[MiSTing] Part 1: "Aquamarines and Diamonds" and "Battle Royal"
Carp
Jon Carp
jc...@med.unc.edu
No harm is meant by these MSTings, but the stories themselves have
a couple of not-quite-lemon-but-still-sexish scenes, so be warned.
I also apologize if the formatting's screwy. This is my first
MiSTing, my first post to this newsgroup, and my first day out of the
hospital since the accident. Enjoy!
{Opening credits, ending with a TWANG!}
{SOL}
<Mike and Crow stand, facing Cambot. Crow has a telephone next to
him.>
MIKE: Hi, folks, Mike Nelson, Satellite of Love, and it looks like
Crow has something interesting to show us.
CROW: That's right, Mike. You know how Bluckbuster Video will deliver
movies directly to your home now?
MIKE: They will?
CROW: Sure! I found that out on their well-designed website. Anyway,
the point is, I found a Blockbuster willing to deliver movies to our
satellite! Apparently, someone gave the Fargo, North Dakota outlet a
spaceship. Quick, Mike, dial this number!
<Mike dials. The speaker phone rings several times.>
CLERK: (v.o.) Hello, Blockbuster Video.
CROW: Yes, I'd like to have a movie delivered, please.
CLERK: Sure thing, what would you like?
CROW: Um, you know what? I'm in the mood for an epic of cinematic
goodness. Could you send up a copy of 'The Seven Samurai'?
CLERK: What?
CROW: 'The Seven Samurai'. It's probably in the Foreign section.
CLERK: The what?
CROW: The Foreign section. Where your foreign movies are.
CLERK: Um, I don't think we have any of those.
CROW: You don't have a Foreign section?
CLERK: Oh! You must mean the 'for-eye-gun' section. Yeah, we got rid
of that. Had to make room for our three hundred copies of 'The
Matrix'.
CROW: Oh.
CLERK: Would you like 'The Matrix'?
CROW: No, I'd prefer to see a movie that doesn't suck. Hmm, well, if
you don't have 'The Seven Samurai', I'd like the American remake, 'The
Magnificent Seven'. It'd be in Classics or Westerns.
CLERK: We don't have those either. We needed the space for our five
hundred copies of 'What Planet Are You From?'.
CROW: What?!
<Lights on the table begin flashing.>
MIKE: This might take a while. We'll be right back.
<Commercial break. Return to SOL bridge, Crow still on the phone.>
CROW: Sigh. Okay, then, I'll take 'What Planet Are You From?'.
CLERK: Sorry, it's all checked out.
CROW: Agh! Mike, hang up indignantly for me!
MIKE: Okay. <He does.>
CROW: The nerve of those guys. Just because they're a monopoly they
think have total control over the business!
MIKE: Yes, it is obnoxious. <Lights on the table begin flashing.>
Oh, but speaking of tyrannical controllers of movies, Pearl's calling.
<He pushes the button>
<Castle Forrester>
PEARL: Oh, I WISH I could be as evil as Blockbuster. Maybe one day.
<Observer walks in carrying a phone book>
OBSERVER: Pearl, I found those names you asked for.
PEARL: Excellent. So anyway, Nelnone, I was thinking earlier today.
Who REALLY rules the world?
<SOL>
MIKE: Um, I don't know. Freemasons?
CROW: Blockbuster?
<Castle Forrester>
PEARL: Close. Nerds! Think about it: Bill Gates, Al Gore, Henry
Kissinger, the Barenaked Ladies... all I have to do is destroy the
fragile egos of all nerds, and I will RULE THE WORLD! I'm starting
by calling all the people who were on the debate club at my high
school and laughing at them. But first: the mocking of nerds
continues with your experiment! It's a piece of "fanfiction" based on
the popular Japanese teevee show "Sailor Moon".
<SOL>
MIKE: Hey, Crow, did you hear that?!
CROW: Yeah! Sailor Moon! Cool!
<Tom walks on>
TOM: Sailor what?
<Sirens and klaxons go off>
MIKE: Aah, we got movie sign!
TOM: What is Sailor Moon?
MIKE: You'll find out!
<Door sequence>
> *~* Disclaimer *~*
> All charters are the property of Naoko Takeuchi's Bishoujo Senshi
> Sailor Moon.
> Do not sue, I am very poor and just barely afford a house as well
> as the Internet
CROW: Ah yes, the two basic needs of mankind: shelter and pornography.
> different chapters have different ratings, to make it easy it will
> all be henti
TOM: Henti! It goes down easy!
> Aquamarines and Diamonds
MIKE: The Liberace story.
> By Dala Phen
MIKE: Wife of Pori Puss.
TOM: Best friend of Stu Pidfakename.
> Chapter 1
> I have been looking hard for the car keys but I had no luck,
TOM: Is that Henti, Mike? That sounds marginally Henti.
MIKE: No. Just calm down and be patient.
> today Hoturu is sleeping at Chibi-usa's house, and I was to take her
> over. After while of searching, I decided to check the bathroom.
MIKE: Sounds logical to me.
> I came barging
> into the bathroom, and Haruka had just finish taking his shower,
CROW: His?
> so quickly he tries to hide the fact that he is a male.
CROW: Hey, just like Mike when we barge in on him!
TOM: I don't think he's TRYING, Crow.
MIKE: Hey!
> "Haruka, do you know where the car keys are?"
TOM: (Haruka) Probably the same place you left your tense agreement.
> I ask,
> searching through Haruka's clean and dirty clothes all over the
> bathroom.
CROW: Tsk. Isn't that just like a man?
MIKE: But she's not a man!
> "No, I do not know Michiru. Did you check the key
> rack?" Haruka asks as I fold all of his clean clothes and places
> them in a neat pile. I took his dirty clothes and threw them in
> the hamper.
MIKE: Good woman! Now go make dinner.
> "The keys are not there or any where else," I say, looking to
> Haruka.
> I noticed that Haruka is in male form.
MIKE: And really started to freak out.
> I always like it when he is a
> male, I feel more comfortable on showing my feelings for him.
TOM: (Michiru) Because, like the author, I have NO idea how lesbians
have sex.
> I love Haruka's male side and think of Haruka's female side as a
> best friend.
> Haruka sees me noticing that he is a male, and started to change to
> female.
MIKE: Oh I get it, it's a Haruka CLONE made from amphibian DNA.
> I grew sad when I saw Haruka change. His masculine body
> smoothed and looks feminine, his chest grew out to breast.
MIKE: I'd like to commend you both for avoiding the easy Ranma
reference.
CROW: Who?
> Finally the keys appear andI took them, I walk to
> the door then turns around.
TOM: Okay, I've written my story, I've sent it in... what did I forgets?
CROW: Oh, crap! Proofreads!
> "Haruka, you're sleeping at Makoto's house tonight, right?" I
> ask.
CROW: I'd make a Henti comment, but in this story Makoto's probably a
fifty year-old with the ability to change into a plant, or something.
> "Yes I am." She replied.
> "Why were you in your male form earlier?" I ask. She shrugs.
MIKE: (Haruka) I was bored, wanted something to do, y'know.
> I walk out calling Hoturu to the car. Haruka stood outside as
> Hoturu and I got into the car.
CROW: Am I the only one who noticed that Haruka never got dressed
from her shower?
MIKE: For the sake of her future sanity, I hope Hotaru didn't.
> "Oh Haruka, promise me that you won't go to the new club
> that is just for men, just to crash it."
TOM: (Michiru) Why can't you just be happy with your usual transgender
club?
> I said as I got into the car.
> Haruka felt the wind knock out of her.
TOM: That's the most polite way of describing a fart I've ever seen.
> My car pulls out of the drive way
> and rides off the Usagi's house to deliver Hoturu.
CROW: Sailor FedEx!
TOM: Yer gonna hafta sign fer this here senshi, ma'am.
> When I got to Usagi's house, she saw Usagi wailing to the top
> of her lungs chasing Chibi-usa, Mamoru trying to keep up with Usagi,
> and Usagi's mother chasing after Usagi very furiously.
CROW: Oooo, there's gonna be some Henti in this scene!
MIKE: Don't be disgusting.
> "Looks like a normal day at the Tsukino household."
MIKE: What with all the crazy antics and such!
> "Hoturu?" I ask looking at Hoturu through the rear view
> mirror.
> "Usagi-san and Mamoru-san where probably kissing and
> Usa-chan saw them and told Usa-kun's mother."
MIKE: Interest-chan theory-kun.
> Hoturu said as a smile slowly escapes
> her lips.
CROW: A dangerous smile escaped Hotaru's mouth this afternoon.
Authorities recommend everybody stay indoors and report any unusual
facial activity.
> I pull my car in and Chibi-usa ran straight to the car to greet
> Hoturu.
> Usagi did not see the sudden change in direction and slammed into a
> tree, Mamoru went to poor Usagi.
CROW: (Mamoru) Hey, I got that on camera! The ten thousand dollars is
MINE!
> "What a klutz Usagi is, I can't believe she is my mother"
> Usagi's mother happened to hear what Chibi-usa said. She looked to
> Chibi-usa then
> to Usagi and to Mamoru.
> "USAGI!" she screamed at the top of her lungs.
> "Ma . . . Mama?" Usagi asks scared.
MIKE: (Usagi) Are you gonna lock me in the snake pit again?
> "Is it true what Chibi-usa said? You her MOTHER?" Usagi's
> mother asks.
TOM: "You mother! Me mother MAD! MAD!!"
> Usagi started wailing, Mamoru tries to calm her down.
>
> "It . . . its true mama! Chibi-usa is my daughter"
> "When where
MIKE: Why who how?
> you going to tell me this?!?" her mother demands
> enrage. I stepped in calmly.
TOM: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. Is this really the best way to
deal with the complex emotions you're experiencing? You've clearly
reshaped your external reality to justify your internal desire for
conflict resolution. Don't turn to outward violence, turn to inner
strength.
> "Usagi I think it is time you let her know our secrete"
CROW: Our Victorisa Secrete!
> "Do, do
TOM: Sha be do bop!
> I have to?"
> "Do you want to try to explain your unborn daughter standing
> next to me?" I say.
> "Unborn?" Usagi's mother confuse.
CROW: THIS oughta set the pro-lifers off.
> "Mama, I am the Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon, Mamo-chan is
> Tuxedo Kamen, Michiru is Sailor Neptune and Hoturu is Sailor Saturn"
> "And I am the lovable Sailor Chibi-moon" Chibi-usa gleams.
MIKE: Gleams?
CROW: It comes naturally to evil eyes.
> "I. . I don't believe you" Usagi's mother in doubt.
> Usagi held her hand to the sky calling out the words that turned
> her to Sailor Moon.
TOM: (Usagi) I wish the goblins WOULD come and turn me into Sailor
Moon.
> "My cry-baby whining klutzy daughter is the great Sailor Moon
> who fights for the sake of the entire human race?"
> the world around Usagi's mother spun, she fell to the ground.
TOM: Oh no! The smile got her!
> "It must have been too much for her to take in" I say as
> Mamoru pick her up and carried her inside the house.
MIKE: Yes, smiles fear the Tsukino house.
>
> "You ungrateful little brat!" Usagi screamed at Chibi-usa
> after Usagi's mother was set on the couch. "How do you think I'm
> going to get out of this one?"
TOM: She's just a bit character, Usagi, not like she's hard to avoid.
> "We could make her think it was all just a dream" I suggested
> "but Mamoru will have to wait outside for a
MIKE: Sign from God.
> while."
> "Well see you if a few minutes Usako" Mamoru said as he left.
CROW: You know he's running like hell as soon as he gets out of sight.
> Usagi's mother came to.
> "Usagi? I had a strange dream"
TOM: "I owned a bed and breakfast in Vermont."
> "Mama?"
> "I dreamed that Chibi-usa is your daughter, and you Sailor
> Moon."
> "Chibi-usa the spoiled little brat be my daughter?"
TOM: (Chibi-Usa) Oh yes! Yes, I WILL be your daughter!
> Usagi
> said trying to play along.
> "We all know Usagi could never be Sailor Moon she is too much
> a klutz for that." I added.
MIKE: But she IS good at teaching people how to hackysack.
> Usagi looked to me with a 'thanks-a-lot'
> look.
CROW: Which I returned with a 'bite me' look.
> "Usagi, I have a lot of time to kill,
MIKE: What with Samuel L. Jackson in jail and all.
> since Hoturu is
> staying here, and Haruka is at Makoto's, Setsuna is working late, I
> thought you and I could take a long walk. What do you think?" I said
> to Usagi hinting her boyfriend.
CROW: (Usagi) I think if you 'hint' my boyfriend any more, there's
gonna be some major whoop-ass goin' on.
> "You know I think we need to catch up" Usagi said cheerfully
> as they went outside.
MIKE: Sigh. Why is it so hard for authors to keep track of if they're
writing their fanfics in the first or third person?
CROW: Don't badmouth the fanfic, I think we're about to start with
some Henti!
>
> "So you and your boyfriend want sometime alone?" I ask when we
> stepped outside.
CROW: Ooh, say yes, Usagi!
> "When I said I wanted to spend more time with you I meant it
> Michiru." Usagi said cheery.
CROW: Hey, even better!
> Usagi and I walked down the block and
> Mamoru followed behind.
TOM: As is the man's proper place.
> "So Haruka is over at Makoto's tonight? V-babe said that she
> is also sleeping over to Makoto's house as well."
> "It is funny the night they picked to sleep over there is an
> opening for a men's only club."
CROW: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! That IS funny!
> "You think that Haruka is going to crash it?"
MIKE: The dirty rascal.
> "I hope Haruka won't crash it"
CROW: I'll stop her if she tries, 'cause I'm the king of the castle.
> "The club is not far from here, let's see if that is what
> there doing" Usagi suggested.
>
> As we went to the place, a huge monster that looked like a
> misshapen flaming golden wolf
TOM: (Monster) Oh dear, I just had NO idea what to WEAR for today's
attack, I really DON'T think gold is my color and, honey, tell me the
truth, angel, do you think I look misshapen? Oh, I HOPE no one
notices.
> was Attacking Sailor Mars, Sailor Jupiter,
> Sailor Venus and Sailor Uranus. Usagi, Mamoru and I turned into
> Sailor Moon, Sailor Neptune and Tuxedo Kamen.
MIKE: Respectively.
> "What is that weird thing?" Sailor Moon asked Sailor Venus
CROW: (Venus) Um...that's a tree.
> "I don't know this thing is fast, it kept dodging our attacks"
> Venus said.
> Sailor Mars and I looked to each other with a nod.
> "Mars Flame Sniper!"
> "Deep submerge!"
TOM: Naked Lights Swarm!
MIKE: Smile Inject!
CROW: Hope Banjo Twirl!
> Mars and I called out at the same time, the monster
> saw the flaming arrow
TOM: (Arrow) Oh my, why does that strange, tacky-tacky wolf thing keep
looking at me, is there something wrong with my point? Is my point on
right? Oh dear.
> and dodged it but went straight into the
> funnel of water. The monster turned to stone then ashes that blew
> away.
CROW: Now, Sailor Moo...oh, well. Never mind.
> "Interesting that you happened to be close by" I say looking
> at Uranus
MIKE: The senshi being coincidentally nearby when a monster attacks?!
No!
> "Jupiter's house is over there, we just happened to look
> outside to see the monster attack." Uranus said defensively. Sailor
> Mercury just came running in with Sailor Chibi- moon and Sailor
> Saturn.
> "Sorry we're late, did we miss anything?" Mercury asked.
> "Yep we just finished the monster off" Jupiter replied.
TOM: Yeah, Jupe, like you had a lot to do with it.
> "What was that thing?" Mars asked curiously. Just then an
> extremely hot wind blew by.
CROW: Oh no, El Nino's back!
> For a quick second a star shined, then died out.
MIKE: Poor Ricky Martin.
> Where the star was *he* appeared, silver hair, blue cape, white
> coat, and pants, purple eyes.
TOM: Of course, he was about a hundred billion miles away, so they
didn't see any of this.
> The inner scouts, Chibi-moon, Sailor Moon and Tuxedo
> Kamen, knew him. Mercury, Venus, Mars, Jupiter stood into a
> defensive position,
CROW: The "running away" position.
> Tuxedo Kamen held Moon in his arms possessively.
MIKE: But Frank Zappa had a problem with that.
> "Prince Demando" Moon whispered in shock. I look to Moon then
> to him.
> "Sailor-" he started to say til he looked to me. 'Who is
> she?' he thought as he disappeared.
TOM: I demando to know!
> "What was that about?" Uranus asked.
> "An old foe" Venus said nonchalantly.
> "He's, he's alive?"
MIKE: Come on, doc, say it like you mean it!
> Sailor Moon said covering her mouth. "He
> can't be, I saw him die, I saw him die right in from of me" tears
> streamed down her face.
CROW: Ten bucks it's never actually explained why he's not dead.
MIKE: Sorry, no takers for that one, my friend.
> "Uh guys, we have to book it!
TOM: Danno.
> Cops are coming, and the last
> thing we need it a bunch of people crowding us" Jupiter said. We
> changed to our civilian forms and left like nothing happened.
TOM: Nothing DID happen!!
> Unknown to all
> he was still close by watching them.
MIKE: No, that's us. Not that we're overjoyed about it.
{Commercial eyecatch}
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