quite as good as "Synchronicity," but you'll be too brain-fried
to know the difference.
RYOGA: I think I'm in trouble.
<SOL>
ALL: STOP PICKING ON POOR RYOGA!!!!
<Deep 13>
DR. F: Oh, do shut up! It's Cyborg time, Ryoga.
RYOGA: Poopie!
<The device is strapped to Ryoga's head and activated.
Lights flash and buzzing sounds are heard>
RYOGA: ARRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!
<SOL>
ALL: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
<Lights and buzzers>
ALL: WE'VE GOT MOVIE SIIIGGGNNN!
<Door sequence>
> B U B B L E G U M C R I S I S:
> Evolution in Cold Blood
> Part 3
<Mike and 'bots enter theater>
TOM: Poor Ryoga.
CROW: I know...
>
> Written by M. Mckenzie, based on
> characters and situations from the
> OVA series.
MIKE: Quickfire guys!
<Silence>
TOM: Sorry, I wasn't paying attention.
CROW: Poor Ryoga.
> The story so far...
> The vicous rampage of a strange creature through the streets
>of Mega Tokyo ended with its death due to the combined efforts of
>the Knight Sabers and Leon McNichol. Now, the day after, answers
>are coming--as well as more questions....
MIKE: The question on my mind is Ryoga's sanity!
> Morning came to Mega Tokyo.
> Much was mentioned about the night before. The media spoke
>of a new type of Buma; the computer nets and tabloids pinned the
>blame on a doped-up freako in a costume.
ALL: Barney!!!
>The Knight Sabers also recieved extensive coverage.
CROW: Those media hogs!
> The truth, however, was located in the morgue of the
>headquarters of the AD Police.
CROW: You can't handle the truth!
MIKE: If it's in the morgue, who'd want to?
> Leon McNichol entered the busy office, nursing the lump on
>his head. Cheers went up from his fellow officers.
ALL: Give us Barabus!
> "Hey, it's the monster killer!" one said, slapping Leon hard
>on the back. A female officer playfully pinched him on the rear.
TOM <falsetto> Let's see how YOU like it!
>Leon accepted the praise and well-wishes, then made a beeline for
>the chief's office. Daily Wong and the chief were already there.
> "Leon! Baby!" Daily said as Leon entered, "how are you
>feeling?"
> "Okay, 'cept I got a wanger of a headache.
CROW: He knows all about "wanging."
MIKE: Watch it, Crow!
>It's a twenty-one gun salute up there."
TOM <Daily>: Let's fix that by shooting you 21 times in the
stomach!
>Leon pulled up a chair and sat
>down, dropping a sheaf of papers on the chief's desk at the same
>time. "Here's the report of last night's incident."
> The chief glanced through the hard copy printout. "There's
>still the matter about what the corpse did, Leon."
> "Ah, shit chief, c'mon! I saw it with my own two eyeballs!
CROW <stupid>: You know, those things that you see stuff with?
>It-the thing-changed into a man after I had killed it!"
> "I can accept the part about the Knight Sabers, but for the
>love of God, Leon--"
MIKE: The Miami Vice look went out of style fourty years ago!
> Leon balled his hands into fists and gritted his teeth.
TOM <dramatic>: KAHN!!! KAAAAAAAAHHHNNN!!!!
>Slowly, he asked, "Has there been an autopsy done on the body?"
> The chief, either unaware of Leon's anger or not caring at
>all about it, pulled on his moustache and said, "No, the coroner
>isn't finished--" but he was interrupted by the phone. He picked
>it up, said a few words,
ALL: A few words.
>and hung up. "He just completed it.
CROW <Church Lady>: Isn't that convee-ee-ent?
>He wants a few words with you, though."
MIKE: Three, actually- BRUSH YOUR TEETH!!!
> Leon stood up just as Nene entered, out of breath. "Sorry
>I'm late," she said.
MIKE <falsetto>: Had to get tickets to see NIN.
> Leon, Daily, and Nene stood around the autopsy table as the
>coroner removed the plastic sheet covering the body that lay
>there.
MIKE: Please God, I'm only seventeen.
> "EEYUCK!!" Nene grimaced. The blood had been cleaned up,
>but the shattered head was still a gruesome sight.
TOM: Funny, everyone else thought it was the funniest part of
"Pulp Fiction."
> Then she peered closer. "Hey, that's a man!"
CROW <falsetto>: What's _that_ thing? I've never seen anything
like it! It's ugly, yet strangly alluring.
> "Yes, Miss Nene, it is," Leon said. Turning to the coroner,
>he aksed, "So doc, what have you found?"
MIKE: Carmen Sandiego *and* Waldo.
> "Well, what we have here is a male caucasian, twenty-nine
>years old, in good physical condition.
TOM: Dean Cain?
>Cause of death was two
>gunshot wounds to the head. That's the straightfoward stuff."
> "Straightfoward?" Daily inquired.
TOM: 'Course, Daily isn't...
MIKE: No, Tom, no.
> "Yes. Because, you see, he was wounded before. Here, look
>at these two large areas
<All clear throats nervously>
> of scar tissue.
ALL: *Whew*!
>He was wounded there,
>by what I think were high energy weapons, but somehow, the wounds
>healed themselves. Rather rapidly, I must add."
> "A healing factor?" Leon asked.
TOM: Methinks the author has read "Wolverine" a number of times.
MIKE: Is "healing factor" a real term?
CROW: It is now.
> "Yes. But there are several other things.
TOM: Grammar...
MIKE: Character development...
CROW: Plot...
ALL <insane>: THEY'RE ALL MISSING!!!
>I found
>abnormalities in the bone structure of what was left of the jaw,
>skull, and the legs. The leg muscles were also abonormal."
MIKE <announcer>: Now, a message from the Knight Sabers about
the dangers of anabolic steroid use...
>He turned to Leon.
CROW: Oh, you still here?
>"Incredible as it may sound, you were right,
>Leon. One hundred percent.
TOM: Leon was right about something. Spooky!
>But there's more."
> "What?"
> "Come here." The coroner led the trio to his cubicle. A
>computer terminal was there, on-line. The coroner sat down and
>puncehed in a command, then pointed at the screen.
MIKE: Look! Doom V - Beating a Dead Horse!
> "Here. This is the blood sample of a normal human bieng.
>Notice those red, donut-looking things--
TOM <Leon>: Oh, I hate it when he uses scientific talk.
>the red blood corpuscles,
>or RBCs.
TOM: Red Buttons Channel?
MIKE: Royal Baton Cola?
CROW: Really Bad Cartoon?
>Unlike other cells of the human body, these do not have
>a cell nucleus."
> "Hmmmm," Leon said.
TOM <German>: Veery een-terestink.
> "Hmmmm, indeed," the coroner mimicked.
CROW <parrot>: Hmmmm, indeed. <whistles>
>"But look here."
>The screen switched to a different sample.
TOM: Whoops! Who left these pictures of Pamela Anderson on file?
>"This is the blood
>sample taken from our guest over there. Look. Half of his RBCs
>have a nucleus. The other half do not."
MIKE <daramtic>: This shows how your marrage will never work.
> He turned and faced the group. "There is only one class of
>animals, comparable to mammals, that have nucleated RBCs--the
>reptiles."
TOM: The guy from Mortal Kombat who you fight in the Pit?
> Leon's eyes went wide. "But how do you explain--how can you
>explain--"
CROW: The lame ending to KOR? The world may never know.
>He glanced at the body on the table.
> The coroner held his hands up. "That's not even the whole
>thing, Leon.
TOM: Well, of course not. It's head was blown off.
>Look at the screen again, all of you." He punched
>several more keys. "This is a sample of our guest's DNA. Now,
>here is another sample that has several matches to it."
> "Where's the second sample from? A lizard?" Daily ventured.
MIKE: Daily Ventura: Pet Detective!
> "Exactly. It's actually a composite sample made up from at
>least ten species of lizards. And yet," he tapped the screen
>with his pen, "there are parts of our guest's DNA that are a
>mystery to me.
TOM: Why do I get the feeling this guy used to work for the LAPD?
>By the way, I did this test purely on the rumors
>that our guest was some kind of lizard monster."
> "Did you pull an ID on him?" Leon asked.
CROW: He's Dr. Curt Conners!
> "Oh! I should have mentioned that before," the coroner
>said, chuckling.
TOM <goofy voice>: Where's my head today? Where's *his* head today?
>"Yes, using fingerprints, I found that he
>is...yes, here it is. He's Darren Serrick, a freelance computer
>data engineer."
> Leon gave the picture on the screen an eyeball inspection.
>It was the face of a square-jawed young man with a thick shock of
>hair, dyed blue.
CROW: Anime characters DYE their hair?
MIKE: What did you think?
CROW: I figured it was the radiation from all the nuclear wars.
>"Freelance, doc? Where was his last place of
>employment?"
> "Ahhh...here. He was doing work for the Nakamura-Kellar
>Natural History Museum. You know, that new museum that opened up
>about four years ago."
TOM: It's four years old, but that's "new" in my book!
> "Hmmmm...yeah, I did hear of it, but I've never been there.
CROW: Oh, like the female...
MIKE: No way, Crow. No way.
>Any more info?"
> "Yes. His supervisor was a Dr. Shinjii Yahagi. Here's the
>information." The computer printed out a hard copy sheet.
TOM: I get all *my* tabloid info from "A Current Affair."
> "Thanks, doc." Leon said. He took the sheet and turned to
>Daily and Nene. "Daily, stay here. If any new information comes
>in, stay on it. Miss Nene, you'll accompany me downtown on a
>little trip."
MIKE <faletto>: No.
>He put on his shades and walked out.
>
> The Nakamura-Kellar Natural History Museum, in Nene's
>opinion, was ugly. As Leon parked the AD Police car, she got a
>closer look. It resembled an ultratech horseshoe with a dome
>connected to the rear.
CROW: A horse's rear?
MIKE: That's Leon, silly.
>The space it occupied was large, but the
>building itself seemed overwhelmed by the skyscrapers rising up
>on both sides.
CROW: He has skyscraper envy!
> There wasn't much of a crowd as they entered the building;
>Nene guessed that the "monster" from the night before was making
>everyone nervous, even if it was dead.
TOM: Oh, like Christopher Columbus. He's been dead four hundred
years and people still get nervous talking about him.
> As they entered the main hall, Nene changed her mind about
>the building being ugly. On the outside, maybe. But on the
>inside, it was amazing! There was a one-hundred foot long
>dinosaur diorama,
MIKE: Now that must need one BIG shoebox to display it in.
>complete with realistic animatrons: a
>Tyrannosaurus
CROW: Hey, Tom...
MIKE & CROW: Tyrannosaurus Red Dragon Thunderzord Power!!! <laugh>
<Tom sulks>
>Rex, as large as a house, faced off against a Triceratops;
MIKE & CROW: Triceratops Unicorn Thunderzord Power!!! <Laugh>
TOM <grumbling>: Shut up.
>a Dimetredon lay on a rock, waving the large
>fin on its back; and a female Hadrosaurus kept watch over her
>clutch of eggs.
MIKE: Pride of lions, gaggle of geese... and *clutch* of eggs?
>There were mony other displays, skeletons, and
>holoshows around the hall.
> Leon gave a low whistle.
CROW: Dino's got back!
> Definitely impressive stuff, he
>thought. It was the first time he'd been here; he wondered why
>he hadn't come earlier. He had seen videos and pics of the
>complex during its construction and opening.
> A thin man in a steel-grey suit approached Leon and Nene.
>His hair had been dyed a deep purple,
TOM: Groovy, baby...
>and his eyes were a deep
>blue. "Hello," he said, "May I help you?"
> "Leon McNichol and Nene Romanov, AD Police." Both of them
>produced their badges.
MIKE: Hey, who's talking?
> "Cassoval Pellerin," the man said, extending his hand. Leon
>shook it. "I presume you want to see--?"
TOM: Plot...
MIKE: Grammar...
CROW: Character development...
> "Dr. Shinjii Yahagi. We have a few questions to ask."
> Nene saw Pellerin's face cloud over for a brief moment.
>Then he said, "Of course. Please come with me."
MIKE: Try it and you're a dishwasher, Crow.
>
> Dr. Yahagi's office was small, with a desk, a computer, and
>a large bookcase. Several posters adorned the walls; a periodic
>table here, a geologic history of the Earth there, and pictures
>of extinct animals elsewhere.
TOM: I took this picture of the Sabertooth Tiger last year!!
CROW: You mean your autographed picture of Aiesha, the Yellow Ranger?
TOM <angry>: Shut up, just shut up!
> The man himself was of medium height and build, with
>salt-and-pepper hair that was slicked back. His moustache was
>trimmed, but his dark eyes seemed capable of penetrating
>anything.
CROW: Do you think he...
<Mike clamps down on Crow's beak>
> Leon introduced himself and Nene, and Dr. Yahagi dismissed
>Pellerin. "Now, Officer McNichol, what can I do for you?
TOM: Stick you in a pit full of starving dogs?
>Wait--you want to ask me questions about last night, I presume."
MIKE: I'm Griswell!
> Leon produced a picture of Darren Serrick. "Do you know
>this man, Doctor?"
TOM <fast>: The gun went off by accident!...I mean, no.
> Yahagi took the picture. His hand began to shake, and he
>looked at the two in alarm. "Why--why that's Darren Serrick!
>He-no, he couldn't have been responsible for last night!!"
> "Dr. Yahagi, it's true. I'm sorry,"
CROW: You're a character in a bad fanfic,
>Leon said. He gave a
>full account of the night before.
> Yahagi sat at his desk and shook his head fiercely.
<Mike and 'bots shake their heads fiercely. Tom's head falls off.>
MIKE: Whoops! I'll get it, Tom.
<reaches down and reattaches Tom's head>
TOM: Whew! Thanks, Mike!
>"Mr. McNichol, that is impossible. A man cannot transform or be
>transformed into a monster. It is the stuff of legends and old
>wives' tales."
CROW: And really cheesy movies the Mads send us.
> Leon went on. "We also took these samples from the body.
>These are the test results." He handed Yahagi a folder. Yahagi
>read the results, and groaned.
TOM: "My So-Called Life" has been cancelled!
>Then he put it down and stood up.
>He walked to the back of his office, then faced Leon and Nene.
> "I--I used to work for the GENOM corporation. I see by the
>look on your face that you are not their biggest fan, Mr.
>McNichol. But please hear me out.
TOM <Leon>: No, that was just the burrito I ate backing up on me.
> "At the time that GENOM was doing R&D on the Bumas, I was
>part of a project doing research on DNA cloning and
>recombination techniques. Yes, I know this work is not new,
MIKE: It's the subject of numerous Micheal Chriton stories...
>but GENOM wanted to take the work a step further. They were hoping
>to find a way to change one active DNA structure into another."
TOM: Funny, Barry Shreck thinks the LAPD has done that already.
> Nene's eyes widened while Leon's narrowed.
CROW: Like anyone could tell the difference with those two!
>Yahagi saw this
>and chuckled, "The project was scrapped, however. It was deemed
>impractical, and unethical, in the end."
MIKE: GENOM? Do something unethical? Nooooo.
> "Impractical?" Nene asked.
> "Yes. The general idea was genetic research and money.
>Imagine giving a human the characteristics of certain
>animals--fish, gorillas, reptiles. A human given the fish
>characteristics could perform well underwater, without the aid of
>breathing equipment.
TOM: Wasn't that on an old G.I.Joe episode?
CROW: Nah, it was an episode of the Smurfs.
MIKE: No, it's the plot to Waterworld.
>Give a human the characteristics of a
>gorilla, they will have greater power, strength.
CROW: The secret of professional wrestling revealed!
>Give a human the characteristics of a reptile, and--"
MIKE: You've got a Comedy Central executive.
'BOTS: Be careful!!! You want to wind up on at 2 A.M.?
> "And what?" Leon asked.
> "Officer McNichol, I think you've been reading too much
>science-fiction."
TOM: No, the author of this fanfic has.
> "But how do you explain Serrick?"
CROW: I assume his parent's were very much in love and...
> "He was doing work on the side for GENOM.
TOM: Hopefully, not any "special favors" for Quincy.
>Maybe they
>decided to restart the program. Why don't you ask them? They'll
>probably give you the answer."
CROW: In the form of a question.
> Leon glared at Yahagi, but said nothing.
MIKE: _There's_ a first!
> "And now, I have to relay this sad news to my staff.
CROW: A shame really. They all loved "Full House."
>I'm sorry,but I can't answer any more questions. If you have any
>more, feel free to contact me." Yahagi walked to the door and
>opened it. "Good day."
>
CROW: Will you please leave!!!
> The sun was climbing steadily toward high noon by the time
>Leon and Nene left the museum. Pulling out of the parking spot,
>Leon uttered a low curse.
> "What's wrong?" Nene asked.
TOM: It's daylight! It's never daylight in cyberpunk!
MIKE: You call this cyberpunk?
> "What's wrong?! Nene, he's hiding something; I'm sure of
>it."
> "Then why did he tell us about his work at GENOM?"
> "I don't know...but--" The carphone rang. Leon answered it,
>and Daily's face appeared on the screen.
> "Leon!! I've got news for you! By the way, how was Dr.
>Yahagi?"
CROW <Daily>: Think he'd go for me?
> "He was your typical tight-ass, my-lips-are-sealed type.
>But what do you have?"
TOM: A rather unpleasant rash located...
MIKE: No, no, no.
> "Well, old Doc over here found something else with our
>guest."
> "WHAT?"
ALL <jump in surprise>: AHHH!
> "That's not all, Leon. The chief wants you to check out a
>call that came in a short while ago. Some storeowners in the
>area where the creature appeared had break-ins last night. Maybe
>there's a connection."
MIKE: To the "On Leather Wings" story from "Batman: The Animated Series."
> "All right, we'll check the store out first. What's the
>address?"
> Daily sent it through. As soon as they had it, Leon put the
>pedal to the metal and headed in the direction of the incident.
>
> After Leon and Nene had left, Dr. Yahagi sat at his desk,
>agonizing over what he had to do. He hit the intercom switch and
>said, "Pellerin, Yamagata, Hoshino, and Bergs:
TOM: All members of Shonin Knife.
>Meet me in D-section. Immediately."
ALL: Yes, sir!
> After saying this, he stood up, pushed a button under his
>desktop, and faced the back of the room. The bookcase moved to
>one side, revealing a hidden doorway. Yahagi stepped through,
>and opened another door, and descended a short flight of steps.
MIKE: Why do I get the feeling Wayne Enterprises used to own this
building?
> He emerged in a huge room, nearly ninety feet wide. All
>around were large banks of computers, CRAY towers, and video
>screens. But at the center of the room was a large platform,
>with a ring surrounding it. Above the platform, an emmitter-like
>object was held fast by a giant claw assembly, which in turn was
>connected to giant machine that hummed ominously. Wires snaked
>out from the platform to the computer banks.
TOM: It's the computer from Superman III!
CROW: No, it's the cloning chamber from Judge Dredd!
MIKE: Guys, it can be both those things and more.
> Yahagi looked at the sight in front of him. "I should never
>have rebuilt you," he said in a shaking voice.
MIKE <glaring at Crow>: I've thought that often myself.
> Another door opened; Pellerin, Yamagata, Hoshino, and Bergs
>entered.
TOM: Ladies and gentlemen...SHONEN KNIFE!!!
>"What's going on?" Pellerin asked.
> Yahagi turned to him, eyes blazing. "Who the hell do you
>think you are!! Why did you evolve Serrick!! I told you...no
>human tests, not yet!"
> Pellerin returned a cool gaze. "Oh really, Dr.?
TOM: Doctor who?
MIKE: Exactly.
TOM: What?
ALL: Third base!
>Well...I'm afraid you do not know the whole story." He reached out, grabbed
>Yahagi by the neck, and _lifted_ the man clear off the ground!
MIKE: Where is the drug?
CROW <gasping>: What drug, this is an oil refinery!
TOM: Ladies and gentlement, the _Alien Nation_ sketch.
> Yahagi began choking, and tried to pry Pellerin's grip
>loose. It was no use. He tried to plead to the others, but they
>simply stood there. Pellerin noticed this.
> "Sorry Doctor...but they are loyal to ME now. I think
>you've started to forget certain things...
TOM: Like where you left MY WINNING LOTTERY TICKET!!!
>I don't think I should have to remind you of them, do I?"
> "You're mad!" Yahagi choked out.
> "Mad? No, Doctor. Unlike you, I've become enlightened.
>What did you tell those two officers?"
MIKE: You didn't tell them we stole this set from the Guyver series,
did you?
> "I told them nothing!"
> "Yes. And as the saying goes, pigs fly." He let go of
>Yahagi's neck; the doctor fell to the floor in a heap.
TOM: Darn it, who left this heap in the middle of the floor?
>"Remember
>this, Doctor. I am in charge here. You are only a false face. I
>don't want to kill you, but I will if necessary. My revenge
>isn't complete, but tonight will be the next stage. And, so help
>me, no one--not you, not even the Knight Sabers-- will stop me."
TOM: Edward D. Wood Jr. would be proud.
MIKE: Bela Legosi would be perfect for those lines!
>M. Mckenzie
>St. Peter's College
>"Kill me? Those are pretty tough words for a pussy!"
> --Jean LacQuemonde, from STRIKER
CROW: Well, that made no sense, so it fits in perfectly.
MIKE: We're outta here.
<All leave>