[MiSTing] Moby Dick 1/3: Prologue 1: Extracts take 2 [ERA: chase] [PRO)
McDLT
vanished, lets try this again.)
The following is a MiSTing of the Great American Novel. If
you happen to like or not like Moby Dick, read or don't read
this at your leisure.
The parts are as follows:
Part 1: Prologue 1, Extracts
Part 2: Prologue 2, Etymology
Part 3: Chapter I, Loomings
---------------------
Somewhere in time and space
TWAING!
[1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... ...]
[SoL bridge, it is empty]
[Bridge remains empty for a few seconds, until the commercial
sign begins to flash. Mike wanders on, see Cambot
and sees the light]
Mike: Oh, I'm sorry, we'll be right back.
[Commercials. Psychics. Sci-Fi 2.0 (MST3K 0). More Psychics]
[Bridge of the SoL, Mike and the bots are standing around,
discussing.]
Mike: I thought you two wanted to do the opening host segment.
Tom: Well we did, but, well...
Crow: We couldn't come up of anything original to do.
Tom: It's no use! We've done it all! [becomes hysteric]
Mike: No we haven't, we can't have done everything!
Crow: No! He's right! [begins bawling] IT'S THE END! THE
END!
Mike: See, there, we haven't done Planet of the Apes in
awhile.
Tom: That was an intentional moratorium after you blew it
up.
Mike: Well, I guess we did sort of do Planet of the Apes to
the limit while orbiting it.
[A few moments of awkward silence passes, and the mads light
flashes]
Mike: Well, it looks like...damn, I can't think of any
original fake names to give them.
[Mike sighs, and hits the mads light]
[The Widowmaker. Pearl looks nervous, the other two are
frantically searching for something.]
Pearl: Hi, Mike. This is, well, a bit embarrassing. We...
we have run out of all the material I was able to get
aboard the Widowmaker before launching into space.
[SoL]
Mike: Does that mean reruns for the rest of the season.
[Widowmaker]
Pearl: No good, we've already started filming, and this episode
is purchased. Can you three handle...
Bobo: WAIT! I FOUND SOMETHING!
Pearl: Great, send it to them, I don't care what it is!
Bobo: Well, it's...
Pearl: Just send it!
Obs.: Very well, lawmaker.
[SoL Craziness, buzzers, the residents look almost bored]
Mike: Sigh...we have, well, we have sign.
[1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... ...]
[Theater, the trio moves in.]
Crow: Wow, that was close, imagine if we didn't have anything
to read.
[happy sighs]
Mike: Well, that was nice, let's see what we got.
>Moby-
All: Uh...
> Dick
Pearl: [os] BOBO!
Bobo: [os] You said anything we could find!
All: Oh.
Mike: Well, this is surreal!
>or
>The Whale
Crow: Ah yes, the travails of "classic" orgo literature.
>
>By Herman
Mike: Munster!
Crow: Head!
Tom: No, no, Hoover!
> Melville.
All: Ohhh...
Mike: Shouldn't we have known that?
>
>Extracts
Crow: Of vanilla.
>
>(Supplied by a Sub-Sub-Librarian)
All: [singing] We all live on a Sub-Librarian, a Sub-
Librarian, a Sub-Librarian.
>
>It will be seen that this mere painstaking burrower
Tom: Call Bill Murray, we've got gophers!
> and
>grub-worm
Mike: Mmmm, gagh!
> of a poor devil
Crow: [singing] Poor Devil went down to Georgia, a-lookin'
for a soul to steal.
> of a Sub-Sub
Mike: Gee, he doesn't seem to much like this guy.
> appears to have gone
>through the long Vaticans
Tom: Where he met the pope?
Mike: Gee, I always thought there was just one, regular sized
Vatican City.
> and street-stalls
Crow: Oh, I hate those things, always these European cities have
these little stalls one the street that give absolutely
no more privacy than an umbrella. Plus you always have to
stand in line for at least half an hour for them.
Mike: But Crow, bots don't need toilets.
Crow: Sorry, I'm channeling a combination of Dave Barry and Monty
Python I'm afraid.
> of the earth,
>picking up whatever random allusions to whales he could anyways
>find
Mike: [maternal falsetto] Oh, now you put those allusions down,
you don't know WHERE they've been!
> in any book whatsoever, sacred or profane.
Crow: Say, this could get good!
Tom: Hmmm, I don't think I've ever seen a Fabio book with a
Whale reference.
[others look at Tom]
Tom: Ah, er, not that I've seen a Fabio book at all, I mean,
ah, well...
Mike: Just when you think you know a guy.
> therefore you
>must not, in every case at least, take the higgledy-piggledy
Crow: Squimity-squamity
Tom: jibblede-jabblede
Mike: Hammery-Dammery.
All: Bippity-boppity BOO!
>whale statements, however authentic,
Tom: Or the ones he just made up.
> in these extracts,
Tom: Of almond.
> for
>veritable gospel cetology.
Mike: Ah, well, if I knew what the hell that meant, I might be
more likely to comply.
> Far from it.
Tom: Or near to it!
Crow: [Grover] Near....FAAAR! Neeeeeear.......FAAAR!
> As touching the ancient
>authors
Mike: Isn't that illegal?
> generally, as well as the poets here appearing,
Crow: Whether they like it or not!
> these
>extracts are solely valuable or entertaining,
Tom: I think we'll be the judge of that!
> as affording a
>glancing bird's eye view of what has been promiscuously said,
>thought, fancied, and sung of Leviathan,
All: [TTTO Gamera] Leviathan! Leviathan!
Tom: Leviathan is really neat.
Crow: Leviathan is full of meat.
All: We all love Le-vi-a-than!
> by many nations and
>generations, including our own.
>
>So fare thee well, poor devil of a Sub-Sub,
Tom: Oh, that was fast.
[Get up to go]
> whose commentator I
>am.
Mike: Oh...
[all sit]
> Thou belongest to that hopeless, sallow tribe which no wine
>of this world will ever warm;
Tom: Geepers, I'd hate to see how he writes about those who DON'T
help him. Gee, profane the poor guy and his whole profession.
> and for whom even Pale Sherry
Crow: Pauly Shore?
>would be too rosy-strong;
Mike: Sounds like a dish detergent.
> but with whom one sometimes loves to
>sit, and feel poor-devilish, too; and grow convivial upon tears;
Tom: You know, I thought that this would be readable since it
was professionally written, edited, and published, but that
sentence is giving me a bit of a headache.
Mike: Well just think happy thoughts, it's too early in the
experiment to have you exploding.
>and say to them bluntly,
Crow: YOU STINK!
> with full eyes and empty glasses,
Tom: More like glassy eyes with that combination.
> and
>in not altogether unpleasant sadness- Give it up, Sub-Subs!
Crow: We've got you surrounded!
> For
>by how much more pains ye take to please
Mike: Mmmm, masochism.
> the world, by so much
>the more shall ye for ever go thankless!
Crow: With the way the rest of this introduction is being
written, I'll bet he wouldn't mind being thankless
compared with what has been written so far.
> Would that I could
>clear out Hampton Court and the Tuileries for ye!
Mike: Just start reading this manuscript, and I'm sure they'll
clear out fast!
> But gulp down
All: SUUUURGE!
>your tears and hie
Mike: Diddle-de-de?
Tom: [Ishmael] A sailor's life for me!
Mike: Let's not get ahead in the plot.
> aloft to the royal-mast
Tom: YII!
Mike: What?
Tom: Oh, I thought that said "Royal Mess."
> with your hearts; for
>your friends who have gone before are
Crow: All laughing at you!
Mike: Odd.
> clearing out the
>seven-storied heavens,
Tom: And the seven rings of hell.
> and making refugees of long pampered
>Gabriel, Michael, and Raphael,
Mike: Well, after the Turtles had so many cast changes, the
series slowly fell apart.
> against your coming.
Tom: Boy, Herman knows how to make a guy feel welcome.
> Here ye
>strike but splintered hearts together- there, ye shall strike
>unsplinterable glasses!
Crow: New from Hour Eyes!
>
>"And God created great whales."
Tom: [British] and the sloths, and the anchovies, and the
orangutans, and the breakfast cereals...
Mike: That is enough, brother.
>GENESIS.
Crow: Never the same after they lost Peter Gabriel.
>
>"Leviathan maketh a path to shine after him;
Mike: And then taketh some time out to scarf nachos.
>One would think the deep to be hoary."
[All cough]
>JOB.
Crow: 316
Tom: Too easy.
>
>"Now the Lord had prepared a great fish
Crow: And serveth'd him with Tartar sauce.
Mike: God, the all powerful, the great I AM, gourmet chef!
> to swallow up Jonah."
>JONAH.
Tom: New from Little Caesar's is the whale meat pizza: Jonah
Jonah!
>
>"There go the ships;
Tom: So then they're...[sings] SAILing away...
Crow: NOO! Plotacoursetothevirginsea...
Mike: Tom 1, Crow 0.
> there is that Leviathan whom thou hast made
>to play therein."
Mike: I'm thinking...
Crow: Comesailawaycomesailawaycomesailawaywithme
Mike: Should we riff the Bible?
Tom: Hmmm...
Crow: Comesailawaycomesailawaycomesailawaywithme. Ah
Tom: Sounds like a way to turn our email into a river of flame.
Mike: But Pearl doesn't let us check our non-spam email.
Crow: Right! Full steam ahead! Let the blaspheming continue!
>PSALMS.
>
>"In that day, the Lord with his sore,
Tom: Visited the doctor, where He was prescribed some
topical analgesic.
> and great, and strong
>sword,
Crow: That God, ha ha!
Mike: I'm proud of you Crow.
Crow: Well, I just don't want to go there!
> shall punish Leviathan the piercing serpent,
Tom: Since when can whales pierce?
Mike: What about the horned Narwhal?
Crow: Fanboy!
Mike: Odd.
> even
>Leviathan that crooked serpent;
Tom: Should the Almighty know that the whale is a mammal?
> and he shall slay the dragon
>that is in the sea."
Crow: I'm sensing anti-Japanese tendencies in this manuscript.
Mike: But Japan didn't exist when this was written.
Crow: Yeah, but doesn't this thing predict the future? Bible
Code and all of that?
>ISAIAH
>
>"And what thing soever besides cometh within the chaos of this
>monster's mouth,
Tom: AACK! Errk!
Mike: It's going to be OK, just look away this quote.
> be it beast, boat, or stone,
Crow: Or those small chunks of Styrofoam that stuff is packed
in.
> down it goes all
>incontinently
Crow: OK, I am never swimming in the ocean again. That is sick.
Tom: [looking away] What? What did I miss?
Crow: Incontinent whales.
Mike: I don't quite think that's what the author intended.
> that foul great swallow of his, and perisheth in
>the bottomless gulf of his paunch."
[Mike and Crow cough, Tom looks back, and snickers.]
>HOLLAND'S
Tom: Opus
Crow: Too easy.
> PLUTARCH'S MORALS.
>
>"The Indian Sea breedeth the most and the biggest fishes
Mike: [Singing] Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea!
> that
>are: among which the Whales and Whirlpooles
Tom: Let's see, one of those is a mammal, and the other is a
anomaly of low sea pressure. Where are the fish?
> called Balaene, take
>up as much in length as four acres or arpens of land."
>HOLLAND'S
Tom: Opus.
Crow: Too easy AND a repeat!
> PLINY.
>
>"Scarcely had we proceeded two days on the sea,
Mike: Than the head broke, and we had to turn around.
> when about
>sunrise a great many Whales and other monsters
Crow: Janet Reno?
> of the sea,
Crow: Oh.
>appeared.
All: YAA!
Mike: I wish they wouldn't scare us like that!
> Among the former, one was of a most monstrous size.
Crow: See, Janet Reno!
> *
>*
Mike: My God! It's full of STARS!
> This came towards us, open-mouthed,
Crow: So we're watching the Bill Clinton defense?
> raising the waves on all
>sides, and beating the sea before him into a foam."
Tom: Makes swimming darn hard!
>TOOKE'S LUCIAN. "THE TRUE HISTORY."
Mike: As opposed to all those darned fake ones.
>
>"He visited this country
Tom: But overstayed his welcome.
> also with a view of catching
Crow: Flu, ending the stories!
>horse-whales,
Mike: Oh yes, those darned horse whales...
> which had bones of very great value for their
>teeth,
Tom: This is slowly making less and less sense.
Mike: Even riffing is becoming tougher.
> of which he brought some to the king. * * *
Tom: And that's Orion's Belt, and over there, that's the big
dipper!
> The best
>whales were catched
Tom: Caught...CAUGHT!
Mike: It's OK.
Tom: Let's just pass this one up, and forget this quote is
happening.
> in his own country, of which some were
>forty-eight, some fifty yards long. He said that he was one of
>six who had killed sixty in two days."
Crow: Wow. That quote was quite painful.
>OTHER OR OCTHER'S
Tom: We're not sure which.
> VERBAL NARRATIVE TAKEN DOWN FROM HIS MOUTH BY
>KING ALFRED, A.D. 890.
>
>"And whereas all the other things, whether beast or vessel,
Crow: Or small round paisley things that go POING!
> they
>enter into the dreadful gulf of
Tom: Mexico
> this monster's (whale's) mouth,
Crow: Well, there are worse places in the whale to enter ACK!
[Crow has been smacked upside the grill by Mike]
>are immediately lost and swallowed up, the sea-gudgeon retires
Mike: And moved to Florida
>into it in great security, and there sleeps."
Tom: [Singing] In the whale mouth, the dreadful whale mouth, the
gudgeon sleeps tonight.
>MONTAIGNE. - APOLOGY FOR
Crow: Whomever reads this.
> RAIMOND SEBOND.
Mike: The dental adhesive that everybody loves.
>
>"Let us fly, let us fly!
[Mike and Crow stand up, Tom leans forward a bit to look
taller].
All: [singing] Take OFF, hey let's go flyING!
> Old Nick
Crow: The sea captain was a rough tough, jolly old soul-ERK!
Tom: Why did you shut him up?
Mike: I know how that skit ends.
> take me if is not Leviathan
Tom: OUCH!
>described by the noble prophet Moses in the life of patient
>Job."
Mike: Well, if he was patient, that proves he wasn't a temp.
>RABELAIS.
>
>"This whale's liver was two cartloads."
Crow: He's just a guzzler! Sclerosis city.
>STOWE'S ANNALS.
[Crow snickers, Mike rubs the bridge of his nose]
>
>"The great Leviathan that maketh the seas to seethe like boiling
>pan."
>LORD BACON'S VERSION OF THE PSALMS.
Tom: Ah yes, let's just all rewrite the Psalms whenever we want!
>
>"Touching that monstrous bulk of the whale
Mike: No Crow!
Crow: Actually, I hadn't noticed until you mentioned that.
> or ork
Tom: Nanu nanu.
Crow: So, we're orking the bulk?
Mike: CROW!
> we have
>received nothing certain.
Mike: We don't think.
> They grow exceeding fat,
Tom: So they're related to Rush Limbaugh.
Mike: Oh great, we're going to get flamed for that.
Tom: [Rush] Call me a river, Conservative!
> insomuch that
>an incredible quantity of oil will be extracted out of one
>whale."
Crow: They should join OPEC
>IBID. "HISTORY OF LIFE AND DEATH."
Mike: I don't remember a Psalm called "History of Life and Death."
>
>"The sovereignest thing on earth is parmacetti for an inward
>bruise."
Mike: Well, yes, I'm sure it is...
>KING HENRY.
>
>"Very like a whale."
>HAMLET.
Tom: Don't talk about Ophelia that way.
>
>"Which to secure, no skill of leach's art
Crow: Law
>Mote him availle, but to returne againe
Tom: Flinginge extrae e's like theye were oute ofe style
>To his wound's worker, that with lowly dart,
Mike: Triple 20! WHOO!
>Dinting his breast, had bred his restless paine,
>Like as the wounded whale to shore flies thro' the maine."
All: Remember the Maine!
>THE FAERIE QUEEN.
Tom: [Snicker]
>
>"Immense as whales,
Mike: The pork barrels of the GOP
Crow: More flame...the Republicans are going to boycott us!
> the motion of whose vast bodies can in a
>peaceful calm trouble the ocean til it boil."
Crow: Haven't we established this already?
Tom: This reminds me of a yahoo.com search with all the
results printed out.
Mike: Not all of them?
Tom: No?
Mike: [as a Webpage ad] SEX! SEX! SEX! NAKED S***S BARE ALL!!
>SIR WILLIAM DAVENANT. PREFACE TO GONDIBERT.
>
>"What spermacetti is,
Crow: Ah yes, Mike never explained that to us.
Tom: Ooooh!
> men might justly doubt, since the learned
>Hosmannus in his work of thirty years, saith plainly, Nescio
>quid sit."
Mike: Well, that statement degraded into unintelligibility faster
that Ratliff!
Tom: Did you just compare the great American novel to Ratliff?
Mike: I...I feel so dirty!
Crow: At least he didn't reverse it.
>SIR T. BROWNE. OF SPERMA CETI AND THE SPERMA CETI WHALE. VIDE
>HIS V. E.
Tom: Oy vey!
Mike: It's OK...we're almost over.
Tom: [shaking] Really?
Mike: Nope, not even close.
>
>"Like Spencer's Talus with his modern flail
Tom: I can't take it!
>He threatens ruin with his ponderous tail.
Tom: I can't takemuch more...
>* * * *
>Their fixed jav'lins in his side he wears,
Tom: YAAAA!
>And on his back a grove of pikes appears."
Tom: Ahhh, Ok, I'm OK.
>WALLER'S BATTLE OF THE SUMMER ISLANDS.
>
>"By art is created that great Leviathan, called a Commonwealth
Mike: Now let's drag Virginia into this...might as well
alienate as many readers as possible!
>or State- (in Latin, Civitas)
Crow: Welcome to random fact theater!
> which is but an artificial man."
Tom: Much like Mike.
Mike: Hey!
>OPENING SENTENCE OF HOBBES'S LEVIATHAN.
Tom: With the way this is going, I'm surprised he stopped there.
>
>"Silly Mansoul
Crow: Trix are for KIDS!
> swallowed it without chewing,
Mike: Remember to chew every bite 26 times before swallowing.
Crow: Or, if one prefers ramchips, chew each byte 26 times.
> as if it had been a
>sprat in the mouth of a whale."
Mike: Oh yeah, I know what THAT feels like.
>PILGRIM'S PROGRESS.
>
>"That sea beast Leviathan, which God of all his works
Crow: Gaveth a little smiley face button.
>Created hugest that swim the ocean stream."
Tom: So devout French Catholics are swimming in the Gulf Stream.
Mike: No, that would be Huguenots, not hugest.
>PARADISE LOST.
>
>"There Leviathan,
All: YAA!
Mike: Where WHERE!
>Hugest of living creatures, in the deep
Mike: Oh, geez, I wish they wouldn't scare me like that.
>Stretched like a promontory sleeps or swims,
>And seems a moving land; and at his gills
Crow: Do these show any sign of ending?
Mike: Well, this is Moby Dick.
Tom: So?
Mike: Well, most publications of Moby Dick averaged just short
of 700 pages.
Bots: AHHHHH!
Crow: Kill me now! KILL ME NOW!
[Tom's head explodes]
>Draws in, and at his breath spouts out a sea."
>IBID.
Mike: [Picking up a dome] I thought I might need an extra one
of these before this prologue was over.
[Tom comes about as the new dome gets screwed on]
Tom: What a horrible nightmare...I dreamed Mike said Moby Dick
was nearly 700 pages!
Mike: I did.
[Tom's head explodes, Mike gets another dome]
Crow: Where do you get all of those from?
Mike: Gee, I never really thought about that...I guess its just
some handy plot contrivance.
Crow: Works for me.
Tom: Well, should we get back into the theater?
Mike: We are in the theater, this wasn't a host segment.
Tom: Oh. Well this was a long riff. Back to work.
>
>"The mighty whales which swim in a sea of water, and have a sea
>of oil swimming in them."
>FULLLER'S PROFANE
Crow: Saaaay!
> AND HOLY STATE.
Crow: Doh! Throw me a bone here, Hermie!
>
>"So close behind some promontory lie
Tom: Comes the Republican pursuit of impeachment.
>The huge Leviathan to attend their prey,
Tom: Pie iasus dominae
Crow: Donna e es requium.
Mike: That would be pray, not prey.
Tom: I know, but we're struggling here.
>And give no chance, but swallow in the fry,
Mike: And get burned by the hot grease.
>Which through their gaping jaws mistake the way."
>DRYDEN'S ANNUS
Mike: NO, Crow!
> MIRABILIS.
>
>"While the whale is floating at the stern of the ship,
Tom: Klingons attack off the starboard bow.
> they cut
>off his head,
Tom: ACK!
Crow: Cool!
> and tow it with a boat as near the shore as it
>will come; but it will be aground in twelve or thirteen feet
>water."
Mike: Well, ya, that just makes sense.
>THOMAS EDGE'S TEN VOYAGES TO SPITZBERGEN, IN PURCHAS.
Tom: I think Mr. Edge here has too much free time on his hands
>
>"In their way they saw many whales sporting in the ocean,
Mike: Apparently their "way" was stoned.
> and in
>wantonness fuzzing up
Crow: Saaaaaaay...
> the water through their pipes and vents,
Bots: Saaaaaaay...
Mike: This is taking a bad turn.
>which nature has placed on their shoulders."
Tom: Yes, in nature, the shoulder pad is not only an essential,
but is rather vogue at the same time.
>SIR T. HERBERT'S VOYAGES INTO ASIA AND AFRICA.
Tom: At least the "voyages" they could publish here.
> HARRIS COLL.
>
>"Here they saw such huge troops of whales,
[All whistle Bridge Over the River Kwai]
> that they were forced
>to proceed with a great deal
Crow: In which he managed to get three aces, and discarded the
six and the Jack that he had been dealt.
> of caution for fear they should run
>their ship upon them."
>SCHOUTEN'S SIXTH CIRCUM
Mike: Please no, please no...
> NAVIGATION.
Mike: Great.
>
>"We set sail from the Elbe, wind N. E. in the ship called The
Tom: Yellow Submarine.
>Jonas-in-the-Whale. * * *
>Some say the whale can't open his mouth, but that
Crow: Was just Clinton's defense.
> is a fable. *
>* *
Mike: [singing] Starry, starry night.
>They frequently climb up the masts
Crow: Gee, this is really going downhill...no wonder this is the
"Great American" novel...rrowrel!
> to see whether they can see a
>whale,
Tom: Because they're so BIG, they're often over LOOKED!
Mike: Careful, I think you're channeling Lewis Black.
> for the first discoverer has a ducat for his pains.
Crow: Star Trek crossover, didn't see that coming.
> * * *
>I was told of a whale taken near Shetland, that had above a
>barrel of herrings
Tom: With which it was attempting to chop down trees.
> in his belly. * * *
>One of our harpooneers told me that he caught once a
Crow: glimpse of a Tahiti woman wearing--MRPH!
> whale in
>Spitzbergen that was white all over."
Tom: Hmmm, subtle foreshadowing?
Crow: Hmmm, what's black and red and white all over?
>A VOYAGE TO GREENLAND, A.D. 1671 HARRIS COLL.
[Crow seems to disappear downwards, scrolling down text. He
re-emerges.]
Crow: Good news!
Mike: What?
Crow: Less than 50 quotes left!
Tom: Really?
Crow: Yup...49!
[Groans all around]
>
>"Several whales have come in upon this coast (Fife) Anno 1652,
>one eighty feet
Tom: I thought they just had fins.
Crow: Hmm...
Tom: Oh goodness, I'm running out of riffs!
> in length of the whale-bone kind came in, which
>(as I was informed), besides a vast quantity of oil, did afford
>500 weight of baleen. The jaws
[All hum Jaws]
> of it stand for a gate in the
>garden of
Crow: Good and evil?
> Pitferren."
>SIBBALD'S FIFE AND
Tom: drum corps.
> KINROSS.
>
>"Myself have agreed to try whether I can master and kill
Crow: them, kill them ALL, YES! THE VOICES MUST BE ASSUAGED!
[Mike looks at Crow, then slides away]
> this
>Sperma-ceti whale, for I could never hear
Crow: The end of the voices! They are everywhere!
Mike: Magic?
M.V.: Sorry, Mike.
> of any of that sort
>that was killed by any man, such is his fierceness and
>swiftness."
>RICHARD STRAFFORD'S LETTER FROM THE BERMUDAS
Tom: Bahamas
Mike: Come on pretty mama!
Crow: Key Largo
Tom: Montigo
Mike: Baby why don't we go.
Crow: Jamaica...
> . PHIL. TRANS. A.D.
>1668.
>
>"Whales in the sea
>God's voice obey."
M.V.: Told you it wasn't me.
>N. E. PRIMER.
Tom: So just any primer will do?
>
>"We saw also abundance of large whales, there being more in
>those southern seas, as I may say, by a hundred to one;
Mike: Making the daily double worth quite a bit if you pull it
off.
> than we
>have to the northward of us."
Tom: North end of a southbound prairie dawg.
>CAPTAIN COWLEY'S VOYAGE ROUND THE GLOBE, A.D. 1729.
>
>* * * * * "and the breath of the whale is frequendy attended
>with such an insupportable smell,
Crow: For he doesn't brush twice daily!
> as to bring on a disorder of
>the brain."
Tom: Yeah, can't be as bad as Mike's breath in the morning.
>ULLOA'S SOUTH AMERICA.
>
>"To fifty chosen sylphs
Mike: Cause you have to be careful when choosing your sylphs.
> of special note,
>We trust the important charge, the petticoat.
>Oft have we known that
Crow: Quotes help bulk a manuscript.
> seven-fold fence to fail,
>Tho' stuffed with hoops and armed with ribs of whale."
>RAPE OF THE LOCK.
Crow: See, just like an internet search...there's your adult
site for ya!
>
>"If we compare land animals in respect to magnitude, with those
>that take up their abode in the deep,
Mike: We see very little similarities, but it helps lengthen a
work.
> we shall find they will
>appear contemptible in the comparison. The whale is doubtless
Tom: A symbol which will be overblown in the following pages.
Mike: Don't give the plot away.
>the largest animal in creation."
>GOLDSMITH, NAT. HIST.
Tom: Ah good, a natural histogram, much easier to read the
data that way.
>
>"If you should write a fable for little fishes,
Tom: Aecod's fables.
> you would make
>them speak like great wales."
>GOLDSMITH TO JOHNSON.
>
>"In the afternoon we saw
Tom: Those Tahiti gals!
All: Whoo!
> what was supposed to be a rock,
All: Oh.
> but it
>was found to be a dead whale, which some Asiatics had killed,
Tom: WILLY! NOOOOOO!
Mike: I wondered how long that one would take.
>and were then towing ashore. They seemed to endeavor to conceal
>themselves behind the whale,
Crow: Those Tahiti gals!
Mike: Give it up, Crow.
> in order to avoid being seen by
>us."
>COOK'S VOYAGES.
Tom: He went around the world spreading advice in his funky song
way.
>
>"The larger whales, they seldom venture to attack.
Crow: Hence the name "Killer Whale."
Mike: Actually, the Killer Whale, or Orca, is one of the smaller
whales. The larger whales don't attack because many of them
don't eat large animals, instead microscopic plankton that
they sieve out of the water as they swim.
Bots: Cetology-boy, cetology-boy!
> They stand in
Crow: Knee deep whale blubber.
>so great dread of some of them, that when out at sea they are
>afraid to mention even their names, and carry dung
Crow: See!
> , lime-stone,
>juniper-wood,
Tom: And several small shrubberies.
> and some other articles of the same nature in
>their boats, in order to terrify and prevent
Crow: Is it just me, or is this going really downhill.
Mike: I don't think it's just you.
> their too near
>approach."
>UNO VON TROIL'S LETTERS ON BANKS'S AND SOLANDER'S VOYAGE TO
>ICELAND IN 1772.
Crow: Ah, only 40 to go.
All: Groan!
>
>"The Spermacetti Whale
Tom: Sounds less dirty than "Sperm" whale
> found by the Nantuckois, is an active,
>fierce animal,
Mike: Much like the llama, which lives in large rivers, like
the Amazon.
> and requires vast address
Crow: And a large envelope to write it on.
> and boldness in the
>fishermen."
>THOMAS JEFFERSON'S WHALE MEMORIAL TO THE FRENCH MINISTER IN
>1778.
Tom: Best delivered with an OUTRAGEOUS accent.
>
>"And pray, sir, what in the world is equal to it?"
All: 42!
>EDMUND BURKE'S REFERENCE IN PARLIAMENT TO THE NANTUCKET
>WHALE-FISHERY.
>
>"Spain- a great whale stranded on the shores of Europe."
Mike: That's how I always saw it.
>EDMUND BURKE. (SOMEWHERE.)
Tom: Ahh... Unverifiable quotes.
>
>"A tenth branch
Mike: Forget that, get me a fifth of vodka!
> of the king's ordinary revenue, said to be
Crow: Grotesquely obscene.
>grounded
Mike: For making his brother eat a bug.
> on the consideration of his guarding and protecting the
>seas from pirates and robbers,
Tom: And bears!
All: Oh my!
> is the right to royal fish, which
>are whale and sturgeon.
Crow: Oh yes, I see the similarity THERE!
> And these, when either thrown ashore or
>caught near the coast, are the property of the king."
>BLACKSTONE.
Tom: The magician?
>
>"Soon to the sport of death
Crow: Oh yes, that's always fun!
> the crews repair:
>Rodmond unerring o'er his head suspends
Tom: a 16-ton weight.
>The barbed steel, and every turn attends."
>FALCONER'S SHIPWRECK.
>
>"Bright shone the roofs,
Crow: Ohhh, purty!
> the domes, the spires,
>And rockets blew self driven,
Mike: *sniff* The bombs bursting in air...
>To hang their momentary fire
>Around the vault of heaven.
Tom: Attempting to crack their way in.
>"So fire with water to compare,
>The ocean serves on high,
>Up-spouted by a whale in air,
Mike: Shamu...I always did love Sea World.
>To express unwieldy joy."
>COWPER,
Crow: Gland.
Mike: CROW!
> ON THE QUEEN'S VISIT TO LONDON.
>
>"Ten or fifteen gallons of blood are thrown out of the heart at
>a stroke, with immense velocity."
Mike: Um...
Crow: Well...
Tom: That's interesting.
>JOHN HUNTER'S ACCOUNT OF THE DISSECTION OF A WHALE. (A SMALL
>SIZED ONE.)
Tom: [Don Adams] Would you believe a dolphin.
>
Tom: How about two policemen in a small submersible.
>"The aorta of a whale is larger in the bore than the main pipe
>of the water-works at London Bridge,
Mike: But it falls down alot.
> and the water roaring in
>its passage through that pipe is inferior in impetus and
>velocity to the blood gushing from the whale's heart."
Tom: OK, I think we've established that the blood moves darned
fast...can we move along?
>PALEY'S THEOLOGY.
Crow: Apparently his theology is Zen, and the art of Whale
Dissection.
>
>"The whale is a mammiferous
Tom: Does that mean it eats mammals?
Mike: That's mammiverous.
> animal without hind feet."
>BARON CUVIER.
>
>"In 40 degrees south, we saw
All: Those lovely gals of Tahiti!
> Spermacetti Whales, but did not
>take any till the first of May, the sea being then covered with
>them."
>COLNETT'S VOYAGE FOR THE PURPOSE OF EXTENDING THE SPERMACETI
>WHALE FISHERY.
Crow: I think that puts us at 30 to go.
Mike: All right, I think we're going to make it!
>
>"In the free element beneath me swam,
Tom: [stoned] All the colors, man!
>Floundered and dived, in play, in chace, in battle,
Crow: in love,
Tom: in hate,
Mike: in constipation.
>Fishes of every color, form, and kind;
Mike: One fish
Tom: Two fish
Crow: Red fish
[Gypsy peaks in]
Gypsy:Richard Baseheart fish.
Mike: That was, perhaps, the worse cameo joke we've done.
>Which language cannot paint, and mariner
Tom: We know all about that Sailor speech.
>Had never seen; from dread Leviathan
>To insect millions peopling every wave:
[Tom bops up and down]
[Mike stands and sits]
[Crow stands and sits]
>Gather'd in shoals immense, like floating islands,
>Led by mysterious instincts through that waste
Mike: Ewwwww!
>And trackless region, though on every side
>Assaulted by voracious enemies,
>Whales, sharks, and monsters,
All: Oh my!
> arm'd in front or jaw,
>With swords, saws, spiral horns, or hooked fangs."
Mike: Or with holy hand grenades.
Tom: Or by saying ni!
>MONTGOMERY'S WORLD BEFORE THE FLOOD.
>
>"Io! Paean! Io! sing.
Tom: Ia! Ia Cthulhu!
Mike: What have I told you about summoning the elder gods?
>To the finny people's king.
>Not a mightier whale than this
Crow: You shall slay the mightiest whale in the world WITH...
Mike: I think we've ground the Holy Grail jokes into the
ground.
>In the vast Atlantic is;
>Not a fatter fish than he,
Tom: 'Cept maybe the flounder.
>Flounders round the Polar Sea."
>CHARLES
Mike: Angels
> LAMB'S TRIUMPH OF THE WHALE.
Mike: WHALES WIN THE PENNENT! WHALES WIN THE PENNENT!
>
>"In the year 1690
Tom: Oh great.
[snoring sounds]
> some persons were on a high hill observing the
>whales spouting and sporting with each other,
Crow: Dirty voyeurs.
> when one observed:
Crow: ['Some person'] Ohh, looky!
>there- pointing to the sea- is a green pasture where our
>children's grand-children will go for bread."
Tom: Food Lion.
>OBED MACY'S HISTORY OF NANTUCKET.
>
>"I built a cottage for Susan and myself and made a
Mike: Nice little deck for it, while Susan planted the garden.
Tom: Oh yes, it's so nice.
Crow: Yes.
> gateway in
>the form of a Gothic Arch, by setting up a whale's jaw bones."
Crow: Well, it's, ah, original.
>HAWTHORNE'S TWICE TOLD TALES.
Tom: Two times too many.
>
>"She came to bespeak a monument for her first love,
Crow: Yeah, I remember that statue one movie.
> who had been
>killed by a whale in the Pacific ocean, no less than forty years
>ago."
>IBID.
Mike: That Ibid was a rather prolific author.
>
>"No, Sir, 'tis a Right Whale,"
Mike: Left?
Crow: Right.
Mike: Right?
Crow: No, left.
Mike: So left, right?
Crow: Right!
> answered Tom; "I saw his sprout;
Tom: Ho ho ho!
>he threw up
All: EWWW!
> a pair of as pretty rainbows
All: Ohhh, ahhh!
> as a Christian would
>wish to look at. He's a raal oil-butt,
Tom: Uhhh...
> that fellow!"
>COOPER'S PILOT.
>
>"The papers were brought in, and we saw in the Berlin Gazette
>that whales had been introduced on the stage there."
Mike: And had played to a packed house.
>ECKERMANN'S CONVERSATIONS WITH GOETHE.
>
>"My God!
Mike: They killed Ahab!
Tom: Well, I guess we don't have to read the rest of it then...
> Mr. Chace, what is the matter?" I answered, "we have
>been stove by a whale."
>"NARRATIVE OF THE SHIPWRECK OF THE WHALE SHIP ESSEX OF
>NANTUCKET, WHICH WAS ATTACKED AND FINALLY DESTROYED BY A LARGE
>SPERM WHALE IN THE PACIFIC OCEAN." BY OWEN CHACE OF NANTUCKET,
>FIRST MATE OF SAID VESSEL. NEW YORK, 1821.
Crow: That is a hell of a title!
>
>"A mariner sat in the shrouds one night,
>The wind was piping free;
Tom: Save the new excise tax the US levied to raise money to fix
the budget.
>Now bright, now dimmed, was the moonlight pale,
Mike: Now awake, now asleep were the readers.
>And the phospher gleamed in the wake of the whale,
>As it floundered in the sea."
>ELIZABETH OAKES SMITH.
>
>"The quantity of line withdrawn from the boats engaged
Tom: A nice bit of hemp rope from the land.
> in the
>capture of this one whale, amounted altogether to 10,440 yards
>or nearly six English miles."
Mike: Actually it was only six yards, they just can't count.
>* * * "Sometimes the whale shakes its tremendous tail
Crow: And really boogies down.
Tom: Shake your money maker!
> in the
>air, which, cracking like a whip,
Crow: Saaaaay.
> resounds to the distance of
>three or four miles."
>SCORESBY.
Crow: 20
Tom: This isn't so bad. Least no Gringr!
>
>"Mad with the agonies he endures from these fresh attacks, the
>infuriated Sperm Whale rolls over and over;
Mike: [singing] You roll me right round, baby, right round
Like a Sperm Whale baby, right round round round.
> he rears his
>enormous head,
Tom: I am not an animal, I AM A HUMAN BEING!
Mike: Well, wouldn't it be an animal?
> and with wide expanded jaws snaps at everything
>around him;
Crow: Them, and most four-year olds.
> he rushes at the boats with his head; they are
>propelled before him with vast swiftness, and sometimes utterly
Tom: Moo.
>destroyed.
>* * * It is a matter of great astonishment that the
>consideration of the habits of so interesting,
All: [deadpan] Wow.
> and, in a
>commercial point of view, so important an animal (as the Sperm
>Whale) should have been so entirely neglected,
All: [deadpan] Astonishing.
> or should have
>excited so little curiosity among the numerous,
All: [Sarcastically say] Gasp [but not actually gasping]
> and many of them
>competent observers, that of late years, must have possessed the
>most abundant and the most convenient opportunities of
>witnessing their habitudes."
Mike: What a crime.
Tom: Shocking.
Crow: Absolutely scandalous.
>THOMAS BEALE'S HISTORY OF THE SPERM WHALE, 1839.
>
>"The Cachalot"
Bots: [Singing] We're knights of the Round Table...
Mike: Hey! I called no more Holy Grail!
> (Sperm Whale) "is not only better armed than the
>True Whale" (Greenland or Right Whale) "in possessing a
>formidable weapon
Crow: Saaaaay.
Mike: And no more "saaaaay"s this prologue.
> at either extremity of its body,
Mike: Fight it Crow.
> but also more
>frequently displays a disposition to employ these weapons
>offensively
Crow: Damn you, orgo!
> and in manner at once so artful, bold, and
>mischievous, as to lead to its being regarded as the most
>dangerous to attack
Tom: Second only to the LAPD.
> of all the known species of the whale
>tribe."
>FREDERICK DEBELL BENNETT'S WHALING VOYAGE ROUND THE GLOBE, 1840.
>
>October 13. "There she blows," was sung out from the mast-head.
Crow: Tragically off-key.
>"Where away?" demanded the captain.
>"Three points off the lee bow, sir."
Tom: Damn, I only had one.
>"Raise up your wheel. Steady!"
Crow: I can fight it, I can fight it.
>"Steady, sir."
>"Mast-head ahoy! Do you see that whale now?"
>"Ay ay, sir! A shoal of Sperm Whales! There she blows!
Mike: Well now.
Crow: Hey, if I don't get to "saaaaaay" there will be no "Well
now"s!
> There she
>breaches!"
>"Sing out! sing out every time!"
Tom: Project! Come on, think Whitney Houston!
>"Ay Ay, sir! There she blows! there- there- thar she blows
>-blowes -blo-o-ows!"
>"How far off?"
>"Two miles and a half."
>"Thunder and lightning! so near!
Tom: Yes, 2.5 miles, practically nothing!
> Call all hands."
>J. ROSS BROWNE'S ETCHINGS OF A WHALING CRUIZE. 1846.
>
>"The Whale-ship Globe,
Mike: Curiously neglects to include Sudan and the 48th
parallel North.
> on board of which vessel occurred the
>horrid transactions we are about to relate, belonged to the
>island of Nantucket."
Crow: Oh suuuuuure, just EVERYthing belongs to Nantucket.
>"NARRATIVE OF THE GLOBE," BY LAY AND HUSSEY SURVIVORS. A.D.
>1828.
>
>Being once pursued by a whale which he had wounded,
Crow: Geepers, this novel wasn't original at all then.
> he parried
>the assault for some time with a lance;
Tom: [Daffy] Perry thrust dodge spin *SPROING*
> but the furious monster
>at length rushed on the boat;
Mike: That's just rude, barging into a boat like that.
> himself and comrades only being
>preserved by leaping into the water when they saw the onset was
>inevitable."
>MISSIONARY JOURNAL OF TYERMAN AND BENNETT.
>
>"Nantucket itself," said Mr. Webster, "is a very striking and
>peculiar portion
Mike: I'll say!
> of the National interest.
Tom: Gee, Nantucket in this book is rather like Earth in Star
Trek.
> There is a population
>of eight or nine thousand persons living here in the sea,
Crow: And are, of course, more important than the few billion on
the rest of the planet at the time.
> adding
>largely every year to the National wealth by the boldest and
>most persevering industry."
Mike: I will admit, this is really getting sickening.
>REPORT OF DANIEL WEBSTER'S SPEECH IN THE U. S. SENATE, ON THE
>APPLICATION FOR THE ERECTION OF A BREAKWATER AT NANTUCKET. 1828.
>
>"The whale fell directly over him, and probably killed him in a
>moment."
All: WHOOOOO!
>"THE WHALE AND HIS CAPTORS,
Mike: Well, all but one of them.
> OR THE WHALEMAN'S ADVENTURES AND THE
>WHALE'S BIOGRAPHY, GATHERED ON THE HOMEWARD CRUISE OF THE
>COMMODORE PREBLE." BY REV. HENRY T. CHEEVER.
Tom: Reverend?
Crow: Odd.
>
>"If you make the least damn bit of noise,"
Bots: [Begin to bounce, making 'peep'ing noises]
> replied Samuel, "I
>will send you to hell."
Bots: Eep!
Mike: OK, we have taken a rather sudden, and violent turn here!
>LIFE OF SAMUEL COMSTOCK (THE MUTINEER), BY HIS BROTHER, WILLIAM
>COMSTOCK. ANOTHER VERSION OF THE WHALE-SHIP GLOBE NARRATIVE.
>
>"The voyages of the Dutch and English to the Northern Ocean,
Tom: [Yiddish lady] Will only lead to tears, believe you ME!
> in
>order, if possible, to discover
Crow: A tangy new snack with the taste of chocolate, and the zing
of Worcestershire Sauce.
> a passage through it to India,
Tom: Through the whale?
Mike: I suppose.
>though they failed of their main object, laid-open the haunts of
>the whale."
Tom: *Yawn* Good for them.
Mike: Huzzah!
>MCCULLOCH'S COMMERCIAL DICTIONARY.
Crow: English teachers actually have students sit through all
of this?
>
>"These things are reciprocal;
Tom: So we're going into the Newtonian now.
> the ball rebounds,
Mike: The repetition repeats.
> only to bound
>forward again; for now in laying open the haunts
Crow: Casper?
Tom: Harvey?
Mike: Great aunt Agnus?
> of the whale,
All: Ohh.
>the whalemen seem to have indirectly hit upon new clews
Tom: And clues, too.
Mike: Who knew we'd grammar flame the Great American Novel.
> to that
>same mystic North-West Passage."
>FROM "SOMETHING" UNPUBLISHED.
Tom: Then, ah, how did they find it?
Crow: TEN!
Mike: Alright, let's just bring it on HOME!
Bots: WHOOO!
>
>"It is impossible to
Tom: Read all this and stay awake.
> meet a whale-ship
Crow: When a whale-ship meets a whale-ship a'comin' through
the rye.
> on the ocean without
>being struck by her
Mike: Masthead.
Bots: Owww!
> near appearance. The vessel under short
Tom: Martin?
>sail, with look-outs at the mast-heads,
Mike: See?
Bots: Owww!
> eagerly scanning
Crow: Naked pictures to send around the internet.
> the
>wide expanse around them,
Tom: [Lookout] THAR SHE BLOWS! TIS ROSEANNE!
> has a totally different air
Mike: I've always wondered how whalers eat and breath, and other
science facts.
Tom: Sheesh, Mike, it's just a book.
Crow: Yeah, you should really just relax.
Mike: Ladies and gentlemen, the theme song skit!
Bots: Huh?
> from those
>engaged in regular voyage."
Mike: But without Seven.
>CURRENTS AND WHALING. U. S. EX. EX.
Crow: NINE!
>
>"Pedestrians
Tom: ...clear the sidewalks in Wisconsin, Mike can drive! also
those...
> in the vicinity of London and elsewhere may
Crow: ...also want to take refuge, and...
>recollect having seen large
Mike: ...many car-struck corpses, and piles of...
> curved bones set upright in the
>earth,
Crow: [Minewagian] ...where they form such nice decorations
Tom: [same] Oh yeah, it's so nice, the way they have them shaped
to resemble the crew of the Love Boat.
Mike: [smae] No, it would be better if they were arranged...
> either to form arches over gateways, or entrances to
Crow: ...the underground...
>alcoves,
Crow: ...of hell, from whence these quotes emerged...
> and they may perhaps have been told that these
Mike: ...quotes had any point to them, but rather they were about
as roundabout as...
> were the
>ribs of whales."
Tom: Wow, when was the last time we kibo'ed like that?
>TALES OF A WHALE VOYAGER TO THE ARCTIC OCEAN.
Bots: EIGHT!
>
>"It was not till the boats returned from the pursuit of
Mike: Shall we say it one last time?
Tom: Sure.
All: Those Tahiti gals!
> these
>whales, that the whites saw their ship in bloody
Mike: Hey, wait a minute, I happen to be a very safe driver!
Tom: That was a bit slow of you orgo!
Crow: What reminded you, "bloody"?
> possession of
>the savages enrolled among the crew."
Tom: Worf.
>NEWSPAPER ACCOUNT OF THE TAKING AND RETAKING OF
Crow: The Lindburgh baby.
> THE WHALE-SHIP
>HOBOMACK.
Bots: SEVEN!
>
>"It is generally well known that out of the crews of Whaling
>vessels (American) few ever return in the ships on board of
>which they departed."
Mike: Did you know that Crow?
Crow: Nope.
Mike: Tom?
Tom: Actually, yes. Oddly enough, I have been programmed to be
a harpooner.
>CRUISE IN A WHALE BOAT.
Mike: [singing] the WHALE Boat, come on, we're expecting you!
Bots: SIX!
>
>"Suddenly a mighty mass emerged from the water,
All: GODZILLA!
> and shot up
Mike: The mob's headquarters.
>perpendicularly into the air. It was the whale."
Tom: Really?
Crow: Ya think?
>MIRIAM COFFIN
[all cough]
> OR THE WHALE FISHERMAN.
All: FIVE!
Mike: My goodness, maybe we will survive!
>
>"The Whale is harpooned to be sure;
Tom: Unless it wasn't.
> but bethink you, how you
>would manage a powerful unbroken colt, with the mere appliance
Mike: They harpooned it with a bread machine.
>of a rope tied to the root of his tail."
>A CHAPTER ON WHALING IN RIBS AND TRUCKS.
Tom: There is actually a law on the books in one state that it
is illegal to shoot any wildlife from a truck, except for
whales.
Crow: Cool!
Mike: Four!
>
>"On one occasion I saw
Tom: The bloody form of Augustas Caesar floating above my bed.
Mike: Dark...and slightly demented.
> two of these monsters
Crow: Newt Gingrich and Rush Limbaugh.
> (whales)
Crow: See, I was right!
> probably
>male and female,
Crow: Ohhh.
> slowly swimming, one after the other, within
>less than a stone's throw of the shore"
Tom: People with glass whales shouldn't throw stones.
> (Terra Del Fuego), "over
>which the beech tree extended its branches."
>DARWIN'S VOYAGE OF A NATURALIST.
Crow: Ewww...
Mike: I don't think that's how he meant it.
Tom: Three!
>
>"'Stern all!'
Crow: But there can be only one king of all media.
> exclaimed the mate,
Tom: Or mated the exclaim.
Mike: No, I doubt it.
> as upon turning his head, he
>saw the distended jaws
Crow: Oh, so the guy from Moonraker.
> of a large Sperm Whale close to the head
>of the boat, threatening it with instant destruction;- 'Stern
>all, for your lives!'"
Tom: Copies of Private Parts flew off the shelves.
>WHARTON THE WHALE KILLER.
Bots: TWO!
>
>"So be cheery, my lads,
Mike: Remember those Thaiti gals!
> let your hearts never fail,
Tom: Well, sudden stoppage of the pumping of the heart does
tend to put a damper in the day.
>While the bold harpooner is striking the whale!"
All: [Harpooners] WHALES NO FAIR! WHALES NO FAIR!
>NANTUCKET SONG.
All: One...
Mike: Bout time.
>
Mike: A moment of silence...
>"Oh, the rare old Whale, mid storm and gale
>In his ocean home will be
>A giant in might, where might is right,
>And King of the boundless sea."
>WHALE SONG.
Mike: All right, let's get the hell out of here.
[They gather up, and leave]
>
[Comercials]
[To be continued in Part 2: Etymology]