MiSTED: Deathstroke, the Terminator - Annual #3 part 2/2
Jessica Wolfman
(Deathstroke, in costume, is standing over Wintergreen's
grave, as per the flashback.]
CHAPTER TWO
ALL: Electric Boogaloo!
Deathstroke: "Wintergreen, your hunch was right."
MIKE: "It *was* Colonel Mustard in the library with the candlestick."
Deathstroke (con'd): "I shouldn't be surprised they lied to
us."
TOM: They're Democrats.
Deathstroke (con'd): "That's the way governments have always
operated."
CROW: Sans anesthesia.
Deathstroke (con'd): "Little could I know I was a failed
prototype that led to genocide!"
MIKE: So in 500 years, he's done *how* much research?
Deathstroke (con'd): "But you've helped me again, old
friend. For too long I was without purpose. Now I know what
we have to do.
(Genetix begin sneaking up on Deathstroke.)
TOM (as Harley Quinn): Sneak, sneak, sneak!
If they let me into heaven, I'll see you soon."
CROW (as Deathstroke): "But if they send me to the other place, I'll
*meet* you soon."
MIKE (as Deathstroke):"Hey, wait a minute. I'm Buddhist!"
Deathstroke (con'd): "But before I die, the humans who still
remain need a helping hand."
MIKE (French accent): "Though I die, the resistance lives on."
"We're going to reclaim our planet."
CROW: Do they still have their claim ticket?
(Genetix leap out and begin firing. Their guns go
"Zwipppp.")
CROW: It's zwipping again!
TOM: Isn't there a rule about that? Aren't they supposed to wait an
hour after eating?
A Genetix: "Kill him!"
CROW: What? Again?
(More guns are firing, and Deathstroke is dodging. The guns
go "Barooommm" and "Zwippp.")
Slade had heard the _rustling_ behind him,
TOM: I thought it was a 'zwipppp.'
knew they were closing in and readied his hand to draw his
weapon.
CROW: Ewww! In public?
Even as he fired back, his mind was _racing._
MIKE: It wasn't winning any medals, though.
He knew there was virtually no way to kill the Genetix,
TOM: They regenerate three hit points per round.
but now he understood _why._
They were exactly like _him._
CROW: Transvestite lumberjacks?
Their _healing_factor_ would bring them back from near-
death. He could _blow_
CROW: Um, I'm not touching that one.
MIKE: Good.
them apart and they would stay that way, but they would
never actually _die._
TOM: Sort of like those people who follow the Grateful Dead.
(The Genetix have caught up to Deathstroke and are pouncing
on him.)
But there was an _another_ way.
MIKE: An *underlined* way.
TOM: A curds and whey.
CROW: The highway.
If he could _live_long_enough_
MIKE: Williard Scott would wish him a happy birthday.
to implement it.
A Genetix: "You still live, even when we rip you apart?"
TOM: Did you see the body?
MIKE: Well, no...
TOM: What did you expect? This is a comic book!
A Genetix: "What are you, human?"
MIKE: Umm... human?
TOM (singing): I am the very model of a modern major general!
A Genetix: "How are you like us?"
CROW: We're both pink giant bunny rabbits?
Deathstroke: "I'm not like you."
MIKE: What a sec. Just a couple of panels back, he said that he *was*
just like them! God, can't they even keep the continuity straight in
the *same book?*
(Deathstroke shoots the Genetix, silently.)
Deathstroke: "I could never be like you!"
MIKE: I mean, *look* at you! How do you stay so slim?
CROW: This time, his weapons make no noise at all! No "zwipppp",
no "bambam," no nothin' It's a sign that this comic has gone over
budget for sure.
(More Genetix run to attack him.)
MIKE: Lemmings, ho!
A Genetix: "You will die, human."
A Genetix: "You will all perish!"
TOM: Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.
A Genetix: "Genetix are the future of earth!"
MIKE: This *is* the future! It's five hundred years in the future!
TOM: They're not talking about the not-too-distant future, Mike.
CROW (singing): I believe the Genetix are the future
(He's still firing. This time the gun goes "Zwipp!"
Deathstroke: "Like hell!"
TOM: Y'know, even when it has the same general sound effect, that gun
has a variable number of 'p's.
(Genetix pile on Deathstroke.)
There were too many of them to fight, and Slade knew he had
to get away.
TOM & CROW: Run away! Run away!
MIKE (as announcer): "Slade Wilson! You just got the crap beaten out of
you! Where are you gonna go now?"
TOM (as Deathstroke): "I'm going to Earth C!"
He pushed them back...
(Deathstroke tosses something that looks not unlike a Star
Trek TOS communicator. It has a little light that's
blinking.)
...his fingers scrambling to find the _explosives_ he had
readied -
MIKE: Where is he getting all this extra stuff from? This is the first
time we've heard about any explosives.
CROW: He must have Wakko's gaggy bag.
TOM: You know, he really should start writing his equipment down on his
character sheet.
- and then -
TOM: ...Slowly he turned, step by step, inch by inch...
(Big explosion. It goes "Barooomm." Genetix are hurled away)
CROW: John Brome?
TOM: No, he's from Barsoom.
Deathstroke: "It would normally take you a month to revive.
When you did, you'd regret your immortality as I do mine?"
CROW: 500 years has not done much for your grammar, Slade, has it?
Deathstroke (con'd): "But I'm going to save you that pain."
MIKE: In a U.S. savings bond.
TOM: He's going to take them to a Jerry Lewis film festival. They'd die
of boredom.
(Deathstroke stalks away.)
Deathstroke (con'd): "Which is the only thing I regret."
MIKE: Being nice to people sucks, man.
CROW: *I* regret nothing.
(Deathstroke, carrying a *huge* bag over his shoulder, is
walking through yet more rubble and into a building.)
TOM: Even after the apocalypse, Santa delivers!
The remains of what had been Georgetown lay a mile from the
center of _Washington D.C._
TOM: And even though it's after the apocalypse, there *still* isn't any
parking there.
Once it has been an upscale community
CROW: Now, it's garbage.
filled with expensive brownstones
MIKE: And brown-nosers.
and Diplomatic missions.
Slade knew that before he was done, all this opulence would
be completely _destroyed._
TOM: He's going to turn it into Anacostia.
(He pushes a bookcase aside and finds a secret door. He
enters the door and walks down some stairs.)
CROW (as Shaggy): Gee, Scoob, you think this a good idea?
The _Metro_train_tunnels__
MIKE: You know, I've been on the Metro. It doesn't deserve being
underlined.
CROW: After 500 years, they *still* haven't finished the Green line.
under Washington had been forgotten by _most,_
TOM: Since when do bank cards give out directions?
but not by him.
MIKE: The extremely useful *Pentagon* was *also* forgotten by most.
(Rats scurry about. Some get to close and Deathstroke smacks
them with his sack.)
[Crow opens his beak to talk.]
MIKE (shutting Crow's mouth): Don't.
Remember, he was there when the tunnels were _built_ over
five hundred years ago.
Though there had been some _modifications_ since then.
MIKE: Yeah, they had extracted the rest of that sentence.
CROW: And they had given this place a plot canal. It's sort of like a
root canal, only it sucks out all the interesting parts of the story.
TOM: This story *had* interesting sections?!?
(Deathstroke has come to a high-tech, circular door.)
MIKE: And scratched a queer sign on the door.
Deathstroke: "Barred!"
CROW: Great! Now disbar him!
Deathstroke: "And poor me without the access code."
TOM: Aww, and is da po' widdle man widout da access code?
Deathstroke: "What must a fella do?"
MIKE: I dunno. Whip out another brand-new, never-before-seen weapon
from your bag of many things?
(Deathstroke pulls out a tube. Flames shoot out one end of
it with a "Whoomp!")
MIKE: Told you so.
TOM: Sounds like Jughead fell out of bed again this morning.
(Shot of Deathstroke's eye - he's reacting to something he
sees beyond the door.)
CROW: I don't think I can take any more sound effects right now. I need
a break. Let's go, guys.
TOM: But. but I want to see what's behind the door! Oh, all right.
[Door sequence.]
[SoL Bridge. Mike, Crow, and the Genetix PR Guy are playing a board
game and are really concentrating on it. Tom is off to the side reading
a book.]
CROW (to the Genetix): Your turn.
[Lights start to flash. The Genetix rolls some dice and moves his
piece.]
GENETIX PR GUY: Mike?
[Mike reaches for the dice. The Genetix and Crow study the board. Tom
glances up and notices the lights.]
TOM: Oh, hey, guys, the castle's calling.
[Mike reaches over and taps the lights, and then goes back to
the game.]
[Castle Forrester. Pearl, Bobo, and Observer sitting around reading
various books and magazines. There's a knock at the door. Pearl
grumbles but gets up to answer it. We hear the door creak open.]
PEARL (OS): Oh, hey! Hi! Come on in!
[Pearl escorts Deathstroke into Castle Forrester]
PEARL: Now watch your step, there's still a couple of hairballs left
over from when Bobo was sick. Ah, Bobo, Brain Guy, I'd like to
introduce my dear friend, Deathstroke the Terminator.
OBSERVER: Observer. A pleasure to meet you.
BOBO: Say, that's an interesting mask. Do you wear that because you're
as ugly as Brain Guy? [Deathstroke pulls out a gun and "Zap"s Bobo]
Aaagh!
OBSERVER: [smiling] Would you like some tea?
DEATHSTROKE: Why yes, thank you.
[Angry crowd noises are heard coming from both in- and outside the
castle. Deathstroke looks over his shoulder and sees about 100,000
Genetix warriors invading the castle. He takes out his Gun and starts
shooting them.]
DEATHSTROKE: Camomile if you have it.
HIS GUN: Zwipp. Skreee. Bambam. Bam. Whoomp.
PEARL: So tell me, what were you thinking when you found all those poor
slobs hiding under Georgetown?
OBSERVER: I know I would have felt like I had come home. Home to a
people who could understand my trials and tribulations. People who
could take me into their arms and-
BOBO: You mean like that girl who always comes over to watch Sliders
with you?
DEATHSTROKE: No. Mostly I just felt that they were a complication that
I didn't want or need. I'm not any more human than the Genetix are,
really.
GUN: Zrak. Vreee. Spooo. Gronk. Arf. Moo. Quack.
PEARL (grinning): So, this immortality of yours, it basically prevents
you from escaping eternal torments, right?
BOBO: Say does that costume of yours ever give you a wedgie like mine
does?
OBSERVER: Bobo, you're not wearing a costume.
DEATHSTROKE: Well, you saw what happened when the Genetix burned me at
the stake. That's the kind of thing that makes me regret my
immortality. An no, I never get wedgies.
GUN: Buurp. Squish. Waaahh. Mama. Teeheehee. Doggie. Booboo.
[They all stare at the Gun in stunned silence. Then...]
GUN: What. Are. You. Looking. At?
ALL: Oh, nothing.
[Back to SoL.]
CROW: There! Now I have hotels on both Park Place *and* Boardwalk!
MIKE (bemused): But we're playing Parcheesi!
[Movie Sign lights flare and chaos ensues.]
ALL: Comic sign!
[Door sequence.]
(Slade is standing in a large underground city. A lot of
humans in ragged clothing are staring at him.)
Slade had heard tales of a _refuge_camp_ hidden under
Washington. Humans who managed to _escape_ Genetix recon
missions.He assumed if they were humans, they would be like
nomads, hunched over campfires.
A Man: "Who--? How did you find us?"
MIKE: Um, the script led me here?
A Boy: "Daddy, is he one of them!?!"
CROW: Does he look like a giant ant to you?
The Boy's Mother: "Stand back, Sim. He might hear you!"
MIKE: SimChild! New by Maxis!
Deathstroke couldn't have been _further_ from the truth if
he had found them living on one of the _Mars_colonies._
TOM: So J'on J'onz finally decided to rent out some condos. It's about
time.
Before him was a full-blown _refuge_city!_
MIKE: Built entirely out of Legos!
A Man: "Who are you?"
CROW: Are you a good Deathstroke or a bad Deathstroke?
A Man: "And what does he want with us?"
A Man: "He masks his face. He must be one of them."
A Man: "Tell us, man. Should we kill you now?
MIKE: Wait 'till next Tuesday. I'll have some free time then.
Same Man (con'd): "Are you one of them?"
TOM: Yes, I *am* a giant ant.
Deathstroke: "One of those mutant Genetix? Me?
(Deathstroke drops his huge sack. Dead Genetix and Genetix
body parts fly out of it.)
Deathstroke (con'd): Hell, I'm your damned savior!"
CROW: Tell us what to think for ourselves, O damned savior!
(Large numbers of people are lining up.)
There were nearly _five_thousand_ of them. They were
_suspicious_ of the stranger,
MIKE: Mostly 'cause he was carrying around all those guns.
but they _listened._
MIKE: Mostly 'cause he was carrying around all those guns.
TOM: They didn't want to get "zwipppped" at.
(Deathstroke begins working the crowd.)
Deathstroke: "The Genetix Communications Centrex"
CROW: Centrex?
Deathstroke (con'd): "is above us."
ALL: How con-*veee*-nent.
Deathstroke (con'd): "Their weaponry is made here and
shipped to all Genetix camps."
MIKE: You know, when I went to camp all we got gimp to make keychains
out of.
TOM: You know, they really ought to try de-centralization for a change.
Deathstroke: "But Washington is their home base."
MIKE: And he's rounding second, going to third, and he's going all the
way to Washington!
TOM & CROW: [crowd cheering noises]
Deathstroke: "If we destroy this plant, we will cripple
them. We are not their slaves."
CROW: Are you sure? We haven't gotten paid in five hundred years.
Deathstoke (con'd): "We do not exist for them to murder us,
to experiment on us, or to humiliate on us."
MIKE (as refugee): "I do."
Deathstroke (con'd): "We have one chance for humans to stop
hiding in these rat holes and to stand under the sun."
CROW: Because if we stood on it, we'd burn our feet.
Deathstroke: "Mankind must live again!"
A Man: "We're safe here. They don't know we exist. Why risk
everything?"
TOM: We'll give you a free T-shirt.
CROW: And the guy who can't die tells you to.
Deathstroke: "Yeah, you're safe. Safe like laboratory rats!"
TOM (as Pinky): "Gee, Brain, what are we going to do tonight?"
Deathstroke (con'd): "Safe like the dead are safe. But
humanity wasn't meant to be safe."
CROW: The Genetix sure think so!
Deathstroke (con'd): "We were meant to be free!"
MIKE: After a mail-in rebate. Plus shipping and handling.
Deathstroke: "Do-you-want-to-be-free?"
(All hands shoot up. Many are carrying weapons.)
Maybe they were safe in their protected world, but his
_words_ lifted their _spirits_ for the first time in
centuries.
CROW: Using the Wonderbra!
They gathered their things and _followed_ him past the
detector-shields to _reclaim_the_promised_land!_
MIKE: To the land of milk and honey!
TOM: Yeah, but this is D.C. they're talking about. You can't trust
*any* promises made there.
(Genetix headquarters, exterior. It's a big bunker-like
building.)
Genetix Commander: "You rouse me from my sleep. This had
better be good. Well, what is it?"
A Genetix: "The screens, sir...look."
TOM: They're making everything lighter, sir.
CROW: We just installed them in our submarine, sir
MIKE: Aren't those flying toasters cool?
(Interior headquarters. A bunch of Genetix are milling
around, and two of them are staring into a giant monitor.)
CROW (motherly voice): Don't sit so close to the TV, you'll go blind.
Genetix Commander: "I can't understand these damnable
things. What is it?"
MIKE: It's a *screen!*
CROW: They guy's in charge and he doesn't know what a screen is? He
must be Dilbert's boss.
TOM: It's called padding. They're setting up the scene here.
Same Genetix: "Bio forms, ummm- Homo sapiens, sir. Thousands
of them.
CROW: [as Hudson] "They're all over the place, man! They're everywhere!
Game over, man, game over!"
Same Genetix (con'd): "They just appeared on the scanners."
MIKE: "What? I thought you said they appeared on the screen!"
TOM: Hand scanner or flatbed?
Same Genetix: "They're underground, heading for the river."
Genetix Commander: "They're trying to escape, that's what
they're doing."
CROW: Well, that'll be the *third* Kurt Russell movie: Escape from D.C.
Genetix Commander: "The humans must not be allowed to
leave."
CROW: We still have all these leftovers to give out.
Genetix Commander (con'd): "Hunt them down."
(Exterior view. Genetix are leaving on hover disks and heavy
tanks, armed for bear.)
Genetix Commander (VO): "Then dispose of them."
MIKE: Do you know how long it takes humans to decompose? The landfill
will be full in no time if you keep using disposable humans.
Genetix Commander (VO, con't): "Let their deaths be a lesson
to their kind! The Genetix will not be denied!"
TOM: The Genetix will not be undersold!"
(The mass of people are marching and singing cheerfully.)
People: "We march for freedom proud! We shout for freedom
loud!"
ALL: (singing): Do you the hear the people sing / It is the song of
angry men / It is the music of a people who will not be slaves again.
A Man: "Deathstroke, what will you do once we're away from
the city?"
Deathstroke: "It's best you don't know."
CROW: I'm going to sell pancakes!
A Man: "This is the way outside. What if they're waiting for
us?
Deathstroke: "Then we march through them!"
TOM: Um... *they* can't die *either. * What will marching through them
do, exactly?
A Woman: "The sun?!?"
CROW: No, the daughter.
MIKE: Uh, no, that's Jupiter. You folks haven't seen the sky in a
*long* time, have you?
A Man: "We're free!"
A Man: "Free at last!"
They marched until their feet grew sore and their tempers
_flared._
TOM: Uh-oh. I'll give them three panels until they get attacked.
A Man: "Stop! We want to know where we're going."
MIKE: Don't get me wrong, we're glad to be leaving D.C.
TOM: Second star to the right, and straight on 'till morning.
Same Man (con'd): "We were protected before. Now we can be
killed!"
Deathstroke: "That's right - now you'll have to fight for
your freedom."
(a laser beam strikes the ground near the people.
Deathstroke whirls around.)
Deathstroke (con'd): "They've found us!"
CROW: Now *we're* 'it!'"
(The Genetix are attacking. Deathstroke pulls on his mask
and leaps to fight back.)
Deathstroke (con'd): "You weren't safe - you were already as
good as dead."
TOM: Only the good die young.
Deathstroke (con'd): "But if I'm going to die, then I'll die
fighting to save what little there is left of humanity."
MIKE (monotone): Oh, the humanity.
CROW: You mean humanity is quantifiable?
TOM: In 'Vampire' it is.
Deathstroke (con'd): "Who's with me?"
MIKE: Not me.
TOM: Not me.
CROW: Not me.
(Deathstroke fells a hover disk using his flamethrower-tube,
which goes "Whoom."
Deathstroke: "Who believes in justice?"
MIKE: What? In D.C.?
TOM: I believe that for every drop of rain, a flower must grow.
(He shoots his flamethrower-tube again. This time it goes
"Skrakkk."
Deathstroke: "Who believes in freedom?"
TOM: Freedom at the point of a 'skrakkk' gun?
(The humans begin arming themselves.)
A Man: "He's right! Let's show those Genetix what the human
race is made of!"
CROW: Blood.
MIKE: Guts.
TOM: Bones.
MIKE: Skin.
CROW: Teeth.
TOM: Hair.
MIKE: Toenails.
TOM: Mucous.
CROW: Miscellaneous squishy bits.
TOM: Tri-phospho-lipids.
MIKE: What?
CROW: And stupidity. Lots of it.
MIKE: Hey!
(The Genetix are busy getting ready. The Genetix Commander
is peering through some binoculars at the assembled humans.)
TOM: It's sand people, all right.
Genetix Commander: "Four thousand, perhaps five. But they
fight like trapped animals. And, to say the least, they are
ill-equipped."
CROW: And bad-mannered.
Genetix Commander (con'd): "I suspect we will suffer only
minimal losses."
MIKE: Right, a villain underestimating the good guys.
TOM: That's never happened before.
MIKE: Well, he's dead.
Genetix Commander: "Five hundred years ago the scientists
sought perfection. We are proof of their success."
TOM: But science doesn't deal with proofs!
CROW: If you're so perfect, how come you can't off Deathstroke after
500 years of trying?
Genetix Commander (con'd): "Physically, they are slower,
weaker then we, and far less resilient."
MIKE: Genetix get a +2 to their CON and DEX.
CROW: But the humans get a bonus for good grammar.
TOM: But Marv Wolfman is a human.
CROW: All right; scratch that bonus.
(Many armed Genetix have gathered, ready to fight.)
Genetix Commander (con'd): "As they replaced their
predecessors, we replace them. But evolution cannot wait for
their end! It is up to us!"
MIKE (as Genetix Commander): "And our monosyllabic brothers."
Genetix Commander (con'd): "Destroy the humans!"
CROW: And their little dogs, too!
MIKE (singing): Kill the wabbit! Kill the wabbit!
Oh, the Genetix knew a _thousand_ of their own soldiers
would die,
CROW: Well can the Genetix die or not? Make up your mind.
TOM (as a Python): "We're not dead yet."
but they didn't care.
MIKE: They used Kaiser Permanente.
(Explosions and laser bolts. Something goes "Zwipp."
Deathstroke and some of the refugees leap to attack and
throw grenades.)
The _concept_ of living beside each other was...
_unacceptable._
CROW: Property values would crash.
Perhaps they thought of themselves as the next logical step
in evolution... ...and if they were right, then God had been
playing a very _cruel_joke_ on mankind.
CROW: Hahaha. God is *such* a joker.
TOM (French accent): "And your God, he is the biggest bitch of them
all."
(The grenade explodes, blowing bits of a tank and going
"Barooomm."
Deathstroke leaps into the tank.)
But Slade knew better.
MIKE: Yeah, all the gods go to Slade for advice.
Man was born to _tame_ his world, not destroy it. He knew
that to _save_ the Earth, he would have to _sacrifice
himself._
CROW: Hasn't this entire book been about how he wants to die?
MIKE: In that respect, we're rooting for him.
(Another explosion. This one goes "Bakrarammm.")
TOM: The sound effects are getting stranger and stranger.
(Some guy is using the tank to blow up Genetix. "Barooom.")
A Man: "Deathstroke shows us the way!"
MIKE: Two lights down, and left at the gas station.
CROW (singing):"How to get to Sesame Street."
TOM: And he shows us how to live in the "Now".
Same Man (con'd): "We will be free!"
(Miscellaneous explosions and gunfire goes "Krakablam,"
"Zwippp," "Bambam," "Bam," and "Bam.")
MIKE: Looks like the got their sound effects wholesale.
TOM: Yeah, from the Cartoon Network.
Same Man (con'd): "They're dead? We won?"
CROW: But- but- but Marv said the Genetix couldn't die!
[Mike picks up Tom. He and Crow start to leave.]
A Man: "By God, we won!"
TOM (as Don Pardo): "A *new car!*"
CROW & MIKE: [crowd cheering noises.]
[They leave the theater.]
[Door sequence.]
[Castle Forrester. Pearl, Observer, Bobo, and Deathstroke are sitting
around a table. Pearl et al are still staring at the Gun. Deathstroke,
who is not paying much attention to anything is firing at the
surrounding Genetix casually while sipping tea.]
GUN: Somewhere. Over. The. Rainbow.
OBSERVER: Sir, doesn't your gun ever need reloading?
DEATHSTROKE: We're from a comic book; normal physics doesn't apply.
BOBO: But Punisher has to reload his guns.
DEATHSTROKE: Do I look like Punisher to you?
BOBO: Well, sure. With a small change of costume and personality and
armament, you'd be a spitting image.
GUN: Take. Me. Out. To. The. Ball. Game.
PEARL: [angrily] Will you shut that gun up!
DEATHSTROKE: But then the Genetix will overrun us.
PEARL: Idiot! They're my new minions!
DEATHSTROKE: [stops firing] They're what? Uh-oh. [He looks
sheepish.]
[SoL. Mike and the 'bots are listening the Genetix PR Guy.]
GENETIX PR GUY: You see, a lot of the inflammatory quotes in
Deathstroke Annual #3 were taken out of context. For instance, when the
Genetix commander said "The humans must not be allowed to leave," Mr.
Wolfman cut off part of the sentence. He actually said: "the humans
must not be allowed to leave without getting their passports stamped."
MIKE: OK, but what about when he said, "Let their deaths be a
lesson to their kind!" That seems pretty straightforward.
GENETIX PR GUY: Mike... 'bots... there was a whole minute of dialogue
that Mr. Wolfman just snipped to make the Genetix look bad. There was a
touching discussion about how the hoo-mon. sorry, *human* migration
would have harmful impacts on the endangered Georgetown skunk, and that
their deaths would weigh heavily on the consciences of the thoughtless
humans.
TOM: He may be right. You know how ecologically naive humans can
be.
MIKE: What about k. d. lang?
GENETIX PR GUY (grins fiendishly): Oh, don't worry, we'll get her. [he
composes himself] I... I mean, we'll show her the error of her ways.
CROW: I'll help. Oops, we've got comics sign!
[Door sequence.]
(Deathstroke and the refugees have commandeered some tanks
and are driving them away.)
Slade knew better, but chose to say _nothing._ At the moment
the truth didn't matter. They commandeered a Genetix tank
and drove onward...
TOM: Down the Indy 500.
(They come to the bridge. About halfway across there's a
huge gap in it.)
A Person: "Look! The bridge--it's been destroyed. How do we
get across now?"
CROW: Oh, swimming, pontooning, build a new bridge...
TOM: You could fix it using coconuts?
A Man: "Some savior you are, Deathstroke.
MIKE: (as Deathstroke): What, with a name like "Deathstroke", you
thought I was supposed to *save* you?
Same Man (con'd): "What do we do now?"
TOM: We could join hands and sing...
A Woman: "They'll kill us all. We were safer in the
catacombs."
CROW: Some Amantillado, Montressor?
A Man: "We thought you knew what you were doing.
MIKE: Well, that was your first mistake.
Same Man (con'd): "We trusted you to save us!"
TOM: And that was your second mistake.
(Deathstroke addresses the crowd from atop a tank.)
MIKE: Postage insufficient.
[Crow makes rimshot noise.]
Deathstroke: "I can't save you. You've got to fight for
yourselves. And you've got to believe in yourself before you
can do that! Hell is all that waits back there."
MIKE: But we left my grandmother back there.
TOM (as Deathstroke): "Like I said, hell is all that waits back there."
Deathstroke: "And maybe all that's ahead is a lot of sweat
and death and fear."
MIKE: And this is supposed to *encourage* us somehow?
CROW: (Monotone): "Yay, sweat and death and fear."'
TOM: Wasn't that a 60s band?
Deathstroke (con'd): "But, if we're very lucky, there's a
little bit of hope, too."
MIKE: Trapped at the bottom of the box.
Deathstroke: "I don't give a damn what you do."
TOM: My, what an inspiring leader.
Deathstroke (con'd): "Anyone who wants to join me, let's get
moving."
MIKE: Let's get ready to *rumble!*
He understood their fear and _prayed_ the indefatigable
_human_spirit_ would win out. And one... ...by one-
TOM: They marched like lemmings off a cliff
MIKE & CROW (singing): The human spirits go marching one by one,
hooray, hooray
--you could _see_ the fear dissolve in eyes which grew
_firm_
CROW: Saaayyy...
MIKE: Eyes, Crow, *eyes.*
(The crowd begins cheering him and shouting "We fight!")
_And_resolute_ Some swore he was a _hero,_ others reviled
him as a _villain,_ but I think this was the moment when
Deathstroke became the _legend_ we speak of today.
MIKE: So he became Ridley Scott's worst effort?
CROW: No, he was Tom Cruise before he learned to act.
TOM: No, he got his horn cut off.
CROW: Ooo, that must be painful.
MIKE: But he looked real good in that Demon Prince makeup.
(Deathstroke and the other people begin hauling giant ropes
around. Deathstroke grabs one end of the rope and dives
underwater with it.)
One of the bridge's _suspension_ropes_ had fallen onto the
beach when the bridge was destroyed. It took a _hundred_ of
them to drag it to him. But he carried it _alone_ into the
_river._ The bridge's _main_cables_ lay at the river bottom.
It took twelve attempts and the better part of the day to
_tie_ the two together. He didn't wonder _if_ they could do
it. They simply _would._ There was no other _choice._
MIKE: Resistance is futile.
CROW: I choose raspberry.
Deathstroke: "All right. Let's do it."
CROW: Not tonight dear, I have a headache.
(The people, sweating and grunting, begin hauling on the
line.)
Five thousand of them, young, old, male, female.
MIKE: Small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri.
TOM: Must. Resist. Correct. Grammar.
The strong and the weak.
MIKE: The electromagnetism and the gravity.
Together, they _pulled._
CROW: But honey, you're supposed to *push.*
They pulled as if their _lives_ depended on it.
TOM: Even Tolkien's narration didn't go on this long.
CROW: Well, their lives kinda did depend on it.
Can you imagine their _pain?_ Their _agony?_
MIKE: We're reading this thing, aren't we?
(The bridge slowly rises.)
CROW: The bridge *also* rises.
They didn't have _powers_ like Deathstroke.
CROW: They didn't have his terrible fashion sense either.
TOM: But they did have powers like Jimmy Olsen.
Their cuts and bruises wouldn't _heal._
CROW: Ever. They'll just fester and ooze and attract flies!
They were simply _people._
TOM: But people can be paladins, and they have no level limits...
In Deathstroke's mind,
MIKE: As small as that was...
_they,_not_he,_were_the_heroes._
TOM (as announcer): "Be a teacher. Be a hero."
MIKE: Shouldn't this be called the 5000 People Annual #3?
(Helicopters begin massing in the sky. Several people start
firing guns at them.)
But as they pulled the bridge cable up to the beach...
...they heard the attack.
CROW: Damn, it's Christmas season already.
A Woman: "Deathstroke! We need you!"
MIKE (motherly voice): Not now, dear, we're under attack.
(Deathstroke grabs his gun and gazes into the sky.)
Deathstroke: "Don't stop! You know what to do!"
CROW (sleazy voice): You know how I like it, baby.
Even as he ran forward, he was in _action._
TOM: I thought that was Arnold Schwartzeneger and some dorky kid.
(Deathstroke dodges some laser blasts that go "Bam. Bam.
Bam. Bam."
MIKE: Pebbles, Pebbles.
(He jumps up and grabs hold of a helicopter. He then kicks
the Genetix who's piloting it out. The Genetix crashes
through the window with a "Skrashh.")
Deathstroke: "There's no time to waste. One more job, then
it's back to the city!"
CROW: "One more job"? Oh, it's the 45-minute plot twist.
(He leans out the window of the helicopter and waves to the
people below.)
Deathstroke: "Handle the copters. I've got a bridge to
raise."
TOM (country voice): It's a good old fashioned bridge raisin', just
like back in Amish country.
Slade attached the _rope_ to the copter, then began to
_lift_ the _cable._ He held his breath.
TOM: Sounds like he's trying to lift the Blob, not Cable.
The cable _held!_ The people continued to _pull_
CROW: [makes a gunshot noise]
on the _rope_ connected to the cable and the bridge road...
...while the _fighting continued._
(Refugees are firing guns and tanks at the helicopters. The
guns go "Bam. Bam. Bam. Whammo. Blamm." Numerous helicopters
blow up)As fast as they came at them, Genetix helicopters
were blown out of the sky.
MIKE: That's amazing; not even the fight scenes are interesting.
(The bridge has been raised.)
Deathstroke: "Let's go, let's go!"
MIKE: Flee! Run for your lives!
Deathstroke (VO): "And hurry! The bridge won't hold up for
long!"
Helping each other, they rushed across. Once they entered
into Virginia
TOM: Remember, Virginia is for lovers.
they would continue west, then south
CROW: Then east, and then north again! There's really no point to it.
over the Blue Ridge Mountains.
Deathstroke: "You should be in Tennessee within a week."
MIKE: Mind you, you won't be any safer there.
TOM: Not that it matters. Its after the apocalypse, there *is* no
Tennessee.
CROW: No, no, he meant "tennis shoes". They're all barefoot.
Deathstroke: "I'll meet you there."
(The helicopter Deathstroke is in flies away.)
Deathstroke _lied._ He had no intention of meeting them.
Slade Wilson knew that before the day ended, he would
_dead!_
MIKE (singing): This'll be the day that I die.
CROW: Slade knew he'd be dead, but did Deathstroke?
(Deathstroke is standing at a computer terminal. On the
screens are images of what is either a bomb or a Starfleet
shuttlecraft.)
He returned to the _vaults_ under the _Pentagon...._
Deathstroke: "Everything's set. Wintergreen, old friend,
we're going to be together again very, very soon."
CROW: And then, yes, I *will* be Mrs. Slade Wintergreen!
Deathstroke: "The Pentagon kept bio-wafer records of every
nuclear device in place under Washington."
MIKE: After the Clinton administration, they were a bit better about
keeping their presidents in check.
TOM: Plus this is the DC universe; they give away nuclear weapons in
cereal boxes.
Deathstroke (con'd): "Paranoid bureaucrats... never knew if
they would have to blow the place to hell and back."
CROW: Since when do paranoid bureaucrats have access to nukes?
(Deathstroke pushes a big red button.)
Deathstroke (con'd): "Maybe they weren't so paranoid at
that. There. Sixty minutes."
MIKE: A news magazine.
Deathstroke (con'd): "The city, the Genetix, and me... "
ALL (singing): Someday we'll find it / The rainbow connection / the
city, the Genetix, and me.
Deathstroke (con'd): "we'll all go up together."
ALL (singing): We will all go together when we go / All suffused with
an incandescent glow...
Deathstroke: "Complete and total disintegration."
CROW: And *we* have the only re-integrator pistol.
Deathstroke (con'd): "The only thing that'll keep us down."
TOM: Sentence fragments. The only thing that'll keep us down.
Deathstroke (con'd):"Always wanted to die big!"
MIKE: Live small, die big.
TOM: But he'll just die wide.
ELVIS: Just like Elvis.
Deathstroke (con'd): "This is my chance"
MIKE: To be a star.
(On the monitor is an image of a small, crying child,
dressed in a blue and red jacket, with a red hat.)
Deathstroke: "The monitor! My God!"
CROW: It's full of stars!
(Deathstroke, baby in hand, is running though the rubble,
getting closer and closer. There are no Genetix anywhere in
sight.)
They say that in the mass exodus of Washington, a _baby_ had
been left behind. Is it true?
TOM: I thought it was a drunken college student.
MIKE: No, it's an urban legend.
CROW: Like Tom Cruise before-
MIKE: STOP!
Or only a _fiction_ to explain why Deathstroke, who had
decided to sacrifice
MIKE: A goat?
CROW: A virgin?
TOM: A virgin goat?
MIKE: His knight on Queen four?
TOM & CROW: Huh?
himself to take out the Genetix... ...instead found himself
running to _live._
MIKE: He needed to get his cholesterol down.
Twenty minutes remained. Genetix surrounded the helicopter.
Fifteen.
TOM: ...tons and what do you get? / Another day older and deeper in
debt.
A knife cut into his heart. He kept fighting even as he
twisted it out.
(The child's hat falls off. There are still no Genetix in
sight.)
Ten.
MIKE: It's Terry McGuinness's love interest.
They pulled him down, shot him and stabbed him.
CROW: Rasputin?
They tried to blow him up.
TOM: Wile E. Coyote?
(He's still running. Still no Genetix. Also no helicopter.)
CROW: Don't you hate it when the penciller doesn't go by the script?
MIKE: I hate it when the *writer* doesn't go by the script!
Three minutes. The helicopter lifted up as several Genetix
hung from its tail. They pulled themselves into the _cabin._
They tossed in a _grenade._
(Scene shift. A man in a ragged, hooded green jumpsuit - the
narrator - is telling a group of kids the above story.)
Narrator: "That was the last anyone heard of Deathstroke,
the Terminator."
MIKE: At least until the next month's issue came out.
TOM: And the whole continuity was restored.
Narrator: "But his mission was done. The bombs disintegrated
Washington DC,"
MIKE: And there was much rejoicing.
TOM & CROW (monotone): Yayyyy.
Narrator (con'd): "As well as the Genetix soldiers and their
war machines."
CROW: Genocide is fun.
Narrator (con'd): "The human race lived and the Genetix who
survived worked with the humans to build our new world."
TOM: Then they had a picnic, and butterflies came, and there were happy
unicorns, and they all lived happily ever after.
Little Girl: "Did Deathstroke die? What happened?"
CROW: Tune in next week, same Death time, same Death channel.
(The Narrator gets up and begins walking away.)
Narrator (con'd): "Nobody knows."
MIKE: ...the trouble I've seen...
Narrator (con'd): "Perhaps the world, now at peace, no
longer needed Deathstroke."
TOM: He was downsized.
Little Boy: "The baby didn't die, did it?"
(Close up on the Narrator. It's Deathstroke.)
CROW: Ooh. What a shocker.
Deathstroke: "I'm sorry, but I don't know."
MIKE: Don't know much of anything, in fact.
Deathstroke (con'd): "Now excuse me."
TOM: I cut a real juicy one.
Deathstroke (con'd): "I promised my son I'd pick him up at
his school."
MIKE (as the Little Boy): Are you going to kill this one too?
Little Boy: "Will you tell us another Deathstroke story
tomorrow?"
TOM: I'll have to see if there are any in my Titans back issues.
Deathstroke: "Maybe. But I think if Deathstroke were still
alive..."
CROW: He'd be suing the pants off me for royalties.
Deathstroke: "...he'd prefer to just be a reminder of the
way things were."
TOM: Remembering the better days of war and slavery and death.
Deathstroke: "He'd say the world's grown up."
MIKE: And it goes through shoes so fast.
Deathstroke: "With luck we'll never need anyone like him
again."
(Deathstroke walks away.)
THE END
TOM: 'Bout time.
MIKE: Let's roll.
[Door sequence.]
[Tom and Crow, alone on the bridge, are dressed in white cultist robes.
They look hypnotized.]
TOM & CROW (Droning): Genetix good. Humans bad. Genetix good. Humans
bad.
Mike enters holding a bagel.
MIKE: Have you guys seen the cream cheese? [Double take] Hey, what's
going
on here?
TOM & CROW (Droning): Genetix good. Humans bad. Genetix good. Humans
bad.
The Genetix PR Guy enters, accompanied by several Genetix goons. All of
them are heavily armed. The PR Guy points a gun at Mike.
GENETIX PR GUY: I'm sorry, Mike. We've decided that hoo-mons just don't
have a place in our society. Of course, these two are robots, so they
are more than welcome to stay.
The Genetix grab Mike. They drag him over to a convenient stake and tie
him to it, and begin piling wood at the base.
MIKE: Hey, c'mon you two! Snap out of it! They're going to roast me!
TOM & CROW (Droning): Genetix good. Humans bad. Genetix good. Humans
bad.
Gypsy enters, dressed as well in a white cultist robe and looking
equally hypnotized.
GYPSY (Droning): Genetix good. Humans bad. Genetix good. Humans bad.
MIKE (Kirk voice): No! Gypsy! Not you too!
GYPSY: (droning) Sorry Mike. They offered me Richard Baseheart.
MIKE (Kirk voice): No, Gypsy... you... can't... dothis!
GYPSY (droning): Sorry Mike. The needs of the many outweigh the needs
of the few... or the one.
The Genetix begin pouring gasoline on the woodpile. The Genetix PR Guy
holds up a cigarette and a lighter.
GENETIX PR GUY: Any last words, hoo-man?
MIKE: Well, since you asked... <clears throat>
[Patriotic music begins to swell in the background.]
MIKE: From the dawn of time we came, silently down through the
centuries.
When we spoke out, we cried 'freedom'. As sayeth Picard, so too sayeth
I:
What a piece of work is man! How noble in reason. How infinite in
faculty. In form and moving, how express and admirable. In action, how
like an angel; in apprehension, how like a god! You'll learn that man
is a feeling creature, and because of it, the greatest in the world. We
will *not* go quietly into the night! We will *not* be undersold!!
[Genetix PR Guy's beeper goes off, ending the patriotic music.]
GENETIX PR GUY: [looking at his beeper] They finally found k. d. lang.
She takes priority over this nobody. Come on guys.
[All the Genetix leave.]
MIKE: [slipping out of his ropes] I guess I'll have to deprogram
the 'bots *again*.
[Down to the Castle.]
[Tea is over. Deathstroke daintily wipes his beard off with a napkin
and stands up.]
DEATHSTROKE: I want to thank you for the lovely tea, but I really must
be
going.
PEARL: So soon?
DEATHSTROKE: Sadly, yes. It's time for my shift at White Castle
hamburgers.
PEARL: Oh.
[Deathstroke heads towards the door. Then he stops and turns around.]
DEATHSTROKE (bashfully): Um, Pearl, I was wondering. Would you want to,
you know, go out some time?
PEARL: Well, let me check my schedule... Sure!
DEATHSTROKE: Great! Friday at eight?
PEARL (grinning widely): Friday at eight it is. See ya then. [flutters
her eyelashes] Buh-hye.
DEATHSTROKE: Bye.
[Deathstroke leaves.]
PEARL (excited): Ooh! I need a hair appointment, and a manicure, and a
waxing, and a facial, and a pedicure, and a waxing, and I need to get
some new shoes, make some reservations, get a sitter for Bobo...
[Pearl walks off screen, still talking to herself. The Castle is empty
for
a few seconds, and then Pearl pokes her head back in and glares at the
camera.]
PEARL: What are you guys looking at? Haven't you ever seen a woman get
ready for a date before?
[She hits the button.]
\ | /
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- - - O - - -
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Fwishhhh!
DEATHSTROKE, THE TERMINATOR, written by Marv Wolfman, is copyright 1994
DC Comics. Mystery Science Theater 3000 is copyright Best Brains, Inc.
No violation of copyright is intended or implied, nor is any insult to
anyone connected to this comic. After all, most of his comics are
actually pretty good. This MiSTing is by David Lichtenstein, Jesse
Willey, and Jessica Wolfman. It can be found at
http://members.tripod.com/~theguild in it's HTML'ed entirety. Comments,
complaints, and compliments can be sent to loupg...@hotmail.com.
_Kill_me_, he cried! _Kill_me!_
Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/
Before you buy.