MiSTed: Out of the Woods (1/4)
Bill Livingston
Churlish Flames may directed to bi...@me.com
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Opening Theme, etc.
O <2> |3| {4} [5] (6)
[The entire interior of the SOL is covered with....KATHY IRELAND!!! There
are KI posters, KI calendars, KI Magazine Covers, even KI Cardboard stand-
ups from last year's beer campaign and her current exercise video. Mike
is busy stapling a poster from "Amore" onto the doors leading into the
theater, whistling "My Wild Irish Ireland". Crow and Tom Enter]
SERVO: No way! No way!
CROW: *Yes* way! I saw him do it!
SERVO: Crow, Superman can't really crush coal into diamonds! He'd ...uh -
CROW: Um, Mike?
MIKE: Hey guys!
CROW: Mike, what in the wide wide world of sports are you doing?
MIKE: Oh, I thought I'd just kind of brighten up the place a little, y'know? Make
it seem more like home.
CROW: If "home" is a college dorm room, yeah!
SERVO: What's with the Kathy Ireland thing?
MIKE: Well, ever since I saw her in that movie, I've been hooked. [puts arms
around shoulders of stand-ups] It's like she's opened a window on a whole
new world for me!
SERVO: He's in deep!
CROW: Ah, I hate to point this out, Mike, but she can't act.
MIKE: If I'd wanted acting, I'd've gone for Kathy Bates.
SERVO: Every time she opened her mouth, she emitted high-frequency sound waves that attracted chihuahuas *from* Chihuahua!
MIKE: Hey, she's had voice lessons since then!
SERVO: And look at this: "Necessary Roughness"? "Mom and Dad Save the World"? "Backfire"? *"Melrose Place"*? For crying out loud!!
MIKE: Someday Hollywood will recognize her for the talent she is! She's a licensed aerobics instructor now, y'know!
CROW: Mike, it's gotta go! I'm getting "Alien from LA" flashbacks just looking at her!
MIKE: Oh, come on, you guys! I've been up here 2 years now, & I'm going nuts! [Gypsy enters from behind Mike] I mean, Kathy Ireland is the best looking thing I've seen since I got here!
GYPSY: Oh, Mike!! How could you? [Goes off, sobbing]
CROW: Oh, *Good One*, Nelson!!
SERVO: Yeah, Smooth move, Mr. Sensitivity!
MIKE: Gypsy! [Commercial Sign starts flashing] We'll be right back! GYPSY!!
[Commercials 1) Another Marathon Sunday. Be still my heart!
2) Zima. Zzz-z-z-z-z-z-z-z!
3) Eagle Talon. Buy it and we'll get rid of Kinnear!]
[Back on the SOL, Mike is pushing the aerobics stand-up of KI out the airlock. Gypsy has her head down, sniffling]
MIKE: Okay, Gypsy, look, it's the very last Kathy Ireland piece up here, and it's gone. [Pushes it all the way out] See?
GYPSY: I'm still hurt!
MIKE: Well, what can I do to make it up?
SERVO: For starters, let us read your "Man of Steel" collection!
GYPSY: He was asking me.
SERVO: Yeah but you don't even like the Man of Steel.
CROW: I think he should buy us all ice creams. [Light starts flashing]
MIKE: Hang on, guys. Lex Luthor & Brainiac are calling.
[Deep 13]
DR.F: Well, hello, Melrose. Lover's spat, eh? Never touch the stuff, myself. I've sent you a little package over the Umbilicus for this week's experiment.
[SOL - Mike is opening a large package]
MIKE: What is it?
[D13]
DR.F: It's called "Improv", boobie.
[SOL - Mike and Crow are pulling articles of clothing from the box]
MIKE: Look at all this crap.
TOM: Those glasses must be 6 inches thick!
CROW: Hey, we've already done improv! Remember, we did that political
revue to save you two from your "dates", heh-heh!
[D13 - Dr.F is putting on a bald wig]
DR.F: This is competional improvisation, or "theatersports". I solicit suggestions from the audience, and you and your little cohorts act them out. The winner usually gets to read the credits in a style of my choosing, but since this is is evil improv, the winner gets to *die last*, hyuh-huh!
[SOL - Mike has several inches of padding and a fake beard, with a nametag
reading "MIKE". Crow has a turtleneck shirt and blazer, a pompadoured toupee and a tag reading "TONY". Servo has a pair of horn-rimmed glasses with a Hawaiian shirt and a tag reading "GREG". Gypsy has a tag reading "JOSIE" (crossed out), then "SANDI" (crossed out), then "WHOEVER"]
SERVO: I feel ridiculous
MIKE: Yeah, at least you don't look like Orson Welles on Grecian Formula
[D13 - Dr. F is wearing a nametag with "CLIVE" on it. Frank is seated in the back of several rows of chairs]
DR.F: Okay, our first game is "Film & Theatre Styles" - and note the ingenius way I worked that authentic British spelling in! Now, I need some suggestions from the audience. Hmmm! [Frank is waving his hand, but Dr F continues to search the "crowd". Finally] You sir?
FRANK: "Heaven's Gate"
DR.F: Uh, "Heaven's Gate", okay, another one? Ummmm - and, you sir?
FRANK: Ford Bebee
DR.F: Ah, right! Anyone else? Anyone? Anyone? Anyone? Oh, *all right*, Frank!!
FRANK: The Zapruder Film
DR.F: The Za - FRANK!!!
[SOL]
CROW: [to Mike] Weren't you in "Robin Hood"?
MIKE: Weren't you in "Peter's Friends"?
GYPSY: Oh, I liked both of those!
SERVO: [Bumping around semi-blindly] Excuse me, you - oh, sorry Gypsy.
Hey, you guys! What's our scene?
[D13 - Dr F has Frank pinned under a giant crayon]
DR.F: Your scene is "weirdness", proletarian pules! Your experiment today
is a little fanfic that combines two of the gooniest shows TV has offered in the last few years!
FRANK: [from below] "Punky Brewster" and "ALF"? OWIE!
DR.F: Quiet, Earl Warren! I'm talking about "Twin Peaks" and "The X-Files". What it may lack in out and out badness, it makes up for in sheer volume of strange-osity. And if you can't enjoy it, *improvise*. Send 'em the fanfic, Frank!
FRANK: What about the "Props" segment?
DR.F: I've got yer "Props" segment, right here! [Pummels Frank with crayon]
FRANK: *Owieowieowieowieowie* - say, isn't that one of the discontinued colors?
[They both examine it. Frank pushes the button]
[SOL - lights flash]
SERVO: Whose sign is this, anyway?
ALL: IT'S OURS!! WE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!!!
(6) [5] {4} |3| <2> O
[Mike & the bots enter the theater. Mike pulls the glasses off Servo]
SERVO: Thanks! I couldn't see a thing!
MIKE: I'll hold them. You may want them back before this is over!
> From: ma...@uclink.berkeley.edu (Peggy Mei-Ling Li)
CROW: Wasn't there a song, "Mei-ling Li Ling Li Ling"?
MIKE: No, that was "My Ding-a-Ling-a-Ling".
CROW: What's that?
MIKE: Later.
> Newsgroups: alt.tv.twin-peaks
SERVO: Uh-oh, intense David Lynch area ahead!
> Subject: OUT OF THE WOODS (repost)
SERVO: It was so nice, they posted it twice.
> Date: 30 Mar 1995 05:35:45 GMT
CROW: Gee
MIKE: No, GMT
> Organization: University of California, Berkeley
> Lines: 1836
ALL: NYAAAHH!!
> Message-ID: <3ldfvh$2...@agate.berkeley.edu>
> NNTP-Posting-Host: uclink.berkeley.edu
SERVO: uclink?
CROW: Yes, I see link.
MIKE: May we have a link?
> X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL2]
SERVO: Hey, an X-Newsreader, how appropriate!
MIKE: It's a swaggering, overbearing TIN-plated newsreader
with delusions of godhood!
> Status: N
>
>
>Nice to see new folks on the newsgroup! :)
SERVO: How do you pronounce :)
MIKE: Just like :( only backwards
>OUT OF THE WOODS
CROW: Not yet, we ain't!
>[Great Northern Hotel, Twin Peaks]
CROW: Home of the world famous Great Northern Bean eating contest.
SERVO: Boy that'd really stink up the mystical backwoods, wouldn't it?
> Sheriff Harry S. Truman
MIKE: Give 'em hell, Harry!
> limped stiffly down the hotel
>steps, his utter exhaustion blocking out most of the pain
>from his wounds.
CROW: Geez, these Tailhook things are gettin' out of hand.
> The dull ache from his leg was nothing
>compared to the ache within.
SERVO: Diarrhea is like a storm, raging inside you.
> He walked past the patrol cars and their flashing
>lights, past the knot of people
SERVO: I didn't know people came in knots
CROW: Watch a Madonna video
> scurrying to organize
>themselves before the last of the daylight disappeared,
CROW: People, people, let's get this aerobics class going!
MIKE: Y'know Kathy Ireland's a licensed aerobics instructor now.
CROW: Let her go, Nelson, she's no good for you!
>until he found that he could walk no further. He found
>himself standing in front of the forest wall, the pack of
>trees forming a black, living barrier.
CROW: Boy, this is vicious territory. The people come in knots,
and the trees roam in packs!
> The last cold rays
>of sunshine struggled in vain to filter its way through the
>dense foliage as Truman felt his hair stir with a pine-
>scented breeze.
MIKE: New pine-scented Breeze: shampoo for the exceptionally weird!
> The sight of the swaying branches made his
>stomach churn and he sucked in a long cold breath
SERVO: [makes toking sound] Oh wow. man!
> to try and
>steady his insides, but without success.
> Truman, head bent and fists clenched,
SERVO: But with a song in his heart!
> unclenched the
>fists around his heart
CROW: Musta been to that bean eatin' contest!
> and let his emotion wash through him,
SERVO: Making his whites whiter and his brights brighter!
>great sobs shaking his large frame as he cried silently,
>without tears.
CROW: Uh, if he's silent, and there's no tears, does it really count as
crying?
MIKE: He's crying on the inside. It's a profound thing to do.
CROW: There's a fine line between "profound" and "goofy", Mike!
> He felt powerless and small compared to
>those trees.
CROW: Boy, talk about an inferiority complex!
> Each passing breeze seemed to carry bits of
>him away,
CROW: They ripped my leg off and threw it over there!
MIKE: That's you all over
> dissolving all his strength until he felt cold and
>empty and leeched.
SERVO: Sort of like the Democratic Party
> No matter where he turned, he could not escape from the
>forest.
MIKE: He couldn't escape the forest for the trees
> No matter how tired he was, or how far he walked,
CROW: He was still within sight of a "Gap" store
>he could not dismiss the wail of grief that still echoed in
>his ears and echoed, in his heart.
SERVO: Echoed in his heart?
MIKE: Must be a heart condition.
CROW: The one with Bob Hoskins?
MIKE: Oh, I hope not!
> His hands reached for his head
CROW: Oh, it's detachable, like Data's
> as Truman felt another
>wave of nausea.
SERVO: SURF'S UP, DUDES!!
CROW: WOOOOH!
> "Oh God," he murmured,
SERVO: And George Burns answered.
CROW: I thought he died
MIKE: God isn't dead.
CROW: Not God, George Burns.
MIKE: You've been reading alt.showbiz.gossip again.
> and his thoughts
>turned inexorably towards the young woman he had left just
>minutes earlier...
SERVO: Wrapped in plastic.
CROW: It's starnge to think Laura Palmer's murder was the
simple days on this show.
>
>
> Annie Blackburn had regained consciousness
SERVO: But not her dignity
> just seconds
>after the state troopers had driven him away.
CROW: Huh? Driven who away?
SERVO: Random Pronoun alert!
> Truman had
>rushed to her side in time to hear her first words since
>they brought her out of the Grove.
CROW: [singing] Come to the Florida Sunshine Tree...
> "Dale!
MIKE: Chip!
> Where's Dale? What's happened?"
SERVO: You're trapped in David Lynch's world!
> Her voice
>had sounded tremulous and weak, but instilled with a steely
>urgency.
SERVO: Hey, I've got all of Steely Urgency's albums
CROW: Yeah they rule! Heh! Heh heh!
SERVO: Huh Huh Huh!
> Truman had looked down upon her gentle face- the face
>that had worn a crown of jewels just hours before,
CROW: Her face was wearing a crown
MIKE: She must be physically dyslexic
SERVO: Is she also an agnostic insomniac?
> now
>crowned with a halo of dried blood
ALL: EEEEWWWWW!!
> - and his throat had
>tightened. Her normally large and luminous eyes were red
>and tired and locked onto his.
MIKE: Eyes locked on target and ready to fire!
> She then spoke with terrible calm, "He's been taken
>away?"
CROW: [singing] To the funny farm, where life is beautiful all the time...
> "Yes," Truman had answered, "but he's not himself.
SERVO: He's Kate Smith
The
>best people are in on this, Annie, Cooper's going to be just
>fine..."
SERVO: Until he finds out he was in "The Flintstones"
> "No," Annie interrupted sharply, shaking her head,
CROW: And listening to the little paint ball inside rattle
>"Sheriff, it's not our Dale, is it? He's gone, isn't he?"
MIKE: You were listening, weren't you?
SERVO: I'm rambling, aren't I?
CROW: Nice day, isn't it?
> Truman couldn't bring himself to answer her; he wasn't
>sure if he knew the answer himself.
SERVO: Thank goodness it was an essay question
> He had placed a hand on
>her shoulder and had watched, speechless, as her eyes
>widened and her body tensed in despair- and fear.
CROW: Geez, these people all have sectionalized bodies!
SERVO: I wonder if they're Johnny LongTorso action figures?
MIKE: Huh?
SERVO: Later.
> "No! That wasn't Dale! He's not gone! The good Dale
>is trapped in the Red Room!
SERVO: Opening for Rich Little and Perry Como!
> He's not gone!" Annie then
>began to struggle against his touch and her arms had flailed
>wildly.
CROW: See? More body parts moving independently.
> Truman had had no choice when he nodded to Dr.
>Hayward to prepare a sedative. Tears had begun to flow
>uncontrollably down her face as she chanted,
ALL: Hare Hare, Hare Krishna, Hare Truman, Hare Hare!
> "He's here...
>Dale's been trapped, that wasn't him." Her eyes refocused
>for an instant and she had gripped Truman's hand,
MIKE: [flasetto] Does this come off?
CROW: Why not, everything else does.
> "Sheriff,
>you've got to find Dale, he isn't that man you took away.
>It looked like Dale but it wasn't him."
SERVO: It was Kathie Lee!
> Doc Hayward pressed the needle into the young woman's
>arm
MIKE: Oh, just like they did to Kathy Ireland.
SERVO: Geez, Mike, will you get over Kathy Ireland already?
and Truman had slowly released his grip to brush some
>hair from her eyes.
CROW: Just brush this back, and feather it a little, it'll look scrumptious!
> "Annie," he had managed to say at last, "everything's
>going to be okay. You'll see.
SERVO: [singing] The Sun'll come out - tomorrow!
> Cooper will come back to us.
>He's got to. I- I don't know how to find him myself.
MIKE: A divining rod, maybe?
> It's
>up to him now."
> Annie's sobs had become quieter, but she had turned her
>head away from him at his words.
CROW: [as Annie] You've got spinach in your teeth. Gross!
> A moment of silence
SERVO: Federally mandated
>had passed and then the room was filled with a wail that must
>have come from the depths of her soul.
CROW: So suddenly she's Enya?
> Truman's heart was
>chilled at the sound.
> "Oh God," she had moaned, shuddering violently as
>Truman watched helplessly, "Oh dear God! GOD!"
CROW: No, just George Burns again.
SERVO: Who isn't dead.
CROW: Yeah, but I think he's married to Keanu Reeves or David Geffen.
MIKE: Crow, maybe you should consider dumping that newsgroup.
> When the last of her cries had faded into drug-induced
>murmurs,
CROW: Now she's gone from Enya to Kurt Cobain.
> Truman had allowed himself to leave her side and
>stumble out of the hotel,
MIKE: It was 2-for-1 shooters night at TGI Fridays!
> blindly searching for a place
>where he could think clearly, alone.
CROW: Away from this posting
>
> ...So he found himself in front of the forest, alone,
>and it wasn't a comfort.
SERVO: I seek solace from the trees, but they don't listen
> He could not forget the sound of
>her voice- the sounds of her heart breaking.
CROW: Wasn't "Heartsounds" a movie too?
MIKE: Yeah, I think it had Andy Kaufman in it.
SERVO: Who *is* dead.
CROW: Unless he's hanging around with George Burns
MIKE: Sheesh!
Somehow she
>knew, as Truman did, that the Dale Cooper they loved was not
>the man they rescued at Glastonbury Grove.
SERVO: That man was Arthur, King of the Britons!
> Their Cooper
>was gone, dead to the world as they knew it, perhaps never
>to return.
CROW: Unless he knows George Burns.
> Truman ground his teeth in frustration;
SERVO: Soon they were a fine white powder.
>the only person who could get Coop back was Cooper.
MIKE: What's the matter, Coop, chicken?
> Truman knew
>he would have a hard time accepting these facts- but he also
>knew someone who would be having an even harder time than
>he.
SERVO: Pronoun overload in 10 seconds!
> Harry Truman eyed the woods warily, armed with a new
>knowledge and a new purpose,
CROW: Not to mention a really BIG gun
> and turned to walk back towards
>the Great Northern; back to Annie Blackburn.
SERVO: [singing] Back to Life, Back to Reality...
>
>[FBI Headquarters, Washington D.C. - five years later]
CROW: Suddenly, five years later
> Dana Scully finished putting together her report,
SERVO: Fabricating it from a tissue of lies
>tucking her copy into the filing cabinet and giving it a
>satisfied thump.
MIKE: Owww! I'll give you such a pinch!
> She and Mulder had been working intensely
>upon the Carter case
CROW: Must be getting uncomfortable up there, Ha Ha [trailing off
weakly] up there, heh, upon the case, ya see... and... yeah
> and, as in any kidnapping, there was no
>greater satisfaction for an agent
SERVO: Than Wrigley's pure chewing satisfaction!
> than the return of the
>victim alive and well with the incarceration of the perp.
CROW: Perp?
SERVO: Perp!
CROW & SERVO: [together] Perp! Perp! Perp! Perp! PerpPerpPerpPerp
PerpPerpPerpPerpPerpPerpPerpPer....
MIKE: C'mon, knock it off, that's enough.
> Mulder ambled into the room and Scully flashed him
ALL: SAA-A-AY....
>a smile.
ALL: AWWWWW!!
> "Ready for more excitement, Scully?" Mulder asked with
>a grin.
SERVO: [as Patrick Stewart] Some Pontiac Grand Am excitement?
> Scully sat in her chair with a plop and leaned back
>with a small groan.
MIKE: Jenny Craig just ain't working
> "Hardly, Mulder. I think I won't mind for once just
>catching up on
MIKE: "Quantum Leap"?
CROW: The OJ trial?
SERVO: The latest in celebrity news and gossip on "E!", America's
Entertainment Television?
> paperwork for the next week, taking it easy."
> Mulder raised an eyebrow in frank disbelief
MIKE: [singing] Let me be Frank about Frank Disbelief
> and began
>rummaging through the piles of paperwork on his own desk.
CROW: Let's see, script, script, script, I know I had it this morning...
Ah, what the heck, I'll make something up.
>Taking on officious tones,
MIKE: Those are mighty, mighty bossy tones
> Mulder addressed Scully with
>feigned seriousness, "Special Agent Scully, I'm taking you
SERVO: With a grain of salt
>to that Italian place you like so much,
CROW: Italy
> where you don't have
>to wear heels and I don't have to wear a tie..."
MIKE: The set of "Exit to Eden"
>He couldn't keep a straight face,
SERVO: But this had not stopped him from leading a rich, fulfilling life...
> so he continued amiably,
>"...my treat, for a job well done. What-say you fellow agent?"
CROW: I say, "Sexual Harassment!"
> Scully let her astonishment and pleasure at this
>offering show on her face; she had never seen Mulder so
>relaxed before and it suited him. Suddenly,
SERVO: Last Summer
> she had a flash
>of suspicion and shot him a glare,
CROW: THE GLARE! MY EYES! AEIIIEYAH!!!!
> "Only if you promise not
>to do that scene from "Alien" over the spaghetti!"
CROW: She doesn't want him to strip to his underwear and drape
a cat around his shoulders?
SERVO: No I think she doesn't want him to take a knife and try that
finger trick.
> "Can I sing 'That's Amoré?'", Mulder drawled with a
>wicked look of his own.
MIKE: "Amore'"? Hey, that's a movie with...
SERVO & CROW: NO!!!
> Scully smiled slyly at him and
>approached his desk slowly,
CROW: Oh yess-s-s-s.
> stopping in front of him
CROW: Yes, oh yes!
> to
>thrust
CROW: C'mon, yes, YES!
> a sheet of paper under his nose.
CROW: AAAAAAAAA-A-A-A-AGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
MIKE: Crow, what is it with you?
> "Fax came for you while you were away..." she eyed him
>teasingly as she turned away,
CROW: [Crying] Oh sure, taunt him, that's all you ever do, ah-huh! ah-huh!
SERVO: Geez, Crow, get ahold of yourself.
CROW: I can't help it, I just love Ellen Barkin so much ah-huh! ah-huh!
MIKE: Crow...
CROW: [more sobbing]
MIKE: Crow...
CROW: [still more sobbing]
MIKE: *CROW!* That's not Ellen Barkin, that's Gillian Anderson!
CROW: [stops crying] Huh? Oh, well, the heck with her then!
MIKE: I don't want to hear *another word* about Kathy Ireland!
> "...and I can't wait to hear
>you sing."
SERVO: [as announcer] On "SOUNDS OF THE '70'S" from K-Tel!!
> Mulder mouthed some silent ha ha's
CROW: Eyw, he's getting them all slobbery and stuff!
sarcastically
>at Scully as she returned to her desk, then turned his
>attention to the fax she had handed him.
CROW: Let's see, "Make Money Fast! Completely Legal!" What the hey?
> Scully, noting the sudden silence, looked up to see
>Mulder's face lose any of its previous joviality and a deep
>frown form upon his brow.
MIKE: Yep, he got spammed alright!
> "What is it?" she asked, a
>sudden knot of dread driving any feeling of relaxation from
>her body.
SERVO: She knew that spam had been meant for her!
> "Mulder, " she nodded fractionally at the fax
>now dangling from Mulder's hand, "who's Bob?"
CROW: Newhart?
SERVO: Dole?
MIKE: Villa?
> Mulder's fist clenched the fax
CROW: Boy, this post is a fist-clencher's dream!
> and he looked up at
>Scully with his hazel eyes burning a hatred she almost
>flinched away from.
MIKE: You ate all the Hagen Dazs!
> "You don't want to know," he replied
>darkly.
MIKE: Well, why did she ask, then?
>
> Scully hurried after Mulder down the hallway.
CROW: [as Scully] Where we goin'? Huh? Where we goin'?
> "So much
>for our relaxing week of paperwork, " she quipped, trying to
>get some reaction from Mulder.
SERVO: So he just shot her dead and kept going.
> Mulder remained silent as he
>turned into the office of Ronald Trent,
CROW: He turned himself into an office? Neat trick!
> Regional ASAC,
>Violent Crimes Division.
SERVO: Police Squad! A division of the Police Force
> Mulder brushed by the secretary
CROW: When did he get brushed by the secretary?
MIKE: I think it's a direct verb/object relationship, not an
adjectival phrase
>and walked into the inner office, Scully giving the startled
>woman a helpless shrug as she followed him in.
SERVO: "He's psychopathic, he's got an Uzi, what could I do?"
> "Mulder!" Ronald Trent was startled, but not angry;
CROW: Soft, but not mushy
SERVO: Strict, but not cruel
MIKE: Indicted, but not convicted
>Scully wondered how the two men knew each other, as Mulder
>had never mentioned him before.
SERVO: Still, the trips to Jamaica and all the letters addressed to
"Ronnie The Love Diesel" had made her suspicious
> Trent was a large man with
>peppered hair and round spectacles.
MIKE: Sure beats round hair and peppered spectacles.
> Grisly photos adorned
>the walls of his office
CROW: Teddies!
> and were scattered amongst piles of
>evidence bags atop his broad desk.
> "Take a look at this, "
SERVO: I think it's infected!
> Mulder shoved the fax in front
>of Trent without preamble.
CROW: Isn't that unconstitutional?
> Trent read it, the smile fading
>from his lips, his face growing visibly paler.
SERVO: He knew their love was dying.
> He looked up
>at Mulder, his attitude decidedly grim. He tried again to smile,
MIKE: And failed miserably
> "Mulder, this is what it takes to prompt you to come
>and visit me? I thought we were better friends than that."
CROW: You don't call, you don't write...
SERVO: [singing] You don't bring me flowers....
> Mulder shrugged and put his hands on Trent's desk.
CROW: Hey, these people are sectionalized, too!
>"I don't recall you ever making a trip downstairs to see me,
>Trent. But we don't have time to reminisce. Where's Gordon
>Cole?"
MIKE: Living life in the slaw lane?
SERVO: DOH!
> "He can't help you." Trent replied, "he's an attaché
>in Europe."
SERVO: Wow! He's deep cover as a piece of luggage!
> "Gordon Cole?" Both men turned
CROW: Honey, I'm gonna have to throw out the FBI guys,
they're stinkin' up the fridge!
> and finally
>acknowledged Scully's presence. She put her hands on her
>hips. "Mulder, what's this all about?"
MIKE: I'd say about 36 inches.
> Mulder looked a bit sheepish,
CROW: He's been baa-a-a-ad!
> "Dana Scully, my esteemed
>colleague,"
SERVO: And boy is she esteemed right now!
> Mulder grabbed her elbow and drew her forward.
>"Ronald Trent, an old supervisor of mine from my days at the
>BS Unit."
MIKE: Stay calm. Don't even go for it.
SERVO: Aw c'mon Mike, it's so easy!
CROW: Yeah, it's practically standin' on its hind legs and begging!
MIKE: It's beneath you.
CROW: Yeah, that's where you usually find it.
> Trent reached out to shake Scully's hand. "An old
>friend as well. I've heard a lot about you, Agent.
SERVO: Mostly on the men's room walls.
> They say
>you're very good...." Scully opened her mouth to
MIKE: [as Bela] Drink his blood,
> thank him,
>"...unless you're around Mulder," he finished with a grin.
>Scully let her mouth close
CROW: And secured it for the evening
> and simply glared at the two.
SERVO: WE ARE THE TWO
CROW: Two who?
MIKE: The Two Jakes?
>"What is going on here?" She snagged the fax off the desk.
>"Who is this Bob character?"
CROW: Barker?
SERVO: Saget?
MIKE: Roberts?
> Ignoring her questions, Mulder
>turned again to Trent.
SERVO: [singing] To Trent again, turn, turn, turn...
> "Ronald, I've got to go see him."
MIKE: Do you have a reservation? No? Wait in the bar, Wait in the bar.
> Trent licked his lips and asked nervously, "Cooper?" as
>though he already knew the answer.
CROW: No, I've never made a barrel in my life
> Mulder nodded his head fractionally. "He's the key."
SERVO: I am the lock.
MIKE: Stop, you're giving me night chills.
> Trent sighed and took the crumpled fax from Dana's
>hand.
MIKE: She didn't know her own strength when she tried to program it.
> His voice became authoritative, "Check it out,
>Mulder.
CROW: Check it out, man, watch close, find the red queen!
> Take a Bubird.
SERVO: Of happiness.
> I'll see what I can find out here.
>Nice meeting you, Agent Scully." Mulder nodded and turned
>to leave, scooping up a still-confused Scully by the elbow.
CROW: There's two scoops of Scully in every box of X-Files Bran
>"...and Mulder," Mulder paused to look back at Trent. He
>looked at them both with weary eyes.
CROW: Now wait a minute, is this Mulder or Trent looking here?
MIKE: Yes
CROW: Thanks a lot!
"...good to see you
>again. Be careful you two, and good luck."
> Mulder smiled with genuine affection at the older man,
SERVO: Then threw himself in his arms
>"Thanks. See you later, Trent."
CROW: Not if you go blind!
>
> Scully watched Mulder digging out files and photos from
>his desk, her arms folded in annoyance.
CROW: And tucked under the bed for safekeeping
> Mulder had never
>left her out of the loop for this long before.
SERVO: How'd they get to Chicago so quick?
> She hadn't
>seen him this upset over a simple note
SERVO: G Sharp
MIKE: B Natural
SERVO & CROW: AUGH!!
> since that case with
>John Barnett.
CROW: Case of what?
MIKE: Zima
CROW: Oh! Zomething different.
MIKE: Not to mention a zponser.
> Then again, that case had not been simple at
>all.
CROW: It was a dodecahedron
> Frowning, she thought for the hundredth time what she
>had read on the fax, but still couldn't place any
>significance upon it.
CROW: Was it just me, or was that an incredibly awkward sentence?
SERVO: It was sort of like hexagonal tires; it gets you there, but MAN!
is it a rough ride!
> It had read:
MIKE: "From the President of the United States: GREETINGS"
> The owl has flown the Coop. Are you ready to play with
>fire, little man?
SERVO: Well, that certainly advanced the plot nicely.
CROW: Yeah, now what the heck did it mean?
MIKE: Maybe it's symbolic
SERVO: That'd even make William Burroughs go, "Huh?"
> BOB
CROW: Dylan?
SERVO: The Galactic Bum?
MIKE: Guccione?
> While strange, Scully hadn't attached much significance
>to it.
SERVO: What about while she wasn't strange?
> Because it had come over Mulder's departmental line,
MIKE: The X-Department: Big, Tall, and Inexplicable Men's clothing
>Scully had chalked it up as being some sort of practical
>joke;
SERVO: A squirting fax!
> she had seen plenty aimed in Mulder's direction in
>the past, more than Mulder would ever know. Their attempt
>to trace this fax, however,
CROW: Say, isn't there a guy named Trace that...
SERVO: [whispering] Careful
> revealed that it had not been
>sent from within the department; in fact, there was no
>record of a fax being sent to Mulder at all.
CROW: He received a fax no one sent him?
SERVO: Definitely the government at work, here.
> Mulder
>startled Scully out of her thoughts by handing her
SERVO: A line
>a stack of files. "Read these."
CROW: And summarize them for extra credit.
> Scully nearly dropped the slippery pile.
ALL: EEEEWWWWW!!
>"Mulder, where are we going?"
MIKE: Questions, questions, questions! Will you get off my back?
> Mulder began loading his briefcase.
CROW: I thought those were outlawed
MIKE: Only the semi-automatic assault briefcases.
> "To visit another
>old friend of mine.
SERVO: Death
> At Raven Hill."
> Scully swallowed her surprise.
CROW: Mmmm! Wild Cherry!
> "Raven Hill? The
>maximum security federal correctional facility? You have
>nice friends, Mulder."
CROW: Oh, honey, let's have the Dahmers over for dinner.
MIKE: Yes, let's invite that nice Dr. Lector, too, and have a party
SERVO: Yeah, but no covered dish surprise this time!
> Mulder didn't reply, but shut his briefcase with a
>snap.
CROW: Your mama's so fat, she 's got her own gravity field!
SERVO: Well, your mama's so ugly, she could stop a calendar!
> His face was hooded
MIKE: A homeboy!
> as he moved to place a
>steadying hand on top of the files Scully was holding. "You'll
>understand more if you read these files.
CROW: I wish I understood more of this
> I've got to make
SERVO: A name for myself
>some phone calls then we'll get ready to go."
> Scully sighed heavily, watching Mulder hurry out of the
>office. Time again for a leap of faith...she bit her lip.
SERVO: What, she didn't believe her lip could be bitten?
CROW: I bet she had to take it off to bite it!
>One of these days, Mulder...
MIKE: Pow! Right in the kisser!
> she let her thought diminish
SERVO: My thought has been diminishing since we started reading this!
>as she grabbed her coat and turned out the lights to follow.
SERVO: Okay, the lights were going to follow, but they couldn't until
they had been turned out?
CROW: No, she was going to follow the lights once they were, uh...
MIKE: The sentence structure is not what it seems. C'mon let's get
out of here.
(6) [5] {4} |3| <2> O
[Mike is standing next to a chart with two mountains on it. One mountain
has a picture of Kyle Maclachlan, the other a picture Michael Ontkean]
CROW: Okay, explain how "X-Files" is different from "Twin Peaks".
MIKE: Well, after they canceled "Peaks", it was abandoned by David Lynch,
except for "Fire Walk With Me".
SERVO: That wasn't just abandonment, Mike, it was endangerment!
MIKE: Okay, true. But in any case, the "Peaks" concept was picked up
by Chris Carter, who knew the show couldn't survive on its own.
SERVO: How come?
MIKE: Because it tried to be quirky and scary at the same time.
CROW: Oh, I get it! You could either weird people out, or charm them with
small-town eccentricities, but not both!
MIKE: Pretty much, so Carter decided to separate the two elements. He sold
one to Fox, and called it "X-Files" [flips over the mountain with Kyle's picture to reveal photos of Gillian Anderson and David Duchovny]
SERVO: Yeah, I see! It retained not only the weird stuff, but the FBI agent as the main character!
MIKE: Right, except it split him in 2 so there'd be something to play off of. The quirky, small town element [Mike flips over the other mountain to reveal a picture of Tom Skerritt] David Kelly took to CBS, packaged as "Picket Fences".
CROW: Yeah, yeah! And it had the Sheriff and all the other stuff!
MIKE: Right. So Carter and Kelly were able to take one low-rated and vaguely inventive and/or wildly disjointed show, and squeeze two slightly higher-rated, slightly less innovative, yet slightly more comprehensible programs out of it.
SERVO: Wait, wait, what about that creepy music on "Peaks", what happened to it?
MIKE: Oh, it's being developed into a new show for cable: "MTV Unnerved".
[Commercial Sign Flashes] We'll be right back.
[ Commercials: 1) "Exit 57" Hello? Anybody? Anyone at all?
2) Latest Flop Movie starring SNL Cast member desperate for
a ticket out of there!
3) Guy trying to shove a buck into a Pepsi machine!]
Bill L.
The truth is out there
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Now in 2 delicious flavors:
Original minty (bill.li...@msfc.nasa.gov)
and new crisipity crunchity! (bi...@Traveller.COM)