MSTed: "NEED CASH TO PAY OFF YOUR DEBTS? READ ON!" (2/4)
Matthew Stanislawski
[Part 2]
>I somehow got on mailing lists for people looking to make money
CROW: Hmm...how do you think that happens...
TOM: [Kid voice] Idunno, Mommy, I just SOMEHOW got on those mailing lists!
MIKE: Oh, I always thought there was a mailing list fairy.
>(more like 'desperate stupid people who will try anything for money!').
TOM: Oh, and you, on the other hand, are an intelligent, patient, and
caring entrepreneur?
MIKE: That's the American way.
CROW: Or the Guadalajaran...
>Well, when I was a teenager, these claims to 'get me rich quick'
CROW: [groovy sexy voice] Got me in the mood!
>sounded irresistible!
MIKE: How naive I was as a youth...
TOM: Little did I know that these blasphemous acts would send me
STRAIGHT TO HELL!!!!!
CROW: Uh-oh, he's having flashbacks to the "Does God Love Me" posts!
>I would shell out $14.95 here, $29.95 there, $24.95 here, and another
>$49.95 there.
MIKE: And what did I have to show for it? AN ELECTRIC JUICER!
>I had maxed out my new Circuit City Card AND my Visa...
TOM: They were after me, I could smell it.
CROW: There was nowhere to run.
MIKE: I feared for my life...and for my family...
>I was desperate for money!!
ALL: Duh!
>So, I gave them all a chance but failed at every one of them! Maybe
MIKE: ...I just didn't deserve to live...
T & C: Hear, hear!!!
>they worked for some people, but not for me.
TOM: I tried calling those people, but they were all out to lunch.
>Eventually, I just tossed that JUNK MAIL in the trash when I got the mail.
CROW: I THOUGHT my problems were over...
MIKE: But I still had the loan sharks to deal with...
>I recognized it right away.
TOM: It was hideous.
CROW: What?
MIKE: Just watch.
>I can smell
CROW: If I try really hard.
MIKE: [holding nose] Or if you don't take a shower! Peeeww!
>a money scam from a mile away these days, SO I THOUGHT....
TOM: But boy, those postal workers sure are crafty.
>I thought I could sniff out a scam easily.
MIKE: But, mysteriously, my bloodhound was out to lunch also...
>WAS I WRONG!!....
CROW: As always!
MIKE: What a dunderhead!
TOM: Um...Mike?
MIKE: Yeah?
TOM: WHAT THE HELL IS A DUNDERHEAD?!
>I LOVE THE INTERNET!!!
CROW: And the Internet loves me!
MIKE: Are you sure?
CROW: What do you mean?
MIKE: I don't think those anonymous hate-emails came from an actual PERSON...
CROW: Can that happen?
>I was scanning thru a NEWSGROUP
CROW: A BIG, IMPORTANT NEWSGROUP!
TOM: That'll be four fifty-five. Thank you, scan thru.
MIKE: I think that was a Nirvana song...
>and saw an article
CROW: Well, that's usually the kind of thing you see on a NEWSGROUP...
TOM: He wasn't done yet.
>stating to GET CASH FAST!! I thought...
MIKE: "Why am I here, when there's probably something good in
alt.binaries.pictures.nude.celebrities?"
CROW: Those pictures are fake, you know.
MIKE: [sarcasm] REALLY?
TOM: Wait, they are?
MIKE: Do you really think that someone like Drew Barrymore would do
that sort of thing?
[Bots look at Mike]
MIKE: OK, OK, bad example...
>"Here on the Internet??
TOM: Don't they regulate this sort of thing?
>Well, I'll just have to see what schemes could possibly be on the
>internet."
MIKE: Boy, was I in for a surprise!
CROW: You said it!
>The article described a way to MAIL A ONE DOLLAR BILL TO ONLY
>FIVE PEOPLE AND MAKE $50,000 IN CASH WITHIN 4 WEEKS!
MIKE: [hands on ears] Geez, turn off the megaphone, you're standing right
next to us!
>Well, the more I thought about it,
TOM: The hungrier I became. A thinking man needs food, you know.
>the more I became very curious.
TOM: OK, hungry AND curious. But being curious only made me hungrier.
>Why?
TOM: Idunno, it's YOUR post!
>Because of the way it worked AND BECAUSE IT WOULD ONLY COST ME
>FIVE DOLLARS
MIKE: [Jerry Lewis voice] Ayy! Stop it with the shouting and the loudness
again, oy!
TOM: Wait a minute, how many PESOS is that?
>(AND FIVE STAMPS),
CROW: (AND MY IMMORTAL SOUL),
MIKE: (AND STREISAND TICKETS),
TOM: (AND MY ELECTRIC JUICER),
>THAT'S ALL I EVER PAY....EVER!!
MIKE: [fake astonishment] That's all he EVER pays...EVER?
CROW: [same] That's all forEVER...EVER!
TOM: [same] He'll NEVER have to pay anymore...NEVER?
CROW: [same] NEVERmore...NEVER!
>Ok, so the $50,000 in cash was
TOM: A total LIE!
CROW: But hey, how else would I get your attention?
>maybe an tough amount to reach, but it was possible.
[all snicker, and then start to laugh uncontrollably]
>I knew that I could at least get a return of $1,000 or so.
CROW: [rich snob voice] Oh, a THOUSAND? Why, my good man, that's
CHUMP CHANGE!
>So I did it!!
TOM: Man, were my friends right! It's so much better than being
a virgin!
CROW: 'Heard it hurts the first time, though.
>As per the instructions in the article,
MIKE: "As per"? "AS PER"?! What the hell is "AS PER"???
TOM: Actually, Mike, he IS grammatically correct.
MIKE: Still, he's a friggin' geek!
>I mailed out
CROW: Wait, what KIND of mail?
>('snail mail' for you e-mail fanatics)
CROW: Oh.
TOM: Yes, you high-and-mighty, think-you're-SOOOOOOOOOO-superior
e-mail fanatics! Well, for the duration of THIS space flight,
I'll just stick to the good old U.S. Postal Service!
MIKE: You DO realize you just said "good" and "U.S. Postal Service"
in the same sentence? [crow snickers]
TOM: Hmmph!
>a single dollar bill
MIKE: As opposed to a "double" or "triple" dollar bill.
>to each of the five people on the list that was contained in the
>article. I included a small note, with the dollar, that stated
CROW: "I want to make sweet, sweet love to you."
MIKE: "The hot dog is in the bun, 0-9'er, I repeat, the hot dog
is in the bun, over..."
>"Please Add Me To Your List."
CROW: "...of LOVE!"
TOM: That would make an interesting Barry White song, wouldn't it?
MIKE: [super-deep voice] Ooh baby, oh yeah, add me to your
mailing list of love..."
>I then removed
CROW: my pants.
[bots laugh]
MIKE: Yeah. Real funny, Beavis.
[bots start laughing like Beavis and Butt-head]
TOM: Heh-heh-heh, pants are cool.
>the first position name of the five names listed and moved everyone
>up one position,
CROW: Um, this is getting complicated...
MIKE: Hmmm?
TOM: Mike, do you think you could write this down?
>and I put my name in position five of the list. This is how the
>money starts rolling in!
MIKE: Rollin', rollin', rollin', keep that money rollin'...
>I then took
CROW: A dump.
[bots laugh]
MIKE: I'm warning you two...One more time and you're gonna' get it...
[bots snicker]
MIKE: Really! I mean it!
>this revised article now with my name on the list and REPOSTED IT
CROW: [hands on ears] Agggh! Keep it down!
>ON AS MANY NEWSGROUPS
MIKE: [Jerry Lewis voice] Oy! Could you stop it with the noise and the
yelling and the schmelding---oy!
>AND LOCAL BULLETIN BOARD MESSAGE AREAS
TOM: DANGER WILL ROBINSON! WOOP! WOOP! WOOP! DANGER! DANGER! WOOP! WOOP!
>THAT I KNEW.
CROW: [Slowly loosening up] Phew. Is it over?
MIKE: [Wiping brow] I think so.
TOM: I really hate it when he does that.
MIKE: A little edgy, eh?
TOM: Been better.
>I then waited to watch the money come in...prepared to maybe
>receive about $1000 to $1500 in cash or so....
CROW: I thought my standards were low enough already!
TOM: Now I trust no one.
>But what a welcome surprise when those envelopes kept coming in!!!
CROW: Envelopes! Envelopes! I was swimmin' in 'em, I was!
>I knew what they were
MIKE: Yes, Sacha, they're letters.
CROW: Yup, this kid's going places.
>as soon as I saw the return addresses from people all over the world-
>Most from the U.S., but some from Canada, even some from Australia!
CROW: And they were ALL EX-CONS!
>I tell you, THAT WAS EXCITING!!
MIKE: Oh, yes! Better than sex!
TOM: Pah! How would YOU know?
MIKE: Oh, I'll moytalize ya!
>So how much did I get in total return?
CROW: [Bumpkin] Eh, fahv, sax, seven, a-sixteen!
>$1000? $5000? Not even!!!
TOM: [Perky] Not likely!!!
>I received a total of $23,343!!!
MIKE: He really has to fire that accountant.
>I couldn't believe it!!
CROW: Just like everybody else.
[To Be Continued...]