MiSTed: Stolen Memories (13/29)
Rottweiler
gathered
around TOM, who is in the middle of telling a story.]
TOM: So the guy turns to bartender and he says...
(Suddenly, the SOL shakes)
TOM: Jeepers H. Christmas!!!
MIKE: Cambot! Give me rocket number nine!
[An exterior shot of the SOL, which is being attacked by a unidentified
alien ship. The ship fires a beam, shaking the SOL again.]
[SOL Bridge. MIKE and the BOTS are throwing themselves around the
bridge
in homage to _Star Trek_. GYPSY enters, stage right.]
GYPSY: Shields are down to 47 percent!
(The SOL shakes yet again)
GYPSY: 20 percent! Another hit and we'll lose the shields!
MIKE: We... must... stopthem!
(The SOL shakes and some stuff explodes in displays of pyrotechnics)
GYPSY: Shields are down and Mike's turning into Shatner!
MIKE: Will... notlet... them... take... myship!
(A FELISTIAN armed with a futuristic-looking gun beams onto the SOL
bridge)
FELISTIAN: We are here to enslave your males. (looks at Mike) Are there
any males here besides you?
GYPSY: No.
TOM: (falsetto) No.
CROW: (falsetto) No.
FELISTIAN: Okay, then I'll just take the chunky guy back to the ship and
we'll be on our way.
TOM: (falsetto) Heh, heh... that's great. Well, Crowina and I are going
to
watch Lifetime now. (hurries off screen)
CROW: (normal voice) We are?
TOM: (falsetto) Yes, we ARE.
CROW: Why?
TOM: (falsetto) Because I said so!
CROW: Geez, Thomasina is so pushy. (walks off-screen)
MIKE: Hey, uh, "girls", you can't just leave me here! HELP!
(CAMBOT starts moving toward Tom's room)
[Tom Servo's Room. TOM and CROW enter.]
CROW: We're not really going to watch Lifetime, are we?
TOM: No, you idiot! We had to come in here so we could use my
interociter
to contact the Canistians.
CROW: The what?
TOM: A race of dog-like aliens I met during the 500 years I wandered the
universe. If anyone can stop the Felistians, it's them. Now, turn
the dial on the interociter.
(CROW does so. A bulldog's face appears on the interociter's triangular
screen.)
TOM: Winston, it's me, Tom Servo! Remember, the guy who helped your
people
defeat the Sciuridaetians?
WINSTON: Ah yes, how could I forget that? We fought on the beaches, we
fought on the landing grounds, we fought in the fields and in
the
streets, we fought in the hills, we never surrendered.
TOM: Yeah, I KNOW all that. But I didn't call you to discuss old times.
My ship is being attacked by cat-like aliens and I need one of your
ships to stop them.
WINSTON: Cat-like, you say? I'll send a ship right away.
TOM: Thanks!
(WINSTON's image disappears)
CROW: (to Tom) YOUR ship?
TOM: Uh...
(CAMBOT leaves Tom's room and returns to the bridge. MIKE and the
FELISTIAN are drinking coffee and talking.)
MIKE: So you see, there's no point in enslaving me. Humans and aliens
simply can't breeed and produce offspring.
FELISTIAN: But then why have we been capturing and enslaving Terran
males
for so long?
MIKE: Because--
(MIKE is interupted by the sounds of dogs barking)
MIKE: (to the FELISTIAN) Just a minute. (turns to CAMBOT) Cambot, give
me
Rocket Number Nine.
[An exterior shot of the SOL. A Canistian ship has arrived and is
barking
at the Felistian ship, which is hissing at the newly-arrived vessel.
Suddenly, the Canistian ship lunges at the Felistian ship, which turns
around and speeds away. The Canistian ship pursues it.]
[SOL Bridge]
FELISTIAN: My ship!
MIKE: (patting her on the shoulder) Aw, don't worry. I'm sure they'll
come
back for you... eventually. And if not, there's an extra cot in
the
boiler room. You could stay with us for a while, maybe even
participate in our experiments. Or if that isn't your thing, we
could just shoot you out the airlock, leaving you to float out
into
space and die a lonesome death. It's up to you.
FELISTIAN: Hmmmm... I think I'll take the airlock, if you don't mind.
MIKE: I kinda thought you would. So, any last requests?
FELISTIAN: Got any catnip on board?
MIKE: (snaps his fingers) Fresh out.
FELISTIAN: Darn. (solemn pause) Well, no time like the present.
MIKE: Right. The airlock's this way.
(MIKE and the FELISTIAN exit, stage right. We hear the airlock opening,
followed by the "rrrroowwwrrr" of the FELISTIAN being jettisoned. Then
we
hear the airlock closing again. MIKE walks back to the bridge.)
MIKE: (singing) Bring in the dog and put out the cat. Yakety yak.
(TOM and CROW enter rapidly)
BOTS: Don't talk back!
(Lights flash, sirens blare, movie sign pandemonium)
MIKE: We've got fanfic sign!
[Dog Bone]
[Door 6]
[Door 5]
[Door 4]
[Door 3]
[Door 2]
[Door 1]
[SOL Theater. MIKE and the BOTS enter and take their seats.]
> "Tell me what happened with Alis - was she the first
> Felistian female you've had sex with."
TOM: (Alistair) I hope you boffed my daughter like there was no
tomorrow,
you horny little devil!
> Julian's blush deepened even further.
> "Sh..she was the first person I ever.. did *it* with."
MIKE: They had a threesome with Cousin It?
> "Go on.. What happened.." Alistair prodded in his best
> doctor's tone, drawing Julian out further.
CROW: (Alistair) Don't worry, I assure you that these are strictly
professional questions.
> "I liked it.."
TOM: Very much.
> "Did you want it?"
MIKE: (Alistair) I want all the juicy details, boy.
> "It was all I could think about since I met her."
> "I see... You enjoyed it?"
TOM: This guy is like Kenneth Starr.
> Julian nodded.
CROW: (Alistair) Did you hate it?
> "A lot?"
MIKE: On a scale of one to ten, what was your overall satisfaction? Do
you
have any suggestions for improvement?
> Julian nodded again turning even redder.
TOM: (Julian) Are you a perv or something?
> Alistair
> wondered how much deeper that shade of red that covered him
> from head to toes could get.
CROW: He wondered if he could get Julian to resemble the candy-apple red
Camaro he'd driven in high school.
> "I wanted.. to do it again..
ALL: (monotone) It was much better with a cat. I'm going to do it again
and again.
> With her... I wanted.. to
> please her... as much as she pleased me.."
MIKE: (Julian) But I never got around to it.
> Alistair felt a faint smile tug at his lips.
CROW: (Alistair) Stop that!
> `Fast learner, most kids his age are too wrapped in getting
> off to worry about whether or not their partner is,' he
> thought.
TOM: Is it wrong that he's concerned about how a stranger is sexually
pleasing his own daughter?
> "And her sister, were you attracted to her just as
> much?"
> Julian shock his head emphatically.
MIKE: (Julian) Take that, head! Zzzzzap!!!
> "*NO*!,
CROW: (Alistair) Sor-REE! I was just asking!
> I just wanted Alis.
TOM: (Julian) Well, her and Lucy Lawless.
> But her sister wouldn't
> listen to me..." He said in a rush, lower lip trembling,
> tears welling up in his eyes.
TOM: Again with the crying!
CROW: Even Alan Alda's not that sensitive!
> "She held me down..
TOM: (singing) But I got up, again. Cause you're never gonna keep me
down.
MIKE and CROW: (singing) Ooh, Danny Boy...
> and threatened me.. clawed me... I
> tried to get away.. But she came after me.. Pounced on me..
> Said she was going to kill me for striking her."
MIKE: Plus, she was going to call PETA and the SPCA.
> A chill ran up Alistair's spine.
CROW: It was practicing the hundred yard dash.
> Men had been killed
> for less in the Felistian Empire.
TOM: Men vill be bred und zlaughtered!
> "Then...she kicked me..
CROW: (singing) And then she kicked me!
> I.. passed out.. I woke up
> somewhere else..
MIKE: Oz?
> And.. I couldn't see.. I couldn't move..
TOM: (Julian) I couldn't groove...
> I
> was tied down..
CROW: (Julian) My schedule was really busy.
> Sh..she... wa..was there... Laughing at me..
> Hurting me.. making me ..."
MIKE: (Julian) ...do the Macarena. It was horrible!
> His voice broke and the tears
> started streaming down his face.
MIKE: Just like Sailor Moon.
TOM: No, her tears gush. There's a difference.
> Alistair moved across the bed to engulf him in a tight
> embrace to stroke at his hair and back soothingly, muttering
> words of comfort,
CROW: (Alistair) There, there...go ahead and cry. I'll go get a quart
of
Ben and Jerry's and we'll do each other's hair.
> letting Julian know he already knew all
> the gruesome details and didn't need to hear them again to
> know what he'd been through.
MIKE: Nor, in fact, do we.
> Julian sobbed in his arms.
TOM: What else is new?
> "It hurt... It so much.. She wouldn't stop.."
CROW: (Julian) ...tickling me.
> "Hush...it's over now..."
MIKE: Oh, if only that were true!
> "She used... m..en.."
TOM: As soon as she got what she wanted, she left them.
CROW: Sheesh, this is turning into a male version of _The Oprah Winfrey
Show_.
> "I know..you don't have to talk about it.. I know."
MIKE: (Alistair) And I'd really prefer it if you stopped mentioning it.
> And
> he did, he'd seen the injuries Julian had sustained in the
> pack rape, the level of shock he'd been in after. He'd
> healed those injuries himself.
TOM: Good thing he'd read that brochure, "So You've Been Pack Raped By
Felistians".
> "It wasn't your fault.
MIKE: (Alistair) Society is to blame.
> You didn't ask for it.. You
> couldn't fight them..
CROW: (Alistair) You were in the War Room.
> They always make sure the bands are
> strong enough to hold even a man my size and strength down.
TOM: But made for a woman.
> There was nothing you could do.. Don't think about..
MIKE: ...tomorrow.
> "I..c..can't..forget about it.. They're... here...
TOM: (singing) They're there! Pink elephants everywhere!
> They're watching us.."
MIKE: Trust me, Julian, no one's watching you unless they're forced to.
> Alistair looked around to see Julian was right.
CROW: _The 700 Club_ was playing on the TV. That was a dead giveaway.
> They
> were being watched by several of the Fusions now.
TOM: (Alistair) Damn fusions. Where are the normal Felistians?
> He turned
> his back on them.
> "These ones aren't the ones who assaulted you, Julian,
> these ones are Fusions, not pure breeds..
MIKE: (Alistair) You were assaulted by cocker spaniels.
> They don't have
> the barbed penis the pure breeds had..
CROW: Penis, singular? What, do all the pure breeds share one?
MIKE: Perhaps it's detatchable.
> And the ones who
> assaulted you did.."
TOM: As if he'd forgotten that part.
> Julian peered at the Fusions watching them through
> fearful eyes.
MIKE: Why would Fusions be fearful of Alistair and Julian?
> "I ..d..don't trust.. them..
CROW: (Julian) I mean, their dollar-a-week life insurance SOUNDS like a
good deal, but...
> They're looking at me the
> way *she* did, before she...
TOM: (Julian) Showed me her vacation slides.
> assaulted me."
> Alistair looked around and let out a pure roar.
MIKE: Oh great, now you're dragging the poor Lionheart family into this
train wreck! HAVE YOU NO SHAME, RED SKYE?!?
> As one
> the Fusions jumped to their feet and scuttled off to the
> bathing area.
CROW: Several hundred Romans were already there.
TOM: Wouldn't a Felistian bathing area consist of a giant tongue?
> Julian jumped in Alistair's embrace.
CROW: (falsetto) Auntie Em, I'm frightened!
> Alistair
> eased off and then sat back looking at him.
MIKE: (Alistair) Forget to take your ritalin today, Julian?
> "I'll keep them away from you, just stick close to me."
TOM: (singing) No, you won't be afraid. Just as long... as you stand...
stand by me.
> Julian looked at him warily, his whole being screamed,
> but I don't trust you either.
MIKE: Trust no one.
> "I've never developed a taste for same gender sexual
> relations, Julian.
CROW: (Alistair) I've never developed a taste for pesto sauce, either.
> I'm not going to pounce on you... You're
> young enough to be my son."
TOM: That never stopped the Greeks!
> Julian relaxed just a fraction.
MIKE: Upsetting the whole and irrational numbers.
> He wanted to trust
> Alistair. He needed to trust Alistair, he desperately needed
> someone to protect and comfort him.
CROW: Just like in the cafeteria at school.
> "I'm a Doctor.
TOM: (Alistair) Would you like a jelly baby?
> I took an oath to never cause
> intentional harm to another sentient.
CROW: For those of you who are just now joining Western Civilization...
> I wouldn't do anything
> to hurt you, physically or mentally."
MIKE: Emotionally or financially, on the other hand...
> Julian relaxed a tad more.
TOM: Soon, his defenses would be fully down, and THEN Alistair would
strike!
> "And doing what you think I might be capable of would
> be harmful, physically and mentally.. I'm not going to break
> my oath for a little *distraction*."
CROW: (Alistair) Maybe for a lifetime supply of Metamucil, but not for a
little distraction.
> Julian's eyes unconsciously drifted down to Alistair's
> lap to take in the sight of his genitals.
MIKE: (Julian) As long as I'm here, I might as well do some sightseeing.
> The man was
> extremely well endowed.
TOM: The role of Alistair will be played by Harry Reems.
> Julian flushed and looked away.
CROW: (Julian) I can't stand the sight of water spinning the wrong way.
> After his experiences, he could work out how sex with
> Alistair could prove harmful.
MIKE: Alistair could tie him up and force him to listen to his Celine
Dion
albums.
> Alistair caught the flush and the direction of Julian's
> gaze.
CROW: Those are extremely weird names for Pokemons.
> "Everyone in the Harem goes naked.
MIKE: Felistian males HAVE to go naked. If they didn't, the barbs would
shred their pants every time they had an erection.
> You better get used
> to the sight of naked men, fast."
TOM: (Alistair) And try not to stare at "Stumpy". He stood too close to
the electric fan.
> Julian realised he too was naked and flushed deeper.
> The idea of being so thoroughly naked and expected to stay
> that way was both frightening and extremely embarrassing to
> him.
CROW: (Julian) Next time I join a nudist colony, I'm definately reading
the
fine print.
> "I don't think I've ever seen anyone turn that
> particular shade of red before." Alistair commented, making
> Julian flush an even deeper shade of red.
MIKE: Didn't we already do this scene a few times?
TOM: At this point, I suppose he's lucky that blood isn't geysering out
of
his ears.
> "I'm sure all that blushing bad for your blood
> pressure.
CROW: We bad, we bad.
> It's in your best interests to learn how to
> control it."
> "H..how.. it just happens."
TOM: Just a blushing virgin bride...
> "Funny you should ask,
MIKE: (Alistair) Hehehehe...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAA HA HA HA
HA
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HAW HAW HAW... (gasp) heh heh HA HA
HA
HAHAHAHAAAAA... (sigh) Okay, it's not that funny.
> I was just about to offer to
> teach you. It's a technique called meditation.
CROW: (Alistair) But I call it "Shirley".
> Once you get
> good enough at it, you should be able to do it anywhere, any
> time.
TOM: Do what, blush?
> Which will be very useful later.. When the harem
> keeper decides it's time you got into circulation."
MIKE: (Alistair) They sell you at 30% of the cover price.
> The very thought of what circulation meant in that
> context was enough to make Julian flush an extremely deep
> shade of red.
CROW: I have the feeling a pastrami sandwich could make Julian flush a
deep
shade of red.
> He fainted dead away in the next moment.
> "I just knew you'd do that.." Alistair muttered.
ALL: Wah wah wah waaaaaaaaaaaaaah...
> *******************************************
> END OF STOLEN MEMORIES PART FOUR
> ********************************
TOM: Four on the floor.
> _____________________________________
>
> Standard disclaimers apply.
MIKE: Fanfic not valid in Utah and Alaska.
> Characters copyrighted
> by Paramount. Alis, Alistair and Felistians are
> copyrighted to Mission Ops Productions.
CROW: AKA the Red Army.
> Reprinting
> this story in whole or in part is denied without
> the permission of Mission Ops Productions
> first - except in cases of review.
TOM: But only if you say good stuff about it.
> Copyright @ 1995 Mission Ops Productions.
> Send your comments to: hen...@zip.com.au
> ____________________________________________________
(TOM hovers onto MIKE's lap. MIKE picks TOM up and ALL leave the
theater.)
[Door 1]
[Door 2]
[Door 3]
[Door 4]
[Door 5]
[Door 6]
[Dog Bone]
[SOL Bridge. MIKE is alone. He grimaces slightly as he examines the
thumb
on his left hand. TOM and CROW enter.]
TOM: Hey, Mike. What's the matter?
MIKE: Oh, it's nothing. Just got a little hangnail.
CROW: Mike, this could be serious. That "little hangnail" could get
infected and become gangrenous.
TOM: Yeah! Then, we'd have no choice but to amputate your left thumb.
CROW: And to even it out, we'd have to amputate your right thumb, too.
TOM: How would you play pinball with no thumbs? Huh?
MIKE: I really don't play much pinball.
CROW: (urgently) We've got to get a doctor right away!
TOM: I'm way ahead of you, Crow.
(TOM zips out of the room)
MIKE: A doctor? I don't really think that's necessary. I mean, it's
just
a hangnail.
(TOM zips back into the room)
TOM: Too late! The doctor's here already.
MIKE: (stunned) How did he get here so quickly?!?
CROW: Well Mike, we figured it was only a matter of time before you
injured
yourself like this, so we've had a doctor on call for the last few
years. Good thing he's had SO many openings in his schedule.
TOM: It's funny. He NEVER seems to be busy.
(ALISTAIR, the kindly old gentleman from the story, enters. He is
unselfconsciously nude. Fortunately, we only see him from the waist up.
MIKE is understandably alarmed.)
ALISTAIR: (chipper) Hello, one and all! It's Mike, isn't it?
MIKE: (averting his eyes) Uh, yes.
ALISTAIR: Well Mike, my name's Alistair. Doctor Alistair Mender. You
can
call me Doctor, Doc, Alistair, Doctor Alistair, Doc Alistair,
Doctor Mender, Doc Mender, Al, Doctor Al, Doc Al, or you can
just
call me "old guy" like everyone else does. Now, what seems to
be
the trouble?
MIKE: It's only a, uh... hangnail.
ALISTAIR: Why, I have just the thing for hangnails! Now, get undressed
and
lie down on the counter here. (pats the counter)
MIKE: Do I really have to get undressed for a hangnail?
ALISTAIR: Who's the doctor here? Now, you get oiled up, and I'll be
right
back with the nipple clamps.
(ALISTAIR exits. MIKE turns to TOM and CROW.)
MIKE: Guys, I don't know about this.
TOM: You'd better do what he says, Mike.
CROW: Yeah, Mike. He graduated from the International Correspondance
School of Medicine, so he KNOWS what he's doing.
TOM: He can also do TV/VCR repair.
CROW: Plus, he owns his own piercing gun. How many doctors can say
THAT?
MIKE: I still don't know...
TOM: Come on, Mike, don't be so suspicious. Alistair is a highly
trained
professional. You can trust him.
(The yellow light flashes)
MIKE: But he seems kinda creepy. (notices the light) We'll be right
back.
(hits the button)
[Planet Bumper]
> It was a week before a thought connected to the outside
> world entered Julian's brain.